Hi Kristy!
I am so sorry to hear about your baby Tonka. It's so hard to go through the grieving process and being pregnant on top of it doesn't help as you feel the stress, pain and emotion coursing through your body and affecting your baby. I try to tell myself often times to stop allowing myself to think all these thoughts and feel this immense guilt and be good to my baby (I am now 16 weeks pg and lost Cleo when I was 13 weeks pg). Everyone tells me "Cleo wouldn't want you to be so sad and she would want you to take care of that baby!" But I cannot help it. I miss her as if I lost my own child.

But.....I will (and I am sure you will too) make an effort to at least try and be more kind to ourselves. Your boy was suffering for a reason and he was suffering badly! Tumors can be felt through the abdomen, so they probably did not misdiagnose him. In fact, when they wanted to rule out a tumor as one of the causes for Cleo's IMHA, that is exactly what they did to Cleo as well.

On that note, I hope we can be a support for each other through this hard time and being pregnant. I ordered an engraved head stone for Cleo for the garden in our new home. I want her here with me in some way.

Hope you're having a good day!!!!! For me, I seem to do pretty well during the day, but the nights seem to be the worst!

Cleo is coming home today. I don't know how to feel about this! My baby left me sick and dying and now she is coming home in an urn. I don't know what I will do when I see her like that. I am at work and tears are just streaming down my face (how embarrasing), especially after my husband called me and said that the vet said she was "ready". In my mind, even though I know she passed on April 23rd, a part of me always had this weird thought that she was just gone for awhile and that she would be back. Now there is proof that she is most definitely NOT coming back. This is truly the end. My heart aches and I am NOT looking forward to seeing my baby in an urn. I don't know if I can bear to see it.

Hi Christine,

I know how you feel, as I received that call today telling me that Shelby's remains are ready to be picked up. My husband will go and get her - for some reason I am not able to pick her up. When my husband brought Casey home, it gave me a feeling of peace - like he was home where he belongs. Hopefully you will feel the same way about Cleo and me with my Shelby. It is so hard to tell with these emotions what we will feel - it's a roller coaster to say the least. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care.

Karen - Angel Shelby and Angel Casey

I wanted to add that I truly believe we will be reunited with our fur-kids someday.

Oh Karen, I really hope I feel like that too. A part of me wants her home so badly. Another part of me sees how final this all is. Such a beautiful creature now confined to this urn. But.....I have to realize it is just her body.....nothing more, nothing less. Just a shell....a sick body that has no use for this world anymore. Her spirit is all around me and I hope I will feel some of that when I "see" her.

Thanks for your response. It means so much!!!
-Christine

Last night was almost as hard as the night that Cleo passed. My husband called me crying hysterically.....I never heard him like that before......he had picked Cleo up. They placed her in a bag, which surprised me initially since we ordered an urn for her. My husband ended up getting her bed and placing her on her bed where she would have slept and then covering with her blanket. I wasn't quite ready to see her yet and it was a little too eerie for me. For me it was the image of her body no longer looking like her body, but fitting into a bag. It was unreal to me. I went upstairs, crying like the day she left us, and I saw her laying on her bed and all of a sudden a calm came over me. To me, she wasn't there in that bag, how could she be??? To me, she was sitting next to me.....her spirit was all around me......she was finally home. I am not sure what we will do with her remains, but it really doesn't matter to me at this point. I have had such vivid dreams of Cleo where she has come to me....happy and healthy and full of life. That tells me that she is free of her body and that is how I want to see her and remember her. I have ordered a head stone to put in our garden so I can sit and talk with her whenever I want to and know that she is there with me always.

Loci, I'm so sorry for you and your husband that this was so hard. I'm glad though that you were able to get some peace while you were lying down. I wish I'd have good dreams like that. I know it would help. I seem to only have eerie ones. I hope her spirit stays with you and comforts you always.
My thoughts are with you as you go through this. Unfortunately, we don't get over it, we have to get THROUGH it. And that stinks.
-Donna

Hi Loci
Your video was wonderful. Your girl was very talentedYou will always have that to watch and see you angel. I wished I would have taken videos along the years to see my angels running and doing what they loved. I have alot of pictures but it isnt the same as seeing them alive and having fun. I am glad you found peace when you brought her home. That is how I felt when I went back to get my Max I was having him cremated then changed my mind and went back to get his body I had been crying for 2 days after I left him at the vet then I called and ask if they still had his body and when they said yes he hadnt been picked up yet I rushed back to get him. I held him as my husband dug his grave and I cant tell you how much at peace I was that I went and brought him home. With our Dozer we had to have him cremated and when we went to get him it was very different we took a 145Lb dog and picked him up in a urn the size of a coffee can which wasnt even the size of his head. My husband and I cried all the way home with him. But I have a sense of peace now knowing he is here in the house with us. I try to tell myself like you, its just the remains of the body he occupied. His spirit and soul is what really matters. I feel his presence and have heard him here several times. Many times since bringing him home I can be in bed or in the other room and I can smell a very strong odor of burnt ashes as if it was right under my nose. I will say to him I know you are here my angel. Please dont feal guilty for not being there, you said your goodbye's earlier and she knew how much you loved her that is so plain to see. I can tell you had you went back then you would have that last vision of her to deal with and beleive me that isnt easy either. I can still vision my Smokey and Max taking thier last breath and it is still hard to deal with. So please dont feel guilty. Thinking of you and your pretty angel girl Cleo

Hugs
xoxo
Anna & My Angels Dozer and Max Smokey,and Lady

Hi again,

Yes, you are right about being pregnant and feeling the extra emotions really takes it out of you!! I am sure it is no easier mind you for those that aren't pregnant!!!

I hope that you are finding the days easier and like you, I find it harder at night time. Every night I cry, without fail even though I think that I am doing good throughout the day!!! Cleo wouldn't want you to be sad but I know how hard it is to get that through sometimes!

I also fully believe that they are around us all the time, still protecting us as though they were here. I might have mentioned this but I have 1 out of 6 down lights in my main living area that doesn't work and hasn't worked for months before Tonka went to sleep. Anyway, when we returned home from the vets, my husband and I were sitting on the lounge suite (right near this light) crying and comforting each other when all of a sudden this damn light came on out of the blue!! We both looked at each other and cried even more as to both of us, this was a sign from Tonka! These days, that light works occasionally and to me, it's Tonka coming home when he pleases. Strangely enough it brings me some peace in knowing that he can come and go and that where ever he is when he is not home, he is having a great time!! In fact, we had an electrician come around the other day to check some other lights in our house after a recent major storm and there was no way that I was going to let him fix my Tonka light - that's Tonka and he'll let us know when he wants to that he wants to come home - probably for a rest from all that playing he is up to. My point is, yes, I am sure that they are around us in their own way and to me, that is comforting!!!

Anyway, I sure hope that you are coping ok now that Cleo us home. It is hard to get used to, afterall it is so hard to get over your best friend that you have had for so many years in such a short time!!

Hang in there, you are one day closer to coming through the other end tough time and we are all here to help each other, afterall I'm nowhere near it myself

Take care

Kristy

Donna, Anna and Kristy- Thank you SO much for your kind words. You have NO idea the kind of comfort I have received from your words and from others here. It's so amazing the comfort you find from people going through the same pain.

Today we received a card from our vet. It was actually really sweet and the vet made sure to let us know that we did absolutely everything in our power to save her. For some reason, to hear that from the vet made me feel really good. But God, I miss Cleo so much! It's a cold rainy day today and I was listening to Tom Petty and Wildflowers came on. The lyrics made me instantly think of Cleo for some reason (I know not all the lyrics apply, but still).....

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
Sail away, kill off the hours
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, find you a lover
Go away somewhere bright and new
I have seen no other
Who compares with you

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
You belong with your love on your arm
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, go find a lover
Run away, let your heart be your guide
You deserve the deepest of cover
You belong in that home by and by

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong somewhere close to me
Far away from your trouble and worry
You belong somewhere you feel free
You belong somewhere you feel free

Thanks Anna for that beautiful picture of Cleo!

Out of curiousity, what do you feel about spreading your beloved pet's ashes? I cannot have Cleo's ashes in our bedroom. It makes me SOOOO upset seeing my once happy and healthy baby confined to a small space. I am beside myself. I want her spirit to surround me, not her ashes. I wanted to bury her under a tree in our back yard where I plan to place the headstone we bought to commemorate her. My husband, on the other hand, feels like we should go to the reservoir where Cleo loved to swim and spread her ashes there instead. He feels that burrying her in our back yard will be too painful and our new house wasn't her home any way. He feels that "letting her go swimming one last time" will set her free and she will be able to go wherever she wants now. I don't know how I feel about this. I part of me wants to keep her home and always have her presence there in our yard, but then I can see that releasing her would be wonderful because that is what she always loved. I guess I just don't know how I will react if I see her ashes released. I am not sure how I will feel passing by that reservoir EVERY day to and from work.

What are your thoughts? What have you done, or are you planning to do, with your pets?

Hi Loci--

Here's what I've done--separated the ashes into two or three bags and scattered/buried them in different places. Maybe someone else could do it for you if you don't want to do it yourself--the dividing up part.

I always told my beloved Poco Loco that someday we would move back to Colorado (from New Jersey and Cape Cod where we ended up living with my parents the year that she died.) I wanted to bury her in my parents' yard, I wanted to scatter her ashes over the sea in Cape Cod, and I wanted to take her back to Colorado--so I ended up doing all three things, and it was immensely satisfying! Solved the dilemma right nicely, it did.

So that would be a simple "solution" to your "problem"-- do both! Bury part of her in the yard right near you, and release part of her to the freedom of the water...

Whatever you end up doing will be the right thing, anyway. The idea is to somehow return Cleo to nature, and feel good about doing so. I too have always either buried or released ashes, instead of keeping them indoors, where it felt "unnatural" to me to have them...

Blessings to you with your decision, and your feelings of grief--

Big hugs--

Margi and Ladywolf

Margi,
That's a great idea. That way I know that part of her is still here with us, but still we are allowing her to be scattered in a place she loved so much. I actually live in Colorado. We just love it here. Glad to know you loved it here too. Again, I really like the idea and I will talk it over with my husband.

I am having a hard "Cleo day". It's been over 4 weeks now. So hard to imagine. The weekend wasn't too bad with its ups and downs of course. I was able to get out and spend some time with friends and with my family, which always helps. But I completely lost it today. I cannot stop crying. I miss my baby so much and it tears me apart. Although I see her pictures and watch her video, I get scared that I cannot remember what she felt like when I pet her or how her paws smelled. Almost like I am forgetting her or something. I don't know. I am just blabbering. I just miss my dear, sweet girl.

Dear Loci--

Unfortunately, the grieving process is a prolonged, drawn-out process. I'm sorry you were having a "bad Cleo day," but a month is nothing in the overall scheme of our grief. I have found that it came to "attack" me at the most unexpected moments and places--for example, I'd be in a shoe store--not a place that you would normally relate much to dogs--and I'd see the running shoes and remember that I could never go running with Diva Dane ever again, and I'd suddenly become a blubbering idiot and stay that way for two days--long after she had died. There's no way to control it, not that I've found. One just has to ride the tides of grieving, which you are doing...

But again, I'm sorry you had such a rough day. Be gentle on yourself--do some nice things for yourself--this grief episode too shall pass.

Much Love from Margi and the Wolf

That's so funny you say that Margi because that is when I lose it the most. When I walk down the pet food aisle and I catch myself reaching for her treats that I used to buy her......or when I pass a Petco.....or when I see all the dogs swimming in the reservoir. Or like you said, in the most unpredictable places......when I am taking a shower and I look down and I am so used to seeing Cleo laying there waiting for me. I just think how unfair it is that my baby is no longer here. I know the grieving process takes time.......I just don't want to lose these fond memories I have of her.

Dear Loci--

The trick of the mind, a GOOD trick, is that you will never lose the fond memories, but the PAIN will fade in time. Mostly our minds are totally unbridled creatures, out of our control, focusing mostly on the worst things they can, but when it comes to grieving, they seem to have some logic to them. We suffer for a long time, and then we don't, and we never know when that transition will happen.

("My mind is a dangerous neighborhood that I should never wander into alone" Annie Lamott.)

Keep the faith--you will always remember Cleo vividly and fondly, forever and ever.

Big hugs from Margi and the Wolf

I know we all suffer for such a long time, but the past few days have just been horrible. It's been a month and a half and I think my grieving is much worse recently. I am so unbelievably angry at the world and at every person who still gets to enjoy their dog. I get so mad when someone tells me to get another dog to help ease the pain because I want to scream and yell "how could you even tell me that????? There is no dog that could replace Cleo." I know getting another dog isn't necessarily to replace Cleo either, but to me it's like saying "you've lost your child, why not try for another one" or "it's JUST a dog, get over it".

I get upset that Cleo got this disease when she was totally healthy a year ago. I keep thinking how she should have been with us for at least 3-4 more years. I keep thinking of the days to come......I enjoy my time with my daughter and I am starting to realize how wonderful it will be to add another to the family in 20 weeks from now, but I cannot help to think that one of my children is missing........ I cannot help to think that I am so lost without her. She was my rock in SO many ways.

I don't know how to cope. We still have not spread her ashes, although I do think it's time. So sorry for lashing out. I just miss her beyond belief. Although my husband is extremely supportive and misses Cleo as I do, I think he'd worn down from me talking about Cleo, so I had to just get it out somewhere. I have always been able to keep it together. I have always been so strong. But losing Cleo has totally broken who I am and I have fallen to pieces. It's so weird to say, but she was definitely my soulmate of sorts. Someone who understood me and comforted me in ways no human ever could.........

dear loci
i just read your post for the first time and it completely brought me to tears. i am so so sorry for your loss. as i read your story, i could touch the love you felt for your first child. i completely understood when you said that cleo was your soulmate and its not a wierd thing to say. our furbabies are gifts on loan to us. they teach us so much and at the same time offer nothing but unconditional love without expecting anything in return. you were a wonderful mom to cleo. unfortunately our "gift's" are only with us for too short a time and then we are left with the incredibly deep pain. There will never be another dog that can replace Cleo, but she can and will live in your heart forever. and you know, i still have my babies ashes in my house. i dont know, i just feel better knowing he's still with me. its comforting in a way. the only way to cope is to allow yourself to feel everything youre feeling. you dont have to be strong. you will only make yourself sick if you try and cover up youre grief. youve suffered a very big loss and its ok to feel everything that youre feeling. i certainly know what youre going thru–i remember going into my bedroom and screaming as loud as i could into my pillow. there were times when i thought i would never ever see the light; i felt like i was drowning and i couldnt reach the surface. i couldnt breathe. i would end up in fetal position and sob and every part of me felt like it dying but i can tell you that i see the light now. i can promise you that time heals. take it minute by minute and dont forget to breathe. cry when you have to. scream when you have to. and know that cleo has her wings now and is looking out for you and your family and especially your new little one that is yet to come.
write often. this is the place to write your feelings out. we all understand and we are here to help you get thru this most difficult time. my last baby fred died a little over a year ago. when i miss him the most, i like to think that he is laying underneath a tree. the sun gently kisses his little face as he cuddles with his brother riley. perhaps cleo is with them now.
you are in my thoughts and prayers
patricia

What a beautiful post, Patricia. Thank you for your wise words--I'm sure Loci will appreciate them as well.

Margi and the AngelWolf