Thanks Patricia you always have such nice and comforting words for people. Glad to hear your doing better with your losses. Thanks again for the diabetes info. Sorry you had to move right at the moment of Riley's passing. I am very thankful I had several months before we left our home. My husband wasn't thrilled about it, but he let us put our house hunting on hold for a couple of months while I mourned in the proper place. He thought I was crazy, but at least he was willing.
Even though we have plenty of space, I too try and remember that Mouses is finally free to be a cat. I picture her in huge fields running as fast as she can. In her 12 years of life she only touched the grass once. She loved to look outside. So I know she must be very happy outside.
Thanks again, Chris

Dear Chris (Mouse's mom),

Sorry about getting back to you so late. It's funny that I just found your response to me now. Just as I was again grieving over Elliot. Family matters interrupted thoughts of Elliot, but a few moments alone have brought them all back. Time is supposed to heal, yet it hasn't. My guy was so special, as was yours. How are you doing? I'm not doing so great. Haven't moved yet, but am up in Massachusetts helping my mother through a move from New Mexico. I have no desire to return home, since my Elliot won't be there to greet me. He was so much a part of my life back home as well as a perceived part of my future life. I hope you have moved on and are happy. Your post brought me comfort, and I will hang on to that when I return home.

Mimi

dear chris. we havent heard from you in a little bit. how are you doing? patricia

I know this is kind of an old post, but I wanted to say that I have read it several times, and it's beautiful, and it always makes me cry. I often think what I would do if I had just one more day with Eileen. And then I look at my cats I have with me now, and I think, what if this is the last day, and every moment is precious to me.

Magdalene

8/19 7 months ago today would be the day you fell. Today would be the day I should have ran you to the Emergency vets. It was a Monday.
8/20 Will be the day 7 months ago I should've reacted more when I noticed you sniffing your food, but not eating it, hovering over your water, but not drinking it.
8/21 I will be thinking about how amazed I am that I can't remember this day well (7 months ago). I know I watched you. We said if you didn't eat on Wednesday either we would make you an appt. I wasn't home much that day. I was looking at houses, and bringing M to preschool. I was at home on the computer you were behind me...what did you look/act like? I can't remember. Why don't I remember? Why aren't I calling the vet? I think this is the last day you followed your routine. You meowed a lot, but you were always a talker, so I didn't think that much of it.
8/22 This will be a day I hate. 7 months ago it was a Thursday. You looked very different on Thursday. You reject all food, all water. You stay on the bed all day. You fall again. You have trouble walking. All day long I will be thinking about how I should have ran you to the Emergency vets. I called our regular vets. They calm me down. They don't think it is an emergency. They make an appt. for Sat. 1/24. I know there is something wrong with you now. I call back and get an earlier appt. I wish they would have sent us to the ER. 7 months ago this would be my last somewhat normal night with you. I am still trying to stay positive. I pet and hold you while watching TV. I pet you on the bed. We go to bed our usual way. I tell you to stay ushy gooshy warm and mushy, because it means your alive. I tell you I love you. I kiss your head. Your ear smells funny. I fall asleep.
8/23 I will be thinking about how this was a Friday in January. I will be thinking about how I nervously moved about the house, while I gave you your space. Today was the day you hid. Today was the day you didn't want anything to do with me. Today was the day your increased respirations start. Today was the day you went in space. My Mouses was already leaving me, and I still didn't know it. I thought anything could and would be fixed. I nervously clean the house. I wait for the appt. If I knew you were leaving me in 2 days I would have done the whole day differently, but I didn't. I really never would have thought it. It wasn't clear in January. Today was the day my world ended. Fridays will never be the same. EVER! You have masses in your tummy. Your temp is 10 degrees to low. You are depressed, not eating, not drinking, staring off into space, not responsive to my affection, have elevated kidney and liver values, are anemic, restless,severly dehydrated, and in pain. I was still hopeful. We opt for surgery. We leave you overnight to stabilize.
8/23 nighttime. I will be thinking about how 7 months ago this was my first night without you in 5 years. I kept picturing you in that cage...alone. I still didn't have a clue I would soon be going to bed without you forever.
8/24 We wait to hear about your surgery results. I wanted to call them, but I also didn't want to know. They call late...only to tell us you need to go to the Emergency vets for the weekend. They couldn't stabilize you for surgery, and earlier that morning they find out your diabetic. They now believe (without surgery) that the Cancer in now invading other organs (pancreas/diabetes). Your prognosis is grim. I still want to fight. We take you home. I need to see you at home one more time. I take some video and pictures. We go to the ER. We were going to leave you there for the weekend. Surgery was scheduled for Monday. The older more experienced vet bursts our bubble. She paints a completely different picture. She is more experienced with reading your x-ray. She saw things the younger vet could not. She saw things in your bloodwork combined with your x-ray that the younger vet could not. She didn't think you'd make it through the night. She said you were dying right now. You couldn't breathe. She said it would be at least 2 weeks before you could go to surgery. You would be away for 2-4 weeks. We would still have surgery/recovery/diabetes/chemo ahead of us. We take you home to die with us.
8/24 (7 months ago 1/24) nighttime. Worst night of my life. Happy to have you still here. So thankful you didn't die Friday night without me. I'll never forget what it was like to know I was looking at you for the last time. Alive, moving, meowing, breathing. Sadly, you were gone already. You kept hiding. You kept leaving me. You couldn't breathe, you kept falling down, and meowing in pain. I should have brought you back, but I just couldn't let you go yet. I hadn't absorbed all of that. I was just watching a movie with you on Monday. You seemed fine...just another day. After 7 months of going over everything a million times. I have decided this. I was so afraid you would die alone...I took you home. I lost you your chance to survive. Although I did have good reason....I will never forgive myself for not giving you a week. I owed you that. This thought will never change. I wish you died while we were trying. I didn't know at the time it would be my biggest source of pain. I just wanted you home. I wanted you to die on your bed on our pillow.
8/25 I will be numb this day. I have watched you re-die every sunday. I will watch you die again on this day. I will think of the day I lost my best friend and how my world forever changed. I will never be the same. I am not the same. You died at 1:19 pm. You were gone forever. Your body still on my bed. How was I going to just hand you over? I loved you so much. I wanted to keep you. How could I sit at home while you were in a freezer. My baby. The tail I loved. The face I loved. You were no longer in there, but that was the head I kissed, the body I pet, the fur I brushed, the feet I squeezed, the heart I listened to, the eyes I looked into, and the paws I loved. I still can't believe you are a pile of ashes. Everything I loved turned to dust. I place you on the bed everyday with your picture. It now takes up the spot where you layed every day of your life. I often wonder if it is in your way (incase you decide to visit) silly I know.
8/26 On this day I will feel exhausted I will have re-lived your death for the millionth time. I will think about were I am at now compared to then. Doing better, but still not great. Trying hard to move on, and be happy for you. Trying hard to enjoy my new buddy, and family. I miss you. I miss you so much. I hate our sudden ending. I hate that I never once got to hold you in my lap and pet you, and know you were leaving. I will always hate that I didn't have longer to walk around the house and know you soon wouldn't be in it. POOF!! You were gone. I feel like I didn't even say goodbye. You weren't there to talk to. Could you here me...where were you. I am sorry you felt so awful. I am sorry I didn't have the guts to let you go sooner, or risk you dying away from me.

I don't want to go through this week. I am exhausted. I have surrendered. I have cried my eyes out, puked my guts out, and screamed at the world. Nothing has brought you back. Nothing can bring you back. Our ending is our ending. The day I feared actually happened. I just never thought it would be so soon. I hate that your not here. I want you back more than anything. I watch the new kitty and think of you. He will never be you, but it is very nice to be reminded of you in a good way. I would love to see you both together. Please don't be jealous. You are such a jealous cat. I have him to help me feel like I have a piece of you back. He is the only thing holding me together. i love you Mouses you are the one. I wish you could have spent the rest of my life with me. Promise me we are together for all eternity...it is the only true thing that keeps me going. I love you, I love you, I love you -see you later Mouses.

Oh Chris. I was crying as I read this. Just before I logged onto the forum, I looked at a few pictures of Sydney, and it broke my heart because I feel like they don't look as familiar to me as they once did. She doesn't seem as familiar. It feels like I am starting to forget. Not forget, really. Of course I will never forget, but I feel like the details of her are starting to fade. I don't look at the pictures and feel the essence of her the way I once did, when she was here. I hate it.

Anyway, I could have written most of this, especially the final paragraph. Sydney was a jealous cat too, and I often wonder how she feels about our new kitten in her house, using her things. I know we've talked about this, but I want to reiterate that, based on my experience, even if you had left Mouses in the vet for a week, it would not make things any easier now. Please don't feel guilty about that. I'm sure she is happy that she was spared the loneliness and isolation of being there without you. Trust me, you would not have wanted her to die there. Even though to you it would have felt like you were trying to save her, you would have questioned that decision. You would have felt that she died alone. You would have felt incredible amounts of guilt because you would have worried that she felt like you abandoned her.

I know these things because I know that this is how I would have felt if Sydney had died in the vet's office during treatment, and I know that you and I have such similar feelings about our babies, and such similar ways of grieving. I wish we didn't have to be the ones to make the decision to end her life. Mouses died peacefully in your arms, in her house. Sydney died at the place she hated, where she had been locked up for so many days. I don't want you to torture yourself over your decision. You and I made different decisions in our cats' final days, but here we are, in the same place, feeling the same way, having been blindsided by the loss.

(((HUGS)))

I Miss Mouses
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your beautiful words to Mouses. Like Jess, they made me cry as I read them. You said so beautifully what I would say, and do say to my Nicole. Thank you so much for sharing your deep love for your darling Mouses.

Tears are streaming down my face. I wish I wrote as well as you, but I think you've pretty much captured the way I am feeling right now. I am so sorry for your loss.

Thanks for the response. I was just typing away, repeating the same stuff I've thought and said many times...not really expecting anyone to read it. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I quess it's official...I've gone insane over the death of Mouses. It is seven months later and nothing is new. I am getting slightly better at the spiritual side of this/believing it was her time. I have to believe I won't hear I made the wrong choice.

Thanks for reiterating. I know your right. I took Mouses home that night, because I saw how she looked. On that night I didn't know all of the things I know right now. That night I truely thought it was the choice between her dying there, or her dying at home. She didn't look like she would make it. I stayed up with Mouses until 5am. I lightly dozed while I watched her sit alone in the hallway. When I woke up she was no longer in the hallway. I hoped she had went on her own. She was in the kitchen sitting by her water bowl. She loved water. It was morning, Mouses had made it to morning. The first thing I thought was, "I made a mistake." The doctor did say cats linger. She was right. I wanted to bring her back to be helped. My husband continued to call at-home-vets to come out to put her to sleep. I struggled all morning. I just wanted to bring her back. My husband told me to just let her go. I said, "what am I doing...home=death...leaving her at the ER=possible life." It was a Sunday, it was really hard to find someone. Part of me was glad. I really wanted to bring her back to the ER and try and save her life. Someone called us back as we were putting on our shoes, and the rest is history.

I try to remind myself all of the time that I made my choice back then. At the time I thought she'd be gone by morning. At the time I thought I would regret it forever and hate myself if she died while being poked and prodded at the ER, when I knew she was dying. Whatever she had was advanced...it really was too late...I think? I just wish I could say I tried to help her. At the time I thought the one night was an attempt to help her. I didn't know she needed so much more time to stabilize. It can take a month to stabilize diabetes. I was thinking more like TV, doctors rushing around, doing a bunch of stuff. The person either stabilizes or dies. I thought that one stupid night of trying meant something. I quess I can't win. I leave her there/she dies...I hate myself for that. I take her home/I don't medically help her....I hate myself for that.
This is why I always prayed for her to go in a good way. All of these details are so hard to let go off.

I know what you mean by the pictures. Mouses is starting to feel so far away. She is behind the glass. It drives me nuts! I used to look at her photos, smile, and then go spend time with her. Now I look at pictures, cry, and hug her urn (it is wrapped in my sweatshirt). Somedays I smile when I look at them. My first reaction is an automatic smile, and then it turns to sadness. The one con to getting a similar cat is they are morphing into one another. I find myself getting confused. When I first got him I knew immediately he was so much larger than her. Now I go, "Is he?" I knew he meowed differently than her, now I think, "does he?" I always want his pattern to turn into hers (both swirling pattern brown tabbies). Do you have any video of Sydney? I hope you do. For me it is so nice to really remember her. When I watch a video it all comes back to me. Her smell, her feel, her sound...her. It is much nicer than photos. Of course it has its downfall. They are so real...that you want them back more than ever.

Thanks for writing. Chris
P.S. Do you have trouble remember the week before? I have tried so hard to puzzle together her last week (the one before the fall). It was such a normal week. She was so normal. Why did they have to have such sudden deaths?? Damn that kind of death! After Mouses died I kept note of all types of sudden death. It really is just a part of life...a sucky ~~ty part of life. UGH!! How does your husband take all of this? Mine says the only reason he is doing better than me is because I dive into pain, and he swims away from pain. He simply says he just doesn't think about it. He won't let himself think about it. How is that possible?

I read your story, you express yourself really well. I am sorry for the recent loss of your Callie. I lost mine to Cancer as well. My thoughts will be with you as go through this process, especially the first month. I know exactly how you feel right now. I promise the pain will lighten. What a nice long life you had with Callie. I am glad she picked you!

~Mouses mommy

Your welcome! It is like I told Jess, I really wasn't expecting any readers. I was rambling my same thoughts on an old post of mine...just talking to myself. Thanks for liking what I wrote about my kitty. I have so much love for her. I always will. I wish I could express it better. I walk around with a broken heart. I miss Mouses so much. I know how much you love your Nicole. I know how much Jess loves Sydney. A love that lasts forever. I know because I have it too. A special bond...it doesn't happen everyday. Counting the days until we meet again....

I do have video of her - I think. My computer crashed a couple of months after she died and I lost some files. But for some strange reason, something had motivated me to burn most of my photos/videos to disk a few weeks prior to that. I don't have some of the more recent pictures of her and some of her baby pictures, which upsets me, but I have a ton of photos from in between, and I think a few videos if they managed to get burned onto the disk. I'm afraid to look because I don't want to know if they're gone.

I'm not ready to look at them yet anyway. I think it would rip my heart to shreds to see her alive and well. That sounds weird, I know. It seems like it would make me happy to see her that way, but it will hurt me so much to see her full of life and know that she is not that way any longer. I start to cry even thinking about the videos. I hope to be able to watch them one day.

I remember bits and pieces of the week before she got sick. I remember that weekend, the day after she ate the bird (before she really was exhibiting many signs of feeling ill). I was working on the computer and she kept bothering me and walking across thekey board. She did that often. She didn't like when we were on the computer. I was trying to finish something and I kept getting annoyed with her and told her to go outside and play. I hate myself for that now. If I had only known what was coming, I would have held onto her every second of every day from then until the end. I also remember going out to dinner with friends that night. We hang out with this particular couple often and always have a great time, and I always look forward to coming home and seeing my girls after a fun night out. Looking back, I feel like I was so blissfully unaware of what was just around the corner. I took for granted all of those times when we came home and she was there waiting to greet us. I thought there would be so many more of those times.

My husband tried to put it behind him pretty quickly. At first, he drove himself crazy trying to figure out what had poisoned her. He was the one who let her keep eating the bird (it grossed me out so I went inside), so he felt incredibly guilty about that. He's better at moving on than I am though. I dwell on things. For awhile, he would get annoyed at me because I was so upset about it for so long. I think he just hated seeing me like that and wanted me to feel better, but he kind of pulled away from me and that was really difficult because I felt very alone. We finally had a long talk about it and I was able to explain my feelings and then he was more understanding. Even now, I try to hide my crying from him because I don't want him rolling his eyes. He knows now how difficult it is for me, but I think he really wishes I could just put it behind me so we can be happy again. It doesn't work like that though, unfortunately.

It was just so unexpected. I think if she was an old, feeble cat, I could handle it better. But who knows. Maybe it would be even more difficult because I would have had so many more years to get attached to her. I think my husband is also kind of hurt because he doesn't understand why I just pine away for Sydney when I still have so many wonderful people (and pets) in my life. He thinks I love Sydney more than him. I don't like to measure love that way, but I will say that she and I had a bond that I've never had with anyone or anything. She is my soul mate, even though sometimes she favored my husband over me. There was just something about her and I felt such a strong connection between us. I think men in general just deal with grief differently too.

~Jessica

I Miss Mouses
I've often found your letters to Mouses captivating and powerful. You express so simply and honestly your love for her and your pain in losing her. I know that I've often been consoled by reading about her and your struggles to come to grips with her death, as I'm sure have others here. I just had to write and thank you for sharing so generously with all of us.

Thank you so much, I'm so glad (and forever grateful) that she picked me too! I'm glad you were able to make any sense of our story, I was just writing from the heart. I know you DO know exactly how I feel right now. I'm so glad to have found this site, to share with people that know and understand the pain I'm feeling.

Jessica,
Sorry to hear you lost some photos. The others WILL ALL be on the disk! I only have a handful of kitten pictures. I wish I had taken more. Good luck when you do decide to watch some videos...it is bittersweet. I am a little farther along in the process than you, so I did it a couple of months ago. It was really hard, but the pain was worth it. I had been looking at photos for so long, it was nice to see her move again.

I feel your pain about the keyboard situation. I never ever snap at Mouses. I yelled at her just before she fell. I try not to think about it. She meowed more than usual that week, and the week before (my only real hindsight sign that something was wrong). I had been listening to her meow for a week straight, my husband and I were debating in the kitchen. Mouses came into the kitchen by her water dish. "Meow, Meow, Meow! She got really loud. Instead of yelling at my husband, I yelled at her. "Mouses shut up," I said. I felt so bad about what I did, so I picked her up and carried her into the bedroom to place her on her spot, and kiss her head, and give her treats. This is when she fell out of my arms. I had her cradled in my arms like any other time, and she just fell straight to the ground. She didn't even try to land on her feet. She was frozen, and in a trance...she would not move. I really think she had a seizure. I waited about 2 min. I cried. I picked her up, and put her up on the bed, and felt every part of her body to see if she was in pain, or if anything was broken. She jumped down and ate, and went back to normal. The worst part is, I looked up to the sky (ceiling), and said, "Fine take her away from me too, see if I care!" Less than a week later she was gone. Surprisingly I don't harp on this. I never act like that towards her. I will not say boo to her ever. The most I ever said to her was, "no, no, Mouses." My husband always laughed at my attempt to scold her. I was heated from a fight with my husband, and I somewhat took it out on her. I don't know how I let "that" go, but I did. For a short while I thought about it a lot. It was a very quick 3 min senerio, but I still wish I lovingly bent down to her, and said, "what do you need Mouses," like I normally would of. She was a talker, and I always lovingly responded to all of her meowing, so I forgave myself.

I feel bad about the computer too. I already wrote somewhere about how I went on the computer at night. This is usually when I go into bed, and watch TV with the cat and my husband. Out of all years, this is the 8 months I decide to go on the computer instead. I'm still mad about that. I wish I spent the last 8 months of her life going to bed with her like I used to. Instead I surfed away, while she patiently waited for me. I turned around and looked at her all of the time. I would say, "I'm sorry Mouses, I'm almost done." She always gave up, and went to sleep. I would give anything to have those nights back, and choose her over the computer. I went to bed with her after, I'd pet her for an hour, but it still wasn't the same. I will always see her waiting behind me. I can't believe I didn't choose her. Sometimes her eyes and meows were so pleading I skipped the computer, but most days I didn't. That will always hurt.

Your situation with your husband is the same as mine. We had a big talk too, and I think he understands it better (although I am no longer allowed to talk about Mouses, unless it is an "i miss her" statement). He knew how much I loved that cat, I don't know how he can't understand my level of sadness. Just like your husband he would say, "Aren't we enough?" My life is full of love/family/friends. He just thinks I should focus on what I DO have, and be happy. He thinks I love the cat more than him. I can't explain it to him. I just know they are two different kinds of love, and I need both. Mouses was mine. All mine. She loved me. Her whole world was about me. That cat followed me everywhere, wanted to be near me all day. She was so crazy happy to be with me. It was nice. I miss that. I am always amazed how much animals can love us. I find it to be a little more special when an animal loves us back.

As for the week before. I have trouble remembering it. She is very routined so it all blends together sometimes. I know where she was all day long. If I was doing this...she was doing that. I remember her watching me from the bed, while I folded laundry. I remember petting her while I got some clothes together for a girls night out. I told her I would rather stay home with her. I took a nap with her on our bed one day. She purred the whole time. I layed my head on her belly while she sat on her couch spot. I told her I loved her. She gave me a funny meow. I knelt down by the couch and was face to face with her, and pet her between the eyes. I watched her as she looked out her window. I know we went to bed together every night. I just wish I remembered more. More specifics. Before my friends house, I knelt down by the bed and pet her, and kissed her head. Again I told her I'd rather stay home with her. I was driving home from my friends, and I just really wanted to get home and see my cat. That was Saturday. It was a three day weekend. I was gone a lot. Her last real weekend, and I don't remember much. Monday and Tuesday of her last week. I remember her coming across the top of our pillows on our bed. She always crossed from left to right. She was meowing a lot. I skipped the computer Monday and Tuesday, because she looked so cute crossing the pillows. I chose Mouses. I will always be grateful for that. Monday I watched a movie, and I can't remember Tuesday (it drives me nuts). Wednesday night. I can't remember. Thursday I choose her and go to bed with her. Thursday day, I laid on the bed with her after her second fall. I am in constant motion. I looked at her a lot. I wish I would have thought that through. I can look at her all I want now. I should have taken more time to sit with her, and touch her. She was there all day everyday. I saw her a lot, but I could have been with her so much more. SO much more

My sister is coming to visit. I've been trying to get my Mouses stuff out of my head, so thanks for listening. She is coming on a bad week for me. I don't really want to go anywhere. She visited me last August. Of course all I keep thinking is....this time last year Mouses was alive...and I had no idea she wouldn't be her the next time my sister visited. I so wish it was last August. I can remember Mouses on that vacation. My sister won't listen to me talk about Mouses either. She lost her 15 year old dog suddenly to Cancer. You'd think I'd have somone in real life who gets it. NO. She was sad for a week. It doesn't bother her at all. To her my old cat died of Cancer, big whoop! For me, my favorite should've had 8 more years, healthy, had no symptoms, best friend was ripped out of my life. She thinks putting animals through surgery and chemo is cruel. She is sorta happy for my cat, that I didn't get the chance to put her through that.

Hope you have a good week. I am going to be lost without all of you.
P.S. I must be such a cat person. Just coming on here and seeing your cute picture of Sydney eases my pain-I will miss that this week. Such a cute cat! I will also miss your comforting words, and how you relate to me, and vice versa. OK I really got to go, I've talked way too much, and the new cat is waiting for me...and I don't want to make that same mistake again!

Hi Chris. I hope you're enjoying your visit with your sister. I was actually away in Cape Cod from Fri-Mon so it was nice to get away. I didn't think about Sydney as much as I do at home because I've tried to train myself over the years to push the cats out of my mind while I'm on vacation. Otherwise, I just obsess about them and feel awful the whole time that they're lonely and bored without us there. Of course she made her way into my mind at some point every day though. When she first died, I thought to myself, how am I ever going to enjoy Cape Cod this year? It's an annual trip for us and while I love going, I also love that moment when we come home and I get to see her again.

This was the first time in a very long time that we didn't have her waiting at home for us. I know that I must be feeling better than I was when it first happened though because I was able to enjoy the vacation, whereas a couple months ago I didn't think I'd be able to enjoy any aspect of life ever again. At one point I just looked up at the sky though and thought, the last time we were here, I would have never guessed that the next time we came, Sydney would be gone. That was upsetting.

I also found myself missing Saylor a lot and worrying about her the way I used to worry about Sydney. She is very social too and likes to spend a lot of time with us when we're home, so I worried that she would notice our absence a lot. Or that something awful would happen while we were gone. That made me sad too because I felt like she was replacing Sydney in my mind. Of course it didn't make sense to worry about Sydney anymore, but at the same time, I was sad that she wasn't at home for me to worry about. Does that make sense?

I know what you mean about people, like your sister, just thinking, 'Oh, your pet died, that's too bad but you will get over it.' It's so not that simple. I feel like I want to scream to everyone, "I may look okay on the outside, but I am not okay!" Just because I smile and laugh once in awhile doesn't mean that I'm over it. It doesn't make it okay. I will never be over it and it will never be okay. The grief has taken up permanent residence in my heart and lies dormant every so often, but it is always there. A friend told me right after everything happened, "It's part of who you are now," and that's so true.

I'm so glad that seeing my picture of Sydney makes you smile. It makes me smile and cry at the same time. Sometimes when I'm out and about living my life and just feeling so alone in my grief, I think of you and Mouses and it comforts me to know that you're feeling the exact same way. Not that I want you to hurt. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But it's nice to know I'm not alone.

Talk to you soon.

~Jessica

Dear Mouses,

The smell of fall is in the air. For some reason I latched onto the last 4 months of your life. This would be starting in September. Well...it's September. I have been dreading the fall, which is sad, because you know how much I love the fall. The holidays are good markers for remembering your life, I think maybe that is why I kept thinking of those last four months. I love September through Christmas. I don't want to take this journey. Although it is a little ways away, your year marker is just right around the corner. I know how fast this time goes. Christmas will be here before I know it. Our first Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas in the new house, and I don't want to experience it without you. Target has back to school supplies out, next is Halloween. The last summer with you is somewhat of a blur, but I can vividly remember from Sept-Jan. I can remember what it was like shopping for Halloween costumes and decorations, while you sat upon the couch by the door awaiting my return. I always hated leaving you alone on Halloween. I can remember walking the blocks and thinking of you. We went around our soon-to-be new neighborhood, and I pictured you in our house on the next Halloween. I still can't believe this is all real. I am so much better than I ever thought I could be by September, but I still can't believe I am doing it, I am living without you. I keep picturing myself old, I know you will be just as familiar then as you are now. I love you my Mouses. I will never forget you. Somedays you get blurry, but then it always floods back in. This is one of those times. I feel you SO much. So much, that I'd swear you are around me. I still sleep with your pillow above mine. I will always hold that spot just for you. The new cat will not go there. I like to believe you are guarding your spot. I miss you above my head so much. I still can't believe I can fall asleep without you. I no longer lay on my left side. I only did that for you, but I do still lay my hand on your pillow too. Remember when I used to sleep holding your paw? I miss that so much. Remember when I would wake up to you staring down at me, or jumping on my head meowing loudly for a few new sprinkles of food. I miss your cat craziness. I always miss you messing up the bed. I could not make that bed without you jumping up on it. It drove me nuts, now it is what I miss the most. I wish so much you would just jump on that bed while I make it. Funny how that is. A constant reminder to love what drives me crazy. Those are the things we miss the most.

I miss you. I just wanted to say I miss you. I feel you in the air. I feel you in this house. You found me. You are the best cat. I can't believe how lucky I was to have you. To think I almost picked the gray one. I often wonder if he outlived you. It doesn't matter, I'd rather have one year with you then 20 with him. Sweetheart I'm so sorry you had to go. I know you miss me so much. You will always be a part of me. Always!! I don't want to rush life with the kids, but I secretly can't wait to see you. I wouldn't mind going after they really move on. I know they wouldn't want that. I know I would miss so much of their life, but I am anxious. I don't want to wait 50 years to see you. Can you come back to me when the kids are grown, and the new cat is gone? I wasn't done living with you yet. I really wasn't. I wasn't done helping you, I wasn't done worrying about you, I wasn't done knowing you, I wasn't done loving you, I wasn't done making up lost time to you, I wasn't done petting you, I wasn't done buying things for you, I wasn't done watching movies with you, I wasn't done going to bed with you, and waking up to you, I wasn't done hearing you....I wasn't done....I wasn't done. I can't believe your gone. Your 7 months gone. I love you Mouses. I love you, I love you, I love you!!!!! (Please don't be jealous of 30%....they say God doesn't give us more than we can handle (so hard to believe)...I think 30% (I really need to name this cat) was his way of helping me handle the great loss of you. I still can't believe he makes your exact same sound. So happy to hear that sound. I don't think I could have made it 50 years without that sound. I love seeing that fur around again...even if it's not yours.

P.S. By the way...Baby saw you again a few weeks ago. He said, "Look Mommy kitty" He got that huge baby smile he used to have for you. He chased you around the right side of the crib. He lost you at the dead ended corner that meets the wall. He looked under the crib, and looked at me and said, "Where did kitty go, Mommy?" Was it you? The new cat was in my room asleep under the bed. Please stay with us Mouses. It just isn't a home without you.

Dear Mouses,

It is hard enough that you have to be gone...why do I have to have so many unsettled feelings about your ending. It just doesn't sit with me. Will it ever? You died at 12 of Cancer. Average indoor cat death is 14. Why can't I just leave it at that, and just miss you? I am doing it again. I am obsessing about medical stuff again. Your goodbye video has me so confused. I guess the part of me that loves you soooo much just can't fully see it. You had abdominal masses (plural), you had a very low temp, you had labored breathing, you had elevated liver and kidney values, elevated bilirubin, anemia, anorexia, depression, lethargy, tummy pain, nausea, high wbc, dehydration, diabetes, and hind leg weakness. I have to write it out over and over. It seems so obvious on paper. If I read it about another cat I would see it as a terminal situation. I look at you on that video...I see you have trouble breathing....I know you have masses inside you....I know your temp is low...but you haven't lost weight, you haven't stopped grooming, your fur is so shiny and beautiful, your so strong, your just Mouses. Cancer?? Why did you not lose weight? Why did you eat and drink until the very last week? Why did you just play with your toys with me? Why was everything so normal?

Someone on another website has me thinking of Pancreatitis. Something that wasn't brought up, and something I never thought of. A cat died of severe pancreatitis. It had chronic pancreatitis throughout its life. The list of the symptoms were your symptoms, so I've been researching pancreatitis, now I am all confused. I wish I could re-talk to your vet, but it has been so long. Did they mention it? After the word masses I barely heard a word. Pancreatitis symptoms include: elevated white blood cell count, low body temp, nausea, elevated kidney and liver values, abdominal pain, dehydration, and anemia. Severe cases have diabetes, and respiratory failure. X-rays often reveal abdominal masses. An abscess near pancreas (you had a mass there), and intestinal haziness (exactly what you had). It also has a history of vomiting. This is the part that gets me. You had bouts of vomiting your whole life. You had abdominal pain when you were 4. We've had you looked at so many times, by so many different vets. Your bloodwork and X-rays were always amazingly perfect. ALL of your vets said, "some cats are pukers." You inhaled your food, and most of your vomit was undigested food. They told us not to worry. We switched to hairball care food, and you improved. Did you have chronic pancreatitis this whole time?

What am I suppose to do with this information? I should of had the necropsy. I knew not knowing everything would drive me mad. Both vets without a biopsy, and not making it to the exploratory surgery both said Cancer. One vet thinks Lymphoma, the other thinks liver Cancer. After you died I gathered another opinion...Pancreatic cancer (location of mass and not being diabetic for very long).

I really didn't need to come across this. The problem...if Mouses hides Cancer very well, and crashes before we can treat her, I can almost stomach that. Somedays I think I am glad I didn't get a chance to put her through all of that...because I so would have. Her dying of severe Pancreatitis would be awful. Not taking her to the vet sooner for Cancer didn't make that much difference in Mouses outcome, but not taking Mouses in sooner if it was Pancreatitis causes it to turn severe. Chronic Pancreatitis if not diagnosed and treated through strict diet can lead to severe Pancreatitis. It needs to be treated before it becomes too severe to turn around (diabetes, respiratory failure, and abscess (mass)). What if this is what happened to her? Taking her home to die for late stage Cancer with labored breathing was one thing. What if we took her home to die when it was just a severe attack of Pancreatitis? 2 weeks of intensive care could have saved her life, and she wouldn't of had chemo ahead of her. She would have still needed the surgery for the mass (abscess). UGH!! I am not a vet...I pray I am just missing something that is obvious to them. They are so similar though.

Does anyone know how to help me understand if Mouses had Cancer or Pancreatitis? Any info would be greatly appreciated. Maybe she had both?

I'm sorry, I can't tell you which she had. I know it's hard not knowing. I think you should probably trust the vets on this one. They have years and years of training and experience. Yes, they could have been wrong. But they were probably right.

I will tell you something else. I am a freelance writer, and I write a lot on topics related to pet health. It is well known and understood that pets are very good at disguising the fact that they are ill. Especially cats. It's believed to be an instinctual thing. You know, when they were wild animals, if you looked weak or sick, something bigger might eat you. It made you easy prey. So they adapted and learned to hide it if they were ill or injured. And cats are still very instinctual creatures, even when they are domesticated pets these days. It doesn't mean their owners aren't paying attention or just don't notice things we should notice. It means it is very, very hard to notice when something is wrong.

One of my cats was recently hit by a car. At least, that's what we think happened. He is OK now. But he was limping a little bit, just a little bit, and we didn't know why. We looked at his foot by it looked fine, so I decided to give it a couple of days to see if it got better before taking him to the vet. Well, it didn't get better, so we did go to the vet. Imagine my surprise when an x-ray showed a dislocated hip and several small fractures! He needed some serious surgery. And the vet said he had probably been hit by a car. I felt just horrible for not taking him to vet sooner. But he was walking, jumping up on stuff, eating, and playing. He was only limping a little bit. I had no idea it was something so serious. And that's just how cats are.

I am really, really sorry for your pain. I do know how much it hurts.

Magdalene