Frasier’s story begins 14 years ago on a stormy night. I worked at my vet at the time and we were getting ready to close for the evening. One of our clients came in to drop off 2 kittens to be neutered the next day. She was overwhelmed by how many pets she had. When those 2 little orange heads poked through that cardboard carrier I immediately asked if I could have them! It’s not easy for me to make a quick decision so where that response came from, I do not know!
She told me I could have Niles(whose name was Simba) but not Frasier because he was a love bug and they didn’t want to give him up. When she came to pick him up I again told her that I would take him if she ever wanted to give him up. Luckily for me, 2 months later she did. My heart expanded and I fell in love again. The “brothers” were reunited and our life together began. Four years later we got Buck, a yellow lab/golden retriever mix. Niles couldn’t have cared less but Frasier had found his nemesis! He loved to hate Buck! Even though Buck had never done anything to hurt him, Frasier always acted like he was about to be eaten alive. But even still, he always made sure he was near Buck. He tried so hard to keep his love for Buck a secret but he was so transparent.
Frasier lived in his own imaginary world most of the time. We often joked that he wasn’t all there. Bless his heart. He played with wads of paper like they were hot potatoes. He would walk down the hall with one in his mouth meowing the whole way. In his mind, the plastic wrap off the ice cream carton was a dangerous anaconda. He entertained himself and us at the same time. He was the court jester of the house. He loved his brother, Niles, and I believe he looked to him for when to be scared and when not. If they heard a loud noise he would look at Niles and if Niles didn’t react then he didn’t react. If Niles looked afraid, Frasier would get afraid. They slept together so much I hardly have any pictures of them apart from one another.
Then came last year. I often noticed that he would sit away from us and had a look on his face like he knew something. My husband kept telling me to quit worrying so much. By Christmas, it was obvious I wasn’t worrying in vain. He started having trouble having bowel movements. He was diagnosed with megacolon and inflammatory bowel disease. This was manageable with medication although it was a daily adjustment as he would hit bumps in the road frequently. I always knew he was physically stronger than Niles but I began to realize that he wasn’t strong mentally. We could tell that he was troubled by his illness even when he didn’t need to be. He looked worried and medicating him really took a toll on him.
In June I began saying he just didn’t look like he was thriving. He was losing weight even though his systems were functioning. He began to pull away from Niles in July. His expression would fall when Niles came in the room. It was as if he was thinking, “why does he have to come in here?” He began sleeping during the day in the guest bedroom. I tried to tell myself that he just found a new spot as they often do. But deep down, I worried. I tended to his every need and tried to take the burden of worry from him. We finally found a food he was excited about and I felt like he was putting on some weight. Then I noticed that the weight was only in his abdomen and he still wasn’t thriving. My worry grew into a sick feeling in my stomach. Three weeks ago he stopped having bowel movements. I thought he was becoming impacted. My vet and I have been in constant contact this whole year (Buck has medical issues as well) and we decided to give him a little more time since it stressed him out so much to go to the hospital. He then quit eating and his abdomen was very large. I took him in on a Thursday and the vet discovered it had nothing to do with his megacolon. His abdomen was full of fluid - the result of either cancer, liver failure, or heart failure. The tests came back indicating heart failure. It would be manageable if we could get the fluid down. Days later, the medication hadn’t worked and he was even more uncomfortable. He then stopped urinating. I knew the medication had destroyed his kidneys. It was just too much to ask his kidneys to get all that fluid out. The night before he died was another stormy night just like when he first came into my life. I felt it was a sign. We took him back the following Thursday and the blood test confirmed what I already knew. The vet said the best thing would be to put him to sleep that day because the level of his kidneys indicated that he was on the verge of neurological breakdown and seizures. I couldn’t allow that for baby Frasier. My husband took him home and I left work. The vet was coming to our house on his lunch break so we could do it at our home instead of the hospital. I am so grateful for that. But I sat watching the clock and counting the hours then minutes before he would be gone. I felt like I was waiting for the grim reaper. When I got within one hour left of his life, I could barely breathe. I sat in the hall and stared at him as he tried to get comfortable and rest. I can’t bear to even look at the watch I was wearing that day because it counted down to the worst hours of my life. His last moments were peaceful for him but there aren’t words to describe what I was feeling. Over and over in the days that followed, I felt like he had been physically attached to me and was being pulled from my body. I was overwhelmed with the physical part of grief.
I have sniffled, cried, wailed, and sat silent with my head back and my mouth open. I have pounded the floor, I have screamed, and I have sat expressionless. I’ve been in the fetal position and I have squatted on the floor and I have spent a lot of time on my knees. I don't want anything new in the house because I don't want there to be anything he doesn't know about. I don't want there to be life without him. I know I will go on and I know I will be ok but I just wanted to tell his story to the universe so that someone/anyone will know his story. I miss you baby Frasier. My little Bean Bean.

im so sorry for you loss. all of us here understand and have pounded many a floors, lain in fetal position and have cried our eyes out for the loss of our furbaby.
what a beautiful life frasier had. and what wonderful home!!! i know there is nothing i can say to make you feel better right now but i can tell you that you are not alone. and sweet frasier is in a beautiful place now. a place that knows no pain just joy, like the joy that they gave us. someone here has a sign off quote that i just love: if dogs (and cats do not go to heaven, then when i die, i want to go where they are. im pretty sure theyre in heaven now and one day we will all be reunited.
hold on to that. and please keep writing. it is so healing to the heart
you are in my thoughts and prayers.
patricia

Dear tanbuck,

I am so sorry your baby passed away. On January 25, 2009 I experienced exactly what your experiencing. It was the worst day of my life. It is 7 months later for me, but I can still vividly feel what you feel right now. The first minutes, hours, days, and weeks are so painful. Someone came to our house too. I'll never forget that insane panicky feeling, watching the clock, staring at my cat, and being so aware that soon she would be taken from my life forever. FOREVER! I kept throwing up, I was shaky, and felt like I would pass out. I just kept pacing and mumbling, "she's still here, and she's not going to be here, she's here, but soon she won't be here, she's on the bed, but soon she won't be here...
I couldn't believe it. The day I feared most, was right in front of my face. I wanted to pick her up and run out the door. I didn't want her to leave me. I didn't want to live without her. There was nowhere to run to. I sat and nervously waited. Mouses wanted to be left alone, so I sat by and watched her a lot. I wish I would have been a little selfish and ran in an hugged her. I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't want her to have a seizure. I was so afraid to touch her. I didn't want her to leave sooner because of me. She was leaving me forever, and I couldn't even hold her. So painful.

I didn't want anything new in the house either. I still remember the first new thing. It was a picture made by my daughter. We had been hanging them on the wall. I didn't want anything to change. I wanted life to stop. My life stopped, so I wanted all life to stop...but it didn't. The world around me just kept spinning. My life had ended and nobody cared. It took me forever to put that picture on the wall. I was aware of each and every new thing. I sat there in amazment watching all of the new things come into our home. Mouses was not a part of any of it. My life didn't make sense anymore. I had a pantry filled with food bought for her that week. I had no idea she was leaving me. I kept picturing myself at the store unknowingly throwing food into a cart (like every other week) not having a clue as to what was coming. Mouses had died just after the new year. Around the middle of January I finally hung up the new calendar I had got for Christmas. I hate that calendar now. I still can't believe I had just hung it up, and now I was writing Mouses died at 1:19 on it. How did this happen. Was it really real?

We all know your pain all too well. I know it hurts to read that people still have pain 7 months later. Back then, every morning I would wake up and think how am I going to do this for the next 50-60 years. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't eat. There is light at the end of the tunnel though. Time really does heal all wounds. I never thought I could live without Mouses...but I am. I still miss her so much. I am still dreading the upcoming fall/holiday season without her, but I am OK. I now have a new brown tabby. I missed having a cat so much. I smile again. I breathe again. I enjoy eating again. Loss is a painful part of life. You will get through it. You will never be exactly the same, but you will get through it. WE CARRY THE BURDEN OF FEELING THE GUT WRENCHING PAIN, SO THEY DON'T HAVE TOO. We did the right thing. You did the right thing for Frasier. He thanks you for being able to love him enough to help him. I won't say let him go, because I'm sure you have not yet. I spent four months going over medical stuff, before I finally let my Mouses go. It took me a long time to realize I couldn't save her. She had been gone for months and I was still trying to save her. I still hang on to her, but she is my angel now instead of my earthly kitty. I found the best way to get through the saddest days is to keep reminding yourself of how much better they feel now. Mouses tummy doesn't hurt anymore. She can walk and run again. She can be her again. Frasier is all better now. He can be him again.

I am glad you found this site right away. I grieved alone for the first few months. I wish I had found this site on "that" day. Everyone here is so helpful. I lost all of my real life support after just one week. It is amazing how quickly people just don't care about your pain anymore. We always will. We get it. We will be here for you.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss of baby Frasier. Chris

Patricia, thank you so much for your kind words. I hate that we are all here for the same reason. It helps so much to have people like you out there to extend sympathies when so many people think it's just a cat.

Chris, thank you for your story. I've read your other posts on the forum. I know exactly what you mean about buying the food and having no idea of what was coming. I also kept thinking the same thing as I was waiting on the vet to come about him being here and soon not being here. He also didn't want me touching him much so I just stayed about 3 feet away and watched. I didn't want to hover over him too much because I didn't want to cry uncontrollably on him. I didn't think he needed my grief. I couldn't pick him up and hold him because of his condition and that was very painful. So, I know where you are coming from also. It's just so hard knowing I made the decision to end his life even though I know it was best for him. It even seems strange to say "it was best for him." How can it be best to be dead? But I know in my heart he wasn't going to stay and I had to prevent the inevitable painful and scary death.

I would like to consider helping a new baby but I don't think I can upset Frasier's brother, Niles. Looking at my 2 remaining babies, I know I will lose them soon as well. With Buck's terrible hip dysplasia and kidney problems, I worry he will go within a year. Niles checks out healthy but he also suffers from bouts with inflammatory bowel disease so I just don't know. He is fine right now but reality tells me that at 14, I can't hope for many more years.

Anyway, thank you both for your words. It's so helpful and comforting. I am sorry for the both of you that you have felt the same loss I feel.

I am so sorry tanbuck. It's heart breaking to read Fraziers story. It does get better tanbuck, it really does, just don't try and rush through it; allow yourself to grieve. It was a hard lesson for me to learn, but I've learned a lot from Callie's passing - about myself, and other people and how understanding they can be if we let them know we are hurting. Sharing our stories here is a great help I think.

hang in there and take it one day at at a time. i learned a big lesson when riley died the year before fred: to treasure each second i have with my darlins. please give buck and niles a big hug from me and lucy. our time with them is so precious. i wish we could have them forever....
you are in my thoughts and prayers.
patricia

Dear Tanbuck, I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Frasier.
I can so relate to that "countdown" I hve been thru it too and you are right there are no words that can express what you feel @ such a time.
Thank you for sharing your story here, I know it will eventually help.
You are a gr8 fur parent & I thank you for that.
{{{HUGS}}}
elaine

Frasier was a very lucky furkid to have had such a loving mom. I'm sure he knew you were doing everything you could do out of love to ease his suffering. My thoughts are with you all there.

Ken Albin

I am so sorry for your loss. It is very hard to lose a beloved animal, especially when we "schedule" it. There is naturally guilt and sorrow involved. But had we not taken that step, our animals would have suffered needlessly, with the same ultimate outcome. We should savour our memories and pictures of our pets, as they were part of our lives, and we of theirs. I believe we will see them again someday. Until then, keep their memory alive.

Take care....

Thank you to everyone for your words of comfort. I check the posts several times a day to see what people are talking about and it's exciting when I see someone has replied to Frasier's story. It warms my heart to know there are people who don't even know me but who care about my situation. Today has been hard thinking about Frasier's last moments but I am greatly comforted to know that it could've been much worse but we were able to avoid that.
To Jasonsmom - the picture of your cat below your name looks identical to the first cat I was really close to. His name was Bump. He has been gone several years now and lived with my mom for the last years of his life but I still think of him often and hate that he's not in this world anymore. What was your cat's name?

His name was Jason, he was born in 1993 and died in January 2009 of kidney failure. We nicknamed him "cattitude". He was a real treat - he always made us laugh. Aren't tuxedo cats great?

We lost our other cat in July of cancer, Fred, a huggy cuddly tabby cat. I haven't changed my profile photo yet, but it will be of both of them.

I still miss them both terribly, but at least they are together now...............

Bump must have been a handsome cat :-)

Dear Frasier,
To say that I miss you just doesn't explain it. I wish there was a word greater than "miss." We love you, baby. Today is Daddy's birthday and we both ache for you. I just wanted to say that again today.

how are you doing? your love letter to frasier was so sweet. i like to think that our "maker" read it to him and his tail wagged many smiles.
one day at a time....
patricia

Hi Patricia, I am fine. Thank you for asking!

Dear Frasier,
It seems like just yesterday you were jumping up on the washing machine to tear a hole in the new bag of food. How can you have been gone for over 3 weeks? How can you be gone at all? How could things go so terribly wrong so fast? It hurts that our little family is not intact anymore. I look at your picture and I can almost pretend you are here. I know you had to go. We will plant a peony on your grave soon. I searched awhile for the right plant to symbolize you. It's name is "My Love". I knew as soon as I saw it that it was for you, as the last thing you heard each night as you curled up with me was me saying "hey, love."
I love you, baby.
-Mommy

hang in there. youre not alone!
patricia

Dear Frasier,
Hey Love. It has been exactly one month today. The ache continues. I have warmed back up to your brother, Niles, but he isn't as affectionate as you were. I miss the warmth of your little body against mine at night. Every night I think of you. The other day I found one of your paper wads under the bed. I can still hear you dropping it in the hallway, wanting someone to throw it so you can chase it. As I told you many times in those last days, there will never be another Frasier Bean. And I still think you are perfect in every way. I wouldn't have changed anything about you except your illnesses. I love you so much, baby. As Niles and Buck get closer to leaving, I am so very afraid of this emptiness multiplied by three. Sometimes, it's hard to enjoy the living for fear of the dying. I miss you so much, Bean Bean. Here's the little weird cheer you heard so many times ....Beans, Beans, Potatoes and Beans, Beans and Potatoes and Bean Bean! Beanpole Beanapolous! I love you.
-Mommy

Hey Love. We're in October now. The last couple of days, Daddy and I have noticed that Niles is beginning to miss you. I think he is realizing you should be coming back by now but you're not. Did you hear him calling you yesterday? It cut open my heart, baby. I think he misses you bathing him and him bathing you. You two would really go at it sometimes and end up with wet heads! I miss watching the two of you doing that. He's looking around for you and has been over to where you died 2 times in the last couple of days. I know how much you hated me loving on him. Well, I have a secret for you, I think of you when I hold him. He acts like he hears you sometimes. Is that you or just him thinking it should be you? I wish you or he could tell me. I wish "the brothers" were back together again. I wish I could feel if you visit. I miss you so much. I love you, Bean.
-Mommy

Dear Frasier, how can you be gone? A wave of emotion hit me today seemingly out of nowhere. It dropped me to my knees and I wept like I did the very first day. I believe I’ve been suppressing that because it takes over my whole body when it happens. It was overdue. Frasier deserves for me to weep each day. He deserves so much more. I’ve never known such grief. I’ve never known such loss. How do people survive when it is another person? It’s so very strange to be living and dead at the same time. You are going through life and everything seems normal and then you remember. The loss floods your mind and your chest begins to ache. Time passes and then seems like it hasn’t passed at all. You know that you are several steps forward but feel 3 steps behind. My pets are the only children I’ll ever have. I watch Buck’s health begin to decline and I am so afraid of what is to come.

I miss you so much, Frasier. I just hate it that you can’t be here. It’s just so not fair that you had to go. It’s just so not fair to you. Could I have saved you? Was there a way? Why am I letting this guilt overtake me? It comes and goes just like everything else but why? I just don’t want you to be gone! I just feel so sorry for you that you can’t be here with us. You always just wanted to be in the middle of anything going on. How will I wrap gifts this Christmas without your “help”? How will I only put out Niles’ stocking? Why do I let myself slip into these slumps when I’m home alone?

Does anyone else have these waves that seem to come out of nowhere? Sometimes I feel consumed by feeling sorry for him that he can't be here with us. Like, why was he the one who had to go? Not that I would've chosen any one of my furbabies to go, but still, why did he have to go? Niles is his littermate and every day that he lives and Frasier doesn't makes me think that somehow maybe Frasier could've stayed too. Does this make any sense? Does anyone have a littermate to the pet they've lost and know what I'm talking about?
-Donna

It is hard, very hard and I too find myself getting hit with waves of emotion and I am sure I will for a very long time. I was writing in my journal last night again and something hit me about that awful trip I had to the vet again, thinking if I had taken her in earlier could he have fixed her troubles...then logic kicks in and I answer myself with a "no", I question constantly and have to answer myself because I live alone and don't have anyone to tell me I did the right or wrong thing so I have to stay strong and being on this forum has helped immensely! and writing in the journal- so that I just talk to her when I write as if she's still here- helps to get my feelings out so that I can get through each day. My kitty was the only child I have too so I understand.

I am sorry that you are having to watch Niles go through the sadness...I am not sure what is worse; having no one left or the rest of the furkids to cope.

My thoughts are with you tonight! I am coming up on 3 weeks and it still rips my heart out!

Mynutmeg, thank you for your words. I'm sorry for your loss as well. I guess we have to just keep muttling through.

Dear Frasier,
I'm so sorry, baby. That's all I feel tonight. I'm just so sorry. I'm sorry for everything I might have done wrong. I'm sorry you don't get to be here with your brothers. I'm sorry if I caged you in the house. I'm sorry if you didn't get to be the cat you wanted to be. I'm sorry you were bothered this year with your condition. I'm sorry if you were bothered before and I missed/ignored it. I'm sorry I didn't let you eat grass more even though that's all you wanted to do outside. I'm sorry if you were ever scared. I'm sorry I had to make that awful decision and watch it happen. I'm sorry you're not here. Mostly, I'm sorry for me. I'm sorry I don't have you. I'm so sorry, Frasier. I think I let you down. I promised I'd never hurt you. I told you you were safe.