Today was a rough day. I picked up Oliver's urn at the engravers and cried as soon as she handed it to me. It looks beautiful. I put his name, dates and "mama will always love you" on the plate. Then, I went home and placed him in it. I pretty much haven't stopped crying/hurting, 6 hours later. I miss him so much everyday, all the time, it literally feels bottomless. Sometimes, I look at pictures of black and white cats, although I am not really sure why. It's bizarre, I look for him knowing they aren't him, but when I see a resemblance (especially one white and one black eye), I hurt. I know they aren't him nor ever will be, but it's like I search for him on auto pilot, knowing that it's in vain and anything even similar is going to hurt something awful.

The other day I turned the corner in my kitchen and noticed that all the cabinet doors weren't open. I was suddenly shocked that they haven't been all month. Then I walked into my room and just stared at the $4 garage sale table that he loved to attack for no reason. Claw marks all over the legs but no him anymore to add to it. Sometimes, especially after another "never see this again, " this anger surfaces that makes me want to materialize time so that I can strangle it for marching on. I'm so generally mortified and worn down, today I seriously wanted to back over a guy in the parking lot and peel out on his face for being rude and invading my space in line at the grocery store. Nothing is ever fun, I only pass the time.

After the traumatic cabinet episode, I started jotting down a list of things/stories as they come to mind. It's too painful to actually hand-write about it yet, but I don't want to forget a thing about him. Coming here helps with that too, many stories make me think about Oliver because he did this/that too, just like your babies. Some of the stories read like I could have wrote them myself.

I just wanted to talk about wanting my Oliver back. Whoever thought that three little words, I miss you, could have meaning with such intense and ongoing sadness attached? I love my Oliver.

I understand only too well the kind of missing you have described without Oliver. It's as though the world stopped and all meaning in life has vanished after one so loved has passed away. We wind up feeling lonely, empty, and without purpose in life. Our happy and content lives we lived with our furbabies has been completely turned upside down and it seems as though nothing will ever be upright ever again. Just like you I found myself very intolerant of others who displayed insensivitve or rude behavior. But I also realized my emotions were ultra sensitve for quite a long time after Goliath passed away.

Over time I found that the more I allowed myself to feel and remember all the good things Goliath brought into my life and heart, slowly but surely the deeper hurtful kind of pain left me. The happy memories are what they leave behind when they pass from this world to another. Oliver's memories can never be taken from you. They belong to you and will for the rest of your days here on earth.

I too wish I could have Goliath back in my arms again. But I know that isn't possible. His spirit though is very much alive in me and all around me. After reaching a point of being able to accept Goliath's death, I found a way to cope and find a way back to a happier way of living. It took me a long time though to see and feel the world around me. Mending a broken heart takes alot of time to heal.

May you find a healing comfort and restoration of a happy and fulfilling life again someday. Have faith that one day your world will move on too. Whatever you do this day will be your memory tomorrow. Let the love you have in you for Oliver shine upon all who are around you. Feel Oliver's sunshine in your heart and let it warm you and comfort you.

I send you hugs of comfort as you struugle through your journey of healing.

We have all gone through our own unique period of mourning but one day the seemingly endless grief you feel now will start to wither giving way to memories. You are fortunate to have other pets to 'lean against' during this period of grief. When my buddy Duncan passed away, i too thought the pain would never end, but it eventually did. Concentrating on the well being, the happiness and life of my other dogs is in part what shortened my grief period. My surviving dogs are more precious to me now as a result of Duncan's passing. Take care!
-Ken

I am definitely trying to concentrate on them. They don't seem to mourn too much but have been very attentive to me. I feel conflicted, on one hand it makes me paranoid that I will lose someone again soon so I love on them a great deal but on the other hand, I can't stand to be at home too long, it just eats at me that he isn't there. It's so scary now that they are all seniors. Someone meowed the other day from another room and it sounded like Oliver and it just about killed me. For just a second I forgot he wasn't here, then it crashed down again.



This is exactly how I feel. I can't seem to get a deep grip on anything, fortunately I have a job that allows me to come and go somewhat so I leave every Tues. from 9:30-10:30 so that I can have an hour of silence during the time that he passed on (usually I come here.) The shock has somewhat subdued, only to give way to a bottomless void that just sucks all joy out of my life. I miss him so much all the time, my heart feels like it has imploded upon itself. I wish that I could enjoy the memories and love we had but all I can feel is his loss. It's been four weeks but it feels like an eternity has passed. I just want him back regardless of the impossibility.


A letter to my Rasta cat,

Words cannot describe how I feel right now. Losing you has been an ongoing nightmare that I cannot seem to wake from. I wish to do so many things over again, I took for granted the ability to just see your face, lay around with you or even have you try to take my food from my utensils. The signs were there that you weren't feeling good, I just thought they were indicating you weren't a kitten anymore, not that you had a terminal condition. Know that I would never have intentionally allowed you to become sick, if I thought for a minute that you were dying, I would have worked my fingers to the bone to provide you with the medical care that could have possibly extended the precious time you were here with me.

I miss all the things you did, opening all the cabinets, lowering your head when I kissed you, your sommersaults when I scratched your shoulderblades. I wish you could be here to sprawl out on your back in the middle of the floor so I could stratch your armpits in the summer and warn me that water is bad and to get out of the tub. I miss you hissing at the sweeper, even after 12 years of listening to it and your ability to heal headaches with purring. I miss watching you just plop over wherever you feel like laying even if in my walking path and your general conversation with your unusual voice. I wish I could watch you act nonchalant while you slowly closed in on my food and watch you horde the catnip with your paws again. I miss you laying around with stick legs and tucking them under to make pool float position and watching you greet me at the window when I walked up the porch to come home. I miss sleeping with you right next to my face and smelling your face when we snuggled. I wish I could just have you put your paw on me while I watch tv. I would do anything just to be able to kiss your face and hold you. I want you back. You belonged to me and no one else and it seems impossible that we aren't together anymore.

I love you so much, Oliver. I know how much you loved me, even others noticed that you were mama's baby and I was adored. You came into my life when I was so lonely and the events that brought us together were nothing short of divine intervention. You brought love and laughter into my life and were the first of the family that brought me home at night and gave me meaning and responsibility. I wish that I could have made you understand how much I love you, but now that you are part of God's kingdom, I am sure you fully comprehend everything I am feeling. God brought you into my life and being the Origin of love, I am certain He will see to it that we will be reunited again someday, all of us.

I will always miss you. I will always adore you. You will never be forgotten and even though I am in turmoil over us not being in this world together and see no end in sight, you will always be a part of me. I am the luckiest woman on earth to be able to call myself your mama. We were meant to be. I love you Oliver. I love you, I love you, I love you. Now and forever.

Mama

What a beautiful letter and a beautiful picture to a very very special sweethheart.

It takes so much time to do but I wish you peace and healing. Think about the good memories with Oliver everytime you feel sad. Remember those as often as you can. It will help.

It is so short a time since you lost him.....it is normal for you to feel lost and to miss him so very much. It is the hardest time of all the times they are part of our lives for they may be taken away physically but their souls are part of our heart and no one and no power will ever take that away from us.

Hug your other babies...they don't understand but know something is going on and you have their unconditional love also..they need you very much right now and deep down...you really do need them. When I lost my Little Guy in September...my home WAS empty...I had no others to hug and cry and talk to. I cried a lot then I started realizing that crying did not make me feel better like I thought it did.
What helped me was the distraction of bringing in a shelter cat into my home. He is totally different from my special one, Little Guy, but he needs a home and purrs and loves the best he can. He was a lonely abandoned soul and that's how I felt with my empty home.

I wish you peace and healing. Healing takes effort and that effort involves remembering the good healthy and happy memories of our babies...the only ones they would want us to think about. Grief is exhausting physically and emotionally. There are times we have to give in to it because it can strike us so overwhelming but it is too exhausting to be in that state constantly. It changes nothing. We can't bring them back physically. They are with us in spirit. I think if you reach out to your other ones and allow their love in....you and they will all benefit. I put pictures of my LIttle Guy in every room so if I can't have him here, at least I can look at him and remember he was here and I find a comfort in that.

After I cried a lot and still do at times...I thought about what I needed to make me feel better and I realized I needed to feel that unconditional love again in my empty home and so I got the shelter kitty who now has a home. The distraction really helps me.
I had 3 cats originally and when each left, I just gave the ones left much more attention than I used because I realized how quickly they can leave. When I had no more left to do that with....I opened my heart and home to one who needed it because I needed more than an empty house.

Take Care and walk baby steps to healing as best you can while you are waiting for the time to pass that is a major help in making the pain less overwhelming most of the time.

Good morning oliver's mama:
I'm in a similar situation with Dolly one of my dogs who is 10 years old and not in perfect health. Losing Dolly would mean an end to an era for me as both Duncan and Dolly came with the property i bought 8 years ago.
Back then i was not exactly what you would call a dog lover. However when the seller said if i didn't want the dogs, he was going to have the county pick em up which meant sure death for them.
Long story short, i really didn't want a dog at the time let alone two of them. But when i went up to Duncan and then Dolly to get some initial vibes, they both licked my hands profusely and their smiles forced me to smile. Somehow i think they instinctively knew what was at stake! As a side note: Dolly a long-haired dog was in pathetic condition with extreme matting and both of which were perpetually chained. The seller used them strictly as watch dogs. They both apparently were never let loose as they didn't know how to run and maneuver without bumping into things. Dolly was also scared of tall weeds which was apparently something new to her. Sorry for the rambling!
They have been my faithful companions for eight years now and since Duncan is now gone i also fear Dolly's passing might be even more devastating.

I try not to think on it surmizing what will happen is going to happen. With my dogs, i've learned to live for the day, the now same as our pets do and i'll face that sad day when that time comes.
Take care,
-Ken

oliver's mama, sorry for your loss, he was soooo beautiful, I am a man and couldn't help it but I was in tears my self when finished reading it, that is the most beautiful letter ever made to a Kid Pet. You most have loved him soooooo much like am sure he loved you too. Please don't feel bad, think about all the good times am sure you both had together becouse he will be waiting for you in heaven [This I know] God Bless and let us know if anything we could do for you, hugs from Buster and Jorge .

I'm not really sure what to even say. Took a couple steps back I suppose, I got on here about 5:30 AM, can't sleep anymore and still crying like last night. Man, I just miss him so much. Thinking of good times isn't really helping, all I can feel is his absence. I don't feel like I'll ever be happy again.


It feels very much like that, he was my first and within 6 months I had them all except Max, who I got just a few years later. I knew in my 20's that I was potentially placing myself in a time of profound sadness as they are all aging together. They have been with me through it all, homes, boyfriends, jobs, schooling, etc. I love my cats so much.

Havana, thank you for your kind words. I meant it all from the bottom of my heart. I did and do love him more than words can describe.

LoveThem, thank you too for your kind words. I read them quite a bit when I get on here and lurk with tears.

I'm glad my words have helped you. I try to write from the heart and pain we all share so we know we are not alone in that pain and grief but are trying to ease its burden with our sharing our thoughts and feeling with each other.

OMG ...that picture you just posted....is wonderful. I would caption it "What's not to love?" And add, "and miss terribly".

What a beautful boy. I"m a nut for tummies and I see Oliver does have a perfect one to scratch and love.

We all have days like you described so when they come....let yourself cry...there is nothing wrong with that. We don't have to be strong all the time. We lost someone who can never be replaced and who we loved and was loved back unconditionally. Time never weakens that bond...but it does lessen the pain or maybe it is allowing us to control the pain more so it at least feels less.

Hugs to you, Oliver's Mama, your angel is still here with you..his spirit cannot be taken away from you....EVER!

He did have a great belly. He would always do that in the summer, sometimes my Lily will do it too but not to that relaxed and stretchy of an extent nor as often. I would walk up and scratch his armpits and kiss his chin and he would stretch tip to tip. One time his armpits were yellow, it was so gross and human that I laughed and teased him. He would do it right in the middle of the room too, he was very comfortable at home. Many people who didn't quite "get" cats have come to my house and left claiming which one was now theirs. I have been very blessed with wonderful babies but he was a one of a kind cat in the way that he loved me and I fear that the kind of relationship that ours was can never be duplicated. I understand the man on here who lost his cat-wife, I do feel very much widowed.

I too found the ups and downs were more than just a little difficult. It seemed like I would take 2 steps forward.....3 steps backward............1 step forward............1 more step forward..........1 step backward. Eventually my steps starting moving more forward than backward and that was when I knew I had begun to heal. The scars I wear on my heart I will have forever. The pain is far less but I will never forget how I got them.

My Goliath and Gidget are only 5 months apart in age. Since Goliath passed away in November 2007 I have often wondered about how long Gidget will be with us. The answer to that for me is to make each day we have together the best ever. What I do with this day and how meaningful I make it is what will be my memory tomorrow. So, I try and take each day and live it like it is my last dance here on earth. Each day I have with my puppyloves is a gift I cherish and give thanks for.

Have faith that the wonderful memories you and Oliver made together will one day drown out more of the pain & grief you are feeling now. In a relationship such as yours, you can be sure Oliver is within you and all around you. Feel the sunshine in your heart as you think of him and all the joy he brought into your life. I promise one day you will be happy again.

Comforting hugs as well as my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Beth

Thank you Beth for your kind words. It is hard to help others as consistently as you and a few others here have done, and I will be eternally grateful. Lily underwent anesthesia today for bloodwork, I about went out of my mind at work until they called me and said she was awake. I love my babies so much, to lose someone else so soon would put me in a tail spin that I am not sure I could recover from. I would say I am between wound and scar. I cried today, so I guess more wound still anyway.

I got a sign from my baby as crazy as it may seem. I have been meaning to fill the box that his ashes came in with toys he liked, tops to body spray bottles, a rainbow mouser and expecially those nylon strip wands that you get for decorations at christmas time or as cat toys. Those were his favorite. He reeeeally loved those, you had to watch your hand because he would get so intense with the swatting. I even had the thought that when I found one, I would have to cut it to fit in the box as they are larger and he destroyed the ones that I did have.

Two days ago, I was wondering around and looking at purses. There was a black and white one that I kind of liked and I thought that maybe I should get it since it matches him (silly I know, but I have long since tried to understand anything I do these days in grief.) After hem-hawing around, I realized that I wasn't being responsible financially and put the purse back, thinking that it wasn't the purse but only the colors that I was attached to and when I get a true sign, I will know. I left to go to another store and had to pass the pet store. At the last minute, I decided to stop and get some treats and a new toy for my babies. After choosing them, I was walking out and low and behold, I spied one of those nylon strip wands that my Oliver loved. And it's small enough to fit in the box, except for the plastic wand part that I am going to break down. It really is perfect in everyway. And it matches him in color, only it has silver in it which I cannot help but think that he shimmers now in Heaven anyway.

Hopefully the pic below isn't too big, I tried to cut out most of my napping face which is slackjawed but it's one of my favorites. It's about 10 years old and my skin has cleared up some, although has more wrinkles as a trade-off.

Mama got it, Oliver. I bought it just for you and I love you too.

Just wanted to say I love all the pictures. Everytime I see them I think of Sissycat and the Love we both share for cats. May we both continue our healing process and remember them often.

Much Hugs

[quote name='oliver's mama' date='Jun 21 2008, 12:20 AM' post='39618'
I got a sign from my baby as crazy as it may seem. I have been meaning to fill the box that his ashes came in with toys he liked, tops to body spray bottles, a rainbow mouser and expecially those nylon strip wands that you get for decorations at christmas time or as cat toys. Those were his favorite. He reeeeally loved those, you had to watch your hand because he would get so intense with the swatting. I even had the thought that when I found one, I would have to cut it to fit in the box as they are larger and he destroyed the ones that I did have
[/quote]

Suble signs of Goliath come to me every so often. At first it was a little shocking.......Now I await his visits anxiously. I've found the more I am healing that my eyes, ears, and senses have magnified. So, I keep my senses sharp so I won't miss his signs to his Momma.

You have a wonderful idea about putting Oliver's favorite toys in his box. Goliaths' favorite was his football and it won't fit in his urn, so I have placed it right next to him. One these nights I am hoping he tosses that football right over to my bed, when I'm in it.

Those nylon strip wands are fun toys. Many years ago we had multiple cats and they all had different toys they liked. Of course, some of them just liked to tease another one and fight over it too. One of the cats names was Trucker, He never knew he was a cat. He liked to play jacks with me. It was funny to watch him. He'd take off with the ball sometimes, right in the middle of the game, climb up his cat tree and throw it out the top at me. I still have those jacks to this day.

Your shopping spree was well worth the trip in finding one of those wands.(sign from Oliver) When your time comes to leave this earth,You will be able to recognize Oliver quickly. He'll be the one waving the wand and looking straight into your eyes.


Your Oliver does indeed shimmer in Heaven, right along with the rest of our shimmering furangels. What a day it will be when we are all reunited with these beautiful babies again. What a magnificent day it will be.

Hugs, Beth

Girl, you ain't kidding. It's been 11 hours and 45 minutes that Candy has been gone and I just want her back so much I can't even decribe the pain.

May Oliver and Candy rest in sweet prescious peace.

Hal - Candy's Dad

My Oliver,

Well, it's been three months today that you have been gone. I think about you all the time and miss you every single day. Sometimes, I STILL can't believe that you're not here anymore. I especially miss you at bedtime. As loved as I am by your brother and sisters, you dominated the snuggle market. I become vaguely angry when no one wants to cuddle like you did, and worse, I feel resignation afterwards. You are still sooooo adored, even in death, and know that someone here on earth still burns the candle bright for you. Life will never be the same again.

Mama

After I lost Mink (black cat in avatar) I was crushed. A "soul-tearing" loss, I called it. Months later I was still trying to cope, miserable. Then I had an opportunity to meet with a shaman who said Mink was confused why I was so sad, because he was still right here. Rather than perceiving the spirit world as far, far away, beyond the clouds, beyond the stars, I changed the way I see it. Spirits we're connected to are still right around us. On another vibrational level, yes, such that they have no mass and are pure light, but nearby just the same. I found it immensely comforting to look at it that way. I miss his body form still (it's been 2 years), especially his stinky little breath and his "hi-hi" double meow greeting, but I'm comforted knowing we're still connected, and will be traveling together again in this life or the next.

And yes, I understand totally the disappointment that no one else is the lap fungus he was. I now have FOUR cats, and not one of them is a snuggle-bunny. Each in their own time, yes, but not "ooo! Mama's lap is empty, here I come!" affection hound. ~Kimberly

I love your notes to Oliver. They mean so much.
Your story sounds so much the same as mine. I still have Sissycat's 2 sisters and mama. None of which are the snuggly type. I am working on trying to get them to be. Maybe because Sissy dominated my room. The only way I can get one of the sisters to sleep in my bed (down at the foot tho) is to go in the other bedroom. I miss Sissy's snuggle right by my side with my hand touching her. Gosh I miss that so very much. I light candles every Monday night for her also. (my family thinks I am nuts but I don't care)

I still think of you often. For some reason I think it is because their faces looked so similar.

Giving you many hugs this evening!!!!!!!!!

May we continue to be stronger and our pain to subside.

"kim"

You know what's funny? Two nights ago, the night I said that no one sleeps in Oliver's old spot right up under my arm, my Max came and slept right there that night and last night too. AND I got lots of stinky cat breath kisses. Hope Oliver told him to do that.

BTW, I absolutely LOVE your avatar. They look like they have some of the loveliest personalities possible.



Thank you so much for kind words. I miss him terribly too. You kind of get used to it, so the pain subsides but there's always that void. Life is pre and post Oliver's death. Just today I was looking at a date at work on a worksheet and thought, oh I did that exactly two weeks after...

I think it's really cool that you leave her little notes on your thread for her, just a quick love you before work, etc. I should do that more often.

Have you noticed that a dad here of Fleetwood is a member of the billicat club? I need to post a picture of Oliver with Daphne on his thread, it's uncanny. Except mine didn't get along quite as well as his seemed to. Daphne is kind of passive-aggressive with them and Oliver was just plain king. It was lovely being his queen.

Sarah (Oliver's mama)

Hi Sarah [oliver's mama] I do owe three new Cats now since not to long ago from an old old next door neighbor of mine almost 90 y/o who went to live in a home and one of them is named El Niño he has a dark spot on one of his eyes just like Oliver's they are adorable and sweet and here they are so you can see them, the top is named Weena the middle one El Niño and the bottom one is Miss Kitty, God Bless, Jorge