Paradise Options

[Animystik]

Paradise was an elderly beagle. Ten years ago my cousins found her on a small deserted island in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. She was shortly thereafter given to me as a Christmas gift when I was fifteen years old. Until recently, she has lived a happy and healthy life. Unfortunately, she came down with a tooth and ear infection. Although we took her to the veterinarian, the antibiotics had been unable to clear the infection up. She had since developed liver and kidney failure, and she had gangrene on her ear. The vet thought we could amputate the ear and she would be fine. However, she was not strong enough for surgery so the vet suggested we wait until morning.

Yesterday morning we got a phone call explaining that Paradise was headed in for surgery. Later we received another phone call explaining that the infection had spread and we needed to decide what to do. After we rushed into the vets office to see her, the vet explained that it spread to her head and eyes. We were told that she had no chance, and that if we went ahead with the surgery it would be cruel. They said that she was on the most powerful antibiotics they had, and the bacteria responsible was extremely aggressive. It should not have spread, but it did. We were essentially forced to euthanize her. Although we knew it would be damaging to us, we sat with her the whole time for her sake. We did not want her to feel alone.

I am devastated and shocked. She had an infection that was being treated, and I never imagined it could come to this. I had a very limited amount of time to make a decision, and I admit that I feel extremely guilty. I think that it's so hard because it all happened so fast. A week ago I would have never thought that she would be dead today, and part of me feels like she should not be. She was so strong.

I have lost loved ones before, but nothing compares to the pain I feel now. She has been with me through a lot. She was there for the loss of my first love and any other trouble that I had to face. I laughed with her and cried with her. She was the most selfless and beautiful being that I knew, and I am devastated that I must go on without her. I feel like I can't breathe, and I can't stop thinking about her. I am so happy to have found this site because I fear that talking about my feelings will prevent others in the house from feeling better. We are all devastated. I can't think about anything else and I cannot do anything without crying. I feel like I can never be alright. We have another dog and I know that she still needs me. I have to try. I just want her to come home, and I can't shake the feelings of pain and regret.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Animystik, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Paradise. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Animystik, please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes -- still very normal. This grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time. One of the many emotions ALL of us experience is guilt / remorse, and it is one of the more difficult emotions to reconcile because it comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the things that didn't make sense at the time they were happening, and the "whys" what ifs" and "if onlys" that torture our hearts and minds at a time when we are so emotionally vulnerable.

It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in your own way and in your own time. It is a journey that cannot be reconciled in an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure.

There is no doubt from what you share with us that you did everything in your power to give your beloved Paradise a happy, healthy earthly journey. As with human medicine, sometimes veterinary medicine can intervene with treatments that can restore our companion's health so that they can continue to enjoy a good quality of life. Sadly, there are times when the only thing veterinary medicine can do is to compassionately ease our companion's transition from their failing, frail, terminally ill physical body. As you may know from health reports on the news, there are many infections that are proving to be antibiotic treatment resistent, and sadly, this is sometimes proving to be true for our precious companions. Your beloved Paradise knows that you would move heaven and earth to keep her happy and healthy. Hopefully in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart that what happened with your beloved Paradise is not your fault. Your beloved Paradise does not want you burdened with guilt and remorse but rather able to embrace and enjoy the many treasured memories you and your beloved Paradise share.

Clinical professionals recognize that the grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is the same as for a human family member or friend. They also recognize that our relationships with our companions are special in their own way, for our companions give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them without reservation or fear of rejection. Our relationships with our human family members and friends, on the other hand, are on a different level because they come with expectations, while our companions accept us for who we are rather than our social or financial status and expectations to "excel". Unfortunately, our society in general, and sometimes the people who are closest to us emotionally and geographically, do not. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here where each of us can come to share what is in our hearts with people who do understand what we are going through.

One of the many things you need to remember as you travel your grief adjustment journey is that the love bond you and your beloved Paradise share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Paradise's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all to well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Paradise with us, Animystik. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Animystik]

moon_beam, your words have helped me immensely. I am so happy that there are communities to help support those who are feeling such incredible pain. I am feeling less guilty today. However, those feelings still come and go. I will be happy to post pics of Paradise, but I have not had the strength to go through her pics yet. I know that she knows how much I loved her. I just wish I could have protected her. I am on a slow and painful road to recovery, but I will get through it. Thanks again.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Animystik, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I do know how painful it can be looking at pictures of our beloved companions when the deep sorrow is still so very new. There is no rush for you to share pictures - - only when you are up to doing it - - however long that may be. There are no "expiration dates" or "deadlines" here. And please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Animystik, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Paradise's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Mistletoe]

It never is easy---especially if one day they are well, and the next day something is wrong.