I just think 'most' women(NOT ALL) cope with such things better than men.

I really don't have much to say right now. Its one of those days again.....Just wish Steffie was still here.

Earl

Earl I wish Holly was here every day. I wake up every morning thinking about her. I think about her all during the day at various intervals. It is so ingrained into us that it is ineveitable untill our minds and bodies start to slowly release that pattening.

My days are exactly as your's, just as soon as I awake in the AM. I cleaned out my 'received' emails in my 'Inbox' this morning.......came across one received from Vet's office on August 29. The Vet was out of town, and Steffie had started about this time period of turning her nose up at the prescribed kidney food. The Vet suggested another Senior/Mature food made by Royal Canine that wasn't prescribed. I had success with it with Steffie for only a few days, then I was back to scrambling for alternatives. You know all about what I'm saying here.

The unfortunate thing, reading this email just didn't help me because it opened Pandora's Box.

Just like the other morning when I went to the store and walked by the baby food section. I can't look at that area, just like I can't look at the Vet's office as I drive by. Just like feeding the deer and birds here everyday, it hurts and it serves no excitement anymore because that was, as well as other scheduled activities, a big deal for Steffie as well as I. As you know with Holly, its ALL those MANY, MANY little things, things that you would say to Holly or Steffie. You probably have caught yourself repeating those same little sayings to your other dogs, and then you catch yourself thinking,...."Wait, I can't say that to them, that was reserved for just Holly and myself."

Even though I Have SO MUCH to be Thankful for, it all means absoilutely nothing when they are gone. All you can do is survive, and play the time game.

I now have made a little bit of a rule, I have put Holly's medications and vet receipts for her last visit and her ashes and bed together and packed them away where I cant accidently come across them, same for any emails etc about her.

Her walks were a big deal and she would bark and get excited, but I still have to walk my other dogs and have finally started to enjoy it again and we do a lot of playing which is fun. Holly used to ride in the front seat of my car but I have now allowed my next oldest dog to ride there. A bit difficult to get used to but she is is a bit of a snuggler and she likes to sit right up close to me or put her head on my leg, which is nice. I still imagine Holly there but I have to move forward.

Trouble with surviving and playing the time game is that we are all getting older and running out of time. Life is a gift and we need to make the best of it. I miss Holly all the time, but my other dogs rescue me. I love their soft muzzles and smiling faces and the way they all love me and lie around me when I work on the computer and are ready for action at the drop of the hat.

I suspect it is going to be a pretty long haul time wise and you need to find something that helps to start to make you happy again. Only you can work that one out.

For me I am really appreciating my other dogs and I have got back into training them again so I can start competing with them when the herding trials start again. I also love hiking with them. I think without them I would be super miserable and thoughts of doing things with Holly would bring me right down much worse than they already do. I dont know if I would get over her loss without them so I can imagine where you are at the moment. Very hard.

Earl, I am not a religious person in the traditional sense of the word, but I am wondering if the reason Steffie appeared to you in a dream smiling is to try and let you know that she is okay. She would want you to be happy and to try and move forward.

My horse came to me in a dream the night he died to say goodbye maybe because I hadnt seen him in awhile and my dad came to me I think to pass on a message to my mother and sister.

Holly did not come to me in a dream perhaps because she knew I have my other dogs to help me through. Just a thought, but either way the dream visit from Steffie was definitely for a reason, she would definitely know how you would react to her loss. The one from my dad just after he died was enormously helpful to me. I still remember it clearly in detail many years later.

Yes, you are extremely fortunate to have already had your other companions with you. Your direct anecdote. Believe me, I know all about 'getting older' & 'running out of time'. That has a lot to do with my situation of Steffie being only 9.

Moon_Beam was 'right on' though, as per me needing to look after 'me'. At the same time that I still feel exhausted, I still feel like I'm suppose to be administering medications. I did it so damn long, I'm totally lost now with nothing to worry about. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? When I hear that 'I should get on with my life', well, since 1993, my life was working and one companion. Thats all I really cared about. Then when I went on my own with work, I was with my companion 24/7. You combine the 24/7 and the long, long roller coaster ride with Steffie, I'm just simply lost in space. As of the past month, I am now having to take care of my Parent's Taxes, etc, etc.. My Father now can no longer do it. I also have a very dark cloud that has been overhead since October 22, that I'm on hold awaiting to see whether the ruling will benefit me or put me out of business. It is called the 'ITAR FEE/REGISTRATION'. A newly orchestrated maneuver on behalf of our communist leader 'Hussein Obama' to do extensive damage. The fee I'm looking at is 'only' $2,250.00' 'Annually'. This ITAR has decimated this business, leaving stragglers hanging on by a thread, just waiting to fall. 'ONLY' the huge major manufacturers will sustain this. I will survive whether I'm still in business or not. It's the 'TOTAL' picture of EVERYTHING these days, or, at least, in this country.

Yes, I have a full plate. 'NOTHING' has gone right since Steffie started showing signs of going into Stage 4. I've only mentioned the tip of the iceberg. So, as per me getting on with my life, I often wonder what that would entail. I've said many times through the years, in the midst of so many 'Optimists' roaming the earth, that I was a pessimist......a pessimist because I would never be dissapointed when something went wrong. The Roman Empire lasted 5 centuries. I know you are not in the U.S., but, irregardless, if a sharp person has been paying strict attention the past 15+ years, let alone the past 8-9 years, the 'Good 'Ole Days' disappeared some time ago. I look back at what I was paying for Vet Costs for Schatszie during 1993-2005. It still wasn't too bad through 2008 with Steffie. BUT, shortly thereafter, I was shocked with how 'GREED' and 'Out-In-The-Open-Massive-Corruption' has taken TOTAL control in this world with a ZERO conscience. IT IS the survival of the fittest now. I do not wear rose colored glasses. I see things the way they really are, but, that doesn't mean I wake up everyday hating every absolute thing.

When I said that our dog(Our Pets) was the only 'SANE' thing LEFT in this world, I wasn't just whistling dixie. I would love for someone to prove me wrong. During my time with Steffie, make no mistake......it WAS OBSCENELY EXPENSIVE. I learned something along the way, taking care of her, especially after she was issued her death sentence. When a University Vet Clinic, which USED TO BE known for discounted vet care FOR YEARS.....'A Teaching Environment', IS NOW charging MORE THAN a standard Vet, whom are already OUT OF SIGHT as per majority, with a ZERO CONSCIENCE for the animal, but instead $$$$, the system is not only CORRUPT, it's ROTTEN. The same goes for human health care, BUT, our poor defenseless animals have now been targeted BECAUSE these THIEVES know that we would DO ANYTHING to save our beloved companions.

After having said all of this, it killed me to loose Steffie 'At 9 yrs'. But, what I witnessed in care of her, I'm simply paranoid . This GREED thing is NOT going to get better. It will get WORSE. Me getting another companion has zero to do with ITAR, or whether I'm still in business.

As my Grandmother always said,..."Theres a bottom to everybodie's barrel".

I think the good ole days are probably long gone everywhere, though from the sound of it I am rather glad I live outside the USA although I suspect our cost of living is higher with fuel being US$10 a gallon recently. I try and live a really simple life and have very few mod cons or fancy electronic stuff, just the bare basics. I dont even have a smart phone LOL. I have seen small businesses fold annually where I am and some towns have become almost ghost towns.

However I am am optimist in my own personal life but am never really surprised or dissapointed when things dont work out. I just roll with it as best I can and I consider myself reletively lucky compared to in some areas in the world. I have lived in some of those places in my lifetime.

Yes my pets keep me sane. That is the point and why I have them and will continue to have them for as long as I can. I also happen to be passionate about training my dogs, before that it was exteme sports. I have always done the best I can and earned my money at work but I work to live, not the other way round, so I have always had things to do in my life, mainly around enjoying nature, that make me really happy and along with my dogs keep me sane.

Getting on with your life is important but it is up to you to choose how you do it, no one else has the right to tell you how. It just may take a lot of time, it is not something you can just do instantly. I hope the ruling works in your favour, you sound like you have a lot on your plate. But yes you do need to find a way to look after yourself although it is not always easy. I see people all around me dealing with stuff in their lives, I deal with stuff in my life, it does seem to be getting worse.

At $10.00/gal on fuel, that is a major hit in your pocket book. I would be curious to know how much of that $10.00 is 'taxes'. A while back I was doing some business with a guy in California. He was telling me of business after business shutting their doors. Shotgun houses on the market for $150-200,000 +. Realistically, other than Hollywood, I do not understand how ANYONE can afford to live there via their ignorant politics. Most have moved here the past 6 years.

Thankfully, I have ALWAYS repaired everything myself.....electrical/plumbing/auto, all except home A/C. Politicians/Government day by day are restricting certain materials requiring a license. They are ONLY interested in the revinue, not environment or safety.

It just really ticks me off that our Pets are now being held hostage with these ever increasing vet costs. For those that cannot fix their own things, etc., I do not know how they can afford an ill pet, after their monthly living expenses. I don't even want to know what the average person's credit card balance is here in the U.S.. It would probably shock you.

Steffie and I were very lucky. My Father helped me some, but I didn't have any mortgage or outstanding debts. It all just left a bad taste in my mouth of what I was being charged to keep her alive, with never any surgeries.

I'm just in a suspended state of anger and nillness. I don't see the U.S. making it to 3 centuries let alone another 10 years. But, the same picture exists everywhere else. 'Water' will be the deciding factor down the road, not fossil fuels, as the worldwide population continues to explode. The unfortunate thing with all of this are our animals and pets. You think its bad now with all these stray animals, just wait.

As you with Holly, I'm am glad that Steffie came into my life. She provided a different angle that I had not previously experienced with a companion. AS such, it has been very hard without them.

For Moon_Beam, I hope against hope that Noah will be by her side for many more years.

Aside from the mortgage, fuel bills are my biggest expense because of the distances I travel and taxes are quite high including tax on fuel. These days if you have a family I would expect both parents have to work although everyone still seems to have and be glued to their mobile phones and fancy tech etc.

Yeah I do most repairs myself except for electrical and airconditioning. I have laid floors, tiled bathrooms, roofed verandahs, built sheep yards and do my own fencing and repair leaking plumbing. I have mainly been lucky with vet stuff with some major surgery being done for a fraction of the cost by a good friend now retired or I was lucky to have insurance on one dog that needed $6000 worth done. Still it hasnt been cheap but because I spend very little on anything else I always have a backup fund for the dogs. My mother has also helped on occassion in a tight spot. Here if you live in an affluent area the vet costs are ridiculous, same for specialist surgery. At least my local vet has fair prices, mind you she wouldnt be here if they wern't.

I visited a great aunt living in San Francisco years ago and a young friend of hers took me around. I was surprised to see so many apparently vietnam vets with placards asking for money or work. They seemed to be everywhere on nearly every corner.

Yes water will be key to the future. I live on the edge of a desert so it is definitely in short supply here. No lush gardens in this area. Uncertain future out here for sure.

Yes dogs are amazing companions in everyway. They make me happy.

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, I can so relate to how you're feeling with just about everything in your life going wrong in addition to dealing with the reality of a companion's ill health. I have known so very often in my life screaming to the sky "when is enough - - enough????!!!" - - and trying to keep from falling into a deep pit of despair. When we are constantly bombarded by negative experiences it is perfectly natural to acquire a very leary outlook on the prospects of anything better happening. Our precious companions do indeed help to keep us sane when everything else in our lives is insane, and when they are not with us their physical absence makes everything that is going wrong worse. I hope things will be resolved for you financially, Earl - - at least this would help to lift some of the burden from your shoulders and mind.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Schatszie's, Steffie's, Victor's, and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Earl, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Moon_Beam, As always, I appreciate your king, concerning words. I know there are MANY people out there hurting financially, etc.. These are trying times, times whereby the middle class is on the brink. For me, none of 'my' problems help a bit in me trying to heal from Steffie being gone. I know you can surely relate from what life had dealt you, and in an untimely fashion. Its TOUGH! Its HARD. Off and On, daily, I will think of certain things about Steffie, and it just kills me that she is gone. I think of you often Moon_Beam, and your beloved Noah. For your sake, I hope that Noah will be with you for many more years.

If my Business related problem doesn't work out in my favor, it won't really matter, because business hasn't been very promising for some time now. I will survive, but, I don't know what I will do from here out. It really wouldn't be that bad if Steffie was still alive. For me, in my lifetime, I have done many things that I enjoyed and wouldn't have done it any other way. I lived a frugal lifestyle and will continue to do so. But, as you know, our companions are our 'Ace-In-The-Hole'. You remove them from the mix,........Not Good.

Please don't take this out of context, but, since Steffie has been gone, I really and truly would not try to fight a serious illness if I ever contracted one. I need to stay healthy(which I Am) while my Parents are still alive, but, after they are gone, my roots will be severed. With the way our world is today, just people in general(thats not saying there are some good people out there still), I'm literally a square peg in a round hole. I was brought up at a very young age hunting and fishing with 'ONLY' my Father. We NEVER killed anything UNLESS it was to be 'Consumed'. I never hunted or fished with ANYONE ELSE my entire life. I quit hunting and fishing back in 2002 when my Father did because of his health.

So many things I used to love to do, but no longer because of the EXTREME costs of things, and I know I'm not the only one in that boat.

If ONLY Steffie could have lived AT LEAST another year. I can't get it out of my mind how she was cheated, BUT, I also know how LUCKY she was to live another 3.5 years with CKF. I NEVER forget that.

You and SummerHolly are ABSOLUTELY the ONLY two people I can relate to, and I don't even know either one of you. Theres not another single person I know thats fits the exact same profile as you, SummerHolly and myself, especially given the fact that each one of us has loved and cared for our companions for many reasons others cannot relate. Being single your whole life is not a cake walk, and far from it. Then as time goes by, you get older, you loose your Parents, etc., things change. Everyone will find themselves 'alone' in their later years, irregardless if you were married or single. 'Alone' meaning, not just without friends, but, alone without anyone that shares your exact same philosophy. Usually our Parents.

Thanks for all you do Moon_Beam. I hope you and Noah have had a peaceful weekend and an upcoming week.

You were smart to have found you a farm etc., whereby you are not living 10' from your neighbor, etc.. I'm sure you did it for your sanity. I live in somewhat the same type environment with no homes, people stuffed up into me and around me. If I want to test fire a weapon, I simply do it here with no worries from some 'New Age' AH, etc..

As I told Moon_Beam, I'm a square peg in a round hole in this New Age society in which we live. The only people I EVER had anything in common with, have either passed or not far off. My Parents and my companion have truly been my roots. That is my true happiness. BUT, Steffie was my main anchor, guiding light.

Maybe, Just maybe, Someday,....somehow, someone will finally admit that our animal kingdom(I exclude the human race) has always been way more intelligent than the human race couldn't ever have hoped to be.

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I am so smiling at what you share with us: "Maybe, Just maybe, Someday,....somehow, someone will finally admit that our animal kingdom (I exclude the human race) has always been way more intelligent than the human race couldn't ever have hoped to be." Throughout my life, even as a young child, I often commented to my family members that our non-human residents on this earth - - both wild and domestic - - are far more smarter than humans could ever hope to be. This was not well received by my parents and siblings. I have often told each of my beloved companions now with the angels, as well as my precious Noah, that I wish they could tell me how I could be a better caregiver for them instead of having to endure through my limited human intelligence.

I also personally can relate to how you feel when you share with us: "Please don't take this out of context, but, since Steffie has been gone, I really and truly would not try to fight a serious illness if I ever contracted one." I fully understand this is not an expression of a "death wish" or a contemplation of suicide. Throughout my life I have always been the "one left behind" - - and as one gets older, the resilience to pick oneself up after a loss becomes very thin and the Spirit becomes very weary. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Earl, that somehow in some way you will find a renewal of your Spirit which will offer you encoruagement to endure through your remaining earthly journey.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Schatszie's, Steffie's, Victor's, and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Earl, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Yes it is nice living where you can enjoy the peace and space and avoid people if I choose and my farming neighbours are nice. Most people I know would probably hate it LOL. I understand about the shared roots. Our family unit travelled and I went to 12 schools. My childhood was quite different and I have no shared childhood experiences in the country we finally landed in on a more permanent basis. So my parents and sister were it as far that is concerned. When my mother passes it will be like a complete severing of all of that. I really dread that day.

I suppose I am also definitely a square peg which is why I like living where I do, however I do enjoy it and as long as I have my dogs I am quite happy.

My take on it is that us humans squander our intelligence. We could actually be capable of great things, but unfortunately greed and power and the need to control seem to be winning and laying waste to the gifts that we have and the planet that we call home.

Animals can also be great opportunists and it is pretty cut throat out there and I see the feral animals lay waste to our beautiful native animals, sadly it is humans that have often laid the path to these inbalances. We can be incredibly smart and incredibly dumb.

I understand how you would feel like you do about serious illness but you wouldnt really want to go down that path, I hope you can find a way through this. I am not much help in that department because I still feel very resilient and I love listening to music, reading books by the fire and enjoying the sunsets and wild life around me and of course my dogs.

I do miss my Holly so much though. I thought about her all today. Now she was totally pure of spirit and had such a love of life. I defintely liked her more than most humans.

Hi Moon_Beam, The overall problem for me, is, there are just TOO many people now. Lakes and rivers and coastal areas are infested with people. My Father's boats that are here haven't been used in a long time. I have no desire to ever use them myself again, for many reasons, but, the main one being that my Father wouldn't be there while fishing. Just registering BOTH the 'trailer' and 'boat' is ~$120.00/yr.

Actually, a person doesn't own anything anymore,....thet rent. Especially your property/land. If you are middle class, it has become, literally, survival of the fittest, at the hands of local/state/federal politicians & lobbyists. Of course, this is what they want, 'The Rich' & 'The Poor'.........'Third World'. Our Grandparents would turn over in their graves if they knew what was happening, let alone knowing that one is only getting ~0.25% interest on your money at a bank, not to mention % on CD's that most depended on after going through the depression.

Yes, with all this pure insanity that surrounds us these days, our companions are still(and always have been) the only sane thing left. We ALL know their short longevity ahead of time, but as time goes by, we ALL fall into that trap and ignore the inevitable. With Steffie, for me, it WAS the ultimate knockout blow. It 'Is' what it 'Is' for me, and I don't expect any other person to understand my reasoning. As I've said before, and most would disregard this as total inaccuracy, but, it is not far off where having a companion will be considered a 'luxury',....'That Is', if you provide 'Excellent' non-ending care for your companion for it's entire life. It happens quite frequently where owners have their ill companions put to sleep at a premature age because they can't afford Vet expenses! I could NEVER think of such, let alone do it! Simply cannot believe ANYBODY could do this!? But, this is where people like yourself, SummerHolly and I enter the picture. Our 'TRUE' happiness is our companions. As times have changed, I personally know of no other form of 'Happiness'.

I was very observant of things in the wild while hunting for many years. Discrimination among ALL breeds of wildlife. Watching Snowgeese and Canadian Geese and Speckled Belly Geese ALL landing in SEPERATE areas of a rice field and NEVER intermingling. I watched Whitetail Deer NEVER associating with other Exotic Deer, and the same with exotics with other exotics. Same thing with Ducks, and you can go on and on. But, our local/state/federal governments say that ALL cultures are the same and that WE MUST intermingle or we shall be punished for it.

I simply find today's world a massive conglomeration of idiots and fools, traveling in a constant circle, not knowing how to get out of the way of their own feet.

Moon_Beam, I Thank You for much, but mostly for who you are and what you represent. I hope you and Noah have a blessed and peaceful day, evening and remaining week.

With my reply to Moon_Beam, I pretty well summed it up as per how I preceive today's world, let alone being a square peg. I watch these shows on tv dealing with people that have moved to Alaska. I can understand their reason(s), but, I don't think I could live in the apparent squalor they are living in. Especially not having an indoor bathroom.

Yes, not a day goes by that I don't think about or see something that brings Steffie to mind. I find it cruel though, that as time goes by, that, time is playing a cruel game by distancing the last time Steffie was alive and here.

Theres a lot to be said about 'Time'.

Yes not having an indoor bathroom in Alaska in the winter would be a challenge! I can relate to not wanting to go to places because of the crowds. I stopped going to many places I loved years ago, once only a handful of hardy people went there. Now with all the mod cons in situ and a lot of large shiny SUVs they are overflowing with people, often with very little idea. I have had to rescue quite a few people bogged on remote tracks and beaches. The rubbish that gets left behind and the general disrespect for these places is what puts me off too.

I also hate that time starts to distance us from Holly and Steffie. It is a strange feeling as it dulls slightly the acute hurt but it also makes it harder to hold on to their reality. I was just thinking about that.

"I also hate that time starts to distance us from Holly and Steffie. It is a strange feeling as it dulls slightly the acute hurt but it also makes it harder to hold on to their reality. I was just thinking about that."..............Everyday, I'll take time off and on to visualize Steffie, her doing certain things, the way she would trott along, every AM when I would sit down to eat breakfast, she would have the timing down perfect by listening to me in the kitchen when I was getting ready to finish my toast with honey. For years, I would cut four corners out of a piece of toast then put honey on it for her. She loved it. That.....I miss and it kills me now everythime I eat and do not hear her coming.

All of this is simply a crude form of punishment, not having them here anymore. It all just hurts like hell. I don't think its possible for two humans to love each other as much as you can your companion.

Yes I visualise Holly often, all the little things that she did that were so familiar. I find it still difficult to think that she is gone. I had never imagined a life without Holly in it. I think it would be difficult to love anything as much as I loved that dog. Still I feel lucky to have had her in my life and I love my other dogs, so I will just have to deal with it really. It is hard though as I want her back so much.

Yes, my exact feelings. For me, with the kidney failure in the ending days and months, my memory has been playing games with me as per trying to get her to eat, as if I didn't try hard enough. Then I of course remember all the desperate little details along the way that disproves such thoughts. There is simply nothing more enjoyable than seeing your dog eat ALL of their food with excitement AND wanting more. There is NOTHING worse than them showing signs of anorexia.

The one friend whose dog lost a bunch of weight and diagnosed with protein loosing nephropathy, is still eating, but the friend has been buying chicken in mass quantities for the change in diet. His wife tripped on a dog bed in their bedroom a week+ ago and broke her femur and will be released from therapy shortly(This is her dog). They have three dogs, but this particular one is his wife's pride and joy. All of this reminds me of exactly what I was going through at the absolute wrong time while I was trying to keep Steffie going. As with you, I'm sure you can relate. Its just so mind wrenching.

I'll never have my spirit back that I once had.

As with you, I Loved Steffie more than anyone could possibly know.