Hello, everyone. I am so thankful that I found a group of people who can understand my grief, although it saddens me to know that we are all heartbroken. My big boy, Butters, died just 2 days ago, and I am miserable.

Butters was born in the closet of my current house, along with 4 other kittens, 8 years ago. We knew right away that he was our special boy. We ended up keeping 3 from the litter and giving away 2. Butters brother, Token, passed away just before he was a year old. Butters and his sister PJ were best friends and used to hug and kiss each other all the time.

Butters was so special. He was a big yellow/orange cat with white paws. He was the most friendly and loving cat I have ever known. He greeted every guest and always wanted to be around people. He loved playing in the yard, and he always came to me when I whistled for him. He spent his first few years happy and playful.

When we got a dog, both the cats hated him at first, but after about a month, Butters and Dublin were snuggle buddies. When Butters was about 4, both he and my dog experienced acute kidney failure. My husband and I are certain it was from our landlord having our house sprayed for roaches by an unlicensed person who did not use safe chemicals. The vets did not expect either to survive, but they both recovered after a few days of hospitalization an medications. However, the damage was done, and Butters now had scarred kidneys that would progress to CRF.

I read as much as I could about the disease, and I knew what to look for. I also knew that Butters would someday die from his illness. For years he seemed to be doing well besides drinking copious amounts of water and peeing just as much. Then, gradually, he changed. First, he started acting aggressively toward the other cats and the dog. He was never mean to a human his entire life. Then, he started crying loudly at night. He started losing weight. Not a ton, but he was down to 18 lbs. from 22. Then, he started crying out just before and after using the litter box, and he started pooping around the house. From January to June of this year, he had been to the vet 5 times. Each time all of his kidney levels were up a little more.

The last few weeks, he slept most of the time. He sought out affection, but could only tolerate it for a few minutes. He moved very slowly, though he was still eating his wet food. He spent a lot of time staring at his water bowl and taking just a few sips. He also stopped going to the bathroom. I had been thinking a lot about euthanasia, as I knew his quality of life was just going to continue to decline. I spent some time looking at old photos and videos of him, and the difference became obvious. He was so sick. And depressed. Deciding to end his suffering was the single hardest decision I have ever made in my life, but I had to do it. My husband and I held and pet him as the vet gave him a sedative. Within minutes, he was so sedated that it seemed to me like he was already gone. The vet came in and gave him the final injection, and seconds later, his heart stopped.

The last few days I have experienced all of the stages of grief, seemingly simultaneously. I have tremendous guilt, even though I know rationally that I ended his suffering out of love. At times I know I did the right thing. Other times, I feel like a murderer. I have been playing the "what if?" game. What if I had tried Sub Q treatment? What if we had never moved to that awful house and our pets were not exposed to poison? I also have been thinking totally crazy thoughts like maybe if I imagine hard enough, he will pop back into existence. Or, maybe I will wake up and this will have been a terrible dream. A lot of times I wish I could take it back and Butters would be here with me again, but I know that I made this decision for him, not me. I have been spending a lot of time cuddling with his sister, PJ, and his adopted sister, Ozma. Even though they both had been pretty scared of Butters over the last year, they seem to be looking for him every night. I even got upset with my husband for washing our comforter because that is where Butters always slept, and I wanted to keep his hair on the bed!

I miss him so much! He loved me like no one else ever could. And I will always love him. Thank you for reading his story.

Hi, kittykisses, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Butters. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Kittykisses, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is a journey frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the many emotions we all experience is guilt / remorse which comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the whys, what ifs, and if onlys that haunt and torture our hearts and minds during a time when we are emotionally vulnerable. This is one of the many reasons why this grief adjustment journey can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure.

From what you share with us there is no doubt you did everything in your human and humane power to give your beloved Butters a happy and healthy earthly journey. I hope in time as your deep grief eases you will come to have a peace in your heart that your beloved Butters is eternally grateful to you for releasing him from his frail, failing, painful physical body instead of trying to prolong his earthly journey when his quality of life no longer existed. This is what real love is - - putting the needs of another before our own - - especially when our hearts are breaking under the deepest sorrow of no longer having the blessing and privilege of their sweet precious physical presence with us.

In the midst of your deepest sorrow there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved Butters share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Butters' sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will for he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Butters with us, kittykisses, and these wonderful pictures of your beloved companion. He is so handsome, and you are so blessed to be his sole, and soul, heir to his eternal love. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

kittykisses, oh this made me cry for you as I can so relate. I decided on euthanasia for my beloved little dog Lilly three months ago and I'm still so heartbroken, although looking back it was the right decision. Her quality of life had declined and she was suffering. Your beloved Butters is now out of pain. He is no longer suffering and that is the best thing you could have done for him. You loved him, heart and soul, and he knew that. He still knows that. Hugs to you I understand how painful it is.

Thank you, moon_beam. It is comforting that others know how I am feeling right now. It is also comforting to know that grief is a journey, and someday I will reach a point where I am not so sad all of the time. Butters would not want me to be sad, but I miss him so much.

SoSad, I am sorry about your Lilly. The decision to euthanize my best friend was so so hard. Even though it was obvious that Butters would continue to decline, I still had a bit of denial, and that has made his passing even harder. He did know how much I love him. Thank you for your comforting words and your understanding.

I am so so sorry for your loss. My cat PJ had kidney failure, we still don't know the root cause, and for the first two days we tried to save her, but when she didn't respond to treatment, we realized that meant it was time. It truly is one of the most difficult and soul-wrenching decisions you'll ever have to make. Once she was gone I actually felt more peaceful because we had ended her suffering, but now I can't stop thinking about the fact that she had to spend her last days suffering as she did - why? What's the point? She never hurt anyone in her life.

I ADORE orange cats and Butters was obviously such a wonderful orange man. I am so sorry. Please don't feel guilty.

Thank you for your support, hewasmybestfriend. I am sorry about your lovely girl, PJ. One of my surviving cats, Butters' sister, is also named PJ. I worry that she will someday develop kidney failure and we will have to go through all of this pain again.

Kittykisses,

I am so very sorry that you are having to endure the physical loss of your precious, precious Butters.

Moon_beam expressed so well the reasons for our feelings of guilt when we are going through grief. It always seems to be part of this nightmarish journey.

Her sentiment about real love also really resonated. This is so true: This is what real love is - - putting the needs of another before our own - - especially when our hearts are breaking under the deepest sorrow of no longer having the blessing and privilege of their sweet precious physical presence with us.


Please try and remember these things. Do you have good support at home and with friends/other family? You can share with us any time. We will do whatever we can to help you through.

Butters is SO handsome and lovable-looking!!!!!

Hugs and prayers your way,

Kathy

Dear Kittykisses

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Butters. You had to make that terrible decision, and you made it because of how much you love him. We can't let our precious fur babies endure pain and suffering, so must release them when the time comes, and free them. We all feel the guilt and wonder if we did make the right decision. Your Butters knew how much he was loved, that love never dies.. he is forever with you in your heart and soul.
Please know that I am thinking of you, and can understand the pain that you are going through right now.

I love the photo's , what a beautiful baby. You have wonderful memories to treasure, of the wonderful life you shared with Butters.

Hugs
Jan and my Angels
Tasha, Noushka and Pixie <3

Thank you all so much for your sympathy and support. It is wonderful to have a community of people who don't think I am crazy for grieving over my pet.

I have been feeling less guilty each day about the decision to euthanize Butters. I can see more clearly now that he had been sick for many months. I knew that one day his disease would start to win, but I think I was in denial because he made such an effort to be near me and my family even though he had stopped doing other activities like grooming himself. He loved us so much and wanted to be around us as much as her could. That is what makes him such a special boy.

I think of those final painful moments less and remember him more for his love and sweetness. I still miss him terribly and cry many times a day.

My grief is such a privilege only made possible through the special bond and love that we shared, and I feel so thankful to have experienced 8 years with the best cat ever!

It has been a whole week since I said goodbye to my Butters. I miss him so much. I've been trying to bond more with my other 2 cats and dog, but I feel like I'm always comparing them to the sweet companion that I lost. Hopefully, in time, I will get better at appreciating them for all of their differences.

My son continues to look for Butters at random times during the day. It makes me sad. They were friends.

Oh Kittykisses,

Your photos are amazing, every last one of them! The one with your little son is beautiful! I love it! Just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your little Butters, he was gorgeous - as I say, what beautiful kitty cats.
I lost my Cloudy on St. Patrick's Day, and my other cat, Percy, was a little confused at first. Poor thing. Anyway, she had kidney disease, and we got 2 'extra' years for her by monitoring her diet. She was amazing. I also did what you did I have to confess - Cloud used to sleep in our en-suite bathroom on a pile of folded towels and I must have left her fur in there for about 2 months...I'm sad it's all gone now....
So, just wanted to say hello and that I get what you are going through, it's so hard. I have youngis kids too (my youngest is 8), and it was hard on them too. Just want to wish you the best, your little Butters (or maybe big!) was gorgeous.