Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is a very normal part of this deep grief journey when you share with us: "There is absolutely nothing exciting about 'eating' anymore. Then when I eat, its like I'm forcing the food down not enjoying each and every bite. Everything(work, projects around here) you have to force yourself to start it, let alone finish it." When we are in very deep grief, we go into what I call "automatic pilot" - - chores get done, bills get paid, jobs are done, errands are done, etc. - - but it is without "feeling" a part of the activity. It's like we are functioning on "remote control." Also, when we are in deep grief, our minds and bodies literally go into survival mode to cope with the stress of grieving - - which produces physical symptoms of lack of appetite, lack of concentration, lack of energy / enthusiasm, etc.. This is one of the many reasons why it is important to keep the stress levels as minimal as possible and to not make any life changing decisions until the stress of grieving hs eased - - unless the decisions are vital for survival / protection, etc..

I can also relate to what you share with us: "I still have my/his saddle in my closet. His name was tooled into the top back edge of seat." It was only until this past summer when I was able to donate several items to a local no kill shelter that belonged to several of my companions who have been with the angels for several years now - - things that could indeed help make another companion's life easier. I still have other items that I will never part with during the remainder of my earthly journey. Because we are still in the physical realm of this side of eternity we need the tangible things that we can see and touch that can keep alive the memories we share with our beloved companions who are with the angels.

I perfectly understand how the physical loss of your beloved Victor impacted your responses to the future losses of your beloved companions, Earl. I still remember the day my little "brother" kitty companion William Ferocious transitioned home to the angels, and why. I was a very young child and even then I felt like a part of me had gone with him. Willie had a brave spirit - - hence his middle name "Ferocious" - - for nothing dissuaded his curiosity - - and was always gentle with me. Unfortunately there was no such thing as grieving for the loss of a beloved companion, so I was alone in my grief, and no patience for it. It was not until my early adult years that my mom began to understand how much I hurt from that and how much it had affected me, and she grieved with me when my feline companion who had shared my teenage years went home to the angels. Even though our society still struggles with acknowledging the grief felt for a beloved companion, fortunately now clinical professionals recognize that the physical loss of a beloved companion does form the process of how a person copes with losses in the future.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's, and all of your beloved companions', sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Moon_Beam, "Unfortunately there was no such thing as grieving for the loss of a beloved companion, so I was alone in my grief, and no patience for it".......Yes are so right about this and I got to thinking back when I was young and all the funerals I attended on my Mother's Mother family. It was a large family. I NEVER saw anyone crying, never. As per myself growing up, when we lost a pet companion, we were not to grieve. Then when I lost Schatszie, my Mother made a comment to me that "I was being Morbid". Her comment hurt, hurt really bad, as if I was to move on. I believe I've even spoke of my Sister how she reacts when loosing a companion,....'I've NEVER seen her cry'. I must be like my Father's Father. He always buried his dogs in a wooden box and put a toomstone on their grave. I think he was a magician in hiding his emotions, for I know he always took it hard.

But it is so true that years ago, you didn't or you weren't allowed to grieve, especially after loosing your Pet Companion.

Moon_Beam, I didn't really feel like writing the full story about 'Victor' today, but I will in the next day or so. After reading it, I think you'll understand my inability to handle death like most and/or my 'morbidity', then not wanting to go through this again. I think that a human can sustain just so many major wounds. I admire your 'Old School' abilities to move forward, which were inherited from your generation. Without your generation for leadership, there really is no hope left for this country. As per my generation(60 yrs old), from what I see, there are only a few of us benevolent stagglers left.

It was good to hear from you, for, when I didn't hear from you yesterday, I thought something might have happened to you and Noah.

Hope you and Noah have a peaceful evening at home.

Regards,

Earl

Yes for a long time Holly slept on one side of my bed. I had to cut the legs off when she had cruciate surgery so she wouldn't hurt herself getting on.

She always rode in the front seat of my car with me round the farm while the others were in the back. I must say I lost a lot of interest in doing things after she was gone but with sheep to feed and other dogs to take care of and outside part time work I had to keep going although my heart was very heavy. People at work were quite good as they know I live for my dogs and they coped with the odd tear or two in the early days.

Yes a lot of ones daily activities holds such strong imprints of our beloved dogs that it can set you right back. Everything I do holds echoes of my Holly as does Steffie for you. She was my best friend, I don't think anyone knew me better than my dog. They also accept you unconditionally for who you are and you are their world.

So many memories of them are so etched in out life, I often feel guilty about all sorts of things. I know for me things will get better but it is hard work. My other dogs give me comfort but also remind me of what I have lost. However I don't think I could exist out here without dogs in my life. I have resigned myself to dealing with each of their loss as part of the joy they give me from their being in my life. I know I will have to go through this at least 6 more times and some will hurt more than others but they will all be hard.

Sounds like you must have had a very traumatic experience with Victor. I know it doesn't help much but that dream you had of Steffie was a gift. Maybe a gift from her to help ease the pain. I think our dogs would like to see us happy. I do hope you are able to find a way forward to find some peace from all this. I am struggling but I know I will get there in the end. I hope the same for you.

Moon_Beam brought up a subject that I guess I never thought about growing up, guess because I was somewhat 'programed'. No one grieved or didn't show signs years ago. As I told Moon_Beam, of all the family funerals and lost pets, no cried. To this day, my Parents have just now become somewhat 'Soft' but they still shed no tears. Not even my Sister.

Hearing you speak of Holly riding up front and sleeping next to you, I know these have been special areas to overcome in your grieving, and I'm sure like me, the mornings are the worst, for they still are for me. Talking about Holly being able to jump into your bed, reminds me at a couple of days there at the last for Steffie, when she was becoming weeker, one night she just HAD to show me that she was able to jump onto the bed by herself. She backed off to get a running start and made it. I commended her and patted her saying 'You Made It!" and she got the biggest smile on her face. When Schatszie was in her final days, I would have to lift her up onto the truck seat. The look on her face doing so was one of total embarressment. Dogs are very proud creatures, proud of their abilities on their own.

Yes, it was an extremely traumatic event loosing Victor. At some point I'll tell the story. No one in my family ever talked about it from day 1.

What gets me SummerHolly, and I'm being totally honest, I keep hearing about how one should think about all the good times, but it simply does not work for me. Interesting how certain things work for certain people or maybe their particular situation. I just fear that this is going to be a long, hard road ahead with not even a shed of light at the end of the tunnel for a long time. I wish against wish that I could show some form of positive like you real soon, but it just ain't happening. I DO NOT say this for personal sympathy from anyone. I wish I had Moon_Beams abilities to overcome.

Have a good day with all your buddies SummerHolly. I'm sure their smiles and wagging tails each morning when you wake, help you a great deal. They make you feel wanted, they want you to lead them, they need you. That in itself is a wonderful feeling.

Earl

No it doesnt work for everyone. My mother lost my dad her soul mate some 20 years ago now. We watched him battle with cancer and lose. She told me that from that day forward she basically lost interest in food and life in general and has battled depression ever since as he was her rock. I think it is myself and my sister that have kept her going.

She has missed dad from that day forward and although we talk about the good times we shared as a family she really cant take to much of it before she doesnt want to talk about it anymore as it always slides back to those last days.

It has been very difficult for her and I recognise that perhaps even more so after losing Holly. Even though I missed and dreamt about dad for many years, his coming to me in a dream like your Steffie seemed to help me and I was able to move past the grief eventually.

However she has coped and done many things, it just has been very hard for her. From what you are saying I suspect it is somewhat the same for you at the moment. My mother and I tend to have very different personalities and I think maybe therein lies the different ways people deal with grief and loss. I tend to be innately more positive than my mother about many things. Although perhaps not so much about the way the human race is heading which is why I like to stick to my farm surrounded by my dogs and nature, it gives me a lot of happiness as well as more than the odd headache!.

Yeah I cant really say anything to help you out because I know from experience it can go any way and when and if it will end I dont know. I just do understand the pain you are in and it is indeed a dark place.

And yes dog are indeed proud creatures Holly thought she was invincible even when her body was becoming frail and would attempt things really only suited to a younger stronger dog. Occassionally she would hurt herself and cry and I would hold her tight to me until she felt better. I loved the feel of her soft body and the trust she had in me to make her better.

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for your concern about my precious Noah and me. I shared most of Christmas day with my brother and his family who live in the next town, and so I take time to get Noah adjusted back to his normal routines, which limits my computer time until things are back to "normal."

I so do understand your lament to our forum friend SummerHolly when you say: "I just fear that this is going to be a long, hard road ahead with not even a shed of light at the end of the tunnel for a long time." Clinical professionals recognize that the first year of grieving the loss of a loved one - - whoever the life form - - is a "long, hard road" because it is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure - - and all the special events such as anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, vacations, etc.. It seems that every minute of every hour of every day is a constant grievous reminder that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us. It can indeed feel like there is "no light at the end of the tunnel". And as you commented in one of your recent posts, just when you think the worst is behind you then "something" - - a song, a memory, - - "something" happens that can throw us back into a cycle of deep grief again.

This is a normal part of the grief adjustment journey, Earl, but I promise you it will not always be like this. But for now - - and for as long as you need us - - please know we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your grief journey to share with you the not so bad days, the not so good days, and the days when your heart feels like it can no longer endure the deepest burden of your sorrow.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's, and all of your beloved companions', sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Good Morning Moon_Beam, Glad to hear you and Noah are doing fine. "and the days when your heart feels like it can no longer endure the deepest burden of your sorrow".......yesterday was one of those days. The mornings when I wake up are just pitiful. I am certain that most all others have the same problem with their 'mornings'. I'm getting very tired of 'faking it'.....putting on my 'public face' whenever I go out into the public. Then yesterday evening when I called my Parents, my Mother, bless her heart, asked how Steffie was doing. She loved Steffie very much as well as Steffie her. Alz is such a hideous disease. My Mother detected that my voice reflected unhappiness, and suggested that I needed to get another puppy. My Mother in particular has never shown signs of grievance. Although she meant well, her suggestion was not helpful.

Moon_Beam, I don't have much to say today. I guess I'm trying to 're-group'. I sometimes think I should have a visit with my Vet, hoping that she would say the words I need to hear. It seems that no matter all the battles I fought for Steffie's health, as well as her for her own, I'm still 'Lost' because I no longer have that young child to make well again. My 'Young Child' died before I did.

Hope you and Noah have a wonderful day and evening together. I envy your mornings when you awake with Noah. It 'IS' a grand feeling, is it not?

Regards,

Earl

I'm very, very sorry about your Dad, being taken at such a young age. You do not see a marriage like your Parents any more. I know that your Mother's depression wears on you and your Sister. Actually I never got married because I never found anyone whom could meet the standards. Standards of women like my Mother and Grandmothers. I finally threw in the towel after dead end relationships, and about the same time I had gotten Schatszie as a puppy.

With so much on your platter, Holly was your escape and/or solitude.

I don't know how your Mother has coped as such for such a long time.

For some time now, I've observed our society as one massive conglomeration of zombies. When Steffie was alive, it was water on the ducks back, and I went on down the road. But now, I just hate things more. I do not like most people and have become somewhat of a recluse. I can't tolerate the majority of TV shows. Maybe my Mother is right, .....maybe another older friend was right, when suggesting that I should get another puppy. Is their wisdom superior to mine?

I go by what my gut tells me. Like your Mother, my gut tells me that I will never have another dog like Steffie, let alone Schatszie. Steffie broke the mold for so many reasons and the way she did things. There is simply no way around this fact, and it would forever haunt me with a new friend. I would expect too much.

I personally am just so tired of hurting, with seemingly no relief seen up ahead. If only someone would come forth and supply the miracle anecdote. But, in reality, it doesn't exist.

I apologize for being so negative today. If only I could find a way to be 'positive' about 'something'.

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can very much understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "The mornings when I wake up are just pitiful." Waking up to the "new reality" that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us is indeed heartbreaking. When our companions are physically with us they literally become the center of our universe for they are totally dependent upon us for their every need physically, emotionally, and medically. Our routines revolve around their needs. When they precede us to the angels, we are now faced with the horrendously painful task of "re-inventing" our lives that no longer includes the needs of our beloved companion, and this is one of the many reasons why this grief adjustment journey is so very painful both emotionally and physically, and one of the many reasons why this journey can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.

I'm so sorry your Mother is challenged with Alzheimer's, and sorry you are having to cope with her insensitivity to your sorrow. Please know we are here for you to share whatever is in your heart - - whatever you feel comfortable sharing with us - - whenever you wish to share it with us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's, and all of your beloved companions', sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Earl, I too have had dead end relationships in my life and like my current life on my farm with my animals. I find dogs and a few close friends much more satisfying.
Holly was also a one off for me. I don't think I will ever love another dog as much as I loved her but I still enjoy the company of dogs far too much not to have them in my life. I currently have my youngest asleep on my foot as I write this.

I would never presume to tell you what you should do as I do not know you but I personally would be looking for another puppy. You still have many years ahead of you. Each dog has its own personality and we also influence the dog that they become.
Sure I have been comparing Holly to my other dogs but I will slowly get over that as I allow their personaiities to unfold. My youngest dog is particularly engaging, with a very quirky personality that I am really starting to enjoy.

I also get tired of hurting and my innate nature is to find something positive and for me having a dog or dogs in my life does that.

You have had two much loved dogs each with their own personalities and each bringing you much joy. I can't see why you couldn't love having another in your life. It sounds to me you are just plain miserable without one in your life. It will never devalue the memories of Schatszie or Steffie. My Holly will always burn brightly in my heart and I can never replace that amazing dog but I can love others and allow them to bring me joy.

Believe me when I say that I value your opinion very highly, just as I would Moon_Beam. I feel that there are many parallels with your's and my situation. I'm fully aware that I could never replace Steffie, as I knew I couldn't replace Schatszie when I got Steffie. I do know that Steffie brought many, many joys back into my life that were hidden in grief. As I have stated before, I do not think I will ever be able to shake Steffie only living to be only 9 yrs old, with only having her first three yrs of life with no medical issues.

I just read the present ongoing situation of the person's weimaraner 'Big'. The situation is an absolute carbon copy of Schatszie, except Schatszie quit eating. God, I feel so badly for them, especially due to the fact that Big is still eating. Unfortunately, the decision is centered around Big's 'Pride' and their inability to run, jump, etc., etc.. I feel this person's pain like it was happening to me and Schatszie in April of 2005.

Like you, I will know that things are getting better when I finally can wake up to a new morning without tears.

I Thank You SummerHolly for your wisdom at a time when you are hurting also.

Regards,

Earl

You know I like to to think that the dogs I have had in my life have been there for a reason. I have had a gentically incredibly fearful dog who was very hard work but taught me so much and in doing so completely changed the course of my life in her very short life. I also have 3 young working dogs I took in to save them from a bullet and all 3 have turned out great little workers for me, and also taught me so much.

Most of my dogs have come to me by circumstance including Holly. I ponder on how their lives would have been if they had not come to me and for some of these lovely sentinent creatures it would not have been good. So I help myself get through all this by focussing on this.

Your Steffie very likely would not have lasted to 9 years without you so you likely gave a very special dog a chance at a longer life than she might have got anywhere else. I know this is cold comfort but it is very real. You gave her something very special and she responded in turn with everything she had.

Yes the person with the Weim is having to make a very hard choice. I once had a 16 1/2 yo dog whose back legs had given way but was still eating. But she would look at me helplessly from her bed and I just knew that I had to end it. We spent a lovely morning together and the vet came to my house. That was so hard. I have also been through a very traumatic ending with one of my dogs due to a vet making a wrong call, still upsets me.

This is very hard for all of us. Like you, I will miss my girl for a very long time, I tear up often during the day especially thinking about her final days. I do know though that she had the best life ever as did your Steffie. Dogs do not know if they have lived 3 or 15 years, they live each day as it comes and as long as we are there with them they are as happy as they can be, even when their health isnt always as good as it could be.

Our job is to make sure they are as safe and loved as they can be and they will return that in spades. We have to shoulder the heartaches because we are the humans. But I always think of the safety and love I gave them, and that makes me happy.

I hope you too can take more and more comfort in the love and care you gave to your Steffie and you start to find some peace rather than be haunted by the unfairness of it.

"Dogs do not know if they have lived 3 or 15 years, they live each day as it comes and as long as we are there with them they are as happy as they can be, even when their health isnt always as good as it could be."....So very true Summer_Holly, so very, very true. There in lies the ruthless pain we sustain when they are gone. They never demanded a single, solitary thing. Guess thats why I finally gave up on the human race as a whole.

I will admit to you that I know deep inside me, that I can't survive without another 'Best Friend' in my life. I realize that there are so many horrible health issues that our Pets have to sustain, but, to me, CKF is absolutely insidious. A roller coaster ride direct from hell. I will never be able to be at peace thinking of Steffie's emaciated body in the end. Sure, I know, "Quit or don't think about it." Interesting, how do you not think about it when 'You Were There'.

Like so many of us of our generation, I've seen some horrible things in my life concerning dogs. Heartworm disease when there was no preventative. Then, today, people will not give it to their dogs!?? In my area!?? Theres a man that lives just down the road from me. College Graduate, married, big beautiful home, plenty of money in family. I do not know him personally. He drives a crew cab dodge truck with a flatbed(no side railings). He is ~in his late 40's-early 50's. He takes his dog with him while diving......his dog is free-standing on the flatbed. I've even seen him on the interstate at 70+ mph. Of course, there are no Texas laws preventing such, just for 'children'. I've seen this 'person' drive by here and his dog is standing on the very back edge of the flatbed. I have no reservations in telling you, that he should be found in a ditch somewhere face down.

Yes SummerHolly, Holly, Steffie, Shatszie, Victor And ALL of our Pets that we have had were blessed the day they came to us. I/You can go to bed and wake up knowing that we did our best to the very end.

Hi, Earl, as always thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I totally share your concerns for your neighbor's dog riding in the back of the truck without protection. Virginia is slowly coming into the realization that both companion animals and wildlife need protection from abusive humans, and there is a law that requires animals to be safely restrained while riding in the flatbeds of trucks. Just as a thought you might contact your local humane society / State representative to see what can be done in Texas. Perhaps this could be one way you could honor your beloved Steffie and Shatszie.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's, and all of your beloved companions', sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Moon_Beam, There is no animal control in my county, etc.. ASPCA in Houston will not claim any jurisdiction this far North. I had talked to my Vet concerning Tx Laws and she had confirmed what I already knew. It is assuring to know that Virginia is progressing with such. Yes, contacting a State Rep would be worthy, but my opinion on 'Any' politician is not good these days. I would have to have a lot of steam backing me......such as the ASPCA. My opinion of the ASPCA is not good, especially after recently seeing that their 'CEO' makes a very healthy 6-digit salary, not to mention that they are NOT a 'No-Kill' shelter. Never have quite understood how the ASPCA claims to be so benevolent, but, they are not a 'NO KILL'. Like everything these days, ...$$.

I guess I'm doing a tad better, but I still revisit March 2011 and why I didn't detect a UTI in Steffie. Next week, I'm requesting a call from my Vet to discuss it. I simply will not rest till I 'KNOW' what most likely was the cause of CKF. I suspect it was simply genetics or the UTI went 'Somehow' unnoticed too long. Yes, I know I should leave it in the past, but then, what about the knowledge aspect for the future? I was a science major in college. Its part of who I am 'To Know'.

I'm glad that you suggested 'Big's' Mom to contact her Vet for reassurance. I failed miserably to mention that to her, so she WILL NOT be left with any 'Direct Guilt' in her decision. As you know, a 'Good Vet' will wait as long as is best for a Pet, strictly so the Owner 'Will Not' hold themselves accountable. I feel so terribly sorry for her and Big.

Thank You Moon_Beam for all you do.

I hope you and Noah have a good evening together.

Regards,

Earl

Yes I do not understand how some people treat their pets. That is why I am glad my dogs came to me. I am not perfect but have always tried to keep them safe and loved. Yeah I am not particularly keen on people any more, which is why I live on a farm.

I can understand that you will never forget the toll that CKF took on your beloved Steffie. I wouldnt have either. The thing I hate about dog breeding is that there are so many irresponsible breeders out there who dont do the neccessary gentic tests and often in breed or line breed innapropriately. I myself have been caught with this with a dog with huge issues and she died before she was 3 but her short life was filled with surgery. It makes me mad because most of these genetic tests are available and affordable to breeders.

Unfortunately there are a lot of breeders who are just interested in the money and do things as cheaply as possible with scant regard to the puppies and their future owners. This is a huge bugbear of mine.

Apart from the odd working dog I rescue I now do a lot of research when getting a pup and insist on all the relevant genetic testing being in place and I also use my contacts within the dog world to check out breeders that are less than reputable. My dogs are mainly working bred these days form reputable working breeders where it is difficult to get away with health problems in their lines. My next working dog in a couple of years time when my current working dog are likely to be looking at retirement, is from a planned breeding from a friends bitch where all due care has been taken to do all the genetic health testing and scans, research into the lines of both dog and bitch and the puppies will be raised in the house, well socialised and cared for and placed in the right homes.

I am sorry you had to go through this with your Steffie, it really makes me mad when I see people breeding dogs with no care what so ever. Yourly lovely Steffie and you are the ones that pay the real price and already know what that price is.

You know maybe one day you will be able to welcome another friend into your life, I guess you just have to let it run its course and see how you feel further down the track when things are a little less raw. It is such a personal journey do to what feels right for you.

Yep, you are so right about a lot of breeders. Their cost are sky high now and they will cut corners. At the end of the day though, its all about money....profit. Theres no doubt in my mind that Steffie's problems were inherited. One of which was High Triglycerides. With all the expensive tests that were run, they never could find a cause. Gemfibrozil was given, but it had medium affects......her level was never in the normal range. Basically SummerHolly, I'm worn out.......beat to a pulp of worrying......fix.....worrying....fix, for six long years. You were right that Steffie wouldn't have lived as long as she did if it wasn't for my 24/7 watch over her.

As with you probably, I still will never understand WHY, WHY, ALL the negative things were dropping from the sky like bombs, when our Holly and Steffie were taking a turn for the worse. I will forever hate the month of October, let alone November. 'And Now'? No arrows being shot my way, none since Nov 17 when I said Goodbye to Steffie. Apparently we were being tested, but for what?

I recently went to the breeder's website where I got Steffie. She is still blowing and going, on the board here and there, showing off all her championship ribbons, etc., etc.. All about the $$.

Yes, call me greedy, if only I could have had Steffie another year, there is something magical when your pet reaches 10 yrs old. It must have been very hard on you when you lost your dog before 3 yrs old. Very, Very hard on you,.....something you never get over. That would be a death blow to me, period.

One thing that is etched in stone SummerHolly, with all the holistic home diets, over-vaccination, supplements, etc, etc, to supposedly keep our pets healthy, it doesn't hold water if the genetics are bad.

Regards,

Earl

Yes a family I know is having to euthanaise a loved 14 month old Rotweiller because after thousands of dollars worth of surgery to deal with elbow dysplasia, both her cruciates have now ruptured. Bad genetics and breeding practices is at the core of it all. I think they have shown that life expectancy of certain breeds has actually gone down. With all our improved knowledge I find that despicable.

Yes I know what you mean about the the magic age of 10. For my breeds it should be at least 12 or I feel ripped off.

I know how you would become worn down. I was starting to feel that way with my genetically compromised dog who reached 3. It was hard work with both elbow dysplasia and genetic temperament issues to deal with. Relentlessly ongoing. Not that I begrudged my dog that care, and I loved her but it shouldnt be like that.

Yeah lot of negative bombs for me also since the end of September and not really improving much. I dont know if we are being tested or it is just simply the natural order of life. There seem to have been a lot of really negative things happening world wide the last few months.

I guess I just try and take a positive view of it all as much as I can or I would do my head in. I went out today in a 50 acre paddock and did some herding training with my working dogs and watched the sunset over the hills. There is something magical about wide open spaces and working your dog under a red sky. I will scatter my beloved Holly's ashes along the creek that comes alive with wildflowers in Spring.

I find nature is very important in the healing process. Try and spoil yourself a little Earl. It is such an exhaustingly hard process this grieving and you need to look after yourself as much as you can as you have given so much of yourself. Not easy when all sorts of other stressful things are going on. Steffie and Holly were incredibly loved which is in its self a small miracle in the melting pot of life.

I know that Family is hurting very much, for who would think you would be going through such with a 14 month old puppy? After I finally found the courage to get another companion, Steffie, after losing Schatszie, if this would have happened to me, I would NEVER be able to be positive about anything.

I think that your creek area will be very colorful this Spring. I know that it will be hard for you to say a final goodbye to Holly with her ashes.

SummerHolly, I really don't what what it is to spoil myself. I do what I do because I have a conscience. I know that if I do not perform the correct way, I will have regrets. No, I'm not perfect, but I attempt to be 24/7.

I think our journeys with our beloved friends, especially as we get older, become one of immortalization. Then reality knocks upon your door one dark day. You can retemper a chisel time and time again, but, it has taken a toll on me this time. My soul literally went with Steffie on Nov 17. WE both thought we were immortals as time went by.

I will NEVER be able to sustain the pain again as I watched my Sweet Steffie's Body turn to a walking skeleton, and her not really realizing how critical things had become. Their desire to keep going, to survive is unmatched by any other power. You become that desire to survive, immortality. Then, when they are gone, you are simply powerless. You have no anchor, no roots. You just drift with the wind, trying to make sense of it all.

Actually, this time around 'For Me', my set of circumstances of not only with Steffie, but overall,......loosing Steffie left an unhealable wound. It would be the same if she would have been born with better genetics. I think once in your life, maybe twice as I was blessed with both Steffie and Schatszie, you are blessed with a pet companion that meets all your expectations and you both connect, knowing what is 'right' and what each other expects from the other. Total communication, love, respect, benevolence, kindness, etc..

I'm sure that you can relate to most of this with Holly. I'm afaid that this time around, time will not be the miracle cure as in the past.

SummerHolly, I admire your abilities, as with Moon_Beam, to be so courageous in seeking that glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

Earl to spoil yourself can be very simple and correct. A hike in an area of natural beauty, going for a surf, a day relaxing with a good book with your favourite food and music, learning to play a guitar. Might not be everyones idea of spoiling but I like the simple things in life, it is about taking time out to do stuff you love or perhaps learn something new.

Shortly after I lost Holly I saw that a woman who was expert in the art of yoga and meditation was coming to my nearest town to hold a day retreat, a very rare event out here. I thought that might have been a good thing to treat myself to and maybe to learn a few things I didnt know about that might help me, except I had just my fractured leg from doing sheep work so that wasnt going to work sadly.

I do understand what you are saying and I know as you get older, hey I am in my early fifties and the reality of mortality starts to stare you in the face, especially as friend and reletives start to pass. I thought Holly was immortal, I put it from my mind that she would be gone one day.

Yes Holly met all my expectations but then so did my first dog Jess another wonderful creature. Because of my situation with livestock and the farm I have a number of dogs so I have to work harder to know them all well. Holly was around when I only had one other, a dog I also loved, so we had a lot of opportunity to carve that bond.

I do feel that she is going to be difficult to match given my current situation, but I am just an overly optimistic type of person and am very much trying to explore the bonds I have with my other dogs and they are responding, so I just have to work with that.

Yes that sense of loss and having absolute no control or power when they leave you is truly horrible. That is really what plunged me into the depths. You do drift in the wind but me being me, tends to grab at anchors as I drift. That might be a sunset, or a pair of owls I see on a night walk or the full moon rising up over my wheatfields, my young dog smiling at me with love, my Border collie joyous when I take him to work sheep. I wasnt interested in anything when I first lost Holly but bit by bit it is coming back. I talk to Holly a lot too.

I am more an more starting to see Holly as a gift and we enriched each others lives, and that in it self must make me happy and be part of lifes journey. It is horrible that it is now gone but her legacy of who she was and the joy she bought me was worth having her in my life and funnily enough that makes my soul happy even though I can no longer feel her soft fur.

I hope you do start to heal Earl because I know well what a dark place it is after the loss of your precious dogs. If I was to personally dwell there too long I would become severely depressed which is why I have to find a way out. However know that I am always around to talk about this pain because it is very real and I understand well where you are.