Talking To The Walls, to Miss Boo Options

[Clairecares]

I miss you my friend. I am glad it is only me in pain now. Better me than you. You were always so good to me. You deserved not to suffer. It was bad at the end & it would have been cruel to try to keep you with me. You knew I needed you & you hung on as long as you could. WHY is it so hard to do the right thing. It should hurt less if it's the right thing. There should be a lessening of gut ripping anguish if somehow you are doing right by your faithful friend of 20 years...but all your lurkingspots are still empty, your food is packed away, the litter is untrodden but I can't seem to move it just yet...your music still plays...your toys...where last they landed...your fountain still splashes...my heart...still looks for you...did I mention, old friend...I still miss you so...

[luv_my_catz]

Dear Clairecares ~ I just read your heartfelt post and wanted to let you know that I too lost a friend after nearly 20 years ~ My Amber Tabby girl ~ I so poignantly felt the words you wrote and also acutely aware of the spaces between those words and how bittersweetly they described the sense of halted time and space you feel with your dearest angel suddenly absent from the time and space of your physical world ~ I am so sorry for your loss

~ My Ambies music played for 3 months in a room that I could no longer inhabit ~ but only could visit and sit next to her pillow and feel the wind gently blowing her spirit closer in the cool March afternoons and later into the Spring evenings of April and May ~

A year has passed now ~ yet I am forever changed ~

You will also become more loving in a different and more poignant manner the memory of a paw upon the cheek and the sweet sound of a kitty snoring in the sun as the music played and safety spun a web of silver mist around the souls ~ May you be comforted and find peace in the days to come ~

Sincere Thoughts, Kathryn

[Ken Albin]

Thank you for sharing this tribute. May the grief lessen with time.

[Muffins]

Dear (((((Claire)))))

Your sweet beautiful furgirl was absolutely gorgeous.....

I am glad it is only me in pain now.

After our sweet Ernestine was put to sleep on Feb 7, 2004, (just 2 months shy of her 20th birthday), I went through ALL of the emotions that you & so many others here at LS are going through....
Nothing made any sense to me. I went through many days like a zombie...

But, one day, someone here at LS posted the following to me:

"Denise, you took on Ernestine's pain so that she could finally be without pain".

God Bless You Claire, for making that very tough decision & giving your precious girl the gift of peace!
And, I know in my heart that your baby is up at Rainbow's Bridge, and she thanks you for setting her free.
She doesn't have any more pain, she isn't sick anymore -- and, she's running free & fast through the grassy meadows, playing with all of her new friends & chasing butterflies..

I know that all of our precious furbabies have perfect bodies once again!! And, they are all HAPPY!!

Please, be as gentle with yourself as possible.
You have just gone through a very difficult loss -- and sometimes just facing a brand new day is extremely hard.

I remember that I would fill Ernie's water dish after she was gone....
Often times, it is too difficult to put their toys away -- you don't have to.
I actually slept with her two favorite Beanie Babies for a few months. They smelled like her, and it was comforting to me.

After Ernestine was gone, I was adamant that I WOULD NEVER get another furbaby again.....
I couldn't imagine loving like that again, only to one day have to say goodbye. But, that's what life is all about ---- Having an OPEN HEART & ALLOWING MYSELF TO LOVE AGAIN !

My husband and I realized that we had sooooooo much love to give another furbaby, and in doing so, we would be honoring the life of our sweet Ernie-Bird.

After the silence in our house became so deafening, we went to a shelter and rescued two beautiful, sweet furkids -- Ms. Lucy & Mr. Yoster , age 9 & 10 respectively.
I KNOW THAT ERNESTINE HAD HER BEAUTIFUL DOUBLE PAW IN ALL OF THIS.

I promise you that this pain will start hurting less....in time.
Please know that your precious girl IS ALWAYS WITH YOU --- right inside your heart!! And, a love as strong as the two of you shared -- that will never die!!!

Let your tears fall, as they are healing tears. And, come here to LS and post -- it really helped me to write everything that I was feeling - and, it was very beneficial for me to read a lot of other people's stories --- I needed to see how others were "getting through this".

Wishing you much peace, comfort & love,

Denise xo

[Clairecares]

Thank you all so much for your kindness...it means more than I can say. I am still very,very sad. Hollow inside. If I find myself grieving too much & getting sucked in to a bad place, I make myself think about something else. I am forcing myself to move along forward. Keeping busy. Etc.

I wish we would have found that tumor sooner. I wanted to get an ultrasound done 18 months ago, & the vet said it wasn't needed, I allowed myself to be talked out of that "cats are so small, we can palpate anything, we don't need to ultrasound". This is a good vet, a younger vet than the senior partner who took care of her also. In NO WAY did this younger vet want to kill my cat. The whole vet clinic is an awesome place. They are very competent & they totally mean well. It was an oversight. A very, very bad one.

But that discussion w/the ultrasound was over a year ago. I am torturing myself now, if I had just insisted, you know, "what if, what if, what if..."

There is medication that cats are on for these tumors (when caught in the earlier stages), which is not terrible, & which may have bought us more time together. I know this is postponing the inevitable, & I also know that by the time we got to the clinic on 3/22, she was done, past saving, & anything other than letting her go it would have been cruel.

Would I still have her today if I had just been a little more assertive...? But that is agony, really not productive.

Heard something really good on the radio Fri nite, this person was talking about pet loss in general, she said: "You are doing her (your deceased pet) a dis service by not opening your heart to another animal." I learned a lot from taking care of her & am set up for a senior/ill/TLC type cat. I went to a couple of rescue organizations & gave my name. I explained the situation & that I wanted to help an older kitty. There is much demand for kittens & cuteness, but I actually like the older, calmer kitties, & I am good with special needs. But it has to be the right one. NOT a replacement. There is no replacement.

I looked at some rescue kitties, but could not muster the energy to pick any of them up. If they had purred or acted in the least bit nice, I think I would have started bawling right there in the store, & that will never do...

That's the best I can do for now.
Please keep writing. You are all I have, you're keeping me going. Bless you all~C