Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. As Scarlett's Mom and Tara have already so comfortingly shared with you, bringing our beloved companion's ashes home can be a two-sided coin: On the one side it is comforting to have them home again while the other side is yet another blatant "new reality" that they are no longer physically with us in the way that our arms and hearts desperately long for. It's another part of this grief adjustment journey that is very painful both emotionally and physically for us.

I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, but sadly the only way to do it is one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in our own way and in our own time - - with the reassurance that we are surrouded by the comfort, support, encouragement, and hope from those who truly do understand what we are going through. Russ, you are among friends here, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Russ, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

It is a two sided coin for sure. I'm glad she is here, it's where she belongs but it does bring a lot of emotion and I've yet to take the container out of the decorative bag. I'm still very much lost and my spirit is deeply crushed. I tell Sarah that I Love her several times in a day and at least I can do that. My stomach stays knotted and I force myself to do things but with limited success.
People tell me to think about something else and I try to explain to them that it's not a matter of thought but rather it's a "state" of being. It's in a real sense like being physically ill and no train of thought is going to automatically cure you. I tell them that I truly have no control over how I feel, my emotions are simply there and feeling better is going to take as long as it takes. It's frustrating and insulting when you are told to snap out of it. I guess they've not experienced love so deep.

Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. You are so right when you share with us: "I try to explain to them that it's not a matter of thought but rather it's a "state" of being. It's in a real sense like being physically ill and no train of thought is going to automatically cure you." I am so sorry you are having to endure insensitive comments who are unable to truly understand - - for whatever reason - - what you are going through. I hope and pray you know you are among friends here who DO understand, and know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

It is important that you do not over-extend your physical, emotional, and mental endurance right now - - to not try to do things that you simply do not have the energy and concentration to do. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are experiencing are very normal symptoms of deep grief - - both physical and emotional which also include your ability to concentrate. I promise you one day you will feel the weight of your grief begin to ease and you will be able to find new energy and renewed ability to concentrate on other things you want to do - - but for now it is important that you do not over-extend yourself. As for looking at the container that holds your beloved Sarah's ashes - - there is no rush. One day you may want to - - but that day will come when YOU are ready.

I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Russ, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hey Russ,

Most people just don't understand the deep love some of us have for our pets. When they are not pets, but children, it is so normal to feel the way you feel. It's been 9 weeks (today) since I said goodbye to my boys and I still cry. In fact, I had a few weeks where I was doing better and then I've found myself a mess several days in the last week. Grief is such an unpredictable process, but embracing it IS the way through it, so give yourself the time you need and don't worry that others don't understand.

I hope you'll have a restful evening.

CritzyJ

Thank you both for understanding where I'm coming from. It's hard to put feelings into words. It's a comfort to hear that others can relate to this struggle, although I wish we never had to face it.
This past week I've found myself becoming increasingly depressed and along with that goes a constant state of exhaustion. It truly is difficult to do the simplest tasks. Tomorrow will be 4-weeks since I lost my Sarah. Honestly it feels like she has been gone for months and months. My heart continues to beat and I take in breath but it's not my doing as I am just existing in a world that is dark and so very lonely. Yes grief is unpredictable, a few weeks ago I was doing much better than now. The time that is passing is like an arrow plunging deeper and deeper into my heart. I love Sarah so much, and I would hate her to think her passing is to blame for my agonizing state. It's not her fault it's just something unavoidable on this Earth.
I'm blessed that both my parents, now in their mid 80's, are still here and have been helping me to get by since this happened. They lost a cat last year that they'd had for 18-years so they can relate to my loss. I hope this improves sometime soon as I'm feeling guilty for appearing like I'm not attempting to move ahead with my life. But like I've said, just standing up can feel like I'm lifting 1,000 pounds and nothing looks important to me. So much that I used to do has now lost all value and meaning. Intense stress related dreams have been becoming more frequent this week and leaves me in a daze when I wake. Thank you all for listening.

Hi Russ -
Sorry to hear things seem to be getting tougher rather than easier. Maybe "easy" is the wrong word to describe the loss of these special friends we loved so much. But I completely understand your experience. It's been 5 weeks tomorrow since I had to let Vienna go and I still can't believe she's gone. The words "she's gone" are so incredibly heartbreaking even now. But I've been through a similar experience of feeling like I was better then just falling into this dark hole of despair. I literally didn't think I'd survive at times. And it was hard to understand how it could get worse rather than better. I really think we get numb...even though we're definitely grieving...right after the loss. I remember feeling totally lost and disoriented...and also having these weird bursts of feeling like "oh well...it'll be ok." Then the reality started setting in. I think that's what caused the overwhelming despair. And, like you, I felt like I couldn't do anything, nor did I want to. The reality of it is a heavy burden.

It may sound like I'm talking about my experience as a distant memory but it was just a week or so ago that I called my mom just bawling for her to come over and help me. I was so distraught I didn't know what else to do. But right now, I feel better than I have since Vienna passed. There's still a dark cloud and I'm sure I'll still have some really low spots. And every day I have to stop myself from dwelling on the really sad memories when she was so sick. And I still have moments where I just can't believe she's gone. It's so surreal to have loved her so much and received so much in return. And now my house is empty. It sounds like you're experiencing the really low spot right now. But it may be the dark before the dawn kind of thing.

I'm not suggesting this is the path for you, but it's really helped me to start thinking about adopting another dog. At first, this felt like a betrayal of Vienna, who I was always sure would've been so possessive of me that she'd never want me to have another dog. But Vienna...and your Sarah...had no other intention than to love and be loved by us. That doesn't change now that they're not physically with us. So the love stays the same even if other dogs come into our lives. Anyway, thinking about adopting another dog has given me some hope. I hope you find something to look forward to as well.

I obviously never saw you with Sarah but it's so plainly obvious that you loved her more than anyone could ever hope for. You took good care of her when she was on earth and are protecting and loving her still. All the important elements are still here...except the physical presence. That's really hard for us. But Sarah and Vienna are completely at peace and without any pain. Hopefully your pain will lessen soon. Take care...and cry as much as you need. It heals.

Tara

To me it's like I'm in a fog and everything is in slow motion, yet the world just whips by and I can't even fathom getting up to speed.

I don't actually feel that way now, but at 4 weeks, I certainly still was feeling that way. Now, I have mostly good days with moments of sadness that hit me. Sometimes I'll have just a few little tears or feel a heaviness in my heart and sometimes I'll just break down and sob. I'm feeling like I'm almost ready to donate the cans of food I have and some other things I've been hanging onto, but I'm only ALMOST there.

I miss my kitties, I dream about them a lot, I wish they were here everyday, but I'm getting my life back, so I just wanted you to know that it WILL happen for you in time. Just be good to yourself. Do what you need to do to stay connected to Sarah and don't apologize for going through intense grief. It is a sign of the depth of your love for her.

Scarlett's Mom shared a quote with me that I just love. It's from Winnie the Pooh:

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

This grief is so awful, but how lucky we are to have loved so deeply.

Take care, Russ.

CritzyJ

I get much needed clarity from the replies that each of you post and it is very, very appreciated. You all have such great love for your special friends that have passed and that is wonderful to see in this world as it is today. Your losses are just as recent as mine and I am uplifted tremendously from your words and you don't know what a real difference it makes, thank you all so very much.
The similarities of emotion in us is so very real. I come here and feelings pour out of me, everyone needs someone to talk to who really does understand. I hope I can be so brave as to help others as all of you help me.
I've thought at times about getting a dog or cat but I too have those same thoughts of wanting to keep the love I have for Sarah in a special guarded place. It's kind of scary to think of adding additional love when all of it was given to Sarah. I'm going to make it my focus to help as best I can the ones who rescue dogs and cats. I don't have what it takes to help in a physical way as it would be overwhelming emotionally to be around those who have been rescued. The people who are helping day in and day out are far greater than I, so I will do what I can in a financial way. Of course presently I'm far from being in that position but it is something that I used to do and want to do again only better. I certainly have a long way to go in coming to terms with losing Sarah in a physical sense, I knew I loved her very much but I never knew the extent of that love until she was gone. And now I need to find a way to express that love to her.

dear russ, i just read your post. it has been years since i have been here. this place was a God-send when i lost my babies. i have since rescued my very first doggies: lucy and ethel and they are the light of my life. however, i still cry when i think of my riley and fred; two of the sweetest kitties ever. permit me to offer my deepest condolences. i am so sorry for your loss. she was a beautiful little girl and i thank you from the bottom of my heart for opening your heart and home to a rescue doggie. i wish i could tell you that the pain will go away soon but i cant. it stays with you forever but please know that she lives in your heart forever and she knows how deeply deeply you loved her. i hold on to that day where we will be reunited with our loved ones: human and furry. i cant wait to call out my babies names and open my arms to them. i know you will see your baby too. sending you hugs. patricia

Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can so understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "I knew I loved her very much but I never knew the extent of that love until she was gone. And now I need to find a way to express that love to her." Please permit me to try to reassure you that, even though it seems during our deep grief journey that we were not aware of how deeply our love bond is with our companions during their earthly journey with us, - - our companions ARE - - and they know the love bond they share with us is ETERNAL - - which nothing in heaven or on earth can EVER change, diminish, erase, or take away from us.

Each time you share your love for and treasured memories of your beloved Sarah - - you are expressing your love for her. WHATEVER you do for another companion - - to help them find a loving Forever Home, to help an individual / family who is financially struggling to KEEP their companion with them instead of having to surrender them to a shelter - - you are expressing your love for your beloved Sarah. You are now her living legacy - - her living testimony - - to the eternal flame of love that is your hearts, and whatever you do out of the love that you share will honor your beloved Sarah.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Russ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Russ, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I get such a comforting and bright feeling when I come here and read the insights and the reassurance you all give. It is a blessing.

I just wanted to share with you the wonderful gift I got today on my birthday. This afternoon I laid down and was taking a good long nap when suddenly I was awoke from my sleep by one single loud attention getting bark. And I instantly recognized it a Sarah's bark. I was still groggy when I heard it and I replied back " what cha want baby girl". I then realized what had happened and while still sort of stunned I thanked her and told her I love you.
Now perhaps I was dreaming but I've yet to really have a dream with Sarah in it for some reason. And I've never had a dream with such a loud sound that it would wake me up, and the bark didn't come from outside, that bark was in my bedroom just as plain as day. So at least however it came to be, that one, loud, I want you to wake up kind of a bark was the most beautiful bark I've ever heard and from it I have been given the gift of some real relief from my very troubled broken heart and renewed confidence that me and Sarah are physically separated for only a little while.

Hi Russ,

How wonderful it is that Sarah made her presence known to you with that loud bark. Shortly after Joe and Steve died I heard scratching around in a litter box that was no longer there. Two times it woke me up from a sound sleep. I have also heard scratching on the dining room chairs in the other room and several times I have felt phantom kitty feet at the end of my bed. My boys have appeared to me in several dreams, but most of these dreams happened after I got past the really hard grieving. I almost feel like my deep grief was blocking them from coming to me. At first these things made me sad for the loss of their physical presence with me, but I have come to appreciate these visits. On occasion, I still light candles for them and have a little chat with them. Tears are always so close to the surface during these times, but it makes me feel close to them still. It's been 10 weeks since they left and I can hardly believe it's been so long.

Your recent posts sound as if you are starting to heal a bit and I'm so happy the deep pain is being eased somewhat for you. When the time is right somewhere down the line, you will have so much love and companionship to offer to another furry one. I'm not sure if that's something you've thought about, but how lucky a sweet puppy will be to have someone as devoted as you to live with and love.

Here's hoping you'll have a good day and Happy Birthday to you (belated). (My 50th is coming next month.)

CritzyJ

Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and this WONDERFUL gift your beloved Sarah has given you - - the reassurance that her sweet Living Spirit is with you. Hearing her bark is not a figment of your imagination - - it is REAL - - and I am SOOO HAPPY for you that this experience happened on your birthday. May you and your beloved Sarah continue to have more "experiences" together.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Russ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Russ, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hello, I just wanted to talk a little today, Yes Sarah gave me a great birthday present last week, and since then I've had a couple other little hints to let me know she is o.k. Even though these things are very comforting I am still very distraught. Little moments sneak up on me and I am swept back to the time right before she left. These moments stop me cold in my tracks and I'm hit with a brief panic-like attack. I get an all over chill and that just got punched in the stomach feeling, and I feel a silent scream of dis-belief and reality building inside. That's the only way I can best put feelings into words.
I've never before experienced these strong emotions to this extent. The layered feelings of regret, sorrow, guilt, intense loss and the horrible feeling of helplessness in a situation that you are powerless to stop, are all felt simultaneously along with an intense focused love.

Thank you all so much, as more time passes I find myself again and again having new found admiration and appreciation for this site and for each of you.

Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal through this deep grief adjustment journey. I promise you it will not always be this way - - but until this time comes for you please know that what you are feeling is very normal, and we are here for you to help you through the difficult moments, to share with you the better moments, and to try to comfort you through the moments when your heart feels like it can no longer endure the burden of the deepest sorrow you have ever known.

Sometimes words of comfort can sound trite and meaningless. Sometimes lisentening without speaking is the best way to share another's deepest sorrow. I truly hope somehow you feel my sincerest friendship reaching out to you across the cyber miles to try to offer you comfort during this very difficult adjustment in your life.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Russ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Russ, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi, yes it is comforting to have someone who knows your heart-ache. I truly need a way to get my feeling out, not only for my own sake but for honoring Sarah. I start to feel claustrophobic in a sense, I have all of this love I hold inside that I want show my baby girl and by expressing it to someone is in a way like letting Sarah know how much I love her.
Some days are better than other but the nights are difficult. At times I feel a separation that is unbearable. I hope my mind will one day convince my feelings to keep a positive outlook in knowing that one day I will be reunited with her in a way that will be better than I could try to imagine. Thank you for your friendship and much needed prayers. Russ

Dear Russ

My heart and my eyes are crying to hear your story of your beautiful Sarah going back home to the Perfect World. Every single thing you say about the shock and awe of the emptiness and the so-many punches in the stomach and the not being able to do ANYTHING is absolutely true. It's the worst experience in my life so far - I imagine losing a sister will be much more painful but it hasn't happened yet.

From her place in the perfect World, Sarah has seen your grief for her and has sent you some unmistakeable signs that she STILL exists, She's OK, and she STILL LOVES YOU. As Moonbeam points out many times, we live in a word of senses - if we can see, hear, touch, taste or smell something we call it real. If we can't, we say it doesn't exist. But Sarah and many other animals have proven that this is NOT TRUE, Who else barkedd in your house? Who else did I glimpse for a tiny instant on waking a couple of days after my Grettta - the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived - went home?

Little Sarah seearched the entire universe to find you - just you - her one and only soul-mate. She shared years of love and life with you. And then she had to back home - where you WILL join her one day and be together forever. Soul-mates exchange pieces of each others' souls - she gave you a piece of hers and she held a piece of yours. This piece of your heart she took with her to the Perfect World, where she continues to trasure it. And the piece of her soul that she left with you, while it's breaking your heart many times each day right now, will be a source of love and strength for you until the two of you meet again. Meanwhile, Sarah's spirit is still wher she ever was: walking beside you every step you take, guiding your path, protecting you from harm, and most of all, sharing the love you two shared from the moment you met. True love like yours and Sarah's NEVER DIES.

Please be easy on yourself, Russ. If you have to stay inside for days on end, then do it. it won't last forever. We "solos" can do things that others who live with other people can't. I slept on my Rufus's orthopedic dog bed for more than a week after he passed (a very sad story for another time) just to feel closer to him. Hang on to the thread of Sarah's love and the friendship and understanding of your friends here on LS who DO understand because we've been there.

Have a calm dat, Russ, and please keep letting us know how you are doing. (And all of us know it's a SLOW, UPHILL lourney - it doesn't really end until you're reunited with your beloved furbaby.)

Gretta and Rufus's mom

Hello Gretta and Rufus's mom, I have been trying for days to access this site, it would come up as page not available but it worked today.
What a wonderful gift that your Gretta gave you even if only for fleeting moment. I know that the love that exists so strongly between us and our loved ones that have passed is felt and keeps us bonded together till the day we are reunited. Thank you so much for your words, I am so fortunate to have found this forum and those who are here are so helpful in a time when that help is badly needed.
I miss Sarah and need her close by, and I find myself stopping many times a day as the reality that she is gone hits me in the chest time and time again. I then take in a deep breath and let it out with the frustration of never wanting this to happen.

When I'm on here I feel that this is the time when I can show her how much her daddy loves her. Being able to tell and show the love that I have for her is a need that I have now more than ever and finding a way to express that love is a must. This forum allows me to do that and I really feel like she receives that love that I try to put into words here. It's been almost 7 weeks since she left and I find that as time has passed what once was shock now becomes pain. It is a very lonely road to walk.
I Love You Sarah with everything that I am. Thank You all, Russ

Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Yes, indeed, when our hearts are deeply grieving we can feel very lonely, very isolated - - as though we are on the "outside of life" - - not feeling connected to the world at all - - because OUR WORLD has drastically changed - - it is not the same as it was and will always be different.

It is an honor for us to share your beloved Sarah with you - - for sharing your beloved Sarah with us is a way of keeping the "eternal flame" of her sweet Living Spirit glowing for all the world to share. You, Russ, are her sole, and soul, beneficiary of her eternal love.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Russ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Russ, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[size="4"][/size]A few people I know said I should get another dog. When I would hear this I would immediately reject the idea and didn't want to hear anymore about it. I thought I'm not going to try to replace Sarah and to me that's what it would amount to. So I guess I was defending Sarah. Has anyone else felt this way?
I feel I would be betraying her because she is the only dog I've ever had and she has all of my heart. I don't know how to think about this, right now the thought of having another dog doesn't feel right at all. Sarah is so very special to me and I fear another dog would take away some of those feelings that belong to her. Has anyone else had these concerns or perhaps can shed some light on this. Thank you very much. Russ