{{{{{{{Ann}}}}}}} Sure thing! Ut oh. Lookie over there. The sign says that spitting strictly Es ist verboten. See?



Awww. Tough noogies! I'm gonna hack up a biggun just for ya anyways. Heh!
Here goes ...




Woo Hoo! Didn't that feel better, Ann? You betcha!

Tons of Hugs and Love!!!

Your Pal Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Hi, Alex. Firstly, I wish with all my heart and soul to extend my utmost gratitude to everyone here at LS and the site owner. I get to come here each day and sometimes several times a day to speak with you, give you beautiful or funny pictures that you loved so much as well as posting the videos we watched together as you sat on my right shoulder, sometimes tried to sing along, other times laughed and/or made your happy sounds which I can still clearly hear in my memory and am able to imitate even though a year has gone by. Everyone here is so dear, loving, compassionate, empathetic, caring, supportive and they understand because they either have been there themselves or are there at this very moment suffering such devastation, pain, grief, sorrow, loneliness and even horror. God Bless each and every one here at LS Most Abundantly!!!

These next images and songs (well the same song but two different videos with images having great meaning to me) go out to all those organizations who have promised time and time again to get someone over here quick, fast and in a hurry since they know I am in a state of crisis. Even this morning, Mr. Johnson called me back again to see how I was doing. When I began to tell him in a very calm manner, he did one of those, "Ut oh. My cell phone is cutting out and needs recharging, Gotta go" things ... Just like all the others who have sworn to get someone over here.

Therefore, I dedicate this song and images to those people who are painfully aware that it will be one year within a few days that I last saw you, then last heard your sweet voice as you spoke with me on the phone then were finally murdered on October 16, 2007. Yes, my precious Alex. This is exactly how I feel about them and I sure wish they could see it. The first video is so perfect and pertains to you and me both my feather child. See all the birds? The second video is me. Yes, that is me. I am screaming out those words, too. But, it falls on those people's deaf ears just like: "The Sound of Silence."

Yah, me too. Hack away...

Jan.

Dottie

I wish I could find the right words of comfort for you.

I can only just say that justice and resolution for Alex and you is strong in my mind and that I send out my prayers and thoughts for your peace.

You may feel like I do today - I sometimes feel overwhelmed by a world that seems not to care about our animal friends or our deep attachments to them. I know this forum is the exception. In our neighbourhood, of all the posters I put out, I've had only one email response. Maybe I should have put my phone number down but my other pets are at risk too and the email address is generic.

I do believe there is a higher justice and resolution regardless of what you or I may be able to do.

The newspaper article about the dog shooting said that the shooter could only get $100 fine and that it would be unlikely to catch the person. It practically sounded like "go ahead, shoot more, we don't care." This sort of thing gets really discouraging. Also I'm making a complaint to the Vet Association about the vet's mistakes - the vet sent me a letter saying she did as much as she could for Ziggy. I wish that were true, but my own vet doesn't agree. Knowing this hurts so much and I just can't accept the sort of "too bad, so sad" attitude.

Well, I actually meant to write and try to cheer you up and I'm probably not doing that at all!

I think it is the belief in what we can't see (as Moonbeam said in one post) that we need to hold on to tightly. Not to say we give up on the physical world, but to somehow know that our connection to those unseen is far greater than we can know in our physical form.

I just keep thinking my little Ziggy will come around the corner of the room and sing me her beautiful purring song. The physical loss is such a difficult thing to come to terms with. We can't let it break us though.

So I'm also sending you the song I posted earlier.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itzG_hy1Vm8...feature=related

Angels

I sit and wait
does an angel contemplate my fate
and do they know
the places where we go
when we´re grey and old
´cos I´ve been told
that salvation lets their wings unfold
so when I’m lying in my bed
thoughts running through my head
and I feel that love is dead
I’m loving angels instead

and through it all she offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether I’m right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
I know that life wont break me
when I come to call she won’t forsake me
I’m loving angels instead

when I’m feeling weak
and my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
and I know I’ll always be blessed with love
and as the feeling grows
she breathes flesh to my bones
and when love is dead
I’m loving angels instead

and through it all she offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether I’m right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
I know that life won’t break me
when I come to call she won’t forsake me
I’m loving angels instead

and through it all she offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether I’m right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
I know that life won’t break me
when I come to call she won’t forsake me
I’m loving angels instead

PREFACE: If anyone is reading this, please do not feel any "need" to comment, advise, express sympathy in any form and yada, yada, yada. However, if anyone reading this can and is willing to share their own personal experiences regarding what I am about to write/describe or their own personal observations of others who appear to either be exhibiting these same symptoms or behavior, that would be most appreciated since I myself as well as others here could then benefit from that knowledge and sharing of information in order to know what to anticipate.

Thank you very much in advance and Many Bright Blessings!

Next: What is happening and possibilities as to the why.

I find that, as the one year anniversary of Alex being murdered nears closer and closer, PTSD is becoming worse and worse. Almost to the point of frightening but not quite yet. Still it is tremendously disturbing. However, and I may be wrong, I do anticipate these flashbacks to become either more frequent, more vivid, more terrifying, more like I am really there than (and not) where my physical body is as I relive what has happened ... Is happening again ... Many things that have happened since I was a toddler.

I base the above theory of my PTSD becoming far worse than it is now upon that which has happened several times in the past since I was a toddler to the present day.

I suspected I may be having a nervous breakdown, however upon careful scrutiny of all the symptoms of both nervous breakdown and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, it appears far more likely to be the later especially taking my own personal objective history into consideration as opposed to subjective history.

Writing about this at LS here and now appears to be of therapeutic (as well as cathartic) value in the respect that I am able to "vocalize" as well as focus and concentrate without all the racing thoughts and yada, yada, yada.

As far as myself, PTSD began when I was six years old and ... Oh crap. I pray to God and everything I hold Holy that what came next and for the extent of time never happens again to me and most certainly not to anyone who would not be able to handle the terrifying "events" which do occur unless they are in a padded room. Word. Me? I guess I was lucky or blessed or both.

Regarding present symptoms and behavior:

1. Flashbacks happening but not too disturbing at this point in time.

Important interjection: No. I have never done any sort of "mind altering" drugs nor medication which could cause flashbacks. That factor is of value to know.

2. Going longer and longer without any sleep. Not able to sleep. When trying to sleep, will close my eyes and as I begin to drift off into a sleep state will experience a very frightening and startling sensation throughout my body sort of like a massive adrenaline rush which, of course, snaps me back to wide awake and yada, yada, yada.

Will go up to 3 days but less than 4 days without so much as even closing my eyes for a nap. In other words, no sleep, no REM sleep. REM sleep or the REM state is very much needed. Why? We do not know but we do know what happens when deprived of the REM state and dang, it shore as hell ain't pretty. In fact, it's downright dangerous as hell. Fact.

3. Increasing feelings of extreme anxiety, not being able to eat and then going into times of feeling the need to eat something which is hopefully crunchy in nature. Going very comfortably up to 2 plus days with no food at all. This cannot be a good thing me thinks.

4. After I discovered that Alex was murdered, the flashbacks began at the point in time when I was six years old, accidentally killed my wonderful mother which is when the PTSD did begin. Before age 6, I was untroubled, very independent, cheerful, outgoing, happy camper and yada, yada, yada. After that, nightmares, night terrors (google that!), 'old hag syndrome' (google that!) and so much more and so much more and yada, yada, yada.

5. Then the flashbacks began to go forward in time but not necessarily chronologically in order pertaining to terrifying events which I either experienced and/or witnessed.

Fast forwarding: The flashbacks I am having at this point in time are all Alex. All Alex. At this point in time, I don't appear to be able to control these flashbacks and stop them from occurring. They just happen without any warning whatsoever.

At first, the Alex flashbacks were only one, two or three times a day. The frequency has increased, however the duration of the flashbacks are very brief. It is my opinion but not necessarily fact that the flashbacks are very brief due to myself being able to stop those flashbacks from lasting longer than a few seconds. But, those few second flashbacks sometimes occur several times in a row and in very quick succession (i.e in a continuous loop once every 0.1 seconds) and yada, yada, yada.

Does anyone out there comprehend what I'm trying to explain and can offer feedback as to either their own personal experiences or those of others such as in war time PTSD type stuff? What I'm trying my best to do is prepare myself (and others here) for what may or may not happen ...

This is what may happen: The Alex and/or other flashbacks may become very, very real as though I am there and not where I physically am. They may last for ... I do not have any idea how long. I doubt that I will have any mind control to stop them when they do happen and I "literally" (so to speak) am right there again, reliving it somewhat as one ...

I don't know how to describe it other than you are there again. Right there and it is happening, you're reliving it as though you are right there and right now (then).

I'll stop here for now. Does anyone have any experiences of their own or those of others which they can share in order to prepare myself and others to which this is or may be happening? If so and it is not too embarrassing (you can always "change the names to protect the innocent" ya know) or if it is not too painful to you, could you please share?

Again, Many Kind Thanks and Blessings!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

PS. Jan, I only just saw your responses as I did a "preview" of this post so will come back and chat.
God Bless You Most Abundantly!!!

You betcha {{{{{{{Jan}}}}}}} This is for you, my Dear Friend! Ready? Here goes . . .

Jan: "Dad Snab Uh Frab Ah Labul Lab Adabits!!! I could just spit!!! Patoooiiieeeee!!!"

Feel better, Sweet Loving Jan?

Tons and Oodles and Boodles of Love and Kisses!!!

Your Pal Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

OMG!!! {{{{{{{Jan}}}}}}} Be-U-Ti-Mus!!!

As for the rest . . .

Tons and Tons of Comforting Hugs and Winging Many Loving Angels to You and All Your Fur Babies!!!!

Ya know I luvs ya more than my luggage!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Hi Dottie, let me first say, that I love the visual effects you put in your posts. Because of the d.u.(dial up..so embassing) I cannot dowload those vidos without it taking 4days. but I do sing along with the songs in my head. The photos are so enjoyable, where you get them or how you do this baffles me. To you it's easy, but to us non computer people it isn't, but very enjoyable. In regards to your last question, I think it's just human nature to relive things as they approach or fall upon a memoriable date. Good or bad.. It seems with me Oct 8 will be 4mo, but I lost Arthur on a Sunday so since Sunday to Wednesday the part I relive the most is that last day, those last minutes. When I lost my Daisy I was so devestated I smoked like a chimmey, didn't eat much, took caffine pills during the day and sleeping pills at night(which I still do as I must have gotten hooked on them) was angry all the time. With Arthur there isn't anything I want to do remotely "fun". I don't like to watch movies, or shop, or listen to music, etc. There's alot that goes into all this, but I know in time I will be able to "accept" that he is gone and move on. I will never be pain free as I still 16yrs later am heartbroken over Daisy. But we learn from this I've found to do things a little different in the furture. With me it was cherishing Arthur every minute I was with him like it was the last time and I found that the 2yrs I've had him seemed a little longer because of it.. As we've all heard at one time or another "the answers we seek lie deep within ourselves". The way I feel is just tell us what thay are, damn it!.. goodnight Dottie and Alex..

{{{{{{{Anne}}}}}}} Tears and THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Dottie

I sent a couple of p.m.'s (one about dying to hear your interpretation about some of the songs I posted) and some other stuff. I'm not sure if the p.m.'s actually are going through because they don't show up in my outbox.

Can you let me know if you received a p.m. today/yesterday... just wondering if I'm actually sending them or if they are disappearing into never-never land.

take good care - I am thinking of you.

Jan.

On another note, I had a dream that symbolized that dark place where we go in grief.

It was completely black, just darkness. I could hear a dog barking and there were other people there but I couldn't see them. It was like a big black void. I'm sure this is what hell is.

I started a painting of my Ziggy today. I remembered some of the sweet things she and Zita did in talking to a friend. I could actually smile about her.

You will see your Alex again, I don't know when I don't know how, but I know that that connection of love never dies. Just know that Alex loves you as do so many others in spirit and on earth as well!

Jan.

Dearest Jan, I just checked my PM box and ... Nothing. I do believe it's full. Let me delete some. So sorry about that, Hon.

As far as that "darkness" or "dark place" ... No. It is not hell. It represents those things unknown ... Errr, I know I can explain it more completely but my mind is kinda like mush right now. Arg. I hope it makes sense to you that the "dark place" or "darkness" represents that which is not known to you. I'll elaborate further when and/or if my mind clears a bit. Otherwise, it may take a day or two for me to explain further.

Love You Soooo Much!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Editing: Of course the "dark place" where you go in grief is just that: DARK! Know what I mean? More Hugs!!!

Dearest Alex, where I am on this big blue marble we call earth, it is now October the 11th. The last day I ever saw your beautiful loving self and kissed you as they took you away from me and ... "The plans they made put an end to you." It surprises the heck out of me that I ain't screaming with horror, crying hysterically and . . . You see . . .

Thoughts of you being In The Arms of the Angels bring me so much Peace. Well, at this moment in time anyway. Alex, I mean to tell you that I searched through at least 35 to 45 different videos of this song to find the one with the images I want you to have. So very beautiful! All the other videos I watched had such sad, sad, pictures and images. I sure don't want that for you especially since you're where you are, happy, healthy, talking, singing, laughing, having tons of fun with lots of pals.

This song sure does hit home for me too though. Talking about that "dark cold hotel room" where they took me while doing to you what they did. That sure does fit what happened. And the line that goes: "And everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back." Holy crap. Did the composer of this song know? I mean ... Dang!

I sure hope you love the picture I chose of the Angel with birds there in Heaven where you are, Alex. And now the song with lovely images as I wish you Eternal Joy, Love, Peace and Ooodles and Boodles of Fun! Fun! Fun!

In the post right after this one, there's a special prayer I've been saying. You know how St. Francis of Assisi is my favorite for all he is and does as the Patron Saint of Animals. So, I chose images for that prayer that I was fortunate enough to find as a song. Please join me in singing it, okay? But first this one My Most Loving, Blessed, Sweet, Dear Alex Feather Child!!!

Dearest Alex, won't you please join me in this Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi? Oh, it's called "Prayer of St. Francis." I am trying so hard, Alex. Honest and for true.

Sending Dottie and Alex lots of love and hugs your way today Oct 11. .You two will have the happiest of happy reunions one day.. Ann

{{{{{{{Ann}}}}}}} Ya think so? Hey! I Believe!
And, he's still here, too!

Tons of Hugs! And Lotsa Love!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox