Two years ago today I buried my sweet Danny boy. Somehow I still can't bring myself to be in the party mood and shouting "Happy New Year" to everyone. I still remember the pain I felt at seeing his little casket lowered into the ground and covered up. I felt pain when I looked at him just one last time before the casket was sealed. It was the saddest New Year's Eve ever for me. The only thing that gave me comfort was visiting Mindy at the SPCA afterwards. I had adopted her, but she still needed her spay surgery before I could take her home with me.

I still feel the pain today that I felt 2 years ago at Danny's burial. I still miss him so much.

Hi DannysMom

Although I am not always on here I am always thinking of you, Danny, Tina, Mindy and Shelley every time I look at my cats or remember Chewy.

I know it must of been so hard but I am glad that mixed in with the emotions of sadness you have the memory of your Mindy when you first got her.

xxForeverxx

xxForverxx, thank you for your kinds words and for thinking of us. I think of you and Chewy and Pixie, Fudge and Ellie as well. Mindy reminds me of Danny in some ways. She likes tummy rubs just as much as he did and that is so sweet. I still remember how much Danny enjoyed being brushed. I would brush him every Sunday and he always purred and wanted me to pet him while I was brushing him. He didn't like the snow though and never dared to venture out in it. But he loved watching the snowflakes fall from the safety of his warm kitty condo. He would sit there in the evening and look out the window at the comings and goings in the neighborhood. It was so comforting for me to always see him sit there, and after he died I avoided sitting in that room at night as it reminded me so much of him.

Happy Valentine's Day to Mr. Danny, my sweet kitty boy. I placed a beautiful red rose at his grave today to honor him and remember him. Quite a few people had decorated the graves for V-Day with heart wreaths, ribbons or flowers. I felt so good about being able to do this and to remember how Danny was always so loving and sweet. He had such a kind and gentle heart, and he was playful and mischievous. I have his picture sitting on my desk and his sweet, smiley face is looking at me. He is gone for over 2 years now, but certainly not forgotten. He brought so much joy into my life with his presence, just by being there and being his sweet self.

Today, March 4, my Danny would have celebrated his 13th birthday. I sure miss my sweet, gentle tux kitty boy. He was a real treasure and just brought me so much joy and made me laugh with his playful nature. Curiously enough these past few days Miss Mindy has been opening the cabinet door where the cat food is stored and let it bang shut, just like Danny used to do, only a bit more gently as she is a smaller cat and not quite as strong as my Danny used to be. I'd like to think she does it to remind me of Danny, and it does make me smile. I know Danny would be proud of her for continuing his tradition.

Hi DannysMom

Saw this poem and thought of you and Danny.

"Cattails in my Coffee

While calmly sipping coffee of a morn,
And contemplating on why I was born,
I watch the cat climb softly to my lap
To primp and preen, then settle down to nap.

As he begins to wash his whiskery face
He will not keep his wandering tail in place.
And while it's waving wildly in the air
I try to track it down-it's never there.

It wiggles to the left as I reach right
And rebounds again in rhythmic delight.
I resume my reaching as it rises up,
Then comes down to coil in my coffee cup.

The tabby turns translucent eyes on me
As if to tell me, "There! now do you see?
If not for you my tail would still be dry.
Why can't you humans be as calm as I?"

And cleaning caffeine off his copious fur,
He curls into a ball, begins to purr.
A call upon his dreams he plans to keep,
So he proceeds to promptly fall asleep."

Could just imagine you and Danny did this

xxForeverxx

Aw! xxForeverxx, that is a beautiful poem. Thank you so much for posting this! It made me smile. Danny had kind of a thick tail and he would sometimes "thump" his tail or swish it back and forth, but it never landed in my coffee. He was always so calm and laid back, just a real sweet kitty boy. Danny had the softest and fluffiest cheeks. I sure do miss him.

Hi Dannysmom,

I read your original post from 2 years ago about the guilt you felt when you made the most difficult decision to let go. My dog Gus went through 2 years of compassionate and caring treatment from a vet cardiologist who did everything on this planet to keep him comfortable and alive. Last Sunday morning, his breathing was the worst I had seen it so I took him in for oxygen treatment and a lasik shot. Unfortunately the vet on duty had never treated Gus and lacked any compassion whatsoever. After an hour of oxygen she let me visit with him, but he was only marginally better. The vet said "I don't mean to sound harsh, but this little dog has a medical record over an inch thick". I felt like I was in a dream state that went from looking into his desperate eyes to holding him with tubes in his arms and this cold-hearted vet standing in front of us with two needles. I held him tightly as his little head dipped forward for the last time, first asleep and then I felt his heart stop.

I felt so guilty that I made the decision to let him go at the hands of person who never knew him and acted as if she didn't even care. I keep second guessing myself that two or three more hours of rest and oxygen would have helped and I could have returned later so he could be treated by the vet that had invested so much in him over the years. I haven't been back to work yet. The moment his heart beat for the last time, part of me died inside and I can't deal with it.

How long did it take for the guilt to go away?

Kelly, thank you for visiting my topic and for posting. I am very sorry that you had to say good-bye to your little pal Gus. I can imagine how upsetting it must have been with that uncaring vet. You have my deepest sympathies. I can so very well understand when you say "The moment his heart beat for the last time, part of me died inside and I can't deal with it." I felt the same way when my Danny died. He was my joy, my sweet little kitty boy, and it broke my heart saying good-bye to him.

You ask how long it took for the guilt to go away? I'm not quite sure...I started feeling somewhat better after 3 months, but the guilt kept creeping up again every so often. It is different for everyone, so I cannot say it will be the same for you. But I do want you to know that what you did relieved Gus's suffering. He is in a better place where he is young again and has no more pain.

Hi DannysMom,
I wanted to let you know that your Danny is such a beautiful and handsome boy, and I know how very much you must miss him. I lost my dear cat Jasper almost two months ago at the young age of seven years, and I miss him with all of my heart. My Jasper used to love to open the cabinet doors just as your Danny did, and whenever I would hear them banging open and shut, I would think, there goes my Jasper. Sometimes he would even open the closet doors and sit inside for a few minutes, what a silly boy. I so miss hearing the jingle of the little bell on his collar, what I would give to hear that once again, and my heart just aches for him, to touch him and hold him once again. That is just so cute how Miss Mindy now opens your cat food cabinet doors, yes Danny must be so very proud of her for carrying on his tradition.

I have another cat named Jingles who is thirteen years old, and he has become my little shadow. It is interesting, because Jasper was always the affectionate one and Jingles was always more aloof, but now he is a real cuddlebug, and wherever I am, that is where he is. I have heard that very often pets will take on some of the characteristics of their housemates who they are missing, and I am finding this to be so true. I really don't know what I would have done without my Jingles, in those first few weeks, he would look up at me so sad and confused, and I knew he needed me, so even as hard as it was, I knew I had to pick myself up and reach out to him, he needed me, and we held onto each other through the darkness and through the pain.

My Jasper became so sick so suddenly, and I remember so clearly kissing his little head that horrific night, and holding him in my arms as he took his last breath, that image used to replay itself over and over in my mind like a broken record, but now that picture is slowly but surely being replaced by spurts and remembrances of our happy and special times together. I know in my heart that there was no alternative and that he was suffering and hurting, and I had to love him enough to let him go, but my decision still haunts me to this day. I even begged the doctor to keep him overnight, but she said it would only be keeping him on life support. In the back of my mind, I was even planning to sell my car to cover the veterinary bills, but it was not meant to be. I would have gone to the ends of the earth to save him, but his sickness took over his body so fast, and he had been such a big and strong healthy boy. How does a young vibrant cat go from the picture of health to so sick and weak within a matter of a few days, he could not even hold his head up anymore, and then when he was having trouble with every breath, I knew it was time, so I told him not to be scared, that he could go to the light, and for him to wait for me.

It is funny how you think you are so past something, and then it all comes flooding back like it was yesterday, one little memory can send you reeling back to square one again, and I am sure you have experienced this. I still am not able to look at his picture, I just break down whenever I do, he was such a handsome boy and I am so very proud of him, and I would like to post his picture for everyone to see, but I am just not ready yet. I guess our heart knows how much we can take and what we are able to process.

Well DannysMom, I just wanted to let you know that your posts about Danny really touched my heart, and your words about him are so filled with the special love and the beautiful connection you both shared. I remember my very first post on this forum, it was entitled: "I Just Don't Know How To Do This" well I still don't know how to do this, and I don't think I ever will. I know that my life and my world will never be the same again. But I still would not trade one single moment with my sweet boy to avoid the pain of losing him, our seven years together was way too short, but those years were filled with such a sweet and a once in a lifetime connection that no separation could ever break. I can just picture Danny and Jasper running and playing together along that crystal blue stream, jumping and climbing on all of those beautiful rainbows, just waiting for their mommies to come home to them.

jaspersmom, thank you for your post and your heartfelt words. I cried when I read your post, and nodded so many times in agreement to what you wrote. I am very sorry for the loss of your dear cat Jasper. What a beautiful name! I remember I was still a mess after two months had passed when Danny died. And you are so right, one little memory can send you back to square one again. It is like reliving it all over again. For days and weeks I could not get the images out of my head after Danny had died and seeing his lifeless body being carried away by the vet tech and how his head helplessly flopped to the side and how his eyes seemed to be staring right at me. Losing a beloved fur kid is the worst kind of pain.
Your Jasper sounds like such a wonderful and playful cat. I can just imagine how much you miss him. After Danny died I still had my Tina for four months and she was a big comfort to me. It sounds like Jingles is being your little comforter. These furry little ones can tell when we're not feeling well, and how sweet of Jingles to be such a cuddlebug now. That must be a great comfort to you.

It was so hard for me looking at Danny's picture after he died. It was heart-wrenching to see his picture and know he is no more, that I can't reach out to pet him or hear his sweet voice. But seeing his picture also comforted me. I have an 8X10 on my desk right next to me computer so I can look at my Danny all the time, and his sweet, smiley little face is comforting to me. I hope the grief journey gets easier for you as times passes. I've experienced that the waves of grief become less intense and less frequent over time, but it still feels like a part of me is missing. My life was not the same after Danny died. I think when we are younger it is easier to get through a loss, especially for kids, they are so resilient.

I am so comforted that my Danny lives on to comfort people through his story that I shared with a magazine a couple of years ago. I know he would like that. Danny was such a gentle feline soul. He enjoyed his kitty life and for him life was filled with amazing things and experiences. He didn't like big trucks passing by, especially not the UPS truck with the squeaky brakes, and he would always let out a low growl, tuck in his tail and go hide. I can't believe it's been over 2 years since he left, and what's more amazing that I actually made it through the immense grief and pain that followed. It is hard for me to read other people's stories of loss here on LS as it brings back painful reminders and a pain I do not want to feel any longer. There is a time for everything. A time to mourn and a time to enjoy life again. I found we cannot "hurry" through grief. The grief journey has its own timeline, and all we can really do is hang on during this roller coaster ride.

Danny's mom, yes, I can well imgaine that it would be hard to come back to LS and read about our pain and grief and how that would "refresh" all those feelings for you. Yes, the grief and pain is, indeed, "immense." But! you give ups hope that we also can make it through. I just remember that very first week, all I could think about was that the pain was soooo intense that all I wanted to do was die, I just didn't know how I could live with such pain. But I have. I'm here. I pain of missing Molly is still very great, it just seems like life should continue without her here. But, one foot in front of the other. Thank you for your words.

OnAMission, thanks for sharing. Before Danny died I got four 8X10 photos of him, and looking at those photos gave me great comfort. Like you I just HAD to see my Danny. And having his pictures with me felt like I was in some way still "connected" to him. I've kept his photos up, so I can always look at him when I need to. He was a beautiful cat and had a heart of gold. Being separated from him was so painful for a long time, but I have learned to live without him. We all have to die at some time, that's a part of this life here on earth. I still miss him, yes, but I know I'll see him again one day and that gives me great comfort.

Snapdragon, thanks for saying that I give you hope. And you are right, it's one foot in front of the other. It is moment by moment and day by day. The best we can do when we are grieving is treating ourselves kindly and avoiding any kind of stress as much as possible. It really is hard for me to read the stories of loss on LS as it does affect me so much and I feel the pain of the loss. Often times I do not know what to say to a grieving pet parent. There is not much one can say to make it better as the loss is just so great and the pain is so deep. I don't have moon_beam's eloquence, so I'm really not much use here

I guess all I can really say is "This too shall pass". It will pass. In time you will feel better. It just takes time. I didn't think I could make it through the grief, after Danny died, but I did. What helped me was a lot of rest and being good to myself. Grief takes a lot out of a person, it literally drains you, so rest and good nutrition helps a lot. The hard part is coming to terms with the loss. For some people it is easier than for others. If we can accept that we only have these sweet little creatures for a limited time here on earth then that is a lot. For me I had lulled myself into believing that things would just go on as they had been, that Tina and Danny would continue to be there. We love our sweet fur kids, but we need to be prepared to let them go when the times comes. That is easier said than done.

Thank you, Dannysmom, for your thoughts. Yes, grieving is exhausting! I feel like I have neither the energy nor the interest in doing anything. Physically I feel drained. I have days where I really wish I could just stay in bed all day, I don't even want to get up. I am getting through my days, but the grief of losing Molly has been overwhelming, a depth of grief I never saw coming, never expected...it felt like a tsunami of grief. And you're right, what is it that you can say to someone else, with that degree of pain/grief that will help. For me, it has been of some help to know that I'm not crazy having this intense of a grief reaction to losing my fur-kid, that there are others who have experienced, are experiencing the same degree of pain/grief from their loss. It has helped me some itty-bitty bit to know that, though it doesn't really lessen the grief. I guess it kind of felt like I was falling off a cliff and knowing I'm not alone in this kind of grief has been a single branch I've been hanging onto to keep from falling. So, your sharing does help...thank you.

Hi DannysMom

I am thinking of your Danny boy this morning here in England. It is lovely and sunny and from what I have learnt about your boy he would have loved to have sat out on a balcony in the sun.

I hope you are feeling OK today surrounded by your other fur babies and smiling at the pictures of your Tina and Danny.

xxForeverxx

xxForeverxx, thank you so much for thinking of Danny. I think of you and Chewy and always wonder how you are doing. You are right, Danny enjoyed being out on the balcony, but as soon as some kids walked by down below he would run back inside. He was so skittish and shy, would not even come out when I had visitors. He was so funny...I remember he would always crinkle his nose and sniff the air before he walked out on the balcony. I loved watching him do that. I have so many fond memories of my sweet Danny boy. He was such a wonderful character, just beautiful inside and out. I remember I fell in love with him the first time I saw him, so I think it was really meant to be for me to take him home. I miss his sweet voice. Danny brought so much joy into my life just by being there.

Hi DannysMom

Thank you for sharing those wonderful memories of your Danny. They really made me smile and actually reminded me of Fudge. He is skittish and shy......he has got better with visitors but any small noise that he is not use to or does not like and hes out the room hiding but like you with Danny that is what makes me love him so much as he is so silly and lovable. Your Danny really was a special boy and I can see it is thanks to him and Tina that you have given a home to two more beautiful cats as he made you love the little furbabys.

xxForeverxx

Hi DannysMom
Just stopping by to say hello and to wish you well.