My dear Touch,

It has been a little over 8 weeks since you have gone to Rainbow Bridge, and each day without you is still difficult for me. I think back on our many years together -- you were a part of me for half of my life.

I miss you so much! There are days when I am completely lost in my grief, longing to hold you and see your face again.

I remember when we first got you. It was March of 1998, and I was just a kid. Actually, at that time I did not think much about getting a dog, it was my dad who had agreed to get two Pekingese dogs from his co-worker, who was a breeder.

When we went and picked you and your female friend, Ripple, up, I was pretty frightened of you! You protected Ripple, jumping up, barking and growling if hands came close. But eventually, I was not a stranger to you anymore. As I grew to love you more and more, my family decided to give both you and Ripple away, saying that two dogs was too many to handle. They did not inform me of their decision ahead of time. I came home one day to people taking you and Ripple away.

I begged and begged for you back, until one day, the new owners also could not take care of two dogs, and you were given back to me.

And so we lived on together.

Touch, I wish I appreciated you more when I was younger. Those days that I would stay out forever with my friends and not spend time with you, watch TV without you in my lap, enjoy the sunshine without you next to me...countless days when both you and I were younger that I wish I showed you my love. I hope that you forgive me for those days of neglect, and know that I love you so very much.

You were my special "old man," as weird as that sounds. You looked like a grumpy guy, but I knew that you were happy and that you loved me. I used to get extremely mad when anyone made negative comments about your looks. I wanted to scream. To me, you were the most beautiful dog, and I saw the light in you where no one else did.

It saddens me thinking of how numbered our days were after you were diagnosed with cancer. We had only about a month before you had to go. I wished everyday would never end. I see that I was being selfish, not wanting you to go, despite that you were in pain and the illness was growing. I look at the latest pictures of you, and cry. You looked like you were hurting so much.

I will always remember your cute little face with your tongue sticking out. I will always remember you gazing at me from your bed, and I would think, "I am so lucky to have you."

I am so grateful to have had you in my life. I truly was blessed. You made me a better person, teaching me the importance of patience and the greatness of love.

You will always be in my heart, and our souls will be intertwined forever. You took a part of me along with you that day you left. I know I will see you again one day, and everything will be perfect with you in my arms again.

I love you so much,
Crystal

Well you certainly touched me with your Touch, my tears are flowing freely as I put in these comments. What a beautiful person you have been, Touch was very lucky and of course so were you. Darling you are still a very young lady so you don't yet know all that I know Our pets, yes even the unique soulmates, intuitively know all about us. All the love that we might not even realize we have for them, they already know it...They know we are young and silly and love to party. they know we run out of the house without taking a second to say goodbye but it's okay, they're happy to you as a joyful busy kid. They're happy just like you will be happy to see your own children are so excited to join their friends that they do not have one thought about their beloved parents and you know that they love you and that that love is forever. and that's what made all the difference in the world for Touch, your love !I would like to share with you my feelings about this. I saw all that pain coming for my soulmate cat. I chose to end his life, he realized it and interpreted that as my 'getting rid of him' . they are so intelligent but this didn't occur to him, he just saw I was terminating him. Looking back, I would have waited until he was ripe and ready to go, like his brother who had put his paw on my hand at the vet's office and sort of said, it's okay mom, I want to leave all this pain and be free.
So at least Touch knew you couldn't part with him and that is something I so much wish I could have given my Yukon instead of the last hour where he must have told himself Heck we loved each other for a lifetime then this is how she deals with my illness...So don't feel guilty, you might have had reason to feel guiltier if you had chosen to spare him the pain. I share this with you, all through Yukon and Felix lives I always knew how lucky I was, how lucky all my family was to know these two angels for 13 years.
This at least, I did right You will be with Touch again, he made you a beautiful person and he will eagerly look on as you go through a beautiful life where each second is Touched with a kiss. Courage my love, life will be good since it has already shown you the magic than can be.

Hi toonie,

Thank you so much for your encouraging response. It has been over 9 weeks now, and I am starting to see that life can and does get better.


I am sure Yukon did not believe you were 'getting rid of him.' He must be looking down now, with even more intelligence, knowing that many days of pain were inevitable. You made sure he did not experience the very beginning of the pain, and he must be looking down with love and thanks for that. Sparing him the pain is an act of love, and Yukon must know that.

I hope the guilt you feel does not overwhelm you any longer. Take care, and thank you again for your wonderful comments.

My dear Touch,

I miss you. It has been eleven weeks and one day. It is getting a little easier for me as each week passes, but I still miss you so much. The other morning, I came upstairs and saw that the kitchen door was closed, just like how it used to be when you slept in there. It reminded me so much of how you are not here.

Touch, I started school again and I wish I could study in my room with you near me just like we used to. I wish I was able to look down at you while I studied, or watch you as you crawled under my desk towards the door.

It really does feel like it has been forever since I last saw you, held you, petted you. I love you so much.

I found this poem in a magazine, and I cried when I read it. (I changed the "she's" to "he's").

You can shed tears that he is gone
Or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what he would want:
Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

--Anonymous

I can relate so much to this poem. All of the first sections before the "or you can" are feelings that I experienced throughout these eleven weeks. I know that I am healing at least a little bit though, because I am now experiencing some of the "or you can" expressions.

You are so special to me Touch. Thank you for being in my life! I love you and miss you. Please visit me in my dreams and in spirit.

Love,
Crystal

Hi Crystal,
First I want you to know how beautiful your words for little Touch are. Secondly, I want you to know how sorry I am for your loss. Finally, I wanted to tell you that I just lost my dog, Duffy, who was with me for a little over half my life. I know all that you are feeling. I was 16 when we got him and I don't think I remember life before him. I know the regret you feel for leaving him behind all of those times to socialize. I went away to college without looking back and would have my mother tell me how Duffy would lie on my empty bed just because he missed me. But Toonie and that poem are right. Our babies were happy for us and although we miss them and a large part of us is gone, we will forever be better for it. I understand all of your sentiments and my heart goes out to you.

Oh- One more thing-Touch was a beautiful dog. In your picture, he looked so wonderful. His eyes are so loving and loyal and his face was so beautiful. I am convinced that all animals are beautiful anyway but Touch was gorgeous. Again, I am so sorry for the loss of such a perfect baby. I hear you with everything that you've said.

Dear Crystal --

I just want to tell you that my heart goes out to you. That's all I can really say. We all relate so well to your feelings about Touch, and the poem you posted is beautiful. It made me cry, but it's beautiful.

I also related very much to something you said in your first post about how people would make mean or thoughtless comments about Touch's looks. And I want to say, for their information, that Touch was a beautiful Pekingese. That is how Pekingese dogs are supposed to look, and Touch was a great example and a credit to the breed! So there!! Stupid people...

May Touch find all sorts of ways to comfort you...

-- Michelle K.

My dear Touch,

Today marks the third month of your passing. It has been rather hard for me the past few days. I wish I could just hold you again. I know that we will be reunited one day, but I am impatient. I have my whole life ahead of me...it will be a very long time before we meet again. Please do not forget me. I love you so much.

I have many dreams about you, Touch. It is odd, but everything is so real at the time, I truly believe that you can sense me in that dream-world. I pet you, hold you, feed you, I cry, smile, and just gaze at you in my dreams, and I feel everybit of it. I wake up from these dreams feeling so grateful that you visited me.

I miss everything about you. I miss how cute you walked -- swaying and slow. I miss how you would run down the hill back towards home, more like jumping and skipping actually, and would have a hard time stopping or slowing down...So I would have to speed walk along the side of you until your little legs slowed down. I wish I had all of our moments captured on video. I don't ever want to forget our precious memories.

I feel empty. No one knows how much I think of you. Everyone has moved on, except me. I will never "get over" you not being here. Yes, I believe that it is easier today than it was two months ago, but my heart still hurts and there will always be a piece missing.

Thank you for all that you have done for me, Touch.

I love you,
Crystal

Thank you Michelle K. and forduffy for your encouraging words and support.

Thank you for such kind words about his beauty. Touch was such a fluffball of beautiful cuteness. It really upsets me that people can be so insensitive about him, especially those who have beloved dogs themselves.

I hope that your journeys toward healing have been alright. Mine has not necessarily been the smoothest ride, but I am at least passing some of the bumps.

It's never a smooth ride. I want to hug Touch. He looks like such a sweetheart. It hurts so much to see such loyal eyes and know that these babies are at the Bridge. They are so huggable! I am young too. But nevertheless, life will be through within a blink and we will be with our sweet ones before we know it!

Dear Touch,

Today is 4 months since you have gone. I cannot believe it. I used to not be able to even imagine a day without you...and now so many have gone by. I miss you so much. I honestly do not think that the feeling will ever go away.

I am not looking forward to the holiday season. I will be on break, and will miss you even more when I am staying at home. You used to watch me wrap my presents, do my crafts...and I will not be able to buy you that one roll of food that you always loved.

I do have more good days than bad...But when I have a bad one, it is pretty awful. Touch, please visit me more in my dreams, and in spirit. I have not seen you in a while, and long to feel your presense again.

I love you.
Crystal

Hugs to you Crystal, four months for you, over a year for me, some here are just beginning and some of us are old grievers here, we all understand what the other one is going through, if this site could collect tears, we'd fill an ocean.

From my perspective, I have come to compare this grieving with the sound of a song, a sad song that forever plays in my psyche, at first it was so painful, blasting too loud, too hard, making me unable to concentrate on anything else, now the sound is lower, bearable if you wish, now I can hear all kinds of other sounds as well and sometimes those other sounds manage to distract me from that quiet sad song that hums in my heart and comes back to keep me company when all is still.
It does get better, we will always have to carry their loss and in a way, we want this, how can we ever let them go, but we also learn to move along to other beats, for us and for our lost love to to listen to, from inside. If we just closed ourselves to all else, we would wither and die. What we will become, after they have gone, will be a reflection on that love, so we must be strong and brave, carry on.
Hugs on this first trimester, still so tender to an aching heart, I hope that this new time will bring you little signs, or just a feeling, that Touch is there, because most likely, he is. If you are anxious about the holidays why don't you try change the holiday traditions with a few new twists, for example getting or creating something that will symbolize the continuing love that you and Touch share. I don't know what that would be, this is for you and Touch to decide as well as where you shall do this. I won't be too bad about the holidays, I had to go through them last year but since my cats never got much of a kick over the holildays they're not too hard on me, for Yukon the worst part was having to give up his favorite chair to guests, I am so glad he had enough confidence to refuse to do so! I have never seen a rainbow, but I think that each spirit reaches others in their own special way, just be there for Touch like I am sure he at this moment even and forever there for you. Your love goes on, he is here and there and everywhere, in love with you.

Crystal...I just wanted to post here and tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I read all of the above postings and especially your poem of 9-29-07. You found something special in those words for all of us. Two of my babies had the big C and I get angry when it attacks any one of our precious ones but that is beyond our control. All we can do is love them and hug them and make sure they have a quality of life as best we can...until it is out of our control. Years ago when I had my special dogs...they definitely loved the Holidays so I understand what you are thinking. I used to wrap up a Milkbone and they could smell it through the paper. I have pictures of them "opening" their presents. Those really are good memories that make you smile.

Even though my cat, Little Guy, was not into Christmas..I don't think this year I will do much at that time. Next year...when over a year of time has passed..I can always return to the Holidays. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable. You are in a very vulnerable place right now, as so many of us are, so think about what would make you feel better about the Holidays..whether it is to change a routine or whatever. We will always miss our special friends and have that ache in our hearts forever but we can also feel blessed they came into our lives for whatever time we had them. I wouldn't trade that time for anything. Take Care...

What an amazing tribute--you love for Touch shines through every word. He knows you love him and always did. How wonderful that you can appreciate the gift he was and how you have grown because of his love and presence in your life.

When you are ready, I encourage you to adopt a shelter/rescue dog. You have so much love to give and people like you who appreciate and understand dogs are so desperately needed to love those in need. There is no greater gift. Again--when the time is right for you.

God bless.

What a wonderful tribute to a beautiful furkid. Thank you so much for sharing.

Ken Albin

Wow.....I wish you knew how much our stories resemble each other. If you look through and read anything about my Parker you will see. I had Parker for about half of my life and am going through and went through the same things you did and are. I had so much guilt because I had him through my college years and boy did I party. Left him at home way too much and didn't enjoy every single second I could have. However, it has now been 2 years......still miserable but I do realize now that he had a great life. You have to think about the years and the times that you had wonderful memories with Touch and realize that dog's think of what they do have .......not what they don't. I will never "get over" Parker and you will never "get over" Touch. They are ingrained in us and made us who we are. I wouldn't be the Mother I am now to my two children without having raised Parker. I don't know if you are a Mother to humans yet or even plan to be, but if you make that choice you will see that our fur children are in every choice we make and continue to teach us and guide us through every day. I will never accept his absence but I thank God every day for 13 years with him. Touch will watch over you throughout your life, he knows all of your feelings and is probably getting annoyed that you have so much guilt!! He wants you to have good feelings about your time with him.....I know it is hard but think of it as a gift to him. My prayers are with you.

Parker's Mom,
Kerry

Thank you everyone for your responses. I appreciate the time and effort taken to relate and share about your loved ones. We really are all tied together, we have such different, yet very much similar experiences...I would not be able to get through things if it there were not others who loved and lost their pets and shared about it.

Thank you.

Dear Touch,

How are things in Heaven? I try to imagine what you are doing up there, what you look like, if you are gazing at me from above. Today is 5 months since you have gone, and I have the same hopes as I did the day you left. I hope that you are happy, that your spirit is free. I hope that you are in comfort and not pain, I hope that you can still feel my love and know that I miss you and think about you so much.

I'm lonely Touch. I miss you being in my life. I wish I could take you for one last walk to the park.

I love you.
Crystal

Touch,

Tomorrow is 6 months without you. I say this everytime, but it really is hard to believe that so much time has passed...Each and everyday used to be a struggle for me to get through, and now here I am many months later.

I feel like everyone in my life has forgotten about you, especially about how much you meant and still mean to me. It upsets me. My family and friends do not mention much about you. Although time has passed, not having you here with me is still a "big deal" to me. I wish they all understood how difficult it was for me to get to where I am at today. I wish people would not take it so lightly, thinking that I was overreacting and was "upset about losing you more than a normal person should be."

I wish you were still alive in my family and friends' hearts like you are in mine. I hope you know that I am thinking of you, am always missing you.

Thank you for giving me so much in life, Touch. You always made me smile, no matter how angry or upset I was about some issue in life. Thank you for being such a perfect dog, my best friend. Thank you for showing me that you loved me even if I didn't spend time with you.

I really am looking forward to seeing you again one day. I love you and miss you so much.

Dear Crystal0, that first marker of a half year is a hard one, then again all the time is hard isn't it. Don't feel too bad that all others are forgetting about Touch, know that he is your soulmate, he is firmly anchored in your heart that's where he belongs, that's all that matters to touch, that you be there for him. As for others thinking that we overmourn or whatever, I have come to the conclusion that it is for their own comfort that they want us to get over it and I just ignore whatever it is they may be thinking and keep feeling my emotions for my lost soulmates, I really believe in allowing myself this bond to go on, it is my right and my consolation, it is at another level than the thinking of my peers so I just let them think whatever, knowing they don't know much after all. A relationship such as yours for Touch can not be explained it can only be lived through. Carry your love in your heart, you and Touch are together still.