Our poor baby was gone from us too soon. Last Saturday, we lost our Almond. I'm still in disbelief. I feel so devastated. That day, it felt like everything was against us. A late diagnosis despite being in and out of the clinic since Tuesday, no access for a blood transfusion, and me already being just outside the clinic when I heard the terrible news. Almond was our first dog, who was only just over a year old. Perhaps that's what makes it all the more painful. I feel responsible like I didn't take care of him enough, that maybe if we had access to better medical care he would be okay. I try not to think of the "what ifs" or the "maybe". But it's still there- the guilt and the blame just in the back of my mind. I know it's no use thinking about it, that we had no idea it would be this way, but all this negativity still finds a way to drown me.
Every moment still breaks my heart. Especially when I realize he really isn't here anymore. Like when I see the scratches on the door when he tried to reach the doorknob, the corner of the table he chewed on as a teething pup, the special collar with a bow tie he was supposed to wear for Christmas or no longer needing the small gate in the hallway or to hide my shoes. The house feels so empty. So quiet. I'm trying to accept that he really is gone and that he's in a better place happy and no longer in pain. I've made a memorial page to help cope with the loss but there are still moments that I miss him terribly especially when I remember favorite moments like him chasing my feet under the blanket, his silly little walk and wagging tail, curling up into a ball to sleep, showing his belly the moment I start petting him. Our sweet little Almond, I was hoping for more time together. More playing, lovely walks, games of fetch and chase. I know when the time comes we'll see you again and we can play and walk on the lush green grass, sleep while the gentle winds sing a lullaby and never be separated again. You will always be in our hearts, little one. Rest well and until we meet again.

Thea, I can't respond tonight but will tomorrow! Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you tonight!!

Kathy

Thank you so much Kathy for the the thoughts. It's only been 2 days and the shock, disbelief and pain is still quite fresh. We've been trying to keep ourselves busy but there are still moments when the sadness creeps in. I appreciate all the support we've received from friends, family and this forum. It's helping me cope with the loss and grieve openly for our sweet little Almond.

An episode of guilt washed over me today. Like if we had found a donor dog sooner for a blood transfusion would he still be here? If we had known from the start it was leptospirosis? If we had realized even updated shots don't prevent all strains? The poor thing, was he suffering and in so much pain? Why didn't I spend more time with him? Why didn't I get to the clinic sooner that day? So many thoughts, so much guilt. I miss him so much and seeing all the emptiness is devastating. We had to throw away all his toys and blankets since what he had is contagious. He always like blankets and towels. There was a yellow and a pink one he really liked. He would carry it in his mouth all day and bring it everywhere. Remembering brings a smile to my face but at the same time a deep sadness.

Thea,

I am SO very sorry about the physical loss of your precious Almond ! There is nothing like this raw, excruciating grief. It is absolutely heartbreaking.

Your story reminds me so much of how I felt when I lost my kitty, Mariah, several years ago. She was only 3 years old, had a serious, painful condition (pancreatitis) and I felt I didn't get her medical treatment soon enough! And they did transfusions, etc., etc., but couldn't save her! I thought back over all the things I felt I had done wrong! I berated myself for scolding her for playing with my silk birds that I had up on the curtain rod and other places. I thought the grief and guilt would consume me. I would do anything to have her back. I know that you know the feeling.

Please keep in mind that guilt is an automatic part of grief and it has not due to anything that you did wrong. Almond does not want you feeling an ounce of guilt. You have been a wonderful Mom. There are ALWAYS so many things we think back on and wish we had done differently. But please remember that it's humanly impossible for us to be as perfect as we think we "should" be. And Almond knows this! He wants you to be gentle on yourself.

He is just fine, and in bliss, in the realm he's in and you'll be fully reunited when it is your time. And, his blissful spirit is around you now. But I know you yearn to have his sweet physical form there!!!

Some of the things that helped me:
--I was in a women's support group and I chose this as my issue to work through. I had an excellent facilitator who helped me to understand, for instance, that regarding the silk-bird incident, Mariah didn't hold any grudges! She was probably rather amused with herself that she "snuck" a bird or 2 off the curtain rod, only to be caught. When she realized I felt guilty about it, she told me to not give it another thought, that it was minor!

--Regarding not spending what I felt was enough time with Mariah, a friend reminded me that humans' lives are far more complex than pets' lives are. We do have lots of things we have to attend to---running a household, earning money (to take care of our pets ), and even taking time just for ourselves. That's normal.

--I wrote letters to Mariah expressing what I wanted to tell her. Then I wrote responses "from her" and when I read them, I "got it" that she was telling me only good things. I found this comforting.

--I wondered if maybe 3 years was supposed to be "her time."

--A friend remarked, about another kitty I lost: "God gave Dolly to you because there was no one better suited to be her Mom." The same is true of Mariah. And, the same is true regarding you and Almond!

Someone from this site wrote a poem and this is an excerpt.

Oh Mommie in the end as always
Nothing that you did was wrong.
No matter where I was I felt it,
Your love for me was oh so strong.

Oh Mommie, Mommie please don't worry
For there is nothing to forgive.
A life of peace and joy and gladness
Is what I want for you to live.

One day, possibly sooner than later, Almond may guide you to some needy dog who needs you.  I am sure Almond will feel honored that you are helping and loving another precious soul in need.

Please check in when you get a chance! Thinking of you and sending prayers!

If and when you feel up to it, would you share your memorial page and / or a picture of Almond? I would love to see.

Kathy

Hi Kathy,

Thank you so much for the kind words, support and prayers and for sharing your story about Mariah.

I've been feeling a lot better though there are still moments of sadness, I've realized it's better to remember the happy times and I know Almond would want that too. I really hope that each day, the moments of guilt and sadness will fade bit by bit and be replaced by smiles remembering him as his happy little self. He was a mischievous little pup who always got into some trouble but I wouldn't have him any way.

You know Kathy, I saw a rainbow yesterday. I just knew it was a sign from him especially when my mom told me about the Rainbow Bridge. I was about to get in our car when I saw a multitude of colors on the driver's seat. When I sat down I bathed in its warm light. Almond loved car rides (even to the vet!) and I wish I had let him sit at the front more often.

Thank you for sharing the things that have helped you with the physical loss of your Mariah. My friends have been very supportive and patient throughout my grieving process and have even posted short messages and lit "candles" for Almond on his page which I will share below. Editing his page and organizing his photos has been a great way for me to cope. I've also written notes to him but I never thought about writing replies. Thank you so much for this. I will try it soon

I also read a quote somewhere from a 4-year old boy on why dogs don't live as long as people and I think he's quite right:

“People are born so that they learn how to live a good life – like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right? Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”

Thank you as well for sharing your friend's remark about your Dolly. I quite agree - all we want is for our furbabies to live a good happy life and we do everything we can for them to have that.

Finally, thank you for sharing the poem. It felt like Almond was the one telling me this and that I should find happiness again. I've also realized that life is a balance - that I wouldn't have felt all the happiness I had spending time with Almond if I wasn't feeling the sadness of his loss.

Kathy, I'm really thankful for your kind reply and support. It has helped me greatly on dealing with this pain and I'm grateful for the stories and words you've shared with me today. I'm sure Mariah and Dolly are watching over you with a smile.

Hi Thea.

So very sorry for your loss. I have three beagles so I know what they're all about. They are one of the most lovable dogs there is - I think. I've lost a few dogs over the years, so like everyone else here I can relate to what you're feeling.

It's hard enough losing them when they're old, but to lose them before their time is just unbearable. This is a great place to grieve. I've been coming here since I lost my Hunny back in 2009. Everyone is so good.

It'll take time to heal and I know there is really nothing that can be said to make the pain go away right now. You have a great circle of friends to help.

Sorry for your loss. He was (is) definitely a real cutie.

Take care.

Lynette.

Hi again Kathy,

Here is Almond's memorial page:

http://almond.pets-memories.com/

I've also decided to share some of my favorite photos. I'm still organizing them and it makes me smile seeing them all. It was like watching him grow all over again. This process has helped me remember the happier moments.

It was always quite difficult to take his picture unless he was sleeping. He would move around so much that many of his photos are blurry. I had so much fun trying to get that perfect shot and I hope he did too.

Hi Lynette

Thank you so much for the kind words and support.

I agree beagles and dogs in general are just full of love and even when they're gone physically, you can still feel their love embracing you.

It is unbearable it was like it's only now sinking in that he's gone. Yes everyone here is so nice. Before I became validated I was reading some of the other posts and replies and I could feel the warmth in their words.

I'm so sorry about your Hunny. I'm sure the good people here have shared words of kindness and support to you as well.

Thank you Lynette for sharing. I'm feeling a lot better and though there are still moments of pain and sadness everyone here has been so nice and I really am grateful.

This place has been a great outlet for my grief. And though I can't see anyone, I feel the empathy right here on my screen. <3

Hi, Thea, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Almond. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their physical presence.

Thea, like our forum friends Kathy and Lynette, I also know the pain and sorrow of losing beloved companions - - some at very tender ages such as your beloved Almond and some who lived to reach their "senior golden years" with age and multiplying medical disablities finally taking their toll. It doesn't matter how long we are blessed with their physical presence for the grief journey is uniquely painful because each individual relationship we have with each of our companions is a uniquely individual blessing. And it doesn't matter if it's our first experience with loss or our thousandth - - each grief journey is the same enduring the many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride.

I am truly so very, very sorry you have had to get rid of your beloved Almond's toys, blankets, etc.. Because Leptospirosis is a highly contagic illness it is best that you do what you need to do to prevent infection as well.

Thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Almond's memorial page and wonderful pictures with us. There is no doubt from the expression on his face and in his eyes that he knows he is loved. In the midst of your deepest grief as you now adjust to his physical absence, there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved Almond share. Love is eternal, Thea - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Almond's sweet Living Spirit is always a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all to well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you again so very much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Almond with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi moon_beam,

Thank you so much for the kind words, thoughts, prayers and support. It has been a painful experience and I'm glad to find this place with so much kindness, comfort and support.

I miss him the most in the mornings, when the house is just so quiet and I realize I'll no longer see him sleeping curled up in his bed, hear his paws tapping on the floor, feel his wet nose trying to wake me to be let outside. It hurts me to know I no longer have to do certain things like hide my shoes, close the bathroom door (he loved to steal the toilet paper), keep paper bags since he loved to play with them more than any toy, or have a small gate in the hallway so he wouldn't go to the other rooms. I've enjoyed the moments I've spent with him and I'll keep each one in my heart.

You're right moon_beam it is a horror roller coaster ride. Some moments I smile thinking of our happy memories then the next i just want to break down and cry. Hopefully one day I can get off this ride and just remember him with a smile. Whenever I get really sad I just remember the moment when I saw a rainbow. It helps me feel better thinking it was him sending out all the warmth and the colors through the window of our car that day.

It was a difficult day when he passed because within a few a hours we already had to throw out his things because of his illness. It was something I wasn't totally ready for and I was devastated because I couldn't even pet him one last time. I did however save the bow tie he was supposed to wear for Christmas since he didn't wear it the time he was sick. Perhaps I'll leave it by his urn. That is another moment I dread. We decided to have him cremated and I might just break down when we go pick him up.

I'm glad to share his pictures and page. It helps me cope with the loss and everyone has been so nice. I plan to print out some of his pictures to put in an album and leave it by his urn as well. We miss him terribly but we are also happy to have had him in our lives, no matter how short we were on time. I just hope that he was as happy with us and felt all our love and that he's happy and no longer in pain wherever he is.

Thank you so much moon_beam for sharing your words of comfort, support, encouragement and hope as well as for all the thoughts and prayers. It has been a difficult time and you, Kathy and Lynette have helped me so much with dealing with the loss of our Almond.

Hi Thea,

I have just caught up on your, Lynnette's, and moon_beam's posts, as well as Almond's pictures---he is SO handsome, cute, and precious!!! . How proud he is that you were (and are!) his Mommy. I haven't been to his memorial page just yet but I will tomorrow!

Lynnette's and moon_beam's posts were heartwarming and full of wisdom. I am glad that you are feeling the empathy from everyone here on this page. And that you have good support from the people in your life! Will comment more tomorrow---about the rainbow and everything.

Prayers to you tonight!

Kathy

Hi, Thea, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Unfortunately there is no easy way to navigate this grief adjustment journey. There are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time because you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that in include this time yesterday, last week, last month, etc., to endure.

One of the many first withouts is getting your beloved Almond's ashes back. This can be a two sided coin - - the one side it will be a relief to have him back home with you where he belongs - - yet the other side is yet another painful reminder he is no longer in the physical form that your heart and arms long for him to be. Having his pictures placed with his urn sounds like a wonderful memorial. Like many of our forum correspondents I have found making a memorial album of my beloved companions very helpful in focusing on their life.

When our companions come into our hearts and home our lives are changed for the better. When they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again faced with the incredibly painful task of having to re-invent our routines that no longer include their physical needs - - meals prepared, walks, play time, cuddles, etc.. Especially during the deep grief it can feel like every moment of every hour of every day is a painful reminder of what we no longer need to do. But I promise you, Thea, that it will not always be this way. One day very likely when you least expect it you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and your heart will fill with the warmth of your many wonderful memories you share with your beloved Almond. Does this mean you will never again feel sadness of missing his sweet precious physical presence? No - - for your heart and arms will always miss holding your beloved Almond - - but the moments of sadness will not be as intense as they are now.

But even though our companions are no longer with us in their physical form, they still find ways to communicate with us and let us know their sweet Living Spirits are still close to us. You have already experienced one of the ways your beloved Almond has comforted you in letting you know he is well and happy by sharing the rainbow with you. Don't be surprised if sometimes you hear the click of his nails on the floor or think you see him out of the corner of your eye, etc.. There are times when I still hear the jingle of collar tags, and feel the "thump" on the bed of one of my beloved companions - - and it isn't my precious feline companion Noah who is still with me. Please let me try to reassure you that if you do experience one or more such "phenomenon" you are NOT going crazy - - it is your beloved Almond letting you know he is still with you.

Thank you again so very much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Almond with us. I hope today is treating you kindly, Thea, and that you will have peaceful evenings blessed with your beloved Almond's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
mopn_beam

Hi Thea,

Thanks for sharing how you are doing, and the special things Almond would do. And about the rainbow! I hadn't seen one in maybe a year, and … I saw one today! It didn't even occur to me until now, but I think it too much of a “coincidence” that you had seen one from Almond yesterday and now I have seen one. (And as rare as they are to see.... When I lost my beloved Little Girl in 2004, I had huge rainbow signs!). I now think the one I saw was sort of echoing the feelings you had when you saw yours. It was a sign of comfort from all our beloved pets who have passed on.

Very glad to hear that you have good support at home and with friends. That's so valuable. We all need that at a time like this!

This is such wisdom, what you said: “I've also realized that life is a balance - that I wouldn't have felt all the happiness I had spending time with Almond if I wasn't feeling the sadness of his loss.” 

Really glad to hear that organizing Almond's photos (as Lynette said, what a cutie!) and editing his page is helping you, and that you are able to smile thinking of happy moments. What an awesome page you put together!!! Wow. And that is quite a gallery of photographs---I can't decide which is my favorite. Him in his striped sweater maybe? They are all outstanding. Would also love to see a picture of your memorial with the urn and the bow tie, etc., when that happens.

I had tears in my eyes reading moon_beam's last post---her heartfelt wisdom is so wonderfully reassuring and true.

Keep in touch,

Kathy

Hi Lynette

I just wanted to say thank you for leaving a message and candle on Almond's memorial page. I really do appreciate it. I feel glad to have so much support in this difficult time.

Hi Thea.

You're welcome (about the candle). I finally went there that same day and set up a memorial page for George who we lost two years ago. I already have for Hunny and Lily, but just hadn't gotten around to doing one for George. God, I miss my angels. The pain comes and goes even now after all this time. I will miss them till the day I day. I guess it doesn't help that I have all these rescue shelters on my Facebook. All the sad stories that keep getting posted day after day. I guess I'm a sucker for punishment.

Anyway, I hope today is finding you better.

Take care.

Lynette.

Hi moon_beam,

Thank you so much for the kind words of support. I'm so glad to have found this forum where everyone has welcomed me with open arms and warmth especially during this difficult time. I'm still adjusting to the absence, though there are times based on habit I guess when I still think that Almond is still here. Like when the house is more quiet I just suddenly think "Oh, he's sleeping or he's in the garden" or I would suddenly wake up at 6 or 7 am since that was the time he would tap me awake to be let out.

moon_beam, we brought him home today. It was quite an emotional journey back. I found it bittersweet. You were right to say that it is a two sided coin. I'm glad to have brought him home though I never thought it would be this way. I put his urn in the passenger seat hoping from above he could enjoy the car ride home. He always enjoyed car rides and even during the time he was sick he climbed up to the front seat to enjoy the view. During his last trip before he was confined at the clinic, I opened the window a bit so he could also enjoy the sounds and smells from the outside. I'm just sad I didn't let him sit in the front as much as he liked.

For now I decided to put his urn on the shelf where I used to keep his things. They even gave me a plaster cast of his paw print and a lock of fur. I also placed some of his things like his harness, his bow tie and tag, his striped sweater and a photo. We were even able to save a couple of blankets since he didn't use them the time he was sick so it was all right to keep. I plan to put them in the shelf below along with a photo album. I'll try to upload a photo of it soon

Thank you moon_beam, I really hope that one day when I remember the time I spent with our baby Almond, there will be no more tears but just smiles for all the fun we had and all the love I felt. Right now I still think I hear him like the little sound he makes when he yawns or the taps on the floor, or see him strolling in the garden in the corner of my eye. Once I even heard a small tap on the door and a sniff! Perhaps it really is him sending a message of comfort. I really hope so and not just my imagination. I miss the little guy so much.

Thank you again for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers and I hope today is treating you kindly as well moon_beam.

Best wishes,

Thea

Hi Kathy,

Thank you so much for leaving a message and a candle on Almond's memorial page. I really do appreciate it. Yes Lynette's, moon_beam's and your messages have really helped me deal with dear Almond's physical loss. I'm glad to have been welcomed here with so much warmth and support especially through this difficult time. I still have moments when I just want to cry but now they are less intense and I just focus on the happier times I spent with him

How nice that you've also seen a rainbow! I agree it must be a sign of comfort from our beloved pets. They want us to know that they're happy and for us to be happy too. I'm so sorry about your Little Girl, you must have felt how I'm feeling too. I'm sure she's watching over you and reassuring you that she's happy and not in pain, and that one day you'll meet again.

Yes, I'm glad to have such supportive people around me, not just from friends and family but also from this forum. I wouldn't know what to do or how to handle the loss if I couldn't grieve openly and I'm thankful for all your messages.

Well Kathy I felt that all the more when we brought home Almond in his urn. It was such an emotional roller coaster - I was happy I can finally bring him home but I was also sad that I had to bring him home in this state instead of his physical self. I've organized it a bit like putting the urn on my shelf with some of his things like the bow tie, his striped sweater (we actually bought this for Halloween but it was a bit too snug so he didn't wear it too long), the tag from his collar and his harness. When we picked up the urn, we also received a cast of his paw print and a bit of fur which I thought was a nice addition. I felt somehow closer to him despite the physical absence.

Thanks again Kathy for visiting his page. We loved taking pictures of him. It was almost like a game since he was such a wiggly pup Most of his photos are actually either blurry or him sleeping I'm glad that even my friends whom I haven't talked to in a while and never met Almond, also left messages and lit candles. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by all this kindness, comfort and support.

Best wishes,
Thea

Hi Lynette,

Thank you again. I'm so sorry for the loss of your George, Hunny and Lily. If it's all right, would you like to share their pages? It would be nice to visit and light candles for them as well. I know how you feel Lynette. I'm starting to feel a bit better but there are just moments when I miss Almond terribly. And even after countless years we'd still feel the loss of their physical self but I'm sure they're watching over us and want us to know that they're happy and no longer in pain. And when the time comes, we'll get to see them again.

Wishing you all the best,
Thea

Hi, Thea, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm so very glad to share your news that you are being able to save some of his belongings that were not affected by his illness. I know from first hand experience how special this is. I still have items from beloved companions who have been with the angels for many years in a memory storage box. I will look forward to seeing the photo of your beloved Almond's memorial whenever you are able to share it with us.

Even now in my very senior years I can still sometimes feel a mist come to my eyes even while I'm smiling when I think of my beloved companions who have been with the angels for many decades. There is a saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" - - and this is certainly true when it applies being physically separated from our beloved companions.

Thea, like our forum friends Kathy and Lynette, I am also glad you have the comforting support of others who are with you. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us - - there are no "expiration dates" for sharing with us what is in your heart.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Thea, and that you will have peaceful evenings blessed with your beloved Almond's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
mopn_beam