Hello there

I hope no one minds me posting, I am from the UK so I don't know what time this will reach people in the States. I have read all the posts on here since last Monday, when I had to put my baby girl to sleep. I have cried along with you and have only just got the courage to post something myself. Putting her to sleep was the hardest thing I have had to do in my life, and I have been through some tough times. I can't stop crying and I feel so alone. Marilyn was one of two sister chis that I have had since they were weeks old. She was 15, would have been 16 on 1 October. She was beautiful, the sweetest and most caring little dog. She was with me through relationship break ups, several house moves because of them and horrible neighbours. In 2005 I lost two babies, in January and July. Marilyn would lie on my tummy when I was pregnant, kissed my tears away when I was sad and was always, always there. Never judging, never saying cruel stuff like so many men have done and not minding when I cried and cried over losing my babies. When I was pregnant she wouldn't let me take a bath alone, she would scratch at the door til I let her in so she could check I was OK. I had to have baths with the door open from then on...

I have spent most of the last 15 years alone, a succession of rubbish relationships meant it was just me and my two girlies. I am sorry for going on and on, I don't even know if this makes sense but i am sobbing so much I can't see properly. Life feels empty, I still have her sister Chi Chi and a rescue dog called Betty but the balance in the house is wrong. Two bowls instead of three, one less dog bed, I am sure you know what I mean. My partner has been really good but I feel I am being such a burden to him. He doesn't really understand and only knew her for just over a year, though he did love her. I am in such a mess, I feel dead inside and my heart is broken. Thank you for reading this, just typing it helps. Any advice as to what to do to stop the pain, or when it gets better would be so appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this everyone and I am sorry for your losses too. Hal, I read all your posts and was in bits, you wrote so beautifully and I could totally relate to what you went through. Thank you once again - meens xx

I'm so sorry for your loss of Marilyn. I know what you mean about the balance being off... I have the same thing here. I lost my Angel kitty one week ago today. I have two other little boy cats at home and it's weird just filling up two food bowls and not three now. The three used to always hang out in the living room with me at night - one boy on each couch and Angel on the throw rug... now it's just the boys. I totally relate. I still cry every day. It still hurts so bad. I don't know if it gets less painful to be honest with you. It's so hard losing a friend that's been with you for so long and through so much. My girl was with me 16 and a half years... since I was 16 years old. Half my life. Sounds like your Marilyn was there for a lot of your life too. Please post some pictures of her. I'm sure everyone here would love to see her. Take care.

Dear Meens,

Your story of Marilyn, expressed with such loving words, touched my heart deeply this morning. I can relate to what you are feeling only too well. The deep pain and grief you are feeling as a result of losing Marilyn hits me right in the most tender part of my own heart. I am so sorry for what you are now faced with in having to work through this grievous and most sad time of your life.

When Goliath passed away so suddenly and unexpectedly just last November, my world ended the way I knew it. My other chihuahua, Gidget, mourned just as I did. Our worlds had been turned upside down and the grief and sadness about killed both of us, as well as my husband. It wouldn't have mattered if I'd had a houseful of chihuahuas, because there was nothing that could ever replace the warmth of Goliath's presence and the difference he made by being here. I too have suffered many hardships and losses during my lifetime; but none ever put me completely out of commission like his death did.

Over time I came to realize that even though my life had ended the way in which I knew it, another way of life had begun. I was forced to learn to live in a completely different way. When I say completely, I mean completely because everything my hubby and I did included both of our furrykids. Continuing activities that we all loved to do together was very difficult for all of us. All those "firsts" without having Goliath with us were challenging to say the least. But in each "first", we found ourselves taking one more babystep toward healing.

The long walk down the road of recovery is not easy; but, there is hope and inspiration found along the way. I realize today that Goliath's love lives in me and all around me. Our hearts were bound from the day we met, never to be separated in this world or another. I will love Goliath til the day after forever.

The gift Marilyn left you when she left with the angels, are the many happy memories you and she made together. Bodies may persih, but loving spirits never die. Her loving spirit will be with you always.

Much love from my heart to yours,
Beth

greetings meens,

yes your post did make it here, the only thing might be that while you sleep people will be posting and vice versa. please accept my deepest condolances, i am in tears over your story. it hit right where i still hurt, the loss of a friend who saw it all, the changing of even mundane routines, the deafening absence and although you said your partner loves marilyn, i think you know what i mean when i speak of the special burden of being the only one who really knew and loved them. others knew and liked my oliver, including live in exes, however he was mine and mine alone, and i was the only one who knew and loved him, and reaped from the lover personality he possessed. he along with my others represent my entire adult life, as soon as i came back from college, i got an apartment and got cats. to have that not be anymore will hurt in ways i cannot even fully think about.

can't say it ever gets better, other's have said that it gets different and i would say that is a fair description. i am three months into my loss, and while the crying has subsided (not stopped entirely though), the agony has yielded to resigned acceptance. late into month 2 was a markedly calmer time for me. really though, losing him was the worst time of my life. i don't expect for that to only take weeks/months to heal, more likely years. this is the worst part of pet ownership. i can remember grumbling about the box and his stinky doo being the worst, what i wouldn't do now to have that be my "worst" complaint. i'd smile and sing like mary poppins everyday while cleaning it to have him back.

you have come to a great place for this, everyone listens and everyone knows your ordeal because they too are somewhere on the same path. details differ, but the stories are identical because "i lost someone i loved." it will be raw and fresh for awhile, but that does subside and you adjust (however unwillingly) to the new life. sounds so cliche and i hate it, but the only remedy is time. you have others at home, i rely heavily on mine, just loving and appreciating every single day that they are here. i have come away with a new understanding that it can happen whenever without warning, especially as they age, so i've got to make the most of every single day. take care, and come here everyday if need be, i know i did.

sarah (oliver's mama)

Thank you starbellied and beth for taking the time to reply to me. Your words were beautiful and inspirational and set me off crying all over again. I am so touched you took the time to reply. I didn't think it was possible to ever cry this much. If it wasn't for you two I don't know what I'd do, my boyfriend has just left the house to see his mum and dad, to be honest I don't think he could handle being around me. I fear this will put a strain on our relationship, me being so down. I am feeling really alone and life feels so empty and pointless. Sounds silly as I know I have Chi and Betty here but in some ways that makes the loss even more painful, I keep looking at Marilyn's favourite bed and its empty... God how I miss her. I wonder where she is, and whose looking after her. Do they know she liked those special tickle-under-chins, are they giving her the home cooked diet she loved and does she know how much I miss and love her?

I am sat here on my own in the lounge, the sun's shining outside but I haven't got the energy to do anything, so unlike me, I'm normally always on the go. I wanted to beg my boyfriend not to go out but that would have been selfish and yet I can't cope with being alone at the moment, I told him that but he still went.

Tomorrow (Monday) will be a week to the day she was put to sleep. It was the hardest thing I will ever do. I was on my own in the vets and as soon as he looked her over, and said to me, very gently "I think you know, don't you?" I broke down. Yes I guess I did know, I'd spent the day before cuddling her and telling her how much I loved her, I helped her wobble out to the garden to go toilet - bless her she never messed in the house. But she wouldn't eat the dinner she loved so much and when she drank water it made her throw up. So in my heart I knew. When you have had an animal in your life that long, when its just you and them, you know. You know every sound they make, every look they give you, you and only you know exactly what it means. Because they are part of you.

The Monday morning she seemed a little better, she woke up, had a wee outside and came in. Then - and I know now why she did it - she went out again, went slowly all round the garden, the whole way. She was having a last look at it, I realised after. Them old eyes didn't see too well but that cute little nose still worked, she sniffed the flowers and the soil and the lovely country air. I moved up out of London just over a year ago, to the countryside. Finally I could work part time, spend more time with my dogs like I'd promised them all their lives. I wish I'd done it years ago, they deserved that and I'm so sorry I didn't.

I rang the vet at 8.45am, to be told they didn't open til 9. "An extra 15 minutes" I thought. I sat on the chair with her in the conservatory, I cooched her to me and kissed her soft little head and told her how much I loved her. I didn't want to get up, I wanted time to stand still. I heard the church bell toll 9, I rang the vet. He told me to come in and I picked her up and we walked down the road (I can see the vets from the top of my road). We passed people in cars and workmen drilling the road. I was aware, but not aware. We checked in, sat quiet and waited our turn. It was a vet and vet nurse I hadn't seen before there but they were both wonderful, so kind and caring. I cried and cried though I didn't want Marilyn to feel my sadness, it was impossible. The vet said she had probably had a stroke, and she wouldn't get better. I'd promised her I wouldn't let her suffer, and now it was time to keep that promise. I asked if I could stay with her to the end, he said "Of course, you're her mum and she needs you". They gave me some time with her beforehand, I remember thinking it would never be long enough, and to try and think of the right things to say to her so that she knew how much I loved her. But I was sobbing so hard the words came out all wrong. I hope you understood Marilyn, I really do sweetheart.

Then they came back in and it was time. He talked to her even though she was deaf which I thought was so sweet, he told us what would happen. I remember him gently taking the clippers to her tiny front leg. All the while I was holding her tight to me. I watched the needle go in and he said "tell her what a good dog she was". She flinched a little as she was so tiny the vein was hard to get at, but she was as always, so brave. I told her she was a great dog, and I loved her so much and was going to miss her ... and the vet said "she's gone". I never even felt her slip away. I was shaking I was crying so hard, but I remember the nurse cuddling me and being so grateful for that. I think I'd have fallen over otherwise. We laid her on the table and again they let me have some time with her. I stroked her tiny body, I felt each one of her perfect little feet, and stroked her pretty apple head. Desperate to remember every little bit of her. When they came back in I cut a lock of her tail hair and from her ruff, they brought an envelope to put it in. He wrote her name on it. I'd already told him I wanted a private cremation for her, so I knew I had to leave her behind. Which killed me. "Look after her, please look after her" I said it over and over. I lay my head on her side and said "Thank you for being there when no one else was". Because she had been. And I turned and left her.

The vet kindly gave me a big wad of that blue hand towel stuff to wipe my tears and walked me to the surgery door. By now the waiting room was busy, full of people with healthy, big bouncy dogs, just coming in for their jabs, or a torn paw or the like. They must have seen me, crying my heart out but unable to stop. So much for the British "stiff upper lip". I mumbled something to the vet about paying, he just said "Later". And then I walked home, passed the cars and workmen, still drilling, sobbing into the blue hand towel. Holding an empty collar and lead and an envelope with "Marilyn" written on it.

I got home and cried like I had never cried before, from the bottom of my lungs and beyond. The hurt and loss were a physical pain, well you feel it when your heart breaks. I remember Betty coming up to me wagging her stumpy tail slowly with her sad rescue dog expression. And Chi opening one grumpy eye to look at who woke her from her sleep. They were there, but I was alone.

I sat down in the same chair as I had earlier that morning, when I'd held my precious girl to me. Now I sat with just her empty collar and lead and the envelope in my hand. Fifteen, nearly sixteen years we were together. Crying and crying. The church bells tolled 10am. One hour, that's all, yet my life will never be the same again.

Goodbye for now Marilyn, I love you, my beautiful angel. Thank you for being there when no one else was.

From your mum, who loved you so very much ***

Thank you Sarah also for your reply. I didn't realise you had sent it til I'd sent my follow up to beth and starbellied. I am so touched that you and the others have taken time to write to me on the other side of the world. I didn't think a tiny chihuahua would matter so much to anyone other than me. I smiled through my tears at you grumbling about cleaning the pet box - I felt the same when I went round the garden with my little poop shovel and realised there were no Marilyn poops to clean up... I don't know what I'd have done if I found one, but I wish I had. Yes you are so right when you say it is raw. I now look at her sister Chi, or Big Fat Grumpy Chu as she is also known as and wonder - how long has she got? She was the one who aged quicker, her arthritis played her up til I put her on glucosamine (a mini miracle) and she has a heart murmur too. I loved them both equally but Marilyn was the sweet, soft, undemanding one. Chi was, and is, demanding and will only give kisses when she feels like it. A real diva. Marilyn would kiss my tears away for as long as I could bear it - I wish she was here now to do just that as I have never cried so much.

As you say they are such a huge part of your life for all those years. They were the only constant in all of it. Last thing I'd see at night, first thing I'd see in the morning. No matter how broke I was, they were fed and loved even if it meant I went without. My friends thought I was mad, feeding them a home cooked diet when I survived on toast!

Its so hard accepting they've gone isn't it? I keep expecting the pitter patter of her paws on the kitchen floor, or the way she'd trot over to see me just to see I was OK before going back to her favourite beany bed. I miss the smell of her on my dressing gown (think you guys call it a housecoat?) where I'd cooched her for the last time. I hated myself for washing it. I miss having the two of them to groom (my partner brushes our rescue dog Betty). Chi was always done first as she was grumpy and didn't like, Marilyn always last cos she was so obliging and didn't even mind her teeth being cleaned.

No matter how bad things got, they were my reason for getting up in the morning. Many times I felt like chucking it all in, but I couldn't, cos they needed walkies and feeding and loves. I'd give anything to have her back, as I'm sure you would Oliver.

Thank you for replying, and most of all, for understanding

meens x

Dear meens, please permit me to extend to you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your precious Marilyn. Your posts are so loving and I've been reading them with tears in my eyes feeling your pain and sorrow and loss. Euthanasia is never an easy decision to make, but it is the last gift of love we can give to our furkids - - at great sacrifice to us - - so that they can go home to the angels in heaven's perfect garden with their dignity still intact. Only us, as their caregivers and guardians, can give that gift of love to them. How well I know that feeling of total emptiness even when there are other furkids in the household. The loss of a beloved furchild is as devastating as the loss of a loved human family member or friend. Your Chi and Betty will also grieve the loss of Marilyn, but in their own way, and they will need your love and comfort, as you will need them. Marilyn is now healed and playing with the angels until it is your appropriate time to resume your rightful place with her. It is good that you are crying, meens, because your tears are healing tears. Some people hold their grief inside, and this is not healthy for them - - physically or emotionally. When my Eli died almost 2 years ago it was several weeks before I could get through a day without my heart sobbing - - gut wrenching sobbing - - the drive to and from work, and thank goodness there was the restroom where I could have a few moments of privacy to let go enough so that I could dry my eyes and regain some composure so that I could proceed with my job. And waking up in the middle of the night - - sobbing. It was good that I had a job to go to so that my other furkids didn't have to listen to mommy crying all the time. But eventually, this horrible pain does ease, and now when I think of Eli I find a smile coming to my heart - - sometimes a little tear to my cheek - - but I know now that Eli's sweet living Spirit is still with me in my heart and my memories, and I hope someday you will also feel this comfort with your Marilyn. Our relationships with our furkids when they precede us from this side of eternity has only temporarily changed to a different dimension - - they never really leave us, even though we don't have the privilege of their precious physical presence. We are now their living legacy, and they want us to be happy in treasuring their memories and the cherished time we had with them. Our time with our furkids is never long enough - - an eternity with them is never long enough - - but that is our hope as we look forward to being reunited with them in heaven's perfect garden. But for now each minute, each hour, each day feels like an eternity of absence and emptiness and lonliness. We are here for you for as long as you need us, meens, to help you through this agonizingly painful grief journey. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Peace and blessings,

moon_beam

Dear moon beam

Thank you for your post. The words were beautiful and I will read them over and over again. I feel so alone except for you and the kind people on this site. My partner has gone out for most of the day, I feel angry at him for not being there for me and worrying more about his car. I don't think he can cope with seeing me so upset, I fear it may even drive him away but he wasn't with me for nearly 16 years through thick and thin. It is going to take a long time to heal, my head's all over the place, I can't eat and I can't sleep without dreaming about her.

But at least I know here is a place where people understand and I don't feel ashamed or stupid to grieve. Thank you so much x

I am so sorry for your loss. It is the hardest decision we ever make and while we know it is right for them, that doesn't make it hurt any less for us. When I made the decision in the emergency room about my Little Guy, I just broke down and cried hysterically...which is the reason I can't be present with them. But I am only a few feet away.

The more recent the loss, the more intense and devastating is the pain. And although we share the same pain..people can handle their grief differently. Maybe that is why your boyfriend does what he does...it is his way of coping...and, he doesn't know how to make you feel better...maybe because he realizes that just can't happen anytime soon..there is too much pain.

All the pain and crying and feelings that grief produces are very normal. My boy was with me for over 16 years..in fact he was born in my backyard in 1991 to a feral cat. So I am all he has ever known and he was a very big part of my life.

Everything is so overwhelming at first...the crying, the pain, missing them so much it physically hurts...this again is all normal.
We try to do what makes us feel better to do...whether it is crying or venting our thoughts and feelings...and that is why this forum is so good to vent thoughts and feelings...because whatever you say is understood here by the people who really care.

You have started your thoughts here in your topic. Please keep posting here so we know where to find you and respond back.
When you are ready, maybe you could post a picture of your baby. Pictures eventually are what make us smile again..when we remember that the picture was a good memory in time. But at the beginning...sometimes all we can do is cry and cry again until we are exhausted.

It takes time to help fade a lot of the sadness in the background and allow us to go on with a normal life...or as normal as it can be without our very special one. I'm glad you have other furbabies to hug....that does help. There is no substitute for Marilyn but when we have other ones looking at us, not understanding what happened but knowing that something did happen,
it can help to hug them when we cry.

The pain will never go away completely but in time it is less intense. Even then...we can have a day it overwhelms us again..and we deal with it the best we can. The pain is missing them and since we will never stop missing them...we can never completely get rid of the pain. But time helps us heal the best we can.

I wish you peace and healing. Post here your thoughts and feelings. You can even write a letter here to Marilyn, it is a way of talking to her (many of us have done that).

Take Care...and know here you will never be alone.

Judy

Meens,
You've come to the right place for support during this difficult time. So sorry to hear about your loss of baby girl, Marilyn. I, too, recently, lost a real sweetheart in my life on June 12th. I know the feelings you are dealing with right now. It's going to take time. One day at a time. Whatever you feel and however long you feel it, it's ok. It been almost two months since I lost my little "Zoe". Although I only had her for two years, it was the best two years of my life. I am so empty inside and completely lost without her. Let the tears flow when you feel it. It is a part of the healing process. Tears still come easily when I think of my Zoe. These precious fur babies are so wonderful in our lives, we really don't know what to do or how to function without them, not being able to sleep, eat, and focus on our responsibilites is tough when our loss is so new. It's been two months and I think of her all day, everyday. She was my first puppy love. She left me with some wonderful gifts in life, that I never knew before I met her.
Please feel free to tell more stories and post pictures of Marilyn (when you feel you are ready).
Take care and hang in there ~ you're not alone.
Cyber hug
Deanna

Hi Meens, I'm so sorry for for losses. Your Marilyn sounds like such a sweetie.

My dogs were like my kids to me, since I am physically unable to have children. I just had to put my beloved golden retriever to sleep July 25th. I lost my border collie four years ago. Now, through cir%%stances of life, I cannot have another for quite some time. It's just unbearable.

This site does help a lot, so come here and post. Like you, I have a partner who really isn't that affected by losing the dog. Some people just aren't pet people I guess.

BTW - I'm not in the States myself either. I'm a Cannuck! :-)

Dear Judy

Thank you. There aren't enough words to thank you, and everyone for their kind words. I don't know how I wouldve got through the last few days. People here are so wise, so caring and kind. I can't imagine how devastated you must have been losing your Little Guy. But you have found the strength to somehow carry on and I take comfort that maybe, one day, I will too. You are a brave lady and so kind to take the time to post. When I feel alone and the grief comes crashing over me, I will read yours, and everyone else's posts and thank God for people like you. When I feel stronger I will post some pics, right now it is still too painful but I will. My desktop wallpaper is her and her sister. I wish I could climb into my laptop and be with her, frozen in time. There is a box of photos in the loft from when they were pups and over the years, when I feel stronger I will go up and find them. Thank you for being there.

You said:

My desktop wallpaper is her and her sister. I wish I could climb into my laptop and be with her, frozen in time.


I had to smile at that. My desktop wallpaper is my Little Guy lying on top of a couch looking right into the camera. I
always think...that was there when he WAS here and I don't want to give IT up like I had to give him up.

But what I like best is..I always say.... When I turn my computer on in the morning and see him...I can smile at him and say Good Morning...and when I turn it off later...I can say Good Night. There is something special for me about being able to do that. I look into his eyes and it's as though he were with me...just a little bit.

I thought it might be too sad to have him there but I find...it is really comforting to know I have him somewhere where no one can hurt him with disease and no one can take him away from me anymore.

Sometimes it may seem our thoughts can sound a little silly on typing them but anything that makes us feel better can never be silly and that's why it is easy to tell others their thoughts are never silly or "corny".. as one wondered.

Remember....it takes time...a lot of time that we have to fill as best we can...and it passes by.

One Mom here said something that is a favorite of mine..she said:
The pain of losing her will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing her.

Words..I live by. Words..that help me a lot. Words..that are so very true.

Hugs and healing are my wishes for you.
Judy

Dear Deanna

I read your posts the day I had my Marilyn put to sleep and I cried and cried for you. Thank you for taking the time out from your grieving to post a reply to me. Westies are such sweet dogs, there are several around here and I think of you when I see them. I help out a local dog rescue/shelter in my spare time and three westies came in this week, found dumped on a rubbish/garbage tip. Mum dad and daughter, they are so loving and sweet despite all they have been through. People can be so cruel but we can take some comfort that we loved our animals during their all too short lives and did our best by them. Zoe was beautiful and had the bestest mum in you x

Dear Steph

I am so sorry for your losses.

I know exactly what you mean about dogs being like kids to you, I went through two miscarriages in 2005. I was very poorly many years prior to that and the doctor said I would might conceive OK but struggle to carry full term. His words came back to haunt me. So my dogs were like my kids to me too, they are my babies and I don't care that people with children don't understand or think I'm stupid. I know many people (not here obviously) are thinking "she was just a dog" but she was more than that to me, as yours were to you. I only wish people were as loving, caring and permanently so as our animals are to us.

I googled Cannuck - forgive my ignorance. Does that mean Canada? We have a Cannock in Staffordshire in the UK but I don't think you mean that!

Thank you for your words, they have helped me so much x

Thank you Judy - and mine for you too
Ameena

There will come a time when you will become able to close your eyes and once again be frozen in that moment as you think of Marilyn. When things creep up on me and cir%%stances I'd rather not be faced with, I close my eyes and think of Goliath and all he taught me about living a good and honest kind of life. There is so much I can smile about when I think of him. He really is a dedicated messenger of God's..........both here in this world and also continues to be from Heaven.

Take your time with looking at photos....there is no hurry because they aren't going anywhere.

When Goliath & Gidget were just puppies I started a scrapbook because I knew I would not be able to keep them forever.....It took me over two months after Goliath passed away before I could even look at it. When I finally did though, my eyes rained tears that I thought would never stop. When I finished, I had the most peaceful feeling than I had experienced since Goliath's death. My heart was comforted with love in remembrace.

Each day comes one at a time and it takes alot of tears and soul searching when walking through the pain and grief. Marilyn is still by your side even you feel alone. Your partner will come around in time.....don't worry about him right now. Marilyn's death has the environment all of you once knew in an emotional mess right now. Each of you will find a way to cope with that. Stay here with us where you have the opportunity to take an amazing and rewarding journey in finding peace, joy, and laughter in your life again.

Much love and comfort,
Beth

Take your time with looking at photos....there is no hurry because they aren't going anywhere.

When Goliath & Gidget were just puppies I started a scrapbook because I knew I would not be able to keep them forever.....It took me over two months after Goliath passed away before I could even look at it. When I finally did though, my eyes rained tears that I thought would never stop. When I finished, I had the most peaceful feeling than I had experienced since Goliath's death. My heart was comforted with love in remembrace.

Beth - what a good idea and how I wish I had done the same. Sadly for many of the years I never had a camera, I guess I (stupidly, I know now) took for granted they would always be around. So there are gaps in the photos - but not in my mind. I keep remembering the funny and sweet things she did. I must keep a journal, I don't want to forget.

Each day comes one at a time and it takes alot of tears and soul searching when walking through the pain and grief. Marilyn is still by your side even you feel alone. Your partner will come around in time.....don't worry about him right now. Marilyn's death has the environment all of you once knew in an emotional mess right now. Each of you will find a way to cope with that. Stay here with us where you have the opportunity to take an amazing and rewarding journey in finding peace, joy, and laughter in your life again.

I am concerned my partner will not be able to stick me being so down and will leave. He deals with things differently and says I should focus on the positives but I feel so lost and just sit quietly staring into space. I can't help it, I need to grieve, I feel so empty inside. It would be disrespectful to Marilyn to pretend everything is OK and pretend to be happy and bubbly again. I know she doesn't want me to be sad but its not even been a week. Tomorrow will be hard, a week to the day of losing her. Still can't believe its real.

Your Goliath was a fantastic little man, his photos are just great. I hope one day I will find a little of the strength you have Beth - thank you.



Much love and comfort,
Beth
[/quote]

This is where the time difference is awkward. Its nearly midnight here so I must go and try and get some sleep. I am exhausted but don't feel tired. I am scared I will dream bad dreams of her again, there have been some awful ones, I am sure this is normal but still seems so cruel.

I will be thinking of you all and your babies. Thank you all for reaching out to me from across the other side of the world and helping me get through today...

I am sorry about the dreams. I didn't have that. I know that here in the forum...Havana (Jorge) lost his best canine friend, Buster at the end of June and he has a hard time sleeping but I think it is getting somewhat better. You might want to read his topic....I think you will find there a lot of his thoughts may be like some of yours. He expressed himself very well.

I rarely have bad dreams and when I do I found it is because I have my subconscious fighting my conscious mind and one time I realized it was cause I felt I lost control of my life...that others were planning my life for me...and so I made a conscious effort to take back control..at that time by starting to saying "No" to things I didn't want to do..and my nightmares left.

I still think there is a battle between the 2 parts of the mind...whether it is one part letting go and the other not wanting to let go....I don't know.

It might help to tell yourself over and over...the right thoughts. Like why you had to make that decision. What you saved Marilyn from going through. I just tell myself that when it is their time to leave us...it will happen...we can't stop it..and that to me is a fact I accept. I don't like it but I can accept it. Because then I realize that if they were meant to be with us longer, the vet would have found a way to help them and it would work. But when it comes down to no cure, no quality of life, and nothing good physically to hope for...there is only one answer. And so, I can look at pictures of my boy and say I am sorry but I remember he was all of a sudden really suffering and I could not allow that to happen to him. I didn't want to make the decision just as you didn't want to but we did it because we love them more than ourselves and so we couldn't keep them here for ourselves when we knew it was time.

So I say I am sorry when I think of my boy..but it was something beyond my control, beyond the vet's control, and that meant it was my boy's time to leave.

I can feel relieved he doesn't have to suffer anymore...or start to suffer worse when there is no help. I guess all that helps me sleep with my decision. There is no way I can question was it right because it was 1000% right.

Think of the gift of peace you gave Marilyn. You were blessed, as I, with many years (never long enough) of having them as part of our lives...happy, healthy times that we would never trade for avoiding this pain and sad time. Think about it all and tell yourself what you know to be true and reassure yourself there was nothing else to do. It was taken out of your hands.

I hope some of these suggestion about thinking helps and that you can realize just how much you actually helped your girl and know that she knows that too and so your dreams should be peaceful because that's what hers are now...peaceful.

And I read again above how looking at her empty bed hurt.. I can't do that. The pain is too much. I put everything away that looks like it is waiting for my baby...until a time way in the future I can look without intense pain. And, in some cases, dishes and things were used for new ones who came into my life when I was completely alone. I have everything that belonged to my special ones over the years...except them. I never throw it away but I pack it away and if some new baby can use it, I know my special one would not mind.

Hugs and sweet dreams. Marilyn is a very beautiful Angel who is watching over you as you sleep...so you never are alone.

Judy