I realize I will probably receive alot of negative responses to this but I am just so overcome with grief that I have to get it out somewhere.

On 12/30 my husband and I made the decision to put my cat Conan down. He wasn't sick, which I think is what I am struggling with the most.

We got Conan before we were married, and were living together in college. He was the cutest little bundle of grey fur you ever saw. He was a little more agressive than I though a kitten would be but he was just so cute. My husband decided to join the army shortly after so I moved home with Conan. Somewhere in the next year or so he became aggressive towards people he didn't know. I remember taking him to the vet (who happened to be my father in law) and he was so aggressive they couldn't even get him out of his carrier. He told me he doubted we would be able to keep him and I was so angry. With me Conan was the sweetest cat ever and just wanted to lay and cuddle with me all day.

My husband got his duty station and we moved again. By this time Conan would bite and attack anyone who came over to our house, but was still the most loving cat in the world to me and my husband (most of the time). We got him a friend thinking that might help him, and it seemed like it worked and i would even catch him grooming her on occasion. A few years went by and we moved into a house, again hoping maybe extra space would mellow him out. however this summer we discovered cat pee in our garage, the first time I assumed it was just as accident, but we found multiple areas where the cats had peed on things, and although we don't know for sure which cat it was, i just had a feeling it was him. However, since it was contained to the garage i wasn't overly worried.

then i found out this summer that I was pregnant. We always knew that when this happened we would have to seroiusly consider what to do with Conan. While he was the sweetest cat in the world to us, he still had the tendancy to bite people (even my husband on occasion) and was really unpredictable. We talked about putting him down but I coudln't even bare the thought so we just left it.

Last week my husband came home to find the house covered in vomit from Conan. This was another problem we were having with him is he was just throwing up all over the place. I know you are thinking "take him to the vet". We were never able to take him to a vet here because of his aggressiveness. Even my father in law couldn't give him vaccines without having to put him under first. The vomit and pee everywhere was draining on me, i'm not going to lie. I was so angry when my husband told me what he had done that I was just like , "that's it". we called around to vets to see about him being put down.

This was on 12/29. I was so angry at him that day that I didn't even pet him. The next morning I woke up to find more vomit and was just done. My husband called vets and made an appointment to take him in that night. Once that decision was made I cried, i coudln't stop crying at work. I came home and fed him some tuna and just held him (that's all he ever wanted) and cried. I told him I was so sorry. He struggled being put in the carrier and cried all the way to the vet. I stayed in the car but my husband went in with him and stayed for the whole thing. I guess they had to put him under while he was in his carrier because he was acting so bad.

Now I am just filled with the biggest sence of regret I have ever dealt with. It feels like because I was so annoyed with the vomit and pee that I just decided to end his life suddenly. My husband and my inlaws keep assuring me that we did what was right. It wasn't about him making a mess, it was about the baby. That we realistically coudln't keep him around with a baby because of his aggressiveness towards everyone except my husband and I. It doens't help...I have not stopped crying since we came home that day. Even my husband had to take the day off work and we just stayed home and cried. I look at pictures of him now and I just can't believe he's gone...because of me. He loved and trusted us so much, and the fact that we did this too him is tearing me up. He was a really chatty cat too so now the house just feels so quiet. I keep thinking that we could have done more. We could have waiting and seen how he acted around the baby before just assuming he would be aggressive. We could have started letting him outside and making him an outside cat, although my father in law and husband don't think that would have been fair to him either, since we have alot of coyotes the live around our house. I just feel like we could have done something, instead of just doing this to him. Looking back now I'm so mad at myself for thinking that him making messes on things was enough to do this to him...looking back i realize that's it's just "things" and it doesn't matter.

I know I will regret this decision until the day I die...and I don't know how to get over this. I read that poem, the rainbow bridge, and it tore my heart out. I don't think he will be waiting for me because I did this to him. He wasn't sick, he was just difficult but that's no excuse. I would do anything to turn back the clock and have him here with us still. I dont' know what i'm going to do.....

I never thought a cat could effect me so much. I used to be one of those people who didn't get why people would get so upset over the passing of a pet. I get it now....i dont think i've ever felt this bad about anything in my whole life....

Dear Taralyn...I'm so sorry. One thing I will say is an animal that is aggressive constantly is not a happy animal...they are not relaxed to enjoy life. Some animals can be helped with aggression.. some can not. No one here can judge you..only you and your family know the real situation.

I will tell you something I never admited on this forum...Brutus was the love of my life....my soulmate....but difficult, high maintenance, stubborn...there were many times I said "things will be so much easier when he is gone"...gosh do I have guilt from those words....Brutus was old with a failing body/mind and he may have stuck around for alittle longer if I hadn't made the decision but he was not happy..he became aggressive with my other dogs....an agressive animal is not a happy animal again.

There could of been something physically wrong with Conan or it could of been mental...something that could not of been fixed. Conan will be at the bridge waiting for you because he loved you and you loved him.

I think it is great you have found the forum...it is not good to keep your emotions bottled up. I will be praying for peace for you and your family.

Hugs,
Brutus' Mom

Hi, Taralyn. First of all please let me reassure you that you are not a terribe person for deciding to put Conan to sleep. I was faced with a similar situation with my number one kitty son, Eli, because of what is known as Severe Aggressive Behavioral Disorder. There were other mental health issues with him as well. I, too, had never had a cat that had this type of behavioral problem. It wasn't that he was misbehaving with his potty habits, but he would viciously attack me without warning, and continue attacking me until he literally collapsed on the floor. And then he would be okay - - for awhile. His aggressive behavior started around 5 months of age. Neutering him only aggravated the situation. By the time he was one year old he was becoming a lethal weapon with me and my canine companion, Oslo - - who ordinarily he truly loved with all his heart. I talked to the vet periodically about Eli's behavior, and she thought it was "simple" behavorial challenges. I was at a point of total distress as to what I could do for Eli. The humane society could not take him and adopt him out beccause of his severe aggressive behavior. He would be euthanized if I took him to the humane society. I thought about surrendering him to a farm so that he could be a barn cat - - he was an excellent hunter and would have done well in that situation, I think. The only other solution I knew was to euthanize him. In desperation I called my vet again and made an appointment to take him in, and I gave her an ultimatum - - either we find a way to help Eli with his severe behavioral issues or he needs to be put to sleep. The vet I had was a very good one, and once she understood the critical issues she put him on Valium. It took a couple of years of adjusting his medication to get him to a "maintenance dose" but the Valium worked wonders for him. And he had 5 additional years that were good. I was able to bring in two other kitty kids, one male and one female - - Noah and Abbygayle - - and Eli was the very best big kitty brother to Noah, and Noah absolutely adored Eli. Unfortunately in September 2006 when Eli was 6 years old he was diagnosed with end stage Lymphoma, and on December 11, 2006, he was sent home to the angels. Even though Eli's story turned out okay, it could very easily have gone the other way. There was something "wrong" in Eli's brain that actually "short circuited". It was a feline version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and I never knew when "Eli Hyde" was going to appear. Unless you had a vet who was knowledgeable about this disorder and recognized it as being that - - it took me over 6 months to convince my vet that Eli had severe mental health issues - - the best thing you did for Conan was to release him from the terror of his brain dysfunction. It would have only gotten worse as he got older, and he would have been very unpredictable around your baby. It is better to have released Conan now before a tragedy happened than to have him - - without any premeditation on his part - - attack your baby. Believe me, Taralyn, I do understand how you feel. But Conan was ill - - even though it could not be "formally diagnosed" - - as many mental health issues can't be, particularly in our companion animals. And from what you describe about his constant vomitting - - this could very easily have been because of his brain disorder. Please know that you and your husband really did do the right thing - - for Conan, for yourselves, and for your baby. Don't forget the good times you had with Conan. And please know that Conan is now healthy in heaven's perfect garden - - and he WILL be waiting for you at the Bridge - - because YOU released him from a lifetime of terror on this side of eternity. There is no greater love than that, Taralyn, and he knows this because he knows that you loved him. Taralyn, please know you are not alone in this journey. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing. And if you'd like to e-mail me personally, please feel free to do so.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you both so much for your kind words. My mother in law also tried to tell me that they had thought there was something wrong with Conan for a long time because of his behavior. My husband, who grew up with cats his whole like, said that "normal" cats don't act like that. But all I can think about is how sweet and affectionate he was with us. He would sit for hours on the couch while we watched TV and wanted nothing more than to cuddle or scratch himself on my husbands stubble. If we didn't let him on us he was content to lay beside us, but always would make sure to have a paw touching us, like he was making sure we were still there. I'm trying to tell myself that we did the right thing, it just feels like we made a very hasty, life changing decision. I hope he can forgive me and understand why we did what we did.. I never realized how much I loved and needed him until now that he's gone.

I'm sorry for the loss of your angels as well. It feels so wrong to be on here when I read other stories about illness and old age, when I cut out mines life pre-mature...

Dear Tarilyn--

You did what you had to do, but I know it must just feel awful. But I agree with all that Sonya just said--you had to make the best possible decision that you could under the circumstances, and protecting your baby from harm must ALWAYS be your highest priority. You couldn't have placed him with anyone else, beause of his nature, you couldn't have given him to an animal shelter--they would surely have left him languishing in a cage for his limited last few days on earth. You saw him out as gently as you could have.

I know that the guilt is terrible. I told the story somewhere else on this Forum about my dog Luna. She developed cancer all throughout her body at the time that I was preparing to hit the road for a couple of years in a camper van. She was obviously in pain, but still eating, walking, even bouncing around, when my vet persuaded me to put her to sleep before I took off in the van. He asked me if I wanted to have an emergency situation with her while I was way out in the boonies somewhere, and obviously, I didn't. He also suggested that the rigors of road life would be too hard on her, and I had to agree.

So I fed her something wonderful, took her for a last walk (I'm crying while I write this), and took her down and had her put to sleep...

The guilt and horror were unbearable--I literally WAILED for ten days, not only because of what I had done, but because now it wasn't going to be "we" hitting the road together as a unit, but just me alone. I've never missed another dog as much as I missed Luna. I had to delay my departure for two weeks, and I was crying still as I struck off down the road.

Eventually, the guilt and pain subsided, but it did take a long, long time, and it didn't fully dissipate until first Ladywolf, and then Poppers came into my life years later.

Sonya, you were courageous to share what you did about Brutus, and I can add to that. 99.99% of the time, Ladywolf is every bit a lady and I can trust her absolutely, around babies and children and other dogs and all people. But she killed a kitten a few years ago, and right after I moved into this little house, a neighbor's little dog came into the yard and tried to steal one of Lady's bones and she attacked the little dog, Dottie. Dottie subsequently died, a week later, because neither her owner nor I could afford to pay for vet care for her, and we didn't realize how bad the one bite was. He still accuses Lady of having "killed" Dottie, which is not exactly what happened--but Lady DID attack, that was clear.

Since then, I've felt a bit like I'm walking around with a loaded pistol. After all, she IS 80-90% wolf, and wolves are predators. I think as she's gotten older, she's become even more wolf-like and less like a dog. So when Ladywolf does finally go, I won't be "armed" anymore--but neither will I be protected. And I'll be totally miserable.

I'm a therapist and one thing I learned in a training is that we almost NEVER reach the point where we have no ambivalence at all when choosing an action. That we, rather, have to decide how much ambivalence we are comfortable in sitting with, and then go ahead and take action. Is it 60/40? Does it need to be 90/10 before we can move forward? There will ALWAYS be regrets for the part that don't "fit" into our decisions.

I would rarely recommend getting another pet right away, but in your situation, a new NORMAL kitten might be just the ticket. Your child could grow up with it, and most kittens just LOVE babies. Your decision, of course, but something to consider, as it really might help to assuage your guilt and enable you to move on.

What a sad situation. My heart goes out to you!

Margi and the Wolf

Thanks for the response Margi

I'm glad to know I"m not the only one to feel all of this guilt and regret over doing this. I seriously can't remember the last time I've cried so hard for so long. My husband and inlaws are getting concerned that all this stress isn't good for my pregnancy, so I'm trying really hard to keep calm...but it's so hard when everywhere I look I'm reminded of him.

Thank you on your advice on getting another kitten. We actually have another cat, her name is Xena. It's hard to look at her now, we got her as a baby a few years ago so she's never been without Conan. I look at her and just feel so guilty for taking away her brother and best friend. They two of them are as different as two cats can be, where he was very affectionate towards us, she just kind of does her own thing and doesn't really like being pet. I hope that changes. I'm not sure I can handle getting a kitten again right now. I actually don't know if I will get another cat again because of this pain. I wish I could have somehow known if he was sick or had something "wrong" with him. I just wonder if us moving him around so much when he was younger had something to do with his aggressiveness. I just never though I would miss him this much...

Moon beam--

I didn't mean to seem to be ignoring you and your pognant story--we just cross-posted!

Margi

Taralyn--

Years ago my roommate brought home the cutest little Great Dane puppy (and I already had a Great Dane, and a pit bull mix!) Then he moved to Florida and left the dane with me and my new roommate...

Makena, the dane, grew up to be The Hound From Hell. I've never known anything like it, and hope I never do again. She ate EVERYTHING: kitchen cabinets, record albums--she even ate holes in the WALLS of my rented house. She was completely untameable and untrainable and had the nastiest disposition I've ever seen in a dog. The situation was horrible. Finally, she came flying into the house one day spurting blood from a cut on her foot, and when I tried to wrestle her to the ground to look at it, she punched me in the eye and split my eye open such that I needed eye surgery and stitches. That was the last straw.

So we started trying to give her away--the first family RETURNED her, saying "This great dane is NOT normal." We never heard from the second family who took her, and, obviously, never called to check up on her either. They at least lived on a farm and she was going to be an outdoors dog, thank heavens.

Before Makena, I never believed that an animal could actually be mentally and physically DERANGED, but I did after that experience. It makes sense--they are probably subject to hormonal inbalances and depression and terror and rage just as we are. We know that they all have different personalities. Maybe she had a brain tumor--I don't know--but never before or after have I been GLAD to see an animal go. I've never written about her before this. It was a horrible situation, but we did what we had to to maintain our own sanity!!!

So you see from these postings that you are not the only one who has ended up with a disturbed animal and had to make a choice like the one you did. I'vve often thought that it might have been kinder to Makena to have put her down than to have let her go on living! Sincerely.

Keep the faith--the pain WILL begin to ease up!

Margi and Ladywolf

I think I've come to the realization that we made a huge mistake. Looking back now yes, he had his issues with other people but not to deserve this. I even think he wad getting better. I don't want to make him out like a devil cat because he wasn't. He deserved a chance and maybe he would have been fine with a baby....now well never know and I'll regret this forever. I'm so sorry conan.

I won't continue to cry about it on here. I realize all of you would give anything for more time with your pet so me going on about taking mine early just seems insensitive. I needed an outlet and this gave me one so thank you.

Taralyn
I do feel so sorry for what you're going through.
You must remember that you have your baby to think about, and your health , especially at this time. You must be around 5 or 6 month I guess. Your Conan sounded as if he had many health issues and was not living his life in a 'good' way, even though you so obviously loved him and cared for him.
There was nothing else that you could have done, and remember you were supported in this decision by people who are not only professionals(your father-in-law) but also who were emotionally involved too. I'm sure everyone will have given your options a great deal of thought, and come to the conclusion that there was no other alternative.
Please , please don't be so hard on yourself. You will be heartbroken, I understand only too well what it's like to lose a dearly loved pet. You gave your Conan the best life he could have I'm sure of that, he was lucky that he found you. Many would have abandoned him or given up on him long ago with all the health and behavioural issues he had.
He knows you have done everything for him out of your love for him. Even that final decision, although it feels so wrong to you at the moment. He was plainly suffering, if he was so aggressive and vomiting and messing everywhere. Now he is no longer hurting and he will not blame you at all. He is at that Rainbow Bridge, healthy and healed and playing happily. No more aggression and watching over you and loving you.
We would love to hear when your baby is due. My daughter is expecting her third in the next month.Wonderful times ahead for us.
Take care of yourself, and please do keep talking on here...... but only if it helps you. You must look forward now. I wish I could give you a big hug, but a cyber one will have to do.
Thinking of you
Jan and my Angels x

Taralyn--

I second what Jan just said above--PLEASE don't be so hard on yourself. You'll gain nothing by taking on even MORE pain and guilt, nothing but misery, at a time when your life should be joyful and full of expectation. And please stay with us for awhile longer--there is a special kind of healing that takes place by giving and receiving on this very special Forum, but the healing takes time.

Sure, your cat MIGHT have been fine with your baby--but he might have clawed your baby's eyes out, too. He would, undoubtedly, have been jealous of the new addition to the household, and heaven knows how that jealousy would have manifested.

I--gently--suggest that you try to look at all of this more realistically. To other people, you'rs WAS a "devil cat." Just not to you. The same is true of attack dogs--they love their masters and are very gentle with them, but are extremely dangerous to other people and dogs and even babies.

I sincerely hope you can find some way to stop tearing yourself into shreds over this, because you're obviously a very good and loving person!

My thoughts are with you and your pain...

Margi and Ladywolf