Hi rainbohdi

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss of little Bohdi. The photo your posted of her is beautiful. A lovely little dog.

Your memorial service sounds really nice. Will be a a lovely tribute to her.

I hope you're having a relaxing weekend. Take it as easy as possible.

Peter

(((HUGS))) to you, Rainbohdi...I just read this thread and my heart goes out to you. I cannot even begin to imagine what you went through in losing your beloved Bohdi in such an unexpected and shocking way; I do agree that this would surely have triggered Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

For anyone who loves a pet and shares that deep soul connection with them, losing them is truly like losing a child of your own. This is something that only one who connects with animals so completely will understand...and with such a loss can follow overwhelming grief, pain, guilt and blame. The hardest part in all of this is acknowledging that the self-blame - no matter the circumstances - serves no purpose other than to keep our hearts shrouded in pain. Of course you will feel it; but being able to release that blame and acknowledge instead that you were the best mom in the world to your wonderful Bohdi is what counts.

Unfortunately, such tragic losses occur often, leaving the animals' owners completely frozen in the moment...replaying (as much as they do not want to) the events over and over and over again. I used to know someone online who - several years ago - lost her beloved cat in a similar way. She and her husband owned a magnificent, long-haired beauty; their cat was 16 years old and completely deaf. She was a house cat; never ventured outdoors, always remained inside and would lavish long hours sleeping in the sun's rays in their living room. One day, however, when the woman and her husband were getting ready for work, their kitty somehow, and for reasons they will never know, managed to slip outside unnoticed when one of them opened the garage door. Because their cat was elderly, as well as deaf, her defenses were poor...and two dogs who lived next door (and were constantly allowed to run loose) spotted her at some point, and attacked her.

My friend tortured herself relentlessly over this, blaming herself over not watching more carefully; not noticing that her cat had left the safety of the house; not reporting the neighbours earlier to authorities when their dogs, shepherds who were known to be unfriendly, were menacing the area. But the truth is, no one can predict the future, and for all that we do to protect our beloved pets, and as much as we pray that we could...we cannot always prevent tragedies from happening.

What I see in your posts is someone whose heart is aching profoundly, and who is torturing herself over not only witnessing such a horrible event, but over blaming yourself for what did take place. What I see beyond this....what I see in you, through your words and your heartbreak, is a beautiful soul whose heart has always brimmed over with love for this gorgeous little girl. One thing I do believe without doubt is that the animals who come into our lives choose US, not the other way around, and Bohdi chose you. She knew that you would love her deeply, completely, and without condition. You gave her everything that she needed in life, you gifted her with pure, absolute love, and I am positive that she would never want you to hold onto any blame or pain in her passing. No matter how they leave us, our gift of love to them - and theirs to us - is what matters. Nothing else. She is forever with you, in your heart, in spirit...and in love.

Hi, Rainbohdi, I hope you can feel me reaching out to you across the cyber miles holding your hands and sharing your sorrow. I truly wish there was something I could say that could help take this painful burden of grief from your heart, and remove the horrible terrifying last moments of your sweet Bohdi's life with you from your memory. For different reasons I do understand the trauma you are feeling and the haunting helplessness in not being able to save your precious girl. I hope and pray with all my heart that the beautiful memorial service you and your friends will share will help to bring some peace and comfort to your heart.

Rainbohdi, each of us can only travel our grief journeys in our own way and in our own time. When we are overwhelmed with grief, we must allow ourselves time to heal by drawing on the strength and encouragement of others who honestly do understand what we are going through - - for however long that takes. We are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, Rainbohdi. And we are so glad you are here with us so that we can get to know you and share your heart's love - - your precious Bohdi.

Rainbhodi, I hope someone will be able to take pictures, or maybe a video, of your precious Bohdi's memorial service so that you can have it to put with her other treasured things. Perhaps in time having it will bring comfort to you.

Thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, Rainbohdi. Sometimes holding those you feel close to in your heart and prayers is all we can do, and I thank you for thinking of me in this time of great sorrow for you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Rainbohdi, and please let us know how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

i really dont know what i would have done without the support i have gotten here. i am so thankful for you being here and for giving of your time and your selves.

i will try to get someone to video our little memorial for bohdi. so badly i need there to be a nice sendoff for her. she gave me more than any other person has ever given me and i will be forever so grateful for the 15 and a half years i was blessed with her presence and her love.

during some soul searching about the course my life has taken, i have just recently wondered if perhaps my lesson (or the reason bad things keep happening) is that i have to allow my feelings space to be expressed and more importantly not just feelings in general but all of them (including the messier ones). i think ive used a number of different mechanisms to cover them up and hide them away over time, terrified of becoming lost in them and also of pushing people away with the uncomfortableness or ugliness of them. sorry, that is just some sleep deprived ramblings, probably doesnt even make sense.

i so miss falling asleep with my hand on her soft warm furry little chest able to feel the rise and fall of her breathing and my ears being able to hear the ever so soft sweet little snore with the occasional little yip noise. i miss that expectant and excited face i used to see first thing in the morning, i miss watching her confident trot when she was out walking and the look of pride she'd have when she rolled around in some grotty stuff and then stood up to show me. i miss her curiousity and playfulness, her loving and generous heart, her clever and alert mind and then also the occasional dopey things she would do in a moment of over-excitement or sleepiness. it was like there was an invisible string attached to her and my ankle, cos she was always right there with me but if she had to be somewhere else she still knew where i was and what i was doing. more sleep deprived ramblings.

my doctor did give me some medications but they arent working terribly well.

sorry for rambling, but from the bottom of my heart i thank you for hearing me with such open hearts and minds. i am also sorry that for you to understand so well can only be becuase of your personal losses and pains and i wish that you hadnt had to of suffered so.

take gentle care

Hi, Rainbohdi, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing today. We are here together - - there are no strangers here, for we share a common friendship - - the wonderful love bonds we have with our beloved companions, and through them we meet here to share what is in our hearts.

Sleep deprivation adds to the stress of grief, so it is important that you get some restful sleep, Rainbohdi. This is important for your health, and to give your body the strength it needs to endure this grief journey. If the medication your doctor has given you isn't helping you, then I would like to encourage you to give him / her a call so that he / she can give you a different medication to try. Sleep deprivation can also take a toll on your immune system leaving you more susceptible to colds, flus, that can have complications. So, please talk to your doctor again if the medications you currently have do not work for you. It is also important that you eat something and drink fluids - - even if it's just soup broth - - your body needs this in order to endure the stress of grief. Please understand I'm not trying to tell you what to do. For different reasons I do understand the horrible impact of trauma you are going through. I know what it's like to have to force myself to eat even though I had no appetite and being afraid to sleep because of the nightmares. I just want you to know that I do very well understand what you're feeling, and am just trying to offer you encouragement that I hope will help you.

This grief journey is a very difficult adjustment to the physical loss of our beloved companions - - both physically and emotionally. Scientific studies prove that every time they touch us, rub against us, they are leaving a physical chemical on us that imprints us as belonging to them. When they are no longer physically with us, our bodies do go through a painful withdrawal from this physical contact. The ache that is in our hearts is real, Rainbohdi, for our hearts literally ache to feel our beloved companions' sweet physical bodies close to us.

Rainbohdi, our beloved companions give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention. With them we do not have to put on a "public face" to win their acceptance. You do not have put on a "public face" here either, Rainbhodhi. Each of us here understands what it is like to not be able to rely on some people who are the closest to us and who we thought would be our foremost source of comfort in our moment of need. So please know we are here for you, with you, and beside you, Rainbohdi.

I hope in some way what I have shared with you will be a source of comfort and encouragement to you, Rainbohdi. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi, Rainbohdi, just want you to know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. I hope your memorial service for your precious Bohdi will bring some peace and comfort to you. I will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Rainbohdi,

The trauma that you went through with your precious little Bohdi, is extremely painful. A vicious attack was not something you had control over. Please be gentle with yourself.
I'm so glad that you will be having a memorial service. She was so adorable. And I totally understand how she was your baby, just as Victoria was my baby.

Post traumatic stress can follow such a shocking horrific attack. It is something that usually needs brief therapy to heal.

With healing hugs and thoughts,
Juturna

hi again

thankyou for your kind words and also sharing. i wish noone else knew this kind of pain, i hate to think of other people hurting this much.

we had to postpone the memorial because we are on a cyclolne alert for tomorrow morning, so it will be the following sunday now.

i seem to have lost all my words, sorry.

take gentle care


ps: i found some words and am writing some responses but my words feel clumsy and not quite right - i sincerely hope i don't write something that makes it worse for someone.

pps: it's sunday here now and sunday's used to be our favourite day of the week, now each one seems like some kind of torture, with the images of that day playing over and over no matter how hard i try to turn them off (happens the other days too, just not as bad). maybe i am going to have to see my doctor again and see if he has any ideas (different medications and/or counselling).

Hi, Rainbohdi, I know what you mean about the days of the week - - Mondays are hard for me. It was the morning my mom died from her injuries, and the days that I started a week either having to send one of my furkids to the angels or knowing that there was an appointment with the vet during the week to send one of my furkids to the angels. My heart goes out to you, Rainbohdi - - I do understand how you're feeling.

I'm sorry your memorial service has had to be postponed but I know your precious Bohdi wants you and those she shared her earthly journey with to be safe.

I hope your doctor will be able to offer you comfort, encouragement, and hope, Rainbohdi. And I hope you feel our comfort, support, and encouragement reaching out to you across the cyber miles, and through this your heart can draw on our strength and feel hope.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Rainbohdi, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Rainbohdi,

My heart feels your pain, and I share in your grief. I feel how intense this is, especially on a Sunday. (It was last Sunday that I lost my precious Victoria.)

I hope you do not find this too direct as it is only meant with love and sincere compassion. Asking for a counseling referral for trauma sounds wise. What you went through was extremely traumatizing and that is why the images keep replaying in your brain. This compounds the grief, and can be so painfully overwhelming and shocking to your very being.

Postponing the memorial service must have been a let down. I know that Bohdi would want you to be safe. I trust that the service will take place when it is time.

With healing thoughts, prayers, and hugs,
Juturna

thankyou for your replies.

turns out the cyclone had fizzled out before it got anywhere near us, but it does work out that this next sunday is a better day for a couple of the people coming, so i guess it was as it was meant to be.

i am hoping that having the memorial will help some with the trauma part of my baby girl's death ... sending her off in a positive, loving way ... making nicer memories to put in place of the horrific ones. not sure that is how it works, but i will try.

i do know that the couple who came to help us on boxing day are still deeply affected by it. apparently the man told my friends that he will never ever forget my screams. i went to see them the other day to drop off a card and invite them to the memorial and the lady was crying when we left. given i saw the whole attack and that she was my one and only baby of 15 and a half years, i guess it makes sense that it would still be very difficult for me too.

finding a counsellor/therapist is a bit tricky though. where i live there are virtually none available, especially at a price i can afford. after the memorial, i will look into it more if i still need to. i know if things don't get better i have to do something because inside my mind and even outside (but behind closed doors so noone notices) things are a mess.

i feel quite robotic and as though i'm watching myself from above.

thinking of you all with care

i made a powerpoint slideshow of pictures from when she was a puppy right up to days before she died. it will be running on my laptop during the memorial.

i got the balloons for the release in black and pink, because she was completely black with a cute pink tongue. there will be 15 because she had that many years alive.

a friend who does services is going to read some stuff that is actuallly quite nice, then i am going to read "just a dog" (not sure where i found that but it has a message in it i want everyone to hear and when i read it to my friend who can't come, she thought i had written it because it was so fitting for me and bohdi). i hope i will be able to read it and not have to have my friend take over, it feels important i say the words.

i am making some little cards so the people can put their name on and also a little memory they have of bohdi ... i plan to use these in the scrapbook i do for bohdi.

i have a friend who is taking care of cake and coffee for after. we are having it at the far edge of a special picnic area because it was a place bohdi could always spend ages investigating and also because there is a little bridge right by it and my girl loved bridges. whenever we saw one she wanted to go across it, never did figure out why but i think it's kinda cute.

have a friend who will video it. i hope it will be nice and that we have everything covered.




it's 12.55am, i have been awake since 12.30 the night before ... i've upped the dosage on my medications. i need to let myself cry but i'm so scared of the feelings swallowing me whole and then me ending up in lalaland.

Hi,

The memorial sounds like such a wonderful tribute to your beautiful baby girl. I hope it brings some peace to your broken heart -- even if only for a while. Just know that your precious Bohdi will be right there with you -- feeling all the love that you have -- and will always have -- in the part of your heart that will forever belong only to her.

We would love to see more photographs and anything else that you feel comfortable sharing.

Please let us know how the memorial goes. You will be in our thoughts and prayers.

Take care of yourself and I hope you manage to get some sleep soon.

Big hugs, Cheryl xx

Hi, Rainbohdi, just adding my 2 cents to Cheryl's wonderful response. The memorial service sounds absolutely beautiful, and your precious Bohdi will be with you. It's alright if you need to take a break reading the selection "just a dog", - - just take it slow and easy.

I truly hope and pray that Sunday's weather will cooperate with your plans, Rainbohdi. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing wheenver possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Rainbohdi,

I love how your little Bodhi wanted to cross bridges. I see that as a metaphor of her bright spirit.

The service you have planned sounds so loving and beautiful. The edge of the special picnic area sounds perfect. If you feel you would want to share any pics of the day, I'd want to see them. Your reading will be special, and its Ok to take it slow and easy. Please be gentle with yourself as that is what your Bodhi would want.

With hugs and peace,
Juturna

it's coming up to six weeks and there are still people to tell ... telling people that your precious little bundle of black fluff was attaked and killed by another dog is so hard ... i feel so guilty for upsetting them.


thankyou so much for you kind and encouraging comments about the plan for bohdi's memorial. i needed to know if it was enough and your comments seem to indicate that it is.


i'm really don't know what to do with myself right now, so i decided to post another two pictures of my girl. she always looked scruffy even after a bath and brush, but it was part of her charm and strangely enough she always felt soooo soft. the second one is an odd one to love, but to me it shows my curious little investigator doing her very important work along the way of her morning walk.





i have to keep looking at photos of her whole and unharmed to counteract the horrific visions of her during and after the attack. so i needed some in here too.

i wish i could curl up and die, but i at least have to be around to make sure that dog is properly dealt so others aren't at risk of attack by it and also to see that the humans responsible for the dog are dealt with too.

i think this is getting harder, not easier like they say it's supposed to with time.

not sure if any of this makes sense, but i just needed some of the chaos in my head somewhere outside it.

Hi, Rainbohdi, when there are legal issues involved in a tragic event it does prolong the agony. I'm speaking from first hand experience from different circumstances, but I do understand how you're feeling when you say: "i think this is getting harder, not easier like they say it's supposed to with time." Your feelings truly do make very much sense to me, Rainbohdi, - - I truly wish you were not having to go through any of this.

Thank you for sharing your wonderful pictures of your precious Bohdi with us. What a cutie she is!! Oh - - how well I know the "explorer" picture!! My Oslo was an explorer too when we went for a walk on our property. Everything needed a good sniff, and when he got a scent he followed it for as far as I could go with him, and then I had to softly tell him we needed to head back - - so, he sniffed and explored all the way back home. I can just hear your precious Bohdi saying, "Hey, Oslo, over here - - check this out!!!" I know they are enjoying exploring all the wonders of heaven's perfect garden without any fear of getting lost or hurt for the angels are watching over them.

Rainbohdi, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers each and every day. I know this Sunday is going to be one of many mixed emotions for you. I hope you will feel your precious Bohdi's sweet Living Spirit with you at all times and in all circumstances, and especially on Sunday. I hope you will be able to get some peaceful rest tonight, Rainbohdi, and I will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Rainbohdi,

It is understandable that this painful loss could be getting harder for now. I am so much hoping that the beautiful memorial you are planning helps with some of the intense grief.

Thank you so much for posting the photos. She is sooooo adorable! Bodhi would be pleased that you are sharing her precious investigative skills with us. I know you must greatly miss touching her soft coat, just as I miss touching my cottony Victoria.

I will be thinking of you on Sunday and sending you healing thoughts and prayers.
With peace and hugs,
Juturna

oh dear, i was typing out replies to you both and something came into my head and now i'm really freaking out. i don't really understand the whole thing about what happens to our babies when they go or where they go. but what if the dog that killed bohdi ends up there, i don't want my baby to ever have to see that dog again or to feel that terror and pain or even to have to remember it. do dogs that have done really bad things end up somewhere different? it's probably not the dog's fault, but still it ripped my baby apart without hesitation so how is my girl going to be safe up there if this dog is forgiven and sent up there. i don't hate the dog, i think it was either treated badly or taught to be violent or that it had some sort of untreated condition. i think it was up to the humans that knew the dog to enusre it was keep in a properly enclosed environment, not somewhere with virtually no fence. oh god though, i can't bear the thought of bohdi having to see that dog even it has had the violent part of it cleansed or something. i want her to be somewhere safe and happy and free from that horror of her passing. she was one tough little cookie, but even the toughest cookie would be afraid of the thing that took their life. maybe i don't understand right how the whole thing works on the other side, but right now i'm so confused and scared. i'l come back later and write the replies i was doing before, so sorry.