Hi, Olivia, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Our forum friend Bobbie has so compassionately shared with you everything in my heart, and so I wish to echo her words of wisdom to you. This grief adjustment journey is a one day at a time journey, sometimes a one minute at a time journey. During the deep grief we can begin to wonder if we will EVER feel "alive" again. I assure you, Olivia, one day, perhaps when you least expect it, you WILL begin to feel alive again - - the seering pain that is in your heart now will lessen, and you will begin to be able to remember your precious companion with a happy heart. But this just takes time, Olivia, healing time - - which can only be traveled in your own way and in your own time.

AND knowing each step of your journey that you are NOT alone - - not ever. Each of us are here for you, with you, and beside you, Olivia, with every step you take in your journey.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Olivia, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hello Olivia

Just want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you today and every day. I hope your heart has eased a tiny bit, even if it's only 1/10000 of a percent. Remember one thing: we are here for you - forever. You're part of our Lightning Strike family. Don't feel like there is some obligation or expectation about posting. Some of us do a lot of writing on the site - because we have things - like tears - in our hearts and it helps us to try to help others. Some of us just can't write because, like you, they dissolve into tears. But no one gets lost. We're your Lightning Strike gang and you're stuck with us ( :) ).

Your story about your last day together really pierced my heart. I was so like Gretta and my last day. She'd been slowing down for some time (no joke - at 13) and starting to limp on a troublesome right front shoulder. Denial is powerful, so I was kind of irritated when a woman we see every morning said, "Oh, you're limping like me." Right away my heart said, no she's not! We went around our usual two blocks and 5 AM and went back to sleep. At 10 AM (it was a Saturday) we walked around just one block and she was just barely walking - ever so slowly. By 3 PM she coldn't walk at all - just stand. I had a neighbor help me get her into the car and sped off to the U of MN Vet School - didn't want to go to one of those storefront e-vets. They examined her and said she has some kind of cervical spine problem and a bunch of other things I can't remember (thankfully). I was too scared to take her home - I knew I couldn't cope with her pain and semi-paralysis so, chicken that I am, I asked if they could keep her overnight. How could I know that that would be our last day together? And I hadn't done a thing special for her. Then I'd turned around and left her alone, in pain, in a hospital. That's still very hard to think about. They did some x-rays and gave her some neuro meds but she didn't improve. Mid morning the next day the senior vet called and told me that and told me that she hadn't voided yet. I knew that was a life-threatening symptom. The vet talked about a MRI and surgery and at that instant I knew it was time. Gretta was most DEFINITELY not going to have surgery! I asked the vet if she thought it was time. She, discreetly, said that was a possibility (which means yes in Minnesota nice). I raced over to the vet school and they were going to put her to sleep in a cubicle. I said no, there had to be a room, at least an exam room for that. They did then put us into the "comfort room" and lifted Gretta into my arms. I did what everyone who has been loved by their soulmate - held her, told her I loved her, sobbed my guts out and finally told the doctor to go ahead. She breathed twice in my arms and then went peacefully away. After they' put her in the wagon and covered her, I asked to see her face one more time. It's going to be a long time before that image goes away! Letting my best friend spend her last night alone and in pain - great mom, eh?

Half of my mind tells me that I did the best I could. Surely they weren't about to let me sleep in an animal hospital and I'm just going to have to face the fact that I lacked the courage to bring her home. Our spirit-animals know WAY more than we do and arrange things in a particular way both coming and going. Like Gretta crashing in one day - on a weekend, when I was in town - sparing me the experience of wondering "Is today the right day?" and "Did I do the right thing?" (Like any day is the right day, eh?)

I've told you my story to help both you and me. Me, because there are still so many tears inside me that need to come out. You, in that as the Good Book says, we never know the day or the hour. If we did, wouldn't we go out and buy a lottery ticket b/c for sure it would be the winning one if we could tell the future?

My best good thoughts and prayers and cyber-hugs are coming your way today, Olivia. Breathe deeply and see if you can catch them.

Your new friend,

Gretta's mom

hello olivia
I have only been on this site a few days but felt I had to post to let you know I am thinking of you. I too am going through a terrible time at the moment and keep forgetting that there are other wonderful people in this world who are going through the same as me. I am so wrapped up in myself at the moment that I thought I would think of someone else and that is why i am posting,.
Please read the posts on here espcially from moonbeam , gretta mum and peggys mum and all the other wonderful kind people. Even though they cannot take the pain away , they and I are all here for you. I'm afraid i am not as elequont with my words as the others but i appreciate what everyone is saying.
I am sending you cyber hugs from england

denise
******

sorry, I just read it all back and it's such an incoherent mess!

Hi, Olivia, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. As the angel-versaries approach it is very normal for the grief of not having our beloved companions physically with us - - of not having your beloved companion physically with you - - to once again raise questions and profound sadness that continue on in our hearts.

It is perfectly natural - - and necessary -- for us to have trust in the veterinary physicians who are taking care of our furkids. It sounds to me that the veterinary practitioners profoundly betrayed this trust, and you made decisions on behalf of your beloved companion based on the information, and the lack thereof, that was given to you. Each of these practitioners have "moved on" in their professional careers, but YOU are still having to cope through the consequences of THEIR inconsistent treatment.

I am not a veterinarian or a vet tech, but from what you describe when you took her to the ER hospital, it is highly suspicious that some form of cancer - - and a highly invasive and aggressive one at that - - was involved. The option of removing her spleen MIGHT HAVE given her some temporary relief and offered the both of you a little more time together, or she MIGHT HAVE succumbed during the surgery. When there is bleeding in the abdomen, and an abdominal tap is the fastest and very accurate way to diagnosis hemorrhaging, the diagnosis is very grim. And when it comes to hemorrhaging a decision needs to be made quickly. You took into consideration your beloved companion's age and everything that she had gone through just to get to the point she was at that specific time, and you made the most loving decision you could to spare her further pain and suffering by compassionately easing her journey homeward to the angels.

It is obvious beyond all shadow of a doubt that you love your beloved companion with all your heart, mind, soul, and body, and did everything in your power to ensure that she received proper treatment and good nutrition to have a happy and healthy life. Unfortunately it does seem that cancer appears "suddenly out of nowhere" with our beloved companions because they are master artists at disguising how badly they are feeling until they just can't do that anymore. And by that time, the tumor(s) are appearing and the treatment options - - depending on the type of cancer - - become very limited. I have lots of experience with this very sad reality.

"I want to just be grateful for all the love and happiness we shared, but even when I think of that, the thought of 'and you just threw all that away in twenty minutes...' keeps intruding."

Olivia, this is the grief guilt that is tormenting your heart and mind. YOU DID NOT THROW YOUR BELOVED COMPANION AWAY at the ER hospital. If anything, as hard as it is for you to understand with all the confusion you and your beloved companion went through the preceding weeks, you probably made the only and very best decision for your beloved companion - - to release her from her physically failing body. You DID NOT abandon her. Of course the uncertainty of everything still has you very confused and upset - - and rightfully so.

So, how can you begin the process of getting at least some of your questions answered. First and foremost you are entitled to have a copy of your companion's records. So, I would like to encourage you to get a copy of them with the DETAILED NOTES of both the veterinarian and vet tech. Since everything is stored on computers now there shouldn't be any problem. You are also entitled to place an inquiry with your local / State veternary licensing association about the treatment your beloved companion did and did not receive - - and this goes for the ER vet as well if you wish to include her. Try to get the records from the ER hospital as well. There is a Statute of Limitations involved with legal issues, so you may want to check into this by visiting your State's website to find out the procedures for placing an inquiry.
It is YOUR right to have your questions answered. You may need to seek the advice of a Veterinary Forensic Pathologist to try to get answers, if this is the route you would want to go. And if need be, you can seek the advice of an attorney. Most attorney's allow one free consultation.

Of course none of this will change what happened to your beloved companion, BUT she does know how upset you have been with the questions, and wants you to try to find some peace in your heart and mind about what happened. If having your beloved companion's medical records reviewed can help do this, then I encourage you to follow through with getting this as best as possible.

I need to caution you about what you read on the internet. Yes, the internet is filled with LOTS of good information and helpful advice - - BUT - - life does not always permit the scenarios "recommended". Some of what you are reading are "best case scenarios" - - which, sadly, you and your beloved companion were NOT having access to - - and MAY NOT HAVE changed the outcome. So, please don't compare the circumstances you and your beloved companion experienced with what you read on the internet.

"My family and friends think it ludicrous that I'm still thinking about it, that I should have long gotten over it by now, but they just don't understand."

Olivia, I truly wish there were some words I could offer you that would take this seering pain from your heart and soul, but I know there are no adequate words in any language that can do this. Please do not worry about what "others" may think - - what is important is what YOU think and how YOU feel. Unfortunately most people, even those who are physically closest to us, do not understand the eternal love bond that is formed with our beloved companions, and their insensitivity and impatience only adds to our burden of grief. I assure you, Olivia, that each of us here DO understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Olivia, I hope and pray that you will find some comfort, encouragement, and support in the words I have written to you, and in what our forum friends will write as well. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you very much for your reply moon_beam, it means alot that someone else understands and that you don't just dimiss my feelings. I am unable to reply properly at the moment, but just wanted to thank you for your post.

Hello Olivia

Something Moonbeam quoted from one of your posts (I can't find it but that doeesn't matter) ripped my heart in two. It was your question, Why did I throw her (all that) away in twenty minutes?

Oh, dear Olivia, you most definitely did NOT throw her away!! You did everything you could and more for her. As Moonbeam and others have said, animals are experts at hiding sickness and pain. It's a holdover from ancient times when only the well survived. We humans interpret thair actions as if it were a person who had the symptoms. Malaise, lack of appetite for a day or two -- it's a passing, almost nothing, thing in humans. By the time animals show there signs, they're SICK!! When a medical emergeency develops suddenly and you have to deal with your heart shrieking "No, This can't be happeneing. Please just make her well", and the professionals, no matter how good they are, are using technical language (or else language so simple it's content-free) and you have only a split second to decide - instinct DOES take over. And the instinct of one who has been found and loved by her soul's other half - like you and your doggie - is ALWAYS made of pure love. Nobody threw anybody away. You made the hardest decision you may ever have to make in your life - you chose to take on the unknowable heartbreak of physical separation for YOURSELF so that you soul-animal could be free from suffering and sickness. Olivia, she's "made it" to the Perfect World. My vet said about my Gretta, "She's in a safe place now." (Even after almost five months these words still break my heart.) We're doing the suffering now. No, not physical, but heartwise. One author put it that animals who have passed are only a breath away - and I think that's true. They can see us even if we can't see them (and that's what hurts A LOT!!). They're guiding us and watching out for us - so that our steps don't go astray - and loving us and being loved by us - exactly as when they were on earth. I just know that our two doggies are up in that Perfect World stretching out, yawning, and telling stories about their wonderful "moms".

With love and care,

Gretta's mom

So sorry about your loss. I seem to know what you are feeling. Years ago I lost my first wife to suicide and I seemed
to muster up the fortitude to heal and move on. Just Friday afternoon my 15 year-old male cat suddenly had trouble breathing and just died. I was so close to him all his years. I am devastated and cannot stop crying every hour or two.
The feeling of not being able to talk to him or tell him I love him just makes me feel lost. I guess with people we understand our fate and we understand about those we leave behind. But with these innocent creatures there is no certainty of what they can grasp. We just hope that there is a good God whose love for them is infinitely greater than ours and that our beloved creature truly is in a heavenly place. I just hope I can be with him again some day. Until then there is a large void. I am thankful for every single moment I had with him because he gave me so much.

I'm sorry for your losses too milani.