Pippin, My Beloved Kitty, Is Gone Options

[Pippin's Mom Kel]

It seems odd to be writing this more than a month after Pippin died. I thought I was okay. Well, I'm okay, but I need to talk about it. It still hurts, and I still have moments of near-blinding grief. They're fewer than they were, but - well. I need some support.

Pippin was my seven year-old tuxedo cat. My husband and I brought him into our family when he was just eight weeks old. The first thing he did to DH was bite him (and that's about how their relationship went, LOL! Not a mean bite, but Pippin liked to chomp my husband. It was how he showed his love). My first cat Cleo had died that summer, suddenly from cardiomyopathy and heart failure. We lost her over the course of an evening. Of course she had been sick for much longer, but with her being our first cat and only being 6, we didn't realize how sick she was, and how stoic she was being. We lost Cleo the week we moved into our first house, in a new city. The vet was an all-new vet, and over the years, we've become close to them - they only saw Cleo the once, before referring us to Tufts, which is where she died. Our vet's office manager mentioned on the phone, the day after Cleo died, that when we were ready for a new family member, to let her know and she'd help us find one. And then she mentioned she was fostering an adorable grey kitten - and she told me his story. A state trooper had pulled someone over on a local 4-lane highway, and when he got out of his car, he and the speeder saw the kitten dart up under the speeder's wheel well! So the cop and the speeder both got out and rescued the kitten, who then dove into the cop's car and hid under the seat. He couldn't get the kitten out, so he came to our vet and basically said: Help! Ha. So, this little kitten was named Robert after the cop that found him, and our vet's office manager was fostering him. As it turned out, we brought him home the next week, renaming him Horatio Robert. About a month after bringing Horatio home, DH and I felt he needed a sibling, because boy, was he tiring us out! We mentioned that we were looking for another kitten to our vet's office manager, and in a week or so, she called us. A rather troubled teen in a troubled family had found a kitten. The family was about to have their dog euthanized because they were "tired of it." The family had a history of not taking great care of their animals, and so our vet talked them into surrendering the dog and kitten instead of euthanizing the dog and doing who knows what with the kitten. I believe the dog found a new happy home shortly thereafter.

And so Pippin came to live with us at the age of eight weeks. We had a few scares at the very beginning, with him vomiting and having diarrhea, and getting terribly dehydrated, but we brought him to the vet quickly and they nursed him back to healthy. We lost his brother Horatio at the age of two, over the course of a weekend, to FIP. It was awful. He, too, died at Tufts. We were heart-broken, but carried on. Fast-forward to this past October, when DH and I went to my younger brother's wedding - we were away for the weekend, so we left out dry food for them. Pippin was quite overweight (he loved his noms!), so we'd been trying to get him to lose weight for over a year, with less success than we would have liked, and thus, we didn't give him dry food. We're pretty sure, given the amount we left and the amount that was gone when we got home, that Pippin must have gorged himself. The other three cats probably ate some of it, but... well, Pippin loved his noms, as I said. :-/ A few weeks later, at the end of October, we had a terrible snowstorm that knocked our power out. We noticed Pippin acting off. Not eating as much, acting a little lethargic, not moving around as much. Finally, on Halloween, we took him to the emergency vet - ours didn't have power! After a workup, we found he had developed diabetes and pancreatitis! Oh no! But I'm a nurse. I had perfect faith that I could manage this. He stayed in the ICU for a weekend while they got his sugars under control and gave him fluids.

Pippin was a trooper about blood sugars and insulin injections. He grumbled a little about the pawsticks, but he quickly returned to being his old self, running and playing and being generally happy. Two weeks later, he was sick again. Back in the ICU with a flare-up of his pancreatitis. A month after that... we were still having trouble regulating his blood sugars, increasing his insulin... and we found he had a bump in his kidney numbers. Pippin was in mild renal failure. Say what?! A seven year old cat with little prior history in renal failure? So we saw the internal medicine specialist, who did an ultrasound and thought he had pyelonephritis, a bad kidney infection. We put him on antibiotics and fluids again, and he appeared to bounce back again. We worked closely with the IM vet to try to get his sugars under control. Poor Pippin was still being such a trooper! Still happy, still eating, still playing and running around like a kitten. We had Pippin home for Christmas, and had a wonderful Christmas together - my DH, Pippin, the other three cats and me. I had to leave to go to my other brother's wedding, while my husband stayed home and took care of Pippin. At this point, our lives revolved around him and trying to keep him healthy and get him better. I thought Pippin was doing wonderfully.

And then after the New Year, another bump in his kidney numbers, so we took him to our IM vet, who did an ultrasound to find his kidneys were big again. So now it's time to do a biopsy to see if he has lymphoma - we'd already gone through the agony of a needle aspirate to check for it, and the waiting and waiting to find out. So again, we put poor Pippin through another procedure, and he does okay. In the meanwhile, we've started SubQ fluids daily. But that Friday, he starts vomiting. Back to the IM vet & a few days in the ICU with pancreatitis flaring. My poor baby! Every time he was in the ICU, I visited him before and after work. I work 3-11, so I'd go and sit with him in an exam room and play with him from 1-2:30, then spend a couple hours with him after work at 11. I did that this time, too. And so Pippin came home after a day in the ICU this time. Great, we think! They send us home with some injectable anti-nausea meds, just in case, and more SubQ fluids. Our ENTIRE existence is now revolving around our baby Pippin. He is our life, trying to get him better. And then, on Monday January 23, DH and I went to Petco to pick some things up, and come back to find Pippin has used the litterbox. Now, off and on throughout all this, Pippin has had chronic diarrhea, either from the antbiotics or pancreatitis, or a combination. We look, and holy cow! It's the first normal BM we've seen from Pippin in months, hurray! But then I look more closely and see he's vomited. So we give the anti-nausea med, which we'd had to give a couple times since we last had him in. It doesn't help. He still is acting nauseated. He goes and hides in his litterbox, just sits there. That terrified me, because he never does that.

So after multiple calls to the emergency vet, we take him at 1 AM. They look him over, say he looks okay, and by then he didn't look so nauseated. I asked them to do labs on him, so we'd be able to talk to the IM vet in the morning about it. They do, and the ER vet comes out with a very sad look on his face. His creatinine, which had never been above 3.5, was 9. It had been 2.6 eleven days before that. At this point, I know we're going to lose him. But Pippin's looking at me with those big yellow eyes, and he tells me with that look that he still wants to fight. (At least, I really hope that's what he was telling me.) So we admit him, start fluids and talk to our IM vet in the morning - not that my husband and I slept at all after we got home. She suggests bringing him to Tufts, because she really isn't sure what's going on. I was terrified. Even more terrified than I had been. We lost Cleo and Horatio there. This can't be happening, I thought to myself. But we took him to Tufts.

A wonderful team followed Pippin while he was there. He stayed from Tuesday AM until Friday when we let him go. We tried continuous dialysis, after a long talk with the attending specialist, and a long hard look at Pippin to see if he was ready to give up. He looked like he didn't feel well, but he still held his head up. He still purred and rubbed our hands. We talked with our IM vet, who knew Pippin and us so very well by now. She said that she wouldn't say this about most cats/in most cases, but if Pippin were her cat, she'd try it. So we decided to try it.

It was a roller coaster. He was in a little heart failure, so they put him on a lasix IV and another med to help his heart and kidneys work better. And that didn't work so they did put him on dialysis. And then he started making some urine. And then he stopped. And then he started again. And then there was blood in his bladder, since they did another renal biopsy to try to figure out what the heck was going on, and he was on a blood thinner on dialysis. And then his blood counts dropped, so he got multiple transfusions. And all this time, I'm looking at Pippin, still trying to decide if he wanted to give up. Wednesday night, I visited him and he ate from my hand. What a blessing that was. What a precious, precious memory, now. He kissed my cheek with his little sandpaper kisses. So I knew he stilled loved me, and that he knew we were just trying to make him better. And we thought he was making urine, so the dialysis was helping his kidneys. The next day, he was worse. I called out sick from work to go be with him, and I sat with him from 11 AM until 11 PM. They let me sit with him in dialysis, and I am so very grateful to have had that time. Friday morning, they call and let me know he's stopped making urine again. The attending began trying to seriously pursue transplant as an option, since Pippin was so young and we were willing to try it. DH and I rushed to Tufts to be with him, and we discussed the options. Euthanasia was an option, but so was trying him off dialysis, seeing if his kidneys started doing some work on their own, since his numbers were back to normal.

Again, we talked to our IM vet, who advised us to ask ourselves if we'd be able to live with not giving him that 24 hours off dialysis trying. So that was the plan - try him off dialysis. I looked at the heart monitor, though, and since I'm an ICU nurse, I recognize that he's in ventricular tachycardia, which I point out. So my husband and I, terrified, step back far enough to let them get to him. The doctors ask how much we want them to do. I look to my husband, because he wasn't in the same place I was - he wanted them to do everything. Suddenly, his heart rate drops, and Pippin cries out. The doctor gives three chest compressions, and his heart goes back into a normal rhythm for a kitty. DH and I call out, "Pippin, we love you. We're here, and we love you." They bring in the ultrasound to look at his heart, and draw blood from the dialysis line and find his potassium is sky-high on dialysis - a very bad sign, and I don't need anyone to tell me how bad, at that point. I know. I hate being a nurse and knowing. I don't always want to know. They give him a fluid bolus, and we go back to sit with him, petting him and telling him how much we love him. And then the tech takes his blood pressure, which is 40. Incompatible with life, I know in my heart. I tell my husband, "Honey. Pippin's body is telling us he's done fighting. We have to let him go." We have a talk with our IM vet, who is as kind and wonderful as always, and who agrees that Pippin is done fighting.

We took Pippin off dialysis, and held him. On top of all this, I called out sick to work for the weekend. I'm the sort of person who NEVER calls out, even on my deathbed, but I knew I couldn't take care of patients safely if we were losing Pippin. My boss calls me and insists on speaking to me. He asks how the kitty is. I tell him - a fellow nurse - that we took him off dialysis, and we're about to let him die. He proceeds to tell me that he and I need to have a meeting to talk about my calling out and future expectations. So at the moment I should have been most focused on my family, he's distracting me with that. I was so angry. But I refocused on what was important - Pippin and my DH. We settled Pippin in my arms, wrapped in a blanket, and we held him and talked to him. We told him how special he was, and how loved he was, and we would never ever forget him. We told him how much we were going to miss him, and petted him. We called my mother, who told Pippin she loved him and goodbye over the phone, and she told him she'd see him again someday. I think we held him for about an hour and a half. He was comfortable; he'd been on a narcotic IV, so that was still in his system. He was calm, restful. And then, we let them give the injection to help him die. DH and I stayed for at least another hour with him. It was so hard to let him go - to give him to tech and doctors. He fought so hard to stay with us. I loved him so much. I would have done anything for him. And then, we went home... January 27th. My baby was dead. My soulmate was gone.

No Pippin. Even with three cats, the house is quiet. Pippin was the one who was always hanging out at our feet. Letting us know when it was meal time. Letting us know when it was playtime. He was the one that slept on my hip. He was my baby. And he was gone. I explained what had happened to the other cats, and that Pippin wasn't coming home this time. I don't know how much they understood, but I do know that his sister Willow wouldn't look at me for a couple hours, after I explained things to her. For days, the other cats kept looking for him. He was the one that herded them into the kitchen for meals. Our Karma kept looking for him at mealtime. Strider was dejected. They've started to heal now, and we have a new family member, Earl Grey. It's beyond the scope of this post, but I'm fairly certain Pippin led us to him. And Earl is fitting in well - yet of course, he doesn't replace Pippin. I think Pippin would have liked him, though.

Most of the time, I'm okay. I go on with life. I hate being at work now, after the way my boss treated me while I was losing a family member. My mom says this is a gift from Pippin - a motivation to find a new job that's closer to home, where I'm happier. She's probably right. She usually is. (At 36, yes, I can finally admit my mother's right.) The other cats - thank goodness for them. Loving them helps. Being around DH helps. Distracting myself with decorating and craft projects helps... but none of it brings him back.

I know how this goes. I've lost pets before. I lost my dad when he was 49. I know it hurts like crazy, and that some days are good days, and some days are bad days. But today's not a good day. I haven't told the full story all at once yet, like I did here. Thank you for letting me share it.

Kel

[Gretta's Mom]

Oh Pippin's mom

My heart is breaking for you. What a hellish experience - the hundreds of things you guys did to save Mr Pippin's life! Most PEOPLE'S relatives wouldn't have done that much. And it must have been thousands of times more horrible for you - a nurse - knowing what each and every lab and procedure meant.

It reminds me of the year 1994-5 when my (human) sister had a pancreas transplant at the U of MD. It went VERY bad, they had to take the new organ, and she developedd EO-PTLD - one of the first cases and BOY did they not know what to do!! Even tho I'm a lay person, my mom was a nurse and I learned almost everything there is to know about lab chemistries!! My sister lived - it was a TRUE miracle - alk phos over 3800 and bili 48+. As you say, incompatible with life!

I lost my Gretta, the first dog I'd ever had as an adult, last April 10. She is the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived. She, too, had the wonderful fortune of having been treated at a good vet school (like Pippin at Tufts) - at the U of MN. Like you and Pippin-kitty, Gretta died in my arms, hearing over and over that I loved her )still do) more than anything else on earth. Everyone (vet, tech, friend) was sobbing. I'll never forget her last deep sigh before she went over to the Perfect World from which she came and where we WILL be reunited some day never to be parted again.

I know your mom is right when she says that Pippin sent you the new kitty - the Earl Grey. Gretta sent me a dog, too - Rufus, a half black lab, half newfie.

All of us cradle your heart in our hands (or paws) and reassure you that PIPPIN LIVES and that, just as before, she loves you and watches over you. It's a little late right now but in the morning I'll write and tell you how I know that Pippin isn't an ordinary animal - she's truly your soul-mate, what American Indians called "white buffalos".

Peace and blessings to you tonight.

Gretta's mom

[DannysMom]

Hello Kel, welcome to this forum. I am very sorry for your loss. I too had a sweet little Tuxedo boy. He was named Danny and went to the angels last December. It must have been so stressful for you to go through the ups and downs in Pippin's health. Grief comes over us in waves. At first, they hit us really hard, but as time goes by the frequency and intensity of the waves of grief diminish. The first few months are very hard. It has been two months for me since my Danny boy died, and I'm still struggling. And now it looks like I might lose my little Tina who has been with me for over 14 years. So, it's a double whammy for me. I know how you feel about Pippin having been so special and more close to you than the other cats. I always had a special bond with Danny as well. There is just something about the Tuxedo boys.

I am glad that you added Earl Grey to your family. My, what a distinguished name! Kel, the grief journey is one that is imposed upon us. Nobody enters the house of grief voluntary, and we'd rather soon leave, but in order to get through it we need to embrace the grief and let it take us to a new place. It is hard to adjust to the new normal, and I still look at Danny's favorite napping places and picture him there, napping so contentedly. Please know that we are here for you in this forum.

Hugs,
DannysMom

[xxForeverxx]

I am so sorry for your loss.

It's so good to hear of another person that has so much love to give to so many kitties. Pippin loved you so much and wil be so grateful for all the love and help you gave him. I am so sorry to hear as well how your boss treated you. He was totally out of order but unfortunately not all people out there understand the pain animal lovers go through when we lose a loved one. You have come to the Ruhr place as there are so many wonderful understanding people on here.

My thoughts are with you.

xxForeverxx

[Pippin's Mom Kel]

Oh Pippin's mom

My heart is breaking for you. What a hellish experience - the hundreds of things you guys did to save Mr Pippin's life! Most PEOPLE'S relatives wouldn't have done that much. And it must have been thousands of times more horrible for you - a nurse - knowing what each and every lab and procedure meant.

It reminds me of the year 1994-5 when my (human) sister had a pancreas transplant at the U of MD. It went VERY bad, they had to take the new organ, and she developedd EO-PTLD - one of the first cases and BOY did they not know what to do!! Even tho I'm a lay person, my mom was a nurse and I learned almost everything there is to know about lab chemistries!! My sister lived - it was a TRUE miracle - alk phos over 3800 and bili 48+. As you say, incompatible with life!

I lost my Gretta, the first dog I'd ever had as an adult, last April 10. She is the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived. She, too, had the wonderful fortune of having been treated at a good vet school (like Pippin at Tufts) - at the U of MN. Like you and Pippin-kitty, Gretta died in my arms, hearing over and over that I loved her )still do) more than anything else on earth. Everyone (vet, tech, friend) was sobbing. I'll never forget her last deep sigh before she went over to the Perfect World from which she came and where we WILL be reunited some day never to be parted again.

I know your mom is right when she says that Pippin sent you the new kitty - the Earl Grey. Gretta sent me a dog, too - Rufus, a half black lab, half newfie.

All of us cradle your heart in our hands (or paws) and reassure you that PIPPIN LIVES and that, just as before, she loves you and watches over you. It's a little late right now but in the morning I'll write and tell you how I know that Pippin isn't an ordinary animal - she's truly your soul-mate, what American Indians called "white buffalos".

Peace and blessings to you tonight.

Gretta's mom

Gretta's mom,

Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts. It was so, so hard to step back and just be a family member, not the nurse. And it was hard, because some of my coworkers asked me why I was torturing my cat - my boss, in particular. Naturally, I worried that I was, but I always stepped back and asked myself how uncomfortable things were for Pippin, and if he seemed to be tired of fighting, and until the very last day, he was still a fighter. The last day, I knew he was done. And so I told my boss: He is my cat. I know him, and I know he's not done fighting. You know your child the best, right? Well, I know my Pippin the best. And he's only SEVEN. ... Sigh. It was hard, feeling like I had to defend myself for going above and beyond. I always asked the vets, even the specialists at Tufts: is this too much? And when it was, they said so. We could have done more. We could have put him on blood pressure support medications and antiarrhythmics for his heart... but we didn't. We let him go when it was time.

Then there were the people who said: I wouldn't spend that much on a CAT. We were able to do it, and I know some people can't - and that breaks my heart for them. It was just so hard to hear people judging me for being willing to. And yes, my husband and I would have gone into debt, if it would have saved him. I can't put a price on a life, especially not that of my baby. I'm having trouble working through the reactions of other people, even a month+ later. It still hurts. And it's still none of their business, but you know how people are...

I'd like to think that Pippin and I will meet again someday. There's a small - maybe a little crazy - part of me that wonders if Earl Grey is Horatio come back to us. The superficial resemblance is uncanny. That's part of what got our attention in the first place! We went to Petsmart, and saw a cat who looked like Pippin when he was all curled up, and that brought us over to look at their shelter kitties (that cat, Divo, didn't look much like Pippin when he lifted his head). And then we saw Earl Grey, big, grey fluffy kitty, who looked a lot like Horatio. He was snuggly and loving from the start, even just meeting him for a short while. The next day, we looked for him on the shelter's website, but he was gone, and Petsmart said he had an adoption pending, so DH and I figured it wasn't meant to be. I, on a whim, decided to check their website and Earl Grey was back- it turns out not one, but two adoptions had fallen through! So we brought him home the next Sunday, a little over two weeks after Pippin left us. When Earl stepped out of his room for the first time, he did not act like a typical shy, exploring cat. No slinking around - he held his head up and checked the whole place out, almost like he'd been there before. When he met our orange cat, Karma - the only cat left with us who'd known Horatio, and the big protective male that we expected would freak out the most about a new arrival - he and Karma touched noses like they were old friends!! And Earl does the silent meow thing... he opens his mouth to meow, and sometimes no sound comes out. Horatio's the only cat I've ever seen do that, until now. Maybe it's wishful thinking, but maybe this means we'll see Pippin again someday, too. I can hope, right?

[Pippin's Mom Kel]

Hello Kel, welcome to this forum. I am very sorry for your loss. I too had a sweet little Tuxedo boy. He was named Danny and went to the angels last December. It must have been so stressful for you to go through the ups and downs in Pippin's health. Grief comes over us in waves. At first, they hit us really hard, but as time goes by the frequency and intensity of the waves of grief diminish. The first few months are very hard. It has been two months for me since my Danny boy died, and I'm still struggling. And now it looks like I might lose my little Tina who has been with me for over 14 years. So, it's a double whammy for me. I know how you feel about Pippin having been so special and more close to you than the other cats. I always had a special bond with Danny as well. There is just something about the Tuxedo boys.

I am glad that you added Earl Grey to your family. My, what a distinguished name! Kel, the grief journey is one that is imposed upon us. Nobody enters the house of grief voluntary, and we'd rather soon leave, but in order to get through it we need to embrace the grief and let it take us to a new place. It is hard to adjust to the new normal, and I still look at Danny's favorite napping places and picture him there, napping so contentedly. Please know that we are here for you in this forum.

Hugs,
DannysMom

Hi, Danny's Mom, and thank you so much for your reply. Tuxedos certainly are special, aren't they? (Though, I've found all the kitties I've had are pretty darn special - but Pippin and I were so tightly bonded.) Everyone at the emergency vet/ICU adored him. They'd do rounds carrying him around with his paws draped over their shoulders when he was there! It sounded like they all took turns doing that. And he was so in love with one of the vets there, Dr. S. My big, handsome flirt. He also used to give them headbutts. The vets at Tufts fell in love with him, too; he kept chatting to them while he was on dialysis, for the first couple days. He was all heart. I miss him so. I'm finally adjusting to not having my life revolve around caring for him, though. Intellectually, I know this is how things go when you've been the caregiver for someone with a chronic illness, but I've never experienced it before.

Earl has been a wonderful addition to our home. We brought him home two weeks after Pippin left us, which we worried was too soon, but I couldn't NOT give a sweet, wonderful kitty a home because of time. It's ended up being very good for the three other kitties. Little Strider was Pippin's playmate, and now Earl (who is only two) and Strider chase each other all over the house. He and Karma are bonding, too. Willow, our little calico girl, still isn't quite sure. Earl has no concept of anyone not being his friend, so he doesn't always get it when Willow tells him to back off. She's warming up to him, slowly but surely. She was Pippin's girl, though, from the moment she came to us as a tiny kitten, and Pippin was a big guy, by then. He used to sleep with her, groom her... They didn't do it much when she grew up, but I think she stayed his girl. So, I think Miss Willow is still adjusting to her new normal; we just keep giving her all the love in the world.

I'm so sorry you lost your Danny, and that your Tina isn't well. I hope she stays with you for a bit longer.

[Pippin's Mom Kel]

I am so sorry for your loss.

It's so good to hear of another person that has so much love to give to so many kitties. Pippin loved you so much and wil be so grateful for all the love and help you gave him. I am so sorry to hear as well how your boss treated you. He was totally out of order but unfortunately not all people out there understand the pain animal lovers go through when we lose a loved one. You have come to the Ruhr place as there are so many wonderful understanding people on here.

My thoughts are with you.

xxForeverxx

Thank you, xxForeverxx.

The behavior of my boss made it far more challenging to deal with Pippin's loss; it would have been nearly impossible anyway. I'm trying to remind myself that anger is a part of grief, and I'm trying not to look for a scapegoat for a situation that no one is really to blame for. It isn't his fault Pippin was sick. (I have, however, revised my opinion of this boss - I used to think he was great, but it's funny how folks show their true colors...)

It's nice to come to a safe place where people Get It. Thank you.

<3

[moon_beam]

Hi, Kel, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Pippin. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions on this side of eternity - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

I am so sorry that your supervisor was so horrible to you. I know what it is to work in a place with a person / people that have no clue about the grief of losing a beloved companion. Although clinical professionals now recognize that the grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is identical to the physical loss of a human family member or friend, our society in general, and sometimes some of the people who are closest to us geographically, does not. I have learned that when I need to be off work because my furkids need me, I simply say there is a family emergency and do not offer any specifics. I hope you are able to continue working in your current job without too much stress.

Even when there are precious companions in the home, there is no denying that the physical absence is noticed of the one little life that is no longer present. It feels like even the structure of the house itself is grieving. This grief journey is one of adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Pippin, and this can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in your own way and in your own time.

Please let me add my sincerest congratulations to you in your precious new fur family member Earl Grey (perhaps named after the tea?). I wish for you and your precious Earl Grey a long, happy, healthy earthly journey together.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Pippiin with us, Kel. I know right now there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the pain of loss that is in your heart, but I assure you that one day the deep sorrow that is in your heart will ease. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[DannysMom]

Thank you, xxForeverxx.

The behavior of my boss made it far more challenging to deal with Pippin's loss; it would have been nearly impossible anyway. I'm trying to remind myself that anger is a part of grief, and I'm trying not to look for a scapegoat for a situation that no one is really to blame for. It isn't his fault Pippin was sick. (I have, however, revised my opinion of this boss - I used to think he was great, but it's funny how folks show their true colors...)

It's nice to come to a safe place where people Get It. Thank you.

<3

Kel, I am sorry that you had to deal with a boss who did not understand and co-workers who questioned you spending so much money on your little Pippin. They have no right to tell you what to do or to judge you for spending money on helping Pippin. These furry little creatures are like our children, and if it would have helped my Danny boy I too would have spent more money on him. God bless you for having a compassionate and caring heart. When we love someone we naturally want to do all that we can to help. I am sure your little Pippin appreciated everything that you did for him. Grieving the loss of a beloved pet is often called disenfranchised grief, because it is not socially sanctioned to grieve over the loss of a furry companion. And that adds to the pain that we already feel.

[Pippin's Mom Kel]

Hi, Kel, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Pippin. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions on this side of eternity - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

I am so sorry that your supervisor was so horrible to you. I know what it is to work in a place with a person / people that have no clue about the grief of losing a beloved companion. Although clinical professionals now recognize that the grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is identical to the physical loss of a human family member or friend, our society in general, and sometimes some of the people who are closest to us geographically, does not. I have learned that when I need to be off work because my furkids need me, I simply say there is a family emergency and do not offer any specifics. I hope you are able to continue working in your current job without too much stress.

Even when there are precious companions in the home, there is no denying that the physical absence is noticed of the one little life that is no longer present. It feels like even the structure of the house itself is grieving. This grief journey is one of adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Pippin, and this can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in your own way and in your own time.

Please let me add my sincerest congratulations to you in your precious new fur family member Earl Grey (perhaps named after the tea?). I wish for you and your precious Earl Grey a long, happy, healthy earthly journey together.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Pippiin with us, Kel. I know right now there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the pain of loss that is in your heart, but I assure you that one day the deep sorrow that is in your heart will ease. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moon_beam,

Thank you so much for your sweet words. It is comforting to know that there are people who understand the depth of the loss I'm feeling (although I wish no one had to feel this pain). I know that this hurts as much as it does because Pippin and I loved each other so deeply - but what a bitter pill that is!

Earl Grey was already named when we got him, but I do believe he was named after the tea. He's often underfoot in the best possible ways.

It's good to be able to share Pippin with people who understand. I feel like talking about him honors his memory.

[Pippin's Mom Kel]

Kel, I am sorry that you had to deal with a boss who did not understand and co-workers who questioned you spending so much money on your little Pippin. They have no right to tell you what to do or to judge you for spending money on helping Pippin. These furry little creatures are like our children, and if it would have helped my Danny boy I too would have spent more money on him. God bless you for having a compassionate and caring heart. When we love someone we naturally want to do all that we can to help. I am sure your little Pippin appreciated everything that you did for him. Grieving the loss of a beloved pet is often called disenfranchised grief, because it is not socially sanctioned to grieve over the loss of a furry companion. And that adds to the pain that we already feel.

Thank you, Danny's Mom. Those things have certainly made it more difficult to work through my grief. I have to stop and remind myself that in truth, I should feel sorry for the people who don't understand. It makes me sad that they've never felt the depth of love and that special bond that I had with Pippin (and the other cats I've lost).

Today, I went out onto our sunroom. Earl Grey was curled up on a chair, enjoying the late winter afternoon sunlight, and what should I find next to him but one of Pippin's whiskers. It's like he put it there for me to find when I needed him the most.

[Petunia]

Pippin's Mom - I'm so sorry for the loss of your kitty. It sounds like you and dh are just super awesome pet parents and your Pippin and your other kitties are SO lucky to have you !

You really did everything that you could for Pippin. I know how frustrating the whole kidney thing can be (I lost my cat Wicket 6 months ago to Kidney Disease, he was just shy of 7 & my 18 year old kitty is dealing with off the charts bun & creatine as we speak ).

I'm sorry that on top of it all you are dealing with insensitive and rude people. Even if you don't understand what someone else is dealing with - why in the world would someone pick that moment to say something like that?! You made the right choice for both your family AND your patients! I'd like to have a word or two with your supervisor!

I hope that your dh and your other kitties can help you get through this very difficult time.

[Pippin's Mom Kel]

Pippin's Mom - I'm so sorry for the loss of your kitty. It sounds like you and dh are just super awesome pet parents and your Pippin and your other kitties are SO lucky to have you !

You really did everything that you could for Pippin. I know how frustrating the whole kidney thing can be (I lost my cat Wicket 6 months ago to Kidney Disease, he was just shy of 7 & my 18 year old kitty is dealing with off the charts bun & creatine as we speak ).

I'm sorry that on top of it all you are dealing with insensitive and rude people. Even if you don't understand what someone else is dealing with - why in the world would someone pick that moment to say something like that?! You made the right choice for both your family AND your patients! I'd like to have a word or two with your supervisor!

I hope that your dh and your other kitties can help you get through this very difficult time.

Petunia, thank you so much for your kindness and understanding. The kidney thing is horribly frustrating. We still don't know why his kidneys failed so quickly, and I don't think we're ever going to have those answers. I was hoping we'd get some closure, but I have to accept that's just not meant to be. I'm sorry to hear you have experienced losing one so young from it, and that your 18 year-old is going through that. I'll think happy thoughts that her (his?) values improve - or that kitty remains happy and eating, at least.

Thanks for the understanding and sympathy re: work. It's made things a lot harder than they needed to be, you know?

DH and kitties are helping. I think Pippin himself is helping, too.

[Pippin's Mom Kel]

I know this might sound crazy, but I think Pippin is still poking his little paw into my life from the spirit world. I mentioned above that yesterday, there was a Pippin-whisker on a chair next to Earl Grey. I mentioned to my husband that I had looked at that chair before, and I knew I hadn't seen it there. In his typical, non-committal (read: trying not to tell me I'm crazy) way, he said, "Maybe." Me: I *know* it wasn't there.

And then, I rearranged our bedroom later in the afternoon. Behind my husband's dresser, I found Pippin's favorite toy. It was a puffball he carried around in his mouth all the time. When he wanted to play in the middle of the night, he'd stand outside our bedroom door and meow... with it in his mouth. It was the funniest, most plaintive sound. So I showed DH, and said, "I have no idea how that got back there. I swear, it's like Pippin's putting things where we can find them so we know he's here when we need him the most." Again, the husband says: "Maybe."

Finally, we go to bed, and I'm still awake, having trouble falling asleep, and I thought, for just a second, I heard Pippin's "puffball-in-mouth-play-with-me" meow. I tell myself that it's my imagination. I start to drift toward sleep, and I realize my husband got up out of bed, then laid back down and was tossing and turning. I ask him if he's okay. He said, yes, he'd just heard one of the cats meowing really loudly, but when he went to check on them, they were all asleep. I asked which one it sounded like, where each of them were, and so on - he said it sounded like Miss Willow, but she was sound asleep with the rest of them. After thinking about it for a moment, I asked him if it sounded like the meow Pippin made when he was holding his puffball. My husband gets very quiet and says, "Yeeees. Why?" And then I told him what I heard, earlier. Being me, I couldn't help but say, "Now, are you going to stop looking at me like I'm crazy when I say that I swear Pippin's around once in a while?" Again that pause. "Yeeees."

Oh, Pippin. Always backing your mom up, even if she IS crazy.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Kel, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me reassure you that you are NOT losing your mind. It is very normal for us to hear / see our beloved companions even though they are not physically with us. I am so glad your beloved Pippin is letting you know he is still near - - for he truly is. His sweet Living Spirit is no longer confined to the physical laws of time and space. So enjoy your beloved Pippin's visits, Kel.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Kel. Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Pippin with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward ot knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Pippin's Mom Kel]

Hi, Kel, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me reassure you that you are NOT losing your mind. It is very normal for us to hear / see our beloved companions even though they are not physically with us. I am so glad your beloved Pippin is letting you know he is still near - - for he truly is. His sweet Living Spirit is no longer confined to the physical laws of time and space. So enjoy your beloved Pippin's visits, Kel.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Kel. Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Pippin with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward ot knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moon_beam,

Thank you so much for the reassurance! My husband has also had a few experiences, where one cat has moved and then he thought he saw Pippin sitting right there, too - and it took him a few minutes to realize Pippin really wasn't there. He thinks his eyes were playing tricks on him, but I think Pippin WAS there! I feel much less crazy now and I look forward to Pippin's next appearance/gift.

Today has been treating me kindly so far, thankfully. Your kindness is appreciated.
Kel

[Pippin's Mom Kel]

Last night, I started writing letters to Pippin on Livejournal. I'm fine when I'm occupied - working, at home in the middle of a project, and so on. But my drive to and from work is an hour long. Those are lonely hours, and I think sometimes that's when I miss him most. Before he died, I was usually driving home to give him "second dinner" and insulin.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Kel, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Keeping a journal is very helpful, and I'm glad you are finding it comforting. Long drives can be difficult when going through deep grief. I remember the gut-wrenching sobbing drives both to and from work, doing errands, etc.. Even though keeping busy and distracted does help it is also important that you allow yourself the time to grieve the physical absence of your beloved Pippin. It's not a pleasant part of this grief journey to feel the pain and loneliness and emptiness, but I assure you, Kel, that it s a part of this journey that will eventually help make the sorrow in your heart less painful. I truly wish there were an easier way to do it, and if there were I would most certainly share it with you.

Thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, Kel. I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you, your husband, and your precious fur tribe will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Pippin's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you're in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[DannysMom]

Last night, I started writing letters to Pippin on Livejournal. I'm fine when I'm occupied - working, at home in the middle of a project, and so on. But my drive to and from work is an hour long. Those are lonely hours, and I think sometimes that's when I miss him most. Before he died, I was usually driving home to give him "second dinner" and insulin.

Hello Kel! I am glad that you started writing letters to your sweet Pippin. I wrote about Danny in a special pet remembrance journal, and I pasted some photos and one of his super-long whiskers in the journal. It helped to put my feelings into words, and I am sure that is helping you as well. We need to let our grief out instead of holding it in. On the grief journey the waves of grief sweep over us, and it is best to embrace them instead of fighting them. It is like trying to stand against a big wave on the beach; it takes more energy to fight the wave. On the long drives to and from work it might help you to vocalize your feelings and to just talk to Pippin.
It is so hard to adjust to life without our precious little friends, and it will take a while to really find the new normal. We are here for you in this forum.

[xxForeverxx]

Hi Kel

Starting a journal sounds like a wonderful thing to be doing. Your baby Pippin is probably smiling now at the thought of you doing that. I think it is the best tribute we can give to our little ones and I am currently in the process of writing a journal too.

It is harder when our minds are not occupied. And I still struggle but I do find myself thinking well maybe this will give me a boost to do more stuff with my days instead of moping around feeling sorry for myself as I know Chewy would have wanted that for me.

I hope you are ok today.

xxForeverxx