It's so good to hear from you Donna. I know all the millions of good memories can be so painful right now. And like you, I've never had a more difficult time in my life, than what I'm going through now. This has literally knocked me to my knees.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your husband. I pray that your tests come out fine. Please be kind to yourself...you've been through alot this past year. Hopefully it's just stress due to grief. Stress can cause alot of problems for some. I take over the counter sleep aids during the weekends and I gave up all caffine and now I sleep slightly elevated from my waist up. I just pile a bunch of pillows to make a wedge...I wake up a few times...It'll take time to get used to it. I know sometimes when I feel like I'm relaxed, I can still feel my heart beating against my chest. Like when I went to the movies. I even sat close to the end of the isle...just in case. But I made it through to the end...it was hard.

I was glad that Friday morning came and went and I, for the first time, didnt "re-live" my-- countdown to 10:00 am Fridays-- like I have been doing. Thank God.

It's hard to think that we have to go on living out the rest of our lives without them. The corners of my mouth point down now. Soon I'll be reaching 2 months without her...and have cried for her every day. I've accepted that she's not coming back.....but thats it...the rest is still the same. So I know how you feel Donna, I'm right there with you. You're not alone...alot of us are here for you. But God will put a stepping stone in front of us everyday...and everyday we will take one step. If you dont want to...thats ok too...He'll leave it there for you when you are ready. Then tomorrow He will put another one for us...and another one.

We just need to "celebrate" (for lack of a better word) the times we laugh at something on TV, or get through most of the day without crying.

I watch Fraizer every morning before work (I think of you and your boys now when I watch it) Fraizer was kind of upset when he heard his dad tell Eddie he loved him...and asked Daphnie if he did it often. It made me smile. I cant believe how easy it was for me to tell my furbabies that I loved them...all day...every day. But yet, I could be with my family or on the phone with them and hang up without even saying it. It wouldnt even cross my mind unless one of them said it first. That's why it hurts so deep....because we love them so much.

God Bless

Annette

Annette, you couldn't have said it any better. Good luck to you this Friday. I have a feeling you'll do ok.
-Donna

Hi, Annette, I deeply appreciate your stepping stone imagery. And engraved in those stepping stones are His footprints showing us the way through our grief - - tenderly guiding us through each day, always providing comforting arms and shoulders to lean on, and when we are not strong enough to take the steps, He carries us. Thank you so much for this beautiful imagery - - my eyes are filled with tears as I'm writing - - thankful tears for your beautiful words.

I know what you mean about the corners of your mouth pointing downward. The only time I really smile is when I'm home with my little Noah - - my sole survivor in a home that used to have four furkids. Because of my age and physical challenges Noah may very well be my last companion, so I am savoring every moment with him.

I hope that today has been a decent day for you, Annette, a peaceful one. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Annette, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you Dottie...what a cute little hummingbird, I just love this picture. I just took down my feeder last weekend. Its always sad to see them leave...I didnt get a chance to enjoy them this year...but at least I know they will be back next year.

My Dearest Daisy:

I can't believe it's almost going on 3 months...I hate that my life is soooo different without you.....it hurts.

I hate that I have to say "I love you" to your pictures now.

I hate that the last pictures I took of you...were... the last I will ever take of you.

I hate mornings, lunchtime, and bedtime without you.

I hate that your snoring and little doggie noises don't wake me up in the middle of the night anymore.

I hate that you're not here to remind me......when its time for a cookie.

I hate that your treats are still in the pantry.....because I just don't have the heart to give them away.

I hate that there's crumbs on the kitchen floor.

I hate that my legs don't fall asleep watching tv because you're not laying beside, in the middle, or on them and I didn't want to move and disturb your nap.

I hate to hear the neighborhood dogs barking...and you're not one of them.

I hate taking my walks alone.

I hate being in the backyard and not seeing you running around.

I hate not having to pick up your poo.

I hate that your toys sit next to your ashes....instead of thrown all over the house.

I hate that Fall is here...our favorite time of the year...I was always "Driving Miss Daisy" around. I miss that.

I hate that your fur is not on the bed, on my clothes, and sometimes the one in my glass of water, or at the bottom of my cereal bowl.

I hate looking in the mirror.....and seeing how sad I really look.

I hate that silence makes a sound....and I have to listen to it every day when I'm at home.

I hated having to say goodbye to you.....my dear friend.

I Love you,

Mommy

Hi, Annette, I feel your brokenness, emptiness, sadness in your post. Our lives change when our beloved companions join us and we share our daily lives together, and they change again when they precede us to the angels. I do hope someday the brokenness, emptiness, sadness will lessen so that your heart can once again feel the wholeness of your precious Daisy's sweet Living Spirit surrounding you just as she always did during her earthly journey.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Annette, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you MoonBeam. Sometimes I wish the grieving process will just "hurry along" because the sadness can be overwhelming at times....but I know that wouldn't be a good thing. I ran into a couple of neighbors last week...they didn't know about Daisy yet so I had to tell them. It was hard saying those words...the "past tense" words. Just hearing them come out of my mouth was so strange...like I was talking about someone elses dog you know? What I did wrong was trying to "hide" from people in the beginning so I wouldn't have to talk about it...but now that I'm running into them...ugh...Its like I'm re-living it all over again...like a knife stabbing my heart.

I read that some people can look at pictures....smile and think of good memories. I can't....I guess I'm just not at that point yet because looking at them just makes me see what I don't have right now. Like everyone here says: I just want to hold him/her again.

I feel like I'm in a row boat...rowing and rowing....seeing the shore line...thinking...I'm almost there...almost there. Then a gigantic wave pounds me and drags me and my little boat way out in the middle of nowhere...so there I go again...rowing and rowing with my little toothpick oars.

I knew she would have to leave one day....but it's always --too soon-- when they do. And I know she's in a good place and being well taken care of with my kitty and all the other babies....but I guess the "mommy" in me wants to see "this place" with my own eyes to make sure that it has everything they need.

I hope you are well....always looking forward to your replies with everyone...take care

Annette

Hi, Annette - - I love your depiction of the row boat and toothpick oars. And that gigantic wave not only sweeps you back out to sea, but it swamps the boat as well so you're not only having to row but bail as well. Oh yes, I know the feeling well. And I can relate to your wishing that this grief journey would hurry up and move on - - more to the point - - never happen. One of the coping mechanisms we try to use when we are in a crisis situation - - and losing the physical presence of a beloved companion certainly counts as a crisis - - is called "rationalization." We "know" it's better for them to not be here suffering - - absolutely true. We "know" they are in a better place - - absolutely true. We "know" we are blessed to have shared our lives with them during their earthly journey - - absolutely true. But unfortunately this does not console or comfort our grieving hearts that ache - - physically and emotionally - - to hold them, to feel them, to touch them.

Our lives are based on the physical senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch. Adjusting our lives without the physical presence of our beloved companions is a HUGE one, and unfortunately, is a very painful one - - both physically and emotionally. We also experience what is called "detachment" - - the very thing you experienced when you were talking to the person about your precious Daisy. This is also a coping mechanism that protects us from being overwhelmed in difficult situations sharing information that is painful to us. Our minds, body, and spirit are not separate entities. What affects one affects the other parts of us as well in some form or fashion whether or not we are aware of it at the time.

To cope with our grief we need each of these coping mechanisms. Unfortunately they don't always "work" when we'd like them to. But we need to keep telling ourselves that our beloved companions are in a better place so that eventually as the deep grief passes hopefully our hearts and minds will be in some form of peace - - which is what our beloved companions want for us. And there are times when we need to be able to "detach" ourselves from feeling the enormous grief of our loss so that hopefully eventually our hearts and minds will be filled with the joyful memories we have of our beloved companions - - which is another thing that they want for us. Of course this grief journey is a lot more complex as are these coping mechanisms, but I hope in sharing some of this information will help you to know that what you are feeling, Annette, is NORMAL.

Annette, don't worry about not being able to look at your precious Daisy's pictures yet. You do for you what is best for you, and please don't compare yourself to anyone else, okay? Oslo's Alma Mater, Guiding Eyes for the Blind in Yorktown Heights, NY, is holding a picture contest for their "retired" service partners. The employee who is heading up this project wrote me a lovely note asking me to send my favorite picture of Oslo. Even though it's coming up on a year of his joining the angels, it was a bit of a challenge to go through his pictures, and I couldn't decide on just "one". So I e-mailed four or five pictures that I liked the most and asked her to pick one because I just couldn't right now. So, I do understand how you feel about the pictures. They can be very comforting, at times, but only at the RIGHT TIME FOR YOU.

Annette, it is always good hearing from you and sharing how you're doing. It is an honor to be able to offer you comfort, encouragement, and support in your journey. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi MoonBeam.....yes the word "detachment" as you describe, this is what I'm going through...thank you for -getting- these words out for me (I can't seem to even think straight these days). Everything I do is done with very little enthusiasm anymore. I think with the holidays coming up and all....I don't want to disappoint friends and family by being sad. I was even thinking of just buying a plane ticket to anywhere and telling my family that I will be visiting "a friend" for Thanksgiving.....just so I can get out of town for a few days and be able to.....feel the way I look.

And like some have mentioned hanging up their furbabies christmas stocking.....oh....I feel the same way. Just thinking about it makes me cry. This will be the first year - in many, many years (40+) - that I will not have a pet in my home during the holidays. I'm scared....that it might take me to a dark place. God give me the strength to get through it. But hanging the stockings is something we have to do....in spite of the pain. Come Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I think we would be very disappointed in ourselves that we didn't put them out. Maybe we should pick a day or a weekend when to hang them....and light a candle....strength in numbers right?

Last weekend I woke up to Daisy walking on my bed. I felt her take a couple of steps and stretch...then take a couple more steps. I opened my eyes when I realized what was happening but...I couldn't turn around....I was unable to move...out of fear I think.....and my heart was beating so hard. But why would I be frightened by it? I always tell her to "come visit me" and "let me feel you near me". It upset me that I reacted that way.

It's always good to hear from you, MoonBeam. Your words felt like a life jacket was placed on me, now I can "get back out there". I hope you will be able to post Oslo's picture they chose so we can all see.

Thank you for being here with us. Take Care

Daisy: The peach tree in the backyard has turned colors....beautiful colors. I loved watching you run through them....well...your legs were so short that you actually hopped through them like a little bunny...you're so cute. Please help give mommy the strength to get through the next few months. I think of you every day. Please come visit again. I love you.

That's a really special picture of Daisy. You mention hanging Daisy's stocking and the fact that you and others can do it gives me more support that we can too. I doubt it would be easy, but would it be any easier than not hanging any stockings and seeing that?

I am glad you are doing better, it always makes me feel better than others are doing better.

Hi, Annette, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. What a WONDERFUL picture of your precious Daisy. I LOVE IT!!!

I'm glad I was able to help put the right words to what you are feeling, Annette. I know when I am highly stressed I go into a panic attack and my brain literally shuts down - - I can't think at all until the panic attack eases. These coming weeks are going to be a challenge, how well I know. They are stressful enough under "more normal" circumstances. Will you be able to take any time off from work over the next several weeks? Perhaps you could take a few days and just go to the next town to get away - - check into a hotel and treat yourself to room service?? I hope there will be a way that you can find the essential time you need to be alone - - to not have to put on the "public face."

If I find out which picture Oslo's Alma Mater selects for the contest I will post it for you to see but so far I haven't heard anything more about the contest.

Annette, it is an honor to be able to be a source of comfort and encouragement to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers every day, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing. Just remember, my friend - - we're with you, beside you in every step you take, - - one step at a time - - one day at a time.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you sooo much for sharing those pictures of your precious Daisy. She's so cute and adorable and I smiled just looking at her picture. It's easy to see why you're still hurting so much. I completely understand what you said about the holidays coming up - I'm dreading it. I'm so glad that we have this forum to help each other through.

Hang in there and take care,
Cheryl xx

Thank you Aaron, MoonBeam and Cheryl....that picture is probably one of my favorites thats been hanging on the wall...oh...I've lost count on how many times I've stood in front of it crying my eyes out....how many times I wanted to take it down because it just hurt too much to look at it...but I didn't.

I think I will be hanging her Christmas stocking up next weekend. I don't want to..but the tears are going to come whether I put it up or not...so we might as well do it, right? I don't think I will be decorating my home as much as I usually do during the holidays...It's just not in me..maybe next year. But I'm going to put pictures of Daisy and Alexis in my room and hang the stockings underneath them...with a strand of white lights..make it look nice for my girls. That way it's the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see when I close my eyes to go to bed. I'm crying already right now just thinking about it....ugh...I can also feel the anxiety poking at me...wanting to get in again. I need to tell Mr. Anxiety to go away...nobody's home! It's going to be a long couple of months for us. I'm glad for this site..I think I'm going to be here quite often in the next few weeks just to make sure I'm not the only one that wants to scream because it's all so overwhelming.

Take care to all

That sounds like a lovely idea. Gosh, this is so hard, isn't it? It's gonna be a tough couple of weeks for us all, but we will help each other through it. I'm here if you need me. We all are

Take care,
Cheryl xx

Hi, Annette, what you're going through sure does sound so familiar - - when it hurts as much not to do something as it does to do it. In this case - - your hanging Daisy's and Alexis' stockings, leaving pictures up rather than taking them down, etc.. How well I do understand those feelings.

Annette, just do what you feel up to doing, and if what you do becomes too much to bear, - - then it's okay to take things down and put them away - - to re-visit at a later time, when you're stronger. Remember - - nothing in this grief journey is "engraved in stone" - - AND your Daisy and Alexis will love you no matter what - - especially for you taking care of yourself and doing for you what is best for you. Whatever you do, or don't do, or try to do, or decide not to do, or wait to do, - - or whatever - - Annette, they are always in your heart and your memories, always with you loving you.

And, as Cheryl so wonderfully reassures you, so I echo her words: we are here for you to help you through these coming hours, days, weeks - - and beyond.

Annette, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you Cheryl and MoonBeam, It is going to be a tough holiday to get through...especially when the thoughts of "this time last year" keep popping in. One of my neighbors told me "just get another dog so you can get your life back" then she laughed. Now, I know she didn't --mean it-- the way I --heard it-- ...she's a very nice lady...but still....I kindly told her that I didn't miss having A Dog....I missed MY Dog...MY Daisy. Thats why I'm love this site...people here just get it.

Daisy: I missed you yesterday...it was such a beautiful day in the 70's...almost like summer, so I decided this was a good time to go outside and clean out our veggie garden and close it for the winter. Several times I looked over at your favorite spots...but you weren't there...it hurt. I swept away the spider webs covering the entrance to your dog house you never used. But ooooooo the look on your face when you smelled that a kitty had been in it the night before...your hair would stick up on your back and you would run around following the scent like a wild boar. I would tell you to be nice, since you weren't using it then share it with the outdoor kitty's so they could have a place to sleep. Yard work is just yard work...no more playing around...goofing off...just watching you sunbathe..it was more like "hard work". And yes dear...I raked the few leaves that did fall into some of the shrubs so your lizards and frogs will have a warm winter. I promise to take care of them for you. Remember when we were done we would both take a bath and lay on the couch for a nap? I cried myself into the nap because you were not next to me...but I had the most wonderful dream of holding you and you were just kissing and kissing me....thank you. When I woke up I still could feel you in my arms...which made me cry some more. I miss you bubble-butt. I miss you like crazy.

I love you,
Mommy

Yes, hearing people say things like that, even when they are good intentioned, are difficult. It's not like replacing a TV or a watch. These are living creatures we shared strong bonds with that cannot simply be replaced no more than bonds we shared with human family and friends can be replaced. Kristy and I are lucky to have family and friends who know what we are going through and can empathize, but not everyone we know is like that. That's why this site is so special.

Thanks for sharing those special memories. I could visualize you and Daisy being in the garden together as if I was your neighbor looking over the fence to see what the laughter was all about. I can tell how much you love her and how special she was. Always remember those memories and how special Daisy was. I still think it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

Hi, Annette, thank you so much for sharing your precious letter to Daisy with us. Oh how I know what you mean about the yard work - - now being "hard work." And I do so know what you mean about the "this time last year" creeping in, and how absolutely nothing is the same. Even though I am blessed with Noah's sweet presence, I know that nothing is the same for him either, and this saddens me even more because "this time last year" he still had his big doggy brother Oslo and his baby sister Abbygayle to snuggle with - - and now - - it's just me.

I'm so glad you were able to have sweet dreams of your precious Daisy. May each of your dreams be sweet ones of your precious Daisy.

Annette, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers frequently, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank Heaven
Thank Heaven
For Li...ttle Girls

On the Eve of Thanksgiving...I am soooo thankful that I got to share my life with you Alexis and Daisy.
Thank you for teaching me to:

Be patient and understanding
Be strong and independent
Knowing when to just stop....and take a nap
And when to take a cookie break.

I love you both and will never forget you.

And most of all, thank you God for letting me know what true love is and giving me the opportunity to become a mom (even thought it was to the furry-four legged kind

Happy Thanksgiving Day to all.

Annette, yet another beautiful and touching post that brought tears to my eyes. Both your girls are just... stunning. So beautiful and pretty. You can see just be looking at the pictures what a wonderful, happy life they led. That's all because of you, Annette. It's clear that you loved them both with all your heart and gave them the best life a kitty and doggy could ever ask for. They will be with you, always.

Hugs, Cheryl xx