Oh thank you so much CrtizyJ. I'm going to look into it right away. Poor kelly is a rescue dog and as you probably know, all rescue 'stories' are lies that shelters tell you to get you to adopt a dog. Kelly was said to have lived with an elderly lady who died. Well, if that's true, I'm pretty sure I know what she died of - starvation - after kelly stole all her food. I just know he knows he's not loved by one of the two people in the family so I'm trying to give him some extra love and I have earned a friendship = but not enough to make a dent in the food stealing. I love the little guy. How sad is it that a dog has to live in a place where he's not loved? Where he's actively disliked?

Thank you so much for looking out of your own terrible sorrow and thinking of my little Kelly.

God bless you, CtitzyJ

So tired...

So, I'm guessing exhaustion is normal in the grieving process, but holy cow! I have cried every day for the past 17 days and although it hasn't been as uncontrollable as in the early days after Joe and Steve died, I'm so tired... all the time. Trying to make a conscious effort to eat, drink water, exercise. I have to force myself to do all three (and believe me, eating has never been a problem for me in the past!). People tell me I look great. "Wow, you look so thin!" Yea, well, whatever...

Weird things set me off these days. A pair of my husband's black boots was sitting on the deck last week. When I would see them with my peripheral vision, I would think it was Joe sitting there. Today, I took plastic grocery bags and stuffed them into a box in the pantry. We always used them for cleaning out the litter box. It occurred to me I had no reason to save them and then for the next hour I had this horrible knot in my chest. Ugh! I HATE this!

The world just keeps going and I'm in a fog. I pull myself out of it for a bit to function and then... SLAM! It's back again. I've actually been doing a good job of grieving. I have allowed myself time to process, time to cry, time to talk to my kitties, time to look at their pictures. I'm okay with this. I'm probably grieving better than I ever have with the loss of fur-babies in the past. I have decided that embracing grief is the only way through it. I feel like I am honoring them well. What I'm finding, though, is how difficult it is to get through those times when it isn't appropriate to grieve. We have guest in town this weekend and so I'm holding it together, but the knot in my chest keeps growing. Can't wait until Monday when I can let it all out again.

CritzyJ

CritzyJ -

I can so empathize when you say this whole grieving experience is exhausting. Our Scarlett passed a month and a half ago. I'm seeming okay one moment and then the next bam out of nowhere I'm wailing away. Last night I cried and wailed for over a half hour, my husband could only come and put his arms around me, there was no stopping the tears. In those times that are not appropriate to outwardly grieve all I can do is breathe - but its so, so hard not to break down and sob. I share this with you so you know you are not alone.

Hi, CritzyJ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me add my reassurance to you that what you going through is very normal deep grief. Grieving is both emotional and physical, and the physical symptoms you are experiencing - - inability to concentrate, living in a fog, uncontrollable emotions, lack of appetite, etc., - - are all a part of the physical symptoms of grieving. It is good that you are keeping yourself nourished and hydrated as best as you feel up to it, for you can easily become dehydrated during the grieving process which can lead to needing emergency medical treatment.

It is hard keeping what I call the "public face" on when you feel the grief emotions swell and all you want to do is just cry or scream or crumple onto the floor. I remember so well the driving into work and sobbing - - gut wrenching sobbing, and being thankful for the privacy of the restroom where I could retreat to gain some measure of control over myself so that I could go back to my desk to resume my work. And then when I got into my car to drive home the floodgates of sobbing would burst open. You are right when you share with us "I have decided that embracing grief is the only way through it." I promise you it will not always be this way, but until the minutes, hours, days, weeks are easier for you please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, CritzyJ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Joe's and Steve's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I didn't cry for two days. Then yesterday it just hit me so hard that they are never coming back. I can remember them. I can memorialize them in every imaginable way. I can think of them, talk to them, but they are never coming back.

I found this quote today:

"Going through grief is like going through a tunnel. The bad news is the tunnel is dark. The good news is that once you enter into that tunnel, you are already on your way out."

Tomorrow will be one month since Joe and Steve left. There is still no light I can see at the end of the tunnel, but I suppose there is comfort in knowing that it is there, somewhere.

Hi, CritzyJ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing the quote about the grief journey tunnel. How so very true indeed.

Today is your and your beloved Steve's and Joe's one month angel-versary. I know so very well during these hours, days, weeks how nothing really seems real - - the things that brought joy into our lives and seemed important now seem meaningless - lifeless. Unfortunately there is no easy way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, CritzyJ - - there are no fast forward or delete buttons to press to speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. Hopefully knowing you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief journey.

I hope today is treating you kindly, CritzyJ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Joe's and Steve's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, CritzyJ, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Memorial to Joe and Steve...

I had two stones engraved for my kitties to put in my garden, along with little engraved paw print stones. They arrived over the weekend, but it has been raining for the past four days and I had envisioned placing the stones in the garden on a sunny day. It rained all day today, but this afternoon there was a break and the sun poked through. It was the perfect time.

Paw prints in the garden, which once were real and now are there in spirit. Soon they will be covered in snow, but when spring comes, they will show themselves again and I imagine I'll be in a much different place by then. A place where I can smile when I think of them instead of cry.

I am better than I was four weeks ago. No less sad, but I am truly grateful for the long years we spent together. Their presence still lives in every corner of every room in my house and always will. I miss you, my beautiful boys.

Hi, CritzyJ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and these wonderful pictures of your beloved Steve's and Joe's garden pawprints. Such a beautiful way to honor the enduring eternal love you and your beloved boys share.

There will be many ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds as you travel your grief adjustment journey, CritzyJ, and I hope you will know we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step you take.

I hope today is treating you kindly, CritzyJ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Joe's and Steve's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Critzy,

What a beautiful way to memorialize Joe and Steve. Having them in your arms would be so much better than the necklace and stones, I know, but what a great testament to the love you've shared with each other... what a wonderful way to celebrate them. And the thought of the Spring thaw revealing them again brought tears to my eyes. This process is so very hard. Fumbling with words at the moment but just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and hope you are having a peaceful, restful night.

So, I've been praying that I would see Joe and Steve in my dreams. Nothing for four weeks until last night. I woke up yesterday with a cold, and decided to sleep in the guest room so my husband wouldn't be bothered by my coughing. The boys used to sleep on that bed for their mid-day nap.

Anyway, there they were in my dream. Both of them laying side by side. I was so excited in my dream. The most surprising thing, though, was that my cat, Jake, was there, too. He died 13 years ago when Steve was 2 and Joe was 7. Jake was standing on the bed with his paws on the windowsill, looking out. He turned and looked over his shoulder and just locked eyes with me for a few minutes while Joe and Steve laid there with their backs to the window. Then Jake looked out the window again as if to say, "Come on, guys, it's time to go."

It's such a nice thought, the three of them together again somewhere. Joe and Steve wanting to take a nap in their old house and Jake leading the way to their new home.

CritzyJ,

Wow, what a beautiful dream. I've been praying to see Scarlett in my dreams too - haven't had that yet but could have sworn I heard her walking around in our living room. Yesterday I heard what sounded like her nails on the the floor. Made me so happy.

Sorry to hear you are sick - sending healing energy your way.

Hi, CritzyJ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing the wonderful dream you had of your beloved Joe, Steve, and Jake. I am so glad you found it to be comforting, and hope this will be the first of many more dreams of your beloved companions.

I hope today is treating you kindly, CritzyJ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Joe's and Steve's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moon Beam,

Just wanted to say thank you for all the wonderful, comforting, and consistent replies you have posted to me and so many others over the past weeks. You have such a caring soul and this site has been a big part of my healing process.

CritzyJ

Oh, the waves of grief are insufferable! I was feeling so good today. Wanting to encourage everyone. My mother's brother is within days, weeks of passing and I'm giving all this great advice on how to grieve. Not feeling like I'm past it all, myself, but feeling like I'm doing okay. Then this evening, I was slammed again. I saw my kitties in a dream the other night and felt like maybe this had given me a great moment of closure. Wrong! I'm just hit with the depth of this sorrow. I look at my two remaining puppies and wonder when their time is coming. It's all so sad.

We, the lovers of furry ones, accept the relatively short nature of their lives. And, in addition to this, we accept all those people who don't quite understand how much we love them. "Well, it's not like losing a child." (I heard this in the last week.) It's like a knife in the heart because for me it IS losing a child (two children, for me).

And the journey continues...

CritzyJ

CritzyJ,

As you know I heard that same horrible sentence from my Aunt - "it's not like losing a child" and when she said it I felt a searing pain in my heart. So sorry you had to endure this as well. They do not understand. I haven't spoken to my Aunt since but when we do talk next I'm not going to address it with her because she just won't understand and I need to conserve my energy.

Someone recently pointed out to me that when it comes to our furry ones: "we live in THEIR lives, they don't live in ours" - I never thought of it that way and felt it was a good change of perspective for me and my husband, wanted to share it with you.

I am very skeptical of this grief process - I feel like a child learning to walk - and just as I start to feel somewhat confident and steady I fall to the ground once again.

Keeping you in my thoughts - hope today is a good day for you...

Hi, CritzyJ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. While clinical professionals recognize that the physical loss of a beloved companion is as painful as, if not more so, as the physical loss of a human family member or friend - - and that the grief journey is identical to the physical loss of a human family member or friend -- sadly our society in general does not and unfortunately this can include the people who are closest to us emotionally and geographically. I add my sincerest sorrow to Scarlett's Mom that you had to endure the very painful and insensitive comment "it's not like losing a child". How wrong they are!!! I know how upsetting this is as I have experienced the same thing from most of my family members - - so I limit what I share with them for my emotional self-preservation.

CritzyJ, this grief adjustment journey - - particularly during the deep grief - - has many twists and turns, ups and downs, and turnarounds. Just when we think we are past the "worst" - - something can happen - - a song, a memory, etc., - - that can find us feeling like we are once again back into the depths of sorrow. The encouraging news is that eventually the intensity of these episodes will ease - - and they will become briefer in nature. Even 20 years down the road you may find yourself thinking of your beloved Steve and Joe and feel a mist come to your eyes and a quiver to your chin - - but I promise you it will not be devastating as it is now. As Scarlett's Mom has so appropriately described - - during the deep grief each of us are "toddlers" learning how to walk in our daily lives without the precious physical presence of our beloved companions. The good news is that none of us are learning how to walk again alone - - for we have the comfort, support, encouragement, and hope of others here in this wonderful forum to sustain us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, CritzyJ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Joe's and Steve's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moon Beam,

You are so right about misting up over our lost pets years after they are gone. My cat, Jake, who I mentioned was in my dream the other night with Joe and Steve died 13 years ago. His sudden passing caught me off-guard and I cried and cried for him, but he never came to me in a dream. It's been years since I've cried over him, so when I saw him in my dream a few days ago, while excited to see him with my other kitties, I cried over him again, too. Just seeing him so vividly made me remember how much I have missed him, how much I loved him, and how much I had lost. In fact, in grieving over Joe and Steve I was worried I would lose touch with them as I had felt had happened with Jake. But seeing him in that dream and sensing him so vividly helped me to realize that Joe and Steve will live on in my heart just as Jake has all these years.

CritzyJ

Scarlett's Mom,

So, I've been contemplating what you said about how we live in our pets' lives, rather than them living in ours. Never thought about it that way before. It makes me think of a few things. First, it shows how significant we are to them (and they to us) because their world is in our homes, essentially, and we leave and come back, leave and come back. No wonder they're so delighted when we come home. It also makes me think about how others don't really understand how much our babies mean to us. Primarily, our relationship with them happens "behind closed doors." They don't regularly see the love we share with them, see us act silly with them, hear the silly voices we use when talking to them. So, it stands to reason they wouldn't quite understand. Like you, with your aunt, I realize it's not worth trying to make them understand. We're all low on energy dealing with loss as it is.

I'm reminded of a favorite children's book of mine by Tomie dePaola called Now One Foot, Now the Other. And that's it for us right now, one step at a time. So, as you said in a previous post... here's to us finding the light at the end of the tunnel, but also here's to us learning how to walk again.

Now one foot, now the other...

CritzyJ

I read a cool quote today that I thought I would share:

"What you are doing in the process of grieving for your lost loved one is also grieving for the lost you. You are no longer the person you were, and what’s more, you never will be again."

I've been thinking about that a lot. Not that my whole identity was wrapped up in my kitties, but I was their mom and now I'm not and that has left a hole in my life. I'm still the mom of two sweet dogs, but each has it's own special place in my heart and each plays a role in my life and has such a strong presence in our house and in our family. Sometimes I sit and think and realize I'm not feeling particularly sad at the moment, but just not feeling quite "right." So, I think that quote is quite true. It's a lot about grieving the loss of Joe and Steve, but it's also about grieving the loss of a part of me. A part of me I'll never have again.

That said, every wound leaves a scar and I welcome the scar my kitties will leave on my heart as I heal. Scars always leave us with memories and stories to tell. They stay with us forever and so this scar left by the love and loss of my sweet boys will remind me of them always.

Hi, CritzyJ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing the quote you found. Indeed, there is a part of you missing - - a part of you that belongs only to Steve and Joe - - which they took with them when they joined the angels - - as they have left a part of themselves indelibly imprinted on your heart and life. One analogy that may help is thinking of the "broken heart" pendant - - you are holding the piece of the pendant that belongs to Joe and Steve - - and they are holding the piece of the pendant that belongs to you. When it is your appropriate time to join them in eternal joy, this pendant will be permanently reunited when they greet you in heaven's perfect garden. For now, though, you are their living legacy of their earthly journey - - and we are blessed to have the privilege of sharing their "eternal flame" of remembrance through your treasured memories of them.

I hope today is treating you kindly, CritzyJ, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steve's and Joe's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, CritzyJ, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam