I know, I know........when it comes to Grief, "normal" is whatever works for any given individual. I can respect that when I see it in others, but I'm having quite a time dealing with this roller-coaster I seem to be on.
What I had anticipated when my good old boy Stumpy "ran on ahead to Heaven's Fields" 2-1/2 weeks ago was to pass through the well-know stages of grief, more or less in order taking as long as needed in any given one.
Nope.
Instead of an orderly progression I seem to swing fairly randomly from one to another in an unpredictable schedule. When Stumpy first died I cried. A lot. For a couple of days. Then, the pain seemed to dampen down somewhat, and boy! I felt guilty about feeling better. I knew in my head AND heart that Stumpers is better, so I should be feeling glad for him........but.....if I felt better that only made me question myself about how much I loved him; which is, of course ridiculous. Then, I'd bump along for a few days, got feeling better, tried talking myself out of the guilt trip and whammo! don't I receive a letter from the Township telling me Stumpy's Dog License Fee is overdue and threatening a fine. Oh, fabulous. Big crying scene. Thank heaven my husband said he'd take care of notifying the Town Clerk. I wasn't particularly coherent.
My son returns from overseas in 2 weeks. (Hurrah!) His first visit home will, of course, include showing him Stumpy's grave in the backyard. I KNOW that'll rip everything wide open again.
You know what? I expected grief to be like a TV dinner.......everything nice and separate, easily identifiable, one bit at a time. What I got is a Tossed Salad.
Thanks for letting me say all this. I hope it made sense to someone. I just want to let anyone else going through this emotional blender, you aren't the only one.
lauree

Lauree, I totally understand. I lost my cat Odin this past weekend and my emotions have been running amuk. Today was actually a good morning for me when I wasnt crying hysterical in the shower. Odin and I had the shower game where he would jump up onto the tub and peak his head around the shower curtain and I would try and splash him with water. I went mental last night when my best friend sent me a sympathy card and printed out The Rainbow Bridge for me. Right now I feel sooo tired and drained but I know at any minute I can break down again. My next hurdle is when his ashes are ready for me to go and get. I am dreading that day. I don't like to think about it. Everyone grieves in their own way and take their own time....

Take Care,
Cynthia

Hi Lauree,

I got pretty much the same tossed salad when my corgi, Qorqui, was killed. It's been nearly five months now and, although the guilt is pretty much gone, I still have good days and bad days. The thing I'm having the hardest time with now is reading about all the signs people are getting from their passed furries. I sometimes feel like Qorqui has forgotten me. I miss that little critter more than I'd ever dreamed possible. So many folks report all sorts of impossible to ignore signs and I get nothing. On bad days I wish I had her here to pet and hold, and I pray for any little sign that she's happy and safe and waiting for me to join her... but I get nothing. Even now I'm in tears as I type this.

I guess my point is that greif, for me anyway, is anything but tidy. It hits at random times in random ways. Sometimes I break down in the shower in the morning, sometimes at bedtime, sometimes it's when I get home from work and don't get the little pounce against my legs and the "Woo-Ooo" (Hi Dad!) that I looked forward to every day.

Be patient, be good to yourself, and it will get easier in time.
Tim

Thank you both so much.
Cynthia, please accept not my sympathy but my empathy on your very recent loss. The Shower Game sounds like such a blast, and, forgive the weak pun, good clean fun. Odin was some kind of character, and what a great name!
Tim, Stumpy was half corgi. He was built like one and I just love the little picture of Qorqui. I suppose that that made our two (wildly) distant relatives; so therefore, you and I are???? in-laws??? I'm still a new member here, but it sure feels like family. (Stump's other half was border collie. Yeah, quite a combination that.) Your words were a much needed balm.
lauree

Dear Lauree,

When Shiloh was first diagnosed with lymphoma, I asked the counselor at my school about the stages of grief. She said she could give me the textbook answer, but that in her experience people never experience grief according to the textbook. Since we're all different and have different relationships with the people or animals in our life who have passed away, the grief we feel is going to be different too. What she said was very true. My grief over losing Shiloh was all over the place...like a roller coaster. At 11 months, things have started to even out. Unfortunately, I started the ride all over again when I lost Hobbie in May.

Tim gave some excellent advice...be patient with yourself. Feel whatever, whenever you need to feel it. Allow yourself the space and the time to be sad. Afterall, you just lost a very important member of your family.

I'm so sorry for your loss of Stumpy.
Hugs,
Kathleen

Thank you too Kathleen for your kind words. You have all helped me immeasurably.
Tim, I have been thinking a great deal about what you wrote regarding the "signs" folks report, but which, to date, you have yet to see from your Qorqui. On one of the other bulletin boards, you will find my story about the forget-me-nots and the penny on Stumpy's grave. Of course, I am very grateful for that wonderful experience; and yes I shall forever keep that found penny. BUT.......
The "signs" from Stumpy which are most real, most meaningful and most precious to me are not material signs; they are the memories. I can close my eyes and see him, I can hear his yipping bark, I can even feel the heat of his furry little body snuggled in close to me. Heaven help me, I can still smell him. And these things make me smile. Such a great and wonderful gift from my baby boy.
Why are these the signs I hold closest to my heart? Because these are the ones which cannot tarnish, get lost, damaged or decay. They are always with me rather than hidden in a box in my room.
Qorqui could no more forget about you than you could forget about her. You described her welcoming "Woo-oo" in such a way that I could almost hear it from where I live (Canada). That's your sign Tim. That's still your girl calling "hello" to her daddy whom she loves so much.
Take care.
lauree

Hi Lauree,

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I really never looked at it like that.

Today's been an especially bad day for me so far. It's 5 months that Qorqui's been gone and the day after what would have been her second birthday. I'm at work but I'm not getting much "work" done. I've spent about half the day hiding where folks won't see this old guy crying like a baby.

I saw the photo of Stumpy in one of the other threads. What a doll! I'll bet he was sooo smart too. Being a Border Collie and Corgi cross, Stumps had to be just like a little four legged people.

It's amazing to me how so many folks get frustrated with highly intelligent and energetic dogs like the Border Collies and Corgis. They get bored just like kids when they don't have enough to challenge their mind, and just like kids, they can get into all sorts of trouble if you don't give them enough of the right kind of toys to keep them busy. On the other hand, after having one Corgi in the house, I'll never again be without one. The AKC describes their personality as "Impish". I can't think of a better word for it. But when you take the time to understand the way their little minds work and provide them with the things they need to keep them from getting into trouble, there's no other pooch with the sense of humor, empathy, and cuddly "teddy dog" attitude.

Sorry, I got sidetracked... I was really just going to add here that, as you've experienced for your self, this roller coaster ride is, and will remain, quite unpredictable for some time. I do have relatively "normal" days, but I have days like today now and again too. I know that today is bad because of the double punch of it being 5 months and the day after her birthday.

I hope you're doing better. At least know that the randomness is normal.

Tim

Hey Tim;
First off, you're a fine writer; you know that? I can see, hear, feel what you mean precisely just by reading your words. The first rule of good writing is, of course, Write What You Know. It is obvious that you and Qorqui "knew", each other, that is to say had a rare and true bond. It is lovely to share that, however vicariously. (Watch, I'll find out someday that you are a novelist, journalist or writer by profession, then I'll feel kinda goofy, won't ?)
I want you to know that you have been very much on my mind today as you work your way through what must be a very bittersweet few hours. I haven't yet even had to deal with the one month mark since Stumpy's passing. I know it will be difficult. In other words, the roller coaster continues to lurch along.
Bright indeed he was, my boy. Let me tell you about trying to give him his arthritis medication (steroids which, naturally lead to the nickname "The Stumpinator") None of the usual tricks worked; i.e. closing his mouth and stroking his throat, hiding the pill in a piece of hotdog or baloney etc etc. He had a very nimble tongue I suppose as the meat would disappear, and the pill, complete with coating intact would be spat out onto the floor. I was reduced to crushing his pills between two spoons and mixing the powder into (forgive me vets everywhere) semi-melted ice cream. French Vanilla was preferred.
One more small thing Tim. You describe yourself as "old". Reading through some of your other posts I find that your youngest child is about the same age as my youngest (she is 16). Ergo we would be of an age you and I. Ergo again, if you are old, then I am??????
Smile my new friend.
lauree