I got Smedley's ashes back, they are in a beautiful wooden box. It's so hard to understand that he is actually in there, and it's not just some kind of symbol. I miss him terribly. I feel like everything has changed completely. I would give anything to have him back with me, to be hugging him right now. It really hurts and him being gone is still such a shock sometimes...

I cried and I cried reading your post...I too have the guilt as I am a nurse and feel like I failed my beautiful Morning Glory…. I am afraid I made her live too long, probably in pain and did not see how she had declined….i was a hospice nurse for godsake and should have seen…I do not feel like l told her enough how much I loved her and gave her all the time I needed and should have and I feel just sick and heartbroken over my selfishness…her last two days I hardly spent with her as I knew it was coming and I could not bear it and had to distance myself…what a horrible ungrateful selfish thing to do…how could I do that to her?? The only thing that EVER loved me enough to stay when things got so bad, who never judged me or thought of herself instead of me, who always loved me no matter what…how could I do that??… I will never forgive myself for that. ..I too am lost an empty and the house so cold, dark and lonely….when I finally vacuumed it was so very hard….i felt I was dishonoring her by doing it and did not like that life and time went on as it showed her no honor....my life revolved around her too as she was a rescue and had very bad anxiety, was blind I finally realized, probably had IBS and was hyperthyroid and on meds for all of these…she kept me alive several times when I wanted to kill myself as I knew there was no one to take her and give her what she needed…I too have depression, anxiety, I lost my career to a hereditary disease that has taken the feeling in my hands and feet away and left me on disability…..she got me through so many sad and hard times and I will never forget her little ears that were balding…. wet with my tears as I left her on that table at the vets….she had let me cry and cuddle her so many times when I was so sad, scared and did not know what to do…. I had an orange tabby named Pumpkin as I got him on Halloween at 16 yrs old and he was a total surprise as I had wanted a cat for years and was always told no....Your baby looks so much liked him I cried as it could have been him…I remember doing my math homework at my desk with me hugging him over my shoulder and how he purred and was so happy to just be with me…..and I have pics of him with my mom who died two months after I had to put him to sleep when I was 27....I feel for you so bad as finding him in your bed had to be devastating....he passed in the place he loved the most, with the smells of his mom all around him, knowing how much he was loved, how you gave him the very best of everything you could and he seemed to have died peacefully it sounds...I know it does not make the pain go away and I am sorry as I wish I could…I hate to think of anyone suffering like I am….through my grief I am starting to see that there is never ever going to be a way that our beloved friends, companions, soul mates and babies could have passed and left us that would ever feel ok and not hurt and make us feel guilty and that we failed them…..it killed me to have to take my beautiful girl to the vet to be put to sleep…..the place she hated and was scared the most of all….to die in cold, clinical surroundings, I begged her and pleaded for her not to leave me all alone.......I wanted to crawl on that cold tabled with her and go where ever she going…..it seemed that was what I was suppose to do….my mom had knitted a blanket for my future kitties she told me before she died and I send this with Morning…I just could not bear to take it with me and I did not want her to be cold….I too took some of her hair to keep like you, her dishes, blanket, medicine reminded me of how alone I am now and how lost....the last thing I took away was her litter box and that was just a week ago and she died on 12/15….i wish there was a way for those like us grieving and suffering such deep losses to be able to give each other the time together, talking, care, hugs and reassurances we all need right now….it feels so very lonely out in the real world where you are expected to act and be normal though you heart has been ripped out and there are so many people who have never had a relationship with a pet like us…..i believe animals are mankind’ s undeserving and unasked for gift from God….nothing in this world will ever love you as unselfishly, unconditionally, and completely like an animal…..i believe they are here as our example of what we are to learn and do on this planet and that is love….pure, giving love…I pray for you some peace from your guilt as I do mine and try to find the thankfulness that we were so very blessed to have this wonderful being, connection and love in our lives though it was never for long enough…

Hi, Heartbroken, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, getting our beloved companion's ashes back is a two sided coin: the one side it can be comforting to have them back with us where they belong, yet the other side of the coin is yet another "reality check" that they are no longer with us in the physical form that our arms and hearts long for them to be. It is yet another "first without" to endure in this painful grief adjustment journey.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Heartbroken, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you - - for even though he is no longer physically with you, his sweet Living Spirit is forever a heartbeat close to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Heartbroken, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi, Thanks for responding. I relate so much to what you wrote, I cried too. I really wish I could have met Morning Glory and Pumpkin. I think you are right that no matter what happens we always think we didn't do enough, and I bet you are thinking you were less attentive than you were in her last days! I'm certain she knew how much you loved her! I know you probably don't believe me. But I'm sure of it. I hope that you're getting help with your depression and anxiety. I'm trying to get back to a therapist but am waiting on insurance stuff.

I'm moving out tomorrow morning and so today was cleaning everything and packing, and finally had to throw out his litter box. It's strange, isn't it, that something like that would be one of the hardest things to get rid of. It feels disrespectful to him to be moving to some new place and leaving behind the last space we shared so happily. Even though the new place is much better for me, I'd give up whatever I needed to have Smedley back. I just want life to go back to the way it was. He started having problems suddenly one night and two days - gone. He was so unique, so unlike any other cat I've known, and SO loving to me. One of the last videos I have of him, he was playing with gift wrap, and when I reached out to crinkle it for him, he would just stare at me and rub my hand instead. Sometimes he would even look into the shower and meow when I was in there. Plus, he had asymmetrical toes, his front paws were teardrop-shaped. Cleaning today I found toys, a single piece of cat food behind a door.. and yes his ears were balding too...

People are already asking me when I'm going to get a new cat or telling me to adopt such and such cat...it's only been two weeks. And these are people who have otherwise been sensitive to my loss. I just say, "Not ready."

Hi, Heartbroken, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief. From similar circumstances I know how much you were so looking forward to your new home with your beloved Smedley's sweet precious physical presence to share it with you - - only now to have to make this change in your life carrying your beloved Smedley in your heart. I hope you will be able to find peace in your heart that your beloved Smedley is happy you have found a better place to live - - and that you will feel his sweet Living Spirit with you wherever you go and whatever you do.

"Not ready" is an excellent response to people who truly have no understanding of the grief journey for a beloved companion. Having people say "you can always get another cat, dog, bird, horse - - whatever" is similar to someone telling a couple who have lost a human child "you can always have another." It's insensitive. Only YOU will be able to determine when / if you are ready to embrace another companion into your heart and home, Heartbroken, and whatever decision you make will be the RIGHT ONE for YOU.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Heartbroken, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you - - for even though he is no longer physically with you, his sweet Living Spirit is forever a heartbeat close to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Heartbroken, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you for taking time to respond I feel so disoriented and lost still. I miss him so much.

I understand the part about wondering if we could have done more---but they do get sick without us seeing anything until it's too late---Sometimes, there are nights, when I think of all of them---and the tears still come---we still had 2 of our large brood, so it wasn't like I was left with nothing--but then---about a year later--this tuxedo boy came into our lives---to join Stubby and Adam and he took the hurt away---His name is Booger and he is a pistol---Sometimes you never know---

It's hard to imagine--that the time will come that you won't feel the pain you are feeling now--I hope the best for you---

Mary

I sent you long mess via message and am not sure if I did it right or not....let me know you got it or not

I did receive it, I'll respond as soon as I'm able. thank you!

Did you receive my response, morning glory?

It's been almost a month and it's still shocking to me sometimes. Sometimes I still get the flashbacks to finding him, and that feeling feels raw again. Things have "gone back to normal", but the "normal" is different and so much emptier without him. I still don't understand why it had to be this way. I don't understand why he had to stop being alive. We loved each other so much. He deserved to live so much longer. I miss him terribly. I think about other people who still have their pets and I hope they truly appreciate them while they have them, because even if you already never take any time for granted, you will still miss them as if you did.

Hi, Heartbroken, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, adjusting to the "new normal" is a very painful journey both emotionally and physically. When our companions come into our lives they literally become the center of our universe, and when they precede us to the angels we are then faced with the agonizingly painful process of re-inventing our daily routines that no longer includes the physical needs of our beloved companion. Our thoughts become focused on "it was now that my beloved companion would have his / her breakfast, that he / she would keep me company watching TV," and the heartbreaking list goes on and on making every minute of every hour of every day feel empty.

I promise you it will not always be this way, Heartbroken. One day very likely when you least expect it you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Smedley and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and your heat will fill with the warmth of your and your beloved Smedley's treasured memories once again. But until this time comes for you, please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Heartbroken, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Heartbroken, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you :'(

It's been one month... I can't believe it. It feels like so much longer without him. Getting used to coming home to a Smedley-less house, to nothing, is very painful. It used to be so wonderful to come home to him. I spend time with his ashes every day - I don't know if it's healthy but I feel like it's important to "interact" with him somehow, to hold space for him, and not forget him. I still can't believe he's actually in that box. He really was my best friend and my sweetheart. I loved him so much and just wish he was still with me.

Hi, Heartbroken, please permit me to try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share with us: "It's been one month... I can't believe it. It feels like so much longer without him. Getting used to coming home to a Smedley-less house, to nothing, is very painful." This grief journey is one of the most painful adjustments you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts. I also know how difficult it is to adjust to the "reality" that your beloved Smedley is no longer with you in the physical form your heart and arms long for. The good news is that his sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will - - for he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Heartbroken, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Heartbroken, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you... today was really hard. I went home from work early feeling physically ill but mostly emotionally. I didn't expect the 1-month mark to hit me so hard. I feel so depressed and am feeling his loss strongly, the unfairness and incomprehensibility of it.

It has been three and a half months for me, and I am still crying every day. It's only in the past four or five days that I have started to get past the insomnia -- I'm up to six hours of sleep a night, from three to five or none at all. My stomach was upset every night for three months, too, and that is slowly passing, although I still feel twinges from time to time. Thursdays are really hard, because my cat died on Thursday morning. It feels odd at first to get blindsided by things like that.

I expect you will get through this slowly, like me. It never seems any more fair, or better; you just learn to live with it day by day. I am sorry I don't have anything else to say.

Heartbroken -

As I read your first entry, I realized it could have been written by me. My orange cat Henry (who was only ten) died unexpectedly on June 1, 2014, after a seemingly normal Sunday. He was the best cat ever, he loved me like your Smedley loved you - we had special activities and games, sleeping and napping rituals, he waited for me to come home from work, we would "talk", etc. -- all the things you describe. He traveled with me through many airports, helped me through some really rough times and some very happy times. he went to my sisters wedding (She is a vet, so it is not as weird as it sounds -- several animals were there.)

I thought he was so special, and nicest of all, it was clear he was convinced that I was the most special person he ever met.

Like you, I'm heartbroken, I'm furious/sad that Henry, like Smedley, didn't have time to get old. Worst of all, I too am terrified that I should have noticed something was wrong, and if I had, he could have stayed with me longer. I'm scared I let him down and that the horrible pain I feel of missing him is deserved -- some kind of cosmic punishment for being a bad cat mom. You were smart to get an autopsy to have some answers. At the time Henry died I was so upset I could not bear of thinking of him being cut up (even though I know "he" was not there anymore, and would not care!). Plus, I am not sure if I could bear it if it had turned out to be something that I could have helped and and should have noticed!

I'm sorry this post is so much about me - but reading your post was so close to how I feel and I have not ever send it out loud or
written it down in the 8 months since Henry died.

Everyone tells me: Think of the time you had with your pet, and ask it it was worth it, even though you are now separated - of course, the answer is always "yes", and that is supposed to make you think of the good times you had rather than the loss. I keep trying and sometimes I find comfort in that. Right now, even 8 month later, it is still pretty hard (especially the 1st of each month).

I hope you feel better soon.

- K.

Hi, yes, I really didn't expect the month mark to be so hard. I have never been much into celebrating the new year, but I now know January 1 will always be very difficult for me. I'm still getting over the shock and having occasional flashbacks to finding him. My sleep hasn't really been disrupted to such an extreme degree as yours, but sometimes it is harder to sleep due to loneliness and emotional pain of him not being there with me.

Wow - those are some crazy similarities. Thank you for sharing your story with me and I am so sorry for your loss. I relate SO much to what you describe, especially the guilt and feeling like I failed him.

Yes the vet (who I work with) had to coax me to let him go to do the autopsy as soon as possible, and at first I wasn't sure if it was the right thing, but overall I'm glad I got answers. It was so horrible to have to do that...the whole thing is horrible. I can't believe it still. I've been pretty balanced between grief episodes, remembering good times, some traumatic flashbacks to finding him, and just a general sadness and emptiness. I feel sad that others get to go to bed cuddling their pets at night and I can't anymore. I worry that the other animals in my life that I see regularly will "replace" his memories. I talk briefly to his ashes every night before bed. I miss him so terribly..

The idea of orange cats at a wedding is so sweet, I love it.