Hi, Jan and Ann. I read both your posts and feel pretty much the same even though I do my best to use a bit of humor to get my mind off stuff.

First of all, if anything can go wrong, it sure will! See what I mean?




Next: Did someone say, "Oh, what a beautiful, festive, joyful and Merry Christmas!"
Errr ... I don't think so!





But, the world still keeps on a turning and "stuff" still keeps on a happening. Doesn't it? Arg.




Hang in there, you two! Love you both to bits!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Hi Ann - thanks for checking in and I'm sorry to here you are feeling depressed. I think the Christmas season brings that on for a lot of people! Wish sometimes we could just skip it altogether!

I still have financial things to sort out about the property. The problem with getting off this property is first of all that property values are low right now and I think I would lose a lot of money. And second, I am not sure how I would give my dogs Asha and Chance adequate exercise since they both have "social" issues, plus Ellie x-h's dog, if I still have her. Those are two big issues. Also I want to be careful not to make any big decision just yet. Moving is stressful too and especially if I don't even know what my future life will hold yet.

Thank you for sending the prayers - I love when people send me prayers and at times I swear I feel the prayer being sent. I've had a few moments of pure peace where I feel someone must be doing something, 'cause it sure don't seem to be coming from me!!

Sending you hugs too and I'll try my best to be an inspiration to you, 'cause if I can get through *this* then you can get through *that*!!!

take care Ann and hugs back.

Jan.

No, me neither! Bah Humbug from me too!

thanks Dottie

Jan.

Happy New Year Jan,

It is now 11:00 p.m. About 15 miinutes ago, I was still at a party nextdoor. Suddenly I realized I really wanted to be home and thought about you and all the others who are having a hard time during this Holiday season. What I really want to say is that I wish you only the very best for 2009. You've been through more than your share, especially over the last month or so.

May 2009 be the time that all your wishes and dreams come true.

Hugs,
Beth

Hey Jan----
Hope your ok out there in snow country.Feelin vacant without Willy.Somewhat wordless tonite..........
Bubba.............

Beth, thank you so much...

Jan.

Hi Bubba

I know how you feel. I've been feeling like a broken record. x-h has pulled some real nasties lately. I've been feeling really physically nauseous and finding it hard to eat. Everything is dry and tasteless.

I feel like I might be draining people by talking about my pain; maybe I'm just tired of hearing about it myself.

Jan.

Hi Jan! Hey ... Me, too. I mean to tell ya I am really having a pity party for myself. Finally. Just go to my thread and read the last 3 posts or so I wrote to Bubba. Oy.
Like I said, "Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!" I don't think so! ARG!

Oh, and to top it off it's probably cold as heck where you ...

I sure hope you're keeping warm.

Please know I'm thinking about you, all you're going through and ...
Dammit! It stinks for you, Hon! There, I said it.

Okay, back to my "happy holiday smile" thing. And another Oy.

Love ya so much, Jan! Big Comforting Hugs!!!

Your Pal
Dottie xoxoxox

PS. Don't you dare stop talking about all your gosh awful feelings, experiences and what's going on in your life right now. We care and love you!

So you just "Let 'er rip, Skip!" More Hugs!!!

Naw your not draining nuthun,This mess called life is shared by the group as it were.One must vent or one explodes.
Bubba.......

Hi Jan!

I wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing. Funny thing, I was driving home and listening to this song by Pink and it totally made me think of you. Pink and her husband just went through a divorce, or are going through a divorce (not sure if it is finalized), and the song basically is just her saying a big $%##^#$ you to him. It's so funny and a really feel GOOD song. So dance around and remember "So what?" HUGS and more hugs!!!!!! And a big $#^$$ you to your ex!! Hee heeee sometimes it feels so good just to get that out!

http://music.aol.com/video/so-what/pink/2218482

Donna

Bubba and Dottie - you guys are the best! I love ya for saying those things!

Thanks for giving me permission to keep spewing forth until there is nothing left in my guts! Sounds gross but that's pretty much how it feels.

The thing is amongst all the weird games that x-h is playing that make me feel physically nauseous, I get such strong waves of grief about Zita and Ziggy. Zeus sometimes looks like Zita and when I see him all by himself it brings on the waves. And Ziggy, I'm finding it hard to look at her picture right now because it's almost more than I can bear.

At least I know you guys love me (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

thank you!

Jan

Hi Donna - thanks for sending that!

That actually made me really laugh!! hahaha I've heard the song, but the video is much funnier.

Maybe I'll get me a tattoo on my butt and buy me a chainsaw!! Wouldn't that show him, eh!!?

Rock on baby!



Jan.

You OK???????????
Bubba..........................

I second that question. Don't TELL me you're now in the middle of all that flooding & mudsliding that's going on there now!!!

Aww thanks guys for thinking of me... I'm okay, yeah. No flooding here just really icy and lots of piles of snow still. Also someone left a very rotten note on my car windshield with profanities saying my car was blocking the road - the car is clearly not blocking the road and it made me wonder if this was someone with a vendetta - perhaps Ziggy's killer. I have a feeling...

It was so weird today. I had to go to the bank and my mom was here from out of town. x-h's car was there. I went to the bank, came back to the car and she went to get a pound of coffee at the coffee shop. Well, funny thing x-h came out the back door of the coffee shop just as my mom was going in. (He never used that entrance way before....!) He made eye contact with me, waved, I nodded. The sad thing is, his eyes said that he still cared, though he can no longer admit that to himself or anyone. But he is totally messed up and his decision has shattered everything I tried to build with him. I could see in his eyes that his soul knows, that but his ego will not admit it; maybe never in this lifetime. I do still remember the person I "thought" he was, and feel very sad that this is not who he has turned out to really be. I guess these lessons show up in our lives to teach us various things.

Anyone for dream interpretation? Toonie? F-kidlets Mom? Dottie?

I understand some of this dream but not the end part.

Here is part of my dream - I was walking up a hill with my dog Sprite singing childish rhymes about x-h. "x-h is bad, x-sd will be sad" stuff like that - well I know that is the hurt child part of me trying to find comfort. Then I got to the top of the hill and there were two male orange tabby kittens and a calico kitten. They were all very friendly and sweet and I was afraid that they would get too close to Sprite and that she might snap at one of them. This part of the dream, to me, is about the trust and love within myself, and not wanting it to be hurt by the actions of x-h or anyone else who might try to hurt me. I have thought a lot about trust and openness during this process and how I don't want to be jaded by this experience as difficult as it's been. The last part is what I can't totally work out. There was a lost dog. People were calling it a husky, but it looked just like a small sheltie. I wanted to find out who owned the dog, and looked in the tube on it's collar that I thought would contain ID. Instead of ID, there was a credit for points towards dog food. Then I woke up. I think the lost dog is something to do with x-h, especially that everyone was calling it a husky when it was just a small dog, of a different breed - how x-h has appeared to be something he is not. But the credit towards dog food instead of finding ID, I just don't get the significance of that.... interpretations?

Thanks for caring guys. I'm still feeling physically nauseous, just beginning to look at financial things and it is very emotionally draining. So many memories about what I thought I was building with x-h, and the heavy reality of "what is".

Ellie (12 yr old GSD) is also starting to fail and has been falling down the stairs. I've agreed to keep her until x-h returns from a trip to England (that funny enough, I paid for before he split... how convenient) in March. After that, she will likely go back to him. Also painful stuff, but just taking it day by day.

Jan.

Jan--------I wish this thing would get overwith so you can continue your life but I guess it determines it's own speed.Maybe your Mom can hang out with you for awhile.That would be good I think,
Take care Jan,
Bubba......................

You find the two orange cats and a calico at the top of the hill. This represents your hopes and ideals, easily seen and easy to reach from where you stand. But the dog might get in the way of your ideals and harm what is good. Perhaps it means there is still stuff to let go of so that you can freely reach the hill without danger. The fact that others see a husky and you see a sheltie means now you know he is not as great as he seems. And that only material stuff will feed him, he doesn't want to you to know his name he just wants to be fed. Well one thing we can say is you deserve a lot of credit for trying to help this dirty dog , for sure. Give yourself credit for all your valliant efforts, let go of what doesn't fit, move up hill where there is real love.

Wow Toonie, that makes a lot of sense.

Yes, the credit for dog food - the ego looking to be fed - instead of looking within at who you really are and where you come from, on that deeper level.... perhaps not wanting the real person to be "found" because of fear.

I think, in the dream, my concern about Sprite nipping one of the kitties, represents my own protectiveness of myself and the "snapping" that x-h sends my way. Also that I honor my own trusting "innocence", even though that trust has been well broken...

Your interpretation feels right to me.

thanks.

Jan.

Yes, the snow has made things difficult. I can't get an assessment of my house and property until the snow melts. But I am beginning to forge onward looking at the financial stuff that needs to be looked at. I agree that cutting ties asap is the key to a happier future. This and Ellie will be the last of the ties with x-h. From there I can move forward in my life.

My mom lives an hour and a half drive away, but my parents have been very supportive. My dad said that x-h fooled him just as he did me. It's x-h's karma now. I still feel very hurt and in shock, but I am at peace with myself and I guess that is what's most important. I'm still going through a ton of grief and find it so hard to eat. It is a process and I am praying that this proces move quickly and positively through my life.

thanks Bubba

Jan.

I'm really hurting today.

Three times I have been in relationships where I have fully committed myself, given my full trust, and love. This last time I felt very sure my trust and love would be honoured but once I am, here again, rebuilding my whole life from scratch.

I need to somehow put this in a context somehow because the pain I am going through feels like more than I can bear at times.

I do wonder what my place is in life, and why I am even here. Just to go through so much hurt seems pointless without context. What hurts most is to not be loved by someone to whom I have gifted my trust and allowed my soul to be fully vulnerable. It is as if this gift "meant nothing." And that affects how I feel about me, especially when I respected that person's opinion so much.

I am not even really sure about the philosophy that we create our own lessons. What doesn't fit for me there is that we all have choice and those choices change. I have no control over another's choice.

Staying in this house with all the hopes and dreams we were building seems to be hurting me a lot... especially with all the work still needed, all the reminders of death and loss, and the isolation... it is a lovely place for a family but not so much for a single woman. At the same time I am concerned about a couple of my dogs with social problems and how I would exercise them without an acreage... so much to think about and just not sure which direction to go.

I went to an event that x-h and I would have both enjoyed. As I went to sign in, I saw his name on the list before me. I had friends with me and knew I would tough it out. But looked around and he wasn't there. He must have seen me and gone out the door, as he did with my mother the other day (she went in a coffee shop to buy a pound of coffee and I saw him sneaking through the back door).

He was doing hypnotherapy with someone I know and also getting advice from someone - these people were supposed "friends" of mine. I do not know what went on, but it definitely affected this shift, which seems in a way more like a nervous breakdown than anything that I can makes sense of.

He hid his feelings from me completely so I didn't know what was going on... if I had known, maybe I could have done something. I thought I was "safe" to express myself with him. I was completely fooled, completely snowed.

The film I went to (which x-h could have learned from if he'd actually stayed...) was Wayne Dyer's "Ambition to Meaning: Finding Your Life’s Purpose" I'm glad I went, it was a lovely film and good retreat from my feelings for a little while.

Jan.