Hello all. Unfortunately my posts were lost about my precious kitty when the system crashed, but I'm still really struggling with my grief so I wanted to post again.

My 8 year old Chessa was my cat, and my cat alone. She was soooo attached to me, and only me...as I was to her. She didn't have the time of day for anyone else, even my husband. She had cancer. I experienced some horrible anticipatory grief. My baby, who used to jump 4.5 feet onto the windowsill, could barely walk up and down the steps. When Chessa was healthy, she was constantly with me. I could barely even sit down before she would be in my lap, giving my hands "kitty kisses". In her last week or so on earth, she hid in the closet and hardly wanted anything to do with me. She only came out to eat her soft food and use the litter box. Every so often she would still come up to me, and I'd gently lay her on me and she'd purr and purr. How I miss those sounds, how I miss looking into her beautiful green eyes.

When Chessa no longer wanted to eat, I knew it was time. I spent her last night with her, sleeping on the floor with her, talking to her and stroking her paw . The same paw that the next day the vet used to end her pain on earth. I held Chessa's head as she left this world...mine was the last face she saw. I told her I loved her, and I hope she knew that...this was on 7/19/2011.

I took Chessa to a private crematory and have yet to pick up her remains. Maybe sometime this week...

I lost my best friend. Being in my house is agony now. I keep thinking I see her out of the corner of my eye. I cannot wash the shirt I used to last hold her in because it's covered in her cat hair. Even scooping out the litter box for the last time made me cry. (I have 2 other furbabies also) The first time I used the electric can opener to open tuna caused me to have a meltdown...I could hear her cries in my head along with my other two's actual cries. Seeing only two of them lapping up the tuna water broke my heart. I feel like my world will never be the same again. I miss her so much it hurts. I keep talking to her...I hope she can hear me...

I remember how heart-breaking it was for me to get cookies to give my dogs and not see Winston there after we lost him, but this post isn't about me, it's about you...

I'm so sorry for the loss of Chessa. It sounds like she lived a very happy, very loved life. We should all be so fortunate to be so deeply loved by someone. Here you're going to find plenty of encouragement, sympathy and support from people who have all felt the loss of a beloved furbaby.

We all know what you're going through... we're a family here, one bound by the shared love of our pets and the pain their leaving causes... welcome to our family.

Oh Nurse,

Of course Chessa hears you. Love is forever - in both directions. We are the lucky ones who have been chosen and found by our special spirit mate. We know what is is to love and be loved by the most marvelous creature God created. Remember how Chessa guided you into doing and thinking things you'd never done or thought otherwise? Well she's still on the job. And boy did she think you were strong - much stronger tha you felt yourself. How do I know? She showed you by your having to do the saddest and most courageous thing we'll have to do on this earth - be with our best friend as she passes into the Perfect World. The last earthly voice she heard and the last earthly face she saw and the last comforting arms she felt were yours. After an instant, she was in the Perfect World, from whence she came and where you will one day go and rejoin her. I think they can hear us, see us, smell us, talke to us there just like they could when they were here in their earthly bodies. It's just that now, for a little while, it only goes one way. We get to do the part with the shredded heart, the bursting into tears at expected and unexpected times, the wishing for "one more", the "if only" ... and after all that we get to become a robot-walker - when we're expected to show our "public face" to a world with only a very lucky few people who have had this beautiful experience with a fur baby. I think that phase must go on for a LONG time. It's been 4 months and I still cry almost every time I post here, for example. Except for guarding myself against slipping into a clinical depression (a more-than-once experience in my life), I don't mind it so much. If people at work see me with red eyes, so what?

I know the Chessa and my Gretta have found each other and are swapping stories about "my mom is the best." They probably went together to the big party last Friday when my sister's c-o-c-k-e-r spaniel Trevor (the bravest little dog who ever lived) arrived.

Keep the faith, Ms Nurse. We grieve as we love. And all your LS family is always, always here for you. We get it.

Until later ......

Gretta's mom

Jodi I am so glad you came back to recreate your post about your dear Chessa. I was wondering if you were going to come back.

I know what you mean about thinking you see them out of the corner of your eye. The last few nights I will be sitting here and something causes me to look up, but then nothing is there. I also keep thinking I hear her tags jingling.

The road ahead is tough my friend. I hope you find enough strength to go pick up her cremains. Believe it or not it does offer some comfort. Please keep us updated on how you are doing. Much love to you.

Hi, Jodi, just want to add my sincerest thank you for coming back and re-creating your topic on Chessa. I wish there were an easier way through this grief adjustment journey, and if there were I most certainly would share it with you, Jodi. Unfortunately the only way is one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. The adjustment to no longer having their sweet physical presence with us is very painful - - both emotionally and physically. But I promise you, Jodi, the deep seering pain in your heart will ease, and you will begin to realize that the good days are more than the not so good - - and hopefully as your deep grief eases you will be comforted by your beloved Chessa's sweet Living Spirit.

Jodi, thank you again so much for sharing with us how you're doing and your precious Chessa. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Jodi, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Jodi....I too, am glad you came back and again I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Chessa. This grief journey is very hard and it takes a long time to feel even a little better.

I know what you mean about opening the can of tuna. I always cooked Mickey hamburger, chicken breasts and rice. Now it is so hard for me to cook those things for us, especially the chicken which was his favorite.

Jodi you are always in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you will feel better soon.

Hugs,

LoveMyMickey

Thank you everyone. This forum makes me feel like I am not so alone...

I picked up Chessa's ashes today. I also got a paw imprint, clippings of her beautiful fur, and a whisker. It was hard, but it's nice to have her "home" with me again. I know she is always in my heart, but I feel like she is back where she belongs.

I'm attempting to post a picture of my sweet baby below...where she was usually found on her time with me on earth...

Jodi

What a sweet picture! I am so glad you got Chessa's remains back. For me I was both happy and sad to get them back. Happy because she was home where she belonged, but sad because it wasn't the way I wanted her to come home.

I hope the days are getting easier for you, and setbacks are minimal. I love seeing pictures of everyone's babies. You can tell from pictures how happy and loved they were, and still are.

Thinking about you my friend, and of your sweet Chessa.

Hi, Jodi, thank you for sharing with us how you're doing, and for the wonderful picture of you and your sweet Chessa.

I'm glad you have Chessa's ashes home now, along with her pawprint, some fur, and a whisker. These are to be treasured, as I know you will always do.

I hope today is being kind to you, Jodi, and that you will have a very peaceful evening surrounded by your precious Chessa's sweet Living Spirit. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Jodi, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi jodi. I like the picture of chessa. she looks so happy in it.

Hi Jodi,

I'm so glad you put your sweet Chessa's story back up. I hope you are doing well and are finding some peace. I struggle sometimes. I have good days and bad days. I can't believe it has been almost a week.

I love the picture of you and Chessa, it's so sweet. I hope you are having a peaceful night.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

Hi Jodi, I was surprised by the measure of comfort bringing Mischief's ashes home brought me, but like you said - that feeling that your girl is back with you, where she belongs, it helps...thank you for posting the beautiful photo of you two, she's a gorgeous cat...I hope it's getting easier for you, this is a journey of one step at a time, sometimes two backwards, the hole in our hearts and world our children have left is proportional to how much they loved and were loved - it's not an easy thing to mend. Thinking of you and hoping a Chessa memory makes you smile today, even through tears, Leejaye

Hi everyone. I made it through a whole day yesterday without crying...but I was at my sister's house and distracted most of the day. And today...I feel guilty that I didn't cry over her yesterday! I keep thinking that why should I be out and having fun when my baby is no longer with me?

We are going camping this weekend. My mom had agreed to come stay at our house to care for Chessa this weekend if she was still with us. It makes me so sad to know that my mom doesn't need to stay here...

I miss my baby so much...

Oh Jodi, I know exactly how you feel about feeling guilty. I'll find myself laughing and having a good time and then feel guilty for it. But we have to remember that our babies would much rather see us laughing than crying. Cinder used to hate it when I cried. I still hvent made it through a day without getting teary eyed. We are also going camping this weekend! I hope it helps, but I'm worried I will feel guilty still. I hope you have a wonderful and safe trip and know your sweet Chessa is watching over you. Bythe way, where did you get her name from? I really like it.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

Well, I really broke down and cried this morning. I think it really hit me that I'll never see her again, hear her purr, pet her silky fur, or see her tail twitch rapidly because she wants me to pet her. This is so hard...I physically miss her so much.

Rae, you asked how I came to name her Chessa. We got my 1st kitty and named him Chauncey. We originally also had his littermate (who we called Chloe), but she was sickly and died after we had her for only 2 weeks. Chauncey was also just a small kitty then, and he was lost without his littermate. So a day later, my sister showed up with another kitten, and I wanted to name her something with a "Ch". I looked online for baby names and found Chessa, which I loved the sound of. Chessa and Chauncey bonded immediately and were constantly snuggling when they were kittens. It was so cute, and I'm thankful that I'm a photo junkie and took tons of pics. Anyhow, about a year later, we had a stray show up at the house, and I talked my boyfriend (now my hubby) into keeping her. Her name is Chairis. (pronounced Chair-iss like hiss minus the h). I like unusual names, haha!

Chessa had many nicknames (as do my other 2!). Chessapeake, angel, pumpkin, precious, princess, baby love (because she was such a tiny cat...and after an old 80's song... I love 80's music!)

That felt good to write something normal about my Chessa! I really wish I'd experience some sort of "sign" from her though...*sigh*

Okay I really need to study. My last final for summer classes is tonight. I know last week when I had a big exam Chessa was helping me out...it was 2 days after she passed away, and I could barely concentrate to study. I didn't feel prepared at all, and after the test I was not optimistic. She must have been guiding my pencil on the multiple choice questions though, because I got an A!!!

"I feel guilty that I didn't cry over her yesterday! I keep thinking that why should I be out and having fun when my baby is no longer with me?"

Hi, Jodi, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing with us your beloved Chessa.

Jodi, what you are feeling is perfectly normal in this grief journey. Because grief is truly consuming, our minds and bodies do need a respite from the stress - - however brief the respite may be. And I believe our beloved companions provide us the moments when we can focus on other circumstances - - like a day with friends, family members, shopping, etc.. In deep grief we sometimes are not able to "feel" our beloved companions' sweet Living Spirit with us, but I assure you, Jodi, your beloved Chessa IS with you now just as always has been and always will be. And I truly believe with all my heart that she was with you during your exam last week - - as she continues to be with you and will be with you tonight. And rest assured she is doing a "Happy Dance" celebrating with you the wonderful A you received!! Your beloved Chessa is always a heartbeat close to you, Jodi - - as you are always and forever a part of her.

I hope today is being kind to you, Jodi, and that you will be able to find some peaceful comfort when you go camping, and please know your precious Chessa is sharing this weekend with you, singing campfire songs right along with you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Jodi, and look forward to knowing how things are going for you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Coming home from my camping trip this weekend was hard. I think I half expected Chessa to be here...my house just seems almost empty with only my 2 other cats...something is missing....

Hi, Jodi, yes, someone very important is missing in her physical presence. When our family unit experiences an dramatic change - - as when one of our beloved companions is no longer physically present - - the entire dynamics of the family unit changes. Your remaining furkids go through a period of sorting out their new "pride" dynamics - - trying to establish who is "boss". Of course, YOU, Jodi, are the "pride" leader, although it seems like our beloved companions truly are the ones "in charge."

It just takes time to establish a "new normal", Jodi, and it is a very painful part of the adjustment grief journey - - both physically and emotionally. Hopefully in time you will come to know that your beloved Chessa is indeed still with you - - just differently. She no longer has to wait for you to come home - - for she is sharing your activities in "real time" now - - for she is now with you wherever you go and whatever you do. I hope somehow this will eventually be able to be a comfort to you.

Jodi, I hope your camping trip went okay, and that you are having a peaceful evening with your furkids. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Jodi, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Jodi,

It was hard for me to come home from my camping trip as well. I was so sad when Cinder wasn't there to wag her tail and sniff all of our camping stuff. It is very different and our babies are definitely missing. I hope you were able to enjoy yourself on your trip and I hope you are doing okay today. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

Thanks for the replies. Chessa liked to use my carry on suitcase as a scratching post (even though she was declawed) and it was hard for me to return from camp with it and not immediately have her "sharpening her paws".

I continue to cry almost every day. Today I had a breakdown and was sitting on the floor and my Chairis crawled all over me purring. I love that she's sensitive to my pain and tries to cheer me up, but she's not the cat I crave was in my lap now...And then I feel badly for thinking that about her! She's a good girl too, but she's just not my Chessa...

I was getting ready to leave for work today and was depressed because I have yet to see some sort of "sign" from Chessa to let me know she is okay in Heaven, or that she is still here with me in spirit. Right as I was walking out the door, I picked up a fortune cookie that has been sitting on my kitchen table with several other fortune cookies for a few weeks now. I opened it up and it said "The one you love is closer than you think". I immediately started crying. Maybe that was my sign???