I Miss My Dog Cleo So Much, How to cope with the departure Options

[Loci]

My name is Christine and I lost my dog, my child, my love on the eve of her 9th birthday. Cleo was an Australian Kelpie. My husband and I rescued her from a shelter when she was 10 weeks old. From the very beginning, poor Cleo was cursed with health problems. As a puppy, Cleo was diagnosed with a liver shunt. She went temporarily blind, her liver enzymes were out of whack, and she was having outrageous fevers for months. We were told her chances were small in making through the surgery. All these docs told us to put her down, but we just didn't have the heart to do so. Thousands of dollars later, we saved her life. The second we picked her up from the hospital, she was a brand new dog....but moreover, she was incredibly loyal. She knew we had saved her.

As she grew into a bigger dog, her personality just shone through. She was the kindest, sweetest, most obedient, loyal and loving animal I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Every person that was fortunate to meet her knew she was a "one of a kind dog". She did so many activities, of which she loved the most, swimming, hiking, playing at the park and playing in the snow. Anywhere we'd go and we'd let her off leash. Dog owners were just in dismay of the loyalty and obedience Cleo possessed. On our daily walks or swims, people would stop and ask where we trained our dog.......we just told them that we invested our time and love and in turn she has always had this amazing disposition.

At the age of 5, Cleo was diagnosed with arthritis. We increased her time swimming to keep pressure off of her joints. We took her weekly, if not 2-3 times a week, to a rehabilitation facility with a pool and all. She was a super star there. In fact, she was so well behaved and loved there that when CBS evening news did a spot on the rehab facility, Cleo was chosen as one of 10 dogs to represent their facility. I couldn't have been more proud of my Cleo.

Two and a half years ago, our family grew and we had a little girl, Isabel. Everyone warned me that the love for my child would outgrow the love for my dog.....that my dog would take the back seat. But when my Isabel was born, my love for Cleo grew even deeper. It was true that I never felt this kind of love for another human in the way that I love my daughter, but my love for Cleo grew with that was well. Of course it was true that Cleo didn't get as much attention as she did before Izzy was born, but my husband and I made it a point to continue to take her out every single day and do the things she loved. In fact, Cleo was so attached to me ever since my 1st pregnancy. She followed me everywhere and in fact, she got me through the first three months of my post partum depression. Cleo would stay up with me all night long when I was getting up every half hour. She was by my side while I cried. She comforted me at my lowest points in my life. Cleo was the ONLY things that kept me going. No matter how I felt and how anxious I got or how I felt I couldn't go on, Cleo made me realize life was worth living. Her comfort, including her hugs and kisses, were so special to me and I treasured them. There wasn't a night that went by that I didn't kiss her good night and tell her what a wonderful dog she is!

Back in late January, Cleo got very sick. She was very lethargic. We thought it was her arthritis getting the best of her. We took her to the vet and the diagnosis we got was devastating. Her gums were pale and they said we needed to take her in right away. We took her to the teaching hospital where she received treatment and surgery for her liver shunt as a puppy because it was a lot cheaper there. They diagnosed her with IMHA. We were devastated. We learned as much as we could about this destructive auto immune disease. She did not have cancer or a parasitic infection, which placed her in the category with 65% of other dogs where the cause of her IMHA was unknown. This of course still haunts me as I want answers as to WHY she got sick. She was placed on prednisone/azothiaprine therapy, which suppressed her immune system. She responded well at first to therapy, and I had to drive her 1 1/2 hour one way every week to the teaching hospital with a toddler in tow to check her PCV, liver enzymes, etc. Those trips were tough. We finally got Cleo balanced on her meds and she stabilized. However, her activity was severely restricted due to the possibility of a pulmonary embolism. That was her death sentence. How could I not ever take her swimming or hiking again? I couldn't even take her on a walk to the park????? We were just beside ourselves, but Cleo kept her head up and was such a fighter. About 5 weeks ago, Cleo took a turn for the worse. She got a urinary tract infection and crashed. I ran her, with toddler in tow, to the hospital. We were there for 8 long hours. Long story short, she was admitted to the ICU that night. I never cried so hard in my life....or at least not up to that point. I thought we'd lose her for sure. We didn't get a call in the middle of the night, so that was good news. They called at 9am that morning that Cleo responded well to antibiotic and prednisone treatment and that she could come home. We were ever so happy! But was she? Last week, gosh......this is so hard...........my husband told me that he woke up and that Cleo wouldn't come downstairs. He left for work and when i got up, I noticed that Cleo had thrown up ALL over the house. I thought she ate something weird. Later that day, I took Izzy to see a movie because it was a chilly day and I wanted Cleo to rest up without a screaming toddler in the house. I regret going to that movie. When I got home, she had thrown up more. I called the vet. They said that she just needed anti-nausea meds, but that i should bring her in for the 1st dose so they could inject it so she wouldn't throw it up. I took her and I noticed her breathing wasn't right. The vet checked her and said her lungs were fine.....the proceeded to giver her fluids and the anti-nausea meds and sent us on our way. I kept telling the vet that I thought her breathing was off and the poor thing couldn't even STAND UP?!?!?!? She said it was due to her stomach issues. So I took Cleo and she was barely limping behind me. I paid for the visit and while most dogs would be running out the door to go home, Cleo just laid there. I knew something was wrong. I would have picked her up, except that she was a 50+ lb dog and I am pregnant again. So I just encouraged her to follow me........and then......she was stumbling in the parking lot. Just as we got to the car, I looked at her, she swayed once, she put her nose to the ground and collapsed under my car. I screamed for help. People in the parking lot scrambled and I started screaming and crying to save my dog. They got her on the stretcher and took her to ICU. They stabilized her....her PCV was fine, her liver was fine, but it looked that she had another infection. They said they'd have to keep her overnight. So I stayed with her for another half hour or so in ICU just petting her and telling her how much I loved her. Her breathing was still very labored and didn't seem right to me. I left to go home. My husband I cried, but knew she was a fighter. I went to bed around 8:50pm that night and I distinctly remember telling my husband that Cleo was coming home in the morning because she is a fighter and that she always makes it. Just as I said that, the fateful call came in. I will never forget it. My husband answered and I could hear the vet say "Cleo is not doing good". She had gone into septic shock. We rushed to the hsp. We saw here there and she lifted her head to greet us, which she hadn't done all night according to the vet. I held her face in my hands and kissed her so many, many times and told her what a good girl she was and that i loved her so much. She looked at me and laid her head back down. That was the last time I would ever hold her! They said they could try a transfusion. Of course, I said "do whatever you can to save her life", but my husband was more realistic "even if she does make it, what kind of life will she have". But I didn't care. I wanted my dog, my child back in my arms in the morning. I couldn't say goodbye yet. It was her BIRTHDAY the next day and she was only going to be 9!!!!!! She had many years ahead of her in my mind......she had to move with us into our new house the following week......she had to be there when the new baby arrives. We drive back home......at 11pm we got the news that the transfusion did not work and it was time to say good bye. This is where I feel the most amount of guilt and shame. I couldn't go. I couldn't go say goodbye to her. I couldn't get it through my mind that she was leaving us. I gave my husband her blanket and her favorite toy. I sat there and was so out of control upset that I didn't know what to do. I know I just saw her, but because of my pregnancy, I was afraid that being there would tear me apart to the point where I was afraid for my baby's well being. But I know she needed me. I was there through EVERY treatment, through EVERY one of her pains and I saw her through EVERY crash when we almost lost her due to this STUPID disease. It emotionally tore me apart, yet I couldn't even go to hold her when she passed. It haunts me every day that she was looking for me. It tears me apart that I didn't get to tell her that I lover her. I cry morning, noon and night and I cannot function without her. It pains me even more to know how much she was suffering over the past 4 months, but she wouldn't even allude to any pain that she was going through.

Here I sit in my new, beautiful house. Ready to bring a new baby into this world. Raising my wonderful daughter. Yet I cannot get past the pain of the guilt and the pain of losing my "1st child". She meant the world to me. I loved her with every thing I am. I miss her. I miss how close we were. Cleo was the most affectionate dog. She would give hugs and kisses. She would smile. She would love us incredibly and I challenge any person to tell me that animals don't have the capacity to love. I cannot even put into words the relationship I shared with this incredible animal and now I don't know how to go on without her.

[tanbuck]

Loci, I don't even know where to begin. Your story brought a lump to my throat. What a wonderful mommy you were and are. Cleo sounds like an exceptional dog and friend and child! I'm so sorry you're going through this especially while being pregnant. It sounds like you've had alot of changes at once in your life and I hope the very best for you. Any one of those events is stressful enough but all at once is another thing!
I know you know that time is going to help this ease a bit. Gosh, you did so much for her! If she was really bad off during those last moments, maybe she didn't realize you weren't there. She had your scent on your husband, I'm sure. It sounds like you had one of those one-of-a-kind connections with her that I'm sure physical presence isn't necessary. She was obviously a brilliant dog so I'm sure she knew your condition being pregnant. They know so much more than we realize. There's no way she would blame you. But the blame isn't coming from her, is it? It's coming from you. It's easier said than done, I know, but you have to try to ease up on yourself a little. (And believe me, I'm a big one talk as I still blame myself months later) Now isn't the time for hurting yourself. This grief will take you over whether you place extra guilt on yourself or not. I think each person on this form has blamed themselves. I guess it's part of the process. I don't know.
Anyway, I'm so sorry about your 1st baby girl. There will never be another 1st. She loved you deeply and beyond. I know you miss and ache for every little thing about her. I pray that you will be able to get some rest. Just keep breathing in deep. These waves of grief are so hard. Everyone here understands. Please let us know how you are doing.
-Donna

[Stormycloud]

Hi there Christine,

I just could not read and run - like you I have small children and recently lost my first doggy aby, Storm, who was 14. Anyway, I just wanted to say how sad your story was for your sweet Cleo, it's so terrible losing our first babies. You sure were a good Mommy to Cleo, my goodness, she could not have asked for a better home to go to! You and your husband deseve medals for all you have done with your doggy, especially with a wee one and another baby on the way! But I know that love, that wonderful love you can only get from a pet, so I can see why you did what you did.

Just wanted to say hello and let you know you are not alone, there are so many of us who are caught completely off guard when our pets pass on. Please take care and know that you did EVERYTHING possibe for your sweet doggy Cleo. I am so sad for you as I know that sorrow and sadness only too well.

Take care,

Moira

[karen - casey]

Christine,

Your love for Cleo is so evident. I am so sorry for your loss. I understand how you feel, as I am feeling the same way. It is very hard, I know. You and your husband took very good care of Cleo and did a lot more than most people would do. You gave her every opportunity in the world. She had a wonderful life and that was because of your love for her. Give yourself time to heal and take care of yourself. I know the feeling of guilt, as Donna mentioned we all feel it for one reason or another. Cleo knew how much you loved her, you have nothing to feel guilty about. She is no longer suffering and is happy and healthy once more.

Your and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Karen

[janika]

Dear Christine
I am so sorry for the loss of your darling Cleo. I know that nothing we say will take away the dreadful pain and heartache that you are feeling, but please know that many of us here on this forum understand and send our heartfelt wishes of sympathy to you and your family.
Cleo knows how much she is loved . She'll always be such a big part of you, she has helped to make you who you are, and she'll be watching over you and the rest of her family from that beautiful, safe place where all our Angels are healed and free from pain.
You have so much to look forward to, and just think about how Cleo will want you and your husband, little Isabel and your new baby to be happy. Our happiness and well being are of paramount importance to our soul mate fur babies, whether they are 'physically' here with us or in the next phase of existence. Our Angels.
It's so hard I know but try and focus on the 'Happy' and less on the distressing times that you have just been through. Each day hopefully the pain will lessen. It is so plain to see that you did everything possible to love and care for Cleo, all through her precious life.

Thinking of you and your Cleo and your family.
Love and hugs
Jan and My Angels and Pixie x

[Loci]

Wow, thank you ALL for your thoughtful words of love and support. I cried through every response that I read here. It is amazing how animals enrich our lives and it sounds like every one of you have had the fortunate experience of sharing that bond. I find the most strength in knowing that there are those out there who share my immense pain, but also know that there is the belief that our pets are still very near to us, even though we cannot see them.

My daughter, who is only 2 1/2 was very confused when Cleo passed. At first she was even quite mad at Cleo because she thought that somehow Cleo has hurt us. She didn't understand that our hurt stemmed from us missing her. Three days after her passing, Izzy said to me "Did the doctor put Cleo in heaven with God?" I said "yes, she was very sick". She said to me "Don't cry Mommy, God will give Cleo wings so she can fly." So wonderful what comes out of the mouth of babes sometimes.

In any case, I attached a picture of our beloved Cleo.

Attached image(s)

 

[Stormycloud]

Hi again!

Ha! What a cute picture! She looks like she was having a ball in the snow - maybe having a little taste of snow! Ms. Mischief trying to look innocent! My Storm LOVED the snow too, what fun we had when it snowed, which it rarely does around here, being on the West Coast and all! Anyway, what a nice picture of your little fighter.

Hope you have an okay day today, I know all that crying business only too well - and I am guessing pregnancy hormones don't help out too much on top of that....try to have a good day at least!!

Moira

[Loci]

Thanks Moira! Those dogs just LOVE snow. I swear it's like crack to them.

[ladywolf]

Hi Loci--

Let me add my condolences to everyone else's--I am so so sorry for your loss of your beloved Cleo. She looks like she was a marvelous girl, having a really good time.

I know what you mean about snow--my Ladywolf, who is dying now, is about 90% Alaskan Grey Timberwolf, 10% malamute, living in southern AZ. We do get snow here but not very often, and even this winter when she was already compromised by big tumors on one of her hind legs, she cavorted and played and made snow angels and just generally had a fine time!

You went through so much with Cleo, it does seem unfair that she died at only 9. I am so sorry for the guilt you are experiencing for not being with her, but I do understand it. Try to be gentle with yourself--you acted with the best possible motives at the time. Maybe it would have been just entirely too painful for both of you had you been there when she passed--maybe it was gentler the way it was.

It's awful, isn't it--all this newness in your life, but your thread to the past cut off like this, so young. I am, again, so very very sorry.

Big hugs from Margi and Ladywolf

[missy]

I cried while reading your post. It is so obvious how much you loved Cleo.
You did so much for her. You gave her a wonderful life. My story was similar, in that I got a kitten that was very ill and near death and we saved her with help from the ICU and hourly feedings etc. My kitty loved me more than any other cat I ever had, so I know how you feel. It is quite a loss.
Take comfort in knowing that you gave Cleo a great life! Also know that Cleo is now at peace and not suffering anymore.
(((hugs)))

[Loci]

Today has been especially hard. My first Mother's Day without my baby. Today I miss her cuddling in bed with me. I miss her kisses and the way she would wake me up in the mornings by nudging my hand. I miss her face, her beautiful eyes and the smell of her paws. I miss her soft ears and the way she would love when I rubbed them. I miss the way she would roll on her back because she wanted me to pet her tummy. I miss her howl and the fact that she would sneeze after every bark. I miss her bringing me her floatie and dropping it at my feet telling me it was time to go swimming. I miss how she used to lay by my shower every day and would leave my side just so I wouldn't leave her at home. I miss the fact that she was obsessed with rocks and loved to chase them. I miss her wet nose nudging my arm to lift up so she could get a hug. I just miss everything about her.

My husband made me a video a couple years back for Christmas: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvvkjoHnF1g I had to share it because it actually made me smile and made me realize at the same time how sick she actually was the last 4 months......she was so happy and her spirit was so alive and free. I only hope she is as happy as she was back then.

Needed to vent. It's been a rough one.

[janika]

Thinking of you this Mothers Day , Christine. I felt the same when we had our Mothers day here in Uk, back in March. The first Mothers Day without my Noushka.
I watched the video, it's marvellous, what a great memento you have of your precious Cleo. I loved watching it as it's so clear that she had the most wonderful life. What a beautiful girl ! You will be able to show it to Isabel and your new baby.

Love and Hugs

Jan and my Angels and Pixie x

[Stormycloud]

Hi Christine! Happy Mom's Day to you, hope you are enjoying it with your little one. I watched your video, how cute! I love the swimming pool shots - what a great swimmer your doggy was, geez, I would have thought she was a Labrador the way she swam so well. That was very kind of your husband to do, it was very sweet. I also love the rain coat she wore! Ha! Stormy would have gone nuts if we put something like that on him, although around here it would be great as we get so much rain!! The scenery is beautiful too, wherever you live is gorgeous and Cleo seemed to like it just fine (I know it's that crack addiction!!).

So have a good Mother's Day, so sorry your Cleo is not here to celebrate it with you.

Bye for now.

Moira

[karen - casey]

Christine,

Thank you for sharing your video. I loved it, brought a smile to my face. It is a very special gift your husband has given to you. Happy Mother's Day!

Karen

[ladywolf]

Hi Christine--

Oh, what a marvelous video!! How lucky you are to have it now, and out there for the world to see too. Cleo looks like she was one intelligent, mischievous girl! I too loved the water and snow scenes--she was so BOUNCY and happy.

I wish I had something like that put together honoring Ladywolf, but I just have still photos, and I've never been able to get the "perfect" shot that really shows who she is completely...

I'm so sorry for your feelings of loss on Mother's Day, which should be a time of celebration, but they're totally understandable. I'm feeling them too--sadness over the loss of the "real" wolf, even thought she's still alive. I'm going to a Mother's Day Tea Party at a friend's house, and I can't take Ladywolf, 'cause she can't get up from my friend's slippery floor, so she will have to stay home alone while I'm gone. Pooh! She's the only child I have...

Oh, that video is terrific!!! Try to have a Happy Mother's Day, in spite of it all.

Big hugs--Margi and the Wolf

[Loci]

Thanks so much Margi! Your words mean so much.

I am so sorry to hear about your Ladywolf. I don't know what's going on with your baby, but it sounds like she's not doing so well. I am sending many hugs and much love your way. Just hold her and love her as much as you can!!!!!!!!

Hi Christine--

Oh, what a marvelous video!! How lucky you are to have it now, and out there for the world to see too. Cleo looks like she was one intelligent, mischievous girl! I too loved the water and snow scenes--she was so BOUNCY and happy.

I wish I had something like that put together honoring Ladywolf, but I just have still photos, and I've never been able to get the "perfect" shot that really shows who she is completely...

I'm so sorry for your feelings of loss on Mother's Day, which should be a time of celebration, but they're totally understandable. I'm feeling them too--sadness over the loss of the "real" wolf, even thought she's still alive. I'm going to a Mother's Day Tea Party at a friend's house, and I can't take Ladywolf, 'cause she can't get up from my friend's slippery floor, so she will have to stay home alone while I'm gone. Pooh! She's the only child I have...

Oh, that video is terrific!!! Try to have a Happy Mother's Day, in spite of it all.

Big hugs--Margi and the Wolf

[Loci]

Thank you so much! I definitely treasure this video. Poor Cleo let us do ANYTHING to her, as she was so trusting. That was the first and last time she wore that rain coat. She hated that thing. Weird to find that rain coat when we were packing.....but it made me laugh.

Hi Christine! Happy Mom's Day to you, hope you are enjoying it with your little one. I watched your video, how cute! I love the swimming pool shots - what a great swimmer your doggy was, geez, I would have thought she was a Labrador the way she swam so well. That was very kind of your husband to do, it was very sweet. I also love the rain coat she wore! Ha! Stormy would have gone nuts if we put something like that on him, although around here it would be great as we get so much rain!! The scenery is beautiful too, wherever you live is gorgeous and Cleo seemed to like it just fine (I know it's that crack addiction!!).

So have a good Mother's Day, so sorry your Cleo is not here to celebrate it with you.

Bye for now.

Moira

[Loci]

Thanks Jan! It's weird how we used to celebrate Mother's Day WAY before we had kids, isn't it? We're just as much mother's to our animals as we are to our children.

Thinking of you this Mothers Day , Christine. I felt the same when we had our Mothers day here in Uk, back in March. The first Mothers Day without my Noushka.
I watched the video, it's marvellous, what a great memento you have of your precious Cleo. I loved watching it as it's so clear that she had the most wonderful life. What a beautiful girl ! You will be able to show it to Isabel and your new baby.

Love and Hugs

Jan and my Angels and Pixie x

[Loci]

Today I had a revelation of sorts about the immense guilt I still carry about not being there when Cleo actually passed. I did EVERYTHING to save Cleo's life. From months of taking her to the doctor, to seeing her crash several times in front of me to finally telling the doctor's to do everything that they could to save her life that night. It dawned on me that even when I saw her for the last time at 9pm, that although I knew deep inside that spending another $2,000 on the transfusion was a waste of $ because more than likely she wasn't going to make it, I had to try. I know, for a fact, that I would have NOT been strong enough to let her go and tell the doctor that it was time. My husband, who craddled her in his arms, told her what an incredible girl she was to us, told me that Cleo gave him the sign that she was ready to go. A lot of people say that. But for me, I don't think I would have seen the sign and seen passed the fact that I wanted her to come home with me. I don't think I would have been able to go through with it and for some reason, it was better that I said goodbye to her two hours earlier. As hard as it was knowing that she was looking for me as she was so attached to me, I have to be kind to myself knowing that she has to know how much I loved her and how I will ALWAYS love her.

Now I feel like my hurt is geared towards pure anger about a disease I have no idea about. Some say that the ingestion of onions and garlic can lead to IMHA. Of course, I think about all the times I let Cleo lick my plate and it had onions on it. Or the time I gave her my steak wtih a ton of garlic on it. Then I start to feel responsible that maybe I killed my child. I hate it. I hate the disease.

I just had to get that out..........................

[Tonkyboy]

Hi Loci,

I too read your post with bug tears in my eyes - Cleo's story is simular to mine but more so the guilt that I carry around (and still do!!). That plus the fact that I am going through this grief like you with a little one inside of me also!! I lost my baby boy Tonka when I was 14 weeks pregnant (I am 20 weeks now) and it has been one of the most highly emotional times I have ever experienced.

My Tonka was diagnosed with a tumor of the spleen just by the vet feeling his tummy - it was that big that no xrays were needed (about the dize of a football) and that is where my guilt comes from - I never had the tests! What if the vet was wrong? Could I have done more to save my boy? We made the decision to put him to sleep Friday morning so that he would no longer suffer. My point is, no matter what we do for our pets, we all feel guilty for some part of the process. Did we do it too soon? Did they suffer for too long? I should have been there? You know, even if you were there - you would naturally find something else to feel guilty for -unfortunately, it's all a part of the grieving process!!

I am so sorry that you lost your Cleo, he sounds so much like my Tonka that I could so relate to how you are feeling! I have to say, that is the cutest photo that you put on here!! My Tonka was a Rottweiler and even their colours were simular!!! I too felt the pain of spending my first Mother's Day without my boy in 10 years but I know that they are still around and would not want us to be upset.

Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself time to heal.... Please don't feel guilty about anything, it's the evil part of the grieving process that takes a hold on us all at some stage but please be strong enough to shake it off!! I say that and I am still trying myself

Take care and please let us know how you are going (as well as you pregnancy!!!)

Kristy