Hi Jan,
LOVE the theme song! I clicked on the link and watched the whole video. Haaa haaaa That is GREAT!!! I don't think I had paid attention to the words before. Good song! It is perfect!

And yes- I know when my ex told me that it was supposed to be a "put down", but in the end it just ended up being a wonderful thing and made me so much stronger. I think deep down maybe they never truly want us to get "over them" so we when go on with our lives, they are like, "wait, what happened... I thought she was a small, helpless person.". Heeee heeeee Definitely NOT!!

And we are all so grateful to you for sharing your story and I am SURE you are helping others, like Beth posted about her friend. It helps to hear what other people go through, we are in this thing called life together!

I'm glad you are making YOU a priority. It's something we tend to forget (as women) I think. We are always so busy taking care of everyone else. I have to take a step back every once and a while and pay attention to me. It's so important!

Hope you are having a great day!
~R,Z,N Mom

Oh thank you Beth!

Tell her that it gets easier - those meetings. I felt physically nauseous the first couple of times being in the same room with x-h. But the last time I actually felt warmth inside and strength. (I also had hypnotherapy from someone I trust - that helped me quite a bit.) That strength is always there if she remembers it. By going along to support her you will help her a lot! It's a reminder that she really is not alone. I had support from friends and even my mom to go to those meetings. x-h also always brought sd, I guess as his emotional crutch. She never enjoyed those meetings but always wanted to be there with her dad. Now that there is no "competition" I think she'll attend less. Also, that song "Fighter" - it really has helped to remind me of who did what to who. x-h is crying and whining about not having his original house and that marrying me was the biggest mistake in his life... yadda yadda. Oh play me those violins - barf! He is so out of touch, he takes no responsibility for the fact that he is the creator of his own circumstances. It's almost beyond belief.

I have to think of him like a small child that really has no awareness. He is playing with poison and has no idea why it's hurting him. I have to see him that way because if he were even remotely aware of the pain and destruction he is causing, not just for me, but for sd and for himself, he could never do all that he's done. He has alienated so many people. He gives people the impression that the separation was mutual because I suppose admitting he left me might make him look bad. He has never been able to give an explanation for it other than - "it wasn't working for me" or "there was nothing to work on". He really can't take any responsibility for anything. He has turned out to be the exact opposite person to the person I thought I had married. I am still flabbergasted about how I could have believed he was nurturing and caring, protective of me and on a spiritual path. He is totally self absorbed, like a 3 year old, except not so honest. Despite all this I send him wishes for his higher good that he will open his eyes, see truth and admit truth. This is the only way he will ever progress. But in the meantime I know that communication with him is nonsensical because he is not honest and he is not aware. I keep things neutral and only deal with what I have to deal with. He is not safe for me to be around.

If your friend wants to email me, just pm me and I'll send my email address.

thanks Beth and I'm glad you are going with your friend to that meeting. It will be a step in the right direction.

Jan.

Hi N's Mom

Well it turns out I didn't know x-h, but it looks like he didn't know me very well either. I wonder even if that's why he bolted. I was just supposed to go along with everything, as his "Trophy Wife" (which is what he actually called me in front of some friends once when I wasn't there), and his playtoy that he got bored with. It's very easy to spout
"words of wisdom" but the proof is in the example. x-h's whining and blaming don't seem very spiritually evolved to me. I like that Fighter video because it shows the pain and difficulty of getting through this kind of betrayal from someone you trust, but also the determination and strength to transform it into something to learn and grow from.

I am looking forward to getting the separation agreement over with. I hope it has now stopped snowing so I can get a realtor to assess the house. It was snowing in the a.m. on Monday here, but it looks like it's pretty much melting now.

I am looking forward to starting a new chapter in my life. I do hope x-h comes to some sort of awareness at some point in his life. I know it's not my responsibility anymore, but if he continues on his path of destruction he will create so much pain and hardship for all those around him. So I do send him, and especially sd, healing. The world needs more awareness, compassion and love.

take care.

Jan.

Hi all.

I had a dream last night that I want to share. I have been asking for guidance, and my little Ziggy showed up in my dream - it was so great to see her! I really felt she was there with me and that really meant a lot to me. There was symbolism in this dream, still trying to figure it out.

I was holding Ziggy is my hands. She was just tiny, but she was purring and purring just the way she did with her big huge purr that was so loveable. I was thrilled to see her and telling everyone (I was apparently in a vet's office) "this is my Ziggy!" She was tinier than before but vibrant orange and she sat in the palm of my hands purring and purring. Gradually when I looked down she was a caterpiller, but still fuzzy and lovable. Then when I next looked in my palm I realized I couldn't show her to anyone anymore because she had turned into a maggot. I wasn't disturbed by this but I knew she wasn't really there anymore. I put it down on the table.

I believe our dreams give us spiritual messages and I'm not sure what that one is yet. Something to do with Ziggy's transition to death maybe, maggots represent death to me. It may sound like a disturbing dream but it really wasn't, I just realized Ziggy was no longer there at that point. The joy of seeing her and feeling her purring in my hands was wonderful.

If anyone wants a stab at dream &%^ysis, go for it! I'm having lots of them.

Jan.

Hi Jan, very interesting, here's what I found. Pherhaps not knowing what happened to Ziggy is "eating away at you".. Hmmm, just a thought. ..Ann

To see maggots in your dream, represent your anxieties about death. It may also be indicative of some issue or problem that you have been rejecting and it is now "eating away" at you . You need to confront it for it is destroying your sense of harmony and balance.

In particular, to dream that you are stepping on maggots, indicates guilt and impurity. You are trying to repress your immoral thoughts or behavior . On a positive note, it may symbolize your resilience, persistence, and your ability to bounce back from adversity

Hi Ann

I did read that interpretation, interestingly I had another dream where someone else was stepping on maggots - a woman. They stuck to her shoe and (in my dream) I told her and someone else (who in real life I have a lot of respect for) about the dream I had....

It could maybe relate to x-h's reaction from Ziggy's death. It was one of the triggers that seemed to set him off. He could in no way handle my grief. But the thing I keep thinking about the symbolism in my Ziggy dream, was that it seems almost the opposite to what a larvae does - to change to a caterpillar and then to a butterfly. It was like Ziggy's change was in reverse like a backwards transformation. I guess she wasn't able to stay long in my dream. Maybe it has to do with acceptance of physical change for me - which I've had to deal with in an incredibly dramatic way.... Also, I ask to be given answers to certain questions before I go to sleep. That night I asked if x-h's soul had anything to say to me. A few people have told me he is taking steps backwards. The timing of Ziggy's death was part of what started these backward steps (though probably something was there long before). But I still don't know if that's what the dream actually means.

My preferred explanation is that she is reincarnating and coming back to me! That's what I'd like to believe anyway.

Jan.

Hi Jan,

Your offer to talk to Tracy is more than kind of you. This is just another one of your kind gestures that reveal what a warm loving woman you are. Sometimes I feel a little inadequate to give her much advice because I've never been in the kind of situation you both have been forced to cope with.....and hope I never am. Spending time with her is the best I can do for now. Actually now she is much more mad than hurt. Her husband took $30,000 out of his retirement fund without talking to her about it first. She filed for a divorce last week.

I'm glad she has her doggylove, Poncho though. At least she is not completely alone in her home. Her husband actually has suggested in the past that Poncho was faking a problem with his back left leg. WHAT A JERK! That tells me all I need to know about him. Poncho looked around for Tony for a long time after he abandoned them. He seems now to have adjusted to Tony's absence.

I'll be seeing Tracy over the weekend and I'll let her know you have offered help for her. Again, your thoughtfulness for others shines through and through. Your X lost a fantastic catch when he let you go.

Huggers,
Beth

I believe our dreams from our beloved pets are so different than other dreams. They are vivid and when we hold them they seem so REAL. I think they are visiting from the spirit world. My take on it is that Ziggy was visiting you, and she was vibrant and tiny to let you know that she is healed, whole, and happy but could appear slightly different to you. This is one reason I think it was Ziggy. When you said she was vibrant, that's how my dreams of Ren and Zorro have been. Ren had these spots and all kinds of marks and bumps on him, and I saw them all CLEARLY in detail, every spot, mark, bump (he was a sphynx). My dreams are never like that. I also remember holding Zorro in a dream and I could feel him, feel the joy and the love. It was so real compared to other dreams. I think that is what you experienced, too.

Anyways, I think the fact that she changes to a caterpiller and then to a maggot, says to me that she may appear in different forms to you. That you may not always know that it is her, but she is there with you regardless, even when it may be something small that happens, it's still Ziggy's spirit coming through to you.

I think that is pretty profound. I think it just means that after they lose their physical body on earth, they can still appear to us as we knew them, but they also may appear to us other times that we don't recognize, but the message is that they are there, regardless, with us.

That's wonderful Jan!

~RZN's Mom

Hi Beth

I've pm'd you about talking to Tracy. Aw Beth, that makes me want to cry - thanks for that. Those kind of things are so important to hear when you've been through this. I guess x-h thinks it's not bothering me enough because he's tossing all sorts of nasty remarks around about marrying me being the "biggest mistake of his life." But someone pointed out to me that I get a huge gift from his decision. I have got to grow in a huge and rapid way - it was either shrivel up and die or transform. I chose to rise to the challenge. He is still acting like it's possible just to erase me from existence. But that will follow him around since he hasn't dealt with any of it. I just have to get the separation agreement underway then a new chapter will begin, actually a new book!

thanks so much for being there!

Jan.

Hi Nemo's Mom

Wow, that's a great interpretation. Yes, it's like they continue to exist even though we don't always sense their personalities. In my other Ziggy dream, she was vibrant orange too. She was tiny in my hands, and in real life she was a small cat. Her tininess was very endearing to me, so it's like she was showing me she can still be in a form I can recognize and even with enhancements. Maybe it really is about acceptance of the transitions - from larvae to caterpillar to butterfly, but then the butterfly eventually becomes larvae. So it's like she changed form, but just because I don't recognize her doesn't mean she isn't there. That's a comforting message. I found it intriguing that the "progression" was backwards - instead of larvae to caterpillar to Ziggy, it was the other way around. But perhaps this is death - just life in different forms.

I find these dreams very fascinating, and I do feel sure she was with me, and that there was also a deeper message for me.

Thanks for your thoughts - they make a lot of sense!

take care! I am going away this weekend. Yay!

bye for now.

Jan.

Just because he makes nasty remarks does not make them true. I've learned to blow off other people's ignornace. You only have control over your own behavior and any remarks you may make back. Taking the higher road leads to much more desirable places in life.

Thanks for your PM about Tracy. I did forward to her what you said. She and I went out for a very long walk tonight with another neighbor and all of our four legged friends. Great medicine for ALL of us! It's feels so good to feel Spring in the air and be able to get out and socialize more.

Take care and we'll talk soon.

Huggers,
Beth

Happy Friday to you Jan!! How was your weekend away? How are you doing?

~NM

My Zeus cat, the other one in the picture, next to Zita, is in emergency surgery this morning for a urinary blockage. It is apparently looking very serious and there could be kidney damage. He seemed fine up until last night when he threw up late evening. He ate his meals yesterday and he harrassed me for food like normal. I hadn't noticed that he'd stopped peeing or was having any difficulty, and the litter box has pee in it...

Please pray for my Zeusy.

Jan.

Hi Nemo's Mom

Sorry I missed your note. The weekend away was good despite all the new developments with my poor Zeus!

Will keep you up to date. I hope I can pick him up from the vet clinic Saturday. I can't visit him tomorrow because it's a holiday... so frustrating.

Hope you are well.

take care

Jan.

Dear Jan, I join you all in prayers and positive waves for Zeus, may he be already so much better and will come back to you in no time at all, all healed, that it be a good omen that the blockage(and isn't life blocking you from everywhere) will have been done with and that things will flow smoothly from now on.

Sometimes, life talks to us in the strangest of ways. I shall always remain impressed by people like you who won't let themselves be put down by opposition, it means they have a lot of strength, therefore all the power. Let me tell you the very real story of one farmer who was going through a tough series of hardship, everything wrong was happening to him and he and his wife were so discouraged, ready to give up.
"When affairs at the farm were at their lowest ebb, Michael and Dorothea took a walk into their fields. Michael had lost his will to fight and Dorothea was discouraged. It was at that moment, when both were absorbed in thought, that he was gored by one of his bulls. The horns that he had deliberately left on his cows gave him a huge gash and caused him to spend over one week in intensive care.
The bull that gored Michael Schmidt carried the most important message of all:that his only hope was to fight back."
http://www.realmilk.com/real-milk-canada.html
Don't give up sweet Jan, the reason why there is so much opposition is that you are gathering power. More power to you Jan and may your power already have healed Zeus. May you have succeeded in liberating your power and that things are as of now, back to normal. Take care and know we are rooting for you.

Wow, thanks Toonie. I do wonder if there is some sort of bigger shift in my life right now, and maybe in the lives of others, testing me to live fully with a spiritual focus or just die of despair. I have to say this recent incident with Zeus was so unexpected and I almost feel like I am in autopilot, or survival mode. I think Zeus will be okay, I really am praying he does not have any long term problems from this.

It's funny, but someone said to me yesterday that sometimes animals take on disease when things going on in families are toxic. I don't know if that's what happened to Zeus, I do know Zita had crystals too and had to eat special food, so the two were genetically inclined to crystals. I don't know that animals always take on our "stuff" but they are very sensitive.

I was doing a meditation on Monday night and saw a vivid picture of a white owl. I wonder now if that was a warning about Zeus since some people say the white owl is to do with death and transition. I thought that I saw in that vision was more to do with strength and wisdom. I don't want to be fearful, that never helps, but I really don't want to lose my Zeus either. I can't believe the losses of the past couple of years... Merlin, Tiffany, Zita, Ziggy, Rosie, Ellie... and what I thought was my family to boot. I think when you lose everything that you think is "yours", you do get closer to Spirit, God, whatever you want to call higher energy. It is how you survive.

Strangely since x-h left, I feel much less insecure than ever before about whether there is a "man" in my life. I thought I had that - a permanent partner who cared, and was protective of me. On the contrary I'm now finding myself protecting myself against him. So life is kind of an illusion based on what we believe at the moment.

I am pretty worn out though, finally spring is here and I am having a huge allergic reaction to the pollens - tired and sniffly all the time. I hope this too will pass as the components of my life become more gentle and my body doesn't need to be in "defense" mode.

Thank you also for the link you sent. Yes, people can be inspiring - what they do against all odds. That impresses me. It is so easy to get worn down and give up, but then what do we achieve...?

I do know that support is the best way to get through any crisis, and you, and all the others here at LS have helped me in ways that I can't even verbalize. It makes me cry.

So thanks for your thoughts Toonie and it means a lot to me that you are there.

Jan.

On another note.

I feel nauseous. x-h is now flaunting a new girlfriend. He said in January:

"Yes I still mourn for (his previous wife)...If you knew the depth of feeling I had for her after such a long relationship you may understand.I will never get over it. Trying to live with the deep loneliness is a spiritual journey I have to make and be here for (sd) at the same time. I have my own painful truth which runs deep to he bottom of my soul."

I guess he just needed an extra couple of months to get over this deep grief running to the bottom of his soul?

I am so sick and discouraged with the cruelty of humans and the willingness to fulfill the ego at all costs.

How much can a person take, really?

Someone tell me that life will get brighter soon. I am very, very tired...

Jan.

Dear Jan, I know how awful you must be feeling, you have to toughen up, become hard about your men, I am thinking of the song One monkey don,t stop no show. The first version dates back to the sixties, by the Animals, I've always sung that to myself whenever certain men annoy me and it 'works' for me, up to this day! May I offer you the links to these in the hopes that this is how you will come to view your own no longer all that special monkey

Get your headphones on and imagine you are in a British pub for that one:

One monkey don't stop no show:
http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/One...8256C46001465D2




Then there's that same attitude but this time it's a woman saying it:

My baby thought I was jivin'
And he went right out the door.
He left me about three in the morning.
I got me a man at four.
Some women cry when their men bleed them
Dry, long and slow,
But I found out somethin' a long time ago.

One monkey don't stop no show.
One monkey don't stop no show.
So if he gets too big for his pants
You better spring that new one and give him a chance.

I used to be chicken hearted;
Cry when he'd walk out the door,
'cause I was just young and stupid.
Ha! ain't like that no more.
'cause I had a hard way to go,
But I learned the score.
And I'm here to tell you,
And I should know,

One monkey don't stop no show.
One monkey don't stop no show.
And let him do anything he choose.
There's a million men who can fill his shoes.

One monkey don't stop no show.
One monkey don't stop no show.
One monkey don't stop no show.
You can tell him I told you so.

http://www.metrolyrics.com/one-monkey-dont...tte-midler.html


Sing that mantra to yourself, hum it to yourself when he parades for you, and you will soon see that it is the whole truth.. Hang on to what counts: your loved ones in furry or human kind of your present now and your future, made special by you.
With all your potential, I'm certain that things will soon have changed and you will love that new life of yours, I am also certain there will be a better and greater love than the fake/for show one you have known. Positive of the positive waves, that's how sure I am about you.

Thank you Toonie. I'm really hurting today. I know that x-h was a fake, and that I was fooled by him. I also don't envy the new Trophy Woman in his life. But I am disillusioned with humans. It reminds me of Ziggy's shooter, just throw shots out and let the creature writhe in pain. Some people are like that. They don't have empathy, and they don't care what they do as long as in the moment it "feels good" on some level.

I really believe the world of spirit is an easier place than this physical world where we live.

I have not been depressed during these last few months because I just needed to survive. I am really fighting that all encompassing depressive state right now. I don't want to go there, but the pain has been very intense and I really do wonder particularly about men in our society. A friend of mine was saying that many men are "like this". Is that really true? If it is, why are women accepting this from them? I have no doubt the new girlfriend has absolutely no idea what's really gone on. He lied to someone and said that I knew for six months that we were breaking up before he left in December. That was an utter and complete fabrication. His ego knows no bounds. Still he can go on hurting people, and there is sd, right smack in the middle of it all, learning from his example. I have no doubt the new girlfriend will not go over well with her either.

But I do wonder, when I've really tried to do good in my life, why I continue to go through so much pain... I am really ready for a change.

I would rather be alone than end up with another person so separate and disconnected from the whole.... I had been so sure when I married x-h that he was a spiritual, caring person. I really hope there are such men in the world.

Jan.

I know how you feel, I have been there and can assure you that the human world is still a beautiful place (although you get better guarantees with pets!) There are good men and bad men, same goes for women and most of us lie somewhere in between the two extremes. You don't need to look to meet someone, when it happens it just happens. And life is such that even if you were already with a perfect OH you'd still eventually have to come to the realization that :No matter what, you're on your own. Basically Jan, married or single, whatever no one will ever answer our own needs like we only can, and should and hopefully do. So help yourself to the best of life's little essentials for now and embrace it because inevitably, the frills of sharing will come along, how is what none of us knows for now but good stuff like that happens, for sure. I am feeling very positive for you. So first and foremost, be good to yourself Jan, each of us, we're on our own on this planet, but we're readily here for you too, as well as the spirits of our pets, we will all see you through