Thanks - trying to, but I do have my moments. Like at 4 a.m. last night laying there is disbelief of what's happened.



Well, I don't have to do anything immediately. The saddest part is that she is more bonded to me than to x-H even he admits that. She was never taught manners and so she's a bit of a pushy, loud dog, but for the most part she is just a devoted and faithful girl. On our walks, she is always right by my side while all the others play. Losing her will be "just one more" - Gawd! It's a lot to take.



Yes I've seen that one - my dogs are much the same, they LOVE the snow! Without my dogs and Zeus I would be totally lost so I am very lucky to have them, for that I am grateful.

Thanks F's mom!

Jan.

Beth - your posts always make me cry, but in a good way. Maybe I am feeling your prayers because I do have moments of total serenity and peace. I could be doing a lot worse. I just miss the constant companionship and I find it hard to believe x-H doesn't, but it appears so. I find all of it hard to believe but obviously I had no idea what was brewing for quite awhile.

I guess my only regrets are my suc%%bing to stress and reacting to it; there was so much stress and grief! I honestly thought we would soon be "over" this and get to enjoy the marriage, but it's not going to happen now.

So I have to find ways to rebuild and take care of myself.

thank-you!

Jan.

Hi Bubba

Haven't stopped breathing so far, that's a good sign! I just feel like I'm in some surreal, unreal world. When I'm asleep and I wake up I can't believe what's all happened!

Even at the computer, when the screensaver comes on 3/4"s of the pic's are of someone dead or gone now. Weird, weird, weird.

So as a tool of survival and strength, I dedicate the following male bashing jokes to x-H (nothing personal to you Bubba or the other good men on this website, 'kay? (Some were even funnier but a tad bit too risque for this site!) :

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
Why is psycho&%^ysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about ****** them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.


bah-dah-dah-dum..

Oh, but how can you truly regret what was the natural "other side of the coin" to great love? As you said, there was just "so much" to contend with, and close enough to all at once! You, me, or pretty much anyone else here or elsewhere, are not above being human and having normal feelings, after all. Try not to be hard on yourself about this. We've all experienced much the same stressful reactions, even without double and triple whammies, and those of us who have had more than a plateful in short periods of time know all too well how easily depleted we can get over such circu*mstances.

I repeat - it's NOT YOUR FAULT you have feelings and it's even LESS your fault that you're honest enough to not hide them. Those are GOOD qualities that are normally lauded among humans, and if they aren't when we're the most challenged, that's just poor perception on others' parts. So don't let someone else's shortcomings 'make' you feel guilty. You have NO reason to be and you sure don't need the extra stress feeling guilty, or extra-responsible, creates.

But as each new thought and feeling comes up, keep coming back so we can all help you to see things in a healthier light. That's part of what friends are for.

Jan.......Throughout my life I have learned many things though I still have much to learn. One of the most important lessons for me to understand was that I can make plans and dream of the future. That was the easy part. The hard part was for me to understand that I can't plan the outcome of all I desire out of life. I've had to put my faith and trust in believing that I'll get what I need. Though I may not understand the reasons of why something happens, eventually the reason becomes clear..............sometimes much later than I would have liked. And when that reason dawns on me I say.....
OH! Now I know why. The reason is now clear. Sometimes wonderful and beautiful events wind up happening that would never have happened otherwise.

All of this no doubt is the lowest point you have ever been in your life. Have faith that you will also weather this severe storm and rise above the pain and sadness you are feeling now having. The strength lies within you in the depths of your loving heart. Don't ever allow anything that happens in life harden your beautiful and loving soul. There is a saying that lives in my heart. This goes for you too. "TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE." You are special Jan. Always remember that. You will rebuild! I promise you will and you'll become an even newer and better model.

Hugs of comfort Jan............from my heart to yours,
Beth

Hi Jan,

I was thinking of you today and how you are doing. I know you are in so much pain from the break-up with H. One of my break-ups (one that was caused by him not being able to handle my grief/stress) was particulary painful. However, I think I learned and grew more from that than I could have ever imagined. I went back and looked through my stuff, this poem was particulary comforting to me at the time... and it's so true. I hope it can bring you some comfort, too.

After a While

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...
By Veronica A. Shoffstall

"Letting go of what no longer serves you opens you up to receive all the new gifts life has waiting for you." Barbara DeAngelis

"But how shall we expect charity towards others,
when we are uncharitable to ourselves?
Charity begins at home, is the voice of the world;
yet is every man his greatest enemy, and, as it were, his own executioner."
~~Thomas Browne

HUGS!!
Hope you are doing OK,
Ren, Zorro, and Nemo's Mom

Oh, thanks F's Mom, but I know at times I was overreactive to the financial stresses of building the house, the delays the cramped living space, the things going wrong (so many of them) and living with x-SD. Sometimes I got to a point of yelling. Twice I remember throwing sheets of paper on the floor - one a list of conditions about x-SD's ipod that I had written; x-H thought what I wrote was too harsh. I was mad and threw the paper on the floor, just like I did once when there was some issue about siding or something or other. I was so frustrated I threw the sheet on the ground. It wasn't like I was constantly screaming and throwing things, but the tension was constant. x-H would never say much. I know now that he internalized his frustration. I didn't see this brewing and I wonder if I could have somehow stayed calmer. With the grief of Ziggy and Zita, I know I didn't function that well and he did more of the household stuff for the first month of Ziggy dying. I just wonder if I could have kept my cool more, functioned better, had I known that x-H was boiling over inside, could things have been saved? Maybe not, but I don't know.

I do appreciate you trying to help me see things in a healthier light! Right now I feel like maybe I've been scapegoated into the "source of all problems". I feel like he thinks I'm Satan personified.

Jan.

Beth - I do so appreciate your words of wisdom and it really does help.

I know a long time ago I went through an awful mess with my partner at the time. He left me abruptly and then a week later my landlords told me they were selling the house (that I had just moved into). They wanted me out in about 2 weeks. They said they needed to fix up the place because they were going to sell it. This was not even legal, so I had to go to arbitration to work things out and point out my rights as a tenant. I remember laying on the floor feeling like I'd been shot (similar to how I feel now).

Anyway, I found another rental place that would take pets and it was a lot worse than the first - it stunk, had huge cracks in it, a neighbourhood kitten would come into the house through the cracks in the wall. It cost more than the first place to rent. I couldn't stand living there and started looking into buying a house. As I looked I found my old rental being advertised "as is" i.e. no repairs or fixs ups (the reason I was evicted). So I did go to arbitration, and I ended up with enough money for the downpayment of my first house. In fact I was awarded more money than I asked for. And in the end that house doubled in value and made it possible to completely pay off my next home (but I'm back to a mortgage now since meeting x-H). So in that case, the worst thing that happened to me in my life all worked for the best.

I hope this will be the case too. I guess I just can't figure out how x-H could hide his loathing for me, building up all this resentment, yet doing so many things that appeared nurturing. It's so hard to make sense of it all.

Today I feel very disheartened and very rejected. x-H has been saying some nasty things about me, and I feel doubly shattered. So often I jumped to his defense and wanted to be supportive for him. I feel like I put my love in the wrong hands with him and he has devalued anything I gave him...

Jan.

Hi Nemo's Mom

I used to have that poem posted on my fridge, thanks for reminding me of it! I will copy it so I can put it somewhere again.

thanks so much!

Jan.

I feel so misunderstood!

x-H told someone I was "nickle and diming" him - huh?

I was focussed on getting things ready for the audit and had just done a quick rundown of money we each contributed to the house, but wasn't finished. I hadn't got back to doing that because for one the house was turned upside down, and secondly it is such an emotionally draining and sad thing to do. I had told him that I wanted the $21,000 I paid to pay off his car loan and I think that is fair. Nickle and diming.... how disheartened that makes me feel. I want to take the higher road, not a road of vengeance. I do want my fair portion, but not asking for more. Also x-H was fairly extravagent and my investment money went to lots of those extravagances including plane fair for a trip he is doing in March. Anything I've financially done for him seems forgotten. Also he told this person that I wanted to work things out but there was "nothing to work out".

I got off the phone and cried.

It is snowing like mad here. I might be stuck here for a couple of days. I guess I will start actually looking at the contributions towards the house. He must think I'm sitting here obsessing over every nickel when in reality I've just not wanted to face having to do this at all.

I'd better go get my dogs in, it's a blizzard out there.

Jan.

Hey, Jan,

Whether you can recognize it or not yet, I see good things here in your ponderings, and important movement in your thinking, even as you're rather 'berating' yourself. Rather than it being about 'berating', though, let's instead call it the necessary and worthwhile steps of self-assessment, just another part of the whole process of growth that can come out of adversity, as we learn about ourselves and decide what to keep and what to modify or discard. The most important part, though, is just being aware of how we've been, or are.
Well, sure, I guess you could have stayed calmer or something...especially if you'd had fewer feelings (i.e. less love for your babies) and were less honest a person and wished to stuff things down instead! Of COURSE you didn't function that well - you were actively & honestly grieving! Does that make you a bad person? Of course not!

Maybe think of this as another form of the "if onlys". "If only I had acted more coolly when under great stress and bereavement, then maybe..." What? Your ex would have turned into someone other than who he really is? Or, he would have stuck around until the NEXT major stressor came along to upset the apple cart and his unrealistic expectations of life and marriage? No, Jan. His reactions to yours are still his OWN choices and you could never control those, even if you wish you could have. (and let's still not forget the MANNER in which he handled all sorts of things) Furthermore, he'd either committed to your marriage or he hadn't. If the desire to stick the bad times out with one's partner isn't there, then there can be no weathering of any storm. You may have provided him with an easier excuse to give up and get out, but you didn't MAKE him do anything. He did HIS stuff that put its own strain on you, but you didn't want to leave him, did you? No. So it's his baggage and not yours. Did he leave because he had to do a few more chores, or because he was incapable of supporting his spouse through tough times? You think other couples haven't had screaming matches or even singular ones, especially during terrible challenges? That alone is not a precursor for break-ups, because if it were, there'd be precious few couples.

So in your processing, you've seen you didn't act 'perfectly' at times, and hence you are human, as they say. But again, it's your honesty in being willing to take a closer look at yourself that matters, and is still commendable. Don't underestimate this, as many people run from that very process and so never allow themselves to grow. Many just live in denial of how they act &/or react. What you're doing is growing from this.....already! So GOOD for YOU!

Your ex, on the other hand, isn't likely going through the same process as you.....not if he's as closed-off as you've seen. Therefore, his chances of improving upon himself are much slimmer. I should also mention that people who withdraw (or try to deceive others at the same time) are, as therapists say, the hardest people of ALL to work with professionally or in personal relationships. You can't get squat out of them, so there is no movement, or commitment to make the necessary changes in relationship dynamics. You can't work with NOTHING, right? And nothing is all they give, so stuck in hiding everything they are, from others and most especially from themselves. So if he does virtually nothing within himself, he'll just repeat his same patterns with another person, endlessly, unless he chooses to open up to something greater.

So even if he's bad-mouthing you, know that at least you're looking deeper than he is, and not excluding yourself from the equation (you know how it always takes two to tango).....more glory to YOU in the end! YOU are the one who will rise above all this, while he is stuck with NO movement towards a return to wholeness. And IF you know anything much about his relationship to his first wife (or even better, with his parents), that may give you lots more material from which you can see the baggage he brought to yours and his relationship.

Playing devil's advocate, I suppose you could even imagine (because you'll never really know if he never talks about it with you) that it was equally each of your faults. But even if that's so, there's one thing that's apparent. The two of you together did not make as healthy a couple as you likely each would have liked. That still would leave you with the same kind of inner work to do now, and you could still grow from it. But the good part would still be that you're DOING it, right now, already.

When my first marriage broke up long ago, I did 2 years of soul-searching, reading, investigating and some counseling, before the divorce papers were even signed (the imposed wait was part of the Family Act back then). The more I learned, the easier it was to see that although it was pretty obvious that my ex had what you could call (and many people DID!) WORSE and certainly more destructive problems than I, it was still the two of us together and our respective baggage that made for a really lousy combination. So, BOTH our faults, even if not quite equal. In the end, although I know I was much more committed to working things through, it was also obvious that he was not in the same space or as valuing of relationship as I was. Even more importantly, I believe I went through that marriage for spiritually GOOD and sound reasons for my soul. I've forgiven him his part in it and just feel good knowing I did more inner work that served me later on. His 2nd marriage sounded shakey to me all along despite all his (insufferable & dishonest ) bragging about it, and soon he left his 2nd wife, too. She was even more enraged than I'd been, which told me that he'd continued to deceive and probably even became 'better' at it. I remain convinced he was still as clueless as the day we first wed. And more dirty stuff came out about him years later. So I've counted my blessings MANY times - a big PHEW!! It forced me to learn and for all the anguish that marriage, and its break-up, caused me, I'm very grateful for the growth that resulted. It was also another stepping stone towards gaining more compassion, something I value so much now, even when it kills me! I'm never going to be perfect in this plane, and the growth will never end even when I'm gone from here, but at least I'm not in the same place, or the same person, that I was then....thank goodness!

So I hope you can find that hopeful place for the future, if not now, then later, after more pondering. You don't need to rush....all in good time....the perfect amount of time for YOU.

Oh, and btw, I did a tally, too, on who contributed what to our first house....AFTER my ex had continually blown all HIS money on various things (and at least one other woman!). It's NOT "nickel and diming". It's called "fair's fair"! And if I were in your shoes, I'd also find a better lawyer than the first one you spoke to! Make sure you actually LIKE them in some way, too. (or look into those new divorce companies that favour arbitration, rather than adversarial proceedings....IF he'll agree to that) Never mind what he thinks or doesn't think. Just think of what you need to do for yourself first. Anyone who's worth their weight as a friend isn't going to blindly accept whatever he has to say about you anyway. They'll check it out with YOU first.

Still snowing here, too. I'm beginning to think I'm living in the Swiss Alps!

Thanks F's mom - you had a lot of wise words for me there. It really helps.

Thinking more about things and my out frustrated reactions, although I could have been calmer at times, I certainly wasn't yelling my head off all the time. When I think about it more, the few times I did it was either because of sheer frustration of the problems and costs of building our extension - and that was nothing to do with x-H - just sheer expression of frustration! The other yelling or "enhanced" reaction was over things to do with not feeling heard. This started with a polite conversation. Then when no changes happened, I spoke a bit more adamantly, until at some point I did lose it. Again, it wasn't often, maybe 5 times during the last two years. But, as you said, looking at my own reactions is something I can also learn and grow from. Perhaps I wasn't facing the fact that I was being "diss'd" and thought he didn't hear me so I spoke louder! Recognizing that there was no movement could have perhaps put me in a place of truth much sooner. But I so believed he was wanting to work things out, because he seemed to agree with me. I can learn from this that actions do speak louder than words.

Also, with stuff about building etc maybe I needed to find a place to express my frustration but not express it to him. It was really, really frustrating at times - like I wanted to throw myself off a cliff, frustrating! I felt "safe" to express this to x-H because he seemed okay with it, wow wrong I was!! I was in a previous relationship of "walking on eggshells" and I thought it felt so good to be able to speak my truth. Well, I guess lack of reaction does not give me that permission! I do need to speak my truth, but perhaps more carefully in future. Also I would possibly spend some review time after, seeing how "my truth" affected them. There is probably more to learn in all this, but I guess that's why I'm here.

Thanks for sharing your story about your x-H too. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one to have gone thru this.

And I know I will find the least confrontational way of settling things about the property, being fair to us "both", as long as he agrees.

Someone said to me that it was best I not even listen to anything he says about me to others, and to even ask others not to tell me. Although it's tempting to know what's going on, it does just put me in a more upset headspace so that's probably good advice.

take care and thanks - sorry for being so self-absorbed but my whole body is in a state of crisis and disbelief. Facing my new "reality" is very disorienting.

You are all helping me stay grounded during this - thanks, thanks, thanks!

Jan.

Rosie

I could have sworn I heard you bark upstairs again a couple of hours ago...

Were you giving me another message? Or was it just my imagination... I'm sorry you were feeling so rotten for a long time and about all the stress here that I know you felt. I hope you know that I do love you and those last days were very hard... I think of you running and jumping with all your old dog friends and playing agility with your mom again. Hope you are having lots of fun... and you didn't forget to say hi to Merlin, Tiffany, Zita and Ziggy did you? I know Tiffany used to grab your tail and scratch you, but she can't hurt you now, can she? Tell them all I said hello and that I can't wait to see them again - we'll all have a wonderful reunion when the time comes...

lots of love my pixie..

Jan.

Today I feel such unbearable pain that I question my existence - why it is possible to go through so much trauma and loss to the point that there seems no more room for pain in my body. Not in a suicidal way - I could never do that to my dogs or my parents - but the pain won't stop and I don't know what to do with it. Life feels pointless. I wonder really, what have I achieved. All that I tried to do to create structure and boundaries for x-stepdaughter has been spit back in my face. x-H uses her to shield himself from me. x-H had SD phone me to tell me they couldn't make it to pick up some stuff- I was outraged that he would use her as his messenger.

It won't stop snowing here and where I live there are very few plows, which means I am stuck here. Yesterday I was bringing in firewood and shovelling, shovelling, seems like I make no mark. Then the dogs were getting in the way and stepping on my heels. I just couldn't bear it. I broke down. x-H would have done this before. How could he do this to me? I feel like I am truly broken inside; I don't think he could have done a more cruel thing to me.

I don't know if my parents will make it here for Xmas. There is just so much snow and the driving isn't safe. There is cleaning to do and working out of finances. But I just don't care.

I have spoken to so many friends on the phone, but I feel like I am just run dry. What can be said anymore... I just feel pure intense pain.

No-one can come here and I can't go anywhere. I feel isolated and alone.

Everything I tried to build - all the love I tried to give... everything seems wasted. I feel like my whole life was an illusion.

A couple of times today, and last night I thought I heard Rosie bark again. That bark was a sad bark - stuck on her little dog bed wanting something, but not knowing what. Where she slept, the whole room is now void of everything - both her and the furniture. The sofas are gone, the TV (except for the custom built cabinet made to fit x-H's huge set), there are limp wires where x-H made sure the wiring included surround sound.

How could he do such a cold hearted thing?

I look outside and it just keeps snowing and that makes me cry more. I think I can honestly say I have never felt so low in all my life.

Jan.

I wonder if she wasn't saying to you that she loves you so much and the sadness was also because she was all heart with you on that thought:

Sometimes we feel like we have run into a wall, when you see all the snow around you (it,s all around us too) it feels like these walls are closing in on you. It's just winter at its worst. Already the worst is over. You remind me of when I was at a low point in my life , by the time I met my husband(30) I didn't believe in ever being anything but single and had resigned myself to that but he managed to convince me to try again and we ended up raising two fine sons together.
Hang in there, this too shall pass. For now just concentrate on taking good care of yourself, get yourself some good food by cooking for all the family, make lots of soups and share with your furbabies, listen to music, it's so hard to shovel all that snow that as long as you are doing this for now you should rest for all the rest. I hope that you will start to feel better, it would make Rosie less worried about you, I am positive that this was the reason her bark was like that.

Hey Jan -----Thought I would check in today and I see that you are in the throes of unbearable anguish.First and most important I am glad that suicide is not an option for you.Not only would it devastate your human and animal family but from what I understand it voids any chance of a reunion with humans and animals on the other side.Apparently it pisses off God if we take our own lives.Having said that,I know the pointless-existence-nothing left feeling you are experiencing and this is a situation that can leave us no choice but to bear it until it passes.To me,there are times when no amount of prayer or faith seems to take the place of plain old pain and grit until time changes the situation and we grudgingly accept it.I have been aware of the dark-suicidal-nothing left feeling since I was 8 years old and when my parents started taking me to the shrink.As I write this,45 years later I still live in a perpetual(or at least about 90% of the time) place of darkness-sad-life is pointless-almost impossible to focus because I am thinking a thousand thoughts at a time- life of mere existence.To say I am mentally ill would be an understatement.While I am blessed to be with a beautiful,intelligent,deep thinking woman who for some reason agreed to be my wife 19 years ago,have every material thing you can imagine,career in full swing etc etc.......I still live in a place of never ending sadness.And when a tragedy takes place it is exascerbated as I don't ever REALLY get over things(mainly death) and the weight of grief seems to only compound as I get older.I am WISER but the pain mounts.As a person who has never met a pain relieving substance that was not fully embraced,I hate to say it,being an old hippie and all,that nothing really works except living with the pain and looking forward to the brief moments of respite when the body and mind can no longer take it and everything shuts down for a minute or so and there is a sense of release.Today is one of those REALLY bad days for me as I am re-experiencing Willy's death.On January 3rd it will be 4 months since he died and for the most part while I work and function in the world,it is one bloody inch at a time.Grief IS my constant companion.I cried out to God about an hour ago to just let me see Willy for just a few seconds.I prayed,I waited,I prayed again.NOTHING!!!!!!!!!All I want is a couple of seconds just so I can 'KNOW'.....NOTHING........This blind faith I have in God is all I have quite frankly.All I have is the 'HOPE' of a reunion with Willy and other loved ones here and on the other side and if I blow it by offing myself then it is REALLY over.One bloody inch at a time.One sort of ego-consolation in all this clutter is that I feel I have seen more that the average person will ever see and 'know' more than they will ever know.Most people,in my experience are about as deep as a bird bath and never really look beyond what is on sale at the mall or what stupid sports team is doing whatever this season(I am one of 12 males in the world who was born without the sports gene and to me,sports watching is a moronic waste of time).I think it was my certifiable insanity that lead me into a carrer in the arts.I want to say that I hope this blathering of mine has been helpful but it probably has not.Maybe knowing you are not alone in this 'aloneness' will be of some avail,I don't know.One thing we do know is that nature will eventually resolve this mess called life and this impermanent predicament we all share will come to a close...........I'll stay in touch if you want me to...............Bubba...............

Oh Jan-

My heart just aches for you when I read your post. I know how that feels... it is a terrible, terrible, low low feeling. I know what it feels like to feel like there is nothing but pain, pain, and more pain. At these moments, you have to just concentrate on the small little things that give you a tiny tiny bit of joy- your dogs wagging their tail, a cup of coffee, a bubble bath- anything to get you through. You have to take it one breath at a time. Just get through to the next.. and keep going. It's so important for you to do everything you can that will give you a little bit of happiness, although I know it feels like there is none. And it doesn't help that you are stuck there because of the snow... I am sure that only compounds you feeling terribly alone. You are not alone at all, and you are going to make it through this and be much happier than you ever were with ex-H. I know it seems impossible to believe, if someone would have told me that 6 years agos I wouldn't have thought it was possible.

We unfortunately have to go through these dark, dark moments to get to the other side. But the learning is process is such a total self-discovery. And we come out stronger people than we ever thought we could be, than we ever thought existed.

I hope you are feeling better and MAKE yourself do something really nice for yourself today...it can be anything, just make sure it's just for you!

Hang in there & HUGS
Ren, Zorro and Nemo's Mom

Hi Toonie. Maybe you are right. I know that Rosie was very aware of tension and sadness. She is maybe tuning into all my stress and sad feelings. I heard that bark twice today and yesterday too. Then it makes me aware of how empty that whole livingroom is. Not only is Rosie not there, but x-h spent most of his time there too. Maybe she is letting me know she is still around. It's funny because it always sound like it's coming from upstairs in that room. It could be just something that sounds like her, but sometimes for a day or two I don't hear it at all. It's the same bark I heard just before she was euthanized, and at the time I didn't know what time that would be. Maybe I can see it as some comfort from the spirit world that they know my sadness and are with me on some level....



I've downloaded a ton of music to listen to - it does seem to help a bit. And had lots of aromatherapy baths. Makes me feel less "cold" among other things. As for cooking, I just don't want to eat anything. I'm eating enough to survive on, but food just makes me want to wretch right now. But my furbabies are eating well. Poor babies, I get mad at them when I am trying to do things and they are getting in the way. I can't help thinking how I am their whole life now, whereas before it was me x-h and sd, plus an international student. The dogs seem so bored and I don't blame them. They are looking at me for entertainment. I was so desperate to get out that I spent an hour getting my car dug out from all the snow and they came with me for a car-ride (all 4 of them!) I picked up some pottery (from a class) that I made that had just been glazed and got some groceries. I rushed back because someone was going to come and plow the driveway but they didn't make it so I trudged thru the waist deep path back to the house. There was a cup in my pottery collection that I had made for x-h. It actually turned out nice. Well, now x-h won't ever see it. All these little things I had planned for him at xmas that won't happen. I had actually even have a Valentine's card that I bought ahead of time.

I am encouraged that you still met someone after giving up. This was my 3rd major relationship and I was convinced it was "it". The thing is I don't make the same mistake on my relationships, I seem to make entirely new ones! I hope there is still "hope" for me in relationships. Managing this large property on my own is a bit daunting. But I have to believe that there is a higher and happier path for me. Otherwise life is not worth living. I hope this is a crumbling of all that "is" so that what "will be" opens up a greater and more loving and open path for me.

Thanks Toonie again for your words of wisdom.

Jan.

Bubba - yes I want you to stay in touch! I feel like you understand depression. I too have had my fair share of it. I think those of us who look to life for greater meaning, struggle when meaning is difficult to find. Honestly, I ask myself, why would I ever have chosen to come to this painful, difficult place called earth? Was I nuts? The spirit world seems such a nicer place...

As far as suicide, I would not consider it, because I don't believe it solves anything. I think whatever worries or problems we have would just follow us to the spirit world. I think what you call your state of being "mentally ill" is instead a courageous, creative place that many never dare to probe. It is looking at the deep questions in life rather than living on the surface. I can't relate to those people you talk about who never go beyond "surface stuff" and I think often us who are tortured artists inside, are tortured only because we dare to look at the difficult truths that exist within us and in others. Maybe that's what scared x-h away? In the zodiac sign, I am a scorpio, not jealous, but definitely very intense. I just can't carry on doing mundane things without a sense of inner purpose. Oh yeah the laundry needs doing, but honestly, if I can learn something deeper by sitting quietly and not rushing into the mall or zoning out watching some mundane program on tv, well I prefer to see truth than avoid it with silly distractions.

You are so very lucky to have a wife of 19 years and to still be so adoring of her - well that speaks highly of you too! I'm sure in 19 years life wasn't all roses either, but you obviously stuck through it during the fun times and the hard times too, and her too.

I also know what you mean about praying for a sign and getting a big "zip" / nothing except the thoughts in your head churning all over the place. I asked for someone from "up there" to give me direction or a sign of the purpose of all this or what's to come. Nothing. But I think too that sometimes these signs are closer to us than we really realize. Like I wrote myself a note from Rosie's "mom" in the spirit world (x-h's previous wife) - trying to bring through her thoughts. Well I don't know if what I wrote was accurate, but there seemed to be some wisdom there. I think that sometimes these signs and inspiration are right within us, but it's like how we don't notice we are wearing clothes. We just forget to look and see, or listen and hear. Well, I'm sounding all wise and all-knowing, but really I know nothing. And the more I live the less I realize I know.

And yes, what you said was very helpful and it does make me feel less alone. Please stay in touch.

Jan.

Yes, it seems to come in waves. I had one of my worst waves this morning. Then I was talking to someone this evening and realized I just didn't want to talk about it anymore for awhile. But this morning I was in a total state of disbelief, just wanting things to go back to how they were, and wanting my illusion to be true.... I just wanted to crawl up in a ball and make the world go away.




Thank you and I do need to believe that I will be much happier. I have to keep that vision somewhere in my mind. And I have to also believe that the love I did give to x-h and to sd (who thought I hated her because I wanted some structure and boundaries for her) will in some small way make a positive difference, even though right now they have basically spat in my face. It is hard to be strong when two people turn against you in such a dramatic and forceful way. It's hard not to take that personally. But I just don't think there's much I could have done without going against my own integrity to "keep them". So I must accept what is...



Thanks Nemo's Mom. I have to come out stronger and not be beaten down by this. I think that anyone who does face grief and not deny it goes through an experience, that though very painful, but maybe strengthens us on a soul level. I think shoving it down kills us or kills our joy for life because we then have to run from it when the feelings come up, like x-h did... Like Toonie said the measure of our grief also reflects the measure of our joy - and shows us how much we opened our hearts up to loving. In loving there is always a risk. And life is fluid and there are always changes. I could have loved less and my pain would be less now. I can see why people do shut off their hearts, but I couldn't do that.

Thanks - I do appreciate all of your words.

It does make me feel not so "all alone" even in this suffocating weather. And I will try to get out again tomorrow even if it is just to get cat food.

Jan.