Oh my. Help. I can barely type this through my tears.

**Warning: This post has the terrible details of my Britney's death, so if you're already sad about your own loss, you may not want to read it. It might, however, make you feel better because I believe my husband and I are responsible for her death, whereas the majority of people here probably aren't responsible for their pets' deaths.**

Our sweet and obliging 8-yr-old greyhound, Britney Boopers, died yesterday after a 1 hour walk. We're pretty sure she had heat stroke because we measured her body temp at over 106 after she died. We spoke to our vet on the phone, and he thought it was either heat stroke or a heart attack, or both because of how sudden it was.

We went for a walk we had done many times before around a pond in our area. She seemed fine....nothing at all out of the ordinary....just heavy panting which she has always done on longer walks, even in cool weather. But there were no other signs of heat stroke like dizziness, lying down, vomiting, diarrhea, etc. It was 85 degrees with a warmish and sometimes cool breeze, so we weren't concerned about the heat especially since we had gone out and done the same walk in the past in hotter weather and at the same slow pace. It wasn't humid. We took several breaks in the shade and a long water break where we poured water on her back and stomach to make sure she was cool. She seemed totally fine, even running ahead of us to the end of her leash.

So, what happened? About 50 meters from the end of our walk, her right hind leg looked wobbly. We stopped and checked for thorns. Nothing. After I put her paw down, she just collapsed on the grass and wouldn't get up. When she finally did stand after much coaxing, she was wobbly. My husband picked her up and we ran to the truck, cranked up the A/C and doused her with water. We didn't know what was happening, thinking she had a heart attack or stroke.

My husband drove as fast as he could to get us home. Of course, we didn't have our cell phones. STUPID! Not that that would have helped because it would have taken the vet another 30 minutes to come in anyway, and she would have been long gone. But still, it was a stupid move on our part to not have our cell phones. So, I sat with her in the back of the truck trying to comfort her and pouring water on her body. But, she just lay there. Her breathing got slower and more labored and her tongue turned purple. We stopped at the fire station across from our house, thinking they could help, but the doors were all locked and noone heard us banging and screaming.

My husband (a physician) put her on the grass by the fire station entry and performed mouth-to-mouth on her, but it was too late. He felt her heart go into tachycardia and then she died. He kept doing mouth-to-mouth and chest compressions to no avail. Finally, a fireman did come out and he went back in to get an air pumper thing. A few minutes of that did nothing, though. Britney was dead.

I pray for God to forgive us for killing her. I hope she forgives her stupid humans for killing her. Oh help!

I feel so guilty and stupid. At the same time, I know we couldn't have saved her because her symptoms came on just before she died. She looked and acted so normal!!!! What could we have done???? We should never have gone on that walk!!!!!!! Maybe we could have saved her if we had dunked her in the pond. But that didn't occur to us then b/c we thought she had a stroke.

I keep calling out her name. I found a few paw prints in the carpet and places where she scratched and am trying to preserve them. I can't stop smelling her blanket. I keep apologizing to her dead body for our ignorance. I wish we could rewind the day and that we had never taken that one last walk.

I'm a mess. I keep playing this game of blame, no blame, turn back the clock, get on with it she's gone, she's in heaven, where is she, why is it so quiet, why did we go on that walk, what an ignorant and stupid dog owner you were, how could you have known. I need your help! How do I deal with this?

you take it minute by minute. take a slow deep breathe. you will get thru this.
you are going thru the normal grieving process that we all do; the whatifs, the guilt, the sadness, the pain all rolled up into one. im so very sorry for the loss of your wonderful britney. be kind to yourselves. this was not your fault. these tragic events unfortunately, happen. your husbands a physician, he can tell you the same thing. i think it hits us harder because our wonderful furry companions cannot tell us when they dont feel well. you dont need forgiveness from our heavenly father. you both gave britney a wonderful life. you know, its so much easier to blame ourselves than to realize that maybe it was britneys time to go. please be good to yourself. i like to believe that britney is now sitting next to her maker and she is looking down at both of you while our god has her arm around her, welcoming her back home.
she is your new angel and doesnt want you to beat yourself up for something that was out of your control. hold on to her blanket. i know i held on to my little freds toys after he left. i still have them as i built a little memorial for him. maybe you can do the same. although it doesnt take the pain away it does help a little. the thing that helped me the most was coming here and writing. the grief was unbearable and all i could do was write about it and some amazing people lifted me up. its still very hard! i have good days and i have horrible days but i could only get to where i am now with the help of everyone here. you are not alone.
you are in my thoughts and prayers.
patricia

STOP. For whatever happened, it happened. You will get nothing by going over and over what happened. Blame is a killer, a robber and a liar. You can't say for absolute certainty what actually happened, if you were responsible or not and you can't look ahead if you're looking back.

Pet reincarnation. I know for a fact that it is possible because it has happened to me. Numerous times. At first I had hoped it would be possible but it has been proven to me(and others) over and over again.

I know I posted this in reply to another but I hope it will be accepted to post it again here:


.
Dr. Goldstein has had a holistic veterinary practise in New York for over forty years and says that his pets have repeatedly reincarnated back to him. He talks about each instance in his book The Nature of Animal Healing, pages 297-298(starting at the fifth paragraph), 310-312(starting at the second paragraph down at the bottom of the page), and 314-317( starting at the new paragraph at the bottom of the page). He says not only has it happened for him but it has also happened for numerous clients. He wrote something to the effect that when one of his clients comes up to him with a certain look in their eye he just knows what they're going to say- that their pet reincarnated back to them. He actually was very well heeled in the medical system and was very skeptical that such things could happen until it happened repeatedly to him and his wife, then to his clients.

This also makes for some very easy and informative listening:


http://www.blogtalkradio.com/BrentAtwater/...et-reincarnated



Brent Atwater is a credible medical intuitive for both people and animals. As well, she has
various other talents and gifts. If you go to this link and scroll down, she tells about
the reincarnation of her dog back to her. She also talks about it on two blogradio
shows found on that same link. Go to to the link, to the centre right is a blue box. Wait until
the box fills with rectangular strips that list her programs.

There are two programs:

Q & A's Pet Past Lives and Pet Reincarnation

Pet Past Lives and Pet Reincarnation (which is right below)


Click on the one you want. Click on Play. Wait for it to buffer and listen to the program.

Note: if the program won't load. Enter Brent Atwater in the Search box on the site, her links will
come up, find the above links and click on them.


If you listen to the above two programs you will hear that pet reincarnation has happened to other people. People who knew nothing about the possibility of it happening. It can happen within several hours, days, weeks, months, and yes, sometimes it may take several years. If you listen to the two programs you will learn how that happens. The Universe, God, whatever you want to call it, honours the wishes of both the caregiver and the pet, as to whether the pet will reincarnate or not.

You are draining your energies by blaming yourself. I don't know if your dog will reincarnate back to you or not. All I can say is start looking. Start looking for her return to you now. Keep the faith. Look ahead hopefully. You will know when it happens. It will hit you right down to the core of your soul.

(PS. You may also wish to contact a reputable pet psychic communicator. Nedda Whittels is excellent, so is Anita Curtis.Don't pick any off a help-line).

awwww.... i am SO sorry. when death happens that fast, it's hard for our minds to comprehend it. we go into shock at what just transpired. many dogs survive in hot weather, so maybe she had some underlying condition?

please..... don't beat yourself up over this. you did all you could to save her at the time. there's nothing more you could have done.

how do you deal with it? well, it's hard. very hard. just take one day at a time.. an hour at a time. tell yourself you did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time. you loved your dog and would never do anything to harm her.

this will be a very difficult time for you. maybe look at all her pics and see the good times in her life. my dog just died too at 8 yrs old, and that is most definitely NOT enough time to have with them.

god bless and it will get better. hang in there. you've been through a horrible experience. ((hug))

PS:
patricia is right.
everything she said makes alot of sense.

Patricia and Jjai, thanks so much for responding. I am trying to take your advice to heart. I keep beating myself up. The GUILT. You are right, though. I can wallow in guilt the rest of my life if I choose to. It's a choice I must make to crawl out of this.

We are burying her in a few hours. I am actually grateful that her body has been with us since she passed almost 24 hours ago. Man, I can't believe it's been 24 hours. Today, her body looks and feels simply like a cold body....at least more than it did yesterday.....and not like our little Boopers. It has helped me realize that her spirit lives on. Yesterday, I couldn't separate her body from her real being as easily. I imagine her looking down and wanting to give me a butt boop with her nose.

I am going to call her name some more. I know she won't come, but a part of me imagines her running in from her "den."

I hope burying her will help me deal with reality a little better.

Gailie, thank you for the hug. I feel it.

Start listening to the two blog radio programs, read the pages of Dr. Goldstein's book as mentioned, then
decide what you want your reality to be. At least then you will be a little more informed when you make your choice.

as you lay britney to rest know that we are all there for you in spirit. myself and my little best friend lucy ( (my new puppy) from california) send you big big bear hugs. visit the gravesite often and talk to britney. she will hear you.

you are in my thoughts and prayers.
patricia

Britany's mum.....breathe out........then breathe in......breathe out......
I wish I cld be there for you. It is awful when this suddenly happens.....I think it was wonderful your husband tried to resus. her, what a hero...lots of ppl wouldn't hve bothered.....I just posted some similar thoughts a moment ago....we are only human & for the most part cannot see in to the future....you did what you did....it can never not happen....you can hounour your beloved Brittany by knowing that she loved & still does love you for everthing you did & for everything your tried to do to save her.
Unconditional love is something only our fur companions can offer us in it's truest & purest form...your Brittany loves you. She wld'nt want to be causing you pain.....
it is just so early on in your loss....you hve progressed by being able to write here & share with us....a very positive sign that you are starting to work thru your grief....
The only piece of advice "toss out the guilt" it takes up to much energy, use what little emotional energy you have (& I'm sure it doesn't feel like much @ all) in being thankful for Britany's life with you.....
Go gently
elaine

just thought i'd give you another ((hug)) because i know how heartbreaking it is to lose a dog we have loved so much. mine's been gone 2 weeks today, and there's a big void without her. i keep picturing her walking in the room and smiling, or sleeping in her bed.

pick an outlet for your grief, whether it be collecting pics, writing, or just sitting and crying. like i said, it's a very sad time for you right now.

we're here for you.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Please know that you did not cause Britney's death. I think we all, at one time or another, have questioned how we could have prevented our babies from dying and have tortured ourselves with the what-ifs, beating ourselves up over what we could have done differently in the moments leading up to the end. I can completely understand the heart ache you feel right now, but please know that Britney does not blame you. She has nothing but love for you for giving her a wonderful life, and if you are open to receiving signs from her, I believe she will find a way to show you that.

(((HUGS))) to you.

PLEASE PARDON ALL CAP LETTERS. I'M TYPING WITH ONE HAND SO IS EASIER FOR ME. THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING ...

DEAREST BRITNEYSMOM, I'M SO TERRIBLY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS AND THAT I DIDN'T GET HERE SOONER. MY DEEPEST AND MOST SINCERE CONDOLENCES. I DID READ YOUR ENTIRE POST AND CAN ASSURE YOU THAT YOU'RE IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR BRITNEY BOOPER'S DEATH. PLEASE ALLOW ME TO TELL YOU A BIT ABOUT MYSELF SO YOU'LL KNOW THAT I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE ...

I'VE SERVED IN ANIMAL RESCUE AND REHABILITATION FOR ABOUT 30 YEARS AS WELL AS BEING A RETIRED NURSE AFTER ALMOST 27 YEARS OF SERVICE IN THE HUMAN MEDICAL FIELD. IN THE YEAR 1987, I MADE GREYHOUND RESCUE MY PRIORITY AND KEPT TWO GREYHOUNDS AS PETS: FIRST MAIDEN (FEMALE) THEN TRADER (MALE) AFTER MAIDEN PASSED AWAY. THERE ARE VETERINARIANS THAT SUB-SPECIALIZE IN GREYHOUNDS.

THEY CAN TAKE THE HEAT BUT WILL STOP WALKING OR RUNNING IN ORDER TO REST. WHAT I JUST STATED DOES NOT APPLY TO THOSE AT THE RACETRACK WHEN ... WE DON'T NEED TO GO THERE SO I'LL CONTINUE ABOUT BRITNEY. AS AN INTERJECTION, 85 DEGREES WITH A WARMISH TO COOL BREEZE IS VERY PLEASANT FOR A GREYHOUND THAT HAS NO CONTRAINDICATIONS DUE TO PAST OR PRESENT MEDICAL HISTORY. SHE WOULD HAVE PRESENTED WITH SYMPTOMS MUCH EARLIER AS IN DAYS, WEEKS OR MONTHS. YOU'D HAVE NOTICED THAT FOR SURE AND GOTTEN HER THE MEDICAL ATTENTION SHE REQUIRED. ALSO, IT IS OBVIOUS THAT YOU WERE NOT PUSHING HER TO CLOCK A 41 MILE PER HOUR RACE TO THE FINISH LINE. ON THE CONTRARY, IT WAS A LEISURELY ROMP AND GREYHOUNDS DO LOVE TO RUN ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY SEE ANY CRITTER THAT'S MOVING. IF THEY DO CATCH UP TO A RUNNING CAT, SQUIRREL OR BUNNY AND THAT CRITTER STOPS AND STAYS VERY STILL, YOUR GREYHOUND WILL LOSE INTEREST AND WALK AWAY. THAT'S THEIR NATURE AS SIGHT HOUNDS. NOW, IN YOUR WORDS YOU SAID ...


THERE WERE NO SIGNS OF DISTRESS AS YOU DESCRIBED AND SHE SEEMED FINE. YOU TOOK MANY BREAKS IN THE SHADE AND POURED WATER OVER HER. THERE WAS A POND VERY CLOSE AND BELIEVE ME, IF SHE FELT HOT, SHE WOULDN'T HESITATE TO JUMP IN. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK ME HOW I KNOW THIS IS TRUE.

YOUR FUR KID WAS FEELING SO FRISKY THAT SHE WAS EVEN RUNNING AHEAD OF YOU TO THE END OF HER LEASH. YOU DIDN'T MENTION BUT I SUSPECT IT WAS AN EXTENDER RECOIL LEASH, HOWEVER THE KIND OF LEASH AND COLLAR DO NOT FACTOR INTO WHAT HAPPENED. SUDDENLY, HER RIGHT HIND LEG GOT WOBBLY THEN WITHIN A SURPRISINGLY SHORT PERIOD OF TIME, SHE COLLAPSED AND WAS UNABLE TO GET UP. I CAN TELL YOU A FEW THINGS THAT MAY HAVE CAUSED THAT EPISODE, HOWEVER NONE OF OUR "BEST GUESSES" CAN BE CONFIRMED UNLESS A NECROPSY (SAME AS AUTOPSY) WAS PERFORMED TO DETERMINE WHAT ACTUALLY CAUSED YOUR FUR BABY'S DEATH. SO TRAGIC AND I CAN BARELY SEE MY PC MONITOR AS MY TEARS ... I'M SO VERY SORRY! I'M TAKING A BREATH ...

THE REASON I EXPLAINED EVERYTHING THUS FAR IN THE MANNER I DID IS THAT YOU SOUND LIKE YOU REALLY NEED, NEED, NEED TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU AND/OR YOUR HUSBAND WERE IN ANY WAY RESPONSIBLE ... AND THE ANSWER IS NO. ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY NO. HER AGE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE PLAYED A PART BY EXACERBATING WHAT DID CAUSE YOUR PRECIOUS BRITNEY TO SUDDENLY PASS AWAY AND IN THE MANNER THAT SHE DID. THE NORMAL LIFE SPAN EXPECTANCY FOR A GREYHOUND IS AROUND NINE YEARS. SOME LIVE AS SONG AS TWELVE YEARS. THIS DOES NOT INCLUDE RACERS WHO USUALLY DO NOT MAKE IT PAST SEVEN YEARS.

AGAIN, I CAN ASSURE YOU WITH UTMOST CERTAINTY THAT NEITHER YOU NOR YOUR HUSBAND DID ANYTHING ADVERSE IN THE LEAST TAKING YOUR SUBJECTIVE DESCRIPTION OF THE FACTS INTO VERY THOUGHTFUL CONSIDERATION. OH, I AM SO VERY, VERY SORRY THIS HAPPENED! MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND.

PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU, YOUR HUBBY AND SWEET BRITTANY ARE IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS AS I WING MANY LOVING ANGELS TO SOOTHE AND GENTLY GUIDE YOU THROUGH THIS GOSH AWFUL DIFFICULT TIME.

THIS CANDLE AND ROSES ARE FOR BRITNEY. HER BEAUTIFUL SOUL'S FLAME WILL BURN BRIGHTLY FOR ALL ETERNITY!!!



MANY COMFORTING HUGS AND I WISH YOU PEACE!!!

ALWAYS,
DOTTIE xoxoxox

EDITING: I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO MENTION THAT THE MOST COMMON CAUSE OF DEATH IN GREYHOUNDS IS CANCER WHICH PRACTICALLY ALWAYS PRESENTS IN ONE OF THEIR FRONT HAUNCHES (HIPS). I FELT YOU'D BE INTERESTED IN KNOWING THAT. WHEN I RESCUED MAIDEN, SHE WAS SIX YEARS OLD ACCORDING TO THE TATTOO IN HER EAR. THE VET WAS AMAZED THAT SHE REACHED 13 YEARS OLD AND EVEN MORE AMAZED THAT SHE PRESENTED WITH (FATAL) CANCER IN HER LOWER JAW. SHE (THE VET) HAD NEVER, EVER SEEN A GREYHOUND WHO GOT CANCER IN THE JAW AND SHE TREATED MOSTLY GREYHOUNDS. LOTS AND LOTS OF THEM.

OH, BUT MAIDEN HAD BEEN A CHAMPION RACER, VERY MUSCULAR UNLIKE MOST GREYHOUNDS I KNOW. AND, SHE WAS LARGER IN HEIGHT, WIDTH AND LENGTH THAN MOST GREYHOUNDS. MY GUESS IS THAT THE TRACK TRAINER(S) ASSIGNED TO HER KNEW IT WAS IN THEIR BEST INTEREST TO KEEP HER FIT AND THAT'S MOST LIKELY WHAT SAVED HER LIFE. I WON'T SAY WHERE, HOW OR IN WHAT CONDITION THAT MAIDEN AND A BUNCH OF OTHER RACERS WERE DISCOVERED. IT IS COMFORTING TO KNOW THAT SHE WAS SO VERY LOVED AND PAMPERED FOR THE SECOND HALF OF HER LIFE. I STILL MISS HER SO MUCH. KISSES TO MAIDEN.

ON THE OTHER HAND, MY LATE HUSBAND AND I ADOPTED TRADER AT THE AGE OF AROUND TWO AND A HALF TO THREE YEARS OLD AND HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY ISSUES LIKE POOR SHELL SHOCKED MAIDEN. TRADER DID DIE AT AGE NINE FROM CANCER IN ONE OF HIS FRONT HAUNCHES. GOD REST THEIR SWEET SOULS AND KISSES TO THEM BOTH.

Patricia, those bear hugs are the best. You know I've never used a forum like this, but I can really FEEL your gentle but firm support and hugs. It means so much to me. Thank you so much for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I have a feeling it's doing something. In fact, I know it's doing something. I'm posting a more general response to everyone here later below explaining the huge weight that's been lifted off of me due to the support I've received here and elsewhere from wonderful people like you.

Go gently......Oh, Elaine, you are so wise. This is a lesson I've needed to learn all my life. Do I sound like I'm hard on myself? Guess what, I used to always be hard on myself for everything. Clearly, the lesson hasn't fully taken, but I've sure come a long way.
Thank you so much for your encouraging and kind words and helping me reset my thinking. You are right, Britney wouldn't want me to wail and weep forever and blame myself. She'd say, "Come on. Get over it. Let's go chase rabbits!"

Gailie, I am taking your advice and starting a Britney photo book. It does help to remind me of all the good times, and show me that, yes, her life was good with us and, yes, we were good doggie parents. Thank you! And.....I hug you back.

Keep the hugs coming, Jess! I am surrounded by them! I feel them coming thru the computer!
Thanks to you and the other posters I am slowly but surely realizing that this was not in my control and that I (we) did the best we could under the circumstances. How arrogant of me to think I could control everything in my life (more on that in my post below).

OH DOTTIE!! I AM SO GLAD YOU POSTED!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am sorry to make you feel sad. Your tears intermingled with mine to rain on Britney's grave and grow the wide-blade sweet grass she liked to chew on.

As a greyhound lover, you know what I am going through. So sweet. SO SWEET. She was a sweet, frisky, freaky, mellow, wild, lady-like, flatulent, sweet-smelling, bull in a china shop! Boy, could she play and romp! Man, could she sleep! I can hear her teeth chattering right now!

Ex-racers don't make it past 7 years???????? What have I been reading? I had it stuck in head that Britney would probably live to 12! What?????

She is an ex-racer. I remember how skinny, stinky, full of dandruff, and AFRAID she was when we brought her home.

Regarding her leash, it was just a regular one. I think it was 6 feet long. She normally stays pretty close to us, but every now and then would kind of gallop ahead to the end of it.

So, I am curious.....what do you think caused this???? It was just all SO SUDDEN. I mean, I watched her die before my eyes in a span of about 20 minutes. I am at a loss. We decided against a necropsy because our vet (not a board-certified examiner) said his guess was either heart attack or heat stroke. When we took her body temp, though, it was 106! So, wouldn't that be heat stroke? Heat stroke with a sudden onset leading to death?

Hi, Everyone. I just wanted to make a general post to THANK EVERYONE here for the immense, immense help you have all given me.

The woman typing this now and the woman who started this thread are so different, we even look different. Nearly gone is the puffiness from my eyes, gone is the headache from crying. My internal fortitude is back. I can now think and talk about my Boopers without falling apart at the seams.

This is all because of you guys here. I read, re-read, and re-read your posts. I also spoke with a good friend of mine who gave me the same sage advice to knock off the self-blame game. I also drew incredible strength from my husband, who summoned the will and strength to go to work and perform several surgeries today. I don't know how he did it. He didn't have the luxury of grieving all day today in private like me, and I hope he will get to do that later this week.

After wailing, throwing myself on the floor like a baby, calling out Britney's name, watching Animal Planet dog shows, repeatedly visiting Britney's dead body, reading your posts, and wailing some more until my contacts clouded up, a cloud suddenly lifted. It was gone. Just like that. It happened after I read these posts, spoke to my friend and husband, and got the news that we could bury her today.

It was amazing. But, I think I was able to process enough of my bad feelings and let go of enough guilt to say goodbye to the Boopers.

We buried her this evening, approximately 24 hrs after she passed. The cemetery is probably 2 miles away, so we can visit her easily. I had never visited it before, but was surprised and RELIEVED to see that it's lovely. Britney is on a little hill that overlooks some fields where some horses romp and play. There's plenty of tall grass for her to hunt around. There are LOTS of squirrels. I imagine her little doggie spirit playing all day there and resting under the shade of the trees.

We were able to actually shovel the dirt on her, which was important to me. I didn't want to just see her body laid in the ground and then leave. Thankfully, the landowner made an exception and allowed us to cover her with it.

The sense of lightness I feel is incredible. I was so burdened down and heavy....and stuck in a hole of self-pity and blame. I feel that I've climbed out of it. I'm still on the edge, though, and looking in. I still cry when I read posts here.....but so much of the blame game is over. My husband and I spent the evening remembering Britney's quirks, funny looks, love, and richness she brought into our lives.

So, what I am trying to say after all of this is [font="Arial Black"][/font][size="3"][/size]THANK YOU!!!! I wouldn't be feeling so much better if it hadn't been for all of you!

WOW!!!! Britenysmom it can happen like that with the cloud so to speak lifting, it has lifted & will never be the same, though watch out for some of those other pesky little emotions that may show up, that's ok to feel down, though to me it certainly sounds like you hve processed a heap of your grief & I can so sense your relief, I am glad for you.
I had to consciously remember to breathe just like i said in my other post, we just don't realise just how tensed up we are.......I am so please for you.
I am glad you were able to come here and share with us, it truly is an amazing healing experience being able to post so openly & not feel alone.....
Please keep in touch to let us know how u r getting on.
{{{HUGS}}}
elaine

Oh no. Last night I thought I had climbed out of that hole, but I knew deep inside that it couldn't have been for good because the clouds lifted so quickly yesterday. I was sitting on the edge looking in, and I must have fallen back in last night. I'm clinging my fingertips trying to fight falling back in the well of blame and self pity. Someone throw me a rope!

I woke up this morning trying to blame myself again. I asked my husband to repeat to me over and over that it's not our fault, not our fault. He's having a MUCH easier time not getting sucked into the blame and questioning. Maybe it's personality differences. Maybe it's because he's had to deal with death at work (he's in the medical field and treats a lot of elderly and infirm).

I do wish now that we had figured out how to get an in-depth necropsy done. There's noone in our area that specializes in that sort of thing. I need to know. I need to know. I know that's a part of my personality. I've noticed this sort of obsessive need to know in myself before. I need to stop being so fact-based and start being more faith-based. Blame it on my former profession (law) or blame it on my personality, but I need to learn. Maybe this in one of the life lessons I am supposed to work on.

I have to drive 2 hours to a neighboring town today to pick up my wedding ring, which was being repaired. Oh, I dread that long drive!! I hope I can hold it together and not dwell. Crap.

It's a cloudy day for me.

You have all had such sage advice. Please teach me again.