Hi Moon_Beam, Make no mistake, your words of wisdom have been very helpful to me. I've looked forward to each day communicating with you as well as SummerHolly.

Stange as it is Moon_Beam, I have zero desire to talk to anyone except my Parents. I really have nothing to talk about. Only here, with you and SummerHolly do I feel free to talk, but anyone else, I feel as if I have to put on that 'Public Face' and be somebody else. It's not as if I'm depressed, its more like I'm saddened and nothing really has any significance. I eat and cleanup behind myself, etc.. Strange thing though, I've never had a drinking problem. Just a social drinker, taking in a beer here and there, especially in the summertime. Every since mid October when Steffie was loosing weight, I haven't had one beer, etc., and still do not have a taste for it or any alcohol. I sometimes wonder if my mornings will ever go back to normal, like what you were going through after your Mom passed.

For sometime now I've been needing to replace my pole that I have a guard light mounted on here. I spent the first part of this week completing that project, but the whole time I was doing the work there was just no enthusiasm on my part. I didn't hate the work while doing it, it was more like I was a robot. Strange to explain.

I was thinking today about your unfortunate encounter years ago with the Vet that threatened to take your companion from you. When I had first read this the other day, my first thought was that the Vet was trying to put a guilt trip on you, because he knew he had misdiagnosed previous signs/indications of CKF, whereby he was protecting himself from any potential legal problems. I have never heard of anything so outlandish in my life.

Well, I hope you and Noah had a wonderful day, and evening together as well.

Hi Earl, yes I understand what you mean about the positive and negative choices. Yes you are always wounded from loss, I know that feeling well. However I believe that you can choose to move forward in a positive way. After the loss of my 3yo dog, I took everything that I had learned in dealing with her issues and made some radical changes in my life. I could say that she changed the course of my life. I am who I am today because of the influences that each of my dogs have had on my life. I hopefully will continue to allow my dogs to help shape my life for the better.

Yes every morning if Holly was still in bed I would bend down and run my hand over her sweet soft body and she would give a huge stretch with the biggest grin on her face indicating to me how safe and loved she felt. I miss that so much.

Yesterday I spent quite a few hours backing up all the video I have of her and my other past dogs to make sure I always have a copy. I spent a few hours watching my sweet dogs as well. I lie in bed and picture in my mind the special moments I had with them. I try very hard to focus on these and it becomes easier with time. I try and use these memories to replace the terrible days and moments I had with them all leading up to their deaths.

I also intend to donate when I can to a shelter that does some awesome work rescuing and rehoming dogs.

Yes your comments on finding a teaching hospital are well founded. My friend who was a registrar at a big teaching hospital told me to go straight to where they have the equipment and specialists or you can spend a lot of money on tests only to be referred on eventually often having to start from scratch. For potentially serious or orthopedic situations I get a referral from my friend who is retired but still has her vet licence and straight to a surgeon I know and trust.

I have found these conversations with Moonbeam and yourself very much a life line in dealing with the loss of my Holly. It is great to be able to say how you are feeling over a period of tiem to people who dont get fed up with you or just think you are slightly crazy for making such a fuss over a dog. We didnt know each others dogs or cats but we do understand how deep the feelings for our special animals run and we share that knowledge.

I believe that there are ~500 genetic defects today in purebred dogs that affect the quality of life and longevity of them. Just like the AKC co-writing that 2012 Texas 'The Dog and Cat Breeders Act'. The problem with politicians, they are at a deadend in their lives, with no place to go, so they get into politics. Then they find themselves bored and pass laws that don't 'Go All The Way'. Their laws ALWAYS leaves an escape hatch for the wealthy. As per the AKC, one wouldn't really think their organization would allow their breeders to be handcuffed would you? $$$

The AKC, etc, could care less whether the breeder is doing in or linebreeding. They just want those new puppy registration funds coming in steadily. The AKC could EASILY and QUICKLY 'END' this insane in and linebreeding by not allowing any registration of such. Other than people like Moon_Beam, you and I, does anyone else really actually care about the health, longevity and wellbeing of our pets? Not really, ....there just a dog or cat....an animal with no soul, etc..

As I told Moon_Beam, other than this site, with you and him, I have nothing to discuss with anyone else. I can talk to my Parents/Sister about pets, etc., but seemingly no one else, either because they aren't really, truly animal lovers, or they don't look at a pet the way we do, as if their pet is just something hanging on their key chain. Never have understood WHY people like that have a pet. Beats the hell out of me.

Hope your days are getting better SummerHolly.

Hi Earl,

I think the problem is that anybody can breed showline dogs. You just need to register a prefix and buy a couple of pedigree dogs and off you go. There are some rules where I am, regarding having to do genetic tests on breeds where there has been a lot of written complaints which as forced the kennel club to take action. These include breeds like Rotttwiellers, labradors and other popular at risk dogs.

In terms of inbreeding, in working dogs this is sometimes used by knowledgeable working breeders to fix certain working traits and is a valuable tool. However the same breeders are not adverse to say mixing in a little bit of kelpie into their Border collies if the it strengthens the working line. They have their own working breed registers which have nothing to do with AKC style registers.

Above all the dogs on working registers have to be physically strong and sound or are culled quickly from any breeding program, the best breeders generally sell to stockmen and their reputation hangs on the quality and health of their dogs. Some working breeds registers can be quite difficult to register a prefix with and have many assessments and can take 2 years or more. Shonky breeders of working dogs are quickly exposed.

I suspect once you start breeding for looks and winning ribbons and selling to the ususpecting pet market things have gone bad for many breeds over the years. Inbreeding and line breeding have been increasingly used by people who have no idea how to use it or even how to calculate inbreeding coefficients I would suspect. Fashions in the showring have also lead to some bizaree features not always healthy for the dog.

Yes sadly we are going through the post Christmas dumping period at the moment with scores of puppies and young dogs being offloaded to the pounds. It also always apalls me as to how often people dump their old dogs when they tire of looking after them and want a young fun dog again. I think people often have pets for the wrong reasons.

I know one couple who treated their dog, who was sweet, loving and loyal like it was the most important thing in their life for 7 years untill they had kids and then the dog got booted outside and ignored. Fortunately a friend took action and basically adopted the dog and payed for any vet visits and surgery. These people would have left the dog outside too die or had her put down at the first hint of even a simple infection. The poor dog must have been very confused, from loved pet, to being booted outdoors in the freezing cold and boiling heat with not a single thought to her physical and mental welfare. I cant even begin to get into the head of someone who would do that.

My old dogs are incredibly precious, I couldnt imagine offloading them, how terrified and confused they would be. Maybe when I am too old to consider another pup, I will foster or rescue old dogs who deserve a peaceful loving retirement.

I do fortunately know some like minded people among my doggy friends, but I think we are likely outnumbered.

I guess you just have to write to the AKC if your breeder was registered with them, if enough people complain change can happen as I have seen here. Perhaps not to the extent we would like though. The best way would be to educate the buying public about what to look for or demand. Most people buying a pup trust breeders and have probably never heard of these terrible conditins untill they end up with a pet that has one.

And as for politicians OMG is all I can say. Their interest is purely short term to get elected at all costs, some of the things they do and say are astounding.

My Hero has always been Dr. Jean Dodds of Hemopet. She has devoted her life to 'Make Change', her against the world. Like her, I hope one day that 'Titers' will be acceptable in exchange of shooting up our pets with additional unneeded vaccines. But, it's doubtful because of Drug Company Lobbyists and slimeball politicians. I've tried to educate some people here and there about such, but it goes in one ear out the other. I don't even bother anymore. This includes my Sister. Shes always had very good luck with longevity with her pets. She has no clue as to the pain loosing one at an early age. She would never write a site like this one. She would consider a person doing such to be off balance so to speak. I don't tell anyone about writing this site. Here again, everybody is different, even you and Moon_Glow and I are technically different in some small way. As I've said before, being an introvert is a whole different world and you are outnumbered bigtime. Only another exact person with the exact same set of circumstances would understand the situation 1000%. I feel that you and Moon_Beam are about as close to an understanding friend as I could ever find for the situation at hand.

In fear of repeating myself SummerHolly, for me, Steffie dying at only 9 yrs old will forever haunt me, regardless of me knowing back in March 2011 that her life would be cut short. I have no more pride, spirit. Maybe I chose the wrong breed to fall in love with, but as I told the Lady with 'Big', every since I saw that Weimaraner riding to school on my bike, that was the dog for me. It has never had anything to do with all the hooplah that wellman created with his pictures of them. In fact, most GOOD Weim breeders have never liked Wellman for what he did, exploiting the Weim Breed.

With the cost of Vet care now, the situation of abandoned dogs will get extremely worse. You think it is bad now? Just wait. A snowball affect. The cost of going through Vet school and then tooling up your clinic, etc, etc......you are left with massive greed in the minds of these new vets entering the market. You think Vet care is expensive now,....Just wait.

I considered myself to be extremely lucky and fortunate for my Father helping with some of the expenses. Those days are long gone. One can dodge the issue as long as they desire, but, the average person will not be able to afford a pet and care for it like you, Moon_Beam and I have managed to do. I am yet to understand HOW my Sister affords the animal care bill she sustains. Yes, she has a good job at 62, but her time is coming, a time she will have to make a decision that will rock her world. Maybe at this 'time' she would have looked back and had more appreciation of the true pain I sustained in loosing Steffie, and especially at such a young age.

Yes the titer is still to be accepted. Because I trial my dogs I have to have vaccination certificates but the 3 year vaccines make it so you only have to vaccinate once every 3 years which is what I do.

I too have a favourite breed, Holly was a cattle dog and although I need Border collies for sheepwork I will always have a cattle dog in the mix. My latest recue dog is a farmbred cattle dog puppy dumped at the pound with her litter mates.

Yes the cost of becoming a vet and setting up is pretty big. I am fortunate that the small country town practice closest to me charges very affordable rates given the area does not have a lot of wealth with the droughts etc. The only catch is it does not offer an emergency or after hours service.

Yes we are all different with our own particular personalities and events that have shaped our lives. Over the years my family have lost young dogs to tragic accidents so it is certainly not an unknown feeling to me or my family. We are all animal crazy. I think it is just certain animals that really get to you regardless of age. Holly was one of those dogs to me. A dog so special that the pain of losing her has been very great. The fact that I didnt see it coming is what really haunts me. Yes being an introvert can almost certainly heighten the pain as they are often your world.

Yes I can understand your feelings about Steffie and the circumstances of her death. I guess that is where we differ somewhat in out approach. For me although the pain of losing a special dog or a young dog is very real, I am also driven on to love other dogs and to have them in my life. A life without a dog in it would be the end of me. It is as simple as that, I would find it hard to function. Therin lies who I am.

I love my dogs, I lose them, I carry each one in my heart, I grieve and cry for their loss and then I love another. I dont forget any of them, I collect them in my heart. They make my life richer, that is their gift to me. My gift to them is to kep them safe and loved. My spirit is uncrushable when it comes to loving dogs. Came close with Holly but I know she would want me to continue on.

As I age however I will aim to just have one dog I think.


I have no problem writing on a site like this. You just have to read the other posts to know there is real pain and that quite a few people are on their own and looking for support and understanding that is likely difficult to get in their normal lives. Sometimes you just need a place to talk about what you are going through with out fear of being looked upon as slightly crazy. It is acceptable to grieve for a person publicly but less so for a pet I guess.

I dont know much about the Weim breed. They are not very common where I live although I do know a very handsome Weim bitch that I see at dog sport trials.

I know you feel that you will not recover from the loss of Steffie I dont really have anything useful to add to that except that there is always this site to talk things through.

As you know, there is zero difference between '1 yr'....'2yr'....'3yr' vaccines. It was just the politician's ways of 'giving ground' from all the pressures/complaints of 'Overvaccinating'. All of them know the longevity of vaccines and it all goes back to drug co. money.

I never said that life was fair. I'm glad you are making progress concerning Holly. The seven years of dealing with Steffie's issues left me branded. You would have to walk in my shoes to truly understand my outlook on so many things. I sure as heck don't want to go through the rest of my life being paranoid about getting another companion, but, it's inevitable. I will always wonder, out of ALL the dogs, why Steffie. Why?

The older I get the more I come to realise that there are many challenges in life and not all have a happy ending for sure. We all have our stories and events and tragedies that have shaped who we are and I also think our own personalities will determine often how we process our lives. Nature and Nuture.

I think we all think at some stage of our lives why this particular animal or person dear to us has got the rough end of the deal. The only solution to an event that we had no eventual control over is within ourselves, and may simply be unsolvable.

Yes I feel I am making progress dealing with the loss of Holly. I talk to her every day and I miss her like crazy. I want her back and I still find it quite difficullt to really acknowledge that she is not coming back. There are echoes of her every where and every day as I go about life with my other dogs. She is never far from my thoughts.

"and I still find it quite difficullt to really acknowledge that she is not coming back. There are echoes of her every where and every day as I go about life"...........Yes, as with you of Holly, these are my daily obstacles I try to deal with. Yesterday, I had to get all of my invoices together to pay the State Comptroller the State sales tax, and as I was going through them as well as all other receipts, I would progress through the 2014 months. Looking at the baby food on tickets that I bought for use as a carrier for supplements in the oral syringe. As I progressed through the months knowing she was still alive and doing fairly well, until I got to Setember through November.

Summerholly, I had told Moon_Beam early on that I didn't want to become a nuisance on this site, and it is apparent that I'm becoming somewhat of one. Its a great feeling to know you aren't being perceived as 'Crazy' when discussing such at this site, and you and Moon_beam have been a God Send. I hope, somehow, I have contributed to you, etc.. I would hope to think that we all could remain in contact with each other, being friends. Someone that you could contact, a shoulder to cry on, someone that wouldn't perceive you to be 'Crazy'. I hope I haven't worn out my welcome here, for I know I couldn't have talked this long about Steffie with anyone else, period. People like you and Moon_Beam are rare.

I will leave my email address if thats OK. I would like to think that we all have become friends and we can 'check-in' on each other as time flys by.

I wish you and Moon_Beam the very best.

Regards,

Earl Email: <L88RAT@NETSCAPE.COM>

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please know you are NOT a nuisance. Your deep grief is perfectly normal - - and individually painful - - each of us understand this. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. There are no "strangers" here, Earl. Although we will never personally meet one another during our earthly journeys, we share a friendship that is especially unique - - for we are brought together by the eternal love of our beloved companions who guide us here to be among others who truly understand the deepest sorrow we will know on this side of eternity.

Please know you can always personal message me through this site, Earl, and I will always write back as soon as I can. I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's, Schatszie's, and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Earl, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

" Your deep grief is perfectly normal "........Moon_Beam, Yes Sir, it is normal here as both you, SummerHolly and I(others) know it, but no where else, except maybe your Vet, depending on your relationship with them. 'Its Us against the world'.

It was that I haven't been making very much progress, whereby probably talking somewhat in cicles about Steffie.

I will share this with you before closing. I had previously mentioned I had been through some dead end relationships. I had gotten Schatszie in 1993. Whenever I couldn't take her with me somewhere, it was the biggest welcome home party at the gate, upon my return, that one had never seen,....AND IT WAS 'FOR REAL'. After all the previous lies, manipulation, falsehoods,....Schatszie convinced me there was a better way to live. Then came Steffie. Through all of this, I've dodged many arrows from friends, etc, telling me to get dates, relationships, I needed to be married, and even comments that when Steffie was gone that to start living., and on. No doubt I have a lonely life ahead, but, for me, guess I wouldn't have it any other way.

You and Noah have a blessed evening.

I think you can talk as much about Steffie as you like on this site without becoming a nuisance. This where you can come to talk about how you are feeling about it all.

You know there are statistically a lot of people who live on their own. Being on your own doesnt neccessarily equate to being lonely regardless of what other people say or think. No one needs to be married or with someone to be happy living life.

Honestly, I felt like I was going in circles as com pared to your progress SummerHolly. As probably with you, I'm surrounded by married friends. I've never let any of their comments affect me as per living single. Besides, at some point everyone will be by themselves eventually, unless both spouses pass at the very same time.

I'm fooling myself to think I couldn't get another companion. I've NEVER been without one, or 8 months at the longest after Schatszie.

I tell you what though, and I don't know how your mornings are at the present, but, something has got to get better for my mornings. They are still just hell after I wake up. Then it hits again before going to bed. I just simply cannot shake my problem with Steffie dying at 9. I just can't accept it.

I texted my Vet last Friday and told her that I was still having a problem adjusting and that I suspected the breeder long ago, before Steffie's kidney problem survived. That I really couldn't trust another breeder, even though there are good ones.

My Vet responded, "I'm sure you had to have been frustrated living with Steffie with all the issues. There are bad experiences with breeders, just as there are good ones. Same as with a shelter, pet store, although more with a pet store. When you feel you are ready, let me know and I will help you find the right one."

SummerHolly, the truth of the matter, for my situation, I'm obviously at a crossroad, and I simply do not know how to get past Steffie being robbed of a longer life. If my mornings would get better, that would be a monumental improvement.

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please believe when I share with you that it can feel for a very long time during the grief journey that you are going in circles - - that "nothing" is getting better. I know that from first hand experience. I also TOTALLY SUPPORT the wise words SummerHolly shared with you: "I think you can talk as much about Steffie as you like on this site without becoming a nuisance. This where you can come to talk about how you are feeling about it all. You know there are statistically a lot of people who live on their own. Being on your own doesnt neccessarily equate to being lonely regardless of what other people say or think. No one needs to be married or with someone to be happy living life." Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I am a single, never-married, person as well, Earl. I grew up in an abusive atmosphere and in a religious denomination that supported the ideology that women have no rights. Sadly, my siblings occasionally let me know that they think I personally have "no rights" to live my life as I feel the happiest - - that I am not "acceptable" as I am for who I am. And I have been told by both my siblings and numerous others throughout my life that "everything would be okay if you would just change." They are entitled to their opinion - - and thankfully I am now at a point in my life when I embrace the fact that I am entitled to my own life regardless of what anyone else thinks.

I am so glad you received the response from your vet letting you know she is there for you to help you - - if ever - - you may consider embracing a new companion. Her offer for assistance does NOT mean you "have to" adopt another companion. Whatever decision YOU make regarding this, Earl, will be the RIGHT ONE for you.

I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, Earl. I know all too well from first hand experience how very painful the deep grief is. But I promise you it will not always be this way. For now you just need to "hang on" and keep focused on just taking one day at a time, one moment at a time, and know that we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step you take. Don't worry about the "half step forward, ten steps backward" - - because that's a part of this grief adjustment journey.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's, Schatszie's, and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Earl, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moon_Beam, sounds like we could co-author a book. No one in my Family ever divorced except my only sibling, older Sister. She's been married 3 times. Half of my old friends have been married twice. Me, just never was in the right place at the right time, etc.. Actually, my hobbies, etc through the years would have never mixed with a serious relationship, etc., and I do not regret the direction I chose. Actually, most darts that have been thrown my way through the years were jealousy related. I really don't think many people are as happy in their marriage as they would lead you to believe.

I appreciate your Positive guidance Moon_Beam, and maintaining the 'Welcome Mat' here for me, as with SummerHolly. As you would assume, I reached the 'Dead End' of the road weeks ago as per discussing Steffie with anyone else outside this site, and I'm sure SummerHolly has too.

Moon_Beam, I think about your situation of Noah probably being your last companion. I know this is not easy for you to accept, but, you're being responsible/logical. Even though I'm 60, I still do the math if I was to get another companion. I and no one else in my family has ever put their pet in a boarding place. Our pets either went with us on vacation, or we didn't take a vacation. Even though my health is good, I could never accept having to board my pet in the next 10-12 years if I had to go into the hospital, etc.. I wouldn't trust anyone to leave my pet with them.

There are so many 'positives' when I had Schatszie and Steffie(being with them 24/7, etc) that should be helping me get better, but, its not. I do truly realize that they were extremely lucky to have come to my home, as well as myself.

Things could be a lot worse, as my Vet didn't have to respond to my text, as well as offer to help me find another companion.

I think I have been reasonably lucky. Independence in women in the family was encouraged even back in a different era. I have some very interesting great and great great aunts who pursued amazing careers, and a very eccentric grandmother. The men were fabulous too. No divorces that I know of.

When I was a little younger I liked pursuing extreme sports which were not entirely conducive to getting married when you are a female extreme sport addict. I had good male friends and in the end it was less complicated to keep it that way. So I am entirely comfortable with being single. People just accepted me for who I was and if they didnt it didnt bother me. I have a mix of married and single friends. By nature I am a risk taking introvet LOL quite happy doing my own thing on my own and didnt pay too much mind to what people thought

My dogs have been central to enjoying life as a single and they travelled far and wide with me as I pursued my sport passions. Camped out in the tray of my truck with me in some wild and extraordinary places. Quite a few of my good friends did the same with their dogs as companions.

These days I trial my dogs through the year with and equally interesting array of people both single and married with one passion in common being dogs.

Getting back to how I am dealing with the loss of Holly, you know I miss her and think about her everyday. What helps me move on is that I have my other dogs to consider. They welcome me enthusiastically when I get home and I do stuff with them, training for trials. I am never alone when I have them. Work also keeps me busy and my mind from dwelling too much.

So although I am always thinking of Holly and sometimes an echo of her hit me pretty hard during the day or night I still have a lot of stuff that I enjoy about my life and my other dogs.

The reason I stay on this site is because I most definitely havent moved on from missing her and it gives me the opportunity to share the pain with other people who are feeling the same pain.

Earl I know you are struggling with coming to terms with losing Steffie at her age, moving past this and questioning if you could ever have another companion. I guess you just have to keep sharing those thoughts if it helps. Time may help eventually and maybe one day things may come a little clearer. It seems that we each have to go through an indivdual process based on our unique set of circumstances and personalities. One thing is clear that it does help to share those thoughts with people who do understand even though you have never met them and it perhaps lets us explore what we are feeling more readily.

I truly didn't want to quit communicating with you and Moon_Beam. I look forward everyday to replying. It has to be healthy vs. total silence. I can't really talk to anyone else about 'everyday topics'. I receive joke emails from other people but I can't get myself to laugh at it. In fact, a retired Air Force Col called me last week to see if I was still alive. He lives in Alabama. The last time I communicated with him was mid Oct, and told him about all the negatives that were happening at the same time, and that Steffie became terminal with limited days left. He told me he knew something was wrong when he sent me an outrageous email and I didn't respond. Since Oct, I've never opened anyone's emails, unless it was business related. He used to be President of his local SPCA and he shared many stories as well as his own personal companions.

I used to have a great sense of humor, even through the past 3.5 years, as I tried to not think about Steffie's longevity, but instead, that we were both immortal. Now? I only force myself to smile/laugh if put into a public position to do so.

Don't know if you have ever faced this decision with any of your companions. I often think back in 2011 when I took Steffie to the A&M University Clinic, after they found the Protein-Losing kidney problem, and the lead Vet came into the room to discuss options with her issue. One of which was a kidney biopsy to dtermine the 'Cause'. He explained the risks of the procedure and the cost would be $1,000.00. The cost was alarming, but I asked him,..."So if the biopsy is successful, and there are no complications during or after the procedure, and you can treat the 'Cause', will that put the 'Protein-Losing' into remission?" He said no, that it was irreversible, and if the treatment was successful, it would help to add days or months. I told him 'No'. Since Steffie has been gone, I constantly relive that day when I said 'No', that maybe I should have agreed, but then, She lived another 3.5 years where it is at best 4 years expectancy with this form of kidney disease. I still think I made the correct decision to say no, for hemorrhage was one of the possible complications and would require surgery, as well as the biopsy sample is not always successful in being diagnosed. Besides, I didn't think it was good to create a wound in something that was already stressed. Money was not the issue,.....I would have robbed a bank(so to speak), whatever it took to make Steffie survive. Needless to say, I have beat myself up unmercifully since shes been gone, over things that are simply unwarranted. Yes, she was blessed the day she came home with me as a puppy. I've always done things to perfection, and I've always taken myself for granted,....call it a form of geed,...'I always expect more out of myself'. SummerHolly, I think you can relate to this carbon copy, from what you have told me about yourself, especially relating to your sports background.

When I got out of college, the very first thing I did was start looking for an old corvette(late 50's to mid-60's models) to restore. I had already taught myself many, many things, whereby I would do all the work myself. My goal was to totally disassemble and reassemble. I was already a perfectionist, distilled into me via my Father and his Father. I'm simply &%^ytical by birth and habit. It has been rediculous for me to beat myself up, questioning myself 'IF' I did everything I should have for Steffie. To 'Me', her not living out her life doesn't work with me, I must have missed something, but I know I didn't. The sad thing is, that PLN Kidney disease 'Cannot Be Beat',....as of now. It devours the best of the best and it takes no prisoners. It beat me, and I just can't accept it. For the rest of my life, I will forever wonder 'WHY' it had to be Steffie. Everything about Steffie was unique, mostly because of her size being smaller than most Weims. She was always selfconscious of her size, but she never gave in. Steffie was in a category, that you never see in dogs, and I never will again. I know everyone thinks that about their companions, and I'm not portraying her to be better or superior than any other one. Not at all. The story is just too complicated and long.

You had previously spoke about how you were resilient by nature. I can relate, I've had to be resilient in my life, except for one huge weak link,........Companion Death. It literally disassembles me leaving a pile of bolts and parts, and it all originated with Victor. My family never grieving has been a factor too. I never have been able to understand how and why my other family members could be so compassionate towards animals/pets, but not grieve after they are gone. Then there is me.

Hope you have a blessed day.

I was reading an interesting perspective form a vet today whose own personal beliefs are that we probably inflict unecessary procedures on our animals in the quest to delay their deaths by months. This may involve risky surgeries and having to stay in vet hospital, brutal drugs etc.

Your story of you being offered the kidney biopsy reminds me of this. I know my vet friend said to me, "if you had known about Holly's cancer earlier would you seriously have inflicted major surgery on an old dog?". The answer is probably not.

I still beat myself up for not recognising that there was a problem though. I have had situations like that through my life of owning animals and they can still haunt me today.

On the subject of prolonging a life by months with high risk treatments I am pretty sure now that I wouldnt inflict that on an animal of mine. Our gift to them is reduce the amount of time they feel unwell and stressed. We might choose to endure such treatments for ourselves but our pets dont understand and they are happiest safe at home with us for what ever length of time they have. They dont measure that time, it is only us that does that and suffers guilt trips, thaty we didnt do enough. Sometimes it is kindest just to ease their passing as comfortably as possible.

I think we do meet particualrly unique animals in our lives. I have had quite a few animals in my life and there have been several that have stood out by their personalitiies and interactions with me. For me Holly was one of those. She was an incredibly special dog to me, Idoubt I will ever experience a dog quite like her again. So I understand it makes theit passing all the more difficult, like an extension of yourself has been cut away. I still get flashes where I think Holly is still here, just for a few seconds and then I remember she has gone.

We are the keepers of that unique soul, no one else will grieve for them like we do each for our special one. They live and die with us, but I am eternally thakful that I had my Holly in my life.

The trouble is that one eventually learns in life that there are some things that are simply out of our control. It doesnt matter how &%^ytical you are or rich you are, they are simply organic and will unfold in a way that leaves us feeling somewhat helpless. I think that was the hardest thing for me to understand that I simply couldnt fix what was happening to my special girl. Just like you with your Steffie. I am a fixer by nature, regardless what the problem is I always believe I can find a solution, this time however I was completely unable to do a thing except give Holly the release from sickness.

I know people who love their pets but find it reletively easy to move on. I guess that is a fairly practical approach. Love them, care for them, give them a great life , let them go and do the same for another animal. These are often family dogs and perhaps not so tightly bonded to one person. Perhaps we have a different relationship where the dogs become part of the fabric of us.

Mind you a lot of stockmen are like that even if they do have a very close relationship with their working dog. They remember them fondly and tell stories of them but they move on to a new dog and a new bond.

Today was a really missing Holly day for me. I hope you are doing okay although I know you are struggling with why it had to be your special Steffie. I guess it was either the rotten luck of the draw or some design to it depending in what your belief system is. Steffie had the best life possible with you and maybe that is why she came to you.

Those were very wise words from your Vet friend. A good example is approving 'canine kidney transplant'. Survival rate of such isn't promising, and if someone approved it for their pet and they died as a result, THEN they would be ridden with guilt that they could have had those remaining days/months/etc with their companion. I also think that $1,000.00 is rediculous for a kidney biopsy. I shouldn't say this, but lets face it,......you are desperate for your pet's survival and Vets know this, irregardless if you are at a University Clinic or the local. Technically, it boils down to $$, and 'That Ain't Right'!

I suspected sometime ago that we are both going through some 'extended hard times' BECAUSE both Holly & Steffie had personalities that we've never seen before. They did all these different many things we've never seen. Things that only you or I would know. Only you and I are privy to 'these things'.This, of course, as you know, is what I was talking about. 'This' and what Steffie went through, especially at the last, is 'Why' I said I couldn't ever do this again. There is pain and there is a different form of severe pain associated with the grief with such a loss, and theres not another soul that would understand all of this except, simply, 'You about Holly', and 'I about Steffie'. An example for me with Steffie,....EVERY SINGLE TIME we would go riding in vehicle, when I would be coming back to car from store, Steffie was ALWAYS sitting in the driver's seat behind the wheel for 9 straight years. I will tell you,....Now.....when I return to vehicle and not seeing her head above the steering wheel,.....it's like running a wooden splinter under my fingernails. I'm sure Holly did many things that others pets you've had never did.

As per you not seeing something wrong with Holly ahead of time,...Animals, especially dogs, are magicians at hiding pain or problems from us. Sometimes they make it obvious with 'not eating'.....'cough'...etc..

Yes, theres no doubt that both Holly and Steffie became part of us totally. I will tell you, and again, I'm not looking for sympathy or feeling sorry for myself,......If I was to come down with a serious, life threatening illness right now, it would be a blessing to me. As my Mother would say, 'Quit being Morbid'. Well, maybe I am being extreme, but, I can't lie about how I feel. Loosing Steffie and the aftermath has been the very same ordeal that spouses go through after many, many years of marriage together, just like your Mother. So many times when one spouse paases the other one is soon to follow. Where has it been written or documented that we should be different about a 'Just A Dog'.

I wish there were many, many more people in this life like yourself, Moon_Beam and I, but, you gotta search really hard to locate them.

I hope these 'waves' of pain get better for you. The 'waves' for me are usually triggered by something, many things. For me, I think I will know I'm getting better when I can once again laugh at something.

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share with us: "If I was to come down with a serious, life threatening illness right now, it would be a blessing to me." Painfully, this too is a part of the excruciating process of re-inventing our daily routines that no longer includes the physical needs of our beloved companion. During their earthly journey with us our companions literally become the center of our universe. When they precede us to the angels, our lives are literally turned upside down and inside out. This grief journey cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - for we are literally faced with the enormous task of re-defining our lives - - which can only be done one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.

The good news is that one day - - very likely when you least expect it - - you will find yourself smiling - - and laughing - - and you will feel your heart fill once again with the warmth of your beloved Steffie's sweet Living Spirit smiling and laughing with you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's, Schatszie's, and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Earl, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam