I'm over 45 years old, and we've had dogs all my life, so I know about putting them down when it's time but it was always fairly obvious in the past and not too much discussion about it... there were the exceptions - Casey who was "delivered via UPS" and the ones who very sweetly and mercifully died in their sleep.

My red chihuahua Belle was some 11 years old or so when she developed renal failure and I held her as the vet injected her, and she yelped - after the injection... I hated myself for what I'd done, and I still have issues about it - the renal failure was likely my fault for giving her a flea dip to begin with, and I wondered if I gave up too soon because of the cost of flushing her with IVs with no promise of a cure, etc. I think y'all know the drill.

So when Dutch my stoic red Boxer started having problems with her health a couple of years ago (cataracts, a seizure, gagging, etc), I ignored my (new) vet when he'd make noises about what a long and great life she had led and how old she was (as in "maybe it's time", that sort of thing)... I truly wanted her to die in her sleep, I didn't want her to be pushed. Every time something cropped up, we'd head to the vet and get some new med to treat the symptoms which would improve some, and we'd be fine for a while.

But two days ago the gagging cough for which she had been on Temeril got a lot worse, and she started coughing up stuff and couldn't keep anything down, not even extra Temeril. Her lung sounds were getting rattly and she truly didn't look well.

Up to this point, my benchmark had always been - as long as she enjoyed her food, she was well enough. Yesterday morning, she was not interested in eating. She was let out with the other two dogs to the back yard, walked out a little ways, and just stood there head down. She gagged and threw up a couple of times when she came back in the house. She looked miserable, and her breathing was bad. So rather than make her go through more of this, I drove her to the vet.

I still don't like that vet, I think he has a horrible bedside manner as far as people go... his older partner (not my chihuahua's vet, but a different one) is far kinder, but wasn't in yesterday. At any rate, I told him about my chihuahua and what I did *not* want Dutch to go through. He pretty much said she would just go to sleep, then had me sign the paper and got to work. I regret not taking more time with her now, but really she didn't seem to care at that point. Even on the ride there she wasn't looking around or sniffing the air.

At any rate, he was right. I held her head and scratched at the base of her tail where she liked it best while he found the vein and injected her, and eventually her head grew heavy in the crook of my arm, and she was gone. Her eyes never closed. I stayed with her for a bit, laid her head down softly, and left her there, looking for all the world like she was just watchfully waiting.

I am reasonably sure I did the right thing for Dutch... I know she was miserable; chances are good that she either had cancer or Cushing's disease, but whatever was going on she was so sick yesterday I could not make her wait in that condition any longer, no matter how badly I wanted to keep her with me.

I still have the two other dogs and they are okay, but they do not hold the same place in my heart that Dutch did, bad as that may sound. I am not certain, but I do not think I will feel *this* badly when it's their turn (Dutch was 13, the other Boxer is also 13, and the terrier is 16) if they do not die naturally... this is just a guess.

My goal now is to get through this grieving... I miss her an awful lot... these tear-fests are a little crazy and unpredictable, and I don't want to scare the family (two younger kids, a couple of older kids, husband).

I really do appreciate this website, as sad as its inspiration was. I feel very much understood here.

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Dutch. I am glad that you got to hold her and be with her in her final moments. I know it is so hard at first, the first few days after are like a blur.

She sounds like a beautiful girl... do you have any pictures of your sweet Dutch?

I'm so sorry for your loss of Dutch. You did the best thing. It would be far worst to hold on and watch them suffer in time. I feel your pain all too well. We'd love to see a picture and tell us one of your favorite memories when you feel up to it. You are lucky to have had Dutch in your life for so long...Hugs.Ann

Thank you both, Nemo's Mommy and ann. I know I have some pictures of Dutch, found the most recent one but the look on her face is one of those "get that camera off me, please"... she was so like me in that respect, had to sneak pics of her, she refused to pose. :] I will try to find one of her playing, but if I find one I would request - in case anybody is thinking of doing it - please no photoshopping of it for *any* reason... I know the intentions are good but I don't need that and don't want it, it bothers me, and no letters "from" my Dutch.

I know in my head I did the right thing, and probably in my heart as well for I know she was finally too sick to go on (prior to the day she went down, she was wagging her nub tail and ate so I think she didn't suffer very long).

Still, I suspect I am truly depressed now. All I really want to do is sleep, am having trouble interacting with my own family, can't really talk about it with anybody, not wanting to burden anybody with this weirdness but I miss her so much. I know I can't have her back, but it's harder than I expected to learn how to live without her.

I totally understand how your feeling. Just after I lost my Arthur. I did nothing in my spare time b4 work but sit on the porch and stare in the yard, picturing him running around and catching chimpmonks and dragonflys. And cried and cried some more. I did this everyday for months until the snow came. And everyday people at work would see me and say "smile Ann"..I couldn't. I felt dead. Then I found out someone at work was backstabbing me and I just didn't care. I heard I was saying things about people (I wasn't) and my attitude(over my loss) made people believe it was true. And I didn't care. I'd spend my days off with my partner and barely spoke a word to him in hours. I wanted to sleep, but couldn't without tossing and turning and of course crying. I gave up 5 weeks of summer vacation. I vouleentered to work on all the holidays including Xmas.
It's approaching 10 mo for me now. I can honestly say I feel I am moving on, very slowly. I got invovled in a vouleenter program at my local shelter, something I never thought I could do, but I am and I enjoy it and it's filling my void. I'm doing little things I use to enjoy. But I still cry everyday and I still feel pain, but yes in the same sentence it does get a little easier with time. We'll always love and remember them, like you said we can't have them back. Sometimes I pretend that I was just borrowing him for a little while and had to let him go back. Silly, I know.
If it wasn't for LS I don't know what or how I would feel today. I couldn't and can't talk to anyone in my life that understands why I feel the way I do over losing a cat and why I'm not over it yet. You get a pat on the back, an I'm sorry and then it's expected of you to be your old self. Know what I mean?
Just wanted to let you know I hear you, and look forward to those pixs...Hugs..Ann

I'm so sorry for your loss of Dutch.
The only thing I can tell you is that it's ok to love each companion differently.
Mothers, and fathers do it with children all the time, that's how we are wired.
People here are incredible, keep reading other stories, and it will help you heal.

Take Care[size="3"][/size]

Sorry for dragging up an old post (and sorry for running away, but it hurt too much to talk about any more at the time) but was rudely awakened yesterday to the fact that I'm still having issues with Dutch's death and I need some advice... and of course this is the place to get it. :]

First, thank you Ann... dead is definitely the perfect descriptor for how my spirit felt for so long. Still don't feel quite right, but with kids and work and other animals to take care of, well... gotta keep on keeping on, even when it doesn't feel like there's any point.

Bue's Mommy... I appreciate those words. The two "survivors" are still here - miraculously? stubbornly? - and they are treated well, but again they are not my Boxer buddy. *sigh*

Here's where I need some advice, please?

Tess and Cookie are showing their age rather significantly this winter, and to research what breeds might potentially be a good fit for our family I ignorantly went to petfinders last night. Big mistake. I did not go looking for Boxers, but I found one whose coloring and expression and eyes looked exactly like Dutch's. I sat there in front of the monitor and cried and missed my baby all over again.... and I wanted to bring that Boxer home so badly... and then I wondered if that was a good idea.

a ) I really know we can't do it now, and that beautiful Boxer girl will find another home by the time my two have passed on. That's okay. I understand. (But I will check at the time just to make sure).

b ) Is it smart to get a dog similar in looks like that, or am I asking for trouble?

I found a video we had done of Dutch as a puppy (and Tess as a young dog, but she still runs around like that only in *much* shorter bursts)... sorry it's long (no refunds), and there are kids in it who would be mortified to know it's being posted on a public forum but here goes...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2LVVWs3_lw

I'm sorry that I didn't watch your video--I can't get Youtube without waiting a long, long time...

But I understand having these feelings come up so many months or years later. We never stop loving THEM and we never should.

I don't see any problem with getting a dog who resembles another loved one, as long as you don't expect the new dog to be exactly the same and "replace" the other dog. They're all individuals, obviously, and it's not fair to either dog to make comparisons. If you can adopt the new dog with an open heart, I say, "go for it."

I know that I will probably never have another wolfdog after Ladywolf passes, so I think about getting another Brindle Great Dane--like Diva Dane, from my LAST generation of dogs. Danes are especially peculiar in personality, so I would have no idea what to expect--and that's the attitude you need to have when you take on a new four-legged. Just like a new child being born--it's a blank slate waiting to be filled. Your new dog will be dignified, or goofy, or cool, or overly exuberant or...whatever...will be its own unique self, and you and he or she will find great new ways to interact together.

Are the reasons you say "I really know we can't do it now" really valid, or just rationalizations? If you actually CAN do it, I say DO IT. That's just my opinion, but I do believe that dogs find US, rather than the other way around.

Please keep us posted, and many blessings to you!!

Margi and Ladywolf

Thanks, Margi. I understand the YouTube thing.

Can't adopt her right now because the two ancient alphas are still alive and the stress/power struggle factor on all three dogs would just be too much and unnecessary; plus I promised the husband no more until they are gone. *He* would prefer no more at all after they are gone.... but that's not happening. ;] At least one, and maybe two.

I did decide that unless I grow a third arm, two dogs is my self-imposed limit. Probably. :]

The keyword here is PROBABLY!

Margi

I was finally able to watch it--Dutch's video is gorgeous!!

(I am a great lover of muscular, short-haired dogs, even though my remaining beloved has a coat like...a wolf!)

Ladywolf

Thank you. :] Finally found some pictures, not sure how they'll appear but here goes:

Dutch:


Cookie and Dutch:


Tess:


Tess is having difficulty lately (eating less/more slowly), moving around seems to be an effort most times, takes her some minutes to lie down... then there are times when she will play with me with her toy, and jump around. Just don't know what to do. She is not in obvious distress as Dutch became, but I'm not sure anymore what constitutes "good enough" quality of life to leave her be. However, she is not a stoic dog as Dutch was; I suspect if Tess becomes uncomfortable enough she will let us know quickly.

Thanks again for providing a place to just "talk" things out. Responses aren't essential although I certainly don't mind them. Just good to have a place where people understand... :]

Hello blindsided,

I'm so sorry about Dutch.

I LOVED the pictures. I just love looking at them.

Ruby

Here we go again. Since she was introduced in Dutch's thread, I'll keep Tess's story here with her adopted sister's. :]

Tess (16-17 yrs old, shelter adopted in '93) will be joining Dutch over the Rainbow Bridge later this morning (Friday).

She still has those times when she perks up, but they are fewer and farther between, and there are more times when she's stumbling, roaming aimlessly, or struggling to get up or down. Her sleep seems to be less deep, and I'm guessing she's just not comfortable. She walks with her back hunched over constantly now, arched like a cat. This is new.

I know my benchmark was always "as long as they'll eat, they aren't put down," but I'm thinking maybe by the time they're so sick they can't eat they may be suffering too much already, just MHO. I don't want Tess to suffer any more discomfort than I suspect she's already in.

My eldest daughter (the one in the video) came over tonight to say goodbye, and the younger kids will say their farewells in the morning before school. My husband and I will be there with her.

I'm thinking I will give her a phenobarb in some peanut butter to sedate her some (she hasn't been in a car for years, and she will not allow anybody to touch her legs) an hour or so before we take her in. The phenobarb is left over from Dutch and I remember it did make her snooze pretty well. Hopefully it will keep Tess calm too.

Incidentally, Cookie may not be far behind. Her rear legs are going out on her control-wise... in other words, she silly-walks a lot. I'm trying some Deramaxx (more leftovers from Dutch) to see if it helps but it only seems to be making her "happier." This has been a rough year on my grrrrrls. :[

Thank you, Ruby. I love looking at them too. :'-]

I am so sorry to hear about Tess. This has to be hard for you losing two of your babies months apart. Callaway, the dog I had to put down almost 5 months ago, had all the same symptoms that Tess had. He was eating but that was probably because he was on predisolone. I always said that when he stops eating I would know it was time but Callaway could barley get up toward the end and was choking when he was eating because his lymphnodes were so big so I decided it was time, he wasn't having a quality of life and I knew it would just get worse. It was still the hardest decision and most painful that I ever had to make in my life.

I hope you are doing ok, as well as can be expected anyway. It is so hard to love something so much and then deal with the pain of loss, but I truly think that the love we share with our animals is worth the pain.

She is gone... :/ I asked her to give Dutch a sloppy kiss for me. :]



Rhapsedy, I appreciate your understanding and kindness. It *was* even harder a decision to make than Dutch had been. Dutch was obviously sick and in distress, and was asking to be let go. Tess confounded the situation by being perkier than usual today. The phenobarb didn't dull her IMO... reading up on it, it's not surprising; it's not a tranq, it's a seizure med (duh me, I should have read up on it before, not just based it on prior experience!). But this decision had been made based on months and months of seeing her struggle other days, and I still in my heart of hearts feel it was the lesser of two evils. No more second-guessing (can you hear me fighting myself still? ;] I can talk the talk though!)

I was surprised at the emotions... I suspect being with Tess has freshened the hurt from losing Dutch all over again.

Was also very grateful my husband was there this time. He had never been present for anything like this before, not even his own dog, and I think he understands better now why I was the way I was after Dutch. He made sure I was all right at home, and then left in the car to cope. He will be with me for Cookie as well, if possible. I guess that's a silver lining; loss brought a gain.

Another very hard and sad day for you and so soon after your Dear Dutch. It's good that your husband was there with you. Please give Cookie a hug from me.
I am thinking of you and sending prayers and hugs.

Jan and my Angels x

Until you go though the loss its not something that people can easliy relate too. Even if you have lost pets before but haven't for a long time I think we tend to block out this deep, heartwrenching, pain. I'm so sorry it been such a tough year for you. I'm sure dealing with Tess so close together probably does dredge up feelings from Dutch. I think you made the right decision. You knew she was suffering and that it was the logical, humane thing to do..... I just wish those feelings could be more easily reconciled with the feelings of the heart. Tess and Dutch knew they were loved deeply, just as they loved you deeply.

Sometimes I think the love between animal and their person(s) is perhaps the most pure unconditional love of all. Having know that love is it any wonder we are desolate when we lose it?

I hope you find some peace. My thoughts are with you.
Alison (Tatem's Mama)

I'm sorry for the loss of your Dutch. I wish I could say something comforting but I know at this stage of the grieving process sympathy can sometimes rub a person the wrong way. So all I can say is I'm sorry and we all understand how hard it is to lose a beloved animal companion, especially one we were particularly close to. Though the situations are never truly the same, we all understand and will be happy to hear from you any time you need someone to talk to about Dutch.