My Heart Is Breaking Options

[lovemytanjigirl]

On Friday, I took my beloved best friend of 12 years, Tanji (aka Fluffy), to the vet. She hadn't really been eating for a few days and had been somewhat lethargic. Over the last several weeks, I had noticed that she had become even more loving then usual. She's been following me around and sitting next to me and sitting down in the middle of my mail as I was trying to organize it. By the way, Tanji is a cat.
Anyway, back to the worst experience I've had in quite some time; the vet. After examining her for about 2 minutes, he said he an unfortunately easy, yet disturbing diagnosis. She had a large tumor in her abdomen, more than likely cancerous because of her age. X-rays confirmed this, along with news that it looks as if it's spreading to her lungs. The only way to confirm if it is cancer is to perform exploratory surgery. If they determine it is at that time, then they recommend euthanization, as cancer and recovery from surgery don't really go together. He said she has 1 hour to 2 months to live. She could die anytime.
So I decided to bring her home and let her live out her days in dignity, until I am forced to do otherwise. Why didn't I spend more time with her? Why didn't I get her to the vet sooner? Why was I annoyed when she sat in the middle of my mail? I think she knew she was dying, and tried to extend herself to me to the fullest in the previous weeks. I would give anything to relive these last few weeks with her. I love her so much. She never judged me and just loved me unconditionally. How do I stay strong for her? I have been crying for 4 days.

[ccheyssial]

My cat also had a tumor in his abdomen and I tried everything to save him. The day I found out my cat had the tumor the vet asked my ex-husband if we wanted to go ahead and euthanize him while he had him anesthisized. I couldn't let him go that way. On a cold surgery table with not even having a chance to say goodbye. I tried everything, including chemo and naturopathic remedies, but he only lived another four months. I agonize over whether I did the right thing. Some of the times I had with him in those four months were the best. I still question whether I should have just let him go sooner, but I couldn't. I know that it's those who are left behind that suffer the most. I just hope I didn't put Chestnut through needless suffering. I just wanted him to live because I loved him so much. I miss him tremendously. I don't have his ashes back yet and I'm afraid of getting them because of the emotions that will come to the surface again. It is so hard losing the pets that we love. I'm crying again as I write this but I wanted to make sure to post this because I know exactly what you are going through. Enjoy your time together, it is precious.

Chestnut's mommy (Catherine)

[Furry's mum]

You still have your beloved Fluffy, so spend every minute that you possibly can with her, & keep her by you. But when she starts to hurt then don't wait till the last moment to end her pain. That's what I did with my Furry, & it would have been kinder to have done it just a day or a few hours sooner. Then she wouldn't have suffered so at the end & I would have had happier memories of her last moments.
I think you are right not to put her through all the pain & separation from you that surgery would require.
Furry was ill for 19 months before she died, but the Vet told me several times when she was bad that she wouldn't live another week. I hope & pray that your Fluffy will astound the Vets by living much longer than they have said, just as Furry did.
Judith

[ravenkiddy]

I am so sorry your Fluffy is sick. I know how hard this is. I lost my Pumpkin 2wks ago today. The vets and I did everything we could but nothing was working. So when I saw the pain in his eyes come back, I as his mommie, put my feelings aside and did what was right for him. I promised him there would be no more pain. I did something I dont regret for I know I did it out of my love for him. I have other regrets other guilty feelings. Just take the time you have with your baby and love, cherish it. I know Fluffy is going to.
Keep me updated.

Michelle

[Phinny1]

lovemytanjigirl, I'm so sorry for you and your Fluffy girl (I have a Fluffy at home too. Petite tabby). I know you'll do the right thing when the moment comes. Though it's easy to say rather than do, don't let yourself feel guilty. You have to remember animals are good at hiding when they don't feel good. It's their instinct. So unless she exhibited obvious symptoms (like not eating) you would not have known. Right now concentrate on the time you have left and keep a close eye on her pain level. When the time is right you will know.

Blessings to you and Fluffy.

Chris

[5catsmom]

When my old cat Heidi was near the end, she would come and sit on my lap in bed, something she'd never done before, and I knew she was reaching the end, so even if she was occasionally incontinent - which embarassed her so much - I just let her have that comfort and warmth. I know it sounds cliched and old, but you will know - either she will let you know, or something, someone, will give you a signal. Most of us have that unexplainable experience, so trust yourself, you know her, you know her heart by now. Let her sort your mail for you, cherish those moments, cause you'll never, ever, regret them. But you know that, anyway.

Please come back and let us know what happens with you and Tanji - what a beautiful name, by the way. You're not alone, and you and Tanji have a bond which will never end no matter what happens - I firmly believe those kinds of bonds are eternal. Take care - Barbara

[lovemytanjigirl]

Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts. Tanji is not doing so well today. I opened up 2 cans of food and offered her both, and she just looked at them and walked away. I think the time is near. I don't know what to do. I am pacing back and forth trying to get some peace. It's not working.

[ravenkiddy]

I know how painful this is for you. Peace is hard to find when you are going through this. Just give her lots of love and she will love you back. I know this is rough, we are here for you.
I am sending lots of hugs your way!!
((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

Michelle

[lovemytanjigirl]

She's leaving me. She's in the closet and no longer purrs for me. She even growled once. Oh Tanji, what am I going to do without you? You have been there for me for so long, and helped me through so much. I love you sooooooooooooo much. I know I'm going to see you again my beautiful friend.

[ravenkiddy]

I dont mean to make you upset, but I think its time to bring her to the vet, to be pts. I think she is in a lot of pain and that is the most humane thing to do, if you can do it. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Fluffy. I am sorry.

Michelle

[ravenkiddy]

I found this am thought of you.


You're giving me a special gift,
So sorrowfully endowed,
And through these last few cherished days,
Your courage makes me proud.


But really, love is knowing
When your best friend is in pain,
And understanding earthly acts
Will only be in vain.


So looking deep into your eyes,
Beyond, into your soul,
I see in you the magic, that will
Once more make me whole.


The strength that you possess,
Is why I look to you today,
To do this thing that must be done,
For it's the only way.


That strength is why I've followed you,
And chose you as my friend,
And why I've loved you all these years...
My partner 'til the end.


Please, understand just what this gift,
You're giving, means to me,
It gives me back the strength I've lost,
And all my dignity.


You take a stand on my behalf,
For that is what friends do.
And know that what you do is right,
For I believe it too.


So one last time, I breathe your scent,
And through your hand I feel,
The courage that's within you,
To now grant me this appeal.


Cut the leash that holds me here,
Dear friend, and let me run,
Once more a strong and steady dog,
My pain and struggle done.


And don't despair my passing,
For I won't be far away,
Forever here, within your heart,
And memory I'll stay.


I'll be there watching over you,
Your ever faithful friend,
And in your memories I'll run,
...a young dog once again.


In Memory of Asta, Feb. 1997
© Karen Clouston

[5catsmom]

I trust you to do the right thing - whether you take her to the vet or let her stay in the closet - cats like to be in dark quiet places when they leave, I think. For myself, I knew the trip to the vet - a 30-mile drive - would probably be so stressful for Heidi, so I was grateful that she left this world the night before I was to take her. If your vet will come to your house, that would be best, and less stressful for you both - I personally would urge you to call and find out. Meanwhile, know we are thinking of you, and she knows you are near, and you both are together till the end. Take care - Barbara

[lovemytanjigirl]

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts today. I got the poem just after I made the decision to call a mobile vet and try to have them come out here. It helped to read it. Tanji has always hated being placed in the kitty carrier. I always felt like I was stuffing her in it. She also hates going to the vet. I want this to be as stress free as possible for my little girl. I hate doing this, but I think I see some pain and discomfort. I don't want her to suffer.

[5catsmom]

Being stuffed in the carrier would also most likely cause Tanji more pain, as well. You're doing the kindest and most responsible thing you could ever do for her. Please don't second-guess yourself - it may be inevitable - but most of us have been there and can understand. Bless you both, and please let us know how you're doing, and help you through this difficult time. Take care, you and Tanji have our thoughts and prayers - Barbara

[lovemytanjigirl]

I made the appointment. They're coming at 5:00pm. My baby has a llittle over 4 hours left with me. My heart is breaking. Ihought I would feel better, but I don't. I know it's the right thing to do though, and will follow through.

[5catsmom]

Please let me extend my condolensces to you for your loss. I don't know what time it is where you are, but if you're near the East Coast, 5 PM has already passed. Your heart must be breaking, and if I could take the pain from you, or even half of it, I would in a heartbeat. You know you'll be with Tanji - I have to use that name, it's such a beautiful name - one day when it's your time, but in the meanwhile you're going to have to live through this pain. You may not believe it now, but you will make it, and whatever we can do to help you, or whatever I can do to help, please don't hesitate to ask. Please come back when you need to, to vent and reminisce and tell us about your good and bad times with your beloved companion. Her soul and spirit will always be with you, and you'll carry a part of her in your heart forever.

Again, I'm so sorry for your grief, but you've done the most loving and caring thing a pet owner (although I prefer to think I'm owned by my pets) can do. Bless you and take care - Barbara

[lovemytanjigirl]

Hi Everyone,

Well, the mobile vet came by at 5:00pm Phoenix time. It was such an overwhelming relief. Everytime I went to check on her today, she just looked at me with her beautiful expressive eyes, and wouldn't purr. I knew it was time. I have 2 sisters who are also pet lovers, and they came over to support me. When it was time, my boyfriend, the vet and I went to the closet, and the vet gave her a sedative shot to relax her. Then we went out to the living room and all talked for about 10 minutes. Then we went back to her. She was supposed to be calm and relaxed, but as she always is/was, she did not like being handled by the vet, and growled at her as she inserted the fateful IV. It was about 10 seconds later when she took her final breath at home . I then had a moment alone with her and told her again how much I love her. My sisters came in then and we all pet her body and told her how beautiful she was. I cut some of her beautiful fur off her to rememebr her physical self. Then I gathered her furry mice and rubber bands, wrapped her in a towell and gave her a final hug, and placed her in a box. My family and I then went out and had a funeral for her. We burned some sage and stood around the hole and each said something about her, and said goodbye.
The sense of relief is enormous. I don't know if it's defense mechanisms kicking in, but all of a sudden, I feel the peace I so desperately needed. I feel like she is communicating with me tonight. Telling me that I did the right thing and everything happens for a reason. I feel with great conviction that she is still here, and even though I can't feel her physically, she has moved on to a place she can finally communicate with me in a way we've never been able to after all these years. She's in my soul, and will be there forever. She will guide me. I feel this so strongly. By the way, I've always feared death until now. She is letting me know that there are things we don't understand while we're here, but will one day. I miss her body, but I feel her more than I ever did before. I'm sure the grief will come back when I wake up tomorrow morning, and she's not there, but I will get through this. Thank you all so much for your help these last few days. I don't know how I could have possibly gone through this without you all and your support. I'll be back to let you know how things are going.

Thanks again!

[Ken Albin]

Expect some good and bad days over the next months. We will be here for you.

[ravenkiddy]

I am so sorry for your loss....I wanted to replay last night but I am having some problems with my pc and I can reply when I am logged in but when I am logged in I cant see posts....
I am so sorry....I agree with Ken you should expect some good and bad days, but I feel that you are feeling at peace, because you know that your sweet is out of pain. Have you read Rainbow Bridge? After my Pumpkin passed it helped me, and when I am feeling so crappy I read it again...I think I have read it a thousand times I should know it by heart. I will post it for you....

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

I am sending you hugs !((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))

I know my Pumpkin greated your Baby yesterday with open Paws!!
Michelle

[lovemytanjigirl]

HI Everyone,

It's been a little over 22 hours since my baby left me. When it happened, I was very relieved and was so happy that she wasn't suffering anymore, and I didn't have to take her to the vet. The mobile vet was an excellent option for me, as taking her to an office just didn't seem like it would have been the best for her or myself. I felt a very strong, surreal connection with her after she left her body, and that allowed me to get through the initial trauma.

Today I feel intense loss beyond belief. I woke up as daylight started, and immediately remembered what had happened. I knew that I didn't have to get up and chase her around the the house with 3 different kinds of food trying to entice her to stay alive for me. I was able to sleep for a little while longer, but woke up an hour later. The emptiness started then. This is when I ususally get up and feed the cats and then get ready for work. If it would be on a weekend, or if I had a day off, I would go back to bed for a few hours, and Tanji would come back after eating, and join me in bed. I would started petting her and she would purr, and let her body go limp. Then I would pull her close to me she would let me pet and rub her fluffy body for awhile. These were the best times. Today, I had the day off, but relaxing in bed with her was not an option. I went out and saw our dogs. One of them is a Rhosesian Ridgeback/Shepard mix, and she has the most expressive gold eyes. She sat with me for about half an hour and looked deep into my eyes and let me hug her again and again. Even though there were lots of mockingbirds coming very close to us, she wouldn't move until I did to go back inside. This helped a great deal.
Though I'm glad I have the other animals to channel my love to, I had the most intense bond with Tanji and now that she is gone, I feel lost and alone. On a positive note, I feel her spirit here, and she is trying hard to comfort me. I miss my Tanji girl so much.