Writing this with a massive void in my heart. We put my beautiful boy Rocky to sleep the night before last. It seems to be getting harder every day and I'm never going to be the same again. Words cant describe how special he was to us, here is his story:

We got Rocky when he was just a few weeks old and I was 12, my parents wouldn't allow us a dog but my brother decided to bring one home anyways and hope they changed their minds. Of course as soon as they laid eyes on him they were in love, we all were. Rocky was a German Shephard, supposedly the runt of the litter but flourished with our care. He was playful yet so gentle. You often hear about those extra special pets who are more like people than animals. Rocky was just that. He had so much personality and so many little quirks. He loved squeekie toys and large balls and would often sleep with one in his mouth. Though he was playful he was also very placid. He did not care about being the dominant dog and would let smaller dogs have the run of the house if they ever came and visited.

The vets always commented on what a special boy he was since he would put on such a brave face and never react when they gave him needles or had to do things which caused him pain. He hated the vets but seemed to be able to tell that they helped him, since he would gladly go when feeling sick. He was a very picky eater so lived on a diet of dry food and bbq chicken for most of his life.

At 12 years old, roughly one year ago, Rocky had a seizure in the middle of the night. It was the scariest night of my life since I didn't know what was going on or if he was going to make it, it seemed to last forever. Finally he snapped out of the seizure and we were able to carry and drive him over to our emergency vet. They gave him fluids and kept him there overnight and told us it could be a number of things, but there was a large chance it was a brain tumor. Sure enough an MRI revealed it was.

After lots of reflecting about what to do, we decided to try chemotherapy. We were warned that many chemo drugs could not cross the blood-brain barrier and it would buy him 6 months at best. On a steady regime of chemotherapy, cortisone and seizure control medication Rocky flourished for a full year afterwards. The cortisone did cause some muscle wastage which we tried to counteract with physiotherapy. Although he had good days and bad, and was also diagnosed with heart disease, Rocky never stopped putting on a brave face and would still have his puppy moments, doing little jumps around his squeekie toys and running through the house. I thought he would be around forever.

Four days ago I got him in the car to head to his physiotherapy session and immediately realized something was wrong, he was leaning on the seat of the car with his head slightly drooped, and then snapped out of it and kept changing positions looking anxious. I immediately cancelled the appointment and brought him back inside where he quickly went over to his bed. Over the next 30 minutes he was up and down, constantly changing positions as if he couldn't get comfortable. After a visit to the vets and an injection of pain killers we were woken up the next night to him having a seizure. He spent that night at the vets and was brought home the next day. Though happy to be home he seemed slightly confused and wasn't too interested in going for walks, his toys or attention (though he still seemed to enjoy it from my dad). We decided that we would give him a few more days and, if he still wasn't himself neurologically, possibly put him down next week. Hours after we had that discussion Rocky had yet another seizure. This one didn't seem quiet as bad though and he enjoyed a meal and drank some water afterwards. We decided that it seemed like he was just going to continue going downhill neurologically and called a mobile vet to put our precious boy to sleep at home that night.

He was excited to see the vet (who he had never met before) and tried to get up to greet him, which only broke our hearts more. Although Rocky whined a little while the catheter was going in i think, or hope, it was still peaceful and he wasn't scared. I am just haunted by thoughts of what if it wasn't the right time for him to go and he still had a few more months in him. This whole last year has been devoted to him, i did casual work to make sure there was somebody at home with him all the time, and we did physiotherapy twice a day and had lots of visits to parks around the neighborhood. I just don't know what to do now that he's gone. I miss him so much and this house feels so empty. I hope he isn't afraid if he is in doggy heaven, he was always so anxious without one of us with him. His ashes will come back in the next few days, and I don't know if it's going to help or make things worse to see them.

I love my beautiful boy so much.

I am so, so very sorry for your loss of your Beloved Rocky. We lost our beloved Thunder in January, he had a seizure that escalated and he wasn't going to survive, after an hour and a half of our vet trying to save him, we had to say goodbye and put him down. He was three years old. I know how you feel, I spent days wondering if we were too quick in our decision to put him down, maybe if we'd waited a little bit longer, everything the vet did would help him. But deep down in my heart I know everything that could be done, was done and it was his time.

It will be 3 months tomorrow that Thunder left us, and we still feel the pain of losing him, but we know now we did the right thing. As hard as it was to make that decision, we loved Thunder, and our love for him included saying goodbye, even though it hurt us like nothing we had ever felt before. We have his ashes, and it was comforting for us to bring him home. His urn sits on the dresser in our room, and we put his collar around the urn.

I hope you can find comfort in knowing Rocky had a good life and you loved him enough to let him go when it was his time.

Thank you for your comforting words Shadow Dancer and i'm so sorry to hear about your boy Thunder. If your vet tried to save him for that long but couldn't, i'm sure there's nothing else that could have been done. It seems like my mind switches between being completely numb and not feeling a thing, to this crushing pain. I only hope it will get better in time.

Dear RockyBoy,

I am so sorry for your loss of Rocky. He is such a beautiful dog. It will get better in time and you will think more about the good times with Rocky instead of the sad, but then all of a sudden a bad day will come along. Our little Mickey has been gone 3 years and I still have bad days that I just feel so lonely without his sweet little face looking up ay me. He had heart problems and he passed on his own here at home. He had a pretty good day, then passed out and died.

It is a hard decision when you have to decide when to put them to sleep. Over the years we had to let 2 different dogs go and wondered if it was too soon. Then I think they might have suffered too much later on, so I tell myself we did the right thing.

I'm sure Rocky is happy in doggie heaven because everthing is perfect there. One of our posters here calls it the "Perfect World". I hope you get to feeling better soon, it will take time.....God Bless...

LoveMyMickey

I will try to take comfort in him being in this perfect world. I just tried to sleep some of the pain away and had a dream that I moved houses and he was still gone but I was seeing signs of him- like another dog running to me and giving me doggy kisses and it turning into rocky for a few seconds. It was comforting. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your boy Mickey. I had a pet mouse called Mickey that died a few years ago, but that pain doesn't compare to this. Thank you for your kind words

Hi, Rockyboy, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Rocky. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Rockyboy, please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief. This grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months for you are now on a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure.

From what you share with us there is no doubt your beloved Rocky knows you did everything you could to give him a happy and healthy earthly journey. Your beloved Rocky is forever blessed to have had his Forever Home with you, and you and your family are forever blessed to be his sole, and soul, heirs to his eternal love.

I hope you will find comfort in knowing that the love bond you and your beloved Rocky share will always be with you as you continue your earthly journey. Love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Rocky's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will - - for he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Rockyboy - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I do know so well from first hand experience that when our hearts are in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. It is important for you to know you are not alone in your grief journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Rocky with us. He is so handsome. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Rockyboy, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Your story of losing Rocky is heartbreaking, bringing tears to my eyes. And yes, I also cried even harder when I read about him being excited to see the vet and trying to get up. What a wonderful boy he was to you--and such a very handsome guy. I am so, so very sorry for your loss. As you will will learn here, there are others who know your pain and understand what you are saying.

When you say "...words can't describe..." --I totally understand that and have used that very phrase many times. "Words can't describe...." ...the pain, ...the loss, ...the emptiness. Words do not adequately describe SO much of how you feel, right? And the emptiness is just crushing. A month ago I lost my beloved cat of 16 yrs, and I felt I was going to die from the pain, serioulsy, it was so intense I didn't think I could bear it. So yes, we here at LS, do understand the depth of your love, loss, and pain. Beyond that, I don't know what else to say, other than keep writing.... coming to this forum was really my only life-line to surviving the pain. So do keep telling us how you're doing. I wish for you healing and love. - Molly's mom.

Moon_Beam and Snapdragon, thank you for taking the time to help this broken soul. I appreciate it, and it helps somewhat knowing there is a community of people feeling like I do, though i wouldn't wish it on anybody

Snapdragon, i'm so sorry to hear you lost your beloved cat. Like so many have described before, it seems like I have been on autopilot but I haven't left my room since it happened. My partner and parents think I should be out and about and doing things by now, but i feel that would be a dishonor to my boy and how special he was to me. I feel like I have to grieve for him, have to feel this pain, somehow to let him know how much he meant to me. I told myself I would do things this week to try to help with the process, such as return the medication we haven't used to the vets, donate his physiotherapy equipment to another dog that needs it, take my car to the car wash to clean the back seat of all the fur. I don't know how i'm going to draw the strength to do these things, but I also don't know how i'm going to be able to use my car with memories of him all over it.

One thing I do know i'm going to do is get a tattoo of his paw print I took a few months ago. Then i'll have a part of my beautiful boy to touch always.

I will keep writing and coming here. It seems to help more than anything else I've tried. This little snippet came to me as I woke from restless sleep this morning.

I lost my best friend today,
He trusted me with his life and I took it away
I thought it was time but now i'm not so sure
Seeing him try to get up to greet the vet at the door

I lost my best friend today,
He took a piece of my heart with him but thats okay
He could have it all, if only he would stay

Your poem is beautiful, even if it did bring tears to my eyes. Is there ever the "right time." We chose to have Molly put to sleep, she had lung cancer and the vet did not give her very long at all to live. She was already coughing and wheezing, and I did NOT want her to suffer, so we made the decision. A couple of times I have wondered if we could have waited. But really, a few days?? a week maybe??? at the risk of her suffering and not being able to breath. So we made the decision. It's done. I am grateful that I am quite certain she did not suffer with the cancer. And nothing changes that she is gone. And, as I've said, as you know in your experience of losing Rocky, the pain is just searing. Reading your story was kind of hard, since it brings back the pain again like it was yesterday....but I know that hearing from others helped me so much. I do think that when our beloved companions go, that they seriously do take a part of us with them. I actually feel "injured" in some way. Also, I think you mentioned about feeling lost at home--yes, it's really very hard when the very home you live in, everywhere you turn at home, you "see" where your friend would be. It's hard even being in your own home for that reason. I like your idea of a tattoo; I don't have any tattoos and I'd considered that. I bought a pendant urn in which I have some of Molly's ashes. Hugs to you.

It must be a comfort being able to carry a piece of Molly with you always, I also considered a pendant but for some reason am not comfortable with the idea of not having all of my boys ashes together in one place, not sure why. I read your post about Molly and it sounded like it was her time, the last gift you could give her. Today I just feel numb, not really feeling anything. Not sure if it's better than the searing pain because it makes me feel guilty. I hope everybody else is hanging in there ok today.

What a beautiful boy! He is absolutely gorgeous and I can see why you adored him so much. Thank you for your words about the loss of my Sydney and I hope you are doing OK. Grief is like a rollercoaster that you can't get off, but it's there to help us express the love we have for our furbabies. I think it does make it slightly easier knowing that other people are here when you need them.

Hi, Rockyboy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and this wonderful picture of your beloved Rocky. Indeed, when our companions precede us to the angels they do take a part of our hearts with them, as they leave a part of their hearts with us. The best example I have to share is the broken heart charm - - while you are holding one half, your beloved Rocky is holding the other half. When it is your appropriate time to join him in eternal joy, your hearts will be reunited again never to be parted again.

For now he is holding the part of your heart in great joy. And although your heart knows the joy of him, right now it is immersed in deep sorrow as you travel your grief adjustment journey. But I promise you, Rockyboy, that one day very likely when you least expect it you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Rocky and your heart will once again feel the warmth of your beloved Rocky, and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling. This is what your beloved Rocky wants for you - - he wants you to be able to remember the many treasured memories you share together with a happy heart.

But until this time comes for you, Rockyboy, please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Rockyboy, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Rocky's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you Moon Beam and Sydney's mum, i spent most of yesterday numb and this morning started out the same until I got a call saying Rocky's ashes were ready to be dropped off and it brought a flood of emotion back. I can't believe my beautiful boy is dust now. I'm going to try to make my first trip out of the house since it happened to print a photo of him to put in his urn (I chose a wooden urn with a photo slot). As much as it's going to hurt to see him that way i'm glad my boy is coming home. I love you Rocky

Hi, Rockyboy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Getting our beloved companion's ashes back is a two sided coin: on the one side it is a blessing having them back home with us where they belong, yet the other side is a painful reminder they are no longer physically with us in the form our hearts and arms long for.

For awhile this grief adjustment journey will probably feel like a constant stabbing pain in your heart as each moment of every hour of every day will a continuing reminder of your "new reality" that no longer includes the precious physical presence of your beloved Rocky. This is why, for many other reasons, it is extremely important for you to do the things that bring comfort to you - - talking to your beloved Rocky, writing in a journal, - - things that will help you to feel his sweet Living Spirit close to you.

And please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. I know I emphasize this, but it is important for you to know you are not alone in your grief journey. Grieving can make us feel very isolated and abandoned - - even when we are surrounded by people in our daily lives. While society expects us to continue on with our lives and routines as though nothing has happened, I assure you, Rockyboy, this a safe place where you can come to express what is in your heart for as long as you need / want to.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Rockyboy, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Rocky's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I am so very sorry about the loss of your dog. Rocky's story really spoke to me, because your story of how you got him reminded me of how we got our Snookie. My mom and I surprised my dad one afternoon with our new puppy. We laughed about my dad's shock for years, and, like your parents with Rocky, my dad fell in love with Snookie. I know how you must feel unsure that you did the right thing for Rocky at the end. Snookie also suffered from seizures towards the end. The neurological damage does indeed get worse. Rocky wouldn't have had the quality of life you would have wanted for him. It was a kindness to let him go peacefully. I hope you are able to find peace yourself, and find solace in his remains coming home and in the good memories you have of him. He sounds like he was a very special member of your family.

This helped tremendously, thank you. It's a wonderful type of strange how a dog like Rocky or Snookie can completely catch our hearts at first glance. I have to keep reminding myself that it's better we let him go whilst he could still be a dog, then a sorry shadow of one he would have become in the next couple of weeks. I just hope he knew somehow that we were doing it out of love. His ashes are home now and whilst it really hurt when they first arrived it is becoming a source of comfort now. The whole thing is still pretty surreal and I'm still finding it hard to leave the house but that will get easier with time i guess. I just read your post about Snookie and will respond to it there rather than here

Moonbeam, thank you again and your words about the ashes describes it perfectly- it's very bittersweet

This is still so tough...whenever I do something to distract myself from my grief for a while I get a flood of guilt. I love and miss you so much rocky, I wish more than anything I could hug you one last time

Your Rocky was just a beautiful boy. I was raised with German Shepherds - just love them. Magnificent, intelligent, loyal companions. We lost so many over the years. I am so sorry to learn of your loss. And, I picked up on a comment you made about having ashes seperated - that you have a hard time doing something like that. I feel the same way about my beloved Mission. I did get a lovely engraved silver urn pendant, but just couldn't bring myself to open the pouch of his ashes and take some out and put them in the pendant. So, I opted instead to put some fur/fluff in the pendant. I also got several lockets, had them engraved and put a picture of him on one side and a little bit of fur on the other. So, I feel now I carry a little bit of my beloved Mission with me wherever I go. I wear one of them every day now and only take it off for a shower.

I went through all the photos I had of Mission and took some, got them enlarged/framed and have placed them in areas around the house where the photos had been taken. It helped to make me feel/sense he was still with me. I talk to him every day..say good morning, good night, miss you my baby and ask for his help and support to take me through a very trying time now with a neighbor dispute. I barely could get through my grieving when it was suddenly shaken and taken away by this petty neighbor. It makes me sooo angry at her to have to take my attention away from my boy.

I lost Mission on March 11, same as Snapdragon and her beloved Molly. I can tell you that I cried every day for a month. But, now the tears aren't there so much as just the sadness and loneliness of missing him...missing his sweet little presence. Although the grief gets a little easier every day, the sense of loss does not. For some of our most beloved fur kids this may never go away completely when the bond was that close.

My heart goes out to you and just have faith in knowing that Rocky is inow happy, healthy and just waiting for a reunion with you someday over the Bridge.

Hugs to you!

Oh 11 seems to be the number, I lost my boy on April 11th. German Shephards really are amazing companions. I remember whenever I'd walk Rocky people would assume that being such a big dog he would be aggressive but he was the gentlest, sweetest boy. It seemed like he could read my mind whenever I'd think about taking him out, before I'd completely made up my mind he'd jump up and run to his leash. I like your idea about keeping a lock of fur in a pendant, I wish I had gotten one before we got him cremated.

Mission was a gorgeous cat, I just read his story. To be able to pass at home with you was a wonderful gift. I am shocked that your neighbours aren't being more understanding, though I don't like confrontation I would explain to them that you're still grieving over your beloved companion and whatever 'dispute' they're having is the last thing on your mind at the moment.

I've also put photos around my room of Rocky, and his urn has a photo of him in it too, it helps me feel like he's still a part of my life, because he is, though I guess its in my heart now