Hi everyone, I lost my best friend of 13 years about a month ago. I've been lost without her. I found this site a couple weeks ago and its been a Godsend as its helped so much to know that others loved their pets and miss them as much as I do. I was beginning to think I was crazy. I finally feel up to actually post my/Keesha's story. I had to have my lab/husky mix put down on July 1st and the pain has been unbearable since. I still can't believe she is gone.

I adopted Keesha from our local animal shelter in 1996 when she was 8 weeks old. She was the best dog a person could ask for. Other than going to work she did everything with me and anyone who came into contact with her loved her. Well on Sunday night, June 28, I let her out to use the bathroom before going to bed. A few minutes later I hear her crying so I run outside to check on her and see she's holding her front left leg in the air and appeared to be in a lot of pain. I carried her inside and called the vet. she said she probably just sprained it but if she's not feeling better in the morning bring her in.

She wasn't feeling better the next morning so i take her in and the vet immediately determined she broke her leg....she did an x-ray to confirm it. She told me she would need a plate put in and they don't do that locally. She got on the phone and attempted to set up surgery but nobody had the right supplies in stock and it would be atleast two or three days before they could get them in(which baffled me how none of these places had the right equipment and my poor dog is suffering with a broken leg). Anyway my vet calls me Tuesday morning and found a vet that could do the surgery....although it was 4 hours away!

So my wife and I borrow her sisters mini-van so we could put Keesha's bed in the back and she could have a somewhat comfortable 4 hour ride to this place. So we finally get there.....my wife takes the x-ray and paperwork inside and I sit on the back of the van with Keesha and comfort her. The technician comes out a few minutes later and asks me if my vet said anything to me about cancer. I told him no and asked him why. He said he's never seen a dog break their leg in that area unless they were hit by a vehicle or something along those lines....never just trotting outside. So he was going to go take a digital x-ray to see if they could say for sure. He picks up Keesha and away they go.

He comes back out and says he still can't tell for sure and they won't know until they go into surgery. If its cancerous he said they could amputate her leg and depending on how much its spread i could still get 6-12 months with her. So we were going to do that if they did find out it was cancer. I hated the thought of my baby only having three legs and most likely ending her days of going on walks with me but it was better than the alternative...putting her down. Anyway, they couldn't do the surgery until the next morning and wanted to keep her down there that day so we decided to go home and would come back on Thursday morning to pick her up....best case they don't find any cancer and go ahead and put the plate in and worst case they see a cancerous spot and amputate her leg but i still get 6-12 months with her.

They call me at work the next morning and say they still can't tell if the spot by the break is cancer so they were going to go ahead and put the plate in...obviously good news. Twenty minutes later the surgeon calls back and says he found a large tumor on the other side of her leg and a hole where the cancer started eating through her leg.....causing the break. My heart sank....he told me they could go ahead and amputate the leg but its most likely spread to her chest and lungs by this point and I'd get 3-5 months at the most and where bone cancer is so aggessive she would go down hill fast and it would be very painful for her. He recommended eutheninizing her while she was already under and she wouldn't feel a thing and would go out peacefully. As much as i didn't want to do that I realized it was best for her so that's what we did.

Besides missing her like crazy the worst part of this is I wasn't able to say good-bye to her. I feel now like i took her down there and left her with a bunch of strangers to die. Her last 16 hours on earth were with people she didn't even know. I feel horrible about that......the last time I saw her we were sitting on the back of the van and then they grab her and take her off so fast i didn't even get to kiss her or say good-bye.....Now I'm second guessing myself thinking i should have atleast drove the 4 hours down there and had the vet let her come awake long enough for me to see her one last time and say good-bye to her the way she deserved after the 13 great years she gave me. Would that have been fair to her though to wake her up just so i can say good-bye and then putting her through the whole euthenization process?? I don't know but I just miss her so much and hope she knew how much I loved her! sorry this is so long..my apologies. Just feels good to vent. Thanks for listening.

im so sorry for the loss of your beloved keesha. you know one of the things that i love most about my furry companions is that we can speak to each other without speaking. they know, they feel our love, our joy, our sadness, and our frustrations. everything happens for a reason although sometimes we just cannot understand why.

keesha passed away knowing how much you and your family loved her. you gave her the best years of her life. you cannot change what happened and perhaps it was for the best. you might be feeling really guilty if they had woken her up and she was in pain for you to say goodbye. you see, in these kinds of circumstances we never win. be comforted in knowing that she went peacefully and that she was no longer in pain. its not too late to say goodbye and tell her how much you love and miss her. tell her today. she can hear you. i believe they become our angels and the watch over us.

always remember that you gave her the best 13 years of her life. she knew how much you loved her. there is no question. they always know. and the decision you made over the phone? well it was made out of the utmost love. and she knows that.

take it one day at a time. you are amongst a group of people that consider our pets, our best friends. we know the pain you are going thru. please come back and write whenever you need to. we are here for you. you are not alone.

you are in my thoughts and prayers.
patricia

I am so sorry for your loss Trevor, what an absolutely dreadful time you've all been through. If only we cld see in to the future, hey?...but that isn't so....don't let the guilt rob you of your love for Keesha. The wonderful thing bout our fur companions is they love us no matter what. It's us that are left behind who have a lot to go thru to process the events. You did the best with the knowledge you had @ the time & that is all we can humanly do, though often it just doesn't seem enough, but in reality it is.
Making these life & death decisions in what seems like a blink is never ever easy & being so far away you did a most beautiful thing to let you Keesha go peacefully so she didn't suffer, even though you are suffering you did the right thing.
When my dog Buddy was put to sleep I had a lot of those 'why didn't I know' how sick he was.....blah...blah...thoughts....takes up to much energy to think like that, put your energy into processing the loss of your beloved Keesha and remembering the good times.
I'm glad you hve been able to share your story it's the start of processing all these emotions....which is not the sort of ride we volunteer for.
Go gently & keep sharing here with us.
elaine

i am also so sorry.

Patricia, Petmum and gailie, thanks for your replies and support it is greatly appreciated. I think what bothers me the most is this all happened so fast. There was no time to prepare for it. On Sunday I'm taking Keesh for her daily walk and we play outside some.....no signs whatsoever that she was actually in the process of dying from bone cancer.....then three days later she's gone. That first week was the worst week of my life. The pain has subsided somewhat but I still miss her so much and still think about her all the time.

I just feel so guilty for not being there with her at the end and not being able to kiss her good-bye. Maybe things do happen for a reason as the oppurtunity arose for us to get an eight week old siberian husky. I felt guilty getting her so quickly but I've told Keesha that I'm not replacing her but giving another pup a good home with lots of love.....i just had to fill the void somehow as it is just so quiet and odd around the house without our girl....everything we do reminds us of her! I talk to Keesh every day....I just hope she can hear me and God willing I hope to see her one day again...believing I will see her again is the only thing keeping me going at this point. I knew it would be hard losing her but until it actually happens you just don't know how much it hurts.

Thats so true Trevor until you go thru it, you just don't realise the impact our fur companions loss will hve, I'm glad you've got your little one, what's her name.
I know that void so well, when our companions aren't there. I applaud you for being able to open your heart whilst still in such grief, it say's a lot about the sort of person you are, well done!!
We also hve a new dog, Jesse James. I was also suprised by how fast he came into our lives after the loss of Buddy, I really didn't think I'de be able to to hve another dog so soon, but that aching void for my Buddy was just too much.
Yes we will be reunited with all those that hve gone b4 us, I believe this too.
elaine

So sorry about the loss of Buddy....what kind of dog was he? Congrats on the addition of Jesse James.....cool name! What kind of dog is he? We named our new one Maya...she's adoreable and I love her tons already. Like I said I felt guilty getting her so soon as it was only about 2 and a half weeks after Keesha's death but I think she would want us to love another one like we loved her. Did you feel guilty or disloyal getting another one so quickly?

Jesse James is allowed inside & Buddy wasn't (guilt! guilt!). He is a 3.5yrs old golden retriever from the animal shelter, he was surrended.
Buddy was a border collie x labrador, just the best dog.....so loyal....so everything......he was 14yrs when died.....It was bout 4 weeks I think after Buddy died that Jesse James came to us. I was finally able to look @ pics of dogs & the nxt thing I know I'm driving for an hour to meet a dog!!!! Then back on the following w/e with the family to see if he liked us........
Everywhere I looked all I cld see where ppl walking their dogs and I was so sad cos I couldn't do that anymore.
I can honestly say I didn't think I would ever be able to bring myself to love another dog after Buddy.....but I read on here somewhere bout not closing ya heart up just cos you are in pain, keep your loving heart open & that's exactly what I did & well the rest is as I've described.
I thought that ppl wld think I was heartless in getting another dog after Buddy & that it wld be disrepectful to Buddy's memory if another dog came in to our lives, but it's been a good thing & I'm glad I kept my heart & mind open.
I love the name Maya I think it's very appropriate.
Aren't you glad you kept an open heart?
elaine

I would like to add my voice to the others here about being so sorry for your loss of Keesha. It is never easy to let them go but you can have some comfort in that she did not suffer at the end. I think that you handled things the best way possible under the circumstances. Waking her up would have been better for you but harder on her so you did what was best for her.

We always got another cat when we lost one to old age or disease. I look at it like you do in that we are not trying to replace anyone who is gone. We are giving a good life to a new family member. Each furkid is so different that there is no way you could replace one who is gone. They are all special in their own way and we accept that the loss will always be there but we can rejoice in the new life we are bringing home with us. It is in memory of those who are gone that a new furkid is given a chance at having a good life. I believe that our departed ones would approve.

Take care,
Ken Albin

Thanks Ken, I appreciate it. You're right I can take some comfort knowing she didn't suffer at the end and waking her back up just so I could say good-bye to her would have been selfish on my part. I'm coming to grips with that but it still really bothers me that after 13 years together I was unable to say good-bye to her.....I think its a lack of closure. I didn't actually see her stop breathing so in the back of my mind its like she's still alive if that makes any sense. She was cremated and I have her ashes in an urn in our living room and I talk to her everyday but its still very difficult excepting the fact that she's gone.

Buddy sounds like a beautiful dog...hopefully him and Keesha are playing together now:) Its really great you adopted Jesse James from the shelter...I'm sure he'll be a great dog and you'll give him a great home. I know what you mean as far as seeing people walk their dogs and it being hard.....I would be sitting in the living room lokking out the window and seeing people contantly walking by with their dogs and me thinking that should be Keesha and I.....and of course i'd start balling. When we took Maya for a walk the first few times it was hard as well because all I could think was this should be Keesha i'm walking....I had to work really hard in changing my mindset because it certainly wasn't fair to Maya to be thinking that way...I still think it occasionally but I'm getting much better. Thanks Elaine, Trevor

Hi Trevor.

So very sorry for your loss.

I know you feel guilty for not saying goodbye, don't. Would you have said goodbye? When we had to put our Hunny down April 4th (also from cancer) I didn't say goodbye - just "see you later". I don't know if there is anything after this life, but I sure hope so and I sure hope to see my little angel again someday. Saying goodbye just felt like it would be so final. We also lost Lily last June suddenly and so unexpectedly. That was totally devastating. We didn't get to say our last farewells either so I know how you feel. But I know in my heart that she knew just how much we loved her. We found out just days after losing Lily that Hunny had cancer. She had two toes amputated in hope of saving her life. But unfortunately, we had to make that dreadful decision to let her be with Lily April 4th. She was on painkillers for the last month. I've watched a dog die from cancer and it is not anything I would want anyone, let alone a dog go through. They don't understand what is happening to them and they are scared. So we let Hunny go. I will always wonder if we did it at the right time. Could we have waited longer? Probably, but the tumour was wide open on her foot again and others were popping up. Maybe letting them go the way you did is better. I don't know - all I know is it hurts whatever way it happens. And we all move forward with some guilt. We just have to learn to live with it and believe that we did the right thing. I've heard of people with cancer wishing that they could end their pain and suffering. I just couldn't bear to let Hunny go through that. I miss her - and Lily with every beat of my heart, but I choose to believe they are together again.

Keesha knew she was loved and she had a good long life. Both of mine were only eight. Not young, but not old. I feel that I was ripped off - they should have lived years longer! Probably not the nicest thing to say to someone who is mourning, and I'm sorry, but that's how I feel. I miss them both so much. Cancer is just such a horrible disease. It robs us of our happiness.

Let the guilt go. She knew you loved her - why else would you have taken her to the vet? We too had a final long one hour drive - one way with Hunny. But maybe it's they who are in a better place - we get stuck here missing them and longing for them.

Once again, I'm so sorry. And I'm sorry to ramble on - my pain is still pretty fresh. I don't cry as much as I did when Hunny was alive. We knew since last summer that her days were coming to an end and believe me that is just so hard. Knowing that you will have to make that final decision soon - it's heart wrenching. But you do live each day to the fullest. It doesn't make the ending any easier though.

Just take it one day at a time - that is all we can do.

Take care.

Lynette.

Cancer! I lost my Peekaboo to it too. It's not fair. So sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You know, I really think you did what was best for Keesha. Yes, you could have had them let her wake up and wait for you to drive there to say good-bye - but would that have been best for her? She probably would have been scared and in pain. You spared her that. Sometimes loving our babies means making hard choices and putting their needs before our own, and I think you did that. It hurts you that you didn't get to say good-bye, but it was probably best for her.

Magdalene

Your comment Tevor "I didn't actually see her stop breathing so in the back of my mind its like she's still alive if that makes any sense.", I was with my Buddy when he stopped breathing & I still wondered if it was all a mistake & he was still alive, even after the vet checked that his heart had stopped & told me, I was right in the room & I still couldn't believe it.
Darn hard stuff to process that's for sure.
I'm glad you've got Maya she sounds very sweet.
elaine

Its hard to process for sure.....whether you're there or not. Its just emotionally draining. I still would have prefered to be there with her but under the circumstances it wouldn't have been in Keesha's best interest. Maybe being there and seeing her actually stop breathing and leaving me would have been even worse....unfortunately I'll never know.

Thanks Magdalene I appreciate it. I agree it wouldn't have been right to wake her up just so i could see her one last time and make her go through all the trauma.....it does comfort me some to know she went peacefully:)

Sorry about your Peekaboo...cancer is an awful disease and its unfortunate that it seems to be taking so many dogs lives prematurely.

Thanks Lynette I really appreciated your post. I'm so sorry about Hunny and Lily....and to lose them at such a young age had to have been awful. I'm thankful I had Keesha for 13 years although i still feel I got cheated as well. Its awesome that you didn't say goodbye but "see you later"...that's an excellent way of looking at it. I have been praying a lot since Keesha's death and I believe God is telling me I will see my girl again one day. I have to believe that....its the only thing keeping me going these days. At times I still wish I would have had them amputate her leg and allow me to bring her home and live out her life with us...even though it would be short and probably painful. I think she might have preferred to be in pain but with us than in no pain and far away from us....its very difficult processing everything. Deep down I know we did the right thing but I just miss so bad as you do with Hunny and Lily. Take care and hang in there.

Hi Keesha,

Its 5 weeks today(almost to the minute) when you left us for a better place. It sure doesn't seem like its been that long. It seems like it was just yesterday I had to make that gut wrenching decision to let you go be with God. When you died that day a part of me did as well.

Knowing you-you probably would have prefered we bring you home with one less leg and in pain so you could be with us for a few more months. As much as I would have liked to do that I couldn't put you through the suffering that would have inevitably took place. I just couldn't put you through that. I just couldn't allow cancer to destroy my baby girl in front of my eyes. I had to let you go where you will never suffer again....I'm sorry! As painful as it is now I would do it all over again....you gave me 13 great years and I thank you for that.

I've shed more tears the last 5 weeks than I have my entire life. Just goes to show what you meant to me Keesh.I'm so sorry I wasn't with you at the end and didn't get a chance to say good-bye-or see you later-(thanks Lynette). That will stay with me the rest of my life. I just hope you weren't scared and wondering where your family was the last 16 hours of your life.

I would do anything to be able to take you for one last walk and drive in the truck--the two things you loved doing the most. Its just not the same doing those things without you. We have a new puppy now named Maya....you would really like her.....I hope you aren't mad at us for getting another pet so quickly and I hope you'd be happy we are giving another dog a loving home like we gave you. She's not replacing you because you are irreplaceable she's filling a void you left. She reminds me of you in so many ways!

Its just not the same around here without you but I believe you are pain-free once again and happy and playing with other animals. I truly believe we will be re-united one day and that will be the happiest day of my life. I love you and miss you Keesh.

Your bestfriend forever, Trevor