Annette, your post really touched me. Once again, your words describe exactly how I feel. When I sweep the floor, my heart aches that there is no more of Buck's fur to pick up. I look at his leashes and collars hanging on the wall and sigh, knowing he'll never wear them again. I touch them each morning as I leave for work and pause. This morning as I moved away, I accidently jingled the tag on his collar. Oh, that sound. It was haunting.
I understand the finality you're feeling by getting Daisy's remains back. It makes it real, I know. We finally found a garden statue for Buck's grave and placing it on the ground brought that same finality you mentioned.
My heart goes out to you. I can't believe you had the strength to go into the vet. When we went to pay our bill and return Buck's meds, I began to panic as we got closer. My breath got short and my chest tightened. I told my husband I couldn't go in. Thankfully, he went in alone and I sat in the car. I couldn't even look at the door or in the window that was right in front of me. I turned my head and cried the whole time he was in there. I had been in the office after Frasier died and again after Niles died but this was different. Going in there after Buck meant everything really was over. That they ALL were really gone and this was final. I wish I never had to go back but unfortunately, I have to because of the girls we've adopted.
I understand how you feel about not wanting more. It's ok to feel that way. You may change your mind and you may not. I'm glad to give these 2 cats a home but I wish every day that I hadn't. They're sweet and they deserve all the love in the world but I don't have it to give, you know? I gave it all away already. My love is buried in the yard three times over. I guess I'll have to grow some more, I don't know. I stressed over the boys being sick for sooo very long that if I notice anything with these girls, I shut down. I completely disconnect from them. My husband has to take over taking care of them. I don't worry about them getting sick yet like I thought I would but I just crash when one doesn't eat or go to the litterbox when I think she should. I just want nothing to do with them then. It's very sad for them. I hope I can get better with that. But anyway, my point in telling you this is to say not to feel bad about not wanting any more right now. It's a decision that's very difficult and heartwrenching to make and to reverse. Take your time.
My thoughts are with you and your sweet Alexis and Daisy.
-Donna

Annette,

Your post to your precious Daisy (I guess all 'Daisys' are extra special ) brought tears to my eyes. The intense love you have for her is so touching, and it's heart breaking that you had to lose her. I know exactly how you feel about getting another pet. I, too, don't think I can ever go through this again. Sometimes I think about getting another one, to ease the longing in my heart for furry cuddles and kisses, but then I think back to the day she died. To the day I brought her little body home, and literally collapsed to the floor. I've never felt pain like it. I never want to feel it again. But then again... if I never have another animal in my life, I know I will never be truly happy again. To not know that love again ... I guess I wouldn't really be living. Maybe we just need to give it more time.

So sorry again for your loss. Sending you hugs, Cheryl x

Hi, Annette, yes, I can understand your hesitancy - - reluctance - - to have another beloved companion. I am into my senior years. This time last year I had three furkids -- two kitties and one Black Lab. Now, it's just my little kitty boy Noah and me. He is 7 years old now, which is middle age for a kitty. And because of my age and physical challenges that will become even more challenging as I get older, Noah will probably be my last companion. I am not looking forward to having to assist him on his final journey, whenever that will be. But I don't want to precede him out of this life, either - - to be the final family member to leave him - - alone.

With the deepest of love that we share with our beloved companions comes the deepest sorrow of separation that we will experience on this side of eternity. It goes with the commitment we make to them when we embrace our companions into our hearts and homes. The sorrow that you feel - - the deep grief you have - - are a testamony to the greatest love you and your precious Daisy share - - yes - - share - - because even now she is with you and will ALWAYS be with you. She is forever a part of you as you contnue your journey on this side of eternity - - nothing can ever take her sweet Living Spirit from you.

Some pepole fear that when the deep grief lessens and as they adjust to the new dimension form that their relationship with their beloved companion is taking that they will forget their precious companion - - that it is being disloyal to them to not hurt - - to not deeply grieve. Annette, I hope that as the deep grief lessens for you, that you will come to know that you will NEVER EVER need to worry about forgetting your precious Daisy. She is a permanent part of you. Even when the mind grows dim with age, there will ALWAYS be a spark in your heart glowing with the memory of your precious Daisy. I promise you that, Annette.

And Annette - - she didn't take her jackets with her. She left them for you to keep so that you could hold onto them. They are physical connection you will always share with your precious Daisy until you are reuinted with her at your appropriate time in eternal joy. Just know that when you wear your jackets she is wearing the set she has been given from the angels.

Annette, thank you so much for sharing your precious Alexis and Daisy with us. This grief journey is a one day at a time journey, and we are here for you - - with you - - beside you - - each step of the way. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please continue to let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Donna, Thank you....thats exactly how I feel....like I have no more love left in me to give. Half my heart went with Alexis 4 years ago and the other half went with Daisy. I've been around other cats/kittens but I never had the desire to get another one, I think I'm going to feel the same way with a dog. Donna, I also bumped Daisy's collar earlier this week....and yes...it was a haunting sound. I wanted to move it, but its always hung in the same place for years. It is hard having to do all this alone, but I do realize that grieving should never be done alone. Unfortunately there is no pet grieving support groups in my town, or the neighboring ones either. And paying someone for an hour once a week wouldnt do anything for me other than emptying out my wallet. I grieve every day, not once a week. I'm glad you are here sharing your thoughts...thank you. I know you worry alot about your two girls...but all good moms worry. They are lucky to have you.

Cheryl: Yes...I hope time will make us heal. One day I know we will be celebrating our sweet "Daisies" lives instead of counting down the months since they left us. When I'm ready to enjoy being outside again, I'm going to plant Daisies all over the yard, I will plant some in honor of your Daisy also.

MoonBeam, your reply about Daisy's Jackets made my heart melt. Thank you. I was thinking how awful it was going to be when I have to pack up all her things and put them away in a box. But now, thanks to you, I'm not going to. That closet in the other bedroom has always been Daisy's Closet and thats what it's going to stay. I'm leaving her clothes hanging so I can look at them and touch them whenever I feel like it. Whose going to come over and tell me otherwise? It's not written anywhere that I have to put everything away. Sometimes it takes someone to tell you how it "could be" instead of how it "has to be". Give Noah a big hug from me.

Annette

Dear Annette, it is soo o good to read your post. I am honored that I was able to help you about Daisy's jackets and clothes. And I LOVE the idea of planting daisies in your yard!! That's wonderful!!! You are so right about there not being any "set rules" with this grief journey. Each one needs to find what is helpful for them. In sharing with one another what has helped us, it helps others to work through their grief process as to what they feel comfortable with in their hearts. I am very honored that I was able to be of help and encouragement to you.

Annette, I hope this evening and weekend will be a peaceful one for you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Annete.... your posts, your feelings, your sorrows, your heartaches....are exactly like mine. Thank you for posting because I was getting so worried about myself, thinking, God... help me, please...., am I ever going to stop crying, stop hurting.

My precious buddy, Little Bit, was hit by a car, right in front of me (I can see the whole movie right this second), and the reason she ran in front of the car is because I called her to me. A milli-second after I called her, I saw the car coming, and I froze, hoping she would freeze too, but she didn't. It hurt me so bad, and does this very moment, seeing her get hit by that car, picking up her fractured little body, racing her to the Animal ER, knowing very well that she was in the process of dying... This happened on Thursday, Sept 2...., and like you, when I look at something on the computer, I think.... "When I wrote that, Little Bit was still alive," and I have the added thought...., "And she could still be alive if you would have taken one more moment to look down the street before calling her to you." And my heart falls, and I get sick to my stomache. But everything I see is time-stamped with that tragic moment. Right now I am on a break at work...., and I am thinking, "This time last wekk, Little Bit was still alive...," and my heart sinks, and I feel sick to my stomach again, and I remember - once again - she could still be alive if I hadn't called her at that precise moment. That simply adds torture and torment to already unbearable sorrow.

So, don't think you are "crazy" with your thoughts, because you are not. Everytime I walk outside my front door, especially at around 7:30p (when I walked out and called to her), my heart sinks and the tears well up in my eyes and I think..., "Oh God...., if I only..." There is a tree across the street where she was stretching (she was a cat, but thought she was a dog - she would chase sticks and always ran to me when I called her - always) for the last time when I saw her. I said aloud, "What is Little Bit doing over there...,?" with a smile on my face. Whenever I saw her and we hung out together, she gave me such joy because she loved life. She did everything with a smile on her face.

And you are right.... 3:00 in the morning has it's own kind of darkness and lonliness. I work midnights, and I feel this even moreso now that my buddy is gone. On my nights off, when only I was awake in the world..., I knew Little Bit would be the other heart beating during those hours and I would walk outside, and she would be there in an instant. I would swoop her up, her little back legs swinging upwards and I would cradle her in my arms and kiss her little black furry cheeks and tell her that I loved her.

But she won't be there this upcoming weekend. Already when I wake up from a fitful sleep I walk out and look on the back patio - where she usually was, waiting for me to wake up; or if she wasn't there, I would check on the window sill in my den. I'd pull the shade back and see her upside down, feet sticking straight up in the air, sleeping - but she is no longer ther. I still do it, and every time I do it, my heart sinks and hurt starts all over. When she was still with me, the minute I opened the back door she would come racing around the corner at a zillion miles an hour, too see me..., just like she did that fateful day.

I worry at times, too, that I will be one of those rare people that can nver get over a traumatic event, because it is constantly running in my mind. I pray to God for relief, and that one day this movie will at least fade...., but I also prayed right before Little Bit was taken that God help me change my life - which I wasn't happy with (bad habits). And my life certainly changed on that fateful day. I am not the same, nor am I doing those bad habits I was doing.

I went on the "live chat" line a little while ago, but no one was online. That's the problem with midnight shift, no one is ever around... except Little Bit always was.

Thank you for your beautiful postings. When I read them I cried so much, and exclaimed..., "I FEEL THE EXACT SAME WAY!!!"

I am so thankful for these boards, and the people that man them and reply to my posts... thank you all so much. I hope what you say about the healing process is true.



Little Bit:

I'm sorry I called to you at the moment. I hope you didn't suffer and I hope you felt my presence when I carried you. I love you Little Bit... and I miss our midnight talks - so much....

Its been a month now....yesterday was the 6th...I guess its time to count months instead of days and weeks...until I reach my one year mark. Why do we do that? The counting? I guess it's just part of the process to get us through. I remember in February of this year Jan 16th came and went. That was "the day" for my cat Alexis. I was looking at her picture in my room, I was smiling. Gosh, I remember that horrible day...it was my first...my first furbaby to leave me...remembering the pain, but I was glad I didnt remember when it came around this year (I dont want to remember their last day). I was glad that I was able to move forward and be happy again......But....little did I know....I would be going through that horrible nightmare once again with my Daisy. It seems twice as hard this time....especially with all the old memories of Alexis added to it.

I went walking yesterday...I had to...I needed to. My body hurts with all the sorrow and tension and crying. I wasnt moving around much. I'd come home from work, and just sit or lay down. I've had this pain between my shoulder and my neck. It hasnt gone away since this all started. I walk around with my shoulders right up underneath my ears all the time, I think I even sleep like that. I try to get myself to relax but 30 seconds later I'm right back to doing it again...and again...and again. Kinda like when I catch myself several times a day holding my breath. Every day..takes such an effort just to get through...its so hard. If I didnt have work, I would probably just stay in bed crying..but I cant...so I walked.

It was difficult...I felt the panic coming..but I fought it. No one was out, just me...just me crying. The pain in my shoulder went away...for a couple of hours anyways..but I'll take it. I'll take an hour of peace anytime now. This morning was a little harder. There were dogs walking their parents. It hurt looking at them as they walked by. They were happy. I said my good mornings...I was glad it was dark...I was glad they couldnt see my tears. At this time of year I usually walked the mornings alone in the neighborhood because it was so dark...then after work I would take Daisy out on the ditch. (The ditch was her favorite...I wont walk there yet...maybe in the spring I will...there is no way I'm ready for that......baby steps...) But the last time I walked her was in the neighborhood because it had rained for a few days and the fields were too muddy to get through. Our last walk...the last time I was happy.

Coming home....its as if I'm walking into someone else's house....standing in someone else's yard....living someone else's life. I dont even know who I am anymore. I have to "Re-Learn" how to do everything again....without her. I don't even remember what I enjoyed doing before I got her. I just know everything I enjoyed doing...was with her. It feels like someone just ripped out all the happiness in me and left me with nothing but sadness. When I'm at work or away somewhere, all I want to do is come home. And when I'm home, I feel like I need to get away...because I feel like I'm drowning. I just miss her...I miss Us.

Daisy: I miss you so much. I miss you taking me for my walks...it just doesn't feel right not to have you walking in front of me anymore. I love you....mommy

Hi Annette,

Once again, your post really touched me. You so eloquently express the true agony of losing something you love so much. Of losing a part of yourself. I can so identify with the feeling of not finding joy in anything anymore. The feeling of not knowing who you are without your baby. I wrote about that a lot in my posts to my Daisy. In fact, I even wrote a poem about it. It does start to get slightly easier with time. I don't think we will ever get over it -- but I hope we can get through it.

Even the pain you've been feeling in your shoulders -- I got that too. I also had constant headaches, which ended up turning into a chronic sinus infection, which I still suffer with now. I think it all has to do with the physical toll that grief takes on your body. It really does take it all out of you emotionally and PHYSICALLY. Keep taking your walks. Be kind to yourself.

You're in my thoughts -- Cheryl xx

Hi, Annette, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. The emptiness and the accompanying silence is deafening, isn't it? Acknowledging the anniversaries is part of the grieving process, particularly during the first year or so post-loss. When my Samson joined the angels in 1998, he was my first canine companion, I felt the same way as you - - I couldn't stand to be away from home and yet when I was home I couldn't breathe -- I felt like I needed to get away. It took quite awhile before I felt any comfort being home, before I felt my house was once again a home.

Annette, in time you will remember your precious Daisy just as you remembered your precious Alexis - - smiling. Right now, though, your heart needs time to reconcile your grief, and this is just going to take time, Annette. Grieving does put extraordinary stress on our physical bodies, so I'm glad you're trying to get some mild exercise in to help with this. Since your body is used to walking, this is a great way to lessen the effects of stress.

You are so right about the "baby steps" in this grief journey. Right now, though, it must feel like you're crawling and every time you try to stand, you feel your legs giving way underneath. But you are not alone, Annette. Each of us are here reaching out to you, holding onto you, supporting you with our collective strength through your sorrow and grief.

Annette, I hope you can feel my individual thoughts and prayers reaching out to you through the cyber miles, and that I do look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

It was a rough weekend for me. I knew it was coming, at the end of the week, I got in my truck I just screamed and cried all the way home. I think all this "pretending" for the work people just got to me. This weekend it just seemed like all the -little things- came up. It's been so hot and humid with the rain, and when I walked in my house....I could smell her....in every room was her scent. I didn't even turn on the air because I didn't want her smell to go away...so I sat there with my eyes closed and took in long deep breaths. God....I miss her. The cable people needed to come by so I moved the tv cabinet out and on the floor were some of her little nuggets. She always used to take a mouthful and run into the living room, spit them out, and eat one by one. On the cabinet there is a small ceramic box with a lid, when I moved it I opened it just to see if I had anything in there....I did...her first collar, I always liked the way purple looked against her black coat. A few weeks ago I tried looking for it but figured I must have thrown it out. Now I have it in my purse and she's with me when I leave the house. When I was looking, I found something of hers in every drawer, every cabinet, every closet. Old tags, empty prescription bottles, pictures, etc. She was everywhere. When the cable guy came I heard him open the gate...it was so quiet...my Daisy Doorbell wasn't here to let me know someone was coming...I would always have to pick her up to let them in. She was my little protector...sometimes I would put her in front of the mirror so she could see how big she really was.

Also over the weekend they were showing a movie on Judy Garland...then the actress started singing the song "Over the Rainbow"....ugh...I thought....really?....THAT song...NOW? I just stood looking at her picture on the wall and cried the whole time...I didn't even wipe my tears...just let them fall to the floor. What is it about that song? You never hear it, but when you lose a furbaby it's the most sadest, heart wrenching song ever.

I'm reading a book on grief. I bought it years ago when I first had to go through this. When I opened it up, the book marker was only at page 11. So I started over...every page seemed like they were talking about me. It describes grief like a dark tunnel, when you take your first step in, is the beginning of your journey. Since life is always moving forward...we must also..in spite of the pain, because we cant go back....we can stay...we must move forward or we might get stuck. That's where I'm at...stuck. Every step I take a step forward, I cant help but look back. Back to the life with Daisy. Happy. Right now it just seems like I'm taking one step further from that life...just...away, and part of me doesn't want to leave it behind.

It also talks about past losses. Now I know why some of my posts include my cat Alexis. Because I never actually "finished" grieving for her. Maybe things came up, work, bills, family, house issues, health issues. And so I put it aside, like I did the book, never got back to it.....never finished. But I don't think most people will finish. The world is so different these days. Everyone wants a "quick fix" for anything. People around us expect us to "hurry up and finish grieving because you have other things to do"

But as far as grieving goes, every step counts. We have to take every emotion that comes our way and deal with them one by one. Like depression. There will always be some form of depression with grief, you cant have one without the other, and it will hit some harder than it does others. But it OK to be depressed, as long as you recognize it and it doesn't become a way of life. Just like happiness is a choice, so is depression.

We have to be honest with ourselves. Admit how sad we really are...and how bad it really hurts. Just because I can take a walk in the mornings now and sleep at night doesn't mean the sadness and emptiness and the heartache is gone...it's still there, and it will be, for a good while. So while I was fooling everyone around me to thinking I'm doing ok, I also fooled myself, that's why I crashed this weekend. I'm still not doing good with the never getting to hold Daisy again. I just want to feel her in my arms, to feel her heart beating against mine. I hate that it hurts this much.

I'm sorry to go on and on...but I just came off a horrible weekend and I just needed to talk to someone.

Thanks for "Listening"

Annette

Daisy: Hi Bugaloo...I love you. I thought of you all weekend long. When I went walking this morning I saw alot of teeny tiny frogs under the street lights. I know how you loved to play with them...even though mommy always told you not to put them in your mouth...you always did. But that never stopped you. I miss the way you used to climbed on my chest when I was laying down and put your front legs around my neck and rub your face underneath my chin...like you where hugging me. I don't know where you got that from, you just learned to do it all on your own. You always knew how to make me happy.

Always thinking of you...love mommy

Hi Annette,

Thank you for sharing how you're feeling. You always express the pain so clearly. Whenever I read your posts, I find that I'm nodding my head as I read. "You're right..." "That's so true..." "That's exactly how I feel too..."

I'm sorry you had such a bad weekend. I just know though.... I know that you WILL get there in the end. It will take a while, but you will get there. The reason I know this is because you have such a 'healthy' attitude towards grief (if you know what I mean?). You're dealing with things exactly the right way. I'm right here with you, as we make our way back and forth through this long, dark tunnel.

Thinking of you.
Cheryl x

Hi, Annette, putting on the "public face" is hard when your heart if filled with deep sorrow. I remember so well the drives into work and home - - gut-wrenching sobbing. I was ever so thankful for the privacy of the restroom where I could run into when I couldn't hold back the tears - - just long enough to collect my composure and then go back to my desk.

Finding those precious "treasures" -- Daisy's collar, her tags, etc., - - something EVERYWHERE - - is wonderful!! I have experienced that, too, and do the same as you - - carry them with me wherever I go.

Annette, I hope someday you will come to understand that you will NEVER leave your precious Alexis and Daisy
"behind" as you move forward one step at a time. You won't have to look "back" for them for they are right beside you now and will always be just as they always have been. I hope that when you get to that place in your grief journey that you will feel a peace in your heart - - filled with the presence of your precious Alexis and Daisy.

Thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, Annette, for sharing your heart with us. During our journey with our beloved companions, we are whole picture - - a completed puzzle, if you will. When we lose their precious physical presence with us, a HUGE part of that picture, or puzzle, is ripped apart - - our lives are forever transformed to re-inventing that picture - - to once again completing that puzzle. So, don't worry about coming here to "go on and on" - - or as some folks put it "rambling." It is a part of the journey that will help us to make our picture, or puzzle, whole again - - INCLUDING our beloved companions who are with the angels.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Annette, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Annette, thank you for posting. Like Cheryl, when I read your posts I just nod and nod and want to write down little things you've said so I'll remember to reference them when I reply to you. You hit everything dead on! From the depression, to the physical pain near your shoulders, to finding her things all over. All of it is so familiar! "That's me! that's me!" I keep saying.
But as good as it feels to be connected in some way, I'm so sorry you're having to feel the way you do. This process is just so awful!
My husband and I have been painting the outside of our house over the last 2 weeks (ugh!) but as we've cut down large shrubs and cleaned out corners, we've found remnants of Buck everywhere. From his toys to his fur. We've cried almost every day. And I was vacuuming yesterday and stuck the vacuum hose under the computer cabinet and came out with one of Frasier's paper balls attached. Everything I do, everywhere I turn, they're there. But not in a good way. It's just reminders that their things are here but they are not. I like the idea of putting Daisy's collar in your purse. I think I may do the same.
Like your baby, mine were my life. They defined everything we did, most decisions we made, how I felt on any given day, on and on and on. I don't want things in my life that they don't know. We met our new neighbors the other day and it saddened me to think that they'll never know Buck. They don't know about him and that WE were never us without him. Everyone else in the neighborhood knew him. He was the first dog in our area of the neighborhood. They'll never know that. People I meet now don't know they are a part of my life. When people ask if I have pets, I falter with my answer. They don't want to hear that we HAD 3 boys but now we have 2 girls.
Reading back over what I've written, I didn't intend to make this about me. I meant just to try to show how very much I connect with what you've written. Your anguish comes right through the computer. My heart goes out to you.
-Donna

Thank you Cheryl, MoonBeam and Donna...it is a difficult process...your replies help me soooo much. The depression has gotten a hold of me, not in a bad way, but enough to know that its there and I should keep a watchful eye on it. It's the separation anxiety that I'm suffering from now. I have never been away from Daisy for more than 24 hours. that was usually due to one of her surgerys. I would always hate it when they would call and tell me they wanted to go ahead and keep her for the night and I could pick her up in the morning. I would always go to bed crying cause I hated having her sleep somewhere else.

I never went on vacation while I had her unless I was able to take her with me. My neighbors and friend always offered to take care of her so I could go...but never did...never wanted to. Not that I didn't trust them, but, I didn't want Daisy to be sad when I wasnt there at bedtime. I knew they wouldnt do all the mommy things that I did...the hugs...kisses...everything she was used to on a daily basis.

I've read some of the post regarding having to leave the site for a while to heal. I understand too. It is very hard. Here are some emotions we may experience during the grieving process: loneliness, helplessness, disappointment, resentment, depression, bitterness, dismay, abandonment, lack of control, denial, rejection, guilt, anger, jealousy, fear, pain, loss, sorrow, apathy, rage, confusion, anxiety, sadness, inadequacy, envy, dread, anguish, betrayal, distrust.

Is it any wonder how we even can get ourselves through this? I know of at least 6 of those that I sufffered at the same time. It's hard when the thought "I'll never be that happy again" keeps running through my head.

Donna, I read your reply on another thread, I'm sorry regarding your health issues. I totally understand. Yes, your health comes first. I havent been in to see a dr, but I think they would be telling me the same thing. I pray to God every night to help all of us on this site to get through this. I hope you can pop-in when you feel better. I have really connected with your posts.

When we leave this earth God will dry our tears, I think He does the same with our furbabies.....they're happy and in a good place now. He wont let them see us in pain right now. He knows how to take care of them. He says all old will become new again, He's not just talking about man...he means all his creations. There will be animals in Heaven, I dont think He will create new ones to be with us. God wouldn't create to just throw away. We will see them again.

Annette

I love you Daisy

Hi, Annette, I can so relate to your reluctance to leave your precious Daisy for a vacation as I am the same way. I am gone away from my furkids during the day 5 days a week to go to work, and I don't want to be away from them in the evenings or weekends, unless I have to be for a family event that I really do need to participate in. Many people don't understand this, but I understand exactly what you're talking about.

This grief journey is a challenge both physically and emotionally. The stress from grieving does take its toll, and that is why we must do what is best for us in order to "survive" this journey.

Annette, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I feel like a blanket of sadness has fallen on me now. I've had to "control" my crying. When I have a sobbing breakdown, the next day I would wake up with chest pains...on the left side. But if I just let myself shed tears, the chest pain is gone. I wrote down things that I enjoyed doing before I got Daisy and while I had her. Part of healing is that we re-discover our favorite things we liked to do and revisit them and make new..happy..memories. I love going to the movies. When they cut my hours at work and I started having Fridays off...I decided that instead of staying home and cursing the economy, I would get up early, take Daisy for a walk, work in the yard or clean then when she was getting settled in for an afternoon nap I would go see a movie. So this afternoon I'm going to try to go to the movies. If I feel like I need to leave in the middle of it...I'll leave. Then next Friday I'll try again...and again..until I "remember" thats what I enjoyed doing. It might be easier said than done. But I need to try. The holidays are just around the corner and if I'm not further along than I am now with this process, I'll crash hard again. Every now and then I would come across someone who would say: I hate the holidays...I wish they were over--- I could never imagine how anyone would hate them that much....I do now. If the holidays started next week I would want no part of it. It's going to be sad without her.

Yesterday when I went walking, I passed a couple with their dogs. (since that first morning I went I've been the only one out there) and it's just like Donna said....they'll never get to know Daisy either. They just know me as the lady that walks by herself. they even crossed to the other side of the street. But I used to do that too...I just figured that people walking alone didnt want to be bothered with a dog jumping on them. It never crossed my mind that maybe they were alone because they just lost their best friend. I feel like I dont belong to the "walkie group" group anymore.

When I discovered the ditch and took Daisy we were the "newbies". Any given day at any given time we would see 2 or 3 furbabies walking their humans. We would stop and talk and got to know everyone. Daisy loved it...she made me love it. Everyone loved her. we may have not remembered each others names but we always remembered the furbabies names. An Daisy had her nicknames.....Lil One...Peanut...Cutie...Precious. We soon became one of the originals and every year we would welcome the next newbie to the bunch. But every year we would have to say goodbye to one. It was always so sad...just one day you wouldnt see them..not even the owner. Once in a while would one would get up the strength to walk. You could see the sorrow and heartache...even from a mile away....but never saw them again. I kept having to push aside the thought....we're next....it's going to be us next.....and it was. Now I know why I never saw them again....its just too hard to be out there without Daisy by my side.

I have to do something with all this extra time now. In the mornings I have an hour of idle time. I clean or just sit and watch the news. Before I used to be running out the door so I wouldnt be late. Mornings with Daisy were all fun and games. When she was younger she would be outside barking at the school bus and kids, but when she got older she would hang out on the bed until I got out of the shower. Then she would lift up her head and look at me and turn over on her back. she knew what was coming....the zerbert monster was coming. I would put my arms up in the air and make monster noises as I walked to her then I would bury my face into her little tummy and give her zerberts....then always give her a good one in her arm pit. She would take off running into the other bedroom....come back with her front legs down and butt in the air, giving me the sign "Do it again Mommy...do it again!" and I always would. I wish they were capable of giggling. What a precious sound that would be to hear. It does make me smile now...knowing I would spend that extra time every morning before work with her....my "giggle time".

Now it seems like nothing interests me. At the end of the week co-workers will always ask "what are you going to do this weekend?" Sometimes I feel like just telling them "I'm going home to cry...and I'll wake up...and cry. I'll probably wake up in the middle of the night..again...sit at the edge of my bed look at the stars....and cry.....OK!...so stop asking"..........and so because of this...I will force myself to go to the movies. And afterwards I will stop by a tattoo shop....I've been toying with the idea for the past 20 years but always talked myself out of it...mainly because I never knew what kind of tattoo I wanted....until now. I'm going to get a daisy on the inside of my ankle...something small and pretty..something girly-girly..like my Daisy. So I'll look around to see if I like anything and maybe in the next couple of weeks I'll have one.

Daisy: Mommy sure misses our "giggle time". I hope God lets us hear the giggles when we meet in heaven. I love you

Hi, Annette, I'm getting caught up on some posts, and I read the poem you posted for Donna. What a lovely prayer poem.

Annette, unfortunately our lives and routines do change when we lose the physical presence of our beloved companions. Some people who still enjoy walking find different paths to take so that the "reminders" are not so painful.

Annette, I hope with all my heart that you are able to find a path you can travel that will bring peace to your heart and soul and life. I wish there was something I could say that could take away the pain you are feeling - - the emotional pain of loss, the physical pain of absence - - the pain of sadness. Unfortunately I do not have that power, but I hope you will feel my sincerest comfort and encouragement coming to you across the cyber miles to let you know you are not alone.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Annette, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

MoonBeam,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. My thoughts and prayers are with you also, and your precious Noah too. I hope life is going well with you. Lotsa Hugs.

Dottie,

Thank you for my picture. It brought tears to my eyes....good tears. I'm so glad you put butterflies...It reminded me of when butterflies and hummingbirds used to fly around 2 or 3 inches from Daisy's head. It was so magical....sort of a SnowWhite-ish way. They would even follow her...sometimes she would jump at them but for the most part she would just sit and look up at them. I was never quick enough to capture it on camera......I'm glad you did. Thank you, that was so sweet of you.

Annette

Annette, I choked back the tears when I read your long post. My sentiments, exactly. My heart goes out to you. I smiled when I read about the zerbert monster! We played "shark in the bed" alot with Buck. Good memories. Good but hurtful memories.
I've never been through anything like this before. My husband and I mourn every day. I cried myself to sleep just last night. Just thinking about how they're all gone. ALL gone - almost at once. It's still surreal.
You know I understand your walking concerns and also the movie. I wish you the very best as you try to go.
I also very much understand the chest pain thing. Maybe I haven't let it out enough because my pain doesn't go away. I'm still awaiting results of my ultrasound to find out if I actually have a physical problem or if it's grief.
Anyway, I'm thinking of you and appreciating your notes to me.
-Donna
Oh - I also love your idea of the tattoo! It's perfect. I don't have any but have contemplated it for a long time to remember my babies - long before they got sick, actually. I haven't come up with the right thing yet and I'm also a big chicken so I'm anxious to hear how yours comes out.