I can't even believe that I have to type this out. I lost my Oliver on Tues. (May 6, 2008) and I think I have died too. Friday he was fine and Tues. morning he was gone. I noticed some small brown crust that kept forming on his lip but I just got his teeth cleaned on March 31 and he seemed otherwise fine for a 12 year old cat. Vet says maybe bone cancer, definitely anemic and in renal and liver failure this weekend, but it was just so quick. I feel like I got robbed, WE got robbed. I miss him sooooo much, it feels like my chest has been spooned out with a giant melon baller and my arms physically ache to hold him. Sat. he was kind of hiding and walking just a little bit weird. I called the hospital and they said if he isn't in pain, try to hold off till Mon. since the bill would be astronomical. I got the carrier out just in case and Sun. at noon he crawled in it and howled twice. We were out the door right then. I visited him that night at the hospital for an hour and he seemed himself (nurse saw him laying with his legs out like sticks like he always did and said he was doing it out of his cage, even with his little IV) and I transferred him to the vet on Mon. morning (behind an ambulance, coincidentally.) They said he was blocked, put him under to insert a catherter and he never really recovered after that. I took him home that night to be with me just in case and tended to him all night, and he made it through. That next morning I just laid there face to face with him and told be how much I loved him and begged him to fight while he purred real faintly. He died pretty much right after I took him back to the vet's on Tues. morning and the crematory got him before I even got to say goodbye. I cry all the time, I think of all the things that he won't do anymore, no more treats or people food stalking, no more laying sprawled out on his back in the summer or laying on his belly with stick legs or head butts or putting a paw on me when we sat next to each other, the list goes on. I am drowning in utter despair. People say that he wouldn't want this, well I don't want him gone either so that makes two of us. When I don't cry, I lay there is silent horror at what has become my life. I can't eat, I wake up and cry throughout the night and sometimes I honestly think this has to be a huge nightmare because there's no way he could even possibly be gone. I have three others all the same age but I can barely stand to be at home right now, there is still evidence everywhere of our last night together that I can't bear to clean up so I sleep at friend/family houses. He was my first and loved me dearly. A few weeks ago we were sleeping (he slept with his head on my pillow next to me) and I woke up to find him studying my face with huge round people eyes and he looked so lovey and intelligent. I said "well, hi" and squeezed him but now I wonder if he knew then. My mom said he was just studying my face on Mon. night too. I have this insane urge to scream out to Heaven what I think of this and to go somewhere and tell someone in charge that there's been a mistake and I need my cat back. The world should stop turning and it fittingly has rained from Tues. on. Someone great left this earth and no one knows his loss more than me. I'm sure you all know EXACTLY how this feels and thanks for listening. It really is horrendous.

I'm so sorry about your Oliver!!! I've heard of cancer in cats being very bad and travels very fast.
It doesn't sound if he suffered, he seemed to suddenly just crash on you. Maybe when he was staring at your eyes he was just telling you in kitty language how much he loved you. In his way maybe he was trying to tell you not to be sad too long when he goes. I think animals know a lot more than people sometimes.
I'm so sorry for you loss. Let it out and just cry when you need to. But also remember your Oliver wouldn't want to see you in pain. In some way you have to cry it out enough to finally breath in a sigh, and when you let out, find a way to let him go. THEN, (I know because I've done it) you cry all over again, because you finally gathered enough courage to let him go.
For my dogs passing, I had to vent, and let it out, otherwise it felt like my head would explode. I cried. I got out pictures and cried some more. I called a friend, and cried some more. I took a walk, then a bubblebath, and cried some more. My ribs hurt, and I developed a cough, and physically got to a point where I couldn't cry anymore. The sobs would come, kinda like dry heaves, but my mouth was like cotton and I didn't make anymore tears. Just kinda dry sobbing, if that make sense.
Then, I napped. In one day I think I slept for 14 hours. Eventually, the cries got less, the sobs stopped, and I went out. The more I forced myself back into the "normal" routine of life, the better I was. If I had a day off work, staying home was the worst, it all kept coming back.
But time has helped. I won't say I'm over my boy, you never get over it, but like a horrible injury you do heal. Some scars are left, but the scars don't hurt so bad, everyone knows scars are just reminders of something painful that happened.
Take care, come here as much as you need, and vent, get it out.

Dear Oliver's Mama, I am very sorry to hear you have lost your Oliver. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I too know how you hurt and wish I could give you more than mere words. Coming here was a good thing to do, as everyone here will make sure you aren't alone, and for me that made all the difference in the world. The tears you cry are healing tears, despite how much you hurt. You will see him in the eyes of every kitty you look at and he will be in the purr of every kitty you pet, and at night his spirit will snuggle up close to you and you will feel peace. He will send you a rainbow to tell you he is safe.

I wish you well

mark

I am so very sorry about Oliver. You are right about the fact that we here do understand exactly how you feel. It sounds from what you wrote that everything happened so fast. When you are thinking good things and then the unexpected happens and it seems like everything goes completely the opposite way, it is devastating.

I had my Little Guy over 16 years. I was talking to his vet on Thursday about bringing him in on the following Tuesday and discuss how he was doing...then on Monday we went through a horrible experience...everything happened very fast and you feel when things do calm down you turn around and your special one is gone. Twice the devastation.

We vent, we cry until we are exhausted and then we cry some more. It may make things easier if everything does not stay as it was ...as a big reminder. Maybe you could ask your Mom or your friend to pack anything you want to save but don't want to look at right now. What helped me was to change the look of the rooms somehow so they looked a little different. I have put pictures of my Little Guy in each room so when I walk in...I can look at him and for a moment...savor a memory of him being there. Places where he liked to lay...well I put flower arrangements there instead so the spaces did not look empty.

You said you have 3 others. How are they doing? They know something happened. I know before I lost my last one and had one left...it helped me to hug him and talk to him...somehow that helped take away some of the emptiness.

And yes, we do feel as though the world should at least stop everything for a few minutes in respect..instead of everything going on as usual.

When we lose them..it is the worst time of all. When we feel overwhelmed by the pain it causes...sometimes thinking of things others have said can help.

One of the most meaningful things I have read here about a loss from a "mom" who was devastated was: The pain of losing him will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing him.

That's a powerful thought to hold onto. It takes time before we start allowing any healing to begin and during that time we are in terrible pain. Eventually we learn we should concentrate on the wonderful memories we have of our special ones. Each time the pain comes, we force our minds to remember a better time until the sad times aren't allowed to overwhelm us anymore.

Coming here and writing as you did was a very good thing to do. You might even want to write a letter to Oliver and talk to him about how you are feeling. Many of us do that many times.

Take care and know you are not alone in what you are going through. For many of us, it is like looking in a mirror. We learn how to survive and feel blessed we were given the gift of having these special ones in our life for the time given to us. We always want more time but we are not in charge of that part of life.

That pictures of Oliver as a kitten is absolutely beautiful! When you feel like it, you can write and tell us stories of Oliver so we see his personality through your eyes. One day you will find you may smile at so many memories and know you two were good together...only now he is residing in your heart and is a part of you that can never be taken away.

Like all stories here it is beautiful and heartbreaking. I liked what you said about "feeling scooped out". Those were words I did not find in March, but they fit too well. It just all seems wrong.
How is it that a creature so different from us by Evolution or Design (It does not matter for the purpose of the post), with a brain a fraction the size of ours, be so smart and such an important life partner to us? To become "promoted" to human by their closeness to us-Or how we are "promoted" to Honorary Cat?
After a special relationship with an animal I tend to look at a stray as a friend I have not met yet.
There is a post on here that has the topic "Do animals have souls?".
My special relationship began the day, after she was in the house for a year, she looked into my eyes..and someone was living in there! It was almost unsettling, and very strange. For one I did not try to &%^yze it, and accepted it, and there I was, with a Cat Wife. And she did look into me that awful day at the vet's. It looked like SHE felt sorry for ME!
That was two months ago. I have a new "applicant" who will try his best to fill the scooped out part. He will not, of course, but the trying will help. Maybe someday, he will grow into that special relationship, but I fear it will take some time, and probably years, if ever.
But she will never be replaced. They are all SUCH individuals, all so different, that I fear that was a once in a lifetime offer....
It slowly gets better, from a dagger thrust to a dull ache. But it's never gone. My wife has never been the same from the loss of her Aussie Terrier twenty years ago.
How can a nine pound* creature leave such a big hole?


*After her diet!

I am very sorry to hear of your loss of dear sweet Oliver. Thank you for sharing his picture with us. I hope that we can offer you some comfort and help you through the pain. Although our stories differ, we all know the pain of the loss of a fur baby. Grief is a cycle of life that is never easy....it takes time. Everyones time frame is different.

You were very fortunate to have Oliver for 12 yrs. But I can understand how you feel robbed. No matter how old our pets live...it's never enough time. They bring us so much joy that the time flies by so quickly.

I can relate to you mentioning it was difficult for you to be in your house. The night before I had my lab Lizzy put to sleep was a rough one. Even though she had cancer she was the strongest dog I ever met. But the cancer spread rapidly and my big girl got very weak. I thought I was prepared for the end...but I was a mess. We were very close and I always told people that Liz had a human inside of her. She understood me so well and comforted me through some difficult times in my life. My Dads passing, my divorce etc. She was only 9 1/2 and I kept asking God why. I tried to feel Lizzy's strength and draw from it. I still cried alot but knew Liz never liked it when I was upset or hurt. I began to go over the happy memories she left me with. I laughed and cried and the healing began. Three months later I adopted my new baby Mandy. She and my other lab Elly keep me going. I still talk to them about Liz and the silly things she did.

I believe you will be comforted by taking care of your other cats. They need you and you need them. Cry as much as you need as it is your bodies way of healing your mind. Try to be strong for your other cats. Although Oliver is not physically present, he will always hold a special place in your heart.

Your story of Oliver hit me right where it is still painful for me. When a loved pet passes away so quickly it is absolutely devastating and crippling. We are so used to having them around us in our everyday lives and then................the sickening feeling of an empty house. We still feel the emptiness even when there are other pets and family all around us.

Your choice of words in describing how you felt when Oliver died could have easily been written by me. I felt as though I died too when I held my Goliath in my arms and felt his life slip away. There wasn't anything I could do to save him. Each day after, I kept telling myself I had to have been in a horrible nightmare and prayed that I would wake up very soon. The panic, anxiety, loss of appetite, and uncontrolable tears threw me into such a deep depression. Although I existed I sure didn't feel at all like I was living.

We understand your pain and agony in having lost your sweet Oliver. His love for you and your love for him can never die though. A bonding love such as yours will stay with you and Oliver as you remain connected by your hearts now and forever.

May you find peace and comfort in this forum where you will find many people who truly understand and share in your pain. Coming here and exchanging our thoughts with each other helps us to find a way to acceptance and healing.

Bless you as you struggle to find some comfort and peace of mind.

Thank you all for your kind words during this terrible time. Yesterday I dug out all the photos I have of him and just loved him so hard while I looked through them. He was mama's baby and I miss him terribly. Mornings seem to be really hard. Just waking up knowing that another day is happening without him is so deflating.

The other cats seem to be ok, my Max has been very attentive and Lily let me cry for a minute the other day on her. Daphne even let me pick her up and kiss her which is rare. They know something is wrong, if only because "the affectionate female care-giver" wails alot. I love them all so much for their fabulous personalities but he loved me the most.



That hits home especially, my sister said that our relationship was very romantic. I used to joke that if he were human, we would be married. He always slept with his head on my pillow, including our little exchange a couple of weeks ago. Sometimes he would even have bed head. When we watched tv he would just put a paw out on my leg and leave it there. I really miss that awesome little stuff. He was fantastic.

dear olivers mama,
i am so sorry for you loss, my heart goes out to you.
i hope this site may find you some kind of comfort, as it's has been helpful to me.
there are alot of very caring and sicere people in here with alot of compassion and thoughtful words.
they all speak from their hearts and unfortunatly have gone through the same pain we are feeling.
hopefully soon we can start healing and feel the need to go on and share some more of our love with another special furry friend.
take care and your in my thoughts and prayer

The last picture you just posted of Oliver is just too beautiful for words. He looks so darn huggable.

I'm glad to hear you are sharing your grief with your other 3.....it helps when you can hug a furbaby even if it is not the one you just lost. And they feel and appreciate the attention..doesn't matter if it is crying or not....hugs just "speak" their own language.

I hope you will post more pictures of Oliver and even your others with him....it seems to help everyone to look at pictures of these sweet babies. They each have a charm of their own that comes through. Bless them all for we will love them forever and they will be a part of our hearts for eternity.

I picked up Oliver's ashes today. I wanted to have someone with me but thought that because he and I were the start of my family that it seemed right that I alone completed the task. I just held him to my heart and cried in the parking lot. I still miss him so unbelievably much. Sometimes I think I see him out of the corner of my eye. To say I have 3 instead of 4 seems so alien and he's always on my mind. I will ALWAYS love you Oliver, and I miss you more than mere words can say. Your absence is deafening.

That feeling of absence IS unbelievably deafening. I know it so very well. Even though I have two other little yippers here in our home who make lots of noise, one special unique sound is no longer heard. But, his presence is felt everywhere.

Though it was 6 months ago when Goliath passed away so suddenly, it seems like yesterday. My hubby and I were with him when he was cremated and I can remember holding his urn and hugging it so close to my body. A week or so after we had Goliath home, my hubby surprised me with a gold heart cylinder urn. Inside of it he had placed some of Goliath's remains. His heart was engraved with "Goliath" and had a paw print on it. This I wear on a gold chain around my neck and I never take it off. It helps me to feel closer to my Goliath and gives me great comfort.

May you be blessed in comfort just a little bit more now that you have Oliver home with you. In time you will remember the wonderful memories you and he made together and the sun will shine on your heart. The love you and he have is an everbinding love that will last forever.

Hugs of comfort and love are sent to your heart from mine.

Thank you for posting another precious picture of Oliver...it just feels good inside to look at these beautiful babies. I hope you have his pictures all over so you can look at him whenever you walk into a room. I see he likes to look at the camera, even upside down.
That's cause he is really looking at you...that's what my Little Guy did....and now when I walk into a room and look into his eyes, I still feel that connection we had even though I am looking at a picture. Their souls are alive in our homes and our hearts and if we speak to them, I believe they hear us.

You have such wonderful pictures of Oliver....you might think of taking your favorite and having it made into an 8x10 and set up a small memorial in your home in a special place for him. By the windows where my Little Guy loved to look out, I placed baskets of pretty flowers (not real ones) so instead of seeing an empty spot it was kind of a small memorial to him..making some place he loved into a special place that belongs to him.

He is home now and he is at peace. Missing him will never stop just as loving him can never end. He is a part of your heart and your memories and will be there forever. That can never be taken away. And, if you happen to see a movement out of the corner of your eye every now and then...I am sure that angel is watching you every moment of every day.

You are never alone grieving....we here will continue to grieve for our lost ones as long as we have a breath. In time, we are able to not let that overwhelm us every day but it is always there in the back of our minds...Just as our babies were a permanent part of our lives ...even though we lose the physical part of them...we will never ever lose what we feel in our hearts. We will keep them there with us for all time. Bless these babies...we are glad they were part of our lives and continue to be with us forever.

OM, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I haven't been on here for awhile and i just saw your post. It's been over a year that my Sadie Mae ate the tainted cat food and had to be put to sleep. I only tell you that to let you know that I understand. I know that you are devasted beyond belief with a weight of despair that feels like a physical object. Please cry...anything. Get it all out.

I can't tell you how sorry I am. No words could ever come close. Only time can minimize that kind of total devastation you are experiencing. You will get through this I promise. We all have and are here for you. I can also promise you that you will never stop missing or loving your baby Oliver, but that is okay. He is worth all of the tears in the world.

Please be good to yourself and know that Oliver is doing great now, though you are at the lowest point in your life. I know that it feels like a part of you has died. Please hang in there and write your feelings on here as much as you want.

Take care
John B

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I too took it to heart what you said. Thats just the way I felt/ still feel. One thing I did that seems to of help me in the begining stages of my grief was when I went to bed i would cry myself to sleep. I started to put some soft music on and closed my eyes and had thoughts of playing with my dear J-dog. We would run and play stick and ball. Well at time I even smiled. It's just one of the thing I did to cope with my very broken heart. This place has been very helpful for me. And I know it will help you too. My prayers are with you. You will get througt this it will just take a lot of time.

Victoria

I am so sorry for your loss of Oliver. Your pictures of him are such beautiful memories. He was beautiful. I remember when I received Duffy's ashes. I held them close to my heart and just wailed. It hurt so much that that was what was left of him. But now, after 8 months, I am glad that he is home and close with me. I know that a body is just a container but there is a strange comfort in having his ashes home.

This is the hardest time- the pain is so raw and fresh and it feels like it will never go away- part of it never does-but it does dull with the passage of time. Please know that you are in my thoughts and that I wish you peace and comfort during the darkest time of the grieving process. You will carry Oliver in your heart, wherever you go, and he will live on that way. I thank you for sharing your sweet memories of him with all of us here because it helps the rest of us to heal as well and it helps us get to know and appreciate Oliver and his beautiful life. Yes, you were lucky to have him but he was lucky to have such a wonderful mom who will always love and cherish him.
Take care,
Stephanie

thank you so much sharing the beautiful photos of your dear Oliver.
and telling about your special bond.
(yes, he does look similar like my Felice, just her eyes were not green, but somehow "goldbrown"speckled"
because she was supposed to be about 20 years old.)
i am so sorry, that he had to go so sudden, beeing only twelve years old.
feeling with you
Eva

thank you all for such kind words during my grief. it's been exactly two weeks, almost to the minute now, since he passed away and i still cry every day because i miss him so much. this morning i woke up at 5:30 and started to cry as i still can't believe he's gone, even now. i feel his absence everywhere, when i clean the cat boxes he would climb in while i was half way through and leave something stinky (i really miss that), and giving treats to my others is very painful since everything i do for the other three is 25% more/less, now that i am missing one. i had to arrange their feeding places for a change but everything's a reminder, no matter whether the routine is different or the same. i just got around to doing the laundry that was soiled from his last night at home and am going to rip out the bag from the vacuum so that i have some of his hair left. it may sound gross but i just can't bear the thought of throwing it all out with the trash. now that he is gone, every piece of him i can find is golden.

about a week ago, i was driving in my car and heard my "small, still voice" tell me, "it's ok. i have him, sarah." that was the only time, for about a half an hour, that i felt any real relief. i know i am not supposed to beat myself up, but he had that black crust on his lip for weeks and i knew that it wasn't right, i just kept putting it off as though he were immortal. my friend tells me i am monday morning quarterbacking and that it does no good, but i knew better, i was even pre-vet in college before i changed majors and i worked at a clinic for over a year. even though i loved him fiercely all the days of his life, part of me feels as though i failed him at the end.

i just feel so empty, as though my chest could implode from the huge void left in it. this weekend i went shopping by myself for a few hours and it was all i could do to not sit down and cry right there in the store. people have been very kind, most everyone i know has pets or at least understands how much i love mine and that i am in mourning. my best friend even changed her myspace to oliver's aunt and used his picture. no one has suggested that i should just get over it or that he was "just a cat" (thankfully, as there would be a swift and terrible rebuttal.) i really can't stand being alone for any amount of time, and hanging out at home is so much of a reminder. this in turn makes me panicky because i think about the fact that every day that goes by is one day closer to the inevitable for my others who are all senior. he was my first and the others came soon after so collectively they all represent an era of my life that someday will be over. they have loved me unconditionally through all areas, boyfriends, college, jobs, etc. to not have that physically present anymore from oliver is an indescribable loss.

i was on this site ten years ago when my pumpkin died from FLV. this place was the first website i ever really visited on the internet and remembered how kind and understanding everyone was as he was not only my first solid pet loss, but the first loss of anyone i was close to. thank you all for your prayers and condolances and i offer the utmost of mine in return.

Keeping his fur doesn't sound at all gross to me. In fact, I took hair from my babies' brushes and put it in a ziplock, airtight bag, with a favorite toy. I did my Little Guy's twin in 2002 that way and today that hair is still as soft as can be. It truly is the only physical thing I have left of my 3 babies and it is something to touch that is real and came from them only. I treasure that.

My 3 were all the same age also and I understand when you say about your remaining babies also being seniors. They probably need you more right now since they know something is wrong and don't understand it. Hold them and talk about Oliver. Hold them and cry about Oliver. Hold them.... Do not grieve for them while they are here to hug and love.

Your pain is so intense right now because so little time has passed since everything happened. You may at times find it hard to come home yet that home is where Oliver was the happiest and in time, you may find there is no place like home...and find comfort in remembering the good days he had with you there. You have been here before, as you said, so you know you have to let it all out, cry, vent, whatever it takes to find some peace inside.

Take Care....time helps the healing process...and makes it so the pain and grief does not overwhelm us constantly.

I understand your wanting to hang onto Oliver's hair. Doesn't sound gross at all to me. After Goliath passed away I didn't
vaccuum because I wanted his hair around me. Til this day I find his hair in closets and under furniture. The other day I pulled a stack of clothes out of the spare bedroom and found mounds of hair he left there. I call these discoveries of Goliath's "little hellos" to me. As long as I live I hope to receive many more of his hellos.