A month ago a lost my best friend of 16 years, Harley, my cat. Actually, to be perfectly honest and what I'm having the most trouble with is that I decided (too early I think) to let him go.
He was a rescue cat and a feral to boot but we became inseparable. He followed me everywhere, slept with me and paid no attention to anyone else. I adored him. About 2 years ago I thought I would lose him when he stopped eating, became lethargic and vomited frequently. Finally, after many expensive tests, it was determined that he had IBD. He was put on prednisone and responded beautifully. He fights taking pills and I had to resort to crushing them, dissolving them in water and administering that way. He acted (and I felt) as if he was being waterboarded. Anyway, that was fine for a while and then he was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. Also treatable with 2 pills per day. Needless to say he didn't like that but we did it. We had no choice. Then he started having very pale stools that my vet couldn't explain through blood tests so we went through an ultrasound. They thought his bile duct may be blocked but they didn't find anything.
I think the thing that broke my heart and made me think we may be near the end was when he began howling most of the night. I tried leaving lights on and I would get up at 3:00 am to calm him. As long as I was up, he seemed to be OK.
With all of that said, the twice daily pills that he hated, the still unexplained stools and the nightly howling, I decided that his quality of life was no longer what it should be.
I have the worst guilt you can imagine. For not trying harder. For not giving it more time. Even after a month I'm having a really hard time dealing with it and living with myself. I loved him so much. I think I was tired from lack of sleep and wasn't thinking clearly. I wish I had given it more time. I'm miserable.

Hi, Harley, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved companion. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Harley, this grief journey is one of the hardest experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the many emotions we all experience is guilt / remorse as this comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the whys, what ifs, and if onlys that haunt and torture our hearts at a time when we are the most emotionally vulnerable. J hope your veterinary care provided offered you comfort and support as you made the most difficult decision to ease your beloved companion's transition journey from this earthly realm.

One of the many things we find facing ourselves is adjusting to the physical absence of our beloved companion which includes coping with all the first withouts which I know all too well is excruciatingly painful both emotionally and physically. During the deep grief we are faced with all the first withouts every minute of every hour of every day, and it can feel like the deep grief pain will never end. It is not unusual for the deep grief to last up to 6 months or longer, for this grief journey is filled with all the first holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and other special moments to endure that no longer includes the physical presence of our beloved companion.

The good news in the midst of all this sorrow and suffering is that the love bond you and your beloved companion share is eternal - - your beloved companion's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

Harley, if you have looked through my topic My Beloved Noah you will see that I, too, am traveling this grief adjustment journey with you. I know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. But I do hope that the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope that you are not alone in your grief journey - - and some reassurance that we are here for you for as long as you need us.

Thank you so very much for honoring us in sharing your beloved companion with us, Harley. There is no doubt from what you share with us that you did everything in your human, and humane, power to give your beloved companion a happy, healthy earthly journey. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of your beloved companion with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Harley, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you so much. Your words of encouragement mean so much to me.