This is so true about 'Re-Inventing Our Daily Routines'. Its literally a total revamp. Today I had to look for something in my documents on the computer and came across a pic I took of Steffie 10 days before she was gone. We had gone somewhere in vehicle and I had already pulled in through gate and got out to close the gate. Steffie ALWAYS got out of car to snoop. She just sat there in the back seat with no interest to get out with lack of entergy.

Its really very, very hard for me to look at any of her pictures. Some might suggest putting all pictures out of sight while grieving. I couldn't think of doing such.

Thanks for taking time out of your day to give me a booster shot Moon_Beam. I sincerely appreciate all that you do.

I hope you and Noah had a peaceful day and evening too.

Yes Holly always got the front seat while the others were in the back of my wagon. She would often tuck her head next to my leg. Lots of things that only she did and it is hard when they are no longer there. I think what I miss most is her eyes and the way they were always searching to make contact with mine. If we did something fun together they would literally sparkle like diamonds as she looked me in the face, big grin on hers.

With Steffie being your only dog I can understand that it would be like losing a long time partner and that it is hard to carry on without them. I had flashes of that when I lost Holly but I have the responsibility of my other dogs so I had to shake that feeling.

My youngest dog is the same breed as Holly and the same colour. She is incredibly cheeky and loves to sit at my feet and turn her head, look me in the eyes and grin from ear to ear. She has many of the same breed traits as Holly but has her own cheeky little personality. She makes me smile. She is not the same as Holly but I am really starting to connect with her which alleviates some of the pain.

Sometimes I like to look at photos of Holly other times it is actually quite painfull.

With Holly her appetite was so good that when I heard her give the very occassional cough only when she was eating, I didnt think it was anything to worry about. I just gave her moister food as her teeth were quite worn, and that seemed to fix the coughing. It was not untill I thought her breathing was a little more laboured than usual that I took her to the vet and the vet didnt think it was anything too serious either. It then all happened so fast , she only lost her appetite the day before she died. That whole scenario is what I find hardest to come to terms with, it was completely unexpected. That and hoping she wasnt in a lot of pain in the days and weeks leading up to it all.

I knew she wasnt quite her usual self and seemed to be sleeping more and didnt quite bounce on her walks, but she did have arthritis that I thought that it might have been getting worse. I was fortunately giving her some pain medication when I noticed her slowing down from what I thought was arthritis so hopefully that helped. I had also started on a gentle program of massage and gentle exercise to help tone her hind legs. I didnt even consider a life threatening illness. She hadnt lost weight, her coat was very glossy and her body funtions were completely normal. She was just slowing down. Now I realise that increased lethargy could be the sign of something a lot more sinister than ageing.

So I guess we have scenarios with losing our dogs that we have to come to terms with.

The more we disclose about Holly and Steffie, they both had similar personalities. When Steffie and I went riding, she layed her head on my leg. Early on I thought she might be prone to motion while driving, where she would sit up when the vehicle came to a stop etc.. Schatszie was always sitting up in vehicle and wanted a window down so she could stick her head out and bite at the air.

I think that a lot of times that Vets know exactly what is wrong with our Pets but will hold back from telling you so you can enjoy the last days with them. With Holly having a good appetite to the very last, that to me would be GOLD......when they quit eating or show signs of being picky, then you start worrying and call the Vet. SummerHolly, you did good. I never have liked leaving my companion overnight at a Vet Clinic. Sometimes you have no choice. I never have liked a crate or 'cage'. Some people think they are great. Would you want to be in a cage? I think not.

For me, tomorrow will be two months since saying goodbye to Steffie. It still seems like it was yesterday at times. I'm still dealing with 'waves'. I've been communicating with the Retired Air Force Colonel in Alabama. He reminds me of you and Moon_Beam. He's a Vietnam Vet and was a FAG(Forward Air Guide) over there in '68. He's had his share of bad there, and in his personal life. Lately, he's been attempting to guide me to 'Going Back To The Well' and get another puppy. He and his wife adopted a Sheltie puppy 10 years ago. Before 'Annie' was ~4 months old, she required major surgery on her legs, requiring the tendons to be relocated around the knees so she could walk. Their situation has been the same somewhat with what I went through with Steffie.....rollercoaster. 'Annie' still doesn't walk with ease and arthritis is now her enemy. They got another Sheltie puppy 3 years ago and they feel that 'Belle' has helped to keep Annie alive longer.

SummerHolly, I'm glad that you have your other puppies with you. Can you imagine what shape you would be in, still, considering not only loosing Holly, but all the other negatives that happened at the same time.

I compare your situation with mine, and I know that I should consider another companion, but, I just can't get past the feeling of 'betrayal' of Steffie. I finally found peace with loosing Schatszie months later, with her age. As with Steffie, I consider how they were blessed to have come home with me, and all the many other positives that wouldn't have existed at any other home, but, it does absolutely no good as for Steffie. I simply worshiped her. As Moon_Beam has said,....'One Day'......'One Day when you least expect it'........'Peace'.

Holly would lie all the way on the 3 hour journey to visit my mother, then in the last few streets before we got to my mother's house, she would sit up and start barking, she did this always. She loved visiting my mother who spoilt her rotten.

Glad the retired Colonel is proving to be a good friend and understands what it is like to love a dog.

I dont think Steffie would view it as a betrayal to get another puppy when and if you are ready. I would think Holly and Steffie would want us to be happy. You just have to wait for that time when you do feel at peace. Missing them will always be there and will hit in waves every now and then for ever, but I do believe there comes a time when you are more at peace with it. I went through that with my dad. That was the worst time ever but years later I now only think about all the happy times I had with him in my childhood.

I think about Holly everyday and miss her, because I am trying to adjust to not having her in my life, but I dont wake up with that horrid feeling in the pit of my stomach so much anymore. I dont know when there will come a time when I dont think about her everyday but it probably will, a bit like my dad I guess. Doesnt mean I love them any less.

Its ALL so much harder when you get older. So much harder. The Col, in his words of wisdom, told me 'I WON'.....'Steffie Won'......that I should go out and prevent another puppie from being thrown away. He and his wife are in for a very dark day ahead with their Sheltie, and it is almost a carbon copy of Steffie and myself. But, they are in good shape so far, because 'Annie' has reached 10 yrs old, with no 'Etched In Stone Prior Death Sentence' put on 'Annie'. They have spent the past ten years absolutely keeping Annie 'mobile'.

There are so MANY variables in loosing your 'Best Friend', and most people do not take into account these variables as to why someone might have a tougher time in finding peace. When someone suggests to go out and get another, etc., yes, they mean well and I appreciate their good thoughts. As I said before, ONLY 'YOU and Your Companion', as well as your Vet KNOWS......KNOWS EVERYTHING that took place.

Yes, the Col was right, there was a mission 'for Steffie and I both'. Yes, I am glad I originally came home with Steffie as a puppy. Was I frustrated at times the past 7 years dealing with Steffie's issues? Yes, but only because I wanted her to be problem free, to not have to take pills all the time, to live life without going to the Vet so often. Thankfully, our pets have no idea what their future holds, only the owner.

As per my 'mission', you don't just turn that off, and most people just do not understand why, but, thats OK, for they weren't there in the trenches. For those that were on a similar 'mission', yes, they FULLY understand, but that doesn't mean ALL the variables are in place to truly understand.

SummerHolly, theres no doubt that I hope to see that day that 'IF' I ever had a desire to get another puppy, that it wouldn't be in betrayal of Steffie. Thankfully for you, you have your other friends. As I've mentioned to you before, you and Holly were blessed to have been together for 14 years. I don't think you could have accepted her reaching a point where her mobility was minimal, cataracts or limited eyesight, etc., of old age. I think that most people that have been blessed with longevity with their pets recover much more quickly. Their 'mission' was completed with an ending chapter of their book.

For me, considering 'every single variable' from the day I got Steffie and Schatszie as a puppy, till the day I said Goodbye, I finally found peace with loosing Schatszie because the 'mission' was complete at 12. I wouldn't have wanted her to succomb to problems of eyesight, mobility, etc, etc. With Steffie, the mission WAS NOT completed. I will forever be haunted when the Vet was here on Nov 17, and I was hugging Stefie and looking into her eyes when the Vet inserted the needle. Steffie gave me a look of total horror, as if to say,...'This is the end!!!....Isn't it??!!'

Most would say,..."QUIT thinking about that, Put it out of your mind, Don't dwell on it". Really? Who's fooling who. You might not dwell on it, like I do not,...BUT....You NEVER erase it from your mind, EVER, because for me, the '7 yr mission' was still 'ongoing'.

I just pity anyone that has been on a 'mission' for a very long extended period with a human, pet, etc., and then they are gone forever.

You just don't turn it OFF. Time might heal the surface wounds, but never the deep ones.

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are experiencing is a very normal part of this deep grief journey when you share with us: "I just pity anyone that has been on a 'mission' for a very long extended period with a human, pet, etc., and then they are gone forever. You just don't turn it OFF. Time might heal the surface wounds, but never the deep ones."

This is known as "Caregivers Syndrome" - - and you are precisely on target in your feelings. We are the human caregivers of our precious companions during their earthly journey because they are totally dependent upon us for their every need - - physical and emotional, - - and when they precede us to the angels we experience the IDENTICAL "Caregiver Syndrome" as those who have been the caregivers of a human family member or friend. iI was blessed to be the caregiver of my mom, as I have been blessed to be the caregiver of several precious companions through the years, as I am blessed to be the caregiver of my precious Noah now. When our loved ones - - whoever the life form - - are no longer physically with us does not separate us from the labors of love we shared with them through their earthly journey. But it does take time for the physical relationship we had with them to transform to a different dimension whereby we hold onto the treasured memories and the painful ones are not quite so intense. This doesn't happen in a day, a week, a month, a year - - it only happens one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.

Earl, please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Schatszie's, Steffie's, and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Earl, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I think with me Holly was my soul dog, we were part of each other. I dont really see her as a completed mission, I see her know as a missing part of my soul. The echo of her bounces around the inner most part of me. It is a weird feeling. I think if I didnt have my other dogs I would be in much worse shape. I could never imagine a life without my Holly, but I have to although I still feel her in me, I can almost touch her, as I said it is a very weird feeling.

The young dog I lost, she had many extreme issues, both physical and mental, and I spent a lot of time with her dealing with them. I felt incredibly guilty when I lost her because of not getting her to the vet sooner. Then I felt guilty for wondering if it had played out the way it was supposed to, that she had been sent to me for a reason, her short life changing my life forever by getting me into dog training and facilitating my move to my farm to continue training dogs. I was at a real crossroads in my life at the time, wondering what to do next.

As you say our journeys are all different as is the way we approach and deal with stuff.

Moonbeam again has very wise words.

Hi Moon_Beam, I feel exactly the way SummerHolly has stated in the following,..."I think with me Holly was my soul dog, we were part of each other. I dont really see her as a completed mission, I see her know as a missing part of my soul. The echo of her bounces around the inner most part of me. It is a weird feeling. I think if I didnt have my other dogs I would be in much worse shape. I could never imagine a life without my Holly, but I have to although I still feel her in me, I can almost touch her, as I said it is a very weird feeling." I went a bit far using the word 'mission', but I hope it wasn't misconstrued as a crude, out of place descriptive term.

As you say about the 'Caregivers Syndrome', about their dependency on us,.......so many times Steffie would want to do things, but, would turn back to look at me for permission to follow through. Its all hard to explain. As with SummerHolly with Holly,.....Steffie and I became 'One'. She knew my every move, and I knew hers.

It is simply hell when you are forced into a staight jacket and FORCED to not having a single option in getting them back in your life. It is also hell when you know that without a shadow of doubt, that your life will never have the 'spark' that it once had when they, were, in your life.

Thank You Moon_Beam for your unending, authentic wisdom.

I hope you and Noah are doing well.

Yes, Moon_Beam comes through with true words of wisdom. As I spoke with him, I shouldn't have extended the use of the word 'mission' as I did, but I'm sure you probably knew what I was saying.

I feel exactly the same way as you have described Holly being your soul dog. These are feelings I've never had before, or, let me say they are feelings more intense. As I've spoken before, Schatszie would stand at the front gate/fence area looking down the road, awaiting my return....EVERY SINGLE TIME, regardless of the weather. To this very day, .........even when Steffie was alive, I still look at that area as I'm approaching in my vehicle, expecting to see something....see Schatszie. When I would visit my Parents place,......there Schatszie would be, standing at their gate upon our return. Steffie was different no doubt.

I guess to sum it all up, when you live alone and you have only one companion, you BOTH become ONE, and you are BOTH dependent upon eash other 1000%, no exceptions. Maybe I should have gotten another companion for both Schatszie & Steffie. I've always been somewhat scared to go that route because of possible jealousy, etc, between the two. The perfect scenario would be if you you got both at the very same time as puppies.

I guess I'll go to my grave always thinking,...."Why Steffie? Why?"

Mission is often a very male way of expression and I do get what you mean although for me it is more a journey probably with a physical end but not a journey end.. My other dogs lived another 2 1/2 years longer, why did Holly die younger. That haunted me for quite awhile but I have now managed to look at it from another angle, trie to get awy from the completion of a mission scenario.

I had my first dog Jess and after 6 years of her and me, I welcomed another puppy. Jess was very sweet about it but she never really forgave me as it was no longer just her and me and it did affect our relationship to a degree, but there was never any fighting. When Jess passed I got Holly and my other dog having always been with another dog was unaffected by it. Holly in turn welcomed every new puppy into the fold with a loving sweetness. She knew she was number one and never felt her position was in jeopardy.

The problem with getting 2 puppies together is that it can go wrong. The puppies will often form a close bond with each other and unless you put in a lot of separate training effort you may never have a total bond with either. Or in my case where I had a pup and then rescued another of the same age, there is suddenly a fight for domination as they grow. My 2 boy dogs who are the same age do not like each other and are openly competitive with each other for my attention. So it can be tricky. I think probably best to get one dog and once that dog is trained and past adolescence, think about adding number 2. You will also have a better idea of temperament by then.

I tend to believe that every animal that has come in to my life has come for a reason. I have only ever selected 2 of my dogs, the others have arrived by circumstance. Each one has come with a different set of challenges and personalities, from frightened rescues and my seriously damaged young dog that I lost young. My dog I lost young changed the course of my life so drastically that I named my farm after her. She loved me and my mother to bits but was incredibly terrified of anything else that moved. She tested my dog training skills at the highest level as well have some bad medical issues.

I try and look at each of my dogs life as a journey enmeshed with mine. I do my best to help them and love them and their gift to me is to teach me things and make me a better person. I have increasingly come to look at it in this context at what ever age I lose them.

Holly ripped part of my soul out but as the weeks have gone by and I can feel her alive in my heart, I think she has taught me much and I can feel her still with me. Maybe I am becoming a more spiritual person, maybe that is what my animals do to me. Not in a religious sense but in a personal journey and growth sense.

I have decided not to ask why they die when they did, but why they came into my life and what our journey together has taught me. The positives for them is a given, they were born to love us. The grief of losing them will always be there but they give us many gifts as well.

The more I think like this the more alive I feel each of them in my heart, it is really weird. I guess my way of dealing with it.

I agree that the lack of control we have over losing them is by far the hardest part. I couldnt belive it that I was going to have to put my beloved Holly to sleep when a few days before I had no idea anything was wrong. That was a complete nightmare. My lovely Holly. But I believe there will be more sparks in my life and I have my Holly in my heart.

There is no doubt that we are all different to some degree with dealing with the bad. I don't think there is ever an acceptible ending with our companions. The only non-traumatic scenario would be your pet reaching a VERY old age, they quit eating, their mobility is limited, etc, but to actually put them to sleep would then be traumatic, but your recovery per grief would be somewhat better. This scenario is rare unfortunately.

Honestly, I just don't think I can raise another puppy. I have sufficient deep wounds from Schatszie and especially with Steffie. When you get a new puppy, you should be ready in your life for a new exciting beginning. All the emotions, 'watching over', training, laughter and joy, are endless, THEN they become full grown and somewhat settle down. I cried and cried and cried after loosing Schatszie. But, repeating myself, I recovered by adhering to her age of 12. I accepted the 'life & death' journey. Steffie's situation just simply drained me of any future spirit or pride or joy and excitement with possibly getting another, especially a puppy. My Father's Father remarried after my Grandmother passed away(Pancreatic Cancer) after 55 years of marriage. I never accepted his actions. But, I think different than most and have lived a life much different than most on the average. With me, and everything that happened with Steffie, I 'would be' betraying her to get another, and/or I could never love another pet like I did Steffie, because there will always be a default barrier in place. Plus, I still have a very rocky road ahead with my Parents, especially my Mother. I'm presently on hold with my Father, for he could pass any day.

When you get a puppy, your life should be flowing smoothly as best as could be expected, so you can 'take-it-all-in'. Love every second of it. Steffie was the only sane thing in my life since 2005, as was Schatszie since 1993. This time around, I just don't see a ladder to exit the pit I find myself in. All I can do is stay as busy as possible while I grind my teeth.

SummerHolly, I'm really glad you have made progress in coping, or chosen a stategy to help in coping with Holly. Me? I just cannot figure out what direction to go. Nothing makes sense, not even time.

You know just thinking of your grandfather. My mother never remarried after losing dad because I think he was a man ahead of his time where most men of his generation are very conservative, but if she had found a nice, caring man that made her happy that would have been okay by me and my sister. Dad would have been fine with it, he just wanted her to be happy. One thing I have learned in life is that sometimes you just have to be happy that someone you love has another chance at happiness. I would think differently if it was a bad person.

I understand how and why you are feeling like you do about Steffie. I have been through those feelings myself particularly after losing dad at much a younger age than he deserved and watching him fade away over time and watching my mother dealing with, that was so hard but with a lot of time I have been able to climb out of that pit. He is still in my heart and memories.

Like you with Steffie, my mother has struggled to climb out of that pit. She didnt deserve to lose him that way and I can sense the same elements about your loss of Steffie. My mother has struggled at times to find a way through as she is ultimately always more pessistic than me and suffers bouts of depression and dad left me in charge of looking after her. Her dogs have been a real blessing. I have had use to a lot of energy at times to inspire and encourage her and I think that has helped her move forward which she has.

I have often had to wrack my brains for ways to inspire her, even had to drag her kicking and screaming at times, figuritively speaking of course. I think she thinks I am quite crazy at times but it seems to work. My dad was also a little crazy pushing her way out of her comfort zone so I think it is good I am my fathers daughter.

Yes I cant imagine loving a dog as much as I loved Holly, she is my default sure, but it wont stop me trying.

My life has often been chaotic and I have taken risks because that is what makes me feel alive. I can be impulsive although everything has been a calculated risk. Same with my dogs of recent years, with unexpected rescuing of several abused puppies. I just take it as it comes and deal with it on the run. I am a master at building ladders out of pits. I look for the meaning in things and am the ultimate optimist really. Doesnt mean I miss Holly or love her less, but I can let certain things go and embrace her essence into my self.

This way of thinking has taken a lot of soul searching and years of considering the universe, the world and what it means, but it is in my nature to resolve it in as positive way as possible. It is just how I work, but it hasnt been easy.

I understand the difficulty with aging and ill parents having lost my dad and my mother is now 85 and I dread losing her more than anything. That is going to be my biggest challenge of all.

I know I will cope but I still dread it, as although we dont always see eye to eye, one thing about my mother is that she loves my sister and I and always has our back if she can. We share many amazing and scary memories of a life that took us around the world to different countries and several areas of high conflict, a very different childhood to many and because we were always on the move, memories shared only by my immediate family.

Earl you just have to be true to yourself in all of this. I am a bit crazy, eccentric and wildly opptimistic, that is just who I am. So how I deal with this is going to be different to the way you do. All I can do is be here if you want to talk. It helps me as well. I find writing down what I am feeling helps to solve things for me.

Moon beam has a calm considered knowledgable approach which also puts things into perspective.

It appears that your childhood travels have given you a more logical outlook on things, your resilency. I admit that my outlook or my direction concerning Steffie is quite negative. Seems as though I've done nothing but &%^yze things my entire life. Look ahead before you step.

I haven't had many good things to say about the human race for sometime now. Even though, many would call me a hermit, nonsocial, but, I'm not that at all. They think they have me pegged, but most are way off course. Believe me, I take both your's and Moon_Beam's advice and comments like it was plated in gold, because, I know we all three have very much in common, being single and unmarried. We are 'Free Thinkers'. We do not have to get permission from someone else in our lives. I see so much of this 'getting permission' with married people of today. I NEVER saw such growing up, like with my Parents/Grandparents. I can't live like that, and I won't. This is why I have simplified my life starting back in the early 90's, after I got Schatszie.

I can tell you this, ....I wouldn't still be communicating on this site if it wasn't for both you and Moon_Beam.

You might say I'm a self-taught gunsmith. Theres ONLY one person that I'm good friends with, concerning this business and life in general, and he's 10 years older than I. He is a self taught jack of all trades.....an absolute vanishing breed. A VERY INTELLIGENT person with zero college. Other than my Parents, he and my companion are about it on my list of who I wish to communicate with or did. As the years passed, I KNOW Steffie understood most of what I said to her. I knew when she didn't understand, because she would cock her head to the side and stare at me. I sure do miss Steffie, in so many, many ways. I would give my life to restore hers. I put all my eggs in one basket.

Yes I was brought up by parents who worked as a team. I remember a man that I spent a lot of time with telling me that the thing he found hardest to take about me was my free spirit and need to do the things that I loved. Huh? That is what attracted him to me in the first place. Needless to say I got fed up with that attitude and free spirited out of there. I dont expect to give permission or ask it, it is about mutual respect and understanding what makes each other tick.

I think a dog that you really connect with it is about that. Holly absolutely knew I loved to make her happy and that I would try my best to take any pain away and keep her safe. In return she gave me all of herself and she loved to do stuff as a team. There was nothing she loved better than working with me. We understood and trusted each other totally.

So I can well relate to your Steffie understanding what you said. Dogs that are very close to you can absolutely read you like a book. I remember my old Jess became completely deaf. I never gave it any thought untill she stayed with mother for awhile when I had to go away. When I got back my mother told me that there was a difficulty in communication because she was deaf. I realised then that because we had become so in tune with each other it was as if she wasnt deaf.

I am sure people think I am rather eccentric. I just like to keep clear of the sometimes illogical goings on of the human race in general. I hate getting embroiled in drama and avoid it where possible. Dogs are what they are, there is no pretense what so ever.

I am a pretty &%^ytical person but I also like to test myself so I take calculated risks. My parents did everytime they moved, some of the best times didnt always pay off financially but they paid mightily in experience and happiness.

I am just a sucker for dogs. I just love having them in my life. Holly is now part of me. I can feel her and see her in my mind. She has transitioned into someting that is real in a non physical kind of way.

I know you miss your Steffie but she was a wonderous creature and you alone will hold her specialness. She would want you to move forward from this. Imagine if you had decided to call it quits with dogs after Schatszie then you would never have known Steffie. Steffie might have come to you for a reason, maybe to look inside yourself and work out how you can grow from this. We have many chains that bind us mentally. You dont have to set aside your core beliefs but you can grow from experiences. You may never be ready to welcome another companion but then again you might be missing out on something very special. Dogs have a great capacity to become special when they are one on one with us. Sometimes it is simply about taking a leap of faith and not over &%^ysing.

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can so relate when you share with us: "we all three have very much in common, being single and unmarried. We are 'Free Thinkers'. We do not have to get permission from someone else in our lives." While I was growing up I had to act like an "adult" - - was frequently in situations where I had to make decisions that no child should. Consequently I became quite independent minded, and through my life I have been informed that this made me "undesirable" as a woman. One man asked me why I wasn't married. I told him "I haven't met anyone who could measure up to the standards of my dog." He then proceeded to inquire if it was because no man would "surrender" to me. I responded "no - - it is because I haven't met any man who would genuinely and completely love, honor, protect, and cherish me above all others." This man had no reply. One of my siblings told me in recent years that my "standards" for a human life mate were "too high."

Our companions enlighten us in so many ways through their exuberance to be with us and accepting us for the mere fallible mortals we are. They show us how relationships "should be", and because of this, this is one of the many reasons why the adjustment journey is so very painful when they precede us to the angels.

I can so understand how you feel when you share with us: "This time around, I just don't see a ladder to exit the pit I find myself in. All I can do is stay as busy as possible while I grind my teeth. I just cannot figure out what direction to go. Nothing makes sense, not even time." I remember this same feeling many times in my life, including after the automobile collision when everyone was telling me "to get on with my life." I kept asking "how", and no one could, or would, give me an answer. It was a very dark time in my life with little hope for anything good. It took a very long time - - literally years - - until I was able to begin to find hope in the process of rebuilding my life. And each day now continues to be one more victory - - one day at a time. Sometimes when we find ourselves in intolderable circumstances all we can do is grind our teeth and endure through the darkness one step at a time. You are not alone in your journey, Earl.

I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Schatszie's, Steffie's, and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Earl, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

" Sometimes it is simply about taking a leap of faith and not over &%^ysing."..........I will admit that taking that 'leap' is my greatest fear at the present. There are many emotions flowing right now. My total devotion to Steffie, or as Moon_Beam explained, this 'caregiver's syndrome'. As we both know, Holly and Steffie did things or things to us that no other had. Its just very hard for me to accept Steffie is gone. Its just a bad situation, one I've never been in before. You are probably still trying to adjust in your daily routines, where everything you did daily like clockwork, Holly would do certain things in each of those tasks. The same thing here. I think of the situation of getting another, and their personality would not be the same as Steffie's during these daily tasks, and I would forever think of Steffie doing things in such a unique manner. I know this all sounds weird. As I said before, I put all my eggs in one basket, with no provisions for relief.

We could all write a book about living single. As with your Parents, my Parents & Grandparents worked as a team. There was never any of this present day paranoia that you see in these marriages. About 7 years ago, three of my old friends and myself organized(by me) a get together one afternoon at a mexican restaurant. Three of us were in one of the friend's wedding. Yes, the other three were married. One of the three didn't show, but called me on cell to tell me that he couldn't find our location. This was an outrageous lie. A second one got a phone call from his wife after he had been there only 2 hours, and he said he had to leave(via his wife's paranoia that he might be cheating). That left just the one friend that we were in the wedding and myself. Just before he and I left, his phone rang and it was his wife. I went away from that night thinking of how glad I was to be single, and HOW these other three friends could live like that. Two of the friends hadn't seen some of us for ~15 years!

In my business, I see it all the time where the married buyer trys to hide his purchase with cash, etc.. I'm even seeing an increase of people wanting 'me' to call them instead of the 'customer' calling the business! My Parents/Grandparents NEVER lived like all of this, and I won't either. Just like I see some married people, where their pet passes and the husband or wife is taking the death very hard, then the other spouse tells them they are acting foolishly in their grief!? I mean, what is that type of relationship all about??

Moon_Beam said it right as per her response about not being married, etc.. Our pets have never been given credit on what a major role they play in our daily lives, and then you look at their pitiful longevity with us.

Can you imagine what a beautiful world it would be if our companions, AT LEAST, lived to 20-30 years?

" One man asked me why I wasn't married. I told him "I haven't met anyone who could measure up to the standards of my dog." He then proceeded to inquire if it was because no man would "surrender" to me. I responded "no - - it is because I haven't met any man who would genuinely and completely love, honor, protect, and cherish me above all others." This man had no reply."........Moon_Beam, this man had no reply because he is part of the human race that is lost in their journey, even though they think they are heading in a 'right direction'. He had no clue what you were talking about.

"Sometimes when we find ourselves in intolderable circumstances all we can do is grind our teeth and endure through the darkness one step at a time."........This 'sometimes' has definitely come home to roost with me. I knew way ahead of time that loosing Steffie would me really bad. It would be 'one day at a time'.

" I remember this same feeling many times in my life, including after the automobile collision when everyone was telling me "to get on with my life." I kept asking "how", and no one could, or would, give me an answer."......When you had no response to 'how'?, this automatically reminds me of people the past weeks telling me to get another puppy, etc.. I didn't respond to any of them but I would think, "How, How could I get another one 'right now'? "What in the heck are you thinking?" "Is that all your pet represented to you while they were alive?"

" One of my siblings told me in recent years that my "standards" for a human life mate were "too high."........So you are to 'keep up with the Jones' and lower your standards so you can be like the majority. This somewhat reminds me of what I saw recently. I was driving near a nearby small university and had to stop at a red light. there were ~10 students waiting to cross the road in front of me. ALL of them had a smart phone in their hand staring at it, even as they proceeded across the intersection.

I refuse to be 'like everyone else'.

Thanks Moon_Beam for all you instill into me. You and SummerHolly have been God Sends. I don't know if I've contributed in anyway. Kind of why I thought I was previously being a nuisance. Kind of hard to give good coordinates when you're adrift in the middle of an ocean.

Above all, I hope you and Noah are doing well.

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me reassure you that you are not a nuisance. There are times in our lives when we need to lean on the comfort, support, encouragement, and hope through others while we strive to restore / re-establish our life's "bearings". Although there may be visitors to this website who read your forum but do not respond does not mean you are not being helpful to them - - it simply means they are either not ready or are unable to share their thoughts and feelings at this time. In sharing your journey, Earl, you are helping others - - many unknown to you now - - to find a way to cope with their loss as well.

Like you I have always preferred to be accepted for the unique individual I am instead of as another body in the "crowd".

I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Schatszie's, Steffie's, and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Earl, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Now that would be a fine thing if Holly and Steffie had lived all of our lives with us. Pets do play a major role and it is unfortunate that more credit is not given.. But that is humans for you. Dogs were an intergral part of our success as a species and have been intertwined with us for a very long time.

Yeah I like being single. I too have seen some weird stuff working in a male dominated industry and sport. I remember going on my yearly seasonal trip to an extreme sporting location with another girlfriend also into the sport, and my dogs. Most of my male friends would be there on their boys trip. Well one of the girlfriends rang me up and demanded that we didnt go, in case we tempted her man I guess. I told her that was her problem and nothing to do with me or my friend. I was going to do the sport, the last thing on my mind was her man, who by the way had been good friends with me long before her, and he was just a friend. We all had a blast and no man stealing went on LOL. If you cant trust and share with your partner then you have a problem I reckon.

Yes everyday I miss the things I did with Holly and the ways that she responded. I often try the same things with my other dogs and they obviously respond in different ways. I have to deal with this for sure and every day I miss and talk to my Holly. However my others and particularly my youngest have funny little ways of their own. All I can do is tune into this. There is a uniqueness about each dog.

Unlike you my first response when I lose a dog is to get another puppy. This time round I havent as I already have other young dogs. I just find puppies refreshing and enchanting and revitalising. For me it has nothing to do with the dog I lost. I hold each of then tight in my heart and remember them in detail. For me it is about renewing the joy I have in loving a dog. For me it is aboout giving another dog a chance of being loved. I think Holly would approve of that. In fact it almost heightens my feelings about the dogs I have lost. I cant explain it but that is how it makes me feel. I find it healing. Life is short and we deserve to be happy. Holly and I were happy, I loved Holly and made her happy. I want more dogs to be happy. I will never forget my Holly or any of them. Holly loved puppies and she always welcomed into the house, and she loved to play with them.

Yes I too had a serious head on high speed collision it took me out of my sport for nearly 2 years. It was the pits but no one died thank goodness. You do realise that you do have to get on with your life because no one really cares that much after a little while, as everyone is dealing with stuff in their lives. You kind of have to figure it out for yourself most times. I am always on the lookout for stuff and reinventing my life. Sometimes professional help can be really useful, I prefer to figure stuff out myself if I can..

Yeah the whole smartphone and selfies culture amuses me. I see a group of people out having lunch together and they are all glued to their phones. What the heck is that all about? I would have to keep getting my glasses out. Must be getting old. I like modern technology but I draw the line at that.

You deserve to be happy again Earl. I know the loss of Steffie has taken its toll and I understand the caregivers syndrome, which is probably a bit different to my experiences, although Holly had some major surgeries, it was not the same as with you and Steffie.

I dont know how you will work through this but it will be in your own way. The desire to be happy again is not to dishonour Steffie. If she looking down on you now she will want you to be happy that is for sure. It is unbearable sometimes their loss, I know but it is just not something we can control. What we can control is what happens next, we are masters of our destiny. I think each of my dogs have made me stronger, my Holly makes me stronger because I knew her and her pure love.

"Unlike you my first response when I lose a dog is to get another puppy. This time round I havent as I already have other young dogs. I just find puppies refreshing and enchanting and revitalising. For me it has nothing to do with the dog I lost. I hold each of then tight in my heart and remember them in detail. For me it is about renewing the joy I have in loving a dog. For me it is aboout giving another dog a chance of being loved. I think Holly would approve of that. In fact it almost heightens my feelings about the dogs I have lost. I cant explain it but that is how it makes me feel. I find it healing. Life is short and we deserve to be happy. Holly and I were happy, I loved Holly and made her happy. I want more dogs to be happy. I will never forget my Holly or any of them."......... Everyone knows whats best for them, so please don't think that I think less of someone else doing different than I. I know you and Moon_Beam 'now' understand why I'm having residual problems in consideration of getting another. It could be that I'm over-&%^yzing my situation, but, it's hard to explain really. It has to do with so many things,....1) 'Knowing' Steffie's life would be cut short and 'living with that' for a long, long time, 2) NEVER knowing 'when' the end was near, 3) Living with Steffie's 4th Stage Renal failure for 1.5 months, while watching her poor body dwindle to skin and bones. This particular health situation, I truly believe it is silently eating away inside of not only your companion, but 'you' yourself. You do not realize the damage to you till AFTER they are gone.

I simply cannot quit repeating myself as to how insidious 'PRIMARY' 'Protein Loosing' kidney disease is. I've often wondered which is worse, A) That your Pet is given a death sentence over an extended time period,...OR....2) They suddenly die.

" Sometimes professional help can be really useful, I prefer to figure stuff out myself if I can.."........For me, myself, the time spent here at this site with you and Moon_Beam has been totally beneficial for me, for. 'Professional Help' outside this scenario with you two, wouldn't accomplish a thing for 'Me'. Only 'I' can work through all of this.

Day by Day, I keep reminding myself of my age. Life is shorter now by the day. I 'KNOW' that 'IF' I ever consider another puppy, it will have to happen in the months to come.