My heart is breaking and I can hardly breathe from shock and guilt. This morning, I found out that my beloved cat, Bear, passed away last night or early this morning at his vet's office. He has been at the vets since Thursday morning due recurring urethral blockage. The vet suspected that he may have had a bladder tumor that was causing the blocks.

I had the option of taking him home on Saturday morning knowing there was a risk of having him block again over Labor Day weekend and having to send him to the emergency vet OR leaving him at my vet's office where he would stay on IV fluids and keep his catheter in to help flush his bladder and keep him hydrated. I chose to leave him at my vets because he had already reblocked once when the catheter was removed.

I got a call from my vet this morning saying that Bear had died sometime either last night or early this morning. My vet had removed his catheter on Monday morning because he had been urinating freely over the weekend and his urine was clear. As of the last check on Monday evening, Bear was using the litter box and seemed to be doing well. They found he had passed when they came into the office this morning.

All I can think about is Bear dying alone and in pain. This condition is extremely painful, and I know the end was not pleasant for him. I am sick with the thought that he felt he had been abandoned by me, especially since I hadn't seen him since Thursday morning.

I feel so much guilt that I did not take him home. I am 100% sure he would have blocked again over the weekend. The outcome may have been the same if he had blocked while I was sleeping during the night. But, at least he would have been at home, known that he was loved and not abandoned, and we would have been able to spend some time with him.

I am feeling so, so sick with this guilt on top of the shock of losing him so suddenly. Don't know how to cope right now.

Oh I am so sorry for your loss! What a terrible thing for any pet owner to have to go through. I think often times pets prefer to go on their own, without their owners there as they sometimes hang on for days, weeks, months longer than they should because they don't want to disappoint us. Are you having him cremated or will you get to bring him home and bury him? A ceremony of some sort with his family might help and you need to forgive yourself - there is absolutely no way you could have known.

We are having a private cremation.

I can't quit sobbing. I feel sad for myself which I know is normal, but thinking about him suffering alone is unbearable.

I wonder if he thought about us and his home, or whether I was going to walk in the door to comfort him? Did he suffer for hours, or did he go quickly? Did he feel scared and alone?

The last time I saw him I didn't even spend that much time with him because I thought I was just dropping him off for aftercare from the ER vet. I gave him a pat, told him I loved him, that I hoped he felt better and that I would see him soon. My God, I would do anything to go back in time...

Hi, Aviendha, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Bear. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion unexpectedly intensifies the grief.

Aviendha, this grief journey is filled with many different emotions that usually overwhelm us all at one time - - it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. Unfortunately guilt is one of these emotions, and it can be one of the hardest to reconcile. Guilt / regret comes from looking back - - to trying to make sense of things that didn't make sense at the time the events were happening - - of trying to reconcile the "whys" and "if onlys" that consume our hearts. From what you have shared with us, Aviendha, you did everything in your power to give your beloved Bear a happy and healthy earthly journey. You provided medical care for him when he needed it. According to all medical and physical signs, your vet was optimistic that he would be able to come home with you today. There really was no indication that circumstances would prove differently.

Unfortunately we are mere mortals - - including the veterinary care providers - - none of us have the privilege of foreknowledge - - only the "wisdom" that is gained with hindsight. Your beloved Bear knows that you deeply and eternally love him, Aviendha. Love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Love is enduring through all circumstances - - the good and the not so wonderful. Even though you were not physically with him when he transitioned home to the angels, he still had your love with him as the angels gently guided his sweet Living Spirit heaveward. There is no doubt in my mind that his journey into heaven's perfect garden was peaceful. How could it be otherwise with his heart and Spirit embraced with eternal love? And the good news is that your beloved Bear continues to share your earthly journey now just as he always has and always will. His sweet Living Spirit is forever a part of you, Aviendha - - he is always and forever in your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

This grief journey is one of adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Bear. It is a journey that can only be traveled in your own way and in your own time - - one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time. Unfortunately there is no fast forward or delete button you can press to speed up the journey or make it immediately disappear. It is a journey that will not reconcile in an hour, a day, a week, a month - - or even 6 months, for you are now on a journey that is filled with the "first withouts" of your beloved Bear - - the first hour, the first day, the first week, the first month, the first holiday, the first vacation, the first birthday, etc. Then there are the shopping trips and no longer having to get Bear a toy or treat or his food, and once again your heart will feel like it is breaking anew with the deepest burden of grief you will ever know on this side of eternity. For quite awhile you will feel like you have no control over your emotions, and nothing will make sense. It is important that you give yourself time to grieve openly for your beloved Bear - - as you feel comfortable doing - - for the tears you shed are literally healing tears.

But as dark as things are right now, Aviendha, I promise you that one day, when you least expect it, you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Bear and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and your heart will once again feel renewed with your beloved Bear's eternal love for you.

Aviendha, I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow that is in your heart. I can only hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope and you travel your grief adjustment journey. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone - - each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Bear with us, Aviendha. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Aviendha, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you so much Moon Beam. You hit the nail on the head on so many points. I appreciate the kind words.

I have somewhat good news, if any good can be found in this situation. A couple of hours ago, my amazing and wonderful vet called me because he was rightfully worried I had misunderstood his info. When I spoke to my vet this morning and heard the news, I think I must have been in shock and misunderstood his information. I thought that Bear had blocked again which had led to his death. As you may know, urinary blocks are extremely painful, so all day I have been imagining Bear alone and suffering due to a decision I made to leave him at the vet's office over the weekend. If I had brought him home, maybe the outcome would have been the same, but maybe he would have been at the Emergency clinic with 24 hour supervision. I'll never know.

Anyway, my vet said that Bear was NOT blocked, he did not suffer an agonizing death alone. In fact, the vet can't find any reason why he died. It was possibly due to kidney failure or toxicity, but again he's not sure because he said that Bear looked good enough yesterday that he thought he would be coming home with me today. He examined Bear, and there was NO tumor present in the bladder and no signs of stones in the bladder. It is a complete mystery as to what happened. The Dr. repeatedly told me that Bear-Bear did not lay there suffering from a block which made me feel much better. My hope is that he passed peacefully this morning. I STILL wish he had not been alone, and I can't shake this awful feeling that he felt abandoned. I would have NEVER left him the way I did if I knew that it would be the last time I'd see him alive.

Anyway, I'm coping the best I can. I've lost all 3 of my kitties in under a year, so I'm hurting pretty badly.

Thanks to everyone for their advice and words of encouragement.

I am so sorry to hear of the passing of Bear. I lost my girl last Thursday and I am still reeling from it. I'm sure Bear could feel your love for him even when you were not there and now he is free of pain and sickness - still with and guarding you.

Hi, Aviendha, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for the information your vet gave you regarding your beloved Bear. I am soooo glad that he was able to help comfort you that Bear did transition home to the angels peacefully -- no sign of trauma, etc.. Of course your heart wishes you could have been with him - - to hold him one more time, to tell him with your voice in his ears that you love him always. You can still talk to him, Aviendha, for the sound of your voice is like a sweet incense lifting heavenward to his ears - - and I assure you he is listening intently to every word you say.

One of the most painful adjustments we must endure in our grief adjustment journey is to the physical absence of our beloved companions. We live in a physically oriented world governed by the 5 senses of taste, touch, sound, sight, and smell. When our companions are physically with us, every time they touch us, lick / kiss us, they are literally chemically imprinting themselves onto us so that they can identify us out of the millions of other people on this planet. When they precede us to the angels, our bodies literally go through a physical withdrawal - - and it is very painful. It is important that you try to find ways to help bridge this physical separation. For example, when you ache to hold your beloved Bear you can hold a towel or blanket or toy or his collar - - something - - that belongs only to him. When each of my companions joined the angels I slept with their collars under my pillow for months, and held one of their toys to my heart when I could no longer bear the emptiness of not being able to hold them. No, it isn't the same as holding your Bear close to you and feeling the warmth of his precious physical body next to you - - but it does help. And I continue to talk to my beloved companions for I know they hear me - - and I do feel their sweet Living Spirit with me - - sometimes more at times than others.

I can very well identify with the trauma of losing your three kitties in a very short period of time. Losing one companion is difficult to cope with -- putting it mildly - - losing two or more companions in a short period of time intensifies and prolongs the grief. I am so very sorry for your losses, Aviendha - - I can feel the depth of your deep sorrow and shock. I wish there were a way I could take this deep sorrow from your heart, but I do not have that power. But I am here to share it with you - - and to try to offer you comfort, support, encouragement and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you again so much for sharing your beloved Bear with us, and once again - - I hope your vet was able to bring some comfort to your heart in sharing with you that he saw no evidence that your beloved Bear had a painful journey home to the angels. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Aviendha, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

One of the most painful adjustments we must endure in our grief adjustment journey is to the physical absence of our beloved companions. We live in a physically oriented world governed by the 5 senses of taste, touch, sound, sight, and smell. When our companions are physically with us, every time they touch us, lick / kiss us, they are literally chemically imprinting themselves onto us so that they can identify us out of the millions of other people on this planet. When they precede us to the angels, our bodies literally go through a physical withdrawal - - and it is very painful. It is important that you try to find ways to help bridge this physical separation. For example, when you ache to hold your beloved Bear you can hold a towel or blanket or toy or his collar - - something - - that belongs only to him.


Moon beam ~ I have never thought about it that way. It is SO true. I do feel like I am going through some kind of withdrawal. And since he was the last of my 3 boys to go, I feel like a chapter in my life has come to a close. It is hard to put into words. He was my last physical link to them since they had been together for so long. My 3 amigos. They were with me through so many moves, college, divorce, marriage, death of close family, birth of my child, etc, etc. It's like I can't imagine the world without them. The sadness I feel is overwhelming.

My three year old doesn't understand. I have told her that Bear-Bear was very sick and that he died and went to heaven. I explained that he can't come home. SHe asks for him all the time. His name was the first thing she said when she woke up this morning. It is heartbreaking.

Thanks for letting me get all this out. I appreciate everyone's kind words and suggestions.

Lindsey, I am so, so sorry about your loss. It is a shock to the system to say the least. I hope you find some peace in the coming days.

Hi, Aviendha, - - I can truly relate to how you're feeling when you share with us: "I feel like a chapter in my life has come to a close. It is hard to put into words. He was my last physical link to them since they had been together for so long. It's like I can't imagine the world without them. The sadness I feel is overwhelming." Please permit me to offer you reassurance that what you are feeling is very normal grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically - - still very normal.

It is recognized by clinical professionals that the grief of a beloved companion can be very devastating - - particularly when the companion is our last physical link between other companions or other human family members and / or friends. I know first hand how traumatic this is when my mom's feline companion Holly joined the angels in January 1997 and our beloved canine companion Samson joined the angels in March 1998. They were my last physical connection with my mom who joined the angels in September 1985 under very traumatic and tragic circumstances. I truly felt very devastated. My precious Noah now is my last physical link with 3 of my beloved companions who joined the angels within a very short period of time of each other, and because of my age and physical challenges he is my last companion I will have during the remainder of my earthly journey.

Although clinical professionals now recognize that the physical loss of a beloved companion is as painful as the physical loss of a human family member or friend, unfortunately our society in general, and sadly sometimes the people who are the closest to us, do not. This is why this wonderful forum was created to be a safe place where we can come to share what is in our hearts and on our minds with others who do understand what we are going through in our grief adjustment journey.

One of the many things you might want to consider is checking into some of the children's grief books for your daughter. Children do grieve differently from adults, and reading a book together that is written for your daughter's age may also offer you some insight as to how you can help her. There are some very good books you can review on this website and order through Amazon or other websites of your choice. It's another option you have to help you and your daughter in your grief adjustment journeys.

Aviendha, I hope today is treating you and your daughter kindly, and that you both will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bear's and your other beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks again for the kind words, Moon Beam, and for sharing your story.

I returned to work today for the first time. It seemed surreal that people were carrying on as always while I felt like my world had stopped. Everything seemed so busy. I felt like I was moving in slow motion. Very bizarre.

It is amazing how callous some people can be. I know they mean well, but do they not stop and think before speaking? As I have mentioned previously, my worst fear and guilt comes from the thought of Bear feeling abandoned and depressed and dying from being distraught. Can you believe that a co-worker actually brought that up today as a possibility for his death? A few friends were asking me about Bear and I was explaining that the vet wasn't 100% certain what caused his death. The co-worker started speaking, I knew what was coming out of her mouth and fortunately a very astute friend halted that conversation before she got the complete though out. I was devastated and started choking up. Did she think that I would feel better by hearing that my actions may have caused my cats death? I am already beating myself up over leaving him and I certainly didn't need my fears affirmed by this woman.

I had another talk today with my daughter about his passing. I have several articles and am reading a book which addresses helping children cope with loss. She seems ok, but asks for Bear several times a day and says things like, "He come home, He at the doctor" etc. etc. Again, she is only 3 so the concept of death is too abstract for her to grasp, but it is certainly a knife in the heart every time she asks for him. She said today, "Momma, Daddy, Lydia and Bear-Bear. We're a family!". It brings me to tears even typing it.

Then I had the 'first' time coming home from work and Bear-Bear not being there. He always greeted us at the door, and would follow me around for the rest of the evening routine. The house seems so empty without him. I miss his furry face.

Rough day.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You did absolutely nothing wrong, and you know what, I think our animals know that. Forgiving myself is a big part of dealing with my grief.

Aviendha131


I'm so sorry for your loss. I do know what it's like not to be there when a beloved companion passes over, and to always wonder and ask what if. People can be callous, indeed. I hope you won't let them get to you. Know that Bear loved you and knows he was and is loved. Take care.

TTT

Hi, Aviendha, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your daughter Lydia are doing. I am so sorry you had that upsetting encounter with one of your co-workers. Please do not take her insensitive comments to heart about your beloved Bear's physical passing caused from "feeling abandoned and depressed and dying from being distraught." This is so not true, - - please try to believe me. Sometimes with our companions, as it is sometimes with humans, a specific cause of physical passing cannot be determined. I know you must have watched many crime epsiodes on TV where the medical examiner ALWAYS determines a "cause of death." But you must remember this makes wonderful Hollywood TV ratings - - not a true reflection of the "real world." I know how broken your heart is with the anticipation of being able to bring him home only to be informed that your beloved Bear unexpectedly transitioned home to the angels - - including unexpectedly by his veterinary care provider. Please try to let your heart be comforted that your beloved Bear's transition home to the angels was peaceful embraced in the warmth of your eternal love.

And although your beloved Bear is no longer physically with you, he truly is always and forever a member of your family. But it is hard to be comforted by this when your heart is deeply grieving his physical absence. I hope someday you will be comforted in knowing that his sweet Living Spirit is forever with you as you continue on your earthly journey - - he continues to share your daily activities just as he always has and always will for he is forever a part of you and your family, Aviendha - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I hope today is treating you and your family kindly, Aviendha, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bear's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam