The Worst Decision I Ever Had To Make, euthanasia Options

[themostbeautiful...]

On July 31st, 2006 at about 1:00am I finally had to make the worst decision of my life. I had to finally say good-bye to my companion of almost 20 years, the most beautiful girl in the world, my feline friend, Alley. It hasn't even been a week and it seems so long in some respect. It seems like forever since I was able to hold her, it seems like forever ago that I gave her a kiss. The tears and sorrow haven't stopped and it seems unbearable. For the last two months I have been trying to get back the Alley that once was. She was diagnosed with chronic renal failure in June, but she seemed fine. Then suddenly she stopped eating, stopped drinking, stopped greeting me when I came home. All the medications began, the pills twice a day, the sub-q fluids every day, the force feeding two to three times a day. I was determined to get her back to where she had been not to long ago. Her vet started talking about when to "say good-bye". But I thought "no, I can't. She's made it through everything else, she'll make it through this too." She didn't. Sunday morning I found her in the litter box, with one of her back legs stuck over the edge, unable to move. My heart sank. Later that day I picked her up to spend some cuddle time with her (because most of our time was being spent with force feeding, and medicating) I picked her up and she growled at me, which she never does. I saw her back leg, and it was so swollen, I thought she was somehow broke it. So we rushed over to the Emergency Clinic, in the bottom of my heart I knew we weren't coming back together. To make a long story kind of short, the vet discovered her abdomen full of fluid and aspirated a large amount. I still don't know if I did the right thing, I keep thinking I should have done more, or maybe I waited too long. It broke my heart that night, but I held her while she died and I told her that mamma was sorry and that I loved her so much and she was the most beautiful girl in the world.

Thanks for letting me go on, it just hurts so much.

[5catsmom]

Hi,
I actually hadn't planned to visit this site tonight - personal reasons, argument with husband, hot weather, unexpected grief, etc, - but I'm glad I'm here now. Please understand, I'm not glad for your grief, but from experience I've learned that sometimes pain is, if not lessened, at least becomes more manageable and meaningful when we share that grief with others.

This is all academic to you now, of course, and in no way lessens the unmitigated pain you're feeling. I also lost a cat, Heidi, to renal failure in 2001 -2 weeks exactly after Sept 11 (you never forget the date). Heidi just sort of failed over time, even with all the fluids, vet visits, and care from my whole family, but she lived 9 months after diagnosis, and everyday, I knew in my heart that the end was coming. At each visit the vet would remind me that it was a chronic disease - I knew what that meant but it was too hard to accept. Every time I thought about it I wanted to cry. Thinking back now, I realize I had no idea how painful actually losing her would be. I get tears in my eyes now even thinking about it, and I haven't really dwelled on it for awhile. I know we did everything we possibly could for her, just as you did for your Alley.

It's always hard if you aren't sure you did the right thing. Personally, I believe you did. Letting an animal you love live in pain - well, it's so hard to know if your pet will get better - and you always have that hope of a miracle, any kind of miracle. But you were with her when she left, and that so rarely happens to millions and millions of animals in this country (another depressing thought, but true). I know you wonder, and you may always wonder, and there's always uncertainty, that's entirely normal and we've all been there. For me, I had made the decision to let Heidi go the following day - it was late at night when it hit me that I couldn't let her go on - and I feel blessed that she went herself that night, with me petting her and telling her to wait for me, I'd see her again one day.

You will see Alley again one day, I'm convinced. I know that there are some people who don't believe that idea, and I respect their beliefs, but I just have to believe. I think when I cross over, I'll be greeted by all the pets who have preceded me - and I know by then (hopefully) it will be long enough from now that there will be lots and lots of them, and we will all have a reunion to end all reunions.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. You will hurt, sometimes you'll think you hurt too much to function, and you won't want to ever care again, the pain is so bad. It hurts and hurts and hurts some more. There's no getting around it, and in some ways it says a lot about you - that you are able to love another soul so deeply. It's an honor and a tribute to Alley, and she will appreciate it.

Please come back and let us know how you are. So many people here have been where you are now, and one day, the clouds hanging over you will start to thin and the sun will come out. That is also a tribute to Alley - she would want that for you. My deepest sympathy for your loss - Take care - Barbara

[Furry's mum]

I know how you are feeling, but you will find support & comfort from the messages you receive here, I know I have. My Furry was only 12 years old when she had to be pts. less than 2 weeks ago & the grief is still so overwhelming at times. You had Alley for 20 years that's a fantastic long life for her, equivalent to 97 in human years.
It sounds like you did everything possible & more with her medication, fluids & feeding. But at that age something in the body just wears out & no amount of medication can help. With my Furry it was her heart, so all the pills couldn't save her in the end.
I'm sure that like me you've got lots of photo's of her so try to look at those & remember all the funny & happy times you had together.
It will take a long time to get over it, because you shared such a long time & such love together.
Thinking of you.
R.I.P. Alley

[LittleGirl's...]

Dear Alley's Mom,

My heart goes out to you in your grief.

Twenty years---wow!! And you have been an absolutely wonderful Mom.

If you can, take comfort in knowing that Alley is now in the realm where there's no distress of any kind. She's not aware of the separation from you, and it will seem like no time has passed and there you'll be---reunited. The hard part is for you, grieving.

Let us know how you are doing. Share anything you want; it helps to be in touch with others who understand.

Love,

Kathy

[Shortrish]

Dear Alley;s Mom - I am really sorry to hear about your loss, I too lost my precious Scooter only 6 years to renal failure 3 weeks ago tomorrow, To make matters worse, I lost my job today. You did a wonderful job with your baby that you had 20 years together. I can't think of a love greater than what you wrote about, or any of the love that I have read about in the other posts here. You will find many people here who will help you, I know they certainly helped me out. I continue to write, so I encourage you to do the same. I really am sorry for your loss and your pain.
Trish

[Juanita]

Dear sweet Alley's Mom,

I can barely see through my tears after reading your post. Please, please, please don't ever doubt that you made exactly the right decision for your precious girl. It takes a mountain of love and a truckload of courage to decide to euthanize a beloved pet. It goes against everything we feel and do as guardians and caregivers to our precious furbabies. That's why, even when we know we did the "right" think, it can still feel so terribly wrong.

That Alley lived a long wonderful life with you is true, but I know that doesn't help ease the pain you're feeling right now...and you can't expect it to. When we love our dear animal companions as much as everyone here does, no amount of time is ever "enough", and their lives are always too short.

I read a post the other day that spoke of being grateful that we had a bond so strong as to cause this much pain. I helped my dear 16-year-old "soul dog" Spike cross on May 23 of this year, and missing him still brings me to tears every single day. But I saw something in a greeting card just a few days after saying good-bye that I made a little prayer out of. I hope this will bring you some comfort during these dark, sad days....."Rather than mourn the absence of Spike's flame, let me rejoice that it burned so brightly for so long". However sad I was feeling over losing the love of my life, repeating this always brought me back to a place of gratitude for all the wonderful years I was lucky enough to share with him.

My thought and prayers are with you...may happy memories soon replace the sadness in your heart today.

Juanita....Loving Mom of Angel Spike

[deedee]

What you did took immense courage. You did what was best for Alley and eased her pain; it was pain that was making her act not like herself. When we adopt a pet (or are adopted by one), we make a bargain with them. We promise them a good life and a good death. You kept your covenant and, although it hurts like heck, you did it because you love her so much.

I am sorry for your loss. I had to make that tough decision two years ago because Oswald had renal failure. Although I could have kept him going a bit longer, it would have been for me, not for him. He, like Alley, was no longer himself. It was a hard decision to make, but the right one. As it was with you.

[nyna22000]

I'm so sorry for what you've gone and are going through. I hope you find the comfort and support on this site that I have. My baby ,Oscar, will be put to sleep on the 15th. It is such a hard decision for us to make, but know in our hearts it is out of love for them.
Try to celebrate the happy times, and shared love. I think the loss of our furbabies is so agonizing because their love is continual, pure, and unconditional. No matter what you say out of anger from the chewed shoe, eaten fern, dumped trash can, stolen snack ect they forgive you right away with a wagging tail, loud purr or furry snuggle. I know I gave Oscar a good life, lots of love and got more in return than can be measured, and I am positive you did the same.
Rejoice in the fact that they will wait for us, and that they will be whole with no pain, no illness, and energy for a liftime together.
My thoughts and prayers are with you . Nina

[Simba's Daddy]

Very sorry for your loss. You have found a great forum here with a bunch of new friends that understand your loss. Talk about Alley as much as you want here and let us listen.