There are no tears streaming down my face and there hasn't been for a couple of weeks now. Inside it still hurts though. I'm not in any hysterics, I just once and a while find myself staring into nothing and asking myself, what went wrong. How could I have had a pet taken away so quickly and rapidly when it isn't even a case of a pet getting hit by a car. Spike was a young cat. Spike never got sick. His belly was an iron stomach, as the phrase goes.

My gal's aunt was curious on something about fleas, so we looked fleas up and found out alot. It isn't that I didn't read about them after Spike died Weeks ago, its just I really didn't pay much attention to the information. This time, I read it and it soaked in. The more I read, the more sick I felt learning what was going on with Spike before he was taken to the hospital. I'm still in a guilt stage and am a little bit still blaming myself. No, that's not true. I'm blaming myself alot again.
Until this happened, I thought of fleas as pests. You know, they bite you and jump around alot. They are little monsters and if you find out the way I did, you may feel like a monster yourself. I know sometimes I have through the series of weeks that have passed on I have for not taking care of the problem there and then. Fleas do more than make you itchy, give the extended chance. And that extended chance isn't more than two weeks the way I figure it.

During the packing my gal and I am doing, I placed Spikes few but loved toys within my backpack. Ones he used to deliver to the bedroom archeway overnight whileI slept and grab when I was getting ready to leave for somewhere. I have this big dog bowl because my little goof used to knock over his waterdish. It amused him and you could see it in his face when the water started spreading onto the floor. It was funny but it didnt' do him any good when I went to work, so I got him this heavy one meant for large dogs. "Try spilling that." I remember saying when setting it on the floor for the first time. For now the toys will remain in my backpack until I come up with some artsy idea. Those toys will never be seperated, even the last one that he never got to see. (That one I've kept out in the open on my monitor) Still need to find his teddy bear, his absolute favorite. His giant waterbowl I want to get drilled on its bottom so I can grow a healthy plant in it. Plants are living things too after all. At least it could still support life still. That bowl to me is forever Spike's.

I apologize for this new article size message about the samething basicly four weeks later. I feel like I am taking up space for the inevitible newcomer. Its just that I am a mixed bag of emotions right now. This is my outlet still for coping with this and there are other things in life I must deal with. I never knew people could have life so rough until everything coming to a climax right now.

I return here several times a week because, no one's response has gone in vein. Thank you to all who respond or even want to respond but don't always have the time to. All is taken into consideration, it helps and I am more grateful than any of you will ever know.

Peace and harmony, I wish for you all out there.

Oakshil, You do not have to apoligize for the size of your post . Take up two pages if you need to that is what this site is for to express your feelings and emotions and to work through them. I also dug up more information about what my Max died from and I started to blame myself. Then I went on a rampage and did a post on mad about vets because I had to directed the guilt that I started to feel again so I turned it into anger against vets. So what I'm trying to say is that most of us here blame ourselves for the death of our beloved friends, but the truth of the matter is that we all did everything that we possibly could do for them. It is not your fault. You loved Spike and you would never do anything to harm him. My dog got flees here and there and those pest are a pain to get rid of. Trust me I would do everything to get rid of them. Even after the flee bath, flee drops, and even me picking them off. They still would remain for a couple of days before finally dying off. He could of got sick from them just like your Spike. Unfortunitly Spike had a bad reaction to them and that was totaly out of your control. Please try not to blame yourself I could tell how much you cared and loved him. The idea for his water bowl is a wonderful . I'm sure it will look beautiful. Take carek9pal

Oakshil, I love your idea of putting a plant in Spike's water bowl. I have decided to plant an azalea in my yard and put some of Mama's ashes in with it. Now we can look at these living, thriving plants and know that are babies are part of them.

That really is a great idea. It makes me wish I would have requested my Sadies ashes.

I am glad you folks like the idea with the waterbowl. That is something I will definetly do. The other half, that is pending and will be until I am sure the plant of choice is going to be one I can nuture correctly and will live for a long long time. I'll probably choose a succulent. Not too hard to nurture, and it really requires alot of neglect to kill them. Basicly its the same guidelines as taking care of cacti. (Succulents are my favorite plant type)

I know it won't be Spike reincarnate but, he'll return to nature's cycle this way. The ones who would tell everyone that, Our bodies are on loan to us, They are infact correct.

This mourning is a very manic one. Which is weird because I am not really a manic person. Just for now I guess. Every other time of mourning was straight through misery. This time I can go a few days, not without thinking of Spike but able to stay productive. Then without warning, what you read above. I guess I still have a long way to go.

I hurt but, I am ready to in heart already willing to find a new little friend. Just not ready to bring one home because, home needs to be in another place. A flea-free enviroment and never ever ever no matter how bad I want to bring a new little friend home, will not allow myself to do so until I move. Never here in this pit.

I really do miss having to watch where I am stepping though. It is that feeling of looking for someone around my feet each time I go to the entrance, the fridge or even to the bathroom. Spike used to follow me in all the time, usually hoping I'd turn on the bathtub faucet. Sucks too because after I moved here, there was no tub, only some shower stall. (I prefer tubs) So he never got to play with running water after that. I feel bad about that too, it really amused him. Without him or any other there is no reason to be looking around where I am stepping. And that just means I am surrounded by inanimate objects only, save for my gal. I'd give up all I have if he could be returned in good health for another life. Even this PC I have. When I move, you bet though I will be ready with open arms for a new friend.