Hi, Loci, please permit me to offer you my belated sympathies in the loss of your beloved Cleo. I have been reading through your topic. One thing I want to say up front: clinical studies show that men grieve differently from women. This does not mean that they don't care as much, it just means that they grieve differently - - you know - - "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus" syndrome.

Like you, it's hard for me to avoid the dog food aisles in the pet store or grocery store. It still brings a lump to my throat that my handsome Black Lab, Oslo, is no longer here. My precious little kitty son, Noah, is my sole surviving fur child in a household that used to have 4 thriving fur kids 4 years ago, with two of them recently going to join the angels within 4 months of each other.

Your journey is still so very current, Loci. The emotions are so ready at the surface, and anger is one of the hardest grief emotions to deal with, along with all the others. Illness is one of the few things we have absolutely no control over, and unfortunately the physical bodies of our beloved companions do not always respond to treatments as we want them to, as we pray for them to, as we bargain for them to, as we expect them to with all the modern treatments at the disposal of our beloved's veterinary practitioners.

Loci, our beloved companions offer to us their undivided attention and unconditional love. We, in turn, surrender ourselves to them completely -- the better part of ourselves - - that is only reserved for and shared with just them. We do form a bond with them that is deeper and richer because of this. So, what you say about your precious Cleo being your soul mate is quite normal and natural, and nothing to feel apologetic about. This is not a negative reflection on the bond that you have with your husband and other loved human family members and friends.

Loci, I know I'm new to your topic in posting, but I have been following your topic. Please know you are close in my thoughts and prayers, and I pray that you will have a safe pregnancy and delivery, and a very healthy and happy baby. Cleo will be there celebrating this new life with you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

P.S. I tried to post this last night but my ISP went down and lost all internet access - - very frustrating.

Patricia and Moon_beam, I cannot thank you enough for your kind, heart-felt words. It's individuals like you who realize and have experienced that bond with their beloved pets that can truly understand the grief. I closed my office door and just sobbed reading both of your posts. It comforts me in so many ways. I do allow myself to grieve (I just try to do it in private), but I just get these spurts of anger about my loss and I get so frustrated that I get blinded by that anger. I try to focus on the good times and remember how very happy Cleo made me, but then the anger just sets in, and like my 2 1/2 year old, I just think it's unfair. I know it will pass. I know these are just the stages of grief. I guess I just didn't realize how incredibly difficult this was really going to be!

i have said this many times before; i am so blessed to be part of a wonderful community of people that truly love life and consider our furry friends to be a big part of our lives. they are our family. you are a part of this community, dear loci. every once in a while though, i wish i was like others, that disregard the passing of our beloved family members as if its nothing, they feel nothing. they get over it so quickly. its only fleeting because i quickly realize how truly blessed we are to have our wonderful furbabies with us. even if it is for a short period. i truly believe we are better people for having them. you are a better person for loving sweet cleo. and you are so right: it is so much harder than we realize. in my lifetime, i have lost my father, which was incredibly hard but when i lost my babies, well, words cannot describe. it went so much deeper. for the longest time i wondered why that was and it is BECAUSE they are gifted to us in order to teach us love. they are 100% pure love, thats it. we can get angry with them, brush them aside at times and anything else and they are still by our side. they teach us how to live life to the fullest. they are such amazing creatures.
its ok to be angry. be angry. scream if you have to. it IS unfair. they are taken from us too soon. if only we could have them for even one more day... what we wouldnt give! i wish i could tell you something, anything that would take your heart ache away, but i know there isnt anything. i wish i could tell you how to cope but i cant. i still have days where i just dont want to get out of bed. so give your wonderful sweet baby girl and husband big hugs. you all need each other right now. cleo had a beautiful life because of her family. you will always be a part of her as she will always be a part of you. tell her that, talk to her. she's upstairs watching over you.

“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.”
~ Will Rogers

you will see cleo again loci. please take comfort in that. it is what i hold onto most dearly in this life. i know that one day i will be reunited with my beloved babies. it is going to be such a wonderful day when little fred jumps into my arms and i will call out cleo's name because i know that she will lead me to you and i can give you a big big hug in person.
you are always in my prayers
patricia

Here come the water works. I cannot express how much I truly relate to what you just said. I have lost people close to me as well, and never has it affected me in the way that Cleo's passing has affected me. And you're right.....it's because Cleo's love (our furbabies love) is 100% pure. There is no judgment. There is no recourse. There is always forgiveness. There is always love there. If we could only be MORE like our animals, what a wonderful world this would be. I do feel at peace knowing that we gave Cleo a great life and we never went a day without telling her how much we loved her. All I wish, is that I hope she understands just how special she was to us. Like you said, the unfairness stems from seeing other people not caring for their animals and it does come from "what would I GIVE to have my baby back in my arms".

I would love to meet you in a place where both Cleo and Fred reside. I cannot wait until that is a reality!

Patricia - what a beautiful post. And so very true.

Hope you are feeling okay today, Loci. Your topic is so very touching because the LOVE you felt (and still feel) for Cleo just jumps out from the pages.

Big hugs, Cheryl X

My dearest Cleo,
I write to you here because it seems like while so many have moved on, I am still in so much pain. I watched a video of you that I'd never seen before this weekend of you playing with Izzy. To see you reluctantly play with her, as she was only about a year and a half, touched me so much because you were so kind, sweet and trusting. You sure had a heart of gold that was unmatched. In the video, you came up to me telling me "ok, I have had enough can I come cuddle with you instead?" and I held you tight and scratched your ears and pet your fur and oh, how I miss doing that every day! That killed me.....watching us interact like that. I just don't know why I cannot cope with your loss.

Tomorrow we find out the sex of the new baby. I know you would be following me around the house and keeping me safe and watching over me if you were still here. You would have loved our new house. I keep missing you on every hike I go on or every time I pass by the reservoir, your favorite place to swim. And to think how far we drove to take you there every weekend and that now we're only a mere 5 minutes away from it ........but you are not here anymore and I cannot take you like I loved to do and watch you do one of your most favorite things in the world. We're even going up to the mountains to the condo this weekend for Father's Day. The first time since your passing. I don't know how I will feel when I enter that place and you're not there with us. Kills me.

In any case, I must go. I hope you can hear my words even though they are typed. I hope you know that I think about you every day. I hope you know that I dream about you every night. I hope you know how much I still, and always will, love you.

you are very kind cheryl. and loci, thru tears, i read and loved what you wrote for cleo. be assured that she "hears" everything that is in your heart, because thats where she lives now. youre so right when you said if we could be more like them. how true that is! we would be more tolerant of each other, we would love so fiercely, we would listen to one another, never judge, never accuse. what a wonderful world we would live in. perhaps there would be no more wars.
im so glad that you lived everyday to its fullest, telling cleo how much you all loved her. i learned that lesson the hard way but never again will i miss an opportunity to tell my new furbabies how much i love them and cherish every moment i have with them. please be assured that cleo DOES know how special she was to all of you, you just told her. and by no means dont ever doubt, even for a second, how special all of you were to her. whenever you feel like telling her, tell her. shes only a "voice" away. and now with the new baby on its way, she will unwrap her little paw around the three of you, if only for a second, to re-wrap around the four of you. how blessed you were to have her in life and still are to have her watching over your family.
its so hard to cope. one day were fine and the next we cant stop crying. we miss our routines with them. we miss their kisses, their unconditional love, their presence, their nails clicking on the tile, their wagging tails, their beautiful smiles. but lets hang on to that day ok? that happy day when you and i will meet face to face with our beloved furbabies
you know, i cant help but think that cleo did a wonderful job teaching you so much about life and love. here you are expecting your second child and i bet that one day when your children look back on this, perhaps looking thru a photo album, perhaps just walking down memory lane with their mom, they will be forever grateful because cleo helped create an even more special mom, a mom that is so very special because of her four-legged faithful companion and teacher. we are better people for having them in our lives and they are worth all this pain that we endure when they are gone, for i would go thru all of this pain again; gladly; if i could hold fred again and feel his little tongue on my face, rub his little ears, and have him cuddle at my feet every night.
keep writing to cleo. let her know how hard this is on you, how much you miss her, how much you love her and how special she was to you. give hugs to your family. let them know how special and loved they are. cleo will love that.
big hugs ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) from someone who cares and understands.
you are in my thoughts and prayers
patricia

Oh Patricia, you just know the right things to say. Your post brought me to tears once again. How lovely to think that Cleo will still be "present" in our lives although I cannot be physically with her. I know she has opened a part of my heart and loved me for who I am. I cannot say that about anyone else but her, at least in sense of unconditional love. I will forever and always treasure our bond. I will always be thankful for having her in my life, even though it was for a shorter period of time than I wanted. I guess it will take a lot of time for me the heal and move on. I just have to come to terms with that. It's been almost 2 months and it hurts even more now for some reason. It's that ache that grabs a hold of me due to the incredible loss I am experiencing. I just love her so damn much!

Oh and by the way, we found out we're having another beautiful girl!!!! I am so fortunate.

Loci,

Congrats on your upcoming new addition. Two months isn't that long, after such a loss as you have had with Cleo. Your first posting, May 7, was the day I put down my Kota, almost 17 years old. I'm now in my second month without her, and like you, when the pain comes it hurts just as much as it ever did. Various friends and people look at me and say I'm doing fine, but when I talk about the loss, it goes over their heads. I know that nothing will ever replace the void left by Cleo. It's great you'll soon have a new living being to focus your love upon, and I'm sure you'll tell her all about Cleo. Thinking about you.

Dennis

you are very fortunate loci! another girl. how wonderful! well, i bet cleo was wagging hundreds of smiles when she heard the news. your love for cleo is palpable; it comes right thru my screen and i can touch it. but if i can, so can cleo. it will take a while for you to feel better again. after all its only two months; so very recent. grieving takes time. we go thru the shock of it all, the sadness, the anger, the sadness again and then just when we think im ok now, the reality sets in and the tears start all over again. but thats ok. take your time. the sad part is that there is nothing we can do to help speed up the process. like you said the ache grabs a hold of us and theres no letting go. something i did, when i began to feel stronger was to start a little memory book with pictures, his toys, his needles (he was a diabetic) just little things that reminded me of my best friend. it wasnt easy because i would take one look at a picture and my day was shot but in the end, i had a physical part of him with me. it sits on a shelf and i can look at it now and smile (really. that time will come) yes sometimes the smile is combined with tears but its a smile nevertheless. maybe thats something that you can do. with these little actions what starts happening is that we are able to continue grieving but at the same time remind ourselves of the wonderful happy times we had with them. and these memories are like bandages and slowly but surely you begin to layer them over the big gaping wound that shattered your heart. the more you layer these "bandages" the more the tears will begin to lessen and the smiles take over. you know, i dont know if our sadness ever truly goes away but at the same time, i think im glad it doesnt. because it is a gentle reminder of our wonderful friends and how much they meant in our lives. it reminds us to be gentler kinder people and isnt that a wonderful thing? when i read how thankful you are to have had her in your life, i smiled and i know that cleo did too. isnt that what its all about? how wonderful that in OUR short lives, we got to experience a love that is so pure and a never ending joy that only our furbabies can give us. in your life you are blessed to have known and loved cleo.
praying for peace in your heart.
patricia

Thanks Dennis. You are so very right. When I try to explain my feelings for Cleo and I get emotional, my friends and family cannot begin to understand why I haven't moved on yet. It's so difficult, isn't it? I am so sorry to hear that you had to put your Kota down on May 7th. 17 years with a trusted friend is such a blessing, but such a loss all the same. I am so sorry for your incredible loss. I am sure, just like all others here, that Kota was extremely special to you!!!!!

Christine

thank you Patricia. My husband and I actually joked that Cleo, although so patient and kind, would have put up with another baby in the house, but she sure missed the attention she got when she was our one and only for so long. We talk about her all the time and my husband can smile through the stories, while I just lose it EVERY TIME. Maybe it's the pregnancy and the hormones, but it is just so hard for me to envision a life without Cleo. I am so excited for our new arrival, yet at the same time, devastated not to be able to share it with Cleo. Especially when she helped me through the tough nights with my first child. She was always there for me.

I love that you have all those memories of your baby and keep them close to you. I have picture books, videos and even kept one toy out of hers. I do admit that there are pictures or videos that make me smile and laugh. And in fact, I posted one here right after she passed and when I look at it, it makes me happy to see her so happy and healthy. She was so sick the last 3 months before she passed that I had almost forgotten how she looked when she did the many, many things she loved. It definitely warms my heart and I just hope that she is just as happy and carefree.

Thank you for your posts Patricia. They truly help me put things in perspective sometimes when all I do is blow my emotions out of proportion.

My dearest Cleo,
I missed you this last weekend. We went to the mountains and my heart broke when I saw all of the dogs swimming in Lake Dillon. Oh how I missed watching you do one of your favorite activities of all time. Do you remember how Papa and I used to call you our little "tug boat' because of the cute little sounds you'd make bringing your floatie back to us? Do you remember how you would ONLY get your floatie and if another dog took it from you, you would just sit patiently and look at us for help......you were too sweet and kind to take matter into your own paws. You were such a sweetheart. I'm been trying to be good to myself but as your two month anniversary is approaching, I started to reminisce about that awful last day.....I keep envisioning you collapsing and me yelling for help and just shaking, seeing you dying in front of me. I knew inside you wouldn't be coming home and it just kills me. I have avoided that day and tried to focus on your beautiful life and the all the wonderful things you brought me....all the smiles and laughter and warmth to my heart. I need to re-focus my thoughts once again to those wonderful times.

As I type, Izzy ran to get me tissues because she's watching me cry as I type. She misses you too. Last week, out of the blue, she said to Papa "Daddy, I miss Cleo". Then she ran over to your headstone in our garden and ran her hand over it. So touching, but you probably already knew that.

We all miss you dearly Cleo. We all love you. We think about you often. Today I ache for you and miss you more than ever.

Love,
Momma

It's been 2 months since you left us Cleo. I hurt more than ever. Ever since we moved into our new home, there aren't any traces of you, meaning none of your hair to clean up since you used to shed so much. Your hair used to be everywhere!!! Interestingly enough, today of all days, I was getting dressed and found a hair of yours on my top. A reminder perhaps? I love you and I miss you dearly!

Hi Loci--

I was just thinking of you and wondering how you are doing in your new house without all that dog fur? It must be pretty strange for you.

I'm not in a new house, I'm in the same old house, and today it feels very empty indeed. It's only been three weeks for me since Ladywolf passed, and it's hitting me harder today than any day other than the one after she died.

So I'm wondering how things are going for you these days?

Much love from Margi and Spiritwolf

Margi,
It sounds like we're in the same boat. I too was thinking of you and how you're handling things. For me, it's a day to day struggle. My most recent upset was cleaning out our new basement and coming across some of Cleo's old toys! I was just devastated. I could just see her tossing her toys up in the air and rough housing, yet in such a gentle way. We always joked that Cleo really took good care of her toys. She would play with them rough enough not to destroy them completely. That dog was just too cute.

Sorry your home feels so empty. I think the initial shock of loss is always difficult, but as the days and weeks pass, it seems to get even more trying when you really focused on remembering the things they did, the things they loved to do, and just seeing them everywhere you go. Especially in the house. It's funny, although Cleo never lived in our new house, we still joke and imagine where she would lay (usually next to the bathroom watching me get ready), or keeping an eye out for "Papa" on Saturdays when he'd get her riled up for swimming. And to think that you have reference for Ladywolf all throughout your house......it just makes my heart break. I see pics of our old house and it just screams CLEO!

I hope things get better. I really have tried to smile and laugh when I see her pictures and videos, although tears proceed every time. I still ache terribly. I am sure you do to. Much love and many hugs!

Dear Cleo,
I still think about you every single day. I am reminded of the beauty and wonderment you brought into my life. While others seem to happily look back on fond memories, I still cry every time I think of you, see your picture or watch a video with you in it. Everyone keeps telling me that it's just harder on me because of the pregnancy hormones, but I say bull! Maybe I wouldn't be as outwardly emotional if it weren't for the pregnancy, but the very same feelings of loving and missing you would be ever so present pregnant or not.

I just wanted you to know how much I love and care for you and OOOOOH how much I still miss you!

All my love,
Momma

Loci, I can identify with so much of your story. I too believe that animals can experience love. In fact, I think they can teach us a lot about love.

Since my cat died, I've thought a lot about something my parish priest wrote shortly before his own death. He wrote "What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others is eternal."

That's a comforting thought to me. I like to think that it means that the relationships that we share with our pets transcend time and transcend death.

Kurt,
I truly believe that as well. I have to believe that Cleo came into my life for a reason and the connection I shared with her was not merely just an earthly connection, but one that goes beyond time and space. How lucky have we been in this life to have shared such a love with an animal. A love that most people would laugh at or think is crazy. And to those people, I feel sorry that they never get to experience such a bond.