I decided to look through the photos I have of my dog today. After he passed I collected as many as I could an put them all into one folder that I could easily access. Looking through Titan's photos gives me so much joy and sadness, fills me with love and regret. When I unknowingly hit the end of the pictures I have in the folder, I burst into sobs because it seems like I have so little to remember him by, and it kills me to think that this is all I have left of him. Some days I'm scared that I'm forgetting what he looks like, and that the only way I can visualize his face is by thinking of the pictures I have, because they are the only images I can hold onto of what he looks like. I have a hard time picturing him doing something I don't have a photo of him doing, or even imagining him doing something he hasn't. I can't rely on my memory to remember his beautiful soulful eyes, or the shape of his face. I'm terrified of losing him more than I already have. I wish I had more videos, because they do so much more than pictures. I hate myself for taking him for granted when he was here, and I feel like an impostor for feeling the way I do now that he's gone, since I know I let him down, and didn't do as much with and for him that I should have. If the ending would always be the same, I still wish I could go back and at least take him for more walks, give him more belly rubs, pay more attention to him rather than telling him to go lie down. I hope he knows I made so many mistakes, and I regret them so much, and I love him and miss him and I'm so sorry I let him down.

Hi, MyBabyTitan, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that you did NOT fail your beloved Titan at any time during his earhtly journey. Our companions know we are "mere mortals" - - and they accept us and love us unconditionally despite our "shortcomings." Their one and only desire is to bring joy into our lives both during their earthly journey and through the many eternal cherished memories our hearts embrace after they transition from this earthly realm. When we are grieving it is difficult for us to recall all the many wonderful memories we have of our beloved compainon. But I promise you, MyBabyTitan, that through the coming weeks, months, and years you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Titan and you will recall a memory that you thought you had lost - - only to have it close to your heart, and you will find yourself smiling. Don't be surprised if you should hear your beloved Titan's soft voice in your heart saying, "oh yeah, I remember that, too, mom. That was great - - or - - wasn't that so funny - - or - - we had a great time doing that" etc.. I know so very well during the deep grief that it seems like our beloved companion is "lost" to us - - but I hope in time as you travel your grief adjustment journey that you will come to know that your beloved Titan is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Titan's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, MyBabyTitan, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

MyBabyTitan,

I very much agree with everything moon_beam has said. You did not let your precious Titan down at all !

We humans have much more complex lives than our babies do and can't pay attention to them every minute---even though they are our priorities. I have no doubt that Titan didn't mind being told to lie down. Anything you said was fine. And he felt and feels your deep love.

Please try not to be hard on yourself ! This is all part of the intensity and pain of grief.

I hope you check in and let us know how you are doing.

Prayers of peace being sent your way,
Kathy