Dear Tara,

I'm so very sorry for your loss.
Your list of things you will always remember about Vienna brought tears to my eyes. I could totally relate to what you were saying about grieving for the life you had with her, I feel the same way, I can vividly remember all the times I would hold my baby in my arms and feel there was nothing more I could possibly want from life.
My birthday was a bit over a week ago and I could barely bring myself to pick up the phone and reply to people's "Happy b-day" messages. We had a little low-key get together with a friend born on the next day and all I could think of was this year my baby won't be home to greet me.
I still ache for his physical presence, but lately there have been fleeting moments when I nearly feel him. I asked him for signs and I believe he sent me a few.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is we've got a long road ahead and some days are going to be harder than others, but we've got to put one foot in front of the other and hope that every day takes us one step closer to healing. People tell me that, gradually, as the cloud of grief becomes a little less oppressive, we may finally begin to feel their presence around us.
Thank you for generously finding the time to comfort me in the midst of your own grief.
Hugs, sending you thoughts of peace and healing!

Thanks again to all who continue to send support through this forum. It's been exactly 2 weeks since I lost Vienna and I've been pretty good most of the day because I volunteered to give surveys at a Farmer's Market (a project for my job) this morning to occupy my mind. Everytime I'd be by myself for a minute, I couldn't stop thinking about Vienna's last minutes and how she relaxed into my arms when she died. I'm not sure whether that was comforting or distressing today. I knew I had to let go. But it's still so hard. The funny (not really) thing is that each Friday has been harder than Saturdays, the day she actually passed. I got the really bad news that she wasn't doing well on Friday. So that was the day that it started to become real that I'd probably lose her...no matter how hard I prayed or wished for her to come home.

I started cleaning when I got home today, which helped for a little while. Then when I got to the spots where Vienna used to lay against the woodwork to keep cool, or just brushed the woodwork as she walked through the room, I saw the dirty smudges she left on the white wood. Because she had such long hair that trapped dirt, I'd gotten used to having to clean the woodwork in those places from time to time. But it felt like erasing her presence when I cleaned them off. I know that that's not the case. Still, it was hard to think she won't lay in those spots again or brush the woodwork as she excitedly runs to see what I'm doing in whatever room I'm in.

It's really nice weather here today. And I think that's adding to my sadness because Vienna would so enjoy going for a walk. With her long hair, the hotter weather was tough. Unfortunately, the last few months didn't allow her to walk as much as she'd have probably liked. So it feels like she's been cheated...and so have I.

I'm also taking care of my dad's three dogs. They're very sweet and loving. But they're not Vienna. She used to try to herd them and was very jealous if I showed them any attention. I'm trying to take as good care of them as I did Vienna and treat them with as much love. But it's just a reminder that the dog I really want can't be here anymore.

A few days ago, I thought I was really doing a lot better. But things haven't been so good since then. I know it'll turn around but it's a reminder how deep this is. I just have to keep telling myself that I enjoyed immense unconditional love for 8 years with my sweet girl. And I guess what goes up, must come down. It just sucks. I think part of what's been tough the past few days is that the people around me haven't been as present - either physically or emotionally. Some kind of think it's time to move on and others, like my mom and dad, both happen to have left town at the same time. My mom called yesterday and hadn't realized I was having trouble. So she said she'd call each day to talk. That's incredibly helpful and just reminds me that I still have unconditional love even if Vienna isn't here.

I'm just rambling today. Lots of thoughts and feelings that I just wanted to get out. I'm going to go play with my dad's dogs now and appreciate that they love me as well...even if I don't "belong" to them like my dad and step-mom do.

Tara

In the spirit of trying to keep the good in mind, I thought I'd share one of my favorite photos of Vienna at her happiest - rolling around in her own leather chair (or so she thought it was hers):

Hi, Tara, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing and your and your beloved Vienna's two angel-versary. And thank you so much for sharing this wonderful picture of your beloved Vienna stretched out so peacefully on her favorite chair.

During our deep grief it does feel like we and our beloved companions have been cheated from having more time together, particularly when we lose their sweet precious physical presence so young. It is very natural to think about the "what could have / should have beens" - - and the world doesn't seem fair. Sadly we are not privileged with the wisdom of foreknowledge - - which includes the how and when our companions will transition home to the angels when we embrace them into our hearts. Yet this is a good thing for, if we knew ahead of time the circumstances that would lead to our eventual physical separation, we would then be faced with the decision of not having them in our lives - - which would then deprive them of knowing a loving human heart, and deprive us of their unconditional love.

But none of this - - and everything else - - makes little sense when our hearts are deeply grieving. I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, Tara, and if I knew of one I most certainly would share it with you and everyone else on this wonderful forum. Unfortunately, though, the only way to navigate it is one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, knowing that you are surrounded by people on this forum who truly do understand what you are going through, and who are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Tara, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Vienna's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks moon beam and everyone else for your kind words over the past few weeks. Everyone always leaves comments that makes me think deeply about something that seems to be exactly what I need at that time. Because its raining again today and is cool - the kind of weather during which I loved to sit with Vienna right beside me - I've felt Vienna's absence very intensely. But your words about not being guaranteed a certain amount of time (or something to that effect) have become a bit of a mantra as I feel myself getting sad or angry. The reality of how things are...and were certainly meant to be...is just different than what I would've chosen.

When I came home to a house full of my dads dogs today...who are very sweet but obviously not Vienna...I was pretty sad and feeling very sorry that Vienna isn't here with them. But I found a card in the mail from the emergency clinic where she passed. It was so comforting because it was signed by every one of the staff. All of them mentioned how sweet Vienna was and how hard she fought against what was ultimately too tough for her to overcome. It helped me be assured that she spent her last days with people who treated her with love and kindness and who understood how precious she was to me. I don't know if this is common practice at places like this but they couldn't have done anything more kind to help me after Vienna's death.

So that's where I am today. Struggling with the complicated feelings that come from taking care of my dads dogs, dealing with the sadness that Vienna can't be here too, and appreciating the comfort provided by the people on this forum as well as those who provided such loving care to her in her last days. This is truly the horror roller coaster that's been referenced by many...and I've never liked roller coasters at all! But I'm keeping the faith that the unpleasant part will eventually end and the memories of the sweet, feisty girl I and others loved will remain.

Hi, Tara, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm so very glad you received the card from the emergency vet, and that it has offered you comfort. During our very deep grief it is the final weeks, days, hours, minutes of our beloved companion's earthly journey that weigh heavily on our hearts and minds. Please let me try to reassure you that one day you will be able to focus on the many treasured memories you and your beloved Vienna share - - and you will feel the warmth of these memories once again in your heart. But as the song goes "you can't hurry love, you just have to wait" - - also applies to this grief adjustment journey -- for it is a journey that is also filled with love.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Tara, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Vienna's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Today has been a really tough day for some reason. With everything I've done today or at work, all I can think is "Vienna was alive the last time I did this." I woke up sad this morning and have never gotten past it. I was planning to go back to kickboxing tonight after getting injured this weekend. But I don't feel like I can make it through the class without crying. For some reason, everything feels unsafe and hostile right now. Like I lost all my emotional, mental and physical strength when Vienna died. She was my shield and comfort.

I guess I'm kind of fortunate that things are a little slow at work right now because I can't focus for more than a few minutes. And, just like with just about every other place I went today, it feels unsafe. I've always really enjoyed my job and the people I work with. But I just want to be at home. Even though its lonely without Vienna, at least it feels more safe than anywhere else.

I don't even really know what to say other than I really miss her and can't imagine things getting better...at least not given how I feel today. This just seems unbearable even though I know I've had better days than this in the past couple of weeks since Vienna died. It's still very unreal that this happened.

Wow - I normally try to stay focused on the idea that things will get better. But I just can't see it today.

Sorry to hear today has been so tough. Who knows why some days are worse than others. I find no days are particularly easy, but some are just much, much worse than others it seems.

The one thing that gives me hope that things will get better is that the bad days are spaced further apart now, as opposed to every day in a row. But yeah, when they happen they're so intense. I hope your bad days are a little less frequent than they were at least.

Thinking of you.

Today's been another really tough day. I feel like I'm backsliding because I had a couple of days last week where I felt a little better. I feel like I've fallen in a hole or something. I find myself thinking about Vienna constantly and worrying whether she was scared or hurting before she died. I'm sure she was and I just can't stand it. And I just miss her so much. I knew how deeply I loved her and how connected we were. But I just had no idea how immersed I was in caring about her.

Today it's been storming and I kept finding myself thinking "I need to get home and be there to comfort Vienna." I never really even did that much for her when it was storming because she kind of hid. But I always felt like I should be here just so she wasn't alone. If you had asked me before whether I lived my life around her, I would've said no - without a doubt. But I guess I did. I think I really miss being needed...and I know I needed her for comfort as well.

This always helps me to write how I'm feeling on this forum. It not only helps me feel like I'm keeping Vienna's presence alive but it's also a consistent source of support. A lot of my friends and co-workers think I should be totally OK by now and my dad told me I need to stop crying. People keep telling me to focus on my birthday next week. i just dont care about that at all. I cant imagine feeling any differently for awhile. But my mom has been incredible - although it know it hurts her to see me so sad. But she's been out of town for the past week and has been pretty busy. So I don't have as much direct access to support right now. So - as I've said many times, thanks to all who've sent such kind words, thoughts and prayers my way. I hope I can do the same for others.

Hi, Tara, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are experiencing with your deep sorrow is NORMAL. Some people think that if they suppress their sorrow that it will make the grieving less painful. Clinical studies have proven that this is very harmful - - both emotionally and physically. Scientific studies prove that the tears we cry are literally healing tears as they literally wash the toxins out of the body that build up from the stress of grief. So please continue to release your sorrow as you feel the need - - even if you need to wait until you are able to do it privately. Your heart and body NEED this release. I promise you the tears will subside as the stress of your grief eases - - but only your body can determine when this happens for you.

Yes, when our companions come into our lives they become the center of our universe for they are totally dependent upon us for their every need - - food, medical care, emotional nurture, etc.. Their needs become second nature to us and our lives revolve around them. This is one of the many reasons why this grief journey is so painful when they precede us to the angels because we are faced with the incredible painful task of re-inventing our lives that no longer includes the physical care and attention we have devoted to our companions.

It is very normal for milestone events - - such as birthdays, anniversaries, etc. - - which have normally brought us pleasure to lose their excitement when our hearts are grieving - - particularly during the deep grief, as they represent the "first without" our beloved companion to share it with us. Once again, Tara, what you are feeling is very normal deep grief. This may be one of the experiences you will need to put on the "public face" to please others around you. Hopefully in some way you will feel your beloved Vienna's sweet Living Spirit sharing your birthday with you, and if so, I hope this will bring comfort to your heart.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Tara, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Vienna's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you moon beam for your comforting words. They're always so helpful and healing. The last couple of days have been much better although I've still had moments of feeling like this is unbearable. But I think back to when I was just numb and could barely go more than a few minutes without crying, and I guess it's better. It still seems so surreal that Vienna's not coming back. I've adjusted somewhat to not having her here. But it's like I'm just waiting for her to come back. I think it's going to take some time until I can wrap my head around the reality.

My mom is really concerned about me being alone at home. She wants me to consider getting a new dog fairly soon. Given that it still doesn't seem real that Vienna's gone, I think I need more time. Contrary to how I felt a week or two ago, I don't want to rush into anything because I feel like I need to be further along in grieving Vienna before I bring another dog into my life. Right now, even though I'm constantly dreaming about dogs and have even done some research on rescued Shelties that are available for adoption, I just think I wouldn't be able to see what's special in a new dog because I'd be mourning what I miss about Vienna. She was such a character - both feisty and sweet. I want to take more time to truly appreciate and remember what was so special about her. But I do really understand and appreciate my moms concern. And I think she's totally supportive of what I feel I need to do. On the plus side, I think the dreams about dogs are a good thing. In a weird way, I kept thinking that Vienna wouldn't want me to have another dog because I was hers alone. But the dreams make me think that it'll be ok. At the very least, some of the dreams involve Vienna and I'm able to hold and comfort her again - like I'm making up for her last few days of being so sick.

Anyway, just wanted to express how I've been feeling the last few days - even if just for myself. But I hope others are doing well and finding comfort during this tough time.

Hi, Tara, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I am so glad your mom is being supportive of you during this time of great sorrow. I do agree with you that only YOU can determine when the "right time" is for you to embrace a new companion into your heart and home. While some people find it comforting to adopt quickly after the physical loss of a beloved companion, others - - like you - - need to take the time to adjust to the "new normal" without the physical presence of their beloved companion who is now with the angels. Other people bridge the absence by pet sitting for family members or friends, while others become foster parents for homeless waifs who are waiting for a Forever Home. Only YOU can decide what is best for YOU, Tara. And rest assured that your beloved Vienna is already guiding a new companion to the moment in time when you will meet and you will know beyond all shadow of a doubt that he / she is the RIGHT companion at the RIGHT TIME.

About a year after my beloved canine companion Oslo joined the angels it was the time when County ID tags were being issued. When I went into the treasurer's office to pay my taxes I knew I would not be getting a new license for him. As I was leaving I looked at the electronic bulletin board which was scrolling the notice about needing to get new ID tags and for that split second I thought I had forgotten to do it and realized I did not have his Rabies information with me - - and then I remembered again that I did not have to do this - - and it was with a heavy heart for several moments that I walked back to my car.

So please know that it is perfectly normal for you to have moments when you will experience a "new awareness" that your beloved Vienna is no longer physically with you. It's a part of this grief adjustment journey - - which is a roller coaster ride sometimes.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Tara, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Vienna's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi TaraG

Stopping by to see how you are doing.

I can relate to so many things you're going through. Me and my hubby are talking about bringing another furry one into our home - but we know its not time yet. Our Scarlett will lead us to the new member of the family when we are ready and I feel Vienna will do the same for you.

I continue to try to navigate through this grief journey as I know you are. Some days are better than others. Sometimes I see the last image I have of our Scarlett's body and the pain from that image cuts like a knife. Losing a furry baby is a harsh reality to adjust to - all we can do is to breathe and take it one day at a time.

I continue to hold you in my thoughts and prayers.

~ Scarlett's Mom

Well...I think I may actually go to kickboxing tonight. I've been intending to go every week since Vienna passed but I've just felt too vulnerable to go do something so intense when it comes down to it. I lost my foundation of safety and comfort when Vienna died so it's been really hard for me to go back to this one thing in my life that's super-challenging and draining. But I had a good talk with a friend earlier, who lost her dog about 4 months ago. We both just sat in my office and cried for a long time. But I feel a little more "solid" tonight than I have in awhile.

I had a horrible meltdown on Monday that was basically precipitated by the fact that I couldn't find anything on TV I wanted to watch. I felt so silly. But I think it just reflected the fact that my main source of comfort is gone and anything unexpected or out of the ordinary right now feels really threatening. The good thing is that after I bawled so hard I thought the neighbors would hear, I felt better. And my mom came over, because I called her and told her I was having a rough time. So that helped as well. But I think she's about at the end of her patience with me being so focused on the loss. I understand that she wants me to be happy and I think she understands the magnitude of this loss. In some ways, I think it was good for her to remind me to pay attention to the positive things that remain in my life. But I also feel like I'm doing what's right for me and I'm going to come through this ok.

I had to travel to several different cities around the state yesterday. One of them was where I got Vienna from the Sheltie rescue. It was tough to stay focused on work when I was so distracted by this overwhelming longing to go back to that first day when our life together was in front of me. My co-worker and I stopped to eat right across the street from where I stopped to let Vienna go to the bathroom. I could remember everything so clearly and it hurt so bad to know that I couldn't go home to her. I knew I would have those thoughts when I scheduled this trip a few weeks ago. But I had no idea they'd still be so strong.

Well...it's been some good, some bad lately. But I think it's getting better overall. I'm still hit several times a day by the reality that she's not coming back. I guess if I cant go back in time, I'll have to move forward. But I'll always miss my special little girl.

Hi Tara,

It's all so hard, so many reminders, so many firsts without our babies. It's amazing how many things can catch us off guard. For me, the other day, it was passing the cat food aisle in the grocery store. Then I went to Michael's to buy frames for a few photos of my kitties that I've been meaning to frame for a while. I couldn't buy the frames. My heart just hurt so badly thinking out the finality of it all, I just couldn't buy them.

It's eight weeks today since I lost my boys and while I'm soooooo much better than I was weeks ago, I still cry. I still find that the raw emotions are so close to the surface. I feel absolutely fine and within seconds the tears flows.

Good for you for taking steps to get back into your life. You do have things to look forward to in your life. You will have happier times in the future. This is just a lousy process that we have to go through.

Keep moving forward. Step by step we'll get there.

CritzyJ

Hi TaraG,

Wanted to Thank you for taking the time to send me a message. This grieving process is so unpredictable - you're right "It would be nice if this were a linear progression where we could count on each day being a little easier than the last."

I keep going back to a quote that CritzyJ posted:

"Going through grief is like going through a tunnel. The bad news is the tunnel is dark. The good news is that once you enter into that tunnel, you are already on your way out."

I've been looking at this quote a lot lately and I realized I've been mis-interpreting it - I saw it as a linear journey and its not saying that at all. Its stating that at some time in the future, in our own time we will each emerge from this dark, grief space (tunnel) and we don't know how long it will take but we will. I have to believe it will get better for all of us at some point.

Hope you did go to your Kickboxing Class. I'm about to go for a workout myself - the last couple days have drained me so much, my workouts are the only thing that have been recharging me - if that makes any sense.

Hi, Tara, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, as you have so poignantly shared with us: " I'll always miss my special little girl", no matter how much time continues with your earthly journey there will always be a part of you in your heart that will miss the precious physical presence of your beloved Vienna. This is what eternal love is - - and nothing in heaven or on earth can ever diminish the forever love you and your beloved Vienna share.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Tara, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Vienna's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks moon beam for your continued encouragement as time goes on. It's been exactly one month since I lost my sweet little girl. I didn't think I'd ever get to the point where I'd feel relatively ok...but that's where I am today. I celebrated my 50th birthday yesterday. While there were times when some sadness caught up with me because of the awareness of the lack of Vienna's physical presence, it was a good day with good friends and wonderful family. I still miss her terribly...and I even had several of those weird moments last night where I woke up and thought I saw or heard her. But I'm getting through the days without the intense sadness and feeling of desperation about wanting her back. Not that they won't come back. But life is moving forward even though I didn't think it could just a few weeks ago.

I've even been having some discussions with the person who runs the shelter where I got Vienna regarding adopting another (or two!) Sheltie. There's a 10 year old Sheltie she's offered to give me if I'm willing to adopt an older dog. Oddly, I'm seriously considering this because he needs a home...and I'd go into it with more mindfulness of appreciating the present rather than counting on having a certain amount of time. Any decision is still a few weeks off because they have to check out my yard, etc. But I've gotten past feeling like this would be some sort of betrayal of Vienna. However, I'd welcome any thoughts on the wisdom of adopting an older dog so soon after such a tough and unexpected loss. I may do it anyway...but I do value input.

Anyway, things are getting better as everyone said they would. As an &%^ytical researcher who deals with social issues that touch the heart, I know very well that what you know to be true is often hard for your heart to accept. But you eventually get to it if you have kind support along the way. So thanks again to all who have helped me and others.

Um...not sure why it looked like I was cussing in my previous post (i.e., all of the weird symbols). But I meant to type "&%^ytical researcher."

Well...never mind. The weird symbols keep coming up.