Hi Jan-----Then stay in touch I will.I don't know if I shared this with you in the past,but I will type this little ditty I read somewhere. Somehow it touches on what we have corresponded about.

Suffering is grace.
Pleasure keeps you asleep in the habits you are accustomed to.
Suffering is the disconfirmation of your expectations and it forces confrontation and it gives you the opportunity to awaken.
The predicament of awakening is: once you awaken you can't get back to sleep..............

You can doze..............but................

People who think beyond pay the price I guess.........That's what we get for using our head for something more than a hatrack.

P.S. I understand the snow thing.A long time ago when I was a student in Boston, I, being a California native,was made keenly aware as to why so many people migrated to the West Coast from the East Coast and the Midwest.Thankfully,Jan,the snow will go away and maybe by then your situation will have gotten better.The pendulum can swing only so far in the negative.Eventually it has to travel in the other direction.

It ALWAYS does..........Take care friend,Bubba.......................

Yes - wise words, and thank you for that.

I think the one thing suffering does, is allow us to grow. As long as we are connected to feelings, suffering will play a role in our lives. I don't mean attaching to negative patterns or negative thinking, but true pain of loss, based on how deeply we love...



hehe, yes, also wise words...





Thanks a bunch my pal! I will survive... and I have to believe it's only up from here.

Hope you are also surviving this difficult season also.

I had some vivid pictures in my mind's eye of Zita yesterday when I was sitting with Zeus. Oh, how I still miss her sweet little face and personality. Then I remembered that today last year was the day last year I decided to adopt Ziggy. I picked her up the day the SPCA opened after Christmas, on Dec 27th. There are many emotions this Christmas with all the many losses of this year.... but as you say, we will be reunited one day at Rainbow Bridge, and until then, we must enjoy the souls we are privileged to know here on this earth plane.

take care and hope you are doing okay too.

Jan.

Hey there Jan--------- I guess when we really stand back and look at things objectively (easier said than done) and reflect on the show(our lives up to this very second) we notice that we have been in and out of incredible-no way out-man it's REALLY over now (speaking for myself anyway) situations in the past and they have always resolved to the tonic chord in the end.Seems like the whole of humanity has,since God knows when, worked to end suffering.You name it:Shrinks,churches,Mother Teresa,The Moose Lodge,The freakin Salvation Army!!!!!!!! and what happens? While one fire is put out another 3 begin.
The suffering won't end till we do.This appears to be the program.
Jan, know that your forum mates are here and will be here for you for a long time.........

From my outpost here at OCD headquarters, I bid you good evening and will be back again..........Take care pal, Bubba...............

P.S. Glad to see Dottie is back..............

Hope yer doin alright today------talk to ya soon -------Bubba.............

Jan, We must have been posting at the same time when I posted the one just above this.I responded to your post on my 'shooting star' thread.Talk again soon.
Bubba..........

Hey Bubba - thanks for checking up on me. I think we posted at the same time because as I posted to your thread mine came up on top..!



Yes, I think the natural pattern in life is to try to create balance when we don't resist the grief process and are honest to what we feel at the core of our soul. What I am realizing is a lot of people are very disconnected to their own feelings, because feelings are scary and unpredictable. But if you cannot fully feel pain, how can you fully know joy? This joy is what our furbabies gave us, and what our living furbabies are giving us now.

And yeah, those fires, well I'm just watching the fog of smoke hovering over the little burnt down forest of my life and thinking, how to replant...? But even in that scenario forest fires replenish the earth and start things anew so there is maybe purpose in this too...

And speaking of Mother Theresa - she did do some amazing things though and through many "small" acts that were void of ego. She was an amazing role model.. Here are some of her quotes that I love:

There is more hunger in the world for love and appreciation in this world than for bread. Mother Teresa

We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop. Mother Teresa

Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless. Mother Teresa

****

Yes, and yay that Dottie is back!

Thanks for checking in on me buddy, it means a lot. This is the way I will get through this cruddy time in my life, by having people in my life (online or other) that can help lift me up and that care in some small way. Because those small acts of caring are really very huge, and can even be life changing.

And perhaps I have to realize that living with people who claim they do not love me, was really a waste of the energy I have to give. As Mother Theresa says, there are many places to offer love and appreciation....

Thanks for checking on me. My parents managed to get here and I was able to pick them up even though the road conditions weren't great. Winter tires are a true miracle! (Where I live you don't normally need them!!)

So today I can be grateful that I (1.) saw the sun today (2.) saw my parents (3.) had snow tires that performed (4.) and had 3 phonecalls from friends checking in as well as your thoughtful note. And I'm sure there are more things I could list but that's enough to help me sleep tonight.

Thanks again Bubba.

Jan.

Hey no problemo!!!
I am glad your folks made it to your house.You are blessed to have them with you.Mine have been gone a long time.These moments with your Mom and Dad will probably have a little extra glow this year.
Mother Teresa, YEA, talk about ditching the ego and walkin the walk.Bet she has a comfortable Laz-Z-Boy in heaven!!!!!
Snow tires: Beats the hell out of a Radio Flyer wagon with ski's bolted to the bottom.

B back later.................Bubba...............

P.S. I am a little backwards here in the chronology of my post but I agree that most people are afraid of their feelings and usually refrain from talking about them.That requires thought and work and it is far easier to avoid.Put it in the closet and don't look at it.But since you are NOT doing that you will be the victor in this and x-H will have his emotions catch up later when he can no longer resist them surfacing.......................

Good morning Jan,

Already you have begun to replant your forest! Your loving heart will allow it to grow and flourish. Just like the forests that have burned and come back fresh and anew, yours will too and it will be more full and even more beautiful than before.

I was glad to hear your parents made their way to you on Christmas. Of course that meant alot to you that they came. Mom's especially can be so comforting and wise during difficult times. My Mom passed away 20 years ago, and I still find myself talking to her when something lays heavy on my heart. It sounds like you have very loving parents as well as a wonderful network of friends who care about you very much. Keep surrounding yourself with the love you know is true and watch your forest expand and grow before your very eyes.

Peace, love, and joy to you during this Holiday Season, Jan. May you have a bigger and brighter 2009!

Much love with many hugs,
Beth

Hi Bubba

Yes I'm very lucky to still have them, and they are good parents, solid and committed, as well as a stable source of emotional support my whole life... I have to admit that with all the loss I have some fear about losing them too. They aren't young anymore. My dad had a heart attack when he was just 45 and has been living on "borrowed time" for over 30 years! I had always thought that x-H would be there to support me through this loss when it inevitably happens. I think with all that's happened, it's just like I am afraid to relax and breathe for what else might be around the corner. I know worry doesn't help anything, but it's like I've been dodging bullets for the last 3 years.



Yes, I wonder if a person can spend their whole life avoiding emotions - it seems some can. I find for me it is easier to deal with what I feel than bury it because I'm sure it would just keep popping up anyway. I've never tried much to push down my feelings so I probably don't even know what that would be like. I would actually think that it would be more work not to acknowledge grief or trauma...? I had an ex partner who had a very traumatic childhood and used alcohol and many other "escapes" to numb himself from those feelings. I eventually came to believe that since his father had committed suicide, the numbing substances were possibly his only tool for survival? I mean I know that is not a healthy coping mechanism, but perhaps with his limited coping skills the pain would have been just too much so he was unwilling to face it...? I wonder what makes grief so hard to face, or is it just conflict x-H is running from.... I wonder too if grief or sorrow is much harder for men to deal with because of society's expectations that "men don't cry" etc etc and all those horribly unhealthy stigma's we create for men...

Or it could be x-H just got big-headed and thought he saw greener grass on the other side of the fence. That's a strong possibility.

This is what a friend of mine once said: "I think when you are hurt by someone, the scars can heal. But when you hurt someone else, those scars show up on your soul. Perhaps only to be healed in another lifetime, if there can be one."

I believe our soul is the "connected-to-God" part of us. I think the information available to us through the soul has far deeper wisdom and guidance than any book, any expert, any source of external information....

Maybe part of life and pain is learning to make an even deeper connection...

Jan.

Beth - thank you for your encouragement. I still have pangs of disbelief and waves of extreme pain, but it seems to be intermixed with a certain peace... like I know I did really try in the best way I knew, and they refused my love... And also feeling that my love is a gift, and if they didn't want it, there are others that will, in, as Mother Theresa describes, a world starving for love and appreciation. Of course my world as I knew it has been shattered and there is much pain still with the shock and acceptance of it all. It is the shattered illusion that is hardest to accept...

I am grateful for the foundation my parents gave me. I'd have never thought I would need their support so much at this age in my life (I am 44), but they know me at my core, and that is a core intends good, and not harm.

I am very grateful for what they still offer me. They had to drive home early because the snow wasn't stopping and I was nervous I would be able to get them to their car, parked at a hotel. The past two Christmases have been very difficult. x-h had made plans on the phone with my mom about Christmas dinner before he announced he planned to split, just days later. He was definitely not being honest.

I hope he will decide to move far away from here. It would help not to run into him anywhere. Just on my drive back I saw his car presumably returning him and his daughter from the shopping mall. The less I think about what he is doing and saying, the better.

Thanks again Beth for your support - it means a lot to me.

Jan.

Hey Jan---------Your last line of the above post speaks to what I have been thinking about lately.The pain being a part of life and maybe more importantly,strengthens that connection because it forces us to depend on God when we have tapped out all of our earthly options.Like he is trying to get our attention and not lose sight of the big prize. Some things come to mind when I ruminate on this idea:

If ongoing pain/confusion is part of the plan to get our attention and 'connect' with God, While it can get us running back to him it can also make one weary and either force us to reject the concept of His existence or become fed up with His program and feel we are singled out for failure.Coupled with that thought is the question as to why it seems that some people have nothing but success in many areas and don't appear any more connected and in some cases less connected and not dependent on God.This is not self-pity but more a question to the balance of things.Is it just lousy fate or worse,pre-destination?.......Is God that 'Evil Genius' We read about in Philosophy 101 back in our college days and does He possess a sick delight in seeing a portion of us suffer mentally/physically in this big science project of His (creation) ?...........'GOD'!!! I hope not 'cause boy are we screwed!!!!!!!!!

On the topic of the death of parents,I used to freak out when I would think about that especially when I would include in my thoughts that I had no brothers and sisters to share this pain with.You know what? it was not anymor painful than I thought it would be.By that I mean that,of course it was dark and painful and memories of 'the good ol days' flooded back in gallons.But it was tempered,in time,with the fact of their humanity, that God (disregarding for a moment what I said above) would care for their souls and they would continue to live because they were human.Sad and cozy at the same time.Keep in mind I was VERY close to my parents and it hurt like hell but I really did adjust to it.I kind of surprised myself actually as to how strong and 'adult' I was.

Our furkids are a different story and I go back and forth on this all the time.Usually I just create my own version of the "Bridge" and go with that to create an internal reality and save the few grams of sanity I have left.

Bubba.................

Hi Bubba

I think "separateness" is an illusion that somehow man created, and that the reality is one-ness with all here and all in the spirit world as well. Quantum physics supports those ideas.

Here is part of an article I came across by Robert Burney, perhaps you'll relate to it as I did:

"Because the channel between Spiritual Self and human self was disrupted by planetary condition, the human ego began to develop the belief that it was separate from other humans and from the Source. This belief in separation made violence possible. The violence, caused by the false belief, meant that humans could no longer enjoy a free-flowing emotional process. As a consequence, emotionally-repressive environments evolved in the social systems on this planet. Human beings were forced to adopt defense systems that included the belief that emotions were negative and had to be suppressed and controlled. This was necessary in order for human beings to live together in communities that would insure the survival of the human race. It is not necessary any longer! And it is dysfunctional."

The other thing I was thinking is that deep grief is a "symptom" of deep love. Emotional energy doesn't go away unless it is acknowledged. Even though grief feels really bad, it is also a measure of how much we have opened our hearts to love. Maybe without all the social stigmas about grief, we would be more united in humanity and embrace grief instead of looking at people as "weak" or "fragile", "unable to handle things", the way x-h was looking at me. So maybe it's not just grief that is tough but how society in general handles grief.

And why do some people go through lives without a lot of pain or grief, being sometimes connected and sometimes not connected at all to a higher power? Well, that is a good question. But then maybe the smallest of discoveries in life can be quite huge for some souls. And also our sense of time here seems forever, whereas I think that is a kind of illusion as well. We are just a blip in the context of time. I'm not sure if time even really exists except in our illusion of life.



Maybe it has to do with what we do with our pain. I wrote a prayer once, I will paste it here:

When we are in times of crisis or difficulty, help us to accept the challenge of transformation; of shifting directions and making important changes. Whether we know the reasons for situations or not – let us find meaning within them.

From the ashes of despair, let us find the power of love to heal pain. Rather than be driven apart, let our difficulties be the bridge that brings us together in a higher more spiritual love. Let our problems bring out our deepest truths and in self- reflection, we may release fears that keep us in a state of suffering. Let us accept the challenge of difficult cir%%stances to grow and transform spiritually.

Instead of being driven apart by fear, we can walk together in love. In passing on this power and strength to each other we are kept alive in joy or in purpose. Let us never suffer alone, but reach out to others.

The material side of life is impermanent. Our spiritual journeys help us move forward. Let us find together find oneness in these spirit journeys.

****


Thanks Bubba. That is reassuring. I feel very assured that all souls live on after death. It is my reaction to it that scares me since I have counted on my parents so much for a baseline of stability and support. It is good to hear that you were close to your parents but was able to adjust and have strength. I hope that I have some time to enjoy them before this loss because I'm not sure my heart could bear anymore right now.



I have had "visits" from my old dog Merlin, fairly frequently in my dreams and in a real enough way that I do believe he is still strongly connected to me. He was my special dog that I adopted at 4 months and lived to be over 17 years old. I was with him for 17 years, my longest term relationship besides the one with my parents. With him, I can't explain it, but I "know" he is still there for me and that we will be reunited. Maybe when the pain is fresh it is more difficult to access these visits; I'm not sure. I wish I could offer you real, concrete evidence that our pets are really there waiting for us, but I guess faith will have to do. I can just assure you that of the many questions I have that is not one, and I feel positive that we will be joined again in the afterlife...

thanks for your thoughts!

Jan.

Jan,
Well I'll go backwards again.Starting with your last paragraph.What you said about the pain being fresh and making more difficult to access visits from our pets.For some reason that struck a chord.Right now,almost 4 months after Willy's death,I am in a constant sort of dull-ache bag with occasional flare-ups into full fledged screaming grief.Perhaps I have not reached a calm,consistent enough place where my mind/heart will accept more visits from Willy.After he died,the first couple of days I had visits while awake and then some while dreaming a few weeks or so later.I think I can internalize what your saying maybe more clearly without words than I am able to put to print here.

The quote by Burney when (if I have understood it properly) referring to ego is something I have mulled over for years.The separateness humans have concocted thinking there are vast differences between us when the only real distinctions are cultural and not physical.I experience this when I go shopping with my wife.I hate shopping.But I always find it interesting when, in a large group of people of all stripes, that we share so many common desires and needs while looking so different.All predjudice would be wiped out if the bigots and racists could really 'see' how similar we all are.Of course that would take thought and reading and most people young and old these days are pre-occupied with the acquisition of 'stuff' and not the discipline of inner work.

The grief being a symptom of deep love is true and our reaction to the loss of our pets and the continuing thoughts of them is proof that they were not just another 'animal' but a true loving tie no different than that of our bonds with humans.If people would take the time to consider that we all share so many common themes and like emotions it could solve so many of the worlds ills.Unfortunately this is not likely........
Bubba...............

I think it might be because I am at peace with the passing of my old Merlin and the fact that we were so inseperably bonded that he shows up a lot in my dreams, whereas neither Zita nor Ziggy have really clearly shown up in a dream.

I had a really bad night last night, kept waking and feeling betrayed and spat upon by x-h, the man I thought would always love and protect me.

Just before waking I had a dream where I was sitting with my mom and she said "You get off that icy road" and who should she be talking to but my faithful, loving and devoted Merlin boy. In my dream it was just like he was never gone. That's how he comes to me sometimes in dreams. Even when he was alive most of my dreams included him because he was my faithful buddy, always with me, my constant companion, my most longterm relationship with any being. Maybe he showed up because he knows I am distressed. He was always so loyal and steadfast.

Also, just minutes ago, I thought I heard Rosie bark from upstairs again. I think Toonie is right when she says that Rosie feels my sadness and is telling me she's there. I don't want Rosie to feel that sadness but there is such an emptiness and pain for me right now that I can only ride it out until maybe life takes a new turn.




Something else I've noticed is that even people who read, like x-h, might understand certain things academically or intellectually but don't follow cues from their heart. We humans in general are followers and if a prominent author, or especially when many authors or leading "experts" say a certain thing, often we accept these principles without necessarily even understanding them. Like for example, the law of attraction is the latest one... I agree with a lot of the principles about that but believe much of it is misunderstood. x-h believed if I spoke about a fear or even a solution to a fear I would "draw" it into me. His interpretation of this, in my opinion, promotes emotional dishonesty. We are not "shiny, happy people". I like a lot of the Buddhist principles about happiness, and of course I want to be happy too. But shoving down very real and very intense emotions to pretend life is wonderful doesn't make those emotions go away. I think it is by acknowledging grief or fear that we can find tools to live with it and seek happiness and balance again.

I really believe that we have all the answers we need in our own soul - that "connected to God" part of us, and if we would stop "thinking" as much, and start "feeling", maybe we would connect more easily.

There is a saying, I think it is by Brock Tully, "Don't just listen to what I say, try to feel what I mean." I think those are very wise words.



Yes, like Mother Theresa said, if we add one more drop into the ocean it is one drop more than it was before. Maybe small acts by lone individuals are much "bigger" than we may imagine...


Jan

I'm having a very rough morning and this seems the best place to go.

I was just looking at the many unfinished projects started by x-h at the farm and thinking, why?!

Why did he marry me if he wasn't committed?

Why did I go through all the physical, financial, mental and emotional stress over the last 3 years of living in a construction zone, for a home designed for our "family" (with many "special" touches for x-h), when there would ultimately be no family? Why did I ever bother trying to create structure for x-sd, who now has no rules and no structure? She is daddy's princess, and that makes her feel special, but I think of the costs of losing her childhood, having no boundaries or guidance and getting everything she "thinks" she wants...

x-h's choice to marry me and create our "dream home" together cost me my health, my finances, my peace of mind, and more importantly, killed two precious sweet and innocent souls, Zita and Ziggy. Had I never moved here Zita and Ziggy would have been safe from predators and shooters.

With all these challenges and difficulties, I believed there would be an end and x-h and I would have each other. Now I have an unfinished, unrenovated place, full of more financial and renovation complications (that I wouldn't have dreamed of taking on alone, ever!) and x-h is off in his own world of oblivion. I will not be surprised at all if there is, or will be soon, a new woman involved, as he does not like to be alone. He hasn't even asked about the dogs, and Ellie the GSD came all the way from England with him. Ellie is 12 years old. x-h has no idea how she is starting to fail. Her back legs give out on her a lot now. She is drinking quite a bit of water lately and she is on pills for urinary incontinence. I looked at her this morning and she looked really sad. x-h doesn't really care about her any more than he does me, nor any of the other dogs, even Asha, who loved to snuggle into him in the morning. Or if he does care, no-one would ever know.

I just feel like I have wasted my energy and my life this past 3 years, believing in something that was false. But worse than that I wasted the lives of Zita and Ziggy in this false illusion of my life.

My only "comfort" in any of this, and it's not much really, is that I believe we have a life review before we die and get to experience the ripple effects of the actions we took in life. I believe we get to feel what other's felt as a result of things we did or said. If this is true, x-h will truly know the pain of this choice he made, regardless of his present oblivion.

I have had an all out ugly sobbing session outside with the dogs this morning for everything lost and gone over the last 3 years. Not only did Ziggy and Zita senselessly die, but also x-h's cat Tiffany was killed by the neighbour's dog here, my Merlin was euthanized inside this house and then the recent loss of Rosie, but in such an atmosphere of ill-will from x-h towards me.

How can a person live with himself, or actually even experience peace, by abandoning me and the pets in these conditions...? I had sent him an email asking about which switch to use for putting the water back on in case of a power outage. He didn't even respond, until I sent another email asking him again. I get a feeling he is actually even getting a sick kind of pleasure having left me with this mess and basically flipping me the finger for anything I've tried to do to give his daughter structure and adult guidance...

I don't know what to do with all these feelings, so putting them here is at least someplace I can be "heard"...

Jan.

Sorry that things are so rough, reminds me of this song. Sting & Police I Been Down so Long Lyrics:
written by J B Lenoir/A Atkins

The sun sets across the ocean
I'm a thousand mile from anywhere
And my pocketbook in my heart
Both just got stolen
And the sun act like she don't even care
The wind blows cold when you reach the top
Feels like somebody's face is stuck
to the bottom of my shoe
Got a plastic jesus, a cordless
telephone for every corner of
my room
Got everybody but you tellin' me what to do

Well I've been down so long
It can't be that much longer still
And I've been down for so long
That the end must be drawing near

I looked to everybody but me
To answer my prayers
Until I found an angel in the bathroom
Who said she didn't see anybody
who was saving anywhere
And the blind man said,
"Simple... like flipping a coin
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/LdeK ]
-
Don't matter what side it lands on
So long as it's somebody else's dime"
Cause if you're the top of the bottom
It all feels the same
We live out of fear if we're too
rich or we're too poor
Guess all I can do is muster up some change
And a little bit of faith
And take some dignity when I
walk through this door

Gonna take a trip
Catch a train
Got a ticket in my hand
And then a fat man takes my money
And like cattle we all stand
I'm just a faceless body lost in
this vast and worthless sea
In a thousand people I do not know
But really they are no different from me
They all have passion
They all have fear
They all have intense confusion
And no sweet moments that are clear
They all have aspirations
High hopes and dreams
And are really that alone like me

We've been down so long
It can't be that much longer still
We've been down so long
That the end must be...
The end must be...
The end must be drawing near
Lyrics: I Been Down so Long, Sting & Police [end]


Hope the wind shifts soon for you, but know that where you are today, many others have been and more importantly, given all your potential, life will make it up to you, or rather you will eventually empower yourself and get it all together your way. Hugs, you will make it after all, you have the greatest attribute, yourself.

Hi, Jan! My kitty and me came by to tell you we're thinking about you, Hon!

Love ya so much!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Aw thanks Toonie.

I tried to find the music on youtube.com but the music I found didn't match the lyrics you had.... I read the lyrics though and knowing that I'm not "alone" does help. Each day will get easier.

Lately this is my theme tune, Fighter - by Christina Aguilera. You may find the music and video a bit brash or dark, but I love the symbolism and the idea of offering thanks instead of vengeance.

I do think I can come out of this a better, stronger person, and that's what I have to focus on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB7pQpNx-F4

Fighter

After all you put me through
You'd think I'd despise you
But in the end I wanna thank you
'Cause you made me that much stronger

Well I, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
Guess I, I couldn't trust
Called your bluff, time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you, cause it...

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Oh, ohh

Never, saw it coming
All of, your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard, you're going around
Playing, the victim now
But don't, even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave, uh huh

After all of the fights and the lies cause you're wanted to haunt me
But that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust, so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
You won't stop me

I am a fighter and I
I ain't goin' stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Thought I would forget
But I, I remember
I'll remember, I'll remember

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Thanks kitty and Dottie!

I hope you are doing okay too!

Thinking of you too and just being kinda self-absorbed right now.

Jan.

Hi Jan, Been feeling really depressed as of late. I seem to want to run from everything and everyone around me. Then I come here and read your post. I hate change and don't adjust to it well at all. I tried to put myself in your place. Man, I just want so much for you to find the stregnth to get thru all this bs in your life. It's way too much..Is there anyway you can get off that property and start somewhere new??? I loved that prayer you posted and just wanted to let you know that I'm sending many more your way..and many much needed hugs.. Ann