In the summer of 1999 I spotted a dirty, frost bitten and hungry cat by some garbage cans. I went closer to see him but he ran under a truck and looked up at me. He was wild and nobody's cat. He looked like he was barely surviving and would never make it another winter. I put out a bit of food for him and he started coming every day for a meal. At first I couldn't get close to him. I would sit at a distance as he ate and he watched me out of the corner of his eye. After about two weeks he let me get close enough to give him a rub around his ears. That was that. Rusty a long haired orange cat came inside to live 13 happy years with us (my husband Mark, my other kitty Siegel and later our son Ben). He turned out to be a prince, my prince. He was gentle and loving and was always at my side like a shadow. You'd never have guessed to see him that first day but he turned out to be a gorgeous cat with a flowing orange and white coat (he was voted Mr March in a Humane Society Calendar contest years ago). And he was so loving and gentle with a roaring purr. He'd lift up for me to pick him up and he'd put his paws around my neck and his head on my shoulder and stay like that until I let go, never him.

My love died May 26, 2012. He was with me 13 years but the vet estimated he lived outside for maybe two years so he was 15. He was struggling the last year or so and we'll never know exactly why he died (blood tests showed he had a number of things going on) but the morning of May 26 he collapsed and I knew it was time. That morning he slowly followed me everywhere. After he collapsed he howled whenever I would leave him for a few minutes. He just wanted to die with me. After he had a seizure in his arms I took him to the vet. He died looking up at me with that same wonderful gaze that I first saw when he looked up at me from under the truck 13 years before.

I miss Rusty so much. I loved him move than words can ever express and I will always love him. It has been 8 weeks of searing heartache. Yesterday I heard "still" when I was talking to someone about it and all I could think was "always". I know I will be with him again some day but the physical separation is so difficult. We were inseparable Rusty and I. I've read posts on this site since May but only felt I could post my own story today. Others around try to help but unless you've loved and lost an animal as much as I did, you don't understand. Turns out my other kitty Siegel (around the same age) is starting to have kidney issues so I watch and wait with her now too. It is all difficult but I have hope in the love eternal.

Thanks for listening and I'm grateful there is a place that I can leave some cyber evidence that Rusty, a once a dirty frostbitten stray meant something to someone, he had a family and was dearly loved in this world for the prince he was. I'll always love you Rus- always.

Oh Sher Mark

Rusty is one of those extra-special animals that carry a piece of someone's soul. And that person carries a part of his or her soul. Who can doubt that this is you and Rusty? These special animals search the universe over for the one and only person in the world who is carrying the missing "puzzle piece" of their soul. Not only that, these amazing beings deliberately place themselves in our paths so that we will find them. And we do. And the instant rush of love tells it all. After two years - TWO YEARS - Rusty found his "other-half", his soul-mate, the one who was carrying the missing piece of his soul and who was carrying the missing piece of his. You and Rusty are the rare beings who really are parts of a single being. No one who has not known this experience can imagine what it's like. Everyone loves their fur- feather- or fin-babies with all the love in their hearts and this love is returned in kind. But it is only once in a great while that someone's true soul-mate finds them - and I think most of them are guided to Lightning Strike.

Rusty's spirit has been alive since the beginning of time - as has yours - and they will be alive until the end of time. Love - true love - soul-mate love never diminishes, it only grows. Whoever created the universe chose to make animals' earthly lives much shorter than ours. So we know (but really don't believe) that when we give our hearts away we're signing on for one of the most difficult sufferings this side of the Perfect World. These spirit-animals come with missions as well as love. They come to teach us something, to make us better. My Gretta (the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived) definitely came to teach me the value of silent kindness, that kindness is in one's being, not in one's actions. Strangers would stop us while we were on walks and say what a kind dog Gretta was. The only way they could have know that was by her being, something that shone out of her. Oh, I'm trying to learn that lesson and making pathetically little progress.

Rusty came to give you many gifts: love, warmth, and a life lesson. Only you will figure out what it is. And Rusty will again be in the Perfect world from which he came, swishing his tail and miaowing like creazy, saying, "Yea for you, Mom. You got it."

Sher Mark, my heart goes out to you because you're just beginning an especially hard grief journey. In this journey, which someone has described as the roller coaster ride from Hades, there are no timetables, there are no shoulds, there is NEVER, EVER even a single thought that someone's grief journey is taking a long time or seems to be especially painful for them. That's because Lightning Strike is a family - a band of brothers and sisters joined in the common bond of having loved and been loved by an exceptional soul-animal. Alone we're weak - we sometimes think we cannot go on. But together, we are strong. We hold each other up. We support each other with a caring that only those who have gone through it can understand.

Thank you for sharing Rusty with us. We may not know much, but everyone here KNOWS and will NEVER FORGET the RUSTY LIVES!

In caring and peace,

Gretta's mom

Hi, sher_mark, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Rusty. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Gretta's Mom has offered you much comfort in her response to you. This grief journey is filled with many different emotions, twists and turns, ups and downs and turnarounds that can make us feel sometimes like we are literally going insane. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief. This journey is one of adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Rusty, and it is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time.

Unfortunately some people -- including the ones who are physically closest to us - - simply do not understand the eternal love bond that is shared with our beloved companions. There is no "getting over", "moving on", "closure", or even "acceptance" to the physical and emotional ache we endure in the physical loss of a beloved companion. These words became a part of the "grief lingo" when hospice was introduced in the US in the 1970's. But even the professional counselors are now beginning to realize that the grief journey is one of ADJUSTMENT - - that no one can "get over" "move on" or "accept" the physical absence of a loved one - - whatever the life form - - for these words imply "forget" - - and I assure you, sher_mark that no matter how much time continues in your earthly journey that you will NEVER forget your beloved Rusty. Not even the dimming of your mind with age will ever diminish the glow of eternal love you and your beloved Rusty share.

As painful as your minutes, hours, days, weeks are right now, sher_mark, please let me try to reassure you that in time the deep seering pain of sorrow in your heart will ease. And as it eases I hope and pray that your heart will once again be able to remember your beloved Rusty with a happy heart - - truly happy - - for this is what he wants for you. Even though you can no longer hold him in your arms and hear his "purr motor" it is my sincerest hope that you know his sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey just as he always has and always will. Your beloved Rusty is always and forever a part of you, sher_mark - - he is always and forever in your heart and your memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss in your heart. I can only hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone in your journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Rusty with us, sher_mark. How blessed he is to have you for his Forever Mom, and to have you, your husband, your son, and Siegel for his Forever Family. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, sher_mark, and please let us know how you're doing. And please let us know how things go with your precious Siegel.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear sher_mark, please accept my sincere sympathies on the loss of your beloved Rusty. I lost my sweet Tina due to cancer almost three months ago. She had been with me for over 14 years, and she was dearly loved. I do understand how much it hurts and how much you must miss your Rusty. Thanks for sharing his story with us. You gave him a wonderful and loving home. Whoever "dumped" him all those years ago didn't know what they were missing out on. Rusty was a real treasure, just waiting to be found by you.

Dear Gretta's mom,

Thank you so much for your kind words of comfort. I have read them over a few times today. It means a great deal that you took the time to respond to my post.

I have often wondered if my meeting Rusty was part of a plan. The reason I was outside that day I saw him and started feeding him was because it was the year anniversary of my beloved Simon's death. Simon was an outdoor cat and died outside. I was outside thinking of him and it was through my sadness that I saw Rusty's white paws under the fence that looked just like Simon's. Simon used to sit right on top of the fence at the spot Rusty was walking and that is why I was looking over in that spot on that fateful day. I often wondered if Simon helped Rusty find his way to my heart. Interesting too was that my husband was away the few days when Simon died so I faced losing Simon alone. My husband was also away when I met Rusty and decided to make him part of my life. And though seldom are we not together, my husband was away the day Rusty died. Rusty and I faced the day together without my husband just like we started our journey. The hard days when my beloved cats died were for me to face and perhaps learn lessons as you say. I'll ponder that more but one thing that I have thought and regretted in the last few weeks is this: Over the years my life had gotten so busy with work that I never followed through with a plan for Rusty and I to be a visiting team in long term care facilities. Rusty was so gentle and giving he'd let others hold and pet him without reservation. Never a hiss, scratch or growl in 13 years. Rusty had the perfect demeanor for this kind of volunteer work and I knew it but we never got around to it. I need to learn from this. Life goes fast.

Dear moon_beam,

Thank you so much for replying to my post. I have read your response a few times today. Thank you for asking about Siegel. I will keep you posted.

Your comments about the grief journey being an adjustment are profound. You are right. My life adjusted to having Rusty in it and now I must adjust to being physically separated from him. Adjustment is a good word for what I'm going through. Throughout my pain, my little 5-year-old son has been amazing. One day when I was crying he said to me something that you said above. "mom, Rusty would want you to be happy". It is true. I will reread your post many times in the next while to help me remember this. Thank you.

I've attached a picture that was the winning entry for Mr March a few years back- when Rusty was well (at least I think I have- will check after it is posted). I have such vivid memories of his struggles and the meds the last few months and I want to remember him this way. We shaved is beautiful coat toward the end because he couldn't easily groom and he was using the litter box so often and cleaning himself after was just making him more sick. You know, I kept that fur instead of letting the groomer vacuum it up. I knew I'd never see that beautiful coat on him again and the time would come when all I'd long to do is feel that soft orange fur.

Dean DannysMom,
Thank you for your kind words. I have read on this site about the loss of your beloved Tina. Thank you for giving even in your own time of grief.

I have wondered over the years what Rusty's life was like before his life with me started. There was a "cat house", and quite a severe case of cat hording it was according to the news, around where we lived at the time. When I took Rusty in and took him for an exam and treatment at the vet when we first got him, the vet was certain he was one of the cats from the "cat house" as she had treated a number of cats that were from the house and they all had the same illnesses and looked like Rusty. One of the other cats found from that house is named Sonny and my friend and cat sitter looks after him too and claims he looks very much like Rusty. She always called Sonny Rusty's brother. Rusty also exhibited behaviors that were suggestive of him coming from a situation like that. For example, he had no sense of "cat space". He'd walk too close to my cat Siegel and sit on her. She'd get so mad but by the end of 13 years, even she was used to it. I'll never know what his life was like--but there must have been a lot of time outside too because he was frostbitten. Miss Rusty and his quirks so terribly much.

Hello Sher Mark

Thank you so much for your beautiful and thoughtful responses to our posts. What a beautiful person you are. I am with you in thinking - no, KNOWING that Rusty was and is part of a plan. Finding you on the one-year anniversary of Simon's homegoing. Yours is the best story of how our soul-mate animals decided when, where and how to find us. They come with a purpose. Through your tears for Simon, Rusty showed you just enough of himself to draw your attention - through some huge heartbreak. Righ beneath Simon's favorite spot on the fence - where he knew you would be at that exact time. And the arrivals and passings of Simon and Rusty taking place during thoses few times when you were alone. That cannot be anything but you, Simon and Rusty being part of a plan.

That plan has been going on since time began, is still going on, and will go on until the end of time. Sometimes some of you will be together and sometimes others will be. Sometimes one of you will be "alone". It's only the person who experiences being so "alone." All three of you have spirits, but only you are still in physical form. And, as Moonbeam often reminds us, human beings live in a world of senses. If we can't see or hear or touch something of someone, we feel that they are 'gone'. But, Sher Mark, they really aren't. They are in spirit form - and spirit can do wonderful things. Like be in two places at once - enjoying life in the perfect World from which they came AND right by your side as they always were when they were on earth. Just a breath away, just a heartbeat away. Still on the job - guiding you, leading you and above all loving and being loved by you.

What an exquisite cat is Simon!! Surely he should have been cat-of-the-month for every month!!

Thank you for being such a beautiful soul ad a new LS friend. Rusty's story (and picture) has given me some strength today when, for a variety of reasons, I most need it.

In caring and in friendship,

Gretta's mom

Hi, sher_mark, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for the wonderful picture of your beloved Rusty. I am sooooo glad that when his fur was shaved you were able to save it so that now you have it to treasure.

As a former participant and trainer in Animal Assisted Therapy activities, please permit me to offer you some words of comfort and encouragement when you shared with us: ". . . one thing that I have thought and regretted in the last few weeks is this: Over the years my life had gotten so busy with work that I never followed through with a plan for Rusty and I to be a visiting team in long term care facilities. Rusty was so gentle and giving he'd let others hold and pet him without reservation. Never a hiss, scratch or growl in 13 years. Rusty had the perfect demeanor for this kind of volunteer work and I knew it but we never got around to it. I need to learn from this. Life goes fast." Although there are things that we "want to do" or "would like to do", I have come to believe in my advanced years that our life's activities are focused on what we need to be focused on. And I believe this is true for our companions during their earthly journey as well. If Rusty had been "ordained" or "commissioned" as part of his "focused activities" to be a Therapy Partner with you at the long term care facilities, I guarantee you would have somehow managed to include this activity in your earthly journey together. Instead, from what you have shared with us I firmly believe Rusty came to be with YOU and to have his earthly journey focused on YOU and his Forever Family. This was his primary "commission", and I know he would not want you regretting something that was not meant to be a part of his earthly life with you. Although this sincere desire was in your heart, and you are to be commended for it, I firmly believe that "timing" is always a major factor in when appropriate goals are accomplished. The "timing" for you and Rusty to participate as Therapy Partners was not a part of your life together. The PRIMARY desire of our companions is to have a safe place where love is shared with his / her human guardian. This is all our companions ask. Anything else is just a "bonus." You gave your beloved Rusty a safe and loving home during his earthly journey, and you are blessed with the priviliege of being his Forever Mom. Perhaps at some point in time your beloved Rusty will send you a new companion whose "commission" during your earthly journey together will include participating as Therapy Partners. And if this is so, then your beloved Rusty's sweet Living Spirit will also be sharing this wonderful activity with you. So please try to let your heart be at peace.

I hope today is treating you, your husband, your son, and your precious Siegel kindly, and that each of you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Rusty's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Thank you again so much for sharing your beloved Rusty with us, and his wonderful picture. He truly is very stunning, and his reflect the eternal love he shares with you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, sher_mark, that I look forward to knowing how you and your precious Siegel are doing, and to sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Rusty.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Sher_mark, that is such a beautiful photo of Rusty! What a sweet face! It's so nice of your son to comfort you, but I found that crying helps a lot. It helps getting out the pain, and even though afterwards we feel exhausted from crying so much we also feel like a load has come off. It might also help to write about Rusty. Amazon has a great book, "My pet remembrance journal". I've used it for both Danny and Tina. You can write in it, paste pictures and mementos in it. Rusty sounds like such a wonderful cat, and I know you regret not having done the pet therapy with him, but we do get second chances, and maybe Rusty will send someone just as sweet as himself to you.

Sher_mark

I also wanted to add my condolences and comment on what a beautiful man cat Rusty was. He looks like a long hair version of my Tang who was also rescued from the elements (thunderstorm) by a kind nurse at my vet's office. Your and Rusty's story touched me deeply because of the similar circumstances under which Tang was rescued and I also wondered what his life would have been like had I not taken him in. You are a kind soul to have given Rusty so many wonderful loving years and I know he will always love you his forever mom. Please let us know how you are doing.

Dear Tom's Dad,
Thank you for reading my post about Rusty and your kind words. Rusty was a very beautiful cat, inside and out. In all the years he was with me, I never lost my sense of awe at how wonderful he was and how glad I was he was with me. Truly I never did. I would say to my husband all the time that looking at my kitties and petting them never grew old. Amazing that animals live with us and we understand them and they us- and they are such beautiful creatures to watch. People told me that once I had a child, I'd soon realize that Siegel and Rusty were "just cats". Well I had my son and nothing of the sort happened. The family just grew bigger, that's all. Always in awe...thanks for helping me remember my beautiful man cat. Tang was a lucky cat too to have been loved by you.

Gretta's mom,

Today I put Rusty's litter box (the huge kiddie pool I was using as a litter box because he needed so much space and used it so frequently in his illness) away because Siegel doesn't need such a huge space and I don't think she ever liked the huge box. That was hard but in my sadness I thought about your words about Rusty's spirit being with me still. I talked to his spirit while I was emptying the box of old litter and that was comforting- he felt close. Wishing you strength too Gretta's mom and thinking of you.

Dear moon-beam,
Thank you for helping me work through some of my regrets and helping me find peace. You are right. Rusty did his primary job ever so well--loving and loyal always. So loving with me it would make me laugh the way he'd nudge everyone else out of the way to get to me and be my center of attention- always.
You know, I had a Christmas tree ornament made to put on the tree this Christmas. I am anticipating missing Rusty's physical presence around the tree Christmas morning so the ornament is a picture of Rusty and Siegel sitting under the tree and on the ornament is written 'always'. Picked the ornament up today actually. You are in my prayers too moon_beam. Good night.

Dear Danny'sMom,
I know that exhausted feeling from crying. It really takes it out of a person doesn't it. They say grief is exhausting and it really is. I'm tired all the time. I've starting writing down memories because I'm so frightened that memories fade and I want cues to help me remember. I've been on the last part about the day Rusty died but have been on that part for some time. It is all so vivid and hard to write it down. I think I'm ready to get to it now though. If I write it down, I'm hoping I can let go of the hard memories of that day and focus more on the times when he wasn't sick. Danny and Tina must have been wonderful wonderful cats too--hard not to be wonderful and happy when loved so much and they were clearly very much loved by you.

Thank you sher_mark. Tang is still with me, by the way. I adopted him last year from the vet where I took Tom, and still take Theresa. He has health issues (in my thread) but he's a joy. I read about your difficulty in putting away the big litter box Rusty used. I had similar feelings cleaning up after Tom the night I lost him. That and deciding what to do with the medicine. I was able to "talk" with him some time after that though. He still visits, I feel it. You sound like you can feel Rusty with you still, which is good. Keep letting us know how you are doing.

Dear Sher Mark

I'm so glad you can feel darling Rusty's spirit close to you. Putting things away is SO hard. It just feels better when you know you can talkt to your darling and explain that what you're doing doesn't mean you love them any less, that your love for them is so strong that mere things cannot add or subtract from it. Our soul-mates understand this already, but we humans sometimes have to do and say things to comfort ourselves.

Have the best day you can - and know that Rusty is working a miracle for you each and every day.

Gretta (and Rufus's) mom

Hi, sher_mark, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Yes, the holidays will be among the many "first withouts" in your grief adjustment journey to endure. I'm so glad you have the tree ornament, and I hope you will find comfort in putting it on the tree this coming Christmas holiday, and all the holidays afterward. And I'm so glad you are making a journal of all your treasured memories of your beloved Rusty - - and perhaps you will feel comfortable sharing some of them as you and your family gather around your tree as your beloved Rusty's sweet Living Spirit will also be there with you.

I hope today is treating you, your husband, your son, and your precious Siegel kindly, and that each of you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Rusty's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Thank you again so much for sharing your beloved Rusty with us, and his wonderful picture. He truly is very stunning, and his reflect the eternal love he shares with you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, sher_mark, that I look forward to knowing how you and your precious Siegel are doing, and to sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Rusty.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear sher_mark, oh I remember I felt the same way when trying to write about Tina and Danny. It was very hard for me to write about them, especially about the day(s) when they died. I cried so much when I wrote about their death days, but like you I wanted to write it down before it fades. I was thankful though when some of the hard memories faded and became less vivid in my mind. When Danny died it was the first time I had witnessed a companion animal's death. I didn't know that their eyes stay open, and it haunted me for weeks. I watched his lifeless body being carried out by the vet tech. She gently held him over her shoulder, and I saw his head flop to the side like a ragdoll. That hurt so much. Sher_mark, it does get easier as time goes by, it just takes a few months really to feel better.
I know that "tired all the time" feeling only too well. Grief wears us down and affects our immune system. Please make sure you get some extra rest.

Danny'sMom,
When Rusty died, that too was the first time I witnessed a companion animal's death. His eyes were open as you say and the only thing that broke our intense gaze was the tech saying "he's gone". I cry now to remember hearing her voice saying that. It all unfolded so quickly that morning and I was alone looking after my young son that I couldn't wrap my head around it. I took Rusty's body home. I knew that I wanted later that night when my son was asleep to just sit with Rusty one last night before handing his body over for cremation. I stayed up most of the night with his body. I gave him one last groom and held his paws. I tucked a picture of me holding him between his paws and wrapped him in one of my nightshirts (he always slept with me) and a jacket of mine (the same one in the picture between his paws). Rituals I suppose. I wanted to be in some way with him when his body was being cremated and wanted to capture the memory of us holding each other that was in that picture. You know, my other kitty Siegel didn't want to get close to Rusty's body but later that night she did. She reached up to the chair where I laid him, sniffed, growled then walked slowly away. I knew then she understood what had happened.

You try and get some rest too. Take care.