For the past 2 days I have emersed my grief in reading postings finding them comforting in dealing with the guilt and heartache. My precious little Victoria was euthanized on 1/23 while I held her head and told her that I love her. Victoria was a buff and white ##er spaniel close to 14 years of age who had a strong will and tremendous spirit. She presented as much younger than her age, despite her health issues with cushings disease which we controlled with a lot of medication.

Last Thurs. Victoria stopped eating treats, had difficulty on the stairs, stayed in bed alot, and stopped wagging her tail. I took her to the vet on Fri. and he said that it may be lyme disease, prescibed an antibiotic, and told me to call on Mon. if she was worse. The next day she drank her water, and ate a tiny bit of food. She even jumped off my lap to watch children sledding out the window. I went to the city that evening for shopping and dinner not knowing that would be the last night that I could be with her. I still remember Victoria's sad eyes looking at me as I was leaving. Her appitite was worse when I returned home. The next morning she could barely walk, was totally disorriented, and was incontinent. We took her to an emergency vet center as my regular vet was not in the office. By Sunday at lunch time she had to be carried into the emergency center and was critically ill. The vet suspected that she had cancer which had spread to a major organ. I made the decision to euthanize which I am OK with. She went peacefully surrounded by the people that loved her the most.

My difficulty is with the guilt I feel in not being with my girl for close to 5 hours on her last night, and with the extreme sense of loss and pain. Since Victoria had health issues with the cushings disease and was deaf, so much of my time was spent caring for her, especially these last 2 years. Now there is an enormous emptiness in my heart. I just want to cry all the time and I'm having trouble sleeping. I've been talking to friends and have a very supportive significant other, but the pain of grief is so sudden and intense.

Dear Juturna

I send my condolences for the loss of your beloved Victoria. Please know that I am thinking of you and sending a big HUG to comfort you at this very sad time. Victoria is free from all the suffering now and she knows how much she is loved and cared for. We all feel 'guilt' over some aspect of their leaving us. I spent 2 weeks visiting my parents in Spain during August 2009, and my Noushka was gone by early September. I felt so bad about it. My husband was here with her, and she wasn't 'ill' then, but she was 13 years old, and I felt so guilty to have missed that precious time with her. Our fur babies don't see things that way though, and the last thing they would want is for us to feel so 'bad'. The important thing is that you were with Victoria during a peaceful passing, loving her and comforting her.
Please come back when you can and let us know how you are. Maybe if you feel able you could post more about Victoria and also maybe a photo.

Jan and my Angels and Pixie x

Hi Juturna

So sorry to hear about your loss of lovely Victoria. You gave her a lifetime of happiness. You should feel no guilt because your devotion to her, caring for her so much especially these last two years, is unquestionable.

As Jan mentioned, if you feel up to it, it would be lovely to see a photo of Victoria if you could post one.

You, Victoria, and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care


Peter

Hi Juturna,

I also lost my sweet boy on 1/20/11 and understand the pain you are in. It is normal to feel guilty over things after the loss of a dear pet; I know because I am dealing with mine. I am sure your little Victoria did not hold that against you, if she had any say so, she would not want you to grieve over her that way but remember her in the happy times. I am sure she appreciated all the time you spent with her, caring for her and loving her all her years. Do not blame yourself, we never know when their time is up, only that it is near.

My Poppy was going through the same similar things your little Victoria endured. If I had known that he was going to leave me so soon, I would not have gone to work on that day. The next day, he could not walk, eat or drink. He was in a lot of pain when I took him in to the vet, but the sedative they gave him prior to putting him to sleep allowed him to pass on peacefully and I have peace in that. He died in my arms telling him how much I loved him and I would not have it any other way.

You were there for her last minutes and that will be something Victoria took with her, have peace in that. We are all here to share in your pain. Stay in touch.

Hi, Juturna, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Victoria. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our beloved companions - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can once again be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Juturna, unfortunately we are not blessed with the privilege of foreknowledge - - only the "wisdom" of hindsight, and it is the hindsight that is the source of our guilt - - the "if only", "why didn't I" "I should have" - - and on and on and on. Guilt, unfortunately, is part of the package of this grief journey and is one of the hardest emotions to reconcile. One of the most important things that you need to focus on is that you did the very best for your precious Victoria at any given time with the information you had and the circumstances at the moment. Victoria knows you love her with all your heart, Juturna. This precious love bond we share with our beloved companions is eternal - - it is not confined to the physical laws of time and space. She is forever a part of you, Juturna, and hopefully, as your deep grief eases you will be able to feel the warmth of her sweet Living Spirit forever in your heart and memories. She is still sharing your earthly journey just as she always has and always will, Juturna.

This grief journey is a one day at a time, sometimes a one moment at a time journey, Juturna. Unfortunately there is no fast forward through the deepest sorrow we will know on this side of eternity. I am so glad you have someone close to you who is supportive of you through this time of deep sorrow. And please know each of us are here for you, with you, and beside you as well, Juturna, for as long and as often as you need us.

Juturna, thank you so much for sharing your precious Victoria with us. Perhaps in time you will feel up to sharing a picture of her with us and sharing some of your wonderful memories - - in your own time whenever you may be up to it. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Juturna, and please let us know how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Jan, Peter, Poppy's Mom, and Moon_beam,

Thank you so very much for your comforting words of support, wisdom, and compassion. It is helping me to know that others understand and have walked in my shoes.
I will try to post a pic of my beautiful Victoria in the next week or two.

With gratitude and peace,
Juturna

Hi, Juturna, we will look forward to sharing picture(s) of your precious Victoria whenever possible. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Moon_beam,

Thank you for the prayers and support. You are an angel.

Today was difficult as my first call this morning was learning that Victoria's ashes are available. I'm unable to pick them up just yet. After caring for my precious girl for close to 14 years, I still keep thinking that it is time to take her outside again.

My plan for this weekend is to involve myself in something spiritual, so that I may feel closer to Victoria's vibrant little soul.

With gratitude and peace,
Juturna

hi

i had to smile when i read that Victoria "had a strong will and tremendous spirit. She presented as much younger than her age" because that was my 15 and half year old bohdi exactly.

i keep thinking if i had known that saturday night had been the last night we'd have, i would have stayed awake all night and watched and listened to her sleep and cuddled her close. i have to make myself remember though that i made bohdi my life and gave her all i could as often as i could, i think maybe it's the same for you. maybe hold onto that thought when the guilt threatens to engulf you.

my friends are my family and they are understanding and supportive and miss bohdi, but somehow i still feel alone in this journey most of the time. i can get a sense when i'm on here that people 'get' it and that helps, but outside of here i don't think people quite get just how enourmous the pain is and just how heartbroken and devastated i am. it's so hard and i wish i could take away some of that pain for you, but i hope kinowing you're not alone in it helps you too.

would it help you to do something to honour her memory or have you already done something like that.

please take gentle care of yourself as you find your way through this painful journey

Hi, Juturna, getting the ashes back of our beloved companions is a two-edged sword: one edge is the comfort of having our babies back home with us, although not in the physical presence we want them, and the other edge is another reality reminder that our beloved companions are no longer physically with us as we so desperately yearn to have them.

In your time, Juturna, you will be able to bring your precious Victoria's ashes home. I hope you will have a peaceful weekend, Juturna, so that you can feel your precious Victoria's sweet Living Spirit close to you, surrounding you, embracing you.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Juturna, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Moon_beam,


Many thanks again for your kind words, compassion, and wisdom.

I went to the Cloisters yesterday, sat in the monks' meeting room, and was able to connect with Victoria's vibrant spirit. Today is harder as this is the one week anniversary of her passing. I've decided that I will pick up the ashes in time, just not right now. I will try to post a photo.

With gratitude and peace,
Juturna

Here is a photo I'm trying to send of my beautiful girl. This was take before she lost 25% of her body weight from the cushings disease, so it is over a year old.
Thank you for letting me share this with you.
Juturna

Sent 2 of the same photo by accident. Here is the other I meant to send.
Thank you all for your patience and support.
With gratitude and peace,
Juturna

Dear Juturna

Thankyou for posting the photos of your beautiful Victoria. She's adorable.
Hope you are doing ok, well as ok as can be expected. I'm so happy that you connected with your Victoria's spirit, while at the Cloisters. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your precious Angel Victoria.

Hugs
Jan and my Angels and Pixie xx

Dear Jan,

Thank you for your heartfelt compassion and prayers. Connecting with Victoria's vibrant spirit was helpful, and I will take the time to do more meditating. For right now, I'm OK. This evening will be difficult as I'm seeing clients at home, and Victoria's presence will be sadly missed.

Your Angels Tasha and Noushka are so beautiful.

With gratitude and peace,
Juturna

Hi, Juturna, thank you so o o much for sharing pictures of your precious Victoria with us. What a sweet precious girl she is. I can so well relate to how peaceful the Cloisters are to assist you in getting in touch with Victoria's sweet Living Spirit. I'm so glad for you.

The anniversaries are a challenge to cope with, particularly during the deep grief. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers each day, Juturna. I hope your heart has had some peace and comfort today, and each coming day as well. I will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

what a beautiful girl, those pictures are just gorgeous. looking at her makes me just want to cuddle and stroke her. in that last one she looks so bright and alert and knowing.


aside from it being just friends and not clients, i really know how that feels.

warm thoughts

Hi Juturna,

I just want to add my condolences for the loss of your precious Victoria. I have to say with all sincerety that she is one of the most BEAUTIFUL dogs that I have ever seen. Just stunning. And it sounds like her spirit is just as beautiful -- and this she will never lose, and neither will you.

During the early stages of grief it is "normal" to just want to cry all the time and to have trouble sleeping. Unfortunately, I think these are just things we have to go through before the healing can begin. I know it's difficult to believe now, but in time the wound in your heart will slowly begin to scar over. It may never heal completely, but there will come a time when you can think of your baby and all the wonderful memories and smile.

In the meantime, just take things slowly, and take each day at a time. We are all here for you.

Take care as best as you can,
Cheryl xx