I have been reading the forum for a while, but haven’t posted yet. It’s been just over 2 months since my baby boy was killed, and I’m afraid it isn’t getting any easier. I’ve been trying hard to cope, but seriously it isn’t working.

My beautiful little dog was killed by a poison bait. I’d had him since he was 9 weeks old, and he would have been 8 years old on his next birthday. We rushed him to the vet as soon as we realised something was wrong, but it was too late. He went into awful convulsions in my arms on the way, and was unconscious by the time we got there.

It was an agonizing end for a happy, brave and loving little boy. No animal should ever die that way, and this little boy was my best friend, and the light of my life. If only I’d been more careful and had him on a lead it probably wouldn’t have happened.

I keep going over and over it in my mind, and I can’t stop crying. Please help me.

Hi, Starlight, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your precious baby boy. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing our companion due to a villanous act of poisoning is devastating.

Starlight, there are no adequate words in any language that can come close to even remotely soothing the seering pain of loss you are feeling. While it is always good to have our companions on a lead, this is not a guarantee of total safety, as many responders on this forum can share with you. So please do not overwhelm yourself with guilt.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are going through is normal grief. Crying is very healthy because it releases the toxins that build up in the body from the stress of grief. So go ahead and cry, Starlight, it's okay. I wish I could be with you to hold you to offer you a shoulder to bury into to be there to just listen. I'm here for you, Starlight, reaching out across cyberspace.

There are some things to consider if you haven't already: Have you reported what happened to your baby boy to the local authorities and humane society? If so, have you received any information about the person who baited the food and the prosecution of this person? I know this will not bring your baby boy back, but if possible it will bring the perpetrator of this henious act of murder to accountability.

Starlight, please know your beloved baby boy knows that you love him and that you did everything that was in your power to give him a happy and healthy earthly journey with you. He wants you to know that he continues to be with you in your heart and your memories - - his sweet Living Spirit is forever a part of you - - he is always a heartbeat close to you.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved baby boy with us, Starlight. Perhaps sometime you would like to share a picture(s) of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Starlight, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you for your words of comfort and support Moon_beam.

I live in Australia, and here cattlemen are allowed to use 1080 poison baits for dingos and wild dogs. They sometimes use aerial baits, thrown out of helicopters and planes, and this was probably one that was accidentally thrown in the wrong place. It’s a terrible poison, for which there is no antidote, and it is banned in most other countries.

It happened while we were on a holiday in a campground and picnic area, and it could just have just as easily been picked up by a small child. I have reported it to the authorities, who have said they will investigate, and take steps to stop it happening again, but it is too late for my baby.

He was the most wonderful little chap. He was always happy, and loved to go to new places, have adventures, and meet people. He visited patients at our local hospital, and loved doing agility too. Here is a link to a picture of him at the beach:

My baby boy

It’s almost impossible to think that I will never see his smiling face again. He slept in our bed every night, and was always cuddled up to me. There was never a little boy who was more cherished and loved. I can still feel him in my arms, on my lap, and hugged up against me. I miss him desperately. And when I think of his last dreadful moments I start to shake.

I keep going over and over his last day in my mind, and I don’t know what to do.

Starlight

Hi, Starlight, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for honoring us by sharing a picture of your beloved Baby Boy. He is a sweetie, and I so well understand your deep, deep sorrow in his physical absence.

I'm glad you have reported what happened to the authorities. While whatever action is taken to try to assure this never happens again will bring some comfort to your heart, I so well understand how it will NEVER replace the emptiness that is in your heart and life and the deep sorrow that your beloved Baby Boy was sacrificed in the process.

I am so honored that you shared with us about the joy your Baby Boy shared as an Animal Assisted Therapy Partner as well as his athletic skills in agility in addition to being the light of your life. My handsome Black Lab Oslo (see my topic on Oslo if you'd like) also served with me in AAT activities during his earthly journey, so I so well understand the joy you and your beloved Baby Boy shared with this community service.

"I miss him desperately. And when I think of his last dreadful moments I start to shake. I keep going over and over his last day in my mind, and I don’t know what to do."

Our brains record every event we experience during our earthly journey. Through time - - and memory overload - - our brain files away the old memories of our experiences in dusty file cabinets to make room for more current memories to be easily accessed. The old memories are always there - - somewhere - - to be recalled at an appropriate time. When we experience a traumatic episode - - and the physical loss of your beloved Baby Boy through poisoning IS a traumatic episode - - our brains focus in on this single traumatic event and replays it over and over again trying to process it - - to have it make sense to us - - and to try to find a place where it can be filed away deep in the archives so that we will not have to continually be struggling to deal with the painfulness of the traumatic event. Examples of this are war veterans, survivors and families of victims of terrorist attacks, - - AND witnessing the horrific death of a beloved companion - - your beloved Baby Boy.

For different tragic and traumatic experiences several years ago, I do understand what you are going through, and because of my specific experiences I needed the assistance of a professional counselor to help me. One technique that he taught me was forced re-direction of my thoughts when I found myself experiencing a flashback. This technique does require a dedicated effort and it doesn't provide an INSTANT resolution - - but over time and determination it does help the brain to lessen the intensity of the flashback to the traumatic event. Will you ever forget what happened to your beloved Baby Boy? No. The goal is to try to lessen the intensity of the memory, which in turn will help lessen the intensity of your grief, which in turn will enable you to focus on the WONDERFUL memories you and your beloved Baby Boy shared during your earthly journey together - - AND will help you to realize that his sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey just as he always has and always will.

It’s almost impossible to think that I will never see his smiling face again."

Starlight, please try to let me reassure you and give you hope that you WILL see your beloved Baby Boy's sweet smiling face again. I know it is so very hard to believe when our hearts are entrenched in deep seering pain of loss, but I assure you it is true. We live in a physically oriented world governed by the physical laws of time and space through the five senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. We become so focused on these five senses that we can come to believe that this physical life is all there is. In reality though it isn't our physical bodies that determine who we are - - INCLUDING our beloved companions. It is our heart and spirit and soul that reveal who we are during our earthly journey. The physical body is merely a visible package. I assure you, Starlight, that your Baby Boy's sweet Living Spirit that he revealed to you during his earthly journey continues to live on through the eternal love bond you and your beloved Baby Boy began to develop with one another the moment you embraced each other into your hearts and lives. And when your deep grief eases, I KNOW somehow somewhere sometime probably when you least expect it your beloved Baby Boy is going to give you an opportunity to see his smiling face again - - and you will KNOW it is your beloved Baby Boy beyond all shadow of a doubt.

Starlight, this grief journey is a long and winding road filled with so many twists and turns, ups and downs, and turnarounds we can literally begin to feel like we are losing our minds - - wondering if there is any way through or out of the dark tunnel of deep sorrow. I promise you, Starlight, that you WILL endure through your grief journey and that you will be able to find a peace in your heart again. And because this grief journey is impossible to travel alone by ourselves, it is so very important for you to know that each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope what I have shared with you will be helpful, Starlight - - will offer you encouragement, comfort, and hope. Thank you again so much for sharing your beloved Baby Boy with us, and for letting us know how you're doing. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Starlight, and that I look forward to knowing how things are going for you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you Moonbeam. I wish I had your faith, and knew I would see my little boy again. As it is I feel that he is gone from me forever, and it's more than I can bear.

I have just been looking at your photograph of Oslo. Such a handsome boy, and such character in that face. You must miss him terribly.

Hugs
Starlight

Hi, Starlight, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing my Oslo with me in the depth of your sorrow. When we are in deep grief, it is hard to have faith or hope for much of anything - - except to believe that the deep seering pain in our hearts will never end. This is one of the many reasons why we need the strength of others to believe for us while we are struggling with our grief journey. So if it helps, Starlight, hold onto my faith for I hope it will be a guiding light for you as you travel through the darkness of your grief journey. I know the light must seem barely perceptible right now, but hopefully in time the faint imperceptible flicker will begin to glow a little brighter until one day you are able to feel the warmth of the flame and are able to hold the candle of hope in your hands.

Starlight, thank you again so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and honoring us by sharing your beloved Baby Boy with us. I hope today is being kind to you, and that you will have a peaceful evening tonight. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Starlight, and that I look forward to sharing how things are going for you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Starlight, My heart goes out to you, losing your little boy would be bad enough, but the way you lost him is so hard...I wish I had better words for you, please know you are not alone on this hard road and come here whenever you need to, thinking of you today and sending hugs, Leejaye

Thank you Moon_Beam and LeeJaye. We have been travelling for the past 6 months, but are heading back for the holidays. I'm hoping being with family and friends it may make the grief a little easier to bear, especially seeing my best friend who loved our little man so much too. It will be a very hard Christmas without my baby boy though.

Love
Starlight

Dear Starlight,

Please accept my deepest sympathy on the terrible loss of your Baby Boy. I cannot begin to imagine your sorrow and grief after such a dastadly act. However, like your Lightning-Strike mentor (and mine, too) offered her faith and hope for you to carry, so do I. I also offer my support in any way that you need and my understanding just because.....

I've lost 6 boys over the course of the past 25 years and not one of them was easy to bear and they are all remembered every single day of my life. I guess I was "lucky" because I had to make the euthanasia-decision every time and every one, but my first (Crocker) were sent over the Rainbow Bridge from our living room. That's one reason that I am so very, very sorry for your loss.

Please continue to listen to Moon_Beam and everyone else on this forum. We are here to listen, support, understand and hold you up and, of course, to always remember your Baby Boy. I strongly believe that I will be reunited, in Spirit, with all of my boys and thus, I have been telling Trevor (my latest boy to pass over) to keep an eye on your little one.

I will be gone for a couple weeks, but others will be checking in with you. I will write ASAP upon my return. And be thinking of you, your husband and Baby Boy.

Blessings.........................
Bobbie (Trevor's mom)

Thanks Bobbie. I am so sorry for all your losses, and your precious Trevor most of all.

I thought I would have my little boy with me for such a long time. He was only seven years old, and so fit and healthy. I called him my little sunshine, as he was such a happy little chap, with such a big personality. Even though he died in my arms, I still can't really believe he is gone. Sometimes he still seems so alive to me, and that is the hardest time of all.

Because we were in such a remote area when it happened, I couldn't fly his little body home for burial, and had to have him sent by road to the closest major city for cremation. When I picked up his ashes I completely lost it - all that love and life reduced to just nothing was almost more than I could bear.

I have lost people who I loved, and of course I grieved for them. It seems wrong, but losing my baby boy has been so much harder. He was my darling and my joy, and the light of my life, and I seriously don't know how I can go on without him.

Love
Starlight

Hi Starlight,

I hope that you will allow me to express my deep and sincere condolences for the tragic and sudden loss of your baby boy, so suddenly taken away from you.

What a hideous situation, and how awful for you to have to watch your beloved darling undergo it.

I am in Australia, too. My boy was poisoned, but in a different way - because the Council man thought it was fine to flout the regulations for weedicide and merrily sprayed the front of our property when he should not have done so. People can be so cruel in their stupidity.

I can well appreciate the shock and fear and pain that you are in. It is really good that you are being proactive in telling the authorities. Hopefully your story will stop some other callous person from setting out another bait. Good on you for being able to find the strength to do that, in your time of grief.

Do you have close family or friends around you, to offer support and comfort? Perhaps someone who could make you a cup of tea and give you a hug?

Thinking of you.

CJ

"I have lost people who I loved, and of course I grieved for them. It seems wrong, but losing my baby boy has been so much harder. He was my darling and my joy, and the light of my life, and I seriously don't know how I can go on without him."

Hi, Starlight, it is not wrong to grieve deeply for the physical loss of your beloved Baby Boy. Our companions give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention during their earthly journey, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them completely without reservation. They accept us for who we are - - they do not care about our social status, financial wealth, how fashionable we dress, where we live -- and all the other criteria upon which we are judged in human relationships. Clinical professionals now recognize that this is one of the many reasons why the physical and emotional pain we experience when they precede us to the angels is so intense. So please do not feel the need to apologize for deeply grieving the physical absence of your beloved Baby Boy. And anyone who criticizes you for grieving him needs to be avoided espcially at this vulnerable time in your life.

In our deep grief it is very, very normal to seriously wonder how on earth we can ever hope to continue our earthly journey without our beloved companions physical presence with us. One of the many hard adjustments we are faced with is re-inventing our lives - - who we are - - without their sweet physical presence to share our daily routines. During their physical earthly journey with us our companions are totally dependent upon us for their every need - - physical, emotional, and medical. They depend on us for their meals, grooming, exercise, medical care - - and every other facet of their lives. With the exception of infants, small children, the elderly, and physically challenged and chronically ill - - humans are able to take care of their individual needs independently. When our companions precede us to the angels we find that a HUGE amount of our daily routines are now void of the joy of taking care of our companions, and this adds to the seering physical and emotional pain we feel in our deep grief.

Eventually this HUGE adjustment is made so that we can continue our earthly journey in a way that will honor our beloved companions and the eternal love bond we share with them. But it can only happen one day at a time, Starlight - - it doesn't happen overnight or in a week or a month or three months - - it can only happen in YOUR time as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

The good news is that you are not alone in your journey as you encounter all the "firsts" and the challenges of re-inventing your daily routines and activities. We are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your journey.

Thank you, Starlight, for sharing with us how you're doing today. I hope you will find comfort and encouragement and hope in the words I share with you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing and your treasured memories of your beloved Baby Boy.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks CJ for your words of comfort and support. I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your own sweet boy, especially in such an awful way. Thanks again Moon_Beam for your wise advice too.

I think being on the road and so far form home has made it harder. My husband is of course grieving deeply too, but he tends to keep it locked up inside, at least when I'm around. He has been very patient and understanding, and I think he's trying to avoid upsetting me even more.

I have a dear friend who has been supporting me mainly via email, but it's not been the same as having her here. I have been talking to strangers about it all the time - just about everybody I meet I tell them what happened. One lovely lady grabbed me and hugged me when she heard, and I just burst into tears - she was so kind.

I am looking forward to Christmas back home, but I'm also a bit nervous too.

Hugs
Starlight

Hi Starlight,

How are you going?

I looked at your photo of your Baby Boy, and, may I say, what a gorgeous boy!!!! What a sweet little face, and such impeccable fur! What a handsome little man. Was he very playful? He looks to be very well mannered and affectionate.

Good on you for talking to strangers. I'm so glad to hear that people have been kind and supportive. Perhaps this will help stop the utterly nasty practice of poison baiting. The more people that know, the better.

Why are you feeling nervous about being home, mate?

Cheers,
CJ

Hi CJ

Thank you so much for your note.

He was so beautiful, and the best little boy you could imagine. He was very gentle, yet outgoing and playful. He was very affectionate, and his favourite place was cuddled in my lap, or snuggled up to me in bed. I feel like a piece of me is missing, as if there is a hole in my chest, and I yearn for him constantly. I still find it very hard to believe that he is really gone. We also lost a dear relative this year, who was the center of our family, so it will be a very tough Christmas for everyone.

I hope your own Christmas plans are going well. Are you staying home this year?

Hugs
Starlight

Hi, Starlight, thank you for sharing with us how you're doing. I can so relate to what you said, "I feel like a piece of me is missing, as if there is a hole in my chest, and I yearn for him constantly." Starlight, a part of you is missing - - the part of you that your beloved Baby Boy took with him when he joined the angels to keep him company until it is your appropriate time to join him in eternal joy.

The love bond we share with our beloved companions is eternal. Our companions become an integral part of our hearts and lives during their earthly journey, as we become an inseparable part of them in their lives. When they precede us to the angels, our physical connection with them is broken - - as is their physical connection with us. During their earthly journey with us they are continuously giving us treasured memories and they are memorizing in their hearts every moment we share with them so that when they precede us to the angels they will be able to take a part of us that only belongs to them. It's exactly like the broken heart necklaces - - your beloved Baby Boy has a part of your heart with him, as you have his heart with you - - and when you are reunited with him in eternal joy at your appropriate time your hearts will be united again - - forever.

This is one of the many reasons why right now the emptiness that is in your heart and your life is so very painful. In time, as your deep grief eases, the treasured memories of your beloved Baby Boy will become more dominant once again, and the deep pain that is in your heart now will be replaced with the warmth of the eternal love bond you and your beloved Baby Boy share. This is what your beloved Baby Boy wants for you - - and I hope and pray someday you will find this peace and comfort in your heart.

Thank you again so much for sharing your beloved Baby Boy with us, and how you are doing, Starlight. I hope today is treating you kindly. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Starlight, and that I always look forward to sharing how things are going for you and your treasured memories of your beloved Baby Boy.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks again Moon_Beam. I'm just hanging in and trying to get through Christmas. A friends beautiful boy had to be put down yesterday, and another's has just been diagnosed with lymphoma, so it's looking like being a sad time for everyone.

Love
Starlight

hello starlight
im sorry to hear off the loss of your boy,i lost my poppy on tues 6th dec.it has devastated me she was 8 and i had to have her put to sleep.i cry everyday and i still cant really look at her pics,i feel like my heart has been ripped in two.please accept my sincere condolonces and i know the pain you are feeling and this forum has been a comfort to me.i truly believe we will one day be reunited with our beloved pets and i dreamt about my poppy a couple of nights ago and i think it was her way of saying 'mum im ok'. your boy looks adorable by the way.
take care
gemma x

Hi Starlight,

Well, your darling baby boy sounds amazing. It sounds like he knew he was "home" when he was with you, and that he loved you to bits. Gentle, affectionate... What a perfect combination. No wonder you had such a bond together.

I am so sorry that you feel so devastated and like a part of you is missing. Is today any easier? It sounds like your Christmas is going to be very challenging and confronting. Hopefully having your family around will help bring you some comfort.

I have no plans to go anywhere this Christmas. I'm not much of a traveller! I miss my cats too much when I go anywhere. Soppy, I know.

CJ

Hi, Starlight. It is understandable that you are just trying to get through Christmas. It is hard to celebrate "the most wonderful time of the year" when your heart is breaking with deep seering sorrow. It's hard to put on the "public face" when all you really want to do is find a closet to mourn in - - to get away from all the "cheer" that only seems to reinforce the deep grief.

Starlight, I hope these next two weeks, and every day, will bring you a time of comfort to your heart. It is important that you find private time to allow yourself to grieve as you need to. And please know each of us are here for you to help in every way we can to offer comfort and encouragement to you.

I hope today is being kind to you, Starlight. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam