Hello,
Thank you for letting me join your forum.

I lost my dog, Lulu, on February 11, 2017. She was the most adorable 5.5lb 11 year old Yorkshire Terrier and she was my life. She had been having some issues with coughing from a collapsed trachea and kidney issues and had been misdiagnosed with congestive heart failure for about a month until I took her to a new vet. She also had a bout with hemorrhagic gastroenteritis on the day after Christmas 2016 but was hospitalized and recovered very well from that. All in all, her collapsed trachea and her kidney disease were being managed successfully and she had just had an echocardiagram on February 6, 2017 in which the specialist ruled out heart disease as a cause for her cough. He did recommend we restart her on Enalapril to ward off any congestive heart failure for the future. We had a narcotic cough suppressant on order for her coughing. So after months of back and forth to different vets and resolving and/or managing her issues, we had hope that she was on the right medical path and she was happy and eating well. She was doing some coughting but that would be resolved when we got the new medication.

We went to bed on the night of February 10, 2017 and Lulu was shaking a bit and breathing a little heavy but this was not unusual because she would get scared of the weather or outside noise frequently. When we got in bed she settled down and we went to sleep. When I woke up the next morning she had passed away in her sleep. The vets think it was some fatal arrythmia or a blood clot because of how fast she passed. She looked so peaceful and there was no indication that she struggled in any way. The vets assured me after a very stressful time that it was nothing that I did or didn't do and even if I had witnessed whatever happened to her, I would not have been able to save her.

I am completely devastated and crying as I write this. Lulu was the love of my life and my first dog. She was never alone because when I went to work my Mom watched her. She was like a human to us and a big part of our family. Every day I woke up to her little face it made me smile and grateful to have her in my life. I was always kissing her and telling her I loved her throughout the day. She was everything to me and now I feel so lonely and lost without her. I keep remembering her wherever I go and even though I am trying to keep busy with work and other routine things, not a minute of my waking day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her. I also wonder why this had to happen when we just got her medical care under control and all indications were that she would be with us for some time yet.

I am really not sure how to cope with this loss and the grief books that I have read have not really helped. As the days go by, my grief seems to be getting worse. If you have any advice for me I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks,
Colleen (Lulusmom)

I'm am so sorry you are going through this. I know to well how much this hurts. I lost both my dogs in less than a year. I totally understand how your heart is feeling. This takes a lot of time to process. Let yourself cry and grieve. I spent many days sobbing for hours. I went to a counselor for help. I did everything she asked me to do. I posted Buck and Bobbies pics all over the Internet. I did a memorial box with Bucks pictures toys and ashes. I sleep with Bobbies little coat and Bucks favorite toy. I wrote each a letter. It's been a over a year for Buck and I still fall apart. Please be patient with yourself. This is a traumatic event in your life. I do know of a group called Rainbow Bridge. They have a candle lighting ceremony every Monday night for everyone around the world who lost their animal. I do this every Monday night and it has given me a lot of comfort and healing.
My heart breaks for you. I'm here for you. If you need someone to talk to please don't hesitate to ask. This is a very ruff time. It took at least 3 months before I wouldn't cry every day. Your in my thoughts. I hurt because I know you are hurting.
Jud

Hi Colleen,
I'm so sorry to hear about your Lulu. It is very difficult to lose our fur babies as you said they are like humans our babies. It will take time to grieve. I had a similar situation where I took my Pepper to the vet and even though she had some issues we were walking out when she collapsed at the vet and passed away. It is always difficult to lose our babies. You did everything right seeking help when she needed it and giving her lots of love, hugs and kisses. Lulu knew how much she was loved. Cherish the wonderful time you had together. It will take time to grieve and you will think of her often and cry. It's a devastasting loss and not everyone will understand it. My advice would be to give yourself some time. as Jud said a memorial book is nice, you can sometimes buy these at places like Michaels. I slept with one of Peppers stuffed toys for awhile as well.
Please take care.

Hi, Colleen, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Lulu. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion unexpectedly intensifies the grief.

Colleen, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. Unfortunately there is no easy way to navigate this grief adjustment journey. There are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. Instead, it is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and trying to reconcile all the whys, what ifs and if onlys that haunt and torture our hearts at a time when we are so emotionally vulnerable.

The good news in the midst of all this grief is that love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Lulu's sweet Living Spirit continues to be a part of your heart and memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Lulu with us, Colleen. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of her with us - - but only if / when you want to. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, and that you are in my thoughts and prayers. And please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you, Jud, Trulie and Moonbeam. It is so nice of you to take the time to read my post and reply with your kind words. I am going to try to take things one day at a time like you suggested. I sleep with Lulu's favorite blanket now and I find it comforting. Moonbeam, you are right that the "first" time for things without Lulu is so hard. I even look at the dates I completed projects at work and think "that was before Lulu passed away" or "that was after Lulu passed away".

I will definitely keep you posted on how things are doing and post a picture of my little girl next time I am here in a day or two.

Thanks again. Your support and understanding mean the world to me.

Hi everyone,
I am still struggling with so much grief a month after Lulu's passing. I still think of her every minute of the day that I am awake and miss her so much it hurts.

The other night when I was feeling incredibly sad, I asked for a sign that Lulu was ok. Then that night I had a dream that I couldn't find her and was running through my house calling her name. I looked under the bed and saw her laying on the floor on the other side of the bed looking at me. I went over to her and pet her and she rolled on her back for a belly rub. At that moment, I suddenly woke up and there was this very bright star shining into my window. I got out of bed to look at it and I noticed there were smaller stars twinkling on and off around it. Jud said that is the "dog star" that I saw. I even made my husband get up and see it to so I knew I wasn't imagining it. When I got back in bed, I felt pressure on my leg where Lulu would have been sleeping by me.

The grief is still really bad but I wouldn't trade one minute of the years I spent with Lulu for anything. I miss her so much though that it is overwhelming to me at times.

Thanks for listening. I am attaching a photo so you can see my special little girl.

Hi, Colleen, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing this wonderful picture of your beloved Lulu with us. It is obvious from the expression on her face and in her eyes that she knows she is loved.

Some people find dreams or "visits" from their beloved companions upsetting, but I'm glad you were not. Our beloved companions do find a way to let us know their sweet Living Spirit is still with us - - for they are forever in our hearts and memories - - they are forever a heartbeat close to us.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are experiencing is very normal deep grief. Unfortunately this grief adjustment journey does not reconcile in a day, a week, a month - - but rather it is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time. But there will eventually come a time when you will be able to think of your beloved Lulu and find yourself smiling and your heart will fill with the warmth of your many treasured memories you and your beloved Lulu share - - and know that your beloved Lulu's sweet Living Spirit is continuing to share your earthly journey just as she did during her earthly journey with you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Colleen, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Lulu's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you, Moon beam. I hope you have a nice day too. I will definitely be back in a few days.

Tomorrow it will be 5 weeks since Lulu has passed away. I still think of her constantly but feel like it has been such a long time since I've seen her. I still get very sad and emotional but now also feel anxiety because I am afraid I am going to forget her somehow. It is like I feel better when I am crying because I am remembering her time with me and start to panic when I am not crying because I feel like I am forgetting her. I just miss her so much.

Hi, Colleen, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal when you share with us " I still get very sad and emotional but now also feel anxiety because I am afraid I am going to forget her somehow. It is like I feel better when I am crying because I am remembering her time with me and start to panic when I am not crying because I feel like I am forgetting her. I just miss her so much."

I can honestly tell you that you will NEVER forget your beloved Lulu. It is impossible to forget her because the love bond you and your beloved Lulu share is eternal, and NOTHING in heaven or on earth can ever break this bond. As a senior citizen I can tell you from first hand experience with my beloved companions who joined the angels when I was a very young girl and in my early adult years that even 50 years from now you will still remember your beloved Lulu, and your memories of her will still be as fresh as they were when your beloved Lulu was by your side during her physical earthly journey with you. So please don't be afraid that you will ever forget your beloved Lulu - - it is impossible.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Colleen, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Lulu's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Lulu's Mom:

Thank you for the nice note you left me about missing my "trio" of beloved cats. I totally get the fear of forgetting - after each of my cats died I was terrified of this. So much so that when Pumpkin died (she died at the Vet Emergency room), I completely lost it in fear and panic of forgetting and started making a list right in freezing cold vet emergency room parking lot of things I did not want to forget (markings, habits, events).

What the moderator lady wrote is true - you don't forget the important stuff. However, if you are like me, comfort (and calming or at least managing the fear/panic that I would forget the small precious details) came only with gathering up all my pictures and writing things down. This book helped me a lot -- "My Pet Remembrance Journal" by Enid Traisman. It will give you prompts to record memories, events, favorites toys or games, cute or endearing habits of LuLu that you don't want to forget, etc. Writing it for me involved a lot of tears, but I am relieved that it is all written down.

I know how you feel. I hope it gets better for you soon. My husband said a funny but true thing when Henry (the first one died) - he said he thought while Henry would be honored that I mourned him so deeply, he would be sad to know I felt so much hurt and sadness. I believe that is true since Henry in particular was very in tune with my moods. (if I came home sad from a bad day, he would stick to me like a burr. When I was stuck home in bed with pneumonia for a month, he would leave the bed to eat or use the litter box only if he thought I was asleep. Etc.). So, for them, I try to be happy.

Feel better.

Thank you moon beam and Baby Henry. It was so nice of you to write such kind words to me. I appreciate it very much. I have been looking through pictures off and on this weekend of Lulu and reminiscing about our many happy times. It brought both smiles and tears. I am also struggling with her very unexpected passing. I thought I had resolved those feelings of uncertainty as to why she passed with no real warning, since she was doing so well with her kidney issues. She had many tests the week before she passed and they were all good. I can't seem to come to terms with going to bed and waking up and she was gone.

I think your husband is right, BabyHenry that Henry wouldn't want you to be sad. I am going to check out the book you mentioned--thanks for mentioning it.

Moon beam, thank you for your continuous support--I appreciate it so much.

Hi, Colleen, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share with us "I am also struggling with her very unexpected passing. I thought I had resolved those feelings of uncertainty as to why she passed with no real warning, . . . " This grief journey is not reconciled in an hour, a day, a week, a month - - but rather one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. When we experience an unexpected loss this can intensify the grief which compounds the grief adjustment journey. One of the many important things you need to remember is that we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us - - your are not alone in your grief adjustment journey.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Colleen, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Lulu's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

It has now been six weeks since Lulu's passing. I miss her so much and think about her constantly. I get up each day and go to work and do my daily routine but things just aren't the same. I feel intense sadness all the time.

Lulusmom

Hi, Colleen, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief. Indeed, during the deep grief we continue on with our daily routines - - jobs get done, chores are done, meals are prepared and eaten, but nothing is the same because we are functioning on what I call "automatic pilot" - - everything that used to interest us, make us laugh, etc., seems no longer relevant because we are missing a vital member of our family who made everything we do enjoyable -- and now that joy is no longer physically with us. We are now faced with the incredible challenge of reinventing our lives to a "new normal" that is always painfully aware that your beloved Lulu is no longer physically with you.

I promise you, Colleen, it will not always be this way, but for now you need to take one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, and allow yourself the opportunites to openly grieve for your beloved Lulu - - even if you must find a private place away from other people to do so.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Colleen, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Lulu's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you moon beam. Your words are always so comforting.