Hi all im new to this forum but i was franticly searching the internet for help regarding grieving.

I lost my beloved friend and family member a couple of days ago Wednesday 9th May, my beloved Tess. She was a Labrador/border collie cross. I dont like saying "pet" as she wasn't a pet, i even refused to put a collar on her as she wasn't my property, she was my friend. But i knew the day was coming and informed my parents to take her to the vets if she needed too without me knowing as i couldn't handle it and she hated the vets. My parents got her for me when i was 11 years old, i am now 26 so she was coming up 15 years old. Thats what makes it hard, i had her with me from a young age growing up with me through a lot of important stages in my life and now shes not here....

During her life she battled through cataracts, severely poor hearing later on, arthritis, and the worst when she was around 11, pyometra which resulted in emergency surgery and the vet said it was a miracle she survived and that she was a fighter. She fully recovered but recently became victim to old age, losing her balance every now and then, sleeping most of the day, walking around in the same pattern like she had dementia and began to lose control of her bowels by pooping in the house.

My parents took her to the vets Wednesday morning whilst i was still asleep and the vet said she was ready to go to sleep :'( I was told by my parents as i awoke and they had already done it and come home. I feel guilty that i wasn't there for her as she was my soul mate and i just know she would have been wondering where i was.

I have had her through most of my life and now coming downstairs, shes not there any more I wont even walk or stand in the area of the living room where her bed was. A weird and horrible thing im experiencing is, when i go to places such as out for the day shopping with my partner every shop i walk in to makes me think of her. Even though i had never took Tess to that shop, I get this thought of "The last time we shopped here, Tess was still alive" and when i watch a popular tv show i think "The last time we watched this was only last week and Tess was still here" I cant stop this from happening and it upsets me every time. There is still bits of her hair hiding in cracks and crevices.

I dont know how to cope without her...

Hello Scott

My heart is crying along with yours on the passing of beautiful Miss Tess. This is one of the heardest eexperiences we're called to go through in this life. You were one of the few very lucky people who was sought out and found by his or her special spirit-dog (or cat or ....). Some people call these soul-mates and that's what they are. NOT a pet. NOT an owner. NOT property. (What awful words.) Instead, two parts of the same being, soul-sharers. Tess carries a part of your soul and you carry a part of hers - since time began and until time ends. These wonderful being search the universe over for their other half. And they FIND us - how incredible is that! Then, even more incredible, they put themselves in our paths so that we'll meet. Tess had to look extra hard because she had to find your PARENTS! Animals know so much more and so many more things than people do. Good thing, too, cuz that's how they find us.

Tess (and my Gretta and all the other fur- feather - and fin-babies who have ever lived - still live. They aren't to be called "past tense." They ARE, just as they always have been. Love, true love, soul-mate love, never diminishes and certainly never dies. Your and Tess's love will go on growing forever. And one day you WILL be together again. My vet, the ultimate man of science, said when he heard about Gretta's passing, "She's in a safe place now." Those words went straight to my heart. If he believes this, then so do I (and always have). Tess is still by your side and still on her job: guiding you, watching over you, comforting you when you need it, rejoicing with you when you can - in shirt, loving you and being loved by you.

The only difference (and it's a HUGE one) is that you can't see or hear or touch or smell Miss Tess - for a while. And without those sensory things, we (dumb) people call something "non-existent." SO not so!

The first few days are THE hardest - like you say, everything is "last week at this time Tess was here on earth". And the coming home to an empty house, with no wet nose and waggy tail to tell you how utterly happy she is to see you - well, that's enough to shatter any heart. Right now you're in the shock-and-awe phase - everything seems just like a high-powered rifle aimed directly at your heart. After this - and it may go on for some time - will probably come the robot phase - just "roboting" you way through all the "stuff" you have to do in life. This is actually Tess protecting your heart. A heart can only take so much, so she puts a wall in the way. It's not time that heals all wounds, it's TESS who heals all wounds.

One more thing before I have to go back to work: do not, DO NOT, let anyone here or anywhere else in your life tell you what you "should" do. Like "should get over it" - NOT. "Should remove all traces - DOUBLE NOT. Shouldn't still be brusting into tears - NEVER GONNA HAPPEN! Your and Tess's separation is unique in the universe. There are no "shoulds" only "are"s. I was so sad after Gretta's passing into the Perfect World that I velcro-ed two of her showsuits (it's cold here) into a pillow and slept for over a week on her special, orthopedic dog bed. (I"m a solo so I can get by with a lot more than someone who live with other humans.). I just share this with you to think of when you start to take on all those "shoulds". NOPE. It's you and Tess and that's all.

Your only assignment right now is to exhale after you inhale - honestly. Try to get SOME rest, even if you have to cry yourself to sleep. Take some nourishment. That's all. And however long it goes on, that's how long it goes on.

We're a band of brothers and sister here at Lightning Strike. A family whose members have all been found by and shared love with their soul-mates. We do get it. Most of us are still in "it" - even after many years. Alone we may be weak but together we're strong. Call on us any time 24/7.

Gretta's mom

Hi, Scott, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Tess. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed witih the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Please let me try to reassure you that your beloved Tess knows that you love her. Love is not limited to being in one's physical presence, so please know she felt your love for her as she was being released from her failing, frail physical body.

This grief journey is one of the hardest experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is filled with so many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time. It is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. This grief journey is one of adjutment to the physical absence of your beloved Tess, and it can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal grief - - very painful, yes, both emotionally and physically -- still very normal. Every day during the deep grief is a reminder that your life is now changed - - it no longer includes the preciuos physical presence of your beloved Tess, and it feel like your life will never be the same again. In many ways it won't be the same - - for how can it be expected to be the same when your heart is broken with the sorrow of loss.

The good news is that your beloved Tess' sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey just as she always has and always will. The love bond you and your beloved Tess share is eternal. It is not limited to the physical laws of time and space. She is forever a part of your heart and memories, Scott, and nothing in heaven or earth can ever change this. Your beloved Tess is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know there are no words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss that is in your heart, Scott. I can only hope that the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone in your journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Tess with us, Scott. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Scott, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Scott-
I'm so sorry you lost your baby. We had to make the painful decision to put our 13 year old Weimaraner to sleep last Tuesday. It was the worst day of my life, and I honestly thought I could not go on living afterwards. I experienced extreme guilt and doubt about whether we had done the right thing. I also felt guilt about things I had done or not done in the past, mainly giving her enough attention and love. She was very loved and well taken care of, but I think no matter what, you feel guilt about not showing *enough* while they are with us. Do not feel guilty about not being there for her departure. I was with my Nina until she took her last breath, and I still felt guilt. Unfortunately, as humans, I think doubt and guilt are innate feelings, and cannot be helped no matter the circumstances. We did go home following her death, and I could not stand to be in my apartment. I wanted to jump out of my skin, my emotions were so intense. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, and just had to leave for the day. When we returned home, I still did not want to be there. I saw her bed lying in the same spot, and just wanted to throw it away. I wanted to throw everything away that reminded me of her. I was very angry. Doubt, I have learned, manifests as anger. You may be experiencing this as well. I stopped myself at the thought of throwing her things away, and just stored them out of sight. I spent the next few days in a numbed state. I didn't want to be at work, didn't want to go home, didn't want to cook or eat, just went thru the motions of everyday life. I broke down multiple times a day. We had another dog at home, also 13, and I decided I never wanted another dog after he passed. Then, last Friday, something changed. I prayed (I'm not super religious, but I do believe in God). I asked God for strength and peace. It didn't happen immediately, but after that, I felt less guilt, and more peace about the decision to let her go. I don't know if you believe in a higher power, but if you do, whatever that higher power is, I think it is helpful to seek it out and ask for help. Sometimes that higher power lies within ourselves. Everybody's journey to healing is different. All I can tell you is I felt numb and angry and guilty for the 2 to 3 days following Nina's death. Then, I began to feel a tiny, TINY, bit better each day. I know the pain you are in, but please allow yourself to feel it, and express it.
It hurts like nothing else, but it is necessary, as part of the healing process. It may be helpful to look into a pet loss support group in your area. I found one and will be attending next month. It's always helpful to receive and share support with those who are going thru the same pain. Today, just a week and a half later, I can say I am doing better. I still cry a bit each day, and I think about her constantly. But, I have begun to have more happy memories of her. I can think of her and smile, and something will remind me of her and I'll say to my husband, "Doesn't that remind you of Nina?" and I will smile. I recently saw a quote that I love, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." I am trying to do more of that! I know I will still have tough days, but I do believe I am healing a bit each day. Like other have said, Tess may no longer be with you physically, but she IS still with you! And you can still love her, and she you. Please let us know how you are doing when you are able.

Hi all.

Firstly i want to sincerely thank Gretta's mom, moon beam and Kristin M. Your replies have been beutiful and mean a lot. Some people don't understand the bond we have with them and I dont want to count the amount of times iv heard the dreaded "Its just a dog" speech!! I loved Tess more than I loved many so called humans.

And I 100% agree, no soul mate, friend, family member is just a pet or our slaves. I remember refusing to put a collar on her and saying that the collar is just a tag to prove I own her and I DO NOT own her. I just invited her to be a part of my family and she accepted.

I have many pictures of Tess around the house but not many on this computer as its quite new. But the couple I do have remind me of her the most as they were taken not so long ago. She looks old and tired in the pictures but that is how I remember her at the moment and even then she was still loving and I would cuddle up to her on her bed and she still licked my hand and turned over for her stomach rubbed. (her grey hair reminded me of the mask of zorro I used to say "come on zorro" lol )





I don't know what I believe in, but I definatly believe in a higher power of sorts and have already prayed to Tess telling her I love her and miss her. I hope she can hear me...

Now I know how loss feels, I can sympathise with all of you who have lost your loved ones.

And I also now know that there are others who believe like me and love like me.

Oh Scott - what beautiful pictures of Tess. Old dog lying on a blanket. How well I remember (and miss, and cry for) those last months with Gretta. She had the white muzzle-of=distinction and a little bit of the white eyes. We used to cuddle and do the one and only trick we knew: "Who wants to make a wolf?" Meaning who wants to lie on her back - making her lips retract and a mouthful of "scary" teeth show. It was all for a tummy rub! Gretta was a rescue dog. She found me when she was about 9 years old and we had five wonderful years together on this earth.

It looks like Tess is a lab. Is that right? They're the best - the ones with the biggest hearts. The ones who most give meaning to the phrase "unconditional love." Tess IS alive and well, just like Gretta. We just can't see them or touch them or cradle them in our arms. That meant most to me the more Gretta aged. It's hard to explain but I know you know what I mean.

Seeing Tess, I just know that she and my Gretta are inseparable up there in the Perfect World. Two old but perfectly healthy girls, basking in the sun, swapping stories about the "old days." It's that image that will sustain us through all the grief and tears that have been and will be. Maybe they're even sisters. Could be!

Thank you for sharing the photos of Tess. They went straight to my heart. Definitely a soul-mate!

Peace, my friend.

Gretta's mom

Aww, what a cutie. Bless her heart. I love senior dogs. Gretta's mom: That is so cute about the 'wolf'. My husband used to play with Nina and growl at her, and she would raise her lips too! It was just so hysterical because she was the sweetest dog ever, and it was so funny to see her do it!

You will heal Scott, but it will take time. I thought I was doing much better, and I am, but I had sort of a "relapse" tonight, and just completely lost it when I found my Nina's Christmas collar. I felt like I was right back to the day she died. That same intense pain. But again, that pain must be acknowledged and released in order to move past it.

Those who consider pets, "just a dog" or "just a cat" or "just a etc., etc.," clearly have not had the special and unique love of an animal, or they would not feel that way. I love my dogs more than anyone on the planet, and that includes my husband and family members. (Don't tell him that). But the love is in a different form. Pets provide pure, honest, unconditional love, and do not expect a THING in return! That is something we as humans are not capable of, myself included. Pay no attention to these poor souls. They do not understand the pure and unconditional love that our babies give us, and honestly, I feel sorry for them.

So Scott: cry, scream, punch a pillow, talk to others, do whatever you have to do to get thru just one day. One day at a time. Heck, one hour at a time! Like Gretta's mom said....rest, eat something, and just breathe. You are stronger than you think. And we are all here to help you through.

Hello, Scott. Please accept my sincere sympathies on the loss of your beloved Tess. I am very sorry for your loss. You and Tess were so blessed to have had so many years together.

Hi, Scott, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for the wonderful pictures of your beloved Tess. She is no longer tired, no more gray in her fur - - no more aches or pains that come with physical age - - she is young and youthful once again. And when it is your appropriate time to join her in heaven's perfect garden your heart will soar with joy as she greets you at the Bridge.

Until then I know the incredible sorrow that is in your heart and the challenge before you to establish a "new normal" that no longer includes the precious physical presence of your beloved Tess. This grief adjustment journey can make us feel incredibly alone and isolated and make us wonder if we will ever feel "whole" again. This is one of the reasons why I emphasize that is so important you understand you are not alone, Scott. We are here for you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Scott, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tess' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Tess with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Scott, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing, and sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Tess.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Again, I want to thank you all for your sincere replies. Sounding a little cliche but I cant describe the amount of comfort I feel reading your messages.

Today has been a little hard. I agreed to my partners request to clean the house. We obviously used to do it daily but after Wednesday we haven't touched it but I knew we would have too one day. And i couldn't bare it, literally 2 minutes in I had to run upstairs and leave my partner to do it. (It's hard for her too but she only knew Tess a few years so is coping a little better than me) Sweeping up all the tiny hairs you cant see on a wooden floor until you sweep enough. Wiping the sideboards and hoovering, it was like wiping away the last bits of her... now she genuinely does only live in pictures and memory

I'm thinking of getting a couple of pictures together, one of her when she was young and another with her a little older and having them professionally blown up and put on to canvasses to hang on the wall. I'm not sure if it will help me heal or hurt more.

Also went in to my local pet mega store today where I shopped for Tess during her old age, mainly the medical section for eye drops, ear drops, etc..... It was so unbelievably sad to know I was never going to walk down that isle again.

I decided to have Tess cremated so I could say goodbye and scatter her in the favourite places she liked to visit. I hope I made the right choice.

I pray to her every night telling her I love her and miss her. I'm sorry for sharing my stories with you, I feel very selfish when we have all gone through this horrible feeling.

Constant thoughts are running through my head. Why do vet's always say "It's the right thing to do or the humane thing to do as she is suffering" I would fully understand in certain circumstances but vets and people in general say it a lot. It feels like my poor Tess was murdered :'( she was an old girl with arthritis and a few other niggly problems but with humans we would give them physio, surgery, pain killers. So why does an animal not get that treatment as a basic first point of call. Instead its always "its her time"

It just feels like I didn't do enough and if Tess was a human she would just be sat here now in her wheelchair on pain medication but still living life.

Hi, Scott, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to offer you some measure of comfort.

First of all, you did not murder your beloved Tess by easing her journey home to the angels. Everything comes with a cause and effect. Yes, there are pain medications and treatments available to our companions to enhance and prolong their physical existence. But those medications and treatments come with a price to their health and spirit. Every medication has a side effect, and some of those can be very life threatening. So, what is administered in the hope and intention of improving a medical condition can in fact be the cause of inflicting more harm. I found this out with my beloved Oslo, and fortunately with the wise intervention of his veterinary practitioner, the effects of the medicaiton had not inflicted permanent damage on his heart. What works for one patient can in fact be a disaster for another.

There comes a point in time for ALL living beings when "quality of life" outweighs the desire for "quantity of life." Just as with human medicine, there comes a point when veterinary medicine can no longer help a patient maintain a good quality of life. And when the quality of life no longer allows a patient to have any joy and dignity, then as their caregiver it is our responsibility to release them from their frail, failing, painful physical body. While the words "it is the humane thing to do" sounds very routine, I assure you they are said as the last words any veterinary practitioner wants to have to say. The good thing about veterinary medicine is that they can LEGALLY ease a patient's journey home to the angels in as comfortable a way as possible, while human patients are left to suffer not only with the complexities of their physical decline but also with the horrendous side effects of the multiple medications they are on to counteract each other. Yes, having to make the decision to allow our companions to leave their physical bodies is very hard - - devastating - - and heartbreaking, but it is a decision that is made out of the deepest most unselfish love we can give to our companions at a time in their lives when they so deserve it.

So please know, Scott, that your beloved Tess is eternally grateful for your unselfish love that now allows her to be happy and free of the physical body that was robbing her of joy to be physically alive. I do know how painful this grief journey is for you, Scott. We live in a physically oriented world grounded in the five senses of taste, touch, sight, smell, and hearing. When our companions come into our hearts and home our lives are changed for the better. They literally become the center of our universe because they are totally dependent upon us for their care - - feeding, grooming, bathing, exercise, medical care, emotional support. When they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again. We are faced with the most incredibly painful challenge of re-inventing our lives without their precious physical presence with us. The good news is that their sweet Living Spirits continue to be with us wherever we go and whatever we do. The love bond you and your beloved Tess share is eternal, Scott, it is a living and growing presence - - which nothing in heaven or on earth can ever take away from you and your beloved Tess. She is forever a part of you, Scott - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

Every day during this grief journey is filled with so many "firsts without" - - the trip to the store and no longer having to pick up the food, the OTC medicines, the toys, etc. - - Sometimes during the deep grief it feels like the deep seering pain will never end. Please let me try to reassure you that someday this deep sorrow that is now in your heart will ease, Scott, and you will be able to think of your beloved Tess and find yourself smiling - - truly smiling. The plans you have for the pictures of her sound wonderful, Scott, and even if you find it difficult to do now as your heart is still filled with deep grief, perhaps sometime you will be able to do this and find happiness when you look at her pictures again.

I know there is no easy way through this grief journey, Scott. There are no fast forward or delete buttons to press that can speed up the journey or make it go it away completely. I can only hope and pray that somehow you will find encouragement, support, comfort, and hope in the words I share with you. I hope today is treating you kindly, Scott. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing, and sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Tess.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam